Original subtitles

Hey, why don't we put our little screens down

and look at the big screen as a family?

[phone dings]

Did you just text me, "Pass"?

It's got two "S's" in it.

Sorry. I need to take Lily on an early Valentine's date.

Hey, you know, I was thinking of getting her something small.

Can I borrow $1,100?

How about we order in and watch The Notebook?

Ugh, that movie has everything.

Ryan Gosling, Ryan Gosling in the rain.

Ryan Gosling without a shirt.

Sure. And while we're doing it, we could do each other's nails.

And I'll braid your hair.

-[doorbell rings] -Oh, I'd stay for that.

You know how expensive it is

to get other people to do those things?

-Hey. -[Matt] Hey, Andy.

Got a quick question for you.

What are your thoughts about the movie The Notebook?

Oh! I was really moved...

to grab the remote and switch to football.

Alright, a change of plans. You guys all take off.

He stays here.

[? rock theme playing]

[tires screeching]

-[TV playing] -Let's go!

-[knocking] -It's open.

Unless you're Jehovah's Witness, then, uh...

hail, Satan!

Why do all the bad guys always start with "hail"?

No one ever says, "Hail, Mr. Rogers."

Uh, Amelie wanted to borrow our punch bowl

for your birthday party.

Amelie's not here, Sixers are on,

down 4, 20 seconds to go.

Shh!

It's cute how you think us being quiet

affects the concentration of the players on TV.

All I want for my birthday is a Sixers win

and a hug from your dad.

Ha, good luck. The only time he ever hugged me

was when I was choking on a grape.

You used to make me watch Sixers games when we were kids.

Oh, yeah. Your brother and I loved Allen Iverson.

He had such a cool nickname. "The Answer."

Then Coach Jenkins nicknamed me "The Question."

My nickname in high school was "The Pregnant."

Oh, my God, he made it. They're down two!

-Let's go! -Three seconds. There's no way.

-No, Maxey stole the ball. -Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

-Half-courter! -It's in!

-It's in! It's in! -They won! They won!

It's in. Oh, my God!

[announcer] [on TV] Unbelievable. What a moment!

[clicking tongue] Uh, sorry, that was...

Incidental contact. Not a foul.

Definitely not.

I should go.

Well, you live here, so I should go.

Ah, here's the punch bowl for punch.

Or anything, really. Milk, horchata.

Heck, go wild and put spaghetti in it. [chuckles]

Don't let the name stop you from dreaming.

Okay, bye.

[chuckles]

It was you, Gosling, all along.

Man, you had me fooled.

That was kind of cute, I liked that.

-Hey, Grandpa. -Oh, hey. How are you doing?

Look at that. Look at that, it's-

It's a national badminton championship.

-What's up? -[sighs] Matt Parker-

strong, dependable. Likes: red meat.

Dislikes: how much time do you have?

[chuckles]

Is that my obituary?

Remember, I want my ashes spread over Jane Fonda's house.

I wanna kill all those hippie plants she's got out front.

No, I made you a dating profile on TradSwipe.

It's a site for people with traditional values

who aren't interested in the uggos

they go to church with.

Uh, listen, you have no right

to go into my private settings like that.

You know, privacy's the last sacred thing

we have in the country.

Isn't that right, China?

Ever since you broke up with Eve,

all you do is work, come home,

and complain about how no one wants to work anymore.

Then, go to work again.

Look, I'm not gonna get on a dating site.

Oh, I get it.

-You're scared. -[laughs]

I'm not scared.

The only thing that scares me is parking at Trader Joe's.

No, it's fine.

I'll just change your political affiliation to coward.

Oh, wow!

I'll change your bedtime to right now.

Quick question. How do you spell...

[bawking]

-Let me see what you got. -Look at that woman.

Hm. And she's really pretty.

Boy, that woman knows how to hold a trout.

Check this out. "Commie liberals, swipe down."

[laughs] Look at that.

It won't even let you swipe left.

-I like it. -Mm-hm.

Hey, Riley. What you getting Gabe for his birthday?

An Iverson jersey.

But it might send the wrong message.

Like when you want to send a pic of your dog to a group chat,

but you accidentally send your right boob.

Right boob, right message.

[clearing throat] Can you keep a secret?

Yes. Ask Kevin over at Quizno's.

He cheatin' on his taxes, his wife,

and ironically, with his accountant.

Gabe and I had a moment watching the Sixers game.

We, uh, almost kissed.

So, you feel like giving him the jersey would be like saying,

"Remember that time something almost happened?"

Well, you know I've always had feelings for him,

but now I'm with Andy, who's like,

Bridgerton meets Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid.

-And Gabe's got... -[Amelie] Hey, guys.

Ah, Amelie! Ha!

Gabe's girlfriend, who he loves.

And we love, everybody loves! [chuckles]

What should I get Gabe for his birthday?

I don't understand his wish list.

Boba Fett? Is that a smoothie?

And where am I gonna find a falcon?

I got a falcon guy. Barry.

Well, I don't wanna just pick something off of a list, you know?

I want to give him something that says, "I see you,

I know you. I smell you."

You are crazy.

He's a lucky man.

Um, I have a 76ers jersey you could give Gabe.

[Amelie] You don't wanna give it to him?

No. You should.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

You're such a good one.

I can't believe I used to see you as a threat.

-[both] Oh! -[awkward laughter]

-We almost kissed. -Yes, well, a good reminder

that could happen by accident to anyone.

Mmm...

So, Lynn, what do you do?

I took an early retirement, but I used to work in an office.

So, do you do a lot of online dating?

No. If I wanted to be catfished,

-I'd- I'd do it from a boat. -Oh.

-You fish. -Oh, I tried it once.

I just posted that pic so I could land a catch.

Rawr!

Looks like I reeled in a big one.

I'm not that much of a catch, really.

Although I do wear the same size jeans

as I did in high school.

Oh!

Uh, so, do you want to get a bottle?

Yeah! How 'bout tequila?

-Obviously, I was joking. -[Matt] Oh.

Unless you want tequila.

-I was thinking wine. -As long as it's from

the land of the free and the home of the brave.

So, no California wine at this table.

Yeah.

Yeah, I call it "Commie-fornia."

[loud laughter]

[doorbell ringing]

Happy birthday, Gabe!

It's whiskey. What every guy gets another guy.

-Come on in. -[Andy] Alright.

-How you doing? -Uh, good.

[chuckles] Why wouldn't I be good?

You should be good.

I am good.

Good. Drinks?

Drinks. [chuckles]

Here you go. It's a red blend,

which means it's from three almost empty bottles of red wine.

Ooh! Cha-ber-lot, my favorite.

I'm gonna give you my gift now, Gabe.

-No way. -[bag rustling]

Allen Iverson's my favorite player!

I went as him for Halloween. Head to toe.

Not that part.

In hindsight, the cornrows were iffy.

Hey, don't worry about it.

I dressed up as a white man for Halloween one year.

I spent the whole night failing upward.

Amelie, this is amazing. How did you know?

I know you, babe.

Yay, Amelie, you nailed it! [chuckles]

So, you don't care for Ellen? What about music?

I like country.

Ooh. I'm not a big country fan.

Especially Russia and Canada.

-Yeah, country music is not good. -Yeah.

I'm glad Kenny Rogers is dead. Pfft.

Well, he was a pretty nice man.

You're so right.

He was an angel, and that's why he's in heaven.

We don't have to agree on everything, right?

We don't. I agree.

Okay, this is what I mean. I mean, I don't have to be right about everything.

I- I usually am, but I don't have to be.

Um, do you read?

Yeah! Mostly the classics.

I'm listening to Arnold Schwarzenegger read Wuthering Heights.

Interesting. [imitating Schwarzenegger] Heathcliff. Do it.

Come over here now. Get to the chopper.

I'll be back. Do it, do it!

[both laughing]

I don't know what any of that meant.

[Matt] Well, you know what? You're wonderful.

But any relationship is like the Middle East.

Without a little conflict, there's nothing to talk about.

[sighs] Shoot.

I'm sorry. I thought I found my prince.

-Mm. -A real one this time,

not the Nigerian one I gave half my retirement to.

Well, I'm sure Mr. Right is out there.

I can feel it for you.

Aw. You are sweet.

[both chuckle]

So, just to be clear, is sex off the table?

Ooh, or maybe it's on the table.

I'm very agreeable.

Oh, crap, it's time for the babysitter to go.

If she stays after 10:00, she starts going through my meds.

Oh, it's fine. I'll, uh, I'll stay

-and help Stitch clean up. -Alright.

You ain't gonna stay and help Stitch do nothing,

'cause I'm not staying.

What? No, stay.

Otherwise, it's just me and Gabe.

Okay, let me think. Clean up puke,

or help these lovely ladies get back at their father

who didn't show them enough love.

Girl, bye.

Amelie is out.

I had to pry the Grubhub app out of her sleepy hands.

-Everyone left? -Uh, yeah, Andy had to run.

So it's just me left to... [gruff voice] take out the trash.

I don't know why I did that. [chuckles]

Andy's great, by the way, with his perfect blue eyes,

wild as the ocean, gently whispering,

"Everything's gonna be okay."

Yeah. [chuckles] Well, so is Amelie.

She's beautiful

and smells like she gets to shower every day

'cause she has no kids.

Yeah, look at this jersey.

It's, like, the perfect gift.

Favorite team. Favorite player.

Shows off my guns.

Yep. It was, uh, super thoughtful.

The fact that she knew to get this for me.

She's one of a kind.

Mmm... I bought it for you.

What?

I gave it to Amelie

'cause she didn't know what to get you.

But you did.

I've just known you longer.

You know me better.

-Riley, I- -Gabe, what are we doing?

This is crazy. This can't happen.

You're right. Yeah.

We can't do this. We're both in relationships.

Exactly.

[Amelie] Babe! I need another bucket.

You should go.

[Amelie] And Fatburger!

-What can I get you? -Uh...

Whiskey, single.

Just like me. [chuckles]

[Eve] Hi, I'm here to pick up a to-go order.

-Okay, let me check on that. -Okay.

Eve?

Hey, you're supposed to be in Korea.

Matt Parker.

Is it possible you got grumpier?

-What are you doing here? -Well, I was hungry,

so I came to this place where they make food.

It's called a restaurant.

You know, I forgot how frustrating it is talking to you.

It's like putting a Google search into a calculator.

Okay, clarify. What are you doing here in LA?

The Korean part of my tour is over,

so I am here in LA on a one-night layover,

and then I'm flying to Spain tomorrow

for the European leg of the tour.

My blood type is O negative and my shoe size is 10.

Any other questions, prosecutor?

Why didn't you tell me that you were in town?

Well, to be honest, I wasn't quite ready to see you.

-But guess the universe has other ideas. -[sighs]

Does the universe only talk to white women?

I hate when people say stuff like that.

[mocking gibberish]

Sometimes when people hate something,

it's 'cause they're secretly attracted to it.

This isn't one of those times.

You're a terrible liar.

Did Mr. Universe tell you that?

See, you're smiling.

-Oh. -No, you're happy to see me.

Or you just forgot where you're at.

Alright, Mookie, here's the deal.

You want a Raptor power, you want Ferrari speed,

but you want two extra sippy cups in your minivan.

Yeah, I'm looking for something that says, "I'm a dad of two,

but a World Series champion of four."

A hot rod with a dad bod.

I like the challenge. I'm up to this.

Yeah, we said the same thing in the World Series.

-Sorry, Canada. -Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, Canada sucks, eh?

-He's still not working on my car. -No.

Everybody else around here is very professional

and very discreet.

OMG, Mookie Betts is back? [exclaiming]

Um, can I get a picture? I love you.

Sure. Bring it on in, guys.

Uh, can you take it, please?

[chuckles]

[Stitch] Hey, Gabe, don't worry.

We're gonna take a picture with you when Mookie leaves.

-[Matt] Alright. -[Riley giggles]

-[Gabe] Alright. -Listen, I'll get the plans soon.

I'll give you a call, and come back and take a look at it.

-Yes, sir. Thanks, Matt. -You bet, buddy.

Oh, Gabe, you know what? Just for you, my man.

Oh, my God, this is awesome. Thank you so much.

-What? -Alright. Thanks, guys.

See you, Betts.

Wait a second. That was his phone.

Hey, how'd your date go last night?

Did you guys become, uh,

Fox and Friends with benefits?

I'll tell you how his date went. He ran into Eve.

So, how cute is it you ran into Eve last night?

[exhales sharply] She's annoying.

And so pretty, which is also annoying.

Ooh, you missed her.

Eve's like the McRib. She's back.

Doesn't matter.

She leaves tonight for Barcelona.

[lisps] Thorry, Barth-elona.

So? Go to the airport and stop her.

You can't run through TSA.

This isn't an '80s romcom.

Then, go with her.

Don't you see this is destiny?

You lost her once. Don't do it again.

I can't leave here. I got a life, I got a business.

I got an annoying daughter I don't trust with my house.

Dad, don't overthink this. Go to Spain with her.

If you miss this opportunity, you might not get it again.

It's now or never.

[Gabe] Choose love.

Riley's right. You gotta take a chance.

Have you two ever watched The Notebook?

Hey.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Remember how we told my dad

he had to take a chance for love?

I decided to take that advice, so...

I broke up with Andy.

What? Why?

Those eyes.

I thought we should finally give us a chance.

Ta-da!

Oh.

Riley, I have always been crazy about you.

But we talked about this. We agreed this couldn't happen.

But what if it should?

We're with other people now.

Well, you are.

I'm going home and going on TradSwipe.

We missed each other so many times.

-Maybe this is a sign. -[laughs]

Oh, my God, I feel so stupid.

-Riley, no, no, please. -No, no, no!

It's all good, buddy. Pal. Buddy old pal.

We will laugh about this someday.

Maybe at your wedding, or my funeral,

which I wish was right now.

Sorry, ma'am, this is over the limit.

I'm gonna have to take it.

Oh, no. I stole that from the Four Seasons.

Oh, don't take that shampoo. We might need that.

-Matt Parker. -Eve Drake.

Wait, are you actually here,

or are you just a figment of my sleep gummy?

I was hoping to surprise you on the airplane,

so if this plan works, it's my idea.

If it doesn't work, it was Riley's idea.

You're coming to Spain?

I didn't even think you had a passport.

[imitating Matt] You know, they can track you with those things.

They can still track me. I have the Fauci ouchie.

I can't believe you're here.

After last night, I realized how much I want you back in my life.

Not so much your opinions on wind farming

and how it's ruining America, but like, everything else.

Well, I had this speech prepared to tell you

how I wanted you in my life.

And now you've ruined it, which is so you.

That's also so you.

-Are you sure you wanna do this? -I don't wanna overthink it.

I'm leaving my shop in the hands of a disabled man

and Stitch.

-I missed you. -I missed you, too.

Barcelona's gonna be so romantic.

Sangria. Paella.

-State-sponsored nap time. -Whoo!

Hey, why don't we just head to Detroit?

Look, it's February.

[mouthing] Let's try this.

??

The jerk behind me keeps kicking me in the seat there.

-He's seven. -If he's old enough to kick,

he's old enough to get his ass kicked.

Okay, I just want to say one thing.

We know. We love you, too.

That's not what I was gonna say.

I don't want you to touch the remotes.

Leave the thermostat alone.

And don't touch that elk jerky on the counter.

That was a gift from me to me.

Buen viaje, Abuelo.

Adios, nerdito.

[phone beeping]

So, who's ready for quality Mama time?

-[doorbell ringing] -[sighs]

So glad I had kids. Way better than a diploma.

Andy, are you here for breakup sex?

It's a bad idea, but fine.

No.

I mean, obviously, I'm open to sex,

breakup or otherwise.

Look, you're making a mistake.

-What? -We're good together.

We make each other happy.

I did it. I broke up with Amelie.

-What's he doing here? -What's he doing here?

Uh...

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