Original subtitles

Quite the dark horse, aren't you, Nina? Is it serious?

And he said, "We're friends."

Not everyone has to like you.

Well, I like you, Dr MacArthur.

I think he wants to boof you back to the Jurassic era.

Are you not having fun at your baby drenching?

You're not going to have an easy time, darling!

If I hear about another ripped fanny, I'm going to pass out.

Lee is playing in an open mic night, and he asked me to go.

You came!

Friends turn up for each other.

Yeah...

- FALSETTO: - It doesn't matter what you do...

It's not a love triangle. It is a mild-feelings triangle at most.

As long as what you do is true...

Shots, please.

- Tequila slammers! - GIRLS' NIGHT!

This one is for you.

Let's find out who wants to be more than friends.

SLURRING: I'm just putting out my feelers, Bo.

What have I done?!

What did you do?!

I've done something terrible.

If it's murder, we need to act quick, Nina.

No body, no crime.

Evie, it's so much worse!

You know how when I get stressed...

..I do creative writing?

Smut, Nina. You write smut. Let's not beat about the bush.

- BOTH: - GO AWAY!

Last night, when I got drunk, which made me stupid...

..I sent Lee and Clayton...

..Romancing The Bone: The Tina MacDonald Chronicles.

You sent Romancing The Bone: The Tina MacDonald Chronicles?!

Stop shouting!

Wait, did you send them the Wattpad link or did you send them PDF?

I sent a PDF! I'm not insane!

This is good.

They're not going to read the Harry Potter fan fiction.

This is your fault.

You were the one who was all "put out your feelers"!

Feelers, Nina!

A bit of flirting, bat your eyelids, touch their forearms!

Don't send them your anthology of porn stories!

I'M AUTISTIC - I DON'T KNOW WHAT FEELERS ARE!

Ugh!

WHIRRING

GOOD MORNING, CHILDREN!

- Morning... - Stop shouting!

Ugh...

NINA BURPS

Mm. Drink it, it's like medicine.

Fucking savages!

I'm dying.

Lurch, you going to vomit?

No, she's got the fear, cos she sent her anthology of smutty stories

to the American and the Coffee Man last night.

I always thought you should call it Jurassic Pork.

That wouldn't make any sense, because Tina handles human bones.

Yeah, she does.

What?

Who told Bo?!

No vaping in the kitchen!

NINA COUGHS

Evie!

Oh, he was homesick at uni.

I thought it would cheer him up! I'm sorry.

Oh, God.

I'm late.

I've never been late for work.

Shane's going to reprimand me for being hungover

and he's going to tell me off for sending inappropriate emails.

I really like the one where you fall in love with the falconer.

GROWLING: Romancing The Bone is not about me!

Pfft! Sure thing, babes.

Tina is a fictitious, sexually empowered forensic anthropologist

from the 1800s.

I'm Nina, palaeontologist from the present day,

who's also...sexually liberated.

- Hugely different, Evie. Massively! - OK.

I need to find a hacker! Nesh...

- Ranesh! - Hmm? - Do you know anybody

I'm in the dark web right now, Nina.

Dark web of tequila slammers.

Evie, can I tell them you wrote it?

I think me writing smut about you is way weirder.

Why is nobody trying to help me fix this?

Maybe the question, Nina, isn't how you fix this, but...

..but why you sent it?

I sent it, Ranesh, because drunk Nina thought

it would be a good experiment to work out

which one of the men liked me, based off of my writings.

Well, then, you're going to have to go and gather your results.

I don't want to.

Sorry, Shagrid, the die hath been cast.

TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC!

This is why we should never do science whilst drunk, Nina.

Well, it will certainly be interesting,

- considering they're both in it. - No, they're not. - Yes, they are!

Lee is Lawrence, the sugar merchant,

and Clay is the new smarmy guy that Tina snogs

when she's working away in Borneo!

Did you snog Clay on the Isle of Wight?

No!

But you wanted to, didn't you?

- No! - But your subconscious wanted you to.

GROWLING: I don't know what my subconscious wanted, Evie -

that's why it's called a SUB-conscious!

QUIETLY: I'm sorry.

I just... I write my stories so that I can...

SHE RETCHES

I'm fine.

I write my stories so that I can try on different hats

without, you know... trying on actual hats.

Does that make sense?

Oh, I'm going to be late.

Go, go! Find out what hat fits your big heid.

Come on, I'll give you a lift to work.

You'll have to excuse the smell of the garlic mayo and sick -

I had three heathens in my car last night.

- INCREASINGLY LOUD: - We'll pick you up some electrolytes on the way!

Oh, shit...

Evie, can I take these?

- I'm not going to eat them, I'm just going to roll them on my face. - Yeah.

How you feeling?

QUICKLY: Good. Good. Great. I'm good. I'm good. I'm great. I'm fine.

That's...enough of that.

So what's the plan, Batman?

Probably try and delete the emails before they read them,

and, if that fails, then I'm just going to say

I was possessed by a horny ghost.

I don't know what I'm doing, Bo - I'm raw-dogging life.

I don't know why people do this. You know, just, like, make mistakes

and then deal with the consequences? That's mad!

You can never drink again. It makes you stupider than the normals.

More stupid, Bo. Not stupider.

There she is.

Seat belt.

SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH

Hello, Dr MacArthur.

Hello, coffee vendor Lee...

Feeling a little worse for wear, are we?

- Yep. - Heh.

QUIETLY: OK.

Did you get any emails last night?

Och, not on this bad boy.

Finally got a replacement phone.

- Oh, it's old! - Yeah.

Well, I thought since the last one exploded,

maybe it was time to have a bit of a digital detox.

You know, cut down on the old, er... doom scrolling.

And if I need to check my emails,

I've got my tablet.

Plus, this one's got Snake.

Do you want to try and beat my top score?

- No. - No? - No-no, thank you.

Oh.

Er...so, what were you saying? About emails?

Just, um, asking if you got any-any unexpected emails?

Like what?

Like, um, oh... the-the head of the museum.

He-he sent an email last night

about how people were taking drugs in the museum and...

..the police are coming.

Er, an inspector shall call forthwith.

- Huh? - It's-it's mad.

- Well, I can check... - No!

No, no, no, no, cos you don't work at the museum,

so why would you get museum emails?

BEEPING

Ah, balls! I haven't changed the coffee.

Can you, um...hold the fort?

Fort held.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

HISSING: Declan! Declan!

- What's the problem? - Last night, I got sauced

and I sent an inappropriate email to Lee and I need to...

I need to go steal his tablet to delete the email

- and you need to distract him while I do that, OK? - You...

Just improvise! Raw-dog it!

Hey, Declan.

Oh, argh! Aargh!

- Myocardial infarction! - Oh! - Oh, God!

Oh, God, oh, oh! Oh, OK.

- OK, OK, there's a chair there, then I'll get you help. - Ah...

DECLAN PANTS

- Are you OK? - Argh! - Oh...oh!

Er, I-I don't know CPR.

I'm calling 999. Nina!

Ca-caw!

Oh! Er...

I think it's just a bit of heartburn, actually.

Er, y-your coffee?

Oh, aye.

Better not, I might shit myself.

Why did I say that?!

Bye!

Morning, sunshine.

And you said the Scots could handle their drink.

The going in is fine, it's the coming back out that's the problem.

He's not supposed to be here. He's front of house.

Declan's right - you're not supposed to be here. You're front of house.

I got a meeting with Shane about the big fundraiser day.

He needs my measurements for a costume.

Feet off my desk.

How are you so chipper? You were steaming when I left you last night.

I took a shower, ran off the booze, came back and...

..guess what I found on my laptop.

Deportation papers?

No, no, no, it wasn't that. It was an email...

- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - ..from my favourite Scottish lassie.

- Did you read it? - Only the title. Haven't had time.

I've been saving it for later. Looks fascinating.

- Hey, Pheebs. - Hi.

Please delete it.

I don't know.

You know, you once told me it's rude to take back gifts.

But this wasn't a gift, this was a mistake.

Mm. I'll delete it if you give me something.

Oh, I'll give you me not punching you in the windpipe.

How about that, big American boy?

Always tempting me with a good time, Scotland.

Please delete it.

I'll think about it.

Ready for me?

I was born ready.

Oh!

TOUCHPAD KEYS TAP

BUZZER

NINA SIGHS

Have you tried the Battle of Hastings?

I've narrowed the numbers down to 1, 3, 7 and 9,

based off of fingerprint grease, but I don't know in which order.

1973 - the end of the US involvement in the Vietnam War.

1793 - the French declare war against Great Britain.

1739 - the War of Jenkins' Ear.

- I... - 1397...

I can't think of a war.

Declan, I don't think it's going to be a war.

But thank you.

I mean, some great ideas for the fundraiser.

- KEYPAD TAPS AND BUZZER - I love your big American energy.

- Thanks, Shane. - I'll see you soon.

Where are you going?

- I'm going to go read my emails. - No...

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

WHISPERING: What do you want?

"Want"?

What do you want to delete the email?

Yeah, I'm feeling homesick.

Aw. Shall I run to the break room and fetch you my teabags

so you can run down to the River Kelvin

and chuck them in, in protest?

Nah, no, that won't do. I'm thinking...

- Sing it to me. - No. Mm-mm.

Look, you said - and I quote...

- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - .."It's my favourite national anthem"

Ugh... I do not sound like that!

Totally do.

And, yes, it is my favourite national anthem.

So sing it to me! Just this...

OK... Look, just give me a couple of bars

and I'll delete the email, I promise.

Grr... Fine!

Whoa!

Stand there and don't make eye contact with me.

Yes, ma'am.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Oh, say can you see...

SIRENS WAIL

By the dawn's early light

TRAIN RUMBLES, HORN HONKS

What so proudly we hailed... PNEUMATIC DRILL CLATTERS

And the home of the brave?

- Yes! Come on! - Shh!

Delete. The. Email. Now.

PHONE BEEPS

As you wish.

Thank you.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Not much point, though.

Got it all up here. An eidetic memory.

"Tina breathed heavily as the Right Honourable McLachlan

- "then slid his hand up..." - You bastard!

- You read it already, you dirty bastard! - Muy caliente.

How? You said you didn't have time.

I lied. Plus I'm a fast reader and I micro nap.

- You know this about me. - Ugh...

Is the smarmy gent from Borneo supposed to be me?

No! It's David Boreanaz, obviously.

You can tell by the description of his zygomatic.

- From Buffy? - No, from Bones! Eh!

Go away!

We're going the same way!

SHE HISSES

Bye, Declan.

1379 - the Byzantine Civil War ended.

KEYPAD TAPS AND BUZZES

Great. Thank you, Declan.

Well...this is hopeless.

I'm going to... I'm going to have to tell Lee.

When you find his password, will you tell me the significance?

Yeah, Declan - top of the list.

Not going to be able to think of anything else.

Fudge bucket! I forgot my bits.

Thank God you're here - someone stole my tablet!

Do you think it's those pesky, drug-taking palaeontologists?

I made them up.

It was me that took it.

Yeah, no, I guessed that.

You know, since it went missing

around the time that you were making bird noises to Declan.

You, er...want to tell me what's going on?

Last night, when I was drunk, I sent you a really embarrassing email.

Can you delete it, please?

Sure.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

I don't want to embarrass you.

What's the significance of 1793?

Corner numbers.

And...gone!

TABLET BEEPS

SHE SIGHS

Was it nudes?

So much worse.

HE CHUCKLES

Will you tell me one day?

I will. But...definitely not today.

Feeling better?

Thank you.

What are you doing this weekend?

Oh, you know, the usual - wash my hair,

watch videos on meal-prepping, while ordering takeaway.

You know, packed schedule.

Oh.

No, er...why? Um...what's-what's...? What are you doing this weekend?

My dad wanted to do that Tough Man competition in the park

but he found out it was a 200 entry fee,

so he's built his own Tough Man race in the garden.

We're all going to go and eat mince and tatties and watch him fall over.

Um, just the family.

I... Would you like to come? I mean...

..I would like you to come.

And, um...no work friends or...?

Mm-mm. Absolutely no work friends.

Er, I'd love to. Yeah, I'll be...I'll be there.

OK. Cool.

Do you want the coffee now?

Ooh, best not. Just a tea please. In case...

In case you... Yeah.

Welcome to the inaugural Annual Tough Daddy Run!

HE STRAINS

- Don't say "Tough Daddy". - Hard Daddy?

Eurgh! Just stop saying "Daddy" altogether!

Your generation ruin everything.

200 quid for an obstacle course?!

I said to the fella on the phone, I said,

"Ha, you must think I was born yesterday.

"I'll-I'll build my own Tough Run for that amount of money."

He laughed, Nina.

Well, who's laughing now?

So that cost less than 200 quid?

No, but that catsuit cost him 150 quid alone,

and he's wearing it back to front!

Ah, a tough man builds his own challenges, Nina!

He doesn't need some Oxbridge bed-wetter with a degree in jogging

to bleed him dry.

All right, Vomster, recovered from your bender last weekend?

- You had a bender? - Evie made me.

Evie! You know your sister gets overstimulated!

I think you'll find she was the one doing the stimulating!

Shut up!

Who were you stimulating, Nina?

Oh, and now stimulating has been added to the banned-word list!

Nina sent her erotic fiction to the Coffee Man and the American.

- Evie! - Romancing The Bone? Oh, it's brilliant.

You should get a publisher for that, Bean!

You could be a millionaire, like the 50 Shades woman!

Which one...

..of you treacherous bastards...

sent Romancing The Bone to my dad?

I sent it to your dad.

- Bo sent it to me. - Bo!

I like the story where the olden days version of Nina

shags the Right Honourable politician in front of a mirror.

Yes, so the politician was based on the weird guy

that lived across the road when she was 25!

Garth, who worked for Greenpeace?

Yeah, he was very flattered, Nina.

Ew!

So? What do they think?

Who?

The Coffee Man and the American. What was the feedback?

SHE BREATHES RAPIDLY

Clayton made me sing the Star-Spangled Banner

to get him to delete it,

but it didn't matter because he'd read it already!

And Lee deleted it without reading it because he knew I was upset.

Excuse me one second.

MUFFLED SCREAM

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT Thank you.

Point is, I shouldn't have sent it.

It was very silly of me.

Which is code for "off her tits".

Well...there's your answer.

Lee passed the test - he put your feelings first.

- It wasn't a test, Mum. - It was an experiment. - Thank you.

An experiment which Lee is the winner of,

so he's coming for dinner tonight.

So Lee's the sugar merchant and Clay's the falconer?

No. No, no, no. Clay is the

- enemies-to-lovers story in Borneo. - Oh!

No. No. No. No.

Nobody's Lee. Nobody's Clay.

Nobody's anything.

It's all just fictitious. I just...

A fantasy that I created!

Fantasies with parallels.

Listen, Lee is the one person in the whole of Scotland

who apparently hasn't read my creative writing.

- ALL: - Smut! - SHUT UP!

DOORBELL

Oh...

He's the one person who I would like not to read it yet.

So, for the love of everything that is holy,

will you please, please...

..be chill?

We will be chill if you admit that Lee is the sugar merchant.

NINA GROWLS

It's not a no.

THEY CHEER

Shush!

INSECT BUZZES

- Hi. - Hi.

Hello.

Er, Amber messaged me,

asked me to bring them.

Oh, I'd block her number now, or you will be on the receiving end

of some very questionable podcast clips.

Oh, it's too late for that.

I'm already knee-deep into the lore of Club Shay Shay.

- EVIE: - Act natural.

Hi.

- Hello. - Hi. - What's happening?

So, er...

..what made you want to do the Tough Man race in the first place, Ade?

See, when I was wee, I thought my Granda was ancient.

But he was actually the same age I am right now.

He-he couldn't move, he was... he was always in his bed.

Like the Granda in Willy Wonka?

Aye! But naw.

See, the Granda from Willy Wonka was just...lazy.

The cunt sprang right up at the prospect of a free factory tour.

I just don't want to be that kind of granda.

But you won't - you hate a factory tour, Dad.

All right, guys, if we want to get to 250 laps before dark,

we need to start pronto, Ade.

CONTENDER, READY?

THEY WHOOP

GLADIATORS, READY?

THEY CHEER

Ade, you'll go on my first whistle!

HE WHISTLES

- Go! - That was it.

Yay!

THEY CHEER

Yay!

Knees up!

Go on, Dad!

- ALL: - Oh!

Yes!

THEY CHEER

I'm really glad you came.

Yes! What a man!

THUNDER RUMBLES

HE WHEEZES

Ade?

How many more, Nesh?

Just one more round, Ade-mondo. Just one more round.

- No, no, no. No... - Yeah, yeah...

Come on!

HE STRAINS

- There we go. - Ugh...

Yes, that's it.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not a Tough Man, Nesh.

Hey! Hey! You're the toughest bloody bastard I know, Ade.

You can do this. Just like we practised.

You can do it. Deep breaths. You can do it.

ADE PUFFS

Yeah...

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

THAT'S it! Come on!

Feel that energy.

There we go!

Over here, Ade! Just here, just here.

There we go. Steady...

Mask on first, Ade.

Rules are rules.

- LEE: - You can do it, Mr MacArthur! - Come on, Dad!

Close enough. Skipping rope.

Knees up! Knees up!

You're only eight hours behind schedule.

- Incredible! Here we go. - BO: - Come on!

- Yes, Dad! - Perfect!

Golden ring!

- On the dolphin! - What dolphin?

- On the dolphin, Ade! - What dolphin, Nesh?!

On the dolphin, Ade! On the dolphin, Ade!

Yes, come on!

THEY CHEER

Almost at that bloody finish line!

Here we go!

You're there! You're there, Ade! You're there!

THEY LAUGH

THEY CHEER

YOU'RE A SUPERGRAN-DADDY!

- Ohhh! Oh, my back! - Eh? - Son of a bitch, my back...

Oh! Oh, that is... that is bad luck.

I love your family.

Do you know who I love? That Dave Chapelle Roan.

I'm dancing at the pink horsey club, whoo!

I'm dancing at the pink horsey club.

Those are two separate people.

Dave Chapelle and Chapell Roan.

It's not quite right, Mum.

Let your mother have her fun. She's young, she's hip -

she knows all the Brat Summers and the bisexuals.

- Thank you, my virile young husband. - Aw.

So, um, Bo, are...

..are you feeling prepared for, um...the baby?

Well, I was worried I wouldn't cope.

But these three made me realise maybe I am cut out for this,

cos there can be nothing harder than wrangling this pissed-up trio.

THEY CHUCKLE

It was very impressive.

They all kept trying to jump out the car,

but Bo kept his cool, got us all home safe.

Impressive indeed.

If it wasn't for the kebab sauce smeared on the windows

and this one sending dirty emails to you and the American,

it would've been a clean sheet.

Oh, yeah, fuck!

I... Um...

Oh, the tatties are massive, ain't they?

Oh, do you want a pickle?

HE SPLUTTERS

Oh, shit...

- MOUTH FULL: - Oh, my God, this is so good. But...

HE COUGHS

I'm, um...I just realised I've got...I've got something on.

I've got to go, I've got this thing on that...

This-this has been, um...delicious, and, well...well done again but...

So much fun. Thank you so much for having me, but, um...bye!

Bo, what is wrong with you?

THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

Honestly just the w...

I just...forgot my coat.

- Oh! - I'm sorry, sorry.

CHAIR CLATTERS

SHE SNIFFLES

Don't talk to me.

- Agh! - EVIE: - Idiot!

SHE SNIFFS AND BREATHES SHAKILY

Lee...

Lee?

Hello.

Hi.

I know you're avoiding me, so I-I drank office coffee

in respect of your avoidance, but I just wanted to...

I read it.

Oh...

I thought you deleted it?

I did, but it was in the deleted folder,

and I assume he's read it, so...

I just misinterpreted something Evie said when I was drunk,

and-and-and it was an experiment

and I was trying to work something out.

By sending screeds of porn to me and your work friend?

It wasn't porn.

And-and you said I was just your friend,

- so I don't see what the problem is. - You know there's a difference.

No, I don't know there's a difference.

You said you wanted to meet me in Knutsford, so I came to Knutsford

and then you didn't show up.

And then you told Claudette that I was just your friend.

And then you get all jealous of Clay when...

..we're not anything. We've been on one date.

I don't even know if you actually like me.

So you're keeping your options open? Is-is that was this is?

Sending me weird...

Don't call me weird.

I'm not calling you weird. I'm saying what you DID was weird.

Nina, you sent two men a 160,000-word PDF of Victorian smut -

it's hardly normal.

- Well, I'm sorry I'm not normal. - Oh, great. - Sorry I'm not perfect.

I made a mistake and don't act like being sent my creative writing

is something special. Half my family have read it.

Oh, oh! Oh, that's...that's great, Nina!

That makes me... That makes me feel much better.

So, what, they were all just laughing at me the other night?

Nobody was laughing at you.

You know, I could have other options too.

Just because you're so cool with your degree...

- Degrees. - Degrees!

And your...funny one-lines

and your-your-your interesting takes on...

..life...

It's too difficult.

Difficult? This is difficult?

Nothing in this world is easy for me or my brain.

But at least I try.

I put myself out there and, yeah, I did something that was a bit bold,

but at least I don't just stand still, waiting for life to happen!

I make life happen, and that's difficult!

I wasn't standing still, I was waiting for you.

I-I'm not some bone you can stick in the earth

and dig up whenever you feel like it!

- CLAY, APPROACHING: - I know, that's what I said! I know!

CLAY LAUGHS

- All right. Talk to you soon, Mom. Love you. - Great.

Perfect timing.

I don't bury bones to dig them up later.

That would be stupid.

And there we have it - you think I'm stupid.

I just draw conclusions from the evidence which I'm presented.

Yeah. So do I, Nina.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Clayton. Did you have fun in Borneo?

Why don't you go have fun with your other option?

Nina...you OK?

I don't like when people call me weird.

Yeah, I know.

I don't know why I did what I did.

Look, you know what? I-I don't care why.

And I'm glad you did. And I'm...

I'm sorry.

You know, I should've deleted it when I saw it was private but...

..once I started reading, I couldn't stop.

It's very good, Nina.

Scotland. You call me Scotland.

Hey, cheer up.

Come on, tomorrow's a brand-new day and...

..it's the big fundraiser, and we can dress up

- and be whoever we want to be, huh? - Ha.

Can I be somebody who doesn't send weird emails?

I missed you this last week, while you were avoiding me.

I wasn't avoiding you.

Oh, you're such a bad liar!

- No, I'm not! - Yeah, you are!

Oh, my gosh, did I tell you, the other day,

I saw Harrison Ford rollerblading through the park with two huskies?

- Seriously? - No.

- But that's how you tell a lie. - Oh! - Ha!

It's a dark day

But those days need seeing to

No misbelief

Listen through

Honestly now

Would you look after me

Keep under lock and key?

Would you

Follow the sound of my tears streaming down?

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