Original subtitles

- What did you do?! - I've done something terrible.

She sent her anthology of smutty stories

to the American and the coffee man last night.

Ohhh!

Guess what I found?

An email from my favourite Scottish lassie.

I sent you a really embarrassing email.

- Can you delete it? - Sure.

- Seriously? - Yeah. Don't want to embarrass you.

There's your answer - Lee passed the test.

Lee is the one person who apparently hasn't read my creative writing.

Please, be chill.

If it wasn't for this one sending dirty emails to you

and the American, it would have been a clean sheet.

Oh, yeah, fuck!

I've got... I've got something on...

I've got to go. Bye.

When I was drunk, and it was an experiment,

and I was trying to work something out.

So you're keeping your options open?

I could have other options too.

Hey, come on, tomorrow's a brand-new day,

and it's the big fundraiser,

and we can dress up and be whoever we want to be, huh?

Heh.

Evie, do you have any eyebrow gel?

Did they have eyebrow gel back then?

I look like an angry owl.

Do you think I look too slutty for a museum open day?

Every day at the museum's an open day, Evie.

This is a walk through history,

a great opportunity for education and public outreach.

OK, you hate the public and you hate reaching out,

so did Shane tell you to say that?

Yes.

You can't talk to any of my colleagues.

You've got chaos in your eyes.

It's been missing, hasn't it?

My spark, my whimsy, the chaos.

Ever since I got married, I just...

It feels like it's gone.

The word you're looking for is "stability". You're stable now.

Ew.

Well, maybe what today needs is a bit of instability.

I can find Mr "I've Got Other Options"

and slap some sense into him.

No. This is a work event.

He's not going to be there.

I'm not going to think about it.

OK, but if I see him...

No! All I have to do today is oversimplify a subject

I feel very passionately about to pander to the public

while dressed like a giant tea cosy version of my hero, Mary Anning.

There will be no love triangles,

there will be no "Will they, won't they?",

there will be no shenanigans, nor erotic fiction.

NDN - No Drama Nina. Got it.

It's just...

I've never had a fight before,

but I didn't feel at least a little bit right,

and nothing about last night feels right.

Sis...

Come on, you're doing great.

Having a screaming match in the street with a boy

is a rite of passage.

I just want to cuddle up and go to sl-...

Nope. Going to work. I'm a grown-up.

I've got my big-girl bonnet on.

And do you seriously think he has other options?

Why else would he have said that?

Er, cos men are stupid.

DOOR OPENS

Are we ready, ladies?

Ranesh!

- You look so hot. - Well, thank you, my love.

OK, you need to tone it down a bit.

This is a work event, yeah?

We can't.

SLAP!

- We run hot. - Hmm. Yes, we do.

- Whee! - Ha-ha!

RANESH SUCKS AIR

Howdy doody!

Shut up!

I mean, he's fine if you like that kind of thing.

You friggin' love that kind of thing.

Do you love that kind of thing?

OK, what is going on with you two?

- We bought horny chocolate off an Instagram ad. - We did.

We really want to keep our marriage spicy and the woman in the video

said that she was absolutely sopping.

Oh, Evie! Shut up! You said you were here to support me.

I've got my professional bonnet on.

How are you going to make it through the day

without climbing him like a great oak?

Erm, very simply - I'm a professional,

and I've never climbed a tree before, so...

Listen, you and Lee have been dancing about each other for what,

the best part of a year?

- Yeah. - And that bombed.

So, logically...

Logically, you should take a page out of our book, Neen Bean,

and dive in headfirst.

Oh, I should take advice from the two people

who just bought sex potion off the internet, yeah?

Mmm, he's waving, what do I do?!

- Wave back, ya numpty. - OK.

The greatest things in life are on the other side of fear.

I thought the greatest things in life were free.

Hello, Clayton.

A pleasure to see you again, Miss Anning.

WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: Oh, no, the pleasure's all mine, Mr Buckland.

Evie, Ranesh, lovely to see you both.

And you, Mr Buckfast.

A-heh...

Ready to walk through history, Scotland?

Mmm. You know, if we made any substantive leap back through time,

we'd probably die of disease.

Oh, yeah. Oh, you'd be executed in a heartbeat -

correcting the menfolk, speaking your mind.

Witch.

Oh, and you'd be just fine with your big, white face

and your big, white teeth and your man parts.

You'd probably be king for the day.

I can give you the royal pardon!

OK, well, we're going to leave you two to...

..whatever this is.

We have plans.

Evie! No shenanigans, not in my place of work!

Oh, bother...

Nina, Clayton! Over here!

- Shall we? - We shall.

Huddle up, team.

You should all have your card readers ready to take donations.

All exhibit stations should be manned at all times.

What if I need to pee?

Just hold it.

Last year, several educational aids were stolen.

It was papier mache seashells and he'd made them himself.

Our theory is the cleaners thought they were rubbish and binned them.

- THEY LAUGH - Remember to present your card reader

with a smile after you've dropped some knowledge.

There's a prize for the department who raised the most money.

I'm too hot. Let's de-huddle.

Last year, the prize was "a job well done".

Yeah, well, this year, it's real,

and we shan't be outdone by Antiquities.

Not again. Not on my watch.

Antiquities have Hollywood on their side and they always use it.

Oh! That's why you're dressed like Greased Lightning.

Well, no, hang on.

Nina, I'm Jurassic Park's Dr Ian Malcolm, obviously.

Well, he was a mathematician, obviously.

Nina, all we have is Jurassic Park, OK?

They've got Gladiator, Troy, Indiana Jones.

As the great Samuel L Jackson once said, "Hold on to your butts."

As you can see, the Antiquities Department

have gone all out this year.

Dirty graverobbers.

Oh, and let the guests know that there are complimentary

but limited drinks from the van around the corner.

To your stations!

I didn't know you would be here.

I... I'd already said yes, so it was too late to pull out.

I was going to tell you the other day.

No, it's... It's good that you've honoured your commitment.

You look...

It's OK. I'm a grown-up. You're a grown-up.

We've got jobs to do, so...

..we'll do that.

You OK, Scotland?

Get ready, folks, it's nearly showtime.

Open the doors!

They're already open, Shane.

Welcome to Jurassic Park.

So, who are you supposed to be?

I am Mary Anning.

I could tell you a little bit about her. Erm...

- Who wants an Egyptian selfie? - She was struck by lightning

at 15 months old, but she survived it,

and her dad said after that, she became bright

like the lightning itself.

Oh, and we're done.

CARD READER CHIMES

Thank you.

Nina, have you seen Ranesh?

Why, is he hiding?

EVIE SIGHS

No, he keeps helping old ladies up the stairs,

and every time he gets one up, he goes back and gets another one.

It is so...

..disgustingly hot.

You guys are really weird, do you know that?

DISTANT LAUGHTER

Do you think that Claudette from Antiquities

is Lee's other option?

Graverobbing AND boyfriend-robbing?

- I thought they were just friends, but... - They do look flirty.

Do you know what?

I'm not doing this.

Today is about work.

And beating Claudette and her ugly vases.

A bit.

- Hello, hello. - Oh!

No dairy for you.

Not before we you-know-what.

My love, it's cashew cream.

What are we... What are we you-know-whating?

We're going to boof in the museum.

I'm getting my freak back.

Evie, no!

I'm not asking permission. This is happening.

How do we get to the big, erm...tubey piano thing?

It's called a pipe organ

and it brings much joy to the elderly.

Please don't sully it.

I'm going to pipe his organ.

No, Evie! Don't boof on the organ!

- Ohh... - Excuse me.

"Don't boof on the organ" is Mary Anning's favourite bawdy limerick.

Who's Mary Anning?

Only the greatest palaeontologist who ever lived.

She was the first to discover

the complete skeleton of a plesiosaur, mate.

Oh, right. Er...

Cool.

You need to calm down.

You're scaring away the clientele.

I'm here to help you, pal.

You're not my pal and I don't need your help.

You obviously do need my help

because you're dressed like Nanny McPhee and you're sweating.

OK, well, I'm always sweaty.

How did you even get in here?

Do you know what? Actually, don't tell me. Do you know why?

Cos I'm not talking to you.

I bought a ticket. It's no' like the fuckin' Met Gala, ya freak.

Look, I made a mess the other night and I'm here to fix it.

- Let me. - I don't need you to fix it. In fact, you can't fix it.

You can't just glue us back together like we're your Princess Diana plate

that you broke and then Mum found out you.

- You broke that. - You did it because you shoved me into a shelf!

- Er! - Er! - Ah!

OK, I'm going to go and talk to your coffee man.

- I'm going to sort it out. - No, no, no. Bo, Bo...

- SHE GROANS - Nina, why is your station unmanned?

Because I need a minute.

We're losing this, Nina.

We've barely started and we're already losing.

There's a line 'round the block for a picture with Cleopatra

like this is some kind of theme park.

Oh, how terrible.

We need to do something bolder, Nina.

Do you think Clayton would take his shirt off?

Absolutely not! And now, you have to go report yourself to yourself

for saying that.

I'm boiling. I need to take this cloak off.

OK.

Shane, you can't come with me to the cloak room.

Oh, bother. Another demerit.

Nope!

GROWLS: Nooo...

DOOR OPENS

Nina, we were just...

We weren't. Sorry.

I said no boofing in the museum.

I'm a professional.

I have a professional bonnet on.

This is my place of work,

and I am boiling, and I am tired,

and Bo is here.

We told him not to come.

Yeah, well, he didn't listen, much like you two

when I said, "Don't boof in the museum!"

Evie, once you've wiped yourself off,

if you could come to the bathroom and help me

because it's difficult to pee in these skirts.

Sorry, I was finding my spark.

Take your time.

There are some elderly ladies who need an escort up the stairs.

SHE GASPS

Are you OK?

No.

I just need a minute.

Are you even peeing?

I thought I needed, but I think I might just be annoyed,

and it's hard watching Lee and Claudette flirt,

and I can't be all smiley, and I'm hot, and my cloak is heavy,

and I just want to be left alone.

Take all the time you need.

I hate that I'm like this.

I wish I was normal.

Don't do that.

Nina, I love you.

Ranesh loves you.

You're perfect.

And imperfect, but...you're Nina.

I feel like I'm failing all the time.

Because you hold yourself to these unachievable standards,

and then you're raging with yourself when you can't reach them.

It's like you constantly set yourself up to fail.

You don't need to do that.

You're magic, sis.

OK?

Thank you.

Now give me the key to your office.

- No! - You don't understand, this chocolate has done a number on me

and I am savage.

Is it weird that I kind of want to choke Ranesh,

but in, like, a fun, hot way?

It's super weird.

You need to, like, cool down, my friend.

No, what I need is to just let my primate brain just take control.

You know that we had years of evolution to stop that?

Logic and rationality be damned, I am an animal.

Now, give me the key!

No!

From the Iguanodon,

this bone was discovered by Dr Gideon Mantell

in the 1820s in Sussex.

He didn't know at the time that it could possibly be

over 100 million years old.

SHE GASPS

Can I hold it?

No.

- Can my son hold it? - What part of 100 million years old

do you people not understand?

Er, bit cheeky!

PEOPLE MUTTER

Any donations?

Come on, son, we'll go and get an ice cream.

They never even tipped!

I told you to go away. Why are you still here?

- Tried talking to your fella. - I told you not to!

Well, it was hard getting a word in edgeways

with that Egyptian bird hanging around.

Cultural appropriation much?

LEE MAKES LIGHTSABER NOISE

Why are you doing this?

Because I've been in relationships, Nina, unlike you,

I'm here to advise.

If I want advice on a relationship, Bo,

you're the last person I'm coming to.

See if I wanted advice on how to latch on to the nearest

toxic person because I'm too frightened to be alone

with my own thoughts? Then I'll come to you.

See if I want advice on how to be a fuck-up?

Then I'll come to you, Bo.

- Right. - No...

SHE SIGHS

- It's worse than we thought, Nina. - SHE GASPS

They're at least 100 ahead of us.

- I don't care. - We have to do something, Nina.

Razzle-dazzle them!

Why are you so wet?!

I'm having a reaction to the leather.

What we need is something better than them.

Better than the Roman Empire.

WHITE NOISE BUILDS

SHANE'S VOICE GROWS DISTANT

- I don't want her to win. - That's the spirit, Nina!

Do you know why we always lose?

- No. - Because we always, always take the moral high ground.

Well, no more.

We're going to play dirty.

So that was a whistle-stop tour

through my life as the people's palaeontologist.

Excuse me!

Get up, Yanky Fandang. We need your help.

- Take off your shirt. - No!

- Got it. - Stop asking him to do that!

- Oh. - Also, go wipe your face! You're absolutely drenched!

OK, so what's the plan?

I think if you were in any era, it should be the Roman.

Do you remember that package of creative writings that I sent you?

Mm-hm.

Remember the one about Steven Buckland and Tina?

That's Mary Anning fan fiction.

Steven Buckland's William Buckland.

Why do you think I'm wearing this outfit?

Tina gets the books she needs from the Royal College

after they reject her by seducing Steven Buckland.

Do you want to do a dramatic recreation to destroy

the Antiquities Department?

HE CHUCKLES Er... Without the carriage scene.

It's literally my favourite scene.

Of course it is.

And remember, you have to call me Mary.

I'll call you whatever you want, Scotland.

Ugh. I'll get my cloak.

WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: Oh, Mr Buckland, I need...

..I need...

Mary, I will give you anything you need. Just... Just ask, my love.

I need...you...

..and the keys to the Royal College Library.

They won't let me in to advance my studies.

Damn their misogyny!

You are the brightest star in the sky, gender be damned.

Come, I shall take you in my carriage anon.

They're going to do the carriage scene?

EVIE GASPS

Oh, Mr Buckland, you're not like those other men.

Surely this will advance my understanding

of the prehistoric era.

And my understanding of what lies beneath your petticoats.

And if you want to see the rest,

please tap your cards onto the reader and make your donations.

The more you pay, the more they play.

APPLAUSE

And remember, it's all for a good cause.

Thank you, thank you.

That's it, make it rain.

Every shilling counts, ladies and gentlemen.

Thanks.

Come on, Scotland, let's give the people what they want.

I-I can't do this.

- It's just a bit of showmanship. - Mm-mm. I can't.

Oh, Clayton, that was really...

WHITE NOISE BUILDS

Nina.

I got too carried away.

I let my feelings cloud my judgment.

I don't behave like that. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Ohh... I'm Mary Anning.

She deserves better than some made-up,

- fictitious, tawdry... - OK, what's going on? What's going on?

Come on.

- I need, I need... - What do you need?

- I need to scream. - OK.

Then scream, Scotland.

SHE SCREAMS

You feel better now?

I've let everyone down.

I've let myself down and Antiquities have probably won.

No, no, no, Declan and Shane'll handle things.

Erm...

I wonder if this might be putting off the guests.

What we did out there wasn't true. That wasn't truth.

What we did out there, OK, was we razzled and dazzled 'em, OK,

to reel them in, and then bam...

..we hit 'em with the facts.

You know, we wow them with the science.

The undeniable...

I... I-I can't kiss you.

I'm sorry.

I have these feelings and I'm not really good at

working out what they are.

And I have this big, vast feeling for you.

I like you very much, but it's not that kind of feeling.

You're my friend.

I think you might be my best friend.

My first best friend who's not my relative, or an old man,

or...a dead scientist.

How I feel about you...

..it...it-it's not the same as the way I feel about Lee.

I don't think I can do pretend any more

just because I'm curious, or confused, or...jealous.

I just... It's not right.

Are you annoyed at me?

Scotland, erm...

I don't think I've had a best friend either.

How can I be mad at my first?

Clayton...

DOOR OPENS

We weren't kissing in the cupboard.

Tell him we weren't kissing in the cupboard!

Oh, yeah. No, we, er...

We definitely WEREN'T kissing in the cupboard, Declan.

Er, so I'm going to go and see if I can wrangle up

those last few pounds, huh?

We got shown an educational video about what to do

if you discover two colleagues being erotic in a cupboard.

Well, I wasn't being erotic in a cupboard.

I'm sure.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

So...

..what are you supposed to do?

I don't know.

I got distracted by the actor playing the sexual harasser.

He'd been in an episode of Minder.

How did you find me?

Oh, I wasn't looking for you.

This is where I escape during official museum events.

It's a good nook.

Shane thinks it's haunted.

Risotto ball?

No, thank you.

So what are YOU hiding from?

I behaved badly today.

I wanted to win so much.

I've never felt jealousy like this.

I don't know where it came from.

Well, professional jealousy's normal in academia.

Mm-mm. There was nothing professional about this.

It wasn't about academia or the museum.

It was about Lee and Claudette.

How she's stole Lee, or won Lee, or...

I don't know.

All I know is she's the better option

and I'm some weirdo, who can't compete.

Mmm. Sounds like the jealousy isn't the illness.

Sounds like it's the symptom.

A symptom of what? Do you think I'm sick?

I think you might be in love.

- Love? - I'm very good at pattern recognition, Nina.

Even if that were the case, it doesn't matter

because...he's moved on...and I've already lost.

Love isn't a competition, Nina.

It's not about winning or losing.

It's about...

..being yourself and letting someone love that version of you.

And if coffee boy can't handle you at your weirdo in a bonnet,

he doesn't deserve you at your...

..brightest palaeontologist of her age.

SHE SIGHS

Thank you. Declan.

- MIMICS YODA: - Happy to help am I.

THEY LAUGH

These things work themselves out.

Just takes us a little bit longer.

Shall we go back out?

Can we stay here a little bit longer?

Hmm.

Now that all the guests have gone,

who's ready for the results of the fundraiser?

APPLAUSE

The totals have been tallied.

FEEDBACK

Palaeontology have won.

Yes!

Yes! Come on!

How?

The public fucking ate up your Mary Anning smut.

Who wants to come up and collect the prize?

Yes, Yes! I do!

Come on! Let's go, baby!

- Woo! - Oh, God, he's so American. - Woo!

- Come on, let's go! - I've got the ick.

So you and Clayton are...?

Friends. Just... Just friends.

No inverted commas or wiggly eyebrows.

I'm sad we didn't get to boof in the museum.

I'm not.

He kept getting distracted by the old, needy ladies

and it was driving me crazy.

That chocolate made me feral.

What is in this chocolate?

Erm... It's, like, special ingredient.

EVIE GASPS

Do the voice.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Oozing with our secret sauce,

a blend of sucrose and lecithin,

guaranteed to really get your juices flowing.

Hmm.

Sucrose is fancy for "sugar"

and lecithin is a common emulsifier.

The only thing you are guaranteed is tooth decay

and a smooth cacao product.

- Wait, do you mean...? - Yeah, you've been scammed.

You're an idiot.

So this feeling...

..it's just us?

We don't need artificial enhancements, my love.

The horny juice runs through us.

49.99 plus postage and packaging.

- Still worth it. - Hmm. What a journey.

Told you we run hot.

Oh!

You're going to have to go and pick that back up.

It's not a bin, it's a museum.

Yeah, come on.

Sorry.

Am I going to have to wear my noise-cancelling headphones tonight?

- Oh, yeah. - Ugh.

So, what was the prize?

It was a 15 voucher to Pizza Pizza Pizza.

SHE GASPS

Each?

For the whole department to share.

I knew it!

So, what are you guys doing later?

We're just heading home, actually.

We've got a lot of Real Housewives to catch up on.

You OK?

I'll be fine. Bye, Clayton.

See you later, Scotland.

NINA SIGHS

WHISPERS: Thank you.

Oh, sugar boots.

I've left my pass.

Can you hold my basket?

I'll get you out there.

Hi, Claudette.

Hey, Nina. Well done.

Oh... Thank you.

I just wanted to say that I hope you and Lee...

Dr MacArthur!

So good to see you again.

- You remember my wife? - We met at the last one of these.

Oh, you were hilarious. Called her a graverobber!

I swear, sometimes our banter is the only thing

- that gets me through the day. - Aww. - Eh, Nina?

I'm so sorry, I'm... I'm bad at remembering people.

- Linda. - Linda.

Claudette's wife, Linda.

Do you know where Lee went?

- Hey, you guys, you're really cute. - Aww.

He left a wee while ago...

..funnily enough, well before the cleaning-up started.

Oh, men!

I'm going to go.

- I love her. - Aww.

- So, Claudette has a wife? - Yeah.

- That you've already met? - Yep.

And you just forgot about that?

Yep.

Evie, I don't pay attention to people's private lives.

It takes up valuable space in my brain.

- So, Lee's free? - Yeah.

But it doesn't matter.

It's done now. I...

I got jealous over nothing, I made an arse of myself

and I hurt his feelings.

I should just...let him go be happy.

Very mature.

Cos it's the right thing to do.

One hundy P.

Yeah, just...leave him be.

Give the boy space.

Or I could go find him...and make things right.

Yes! Finally!

Obviously that's what you should do!

Then let's go!

Know it, I know it, I know it, I know

I know he's gone I know he's gone

Know it, I know it, I know it, I know

I know he's gone I know he's gone

I walk by, wasting time

Getting somewhere good cos I've got a life

23, never me

Losing is the only way to set you free

No! Can't see me...

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