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Come on, you. Keep pumping.

They're a couple of big fellas. They'll soak up a lot of tar.

Get away. Get away.

We got enough to plaster a team of army mules.

Say, Smitty, how do you like a beautiful saddle

I'm making for him?

Hey, boys. We've got plenty of feathers.

I stole the old lady's best pillow.

Hey, this is hot enough to fry them fellows' hides.

Come on. Get him a shot.

And, you, take of them pants.

I tell you once again, my friend

if you think my partner and I cheated you

you're making the mistake of your lives.

And yet, I can stand here

with my own gun pointed at me and say

"To err is human, to forgive divine."

Sure. We ain't hold no grudge.

We be willing to shake hands all around and then forget it.

You skinned us. Now we're gonna skin you

in a different place.

I can see it's no use trying to fool

a bunch smart folks like you.

You're right. We cheated you something cruel

and we got this coming.

But we ain't dead set on collecting it.

Pump.

Alright. What are we waiting for?

- Alright, peel of those pants. - Now, wait, wait.

Before we get these feather underclothes

there's something I'd like to do.

Something I must do to square my conscious.

I wanna make sure that my crooked tricks

are never pulled on you good people again.

I am going to show you how they're worked.

I'm sure you'd never use them for personal gain.

No, siree. But...

Now you, sir

you look like a man who'd like to shine at parties.

Do a few tricks. Isn't that so?

It might be fun if I'd known how it's done.

You're dead right, mister. And here, here's a man

'who looks like he'd catch on to the tricks'

'at the first crack out of the bottle.'

Think we can trust him, boys?

If you keep that hammer back.

You'll never regret it, gentlemen.

The best investment you ever made.

Now, if you'll just pardon me

I am about to disclose to you gentlemen

all the hidden secrets

secrets handed down in my family

from generation to generation.

Hurry up or you'll be the last of your line.

One thing you must know before all else.

All confidence games are aimed at people

who want something for nothing.

Find out who they are and your fortune is made.

If, and here's the second rule, of the game, gentleman.

'If your hand is quicker than the eye..'

'Now draw a bit closer, gents'

'and keep your attention on my two hands.'

'My two lily white hands.'

'Nothing up my sleeve, in fact, no sleeves to have anything up.'

I have here, 52 innocent looking pieces of pasteboard.

I select three of 'em.

The king of spades, the king of clubs

'and the ace of hearts.'

Ah, but I forgot, gentlemen.

I forgot the spice of our little game.

The $100 bill.

By ill-gotten gains which you so rightfully took from me.

And which we're keeping.

Very well. We'll use another one.

One which even now reposes behind my shell-like ear.

I thought you cleaned him.

Well, I guess I should've watched behind his ears.

Oh, don't blame my friend here.

Being a honest man, he didn't look for tricks.

Now your attention please, gents.

The game is simple and reward is great.

I place these three cards face downward on the board.

And the man who is sharp enough

to guess which card is the ace of hearts

receives as his reward this beautifully engraved memento.

Oh, filthy lucre. What crimes are committed in thy name.

And now, gentlemen, for rule three.

A little hocus-pocus known as hypnotizing the suckers...

By which, of course, I couldn't mean any of you, gentlemen.

Now, watch closely. Watch closely.

Pick the ace of hearts and win the riches of the Indies.

Now I'm sure there must be

a red-blooded sportsman among you

who wouldn't mind stepping forward

with a ten-dollar bill in his hand.

He will get the privilege of picking the magic ace of hearts

and receiving as his reward the $100 bill.

Now, step up, gents.

Step up and see whether the hand is quicker than the eye.

It's a cinch. That's the card there.

Ten dollars, a mere bagatelle will prove it.

If I'm right, do I get $100?

Not only do you receive the cash award

you receive the secret of the trick. Golden knowledge.

Which of you were a lesser man could rebuke a golden arm.

There.

Don't feel bad, my friends.

The dishonest hand is quicker than the honest eye.

It's the one at this end. I've been watching closely.

Pay and play.

And now, my friends, that glittering dream

of all true gamblers.

A ten-to-one payoff on a sure thing.

Hey, mister, that's my bet.

Stand back, Pete. I was just reaching for my pocket.

Here.

- That convinces me. - Then we can go?

Yes, out of town on a rail.

Oh, now, just a minute, my good friends.

I am going to show you how it works.

Where the elusive ace of hearts reposes.

And it's to your advantage to know because you have it.

And the man who has the ace of hearts

receives the $100 bill.

I've got it? Where is it?

Now watch closely, gentlemen. Watch closely.

If you'll just give me a little bit of room here, please.

You'll be amazed when I show you where it is.

You will be astounded.

You'll regard it as the miracle of the century.

Start reaching, suckers.

Take to your heels while you're still wearing shoes.

Dip your hats when you say goodbye.

Alright. Hey, Rube.

Let's get out of here.

Look at him.

He's strutting like a peacock.

Folks dang there made us miss our train, Candy.

- Who you saying goodbye to? - My laundry.

I got shirts in every town between here and Albany.

I'd like to stay in a place long enough to get my pants pressed.

Yeah? Well, we're going to, Sniper.

I'm tired of being run out of somebody else's town.

I'm gonna find me a town of my own.

I'm gonna be the gent who says "go or stay."

But I can't do it with this thing growing out of my hands.

- You gonna turn honest? - I'm gonna turn smart.

Hey.. Wait a minute, you're puttin' us out of business.

Sniper, don't you ever want to do anything better than

play come-on for the suckers?

There ain't anything better than picking out that ace of hearts

and hearing them suckers squeal, huh?

Looks like that strike up in Yellow Creek's

still going strong.

I hear they'll be digging pay dirt there for years.

Hey. Watch where you're going, I'll bust you in the teeth.

Sorry.

Yellow Creek.

I'm toppin' it ten.

Your speed.

Gimme that century note.

What's that you're playin' there, boys? Poker?

Why don't you sit and find out?

Well, thanks, folks, don't mind if I do.

- Three jacks. - Beats me.

Smells kinda good for such an old trick.

I'm afraid you think I dropped it on purpose.

No, no. Of course not, honey, that's the last thing you'd do.

The last thing I'd do is speak to a strange man.

No, you're overdoing it.

- Overdoing what? - The wide-eyed business.

I think a girl should keep her eyes open. Wide open.

Now let's see, as I remember, it usually goes like this...

You were born and raised in a little town in Vermont

Ohio, Nebraska, or maybe New Jersey.

Massachusetts. Boston, Massachusetts.

And your father's a doctor or preacher or a school teacher.

Well, anyway, he's poor but honest.

My father happens to be a judge. And he's very honest.

An honest judge. Was there ever one who wasn't?

Now, let's see. The family meets reverses.

The mortgage is foreclosed. The mother dies of shame.

So, the poor little daughter is thrown out

into the cold, cold world.

And where does she go?

To the land of opportunity, The Golden West.

But in the meantime, she needs ten dollars

to pay for her ticket.

Ain't it lucky, honey?

It just happens that I've got ten dollars.

- Thank you. Thank you. - There you are, sister.

And it just happens that I could use ten dollars.

Right now.

Honey, you astound me.

- 'Thank you.' - Mm-hm.

And you, sir?

- Sure, why not? - 'Thank you.'

There's just one thing you left out of your pretty little story.

They always warn young ladies about men who have clean hands

in a country where every honest man works.

'I don't know who's cheating in this game'

but if he does it again, I'll shoot his beard off.

Pass.

Papa.

Ah.

Oh, I hardly knew you.

It's been so long.

Well, am I, am I what you expected?

Oh, I don't know what I expected.

But you're just what I've hoped for.

Hah.

Howdy.

I'm sorry, sir.

I ain't. You remember me, Candy Johnson.

I'm afraid you have the advantage of me, mister.

You bet. I got a wonderful memory.

Never forget a face, never forget a place.

How'd you leave Dodge City?

- Now see here, young man. - Don't be angry, dear.

This is just another clumsy attempt by Mr. Johnson

to get acquainted.

This is my father, Judge Cotton.

Did you say, Judge Cotton?

That's right, and as I said, an honest judge.

And as I said, was there ever one who wasn't?

Well, it's easy to make mistakes. We all do.

It's people who make mistakes keep me in business.

You see, I...

I'm Justice of the Peace here.

Oh, I see.

Well, I'm sorry I mistook you for that old friend.

Come, my dear. Our supper's almost ready.

I must get back to town.

I have an appointment with some folks.

Now, where could a couple of strangers get a steak, Judge?

Oh, the Placer Saloon has the best beef in town.

Well, thank you, Judge.

And good evening. Good evening, Miss Cotton.

This-this fellow, Candy Johnson, bother you, my dear?

Not half as much as I bothered him.

Ha.

Man, man, be careful where you spit.

You might hit a sucker.

They're thicker than flies at the butchering beef.

- Let's get started. - Take it easy.

I told you we were gonna use a different kind of system.

Yes, sir.

the more I look around, the more I think

that maybe this is that town.

What town?

The town that I ain't gonna get run out of.

The Judge is right.

This place has sure got the best beef.

And I'm gonna corral me a honey.

Well, if it ain't the Candyman.

- Hiya, Gold Dust. - How'd you know it was me?

- I recognized the brand. - Frank, take over, will you?

Say, where the devil have you been?

The strike's been on for three weeks.

Well, I wanted to give the suckers time

enough to get the gold out of the ground.

And from everything I hear

they can dig it out with a knife and fork.

Oh, that's right, it's growin' out of the grass roots.

You interested in staking out a claim for yourself, Candy?

Sure, but it's got nothing to do with digging.

Hello, Brazos.

Your table's coolin' off.

How'd you know that gent was behind you?

I've had a lot of practice smellin' out snakes.

Oh, now, don't tell me this town's got a sheriff

that crawls on his belly.

He makes the rest of us do the crawling.

He owns this joint.

Yeah? It looks to me like he's got a gold mine

without the calluses.

We get the calluses.

Well, make yourself at home, Candyman.

It's like I've never been away, honey.

Oh, uh, bourbon, please.

Evening, judge.

Oh, hello, my boy. How are you?

I, I trust that that little farce I indulged in

down at the deep-hole didn't disturb you?

Sure not. Sarsaparilla.

Yeah, still on the water wagon, huh?

Yeah.

How's your drinking these days, Judge?

Oh, I'm just having a little one here

I'm a little nervous tonight.

I hardly ever touch it anymore.

You never did. Except with your mouth.

Yeah. My boy, I'm gonna put you next to a good thing.

Well, that's the place I like to be.

I, uh, I've worked myself up a nice little rig here.

Pillar of society, respectable, I'm Justice of the Peace.

Collecting fines right and left.

How'd you like to get a cut in on it?

Tell that gift horse of yours to open his mouth

I want to take a squint at his teeth.

Yeah. Well, of course, I, I'll expect you

to advance me a thousand just to show you good faith.

No, those teeth need too much filling.

Man is a fool to try and con you, Candy.

Yeah, especially a man who's got all the earmarks

of being out on a limb.

I am out on a limb. And a shaky one.

There're showin' it off right now.

They're beginning to wonder where those fines went to.

Sounds like time for you to flag your tail out of town.

Past time.

But I-I can't leave just now.

You see, my daughter and sisters are joining me here.

I-I can't go, I can't stay, I-I'm caught.

How much would I have to dig up to keep that

respectable friend of yours

from getting all full of bullet holes?

Four or five hundred. Have you got it, Candy?

Well, not on me. But I will have.

'I demand to see those cards.'

I tell you, there is no ace of spades in that deck.

Wait a minute. Some people are always squawking.

Three aces ain't enough. Five are too many.

If I ran my grocer store the way this place is run--

Go cuddle your eggs. Get him out of here.

- Come on! - That's right.

You never saw me before.

Sniper, stand by to keep the flies of my back.

Seems to me that if a man's worried

about the scarcity of aces

'the only thing the house can do'

'is spread the deck for him.'

Easy, son, easy.

House has got no call not to be on the level.

'It's got the percentage working for it.'

'That's enough for an honest gambler.'

You're talking for me too, mister.

He's talking for a lot of us.

Light me.

I don't carry matches.

Maybe you ought to.

Well, you know what happens to little boys

who play with matches?

They do funny things in the dark.

I'll make it easy for you. Blackie, matches.

Light me.

Oh, it takes too many hands

I keep mine where they can do the most good.

You win.

I don't know these two dudes from Adam's old fox.

But I'm gonna see this stays a private fight.

- So, simmer down. - Thanks, Whiskers.

But it ain't a private fight.

I'm talking for every man jack of you

who breaks his back all day at honest work

and then comes in here at night for sociable game of cards.

Come here... sheriff.

You got too much lead in your life belt

it's liable to sink here.

Keep that pointed, Whiskers, will you?

'You know, I ought to shoot you with your own gun.'

But I'm gonna let you do it yourself.

We're gonna play a little game called committing suicide.

- What's the rules? - One of us shoots himself.

- And the other? - Laughs his sides off.

I'd like a good laugh. Deal me a hand.

I hold here one-man size portion of death.

I insert it in one of the six empty chambers of this gun.

I spin the cylinder, gentlemen

and let the hammer fall where it may.

'It may fire the first time the trigger is pulled'

'or it may fire the last'

or it may fire anywhere in between.

You don't know, and I don't know.

But we're gonna find out.

The exciting way.

We toss for the privilege of firing the first shot.

Heads or tails?

- Think carefully. - Heads.

The privilege is all yours.

- You're crazy, Brazos. - All gamblers are crazy.

How many rides on the gabby fella?

You get five chances out of six.

That's as good a bet as a gambler'll ever have.

No, no. No peeking. Just...

Would you mind my asking why you're doing this?

Because I believe in giving everybody

better than a square roll.

The odds are getting shorter.

You got three chances out of four.

Well, I make it two out of three for you.

It's an even money bet now. There are two pulls left.

And you go first.

Go on, pick it up, it won't bite you.

Before you squeeze the trigger.

Come on. It's a clean, honest deal

the way any clean, honest gambler like you would want it.

Come on, turn over the card. Let's see the spots on it.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

First of all, you might end up in front of

a pack of indignant citizens waving a rope.

And second, that could be the empty chamber.

And third, even if it wasn't, my bewhiskered friend here

'would still take the last trick.'

You can throw in your hand if you want to.

Only it will cost you five thousand dollars.

It's a deal.

Blackie, get 5,000 out of the kitty.

Hand it to me, Blackie.

- Come on, Whiskers. - Let's go, Judge.

Think of the money you could've saved.

Seems like old times when we did most of our walking backwards.

Oh, pardon me while I clean out my ears.

I saw you put a bullet in that gun.

Yeah, you just thought you did.

That's the best trick I've seen you do, Candy.

The hand is quicker than the eye.

Here's a souvenir for you.

When-when am I gonna get my cut of our little job, Candy?

Tomorrow, when you can see to put it back where it belongs.

Say, that money is too hard to get

without giving it away.

Here, here, here. Here it is.

You sure picked up a nice respectable atmosphere, Judge.

You might have let your daughter get her duds unpacked

before you rolled in like this, Judge.

Ah, a very good evening to you, madam.

- Evening, Reverend. - That ain't my handle.

Well, no offence, ma'am, I just believe in signs.

Oh, the late Reverend was Mrs. Varner's husband.

And I only wish I was big enough to fill his shoes.

Well, with that gun in your hand you look big enough

to fill almost anybody's shoes, ma'am.

'Oh, come on in, Judge, you're tied around the mink.'

Yeah, along side of me, madam

the menacing mink is a teetotaler.

Hello, papa.

Oh, my...

...deepest apologies, my dear.

I'll help the Judge to his bunk.

You've been quiet enough help, Mr. Johnson. Come on.

Well, take your time tucking him in.

I won't move a muscle until you get better.

Elizabeth and me are saying goodnight, gents.

'See you in church.'

We ain't got a church in Yellow Creek.

- Now vamoose. - You haven't?

Well, that's too bad...

Say... could you use a church if you had one?

I ain't no preacher. I wish I was, but I ain't.

I couldn't run no church.

Well, then how about the next best thing?

A mission maybe, huh?

Well, it'd be a decent place for folks on some days anyway.

Sure, sure. Here's 1,500.

'See that you have one in jig time.'

You're joking, mister?

I never joke with money in my hands.

You don't look to me like a man

who would help Lord beat the devil to the door.

Hey, you can't tell by looking, honey.

You build a decent place for 'em to go on Sunday.

And I'll build one for him on weekdays.

What's that?

A saloon where they can get good whisky and honest gambling.

Yes, ma'am. A place where

every sucker will get a square deal.

You would like our place.

Well, that's a mighty fine thing for you to do.

- You'll get your money's worth. - I always do.

And, remember, honey, it ain't good manners to point.

- See you in church, huh? - Oh, go on with you.

I'm young enough to like that stuff.

But too old to believe it.

Don't be so frisky with this money. Next time I might--

Get in there and put that back.

- Oh, Candy-- - You heard me, put it back.

Oh, but I didn't know you wanted

the old turkey hen to really keep it.

- Ma'am. - What do you want?

Nothing, I-I want to give you something.

What?

My very best wishes, ma'am.

My very best wishes.

That big spellbinder is still downstairs waiting for you.

- Oh, he is, is he? - Uh.. Whoa, honey.

You look like you got your tangle over a line.

If you mean I don't like that spell binder, you're right.

Hah, funny, I do.

A fella like that reminds me of a piece of side pork.

Streak of fat, streak of lean, streak of good, streak of mean.

- Personally, I'm a vegetarian. - Oh.

Don't look so disappointed, honey. I'm still here.

Mr. Johnson, I've come down to tell you that

your on the wrong side of town.

I think the two sides ought to get together.

I don't, stay away from me and stay away from my father.

We've got nothing to do with you.

We don't like anything about you and we have nothing in common.

Well, I thought the Judge kind of liked me.

Unfortunately, my father sees good in everyone.

Why, he wouldn't recognize a-a weasel

if it had stripes down its back.

That's a skunk, honey.

All I hope is that I've have made myself clear.

And that you understand me as well as I understand you.

But you don't understand me, honey.

You know what I thought

when I took that first long look at you?

I'm afraid, I do.

I thought, "Now there is a highly respectable spinster.

A real blue blooded lady."

Red blood, Mr. Johnson.

From Boston?

Everybody in my family had red blood.

By the time my great grandfather was through

at Bunker Hill, he was running out of holes in his boots.

Fancy boots, too, I bet.

There were good strong boots. He made them himself.

You mean the old boy was a shoe maker?

What's wrong with being a shoe maker?

Not a thing, honey. I'm just happy to know

that we're the same kind of people.

What makes you think we're the same kind of people?

What makes you think we're not?

I-I want you to stay away from me, Mr. Johnson.

No, you don't.

Why don't you jump in and get wet all over?

You'd feel better.

I was always taught to turn the other cheek.

- Right here. - Hmm.

Well, what ails you?

What'd that fella say to you out there?

- He kissed me. - He what?

Four times.

Well, why didn't you stop him after the first one?

Or the very latest, the second?

I don't know.

I ought to go out there and spill him all over the road.

Thinks he can fool around with my boarder

just 'cause he gave me enough money to build a church.

A church...

Well, uh, maybe you were right about him.

Maybe, honey. But remember, you're a vegetarian.

Mhm. Well, goodnight.

Give me a joe, Frank. I'm dead beat.

I hear the joint was a sellout last night.

Pretty good for 24 hours.

Well, I'd trade her for a cold egg and a keester right now.

Hi, Candy.

Watch over, Colonel. Close.

- Hey, Rube. - Hmm?

We got a customer.

Kind of shaky, ain't it, Blackie?

Not as shaky as your job here.

I'm beginning to feel quite at home

with all these familiar faces.

You come in for a shave?

We're giving some close ones away today for souvenirs.

Hmm, kind of flimsy.

You know, a match could do a lot of good around here.

That's right

it could burn the pants off of a gent about your size.

I wouldn't count on it. I'm fire proof.

Boss, your putting a crimp in that dude's business

and he ain't liking it.

- Ah, he's just window shopping. - No, he isn't, Candy.

He's not gonna take this laying down.

Forget it, honey. Sniper, round up the boys like I told you.

Tell them I said it's Sunday school time.

Say, speaking of Sunday school

I got a new hat with no place to wear it.

It's got violets on it, little shy violets from Boston.

Go ahead, Pearl.

Get me ready to atone for last week's sins.

If you atone real hard, maybe you can take in next weeks too.

'My late husband, Reverend Varner'

'would've liked this little house.'

'He'd have done a..'

He'd have done a lot of good here and maybe we can too.

It ain't a church yet.

But it wouldn't take much for us make it one.

Only, I'm bound to say I never expected to see

'some of these faces in a place like this.'

'Not unless they're laying in a casket.'

'I hear a fella named Candy Johnson.'

'Opened up a different kind of a place yesterday.'

'And he wept and chucked away the key'

'said there wasn't gonna be any lock on his door.'

'Well, I'm gonna run my outfit the same way.'

'The door will never be locked against you.'

Wait! Let me ask you something.

How much you gonna charge for a beer

'when you get this place going?'

You've got the wrong idea, mister.

Everything we handle is free of charge.

Well, maybe that's all it's worth,

if all we get is a lot of gibes.

- 'Shame!' - 'Yeah, maybe the guy's right.'

Listen, mister. This is no place to start a ruckus.

Now you be quiet, or out you go.

Alright, you got the floor. Let's see what you got to say.

- Yes. Speak, speak. - Speak, speak.

- 'Speak, sir.' - Speak.

They seem to want to listen to you, Mr. Johnson.

And it ain't a bad idea seeing

as how you made this place possible.

- Speak up. - Yeah, speech, speech!

Alright, mister. I didn't think I had anything to say.

But since I've been looking at you, I believe I've got a lot.

Why don't you come up here where it's comfortable?

Well, ma'am, if you came to my place

you wouldn't get behind the bar, would you?

Well, ladies and gents.

I'm going to give you the goods...

When I'm talking, I always do better

with something in my hand.

- How do you do? Sit down. - Oh, thank you, sir.

Ah, I'm going to give you the goods on the onerous citizen

West of the Mississippi, folks.

'It's Mr. John Barleycorn.'

Now, I used to think I could give old John the big casino

and still beat him.

But he knew me better than I knew myself.

'You see, I like the stuff.'

'After that first drink, I couldn't help taking the second.

'And after the second, I reach for the third.'

'And after the third I just kept on reaching without counting.'

'I went loco.'

When I woke up, I found trouble.

Sitting on the bed post waiting for me.

'If you'd like my home remedy to keep from taking this'

first drink, here it is, folks. Candy.

Outside of a women's lips, the sweetest thing on earth.

'Good for the nerves, steadies the hand and clears the eye.'

Hey, I wanna ask you something.

Why are you talking against liquor?

You sell it, don't you?

I'm glad you asked that question, my friend.

A long time ago, I found out that no matter what I said

I couldn't stop some men from drinking.

The same as I couldn't stop them from gambling.

So, I figured they'd better have honest gambling

'and good liquor.'

'That's why I opened the Square Deal Saloon.'

'The only place you can be sure they cut the cards'

'and not liquor.'

But one honest saloon and a mission isn't enough

to make a smooth running town.

What you ought to have is a school for your kids.

Yes, and a fire engine to use when the kids try to burn it up.

Um, Mr. Johnson, I'm very glad

that you asked to walk home with me.

Well, thank you, Miss Cotton.

I'm very glad you accepted.

I think there's something that I should tell you.

I'm almost sure that I've misjudged you.

Well, if you're not in too much of a hurry

I'll do my best to make you real sure.

Well, I never did like to walk too fast.

You know, I'm beginning to get

a lot better line on you, too, honey.

Uh, it's a beautiful night, isn't it, Mr. Johnson?

Yes, and it's not getting any worse.

Have you any idea what a gal like you

can do to a gent like me?

I'd like to know. Tell me.

Well, I've seen women I'd look at quicker.

But never one I'd look at longer.

Well, that's a good start. Go on.

You're a runt.

I could put you in my vest pocket

and lose you in the small change.

And me, now, I've always gone for women with something to 'em

the kind that could stand up and slug it out with me toe to toe.

You slug me just by looking at me.

Well, I'm sorry.

But, I'm not sorry.

Yeah, and your eyes

they're green and that always means

hard to get along with.

That's not true, I have a wonderful disposition.

Yeah, and you've got brains, and that ain't womanly.

That's a lie. I haven't a brain in my head.

Mm, and you got a full set of Boston principles

which are about as easy on a man as a hair-shirt.

Now, will you tell me something?

Why do I keep coming back for more?

You've told me why...

...very sweetly.

What? Say that again.

Slow.

I know "sweet" is a funny word to use about you, but you are.

I take it back, honey.

I wouldn't have you an inch taller.

Oh...

Look, I-I think it's time that I went into the house.

I never saw a gal so willing to let it go or talk.

Talk? I thought that was your long soup, Mr. Johnson.

Very nice talk too, as far as it went.

Yes, but a man's got to stop talking sometime.

Oh, but not until he said some very important things.

Well, goodnight, Mr. Johnson.

Hey, wait.

Goodnight.

How could you sleep in here, Candy

with that ruckus going on outside?

The tinkle of the cash register soothes my dreams.

Judge, I think the next thing you better do is take a tour

over to Granite, and round up Kendall and Adams.

Kendall and Adams, yeah, they're good men.

Yeah, we can use them around election time.

I, I hear they're doin' alright over there.

What can I promise them here?

You tell them that no matter what they're getting over there

is chicken feed compared to what their take will be around here.

Okay, Candy, I'm as good as there.

Yeah.

- 'And, Judge..' - Yeah?

Ride the water wagon over, will you?

Oh, I'll latch myself to it. I took the pledge.

That new farrow dealer. I thought he was crooked.

Two for him and one for the house.

So, you couldn't wait to send for Kendall and Adams.

That's right.

It isn't them you can't wait for.

- No? - No.

You're all set to take over every outfit in town except one.

And if you don't take that one over, it's gonna take you.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I never thought you'd let a woman bother you, Candyman.

- How do you know it's a woman? - Because...

Because I'm a woman.

Well, I guess, it's time to open that door

and when you go out this time, I'm gonna lock it.

Okay, honey, but leave the key under the mat.

I'm gonna throw the key away.

When a gent like you gets married

he gets good and married.

A gent like me don't get married.

Then a gent like you don't pick over that outfit.

Keep your biscuits light and your wood pan heavy.

That's the way to make a man toe the mark.

'Anybody home?'

Come in, whoever it is and rest your hands and feet.

Well... come in, honey.

- Come in. - Thanks.

Hello.

Good afternoon.

That depends upon where you sit

and what cards you hold.

Well, then, I'd say it's a very good afternoon.

Sit down, won't you?

Um, I don't suppose you have a drink of whisky around?

Maybe I have, honey.

You know, this ain't been touched

since that last snake bit me.

Mrs. Varner's teaching me how to cook.

Western style.

In this altitude, it takes everything

three times as long to come to a boil.

Yeah. That's only true with cookin', honey.

You know, I'm like this fella, Candy.

'When I talk, I gotta have something in my hands.'

Yes, sir, the Candyman sure can talk. He's a great salesman.

The only trouble is, he's selling just one thing.

Candy Johnson.

I'll say this for him, though.

'He don't hand out any guarantees.'

Well, how can you say that?

He has a sign right over his door.

"The Square Deal."

He's got a different sign on his chest.

One that tells the truth.

Only, it's in smaller letters.

You seem to have read this sign yourself.

Would you mind telling me what it says?

With the greatest of pleasure.

Honey, it says, "I'm not the kind of a gent that stays put.

"Someday, I'm gonna point myself at that door

and keep right on going."

And believe me, sister. He's a man of his word.

Well, it's time for me to say

I've got something to do upstairs.

Put your ante. So long, ladies.

If you need a referee, holler.

Just what are you trying to say?

Something that you ought to have sense enough to know.

Candy Johnson is not the marrying kind.

My Aunt Sarah used to say

that when a man said he wasn't the marrying kind

it only meant that he wasn't married yet.

Maybe in Boston, but this is Yellow Creek, Nevada.

You know, I think you came here because you're jealous.

You're getting warm, honey.

Right now, I'd give 20 bucks to snatch you bald headed.

And why should I believe anything you say?

Well, I guess, you shouldn't, but...

You don't really think that

Candyman has a wedding ring picked out, do you?

Why shouldn't I? What else would he be picking out?

A fancy room in a fancy hotel, honey.

And he won't be renting it by the month either.

Bein' a rat's thirsty work.

- Hello, Beth. - Good evening.

Yeah, I like this country.

Well, that depends on where you sit and what cards you hold.

- 'Doesn't it?' - What?

Candy, I'm glad you're here.

I'm sure I couldn't have slept tonight without seeing you.

You know, I ain't been sleeping so good myself.

And quicker we get something settled

and quicker we'll both get some rest.

Every time I look at you, it hits me again.

You're prettier than a little white kitten

with a blue ribbon on it.

Uh, Candy, you know, I've been thinking this evening.

In fact, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

About courtships, Boston courtships.

They're never shorter than a year

and sometimes they go on for three or four.

Spare me, I ain't got that much time, honey.

Now look, you hustle upstairs and pack yourself a bag.

We're going to Sacramento tonight.

And when you're packing that bag

don't put any wrong ideas into it.

Such as?

Well, I'm a citizen like this.

I like to know that every door works both ways.

When I walk in, I gotta know that I can walk out.

You do wear a sign on your chest, don't you?

What?

Nothing.

Look, supposing I don't go to Sacramento.

Well, then, I'm gonna get you off my mind

if I have to hire a man with a gun to keep me away from you.

I told you what to leave out of that bag.

Now, I'm gonna tell you what to put into it.

Anything with ribbons on it.

Anything you say, Candy.

Do you know why?

Only got a rough idea

but I'd like to hear you say it.

Because a gent like you can do anything to a gal like me.

Anything.

Hey, you'll knock 'em dead in Sacramento, honey.

First off, I'm gonna get you a whole floor

at the Sierra Palace.

Fancy room.

Fancy hotel.

We'll buy out the town.

Say, I've been aching to dress you like you oughta be.

Plenty of plumes, black lace stockings.

And a whole handful of diamonds in your hair.

A handful of diamonds in my hair?

What girl could want more than that?

Let's drink to that.

Here we are.

This is Mrs. Varner's special remedy for sprains and bruises.

Oh, I forgot you can't drink.

I can, but don't.

Aw, and I did so wanna drink to the diamonds and plumes.

But, um...

...this will do.

You know, you must be used to it by now.

But you can pretend it's something much stronger

like milk.

Well...

Well, come on, Candy.

I understand it isn't polite to let anyone drink alone.

You're making me look like a sucker from Boston.

Oh, no, you're from Yellow Creek.

It's good for nerves, steadies the hand and clears the eye.

Candy, you're not just trying to impress me, are you?

Like a little boy walking on his hands?

Here's to the gal from Boston.

And here's to the gent from Yellow Creek.

And to the diamonds and the plumes.

Come on, honey. Let's get going.

Oh, no, wait a minute.

We mustn't forget the black lace stockings.

Uh, Candy...

...this is the second drink.

Do you really think you should?

- Here's to you and me. - And to black lace stockings.

Candy Johnson.

What's your real name, Candy?

I guess I ain't know you well enough to tell you.

But you don't know me well enough to laugh.

'It's Jederiah.'

Jederiah Johnson.

Well, I know you well enough to smile.

Here's to knocking 'em dead in Sacramento.

With a gent like you.

And here's to the Sierra Palace with a gal like you.

Candy, that's your third drink.

You don't want to wake up and find trouble

sitting on the bedpost, do you?

- Who are you? - Trouble.

What?

Don't you remember, you always find it sitting

on the bedpost after you've been drinking.

How did we get to Sacramento, honey?

Oh, we didn't. Uh, this is my room.

Oh.

Well, it looks like you. Everything in its right place.

Including me.

I've got a compliment for you.

You're prettier this morning than you were last night.

And I have a compliment for you.

You were much prettier last night than you are this morning.

Candy, do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?

Open, honey. I don't want to miss anything.

Why, that's fine because I wouldn't want you

to miss anything.

Did I miss anything?

Well, that depends on how much you remember.

Oh, I don't know.

A man can do a lot of things he don't remember.

And that depends on how intoxicated he was.

What I want to know is how do you feel about me this morning?

Exactly as I felt about you last night.

- What do you say for breakfast? - Oh, I've had mine.

Hm, well, maybe a walk, then?

If you're looking for a door

it's that thing over there with a knob on it.

And it works both ways.

Oh, what a shame.

We had so much fun building it last night.

You were so happy.

Happy? How was I happy?

Oh, you were singing.

Did I sing good?

Well, I didn't care for the voice.

- The sentiment was beautiful. - Well, that's good.

After the third drink, I don't usually sing hymns.

Oh, it wasn't a hymn, Candy.

It was, uh

"Here Comes The Bride."

Where did you get that?

You had difficulty finding the proper finger.

You seemed to think it should go on my thumb.

Good morning, Mrs. Johnson.

Good morning, Mr. Johnson.

You sure went through a lot of trouble last night

to make it mister and missus.

Oh, no. No. The only trouble I had was with Mrs. Varner.

She didn't want to get the City Clerk

to perform the ceremony.

Oh, but you were quite agreeable after the third drink--

Yes, sir, you sure went through a lot of trouble.

Hmm.

How do you know it wouldn't have been mister and missus

in Sacramento, too?

Oh.

Oh. Don't start talking.

Maybe I got conned into this marriage and maybe I didn't.

But, uh, anyway, uh, we're married.

Well, now stop talking.

I've heard that all brides are nervous.

I-I'm not nervous.

You know, it's too bad we couldn't have

one of that long Boston courtships.

In three or four years now you'd have been

'as cool as a cucumber.'

We're going to have one of those long Boston courtships.

The only difference is, it's starting after the wedding.

I'm going to have respect from you, Candy Johnson.

That ain't why you married me, honey.

You're going to change.

You didn't go through all that trouble

just to reform me, did you?

Maybe I did.

Alright.

I'll, uh, reform during the day.

It may keep me busy until...

...almost 9 o'clock tonight.

No ribbons.

Hey, bring me a gallon of coffee

four eggs and some bacon.

- Send the coffee first. - Sure, boss.

Sniper, take my hand.

Watch his beard, boys, it's alive.

What you playing, boys, poker?

Yeah.

Alright, Ace.

Hurry up those groceries.

Well, you walked in here

like a fella who took over that outfit, but...

...you work like a fella who got took.

Now, look harder, honey.

When was the last time I got took?

Uh, we were married last night.

- Two, isn't it? - Yeah. Yeah, thanks.

Well, I...

I heard of fellows being sent to jail, I...

...never heard of him breaking in.

'That depends on the fellow.'

Aren't you going to congratulate me?

Here comes your father-in-law.

Think I'll leave that up to him.

- Sir... - Ah-ha.

Hey, Judge.

Come in, I wanna talk to you.

Oh, coming.

You two ought to have a lot to say to each other.

Oh, hello, Candy. Well, I got everything fixed.

Kendall and Adams will be on tab tomorrow.

That's fine.

You can see how dry that water wagon was.

Yeah. Well, have one on the house.

No.

Even in my prime, I never drank before breakfast.

Hmm, sit down.

Well, I really ought to get right home to Elizabeth, huh.

I'm getting her out of this town, Candy.

I'm sending her back to Boston this week.

I don't think she'll go, Judge.

Oh, I'll insist on it. This is no place for her.

- Here, have some breakfast. - Well, thanks, I...

This is the first time

you ever pressed to drink on me.

Why?

Well, I want to drink to your retirement.

You know, when a man reaches your age

being Justice of the Peace

is enough for him to worry about.

From now on, you'll get your cut

'but you won't do anything for it.'

Only a sucker expects to get something for nothing.

Why?

Well, uh, put it down to family sentiment.

Elizabeth and me were married last night.

'You..'

I don't know why I carry the thing.

I couldn't even shoot a dog.

Here, have your drink, Judge.

I'm gonna hate you as long as I live.

Hello, Judge. Did you have a good trip?

- Is Elizabeth upstairs? - Uh, yeah.

Hey, Elizabeth. Your pa is here.

'I'll be right down.'

Sit down, Judge.

I'll pour you a cup of coffee.

I got some on the back of the stove

that'll grow hair on your tail.

Oh, alright.

Hello, papa.

Well, my dear

I understand you've just made

the biggest mistake of your life.

You know about Candy and...

Oh, I'm sorry you had to hear about it from somebody else.

Come, sit down.

I...

I'm going to tell you something

that I should have told you a long time ago.

Candy Johnson is a cheat and a liar and a thief.

Please, papa, don't.

Maybe there is something wrong with Candy.

Maybe I know there is, but he'll change.

I know he will.

Your mother tried to change me, Elizabeth.

She was still trying the day she died.

Don't you believe people can change?

Not people like Candy Johnson.

I know because we're both cut

from the same piece of shoddy cloth.

I hoped that I'd never have to tell you this.

It'll hit you between the eyes.

But maybe that's what you need.

I'm a cheap crook with a respectable front.

I was born that way and I'll die that way.

Looking after myself no matter what it costs anyone else.

And so will Candy.

He'll never do anything, but hurt you.

We'll never change except for the worse.

I wish mother could've heard you just now.

She'd know that she didn't fail.

You weren't just looking after yourself.

You were trying to help me.

No matter what it cost you.

I'm afraid you're just like your mother.

Well, what's going on in here? Anything I should know?

Elizabeth has been telling me

how to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

We're going to be proud of Candy someday, papa.

Well, Judge, everybody's kids has gotta grow up

and get married someday.

Yes, but not to Candy Johnson.

She'll never change him.

And if he changes her, I'll...

Oh, you're wrong about him, Judge.

Most folks think threatened of him to go around.

I thought that handkerchief looked pretty cute.

I haven't got my key yet, Mrs. Varner, uh...

- Where's Mrs. Johnson? - Upstairs.

Not going your pelt.

Last night this time, I was thinkin'

what a handsome corpse you'd make.

Don't say that, honey. I've got a lot to live for.

Take it easy and you'll live longer.

'Who's there?'

It's me.

Jederiah.

'What do you want?'

I said, what do you want?

What're you doin' out there?

Well, at the moment, I'm tryin' to cook up an answer.

That shouldn't be very difficult

for you, Mr. Johnson.

I don't feel like talking now, honey.

Besides, this is a public place out here.

Oh, well, that's very unfortunate

because this is the one time

that I really feel like listening.

Oh, besides, this is a very private place in here.

Say, couldn't you hear me a lot better

if we got all this wood out from in between us?

Well, so far, you haven't said very much.

But I hear you perfectly.

Uh, maybe you were right about

that Boston courtship stuff, honey.

Now you're beginning to say something.

'Yeah, you were right.'

'You know, a gal oughta have a breathing spell'

'to find out about the gent she's gonna marry.'

But you know more about me than most folks.

Now, for instance, uh, you know my real handle.

Go right on, Mr. Johnson.

Well, um

I was born in Chattanooga.

Oh. I like this courtship, Mr. Johnson.

And it wasn't always "Mr. Johnson."

They used to call me just plain "Fatty."

'I got the name Fatty my first day at school.'

Did you like school, Candy?

Did you get good marks?

I didn't go to school very long.

Why?

Did you have to stop to go to work?

Yes, yes, that was it. I had to help out at home.

Well, even after I ran away

I always sent something home every week.

How old were you then, Candy?

Sixteen, but I was big for my age.

How big were you?

Big enough to get by. Can I come in now, honey?

Why don't you try sitting down? Peep in through the keyhole.

What?

Did you always get by, Candy?

Yes, but just getting by didn't satisfy me for long.

It had to be better than getting by.

'I never was one to stand outside scratching on doors.'

I don't know what I'm doing out here now.

This courtship is over.

One more knock on that door, and this marriage's over.

I've been listening to you, Candy Johnson

and that's always a mistake.

Courtship, a fine idea of courtship you have.

Who cares if you ran away from home?

Who cares if they used to call you fatty?

What a woman wants to know about a man

is whether he has decent honorable emotion.

I've got decent honorable emotions.

Stop scratching on that door, you can't come in...

I just came in to say goodnight, Mrs. Johnson.

You can forget about that key.

What would you need a key for?

Candy?

Candy Johnson, you come right back here.

Boss, boss. Look, we fix wedding cake for you.

Thanks, Jim. You eat it.

'Well, now, slow down.'

Ain't it past your bedtime, Sonny?

Maybe, he couldn't sleep

without the tinkle of the cash register.

How'd you like to come to my wedding supper, honey?

- What if the bride objects? - No.

She asked me to get somebody to take her place.

Alright.

Hey, hey.

Bring us a couple of steaks

and a bottle of beer for the lady.

Yes, boss.

I sure like a man who can order a good meal.

- Hiya, sweetheart. - Ooh!

Pardon me, where is Mr. Johnson, please?

- He's in there. - Thank you.

- I'm sorry. Candy's out, ma'am. - I know he isn't.

- But you see he's busy. - He'll be busier.

'Go away.'

'Get away from that door.'

Well, I'm glad I didn't have to break it down.

The two of us were having a little wedding supper.

Why don't you make it a crowd?

I certainly will.

Order me a steak too. Oh, and a bottle of beer.

Well, are you sure you'd like our steaks out here?

You know, we eat 'em rare, and that isn't Boston style.

My great grandfather used to eat them raw. On the hook.

He'd have a tough time in Nevada.

Our cows wouldn't stand still for it.

Oh, you don't know her ancestors, my dear.

The old boy probably took the horns in one hand

the tail in the other

and ate the critter like an ear of corn.

- What about your ancestors? - Oh, they didn't eat beef.

- They rustled them. - In-law trouble already?

Only with the relations on my husband's side.

Candy isn't any relation of mine. He's just a friend.

Hmm. An old friend.

I'm sure he can't be such an old friend, my dear.

You hardly know anything about him.

Uh, maybe. But if I told all I know, he'd be in jail.

And so would you, honey.

Then, of course, you know where he was born.

Sure. El Paso.

Oh, no. Chattanooga, my dear.

'El Paso.'

I suppose you know he ran away from home.

In Chattanooga.

He didn't run away.

They kicked him out of El Paso.

Uh...

Either way, it was, um, St. Louis.

I'm sure they couldn't have kicked him out.

He was such a nice little boy.

In case you don't know, they called him Fatty.

In case you don't know, they called him Little Stinky.

Fatty.

Believe me, Little Stinky.

What did they call you?

Well, you want the truth?

They called me, um, Big Stinky.

Well, Candyman, thanks for the beefsteak.

The next time I go to a wedding supper

I need to get me a husband first.

Why did you tell her the truth and lie to me?

It isn't my fault if I can't

slug it out with you toe to toe.

I didn't want to be born in Boston.

It just happened.

And I can't help it if I have green in my eyes.

I'm just as good looking as she is

and I have just as good a figure

maybe even better.

I can walk like she does, if that's what you want.

I can smoke and I can drink.

What else can you do?

Well, I...

I haven't had much practice, but...

...but I can kiss a man.

Practice.

I wanna go home, Candy.

You are home.

'Don't tell me that's trouble again.'

You married trouble, honey.

Come here and kiss me, trouble.

Will you be there every morning when I wake up?

If that's how you want it.

That's how I want it till I stop waking up.

Why worry about the next 50 years?

We're here now, aren't we?

I am worried though, Candy.

This gun, must you wear it?

Black isn't becoming to brides, honey.

Please, Candy.

Please, leave the belt home today.

Please.

It's as good as left.

That's him for a 100 bucks.

He'll be stiff as a poker by midnight.

Look, he hasn't got his gun.

You don't have to wait for dark. Go after him now.

Pick a fight with him. Say he cheated you.

No, sir, I don't shoot no unarmed man.

I got a prejudice against getting myself lynched.

Oh, what're you talking about?

You don't know he hasn't got a gun, do you? Get goin'.

Yeah, I like those. They're nice and fancy.

You think they're big enough, honey?

You know nothing about feet, and even less about women.

Always ask whether shoes are small enough.

Hey, Johnson.

You're running a prey scam in your joint.

They took me for my poke.

I'm glad to listen to your squawk, mister.

Mine's a true squawk.

'Draw, mister.'

I got nothing against you

and ten-to-one, you got nothing against me

that can't be ironed out.

I'm givin' you every chance.

Draw!

Now, wait a minute. I got my wife here.

Candy. Candy, are you alright?

That's the first time I couldn't talk my way out.

Oh, Candy and I wanted you to leave your gun home.

That's alright, honey. I did leave the belt at home.

Dead as a doornail.

The man's been killed in cold blood, and here's the killer.

What are you gonna do about it?

What'd you suggest, sheriff?

If nobody thinks his feet are too close to the ground

I'm puttin' him in jail.

So I can be shot while escaping, huh?

It was self-defense.

It was self-defense--

- It was murder. - The lady's right.

I saw the whole thing. Who else saw?

'The dude went for his six-gun'

'and the big fella here just'

'naturally beat him to the draw.'

You ought never to open your mouth except to eat.

Friends, I appreciate your clearing me.

But what happens to me isn't important.

It's what happens to this town.

There's a man lying dead in the road.

You killed him. I'll take your gun.

This man could've been me

it could've been you, any one of us.

If Yellow Creek's ever going to amount to anything, folks

we've gotta make it safe for a man

to go out and get himself a breath of fresh air

without getting into a shooting scrape.

A man's gotta carry a gun in a town

where there's no law and order.

No law and order, huh?

You ever stopped to figure out why you haven't got it?

Who elected this gent sheriff, anyway?

I elected myself, unanimously.

Yeah, he just pinned on a star, and started giving orders.

Uh-huh. Do you still want him to go on giving orders?

No! Throw him out!

Brazos, sounds like you've just been fired.

I always listen to the voice of the people

even when I know they're makin' a mistake.

Mr. Johnson, what do figure we ought to do with this star?

Find a cleaner vest to pin it on.

Well, I don't see any spots on yours.

- 'Sure, pin it on Candy.' - 'That's a good idea.'

Nice and shiny, isn't it?

I've got just one official act to perform.

Brazos, I'm serving notice on you right now

that you're through running wild in Yellow Creek.

I see your lips movin', but I ain't heard a word you said.

- I can talk louder. - Not loud enough.

Hang onto this until you find the right man to wear it.

And there's only one way to find him

and that's by a fair-and-square election.

Mr. Johnson, you've got some good ideas.

It's about time this town got some self-respect.

Sure, run it like a town.

City Hall, mayor and everything.

Come on, honey.

'We're behind you Candy..'

Citizens need a new library.

Start breaking ground for it tomorrow, Joe.

And I suppose, raise the taxes again the day after, huh?

I wouldn't think of tell you what to do, mayor.

As long as my cut is big enough.

How much you want for this one?

Price tag's on all of 'em.

- Who is it? - 'Kendall.'

Hiya, fellas.

Hello, Mr. District Attorney. You're late.

Hey, uh, Sniper, how about some ear buffs?

Is that what's them things on that case there?

Yeah.

Brazos

we've got every rule that we run town on a 15% basis.

- 'Is that right?' - That's right.

Heist it to 20. I don't like these, no flash.

- What I get outta this heist? - Your regular cut.

And that's three times

what you made in your old joint.

It's still only knee-high to what you're making.

You like this town, don't you, Brazos?

- Stayin' around, ain't I? - I'm lettin' you stay.

Don't make me change my mind about it.

Mm.

Say, Candy, I've got some beefs today.

Those storekeepers in the 200 block

say they can't pay the rent, we want to stay in business.

Sure, they can. Ask Brazos, he's the landlord.

All they got to do is raise the price of beans.

I'll take this one. This is the biggest one they got.

Alright, boys, next board meeting on Tuesday.

And go out careful. We don't need to advertise.

Tell him to make this up in red, white and blue.

Fourth of July's coming.

Candy, you better ease up on these citizens a little

or they'd throw rocks in your windows.

You know who's with us.

I don't get up there where people can throw at me.

That's what I hired them for, let them do the ducking.

Well, maybe they can't duck fast enough.

Then, we'll ship in another carload of gents who can.

Candy, the Judge's gonna spoil your whole setup in this town.

He's talkin'.

Oh, nobody listens to the old drunk.

You're no different.

If it was anybody else, you'd shut him up.

Well, I'll have a little chat with him.

You better do it pretty quick. He keeps talking and talking.

He's out to get you. What's eatin' him, anyway?

You're his son-in-law.

That's what he's got against me.

How's it coming, honey?

Fine, darling, I'm almost finished dressing.

Yeah. Hmm.

Black lace stockings, diamonds in your hair.

That's what I promised you, and that's what you got.

- Everything but the plumes. - Here, let's look at you.

That's some outfit.

You'll knock the governor

in a cocked hat with that tonight.

But, Candy, this isn't my dress.

You mean to say you're gonna cover all that up?

No, partly, anyway

for the most beautiful dress in the world.

No one'll like it half so good.

Oh, but, Candy, most husbands would object

to their wives wearing so little.

Yeah, but most husbands don't have

a gal like you to show off.

Think of it, darling, tonight we're entertaining the governor

two senators and, oh, I don't know how many millionaires.

Aren't you nervous?

Oh, sure, honey, real nervous.

Soothe me.

Oh, Candy.

Coffee in the drawing-room, ladies.

Now, gentlemen, don't be too long with your cigars.

I'm depending on you, governor.

Count on me, Mrs. Johnson.

This is such a charming house, Mrs. Johnson.

You certainly have brought civilization to the wilderness.

By wilderness, do you mean Yellow Creek or my husband?

Always wondered what they drew in a drawing room.

Pictures or a gun?

What's the matter, governor, aren't you smoking?

- Here, have a cigar. - Oh, thank you.

Uh, Candy, tell me, are going to let us in

on that Windfall mining stock deal?

Well, good evening, gentlemen.

I'm sorry I'm a little late to dinner, Candy.

But I see I'm just in time to have a drink with your gang.

Oh, Judge Cotton

I don't believe you've met Governor Wilson.

- How do you do, sir? - Judge Cotton, retired.

Yes, I-I may be a retired judge, but I'm a practicing drunkard.

Well, Judge, since we are drinking

I'd like to propose a toast to your son-in-law.

Candy Johnson, Nevada's coming man of the hour.

Yes, well, I'll toast to any man with his own brandy

and the older the brandy, the better the toast.

To my respected son-in-law.

The man who runs Yellow Creek like a set of toy trains.

The man who arrived here with one shirt and a million words

and now the people have all the words

and he's got every shirt in town.

That's right, Judge.

But those, uh, shirts are getting a little small for me.

Come on now, you can do better than that.

Ugh. Yes, yes, I can.

To a room full of suckers.

- Suckers? - Yes, gentlemen.

Don't you know what a sucker is?

A sucker is anyone who listens to Candy Johnson.

Please, papa.

Oh. Well...

Well, goodnight, gentlemen.

Sleep well.

May you dream of fat little angels

playing on harps that looked like dollar signs.

Goodnight, Judge.

And thank you.

Well, gentlemen, the Judge just saved me a lot of time

that's why I let him rip.

He, uh, dragged something out of the table

that we all ought to see, so let's take a look at it.

I do run this town, gents.

You knew that when you came here.

'If you hadn't known it, you'd have stayed away.'

If you're ready to pay for anything that I can do for you

then I can do plenty, and you can pay plenty.

So we oughta get along. Right?

Gentlemen.

As I was saying, to Candy Johnson

Nevada's coming man of the hour.

Make it man of the year, will you, governor?

An hour sounds kind of temporary.

Oh, I finally got papa to bed.

Did he spoil anything for you?

No.

Well, you're sweet not to be angry.

Promised this dance to anybody?

Well, yes, to my husband.

You think he'll mind if I cut him out?

Well, I don't know, he's a little jealous.

He's a lot jealous.

Well, every time I get hold of you

I forget we're married.

Oh, Candy, I don't think you'll ever feel married.

You keep on looking like you do, then I won't.

Hello, Jim.

Are you going to be ready with lunch?

Oh, yes, ma'am. We're all ready.

But I'm afraid Mr. Johnson is gonna be late today.

Oh, no, Jim. Mr. Johnson's never late.

'Hey!'

Everybody out of town?

Hello, honey.

Hello, Jim.

I came to a very serious decision today.

What, Candy?

I'm not gonna work anymore in the mornings.

Miss you too much.

Oh, I'd like to have you miss me.

Yeah, you know, I never can figure it out.

Whether you're prettier by lamp light, or by day light.

Candy, did you mean what you said last night?

Well, that depends on what you're remembering.

Well, I mean about not ever wanting to feel married.

Who does?

Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to

for a special reason.

Well, go on, honey, feel married.

Eh, you're not so good at making coffee, but, uh

I'm not complaining.

Well, I'm afraid that you are going to have to

start feeling married, too.

Just a little bit.

Yeah? Who's going to make me?

Well, a very tough customer.

Your daughter or-or your son, as the case may be.

I saw Doctor Otis this morning.

Well, I'm a ring-tailed deer.

Oh, Candy.

Then it doesn't make you feel too married?

Feel too...

Say, look, honey. You shouldn't be on your feet.

Candy. Candy, put me down.

Candy, I'm so happy.

I was scared.

I was scared to death that

you would start looking for that door.

What door? From now on, this house hasn't got any doors.

We'll climb in and out the chimney like Santa Claus.

I'm moving downtown, Elizabeth.

I never should have come to this house in the first place.

Come in, Judge. Put down that bag.

You gotta start acting like a grandfather.

A grandfather?

Just what does a grandfather do first?

Well, first he swells up like a toad

and he offers his congratulations.

- Why? - Why not?

I've tried to believe that you didn't know

what's been going on in this town, Elizabeth.

'What buys dresses like this and a house like this.'

What's making all the honest, respectable citizens

of Yellow Creek talk about

taking the law into their own hands.

Oh, forget it, Judge.

They're just a lot of suckers talking to more suckers.

Haven't you something to say to that, Elizabeth?

Papa, I don't question Candy's methods.

I see his results and I like them.

So will you just stop talking about it, aye, Judge?

You were gonna change him you said.

You haven't changed him, he's changed you.

Wait a minute, Judge.

You sound like you don't like the change.

What's wrong with her wearing dresses like this?

What's wrong with her living in a house like this?

And what's wrong with her being happy with me?

If you cared about anything but yourself, you'd know.

You know her only chance is to get away from you.

Anything I like, I don't let get away from me.

I tried to kill you once...

...I should've done it.

Papa.

He'll come back.

Honey, what do we call him?

- Who? - The new Johnson.

Oh.

Well, what do you think of Jederiah for a name?

It wouldn't be polite to tell a lady.

What say we call him after Judge, huh?

Alright.

Oh, uh, good evening.

Where's your boss?

Mr. Johnson is dressing for dinner.

Tell him to slip on a kimono and come down.

Will you wait in the drawing room, gentlemen?

It's sure like you said, Brazos.

And he picked the right end of this business for himself.

The nice, soft end.

Of course he did.

'You boys got lot on your side.'

Hello, Candy.

Thought we had things divided up

so that we did all of our business downtown, gents.

But this is so ripe, it won't keep.

Oh, well, then sit down and unload it.

I wouldn't want you boys to carry anything around

that's going to spoil on you.

We hear the Judge got an awful belly ache last night

right in front of the governor.

And the boys here feel, we oughta

'put him out of his misery.'

The boys are kinda taking the bit in their teeth

aren't they, Brazos?

Listen, we gotta do something about the Judge.

We got a tip they're gonna hold a big meeting

at the old mission tomorrow afternoon.

There's even talk of having a grand jury.

And the Judge will be there.

Made quite a speech at Wells grocery store.

Said he'd given some names, and facts and figures.

And the boys don't like to be talked about

behind their back, Candy.

I'll send him out of town again in the morning.

He'll be on the 1 o'clock train.

Yeah, he's been put on trains before

but he always had a round trip ticket.

Oh, not this time.

This time I know Candy will send him so far away

he'll get lost.

He won't get lost if he stays away.

Only if he comes back.

I tried to talk him out of it till I was blue in the face.

But that's how they feel.

Must've been a becoming color.

It's too bad I couldn't have seen you.

Brazos.

We don't want the boys to go away all mixed up, do we?

We don't want them to get the idea

that anything they've said

is responsible for the Judge's leaving.

I am sending him, not the boys.

And I didn't need them to remind me.

You think they've got that straight, Brazos?

Oh, sure, boss. Straight as a string.

See, the only thing the boys were just worried about

was that you might be a little sentimental about your family.

Me, I wasn't worried at all.

What lie are you gonna tell Elizabeth?

I'll tell her that you got the itch to move again.

When you get settled in Chicago, drop her a line.

And if you need money, let me know.

Where'll you be?

Right here in Yellow Creek.

- Hanging from what tree? - 'Board!'

Listen, Judge, why don't you stop trying to save people

who don't need to be saved?

So long.

I'll have Elizabeth bring the kid back for a visit.

Hey, Judge, you're stopping the train.

I know. I'm going back, Fred.

I gotta see a town about a dog.

I'm for bending a rope right now.

- Let's stretch their necks. - That never settled anything.

We've got the Judge on our side.

And he's got the low down on everything they've done.

I can't figure out why he did it.

But he's kept a record of facts, figures and dates.

We won't get any justice in this town.

- 'We'll go to the governor.' - I ain't so sure of him.

Then we'll go higher up.

And we'll keep on going till somebody listens to us.

'Everybody in Yellow Creek's got the right to speak'

'his own piece.'

Glad you feel that way about it, honey.

'Cause I'm ready to speak mine.

We'd sooner listen to the Judge.

Your guest of honor send his regrets, folks

and asked that I take over.

I understand that you people feel you have a squawk coming.

Yes, a loud one.

When the Judge gets through talking

a grand jury will hear it a mile away.

You don't seem to get the point, Mr. Wells.

The judge is through talking, but I am not.

I don't like to blow my horn, folks.

But it seems to me as though

I have to remind you of a few things.

Haven't you forgotten that I built the first thing

that looked like a church in town?

And I built the first school, the first firehouse.

Don't let him get wound up.

Or he'll have us all lugged like Christmas tigers.

I can prove that

out of every dollar collected for taxes

forty cents is gone for public improvement.

And we can prove 60 cents goes to you.

'Yeah.'

Mr. Wells, I don't like talk that.

'I'm going to ask you to trot out your proof'

'or pull in your horns.'

Maybe I can trot out that proof, Candy.

I'm sorry I'm late, folks.

- What happened? - Brazos' killed the Judge.

Papa.

Phil, call Dr. Otis.

Come on, boys, give me a hand, let's get her up to the house.

- Where's the hot water? - How is she?

I can't say yet, Mr. Johnson. Dr. Otis will tell you himself.

That pill shooter is taking his time in there.

Don't worry, Candyman.

Women don't get hurt so easy.

You bat 'em down, they bounce right up again.

This Otis, is he a good doctor?

Sure, the best in Yellow Creek.

He's the only one in Yellow Creek.

That means he's the worst too.

Uh, will you go inside and help the nurse, please?

Yes.

Well?

I'm sorry, sir, but...

...your wife isn't going to have that child.

Mr. Johnson, I must tell you...

...I'm afraid for your wife too.

What?

I'm going to operate, but...

Operate?

What are you talking about?

It's a long chance. You've got to understand that.

I'll try, but I can't offer much hope.

Any hope, really.

Don't tell me my wife is going to die.

I don't like talk like that.

Take hold of yourself, man, I'm doing my best.

But I'm only human.

I'm not.

And if you don't pull her through, I'll prove it to you.

I swear that, Otis.

By your life.

I'm trying everything I know.

You heard me.

Well, the doctor's finished, Candy, but...

...we're not gonna know anything much

for a couple of hours.

She's still under the drug.

Candy.

It's my fault papa's dead.

Poor papa.

He was only trying to help me.

You better not talk now, honey.

Papa.

He didn't understand that I couldn't leave you.

No matter what you do.

I should leave you.

But I never will.

But I mustn't let myself think about it.

And myself-myself...

Some day...

Some day, I-I really won't care.

I'll be like you.

I'll lie and

'cheat and steal, too.'

The drug is still effective.

She doesn't know what she's saying.

How is she?

We don't know yet.

'I gotta talk to Candy, we're heading for trouble.'

Not now, Sniper.

This is serious, honey. It's shooting trouble.

Candy, people are holding meetings all over this town.

Mrs. Varner and that fellow Wells are leaving.

They say they're gonna get you and your bunch

out of Yellow Creek if they have to blast to do it.

Brazos and the boys grabbed up all the guns inside.

And they've holed up in the City Hall.

And if you're not down there telling those fellows what to do

it's gonna be Brazos.

Candy, you better listen to him.

The Judge getting himself killed that way

'he touched off the whole thing.'

'He should have stayed on that train.'

I'll tell you why he came back.

Because he thought I wasn't any good for Elizabeth.

He told me her only chance was to get away from me.

He believed it.

Believed it so much, he got himself killed for it.

That's believing.

Candy, you've been wearin' that carpet out for hours.

Why don't you try to rest?

Well, Mr. Johnson, your wife is resting quietly.

She's going to be alright.

Thanks, doc.

Write your own ticket for anything you want from me.

At the moment, I think I'll ask the cook

for a cup of coffee.

Gold Dust.

This will tell Elizabeth where everything is.

Give it to her in some time.

And here's the keys to the strongbox.

Tell her there's enough cash in it

to last her for 50 years in Yellow Creek...

...and a 100 years in Boston.

You are picking up a fine time to walk out.

I should've done it a long while back.

Not unless you're no good for her, like the Judge said.

I've got a different reason.

Her speed is some sucker working in a grocery store

fiddling around with tin cans.

That's for her. And I just found it out.

Your wife is asking for you, Mr. Johnson.

Tell her I have gone...

Never mind.

Here, here, here.

Did the...

Did the doctor tell you, Candy?

Sure, honey.

He said you are going to be fine.

I lost your baby.

But you didn't get lost yourself.

And that's what counts.

At first, I didn't think you wanted the baby, Candy.

And then, you were so happy.

We'll have another one.

You're going to have everything you ought to have.

A nice clean world all dressed up in a white shirt

with its face washed.

I like the one I have.

No, you don't.

You just got kind of used to it.

I couldn't live without it.

You better get some sleep now.

I want to stay awake and think about my husband.

But the doc says you've got to have some rest.

Then I'll go to sleep and dream about him.

How about a kiss?

Could you make it a little bigger?

This one's got to do me a long time.

Well, any time away from you is a long time.

This just came for you.

Got another message from Sniper.

The people are putting up barricades

outside City Hall.

They're getting ready to blow the place apart.

My pal, the governor

wants to know do I need the militia

to put the citizens back in their suckers.

And do you?

I figure there's been enough killing already.

Besides, I've still got my voice.

And just to make sure that I get a chance to use it

I'll take this along.

Goodbye, Gold Dust.

Don't take any wooden suckers.

So long.

Big Stinky.

Alright, stand by, everybody.

We're gonna start this little fracas.

You women keep in the background.

Women shouldn't be here anyway.

Well, you can't keep 'em out of it.

Dan, we're all ready.

Let's unravel some cartridges.

Now, take it easy, don't rush it

I'll give them a chance to come out

and give themselves up.

Hey, you inside there!

That City Hall belongs to this town.

You're going to now get out or we're gonna start shooting.

You better not try it. We've got the law on our side.

Come on, boys, get on those windows.

- 'There's Candy Johnson.' - 'What's he doing here?'

'What do you want?'

Where do you think you're going?

You don't figure I belong out here, do you?

No, I don't. Go in there with your friends.

You and the rest have got just five minutes

to get out of town.

If you go with your hands up and pockets empty.

But we want Brazos for killing the Judge.

You're bucking duly-elected officers

of the city government.

We're just voting you all out, the fast way.

The governor doesn't like it that way.

He sent me a telegram, wanted to know

if I needed the militia

to teach you folks some manners.

No use talking, Candy. We're wearing ear laps today.

We're in the right, that's why we're gonna let ya.

And nothing's gonna stop us.

The bigger the herd, the easier the stampede.

One side, suckers.

Next time you talk to suckers, say please.

'Get 'em up.'

Candy, these polecats are behind Brazos' solid.

He's right.

The boys think you're a little late.

A little too late to sit in on this game.

You're trying to play boss, huh?

I am boss. We're changing places.

I get that high horse you've been riding

and you get a little slugger lead.

But first, you're gonna do some crawling.

Light me.

I told you once, I don't carry matches.

There's plenty matches.

Now light me.

You better try lighting one Western style

with your thumbnail.

If you think you can keep your fingers from shaking.

Three strikes and you're out, Candyman.

This time, you better try to light one

on the seat of your pants, sucker style.

Come on, sucker, reach for the seat of your pants.

Drop it, Candy.

How you settled with Brazos is your business.

What goes on now is ours.

We don't give into that town out there

the town gives into us.

We've got the law on our side

that's just a mob out there.

You heard the boys, where do you stand?

Oh, wait a minute.

You've just seen a little family feud.

After what happened to the Judge

you can understand that.

But you boys, well, that's different.

Who put you in office? Who gave you your jobs?

Where do you think I stand?

There was a time when I wouldn't have agreed with you.

I'd have gone out there and tried to talk those rabbits

back into the ground, they started running.

But I'm through talking to suckers and I'm through running.

Hot lead, that's the only answer

to any question they can ask us.

We'll show 'em the holes in our guns

and tell 'em what to do.

And if they don't do it, the excitement starts.

When gents like us get into anything

it's gotta pay off the goose pimples up our back

as well as dough in the sock.

So come on, boys, get on those windows.

Start limbering up your trigger fingers.

When we polish off a town full of citizens

we'll be famous.

This isn't the real fight.

I can promise you some fireworks when the militia gets here.

Militia?

Did you say the militia were coming?

Sure. State Militia.

They'll come charging up here with their cannons

and we'll have some nice shiny brass buttons to shoot at.

Ten on a trooper and 16 on an officer.

What's the militia coming up here for?

Thought the governor was a friend of yours.

Sure, he is, a friend to the end.

And the end is when we start shooting.

He sent me a telegram, said he was sending up some uniforms

to set us back on our boot here.

Well, that's a mob out there.

Why don't the governor send the troops back to them?

Because he's got a yellow belly.

He knows that once we start shooting

that won't be a mob anymore.

That'll be a lot of dead suckers

smelling awful respectable.

Come on, boys, who wants the honor

of shooting his first bird on the ground?

Here, how about you, Adams?

Come on, we've got all the money in Yellow Creek.

We got every public office

and we got the law tied up like a rodeo steer.

Say, when I got all that

I'd hang on and reach out for more.

Now, it's either that or stick our tail

between our legs and start running.

Well, I'm through running.

I've been run out of too many towns.

So I got me a town of my own, and this is it.

- My town. - Your town?

I ain't gonna fight the militia to fill your pockets.

He's right, Candy, those troops can massacre us.

Maybe they can, and maybe they will.

But what a fight we'll put up before we lose.

And we're not gonna run out the back way

just because it's not guarded. Not us!

We're gonna make it a scrap every shot of the way.

Until the last one of us garbs his belly

and falls on his face in the dirt.

I ain't too proud to go out the back way.

- Hop out, boys. - Me neither.

Hey, wait a minute, come back here! Adams, come here.

'What have you got to lose that I haven't got?'

Come back, you yellow dogs.

Light me.

You're getting more like Brazos every minute.

I'd have to be dead to be like Brazos.

You are dead in Yellow Creek

You just gave this town back to those suckers.

You're crazy, my brave little army just ran out on me.

Ran like dogs on fire.

You mean you ran 'em out yourself.

Candy, that's the best con-speech

I've ever heard in my life.

What do you mean con-speech?

I was only trying to get 'em interested.

Alright, move in, it's vacant.

Vacant? What about that band of cut-throats?

Here they come, looks like old times.

Where are they? Where's the rest of that gang?

They went out the back way.

He's right, Dan, they're gone.

What about Brazos?

He's got a hole drilled in him. You can hang him up on a nail.

One side, suckers.

Please.

Hope that train is headed for Cheyenne.

What about our laundry?

Forget it.

It was getting a little frayed around the edges anyway.

I'm kinda sorry to see him go.

What?

Oh, never mind, you wouldn't know what I mean, anyhow.

Why?

Because you ain't a female.

Oh, what's that you're playing boys, poker?

Why don't you sit down and find out?

Well, thanks, and don't mind if I do.

Pardon me.

Sniper!

Oh!

Honey, I couldn't have been more gladder to see you

as if you were some fat sucker from Iowa.

Oh, Sniper, I know I've never told you this

but you are a beautiful man.

Candy's upstairs, room 206, it's a first turn to the left.

I'll head you till the stairs.

Oh, you are smart and I like your taste in postcards too.

Ma'am, where are you going?

Room 206, it's the first turn to the left.

And missus.

Come in.

It's bad luck to say goodbye twice to the same person.

Then don't say it.

You said it once and you didn't mean it.

You're a liar, Mr. Johnson.

'I don't want anymore talk, I don't know'

'what you mean when you say you came here'

'because I've changed.'

- 'Yes, Candy.' - 'I haven't changed.'

'You're here because you're crazy about me.'

'Yes, Candy.'

'You liked me the way I was'

'and the way I always will be.'

'You wouldn't change a hair of my head.'

'No, Candyman.'

'Now for understanding you so well, what do I get?'