Original subtitles

I waited for you at Knutsford. I thought you changed your mind.

Evie thought maybe you not showing up had something to do with Clayton.

He's just your work friend, though, yeah?

Like Declan, but big and American.

There she is! The prodigal daughter returns.

Been terribly quiet around here without you two causing trouble.

- Hey, Scotland. - Clayton, what are you doing here?

- He's chasing you. - Oh, I'm glad you came home, kid.

- Bo has a secret. - Hello?

NINA GASPS

Amber's pregnant!

I'm carrying the MacArthur heir.

Hey! Hello, friends.

- ALL: Hey! - What are you doing here?

- Oh, Nina invited me. - No, I didn't.

Smile! Come on, cosy up, you three.

Let's start again, Lee.

You fancy a beverage?

S'appening, Lee?! No...

Oh, fuck it!

LEE HUMS CHEERFULLY

S'appening, Lee?!

Oh, not much. You know, just, uh...

..doing my thaaaaang. Thang...

- Usual? - GRUFF VOICE: Biscotti, I'd like.

- Oh, sorry. No, no, you go first. - No...

No, I was going to do a Yoda voice, and I regret it now.

LEE CHUCKLES

Um, I was...

I was just wondering if maybe we could, um, have a chat about...

- All right, Barista Lee? - Hi, Claudette.

Nina! So are you back from your dig?

Well, I wouldn't be standing here if I wasn't back.

There's a chance that I might be going to Egypt next year.

They found a new concubine's tomb.

Oh, yay! More graverobbing for the Antiquities department.

CLAUDETTE LAUGHS

Oh, can I have a soy latte with a shot of vanilla?

I can speak to you later.

Oh, um... Sorry. ..what are you doing on Sunday?

Um... It is... Oh, it's Amber's baby drenching.

It's like a baby shower, but wetter. Why?

Uh, there's this, um...

..open mic night thing, and, um...

Ugh! ..I was thinking of doing a performance of something

I've written. Do you think you could come?

I'm really bad at doing two big things in one day,

but I really want to come.

- I can try. - I'd appreciate it.

I'm kind of shitting myself!

- THEY LAUGH - No, but I am shitting myself.

Wait, is Dr MacArthur the woman that you were meeting in Knutsford?

Yeah.

Quite the dark horse, aren't you, Nina?

I swear, the closest the paleo department gets to gossip

is the rumour that your boss cries in the toilet.

- That's not a rumour. That's true. - Oh. So what's the tea, then?

Is it serious? Must be if you're going on a dirty weekend...

Oh, just...not dirty. I didn't say dirty.

Friends. Just...just friends.

There's no tea because it's a coffee van!

- Oh, yeah. Right. - Yeah.

I have to go to work. Bye, friend.

Bye, um...

See you around, Nina.

Hey, Scotland.

Why so grim?

I had to talk to somebody in Antiquities today.

- Oh. Graverobbers. - Ugh!

So what have you got planned later this week, Scotland?

I am having dinner with my sister and her husband.

That is information and not an invitation.

And then on Sunday, I've got a baby drenching.

Oh, yeah. Like a shower, but wetter, right?

Your friend Amber sent me an email informing me that I'm not invited,

but that she would appreciate a gift

for ruining her pregnancy announcement.

Amber's a chancer.

You don't actually have to send her anything.

Too late. I ordered a self-rocking chair.

Not everyone has to like you.

- I like when everyone likes me. - Hmm.

- You don't care a bit, do you? - About whether people like me or not?

NINA GIGGLES

- No! - Well, I like you, Dr MacArthur.

A bit of foliage stuck in your mane.

- WHISPERS TO HERSELF: - Fuck...

- So then Lee said that we need to chat. - Ohh...

- Why is that bad? - In Love Island,

when a man tells a woman that he needs to chat to her,

that means that something bad's about to happen.

Well, Love Island isn't exactly a model

for healthy romantic relationships...

Where's your pasta from, Ranesh?

From a recipe book by the Pope.

Do you think he wants to talk to me about Amber's pregnancy?

No, I think he probably wants to talk to you about Clay showing up.

Why?

Because that big, hunky American is hovering around you

like a fly around shite,

- and then he turns up to a family event. - Yeah,

but he's just my colleague, and I didn't invite him.

None of that matters because then Claudette from Antiquities...

- Boooo! - Mm. ..she asked

what was going on between me and Lee, and he said, "We're friends."

I thought we were more,

but I'm really bad at reading situations, so...

So how did he say friends? Was it like friends...

- Or... - CHEERFULLY: - ..friends!

- Or... - KNOWINGLY: - ..friends?

the same word over and over again?

Well, it's not like you're short of options.

How IS Clay?

Clayton's fine.

He stopped by my desk today, and he told me he liked me,

then he picked a leaf from my hair.

And you've been walking about with that wee leaf in your pocket?

- Evie, it's a cracking leaf. - How did he say he liked you?

- Was it "like" or "like?" - I'm not doing this again, Ranesh.

I think he wants to boof you back to the Jurassic era.

I don't want to be boofed back to any era.

Though that is a good plot for one of my creative writings.

Smut, you mean!

Men don't pick foliage out of women's hair

unless they want to boof them.

- I don't think that's true. - Nina's in a love triangle!

OK, so what you need to do is put out some feelers,

see if Clay tries to touch other parts of you

and find out what Lee meant when he said what he said.

You're just listing things I cannot do.

You can do anything. The only way forward is through.

NINA SIGHS

Fine.

I'll speak to him tomorrow at work. How hard can it be?

- I mean, I like pizza. - Me too!

- I love Italy, it's amazing for artefacts. - I've never been.

- You've never been to Pompeii? - No, no. - You should go.

- Hi... - Come on, Nina!

We're going to see the Diatoms.

I don't know what that is.

- It's a kind of algae... - Come on, let's go.

It's a what?

Not this again!

Steven! Put down the biscotti!

I'm the biscuit king of the world!

Argh! Nina! Run!

- Aaargh! - I tried...

Hello?

- Where's Mummy-to-be, then? - My babies!

- Ooh, when did you start drinking? - There she is.

Mwah! Ha-ha-ha.

- Mmm... - Oh, Mum, you smell like a Bunsen burner.

Your Auntie Janey brought vodka back from Prague.

- Course she did. - Oh, wee yins! Come and give me a cuddle.

Stop it!

- No! - Ah...

Oh, look! Auntie Evie and Auntie Nina are here for my special day.

I brought you this for your unborn child.

- Oh! - It's not to scale. - But it's a lovely dragon.

- It's a dinosaur. - Ta-dah!

- Just as you asked. - That is beautiful.

Let's hope Daddy Bo can bake. Wow! You made that?

I made it this morning.

- I need to get something from the shed. - Ranesh!

Are you ready to get your lasagne on, son?

Am I ever!

Oh, no, Evie. You've been boofing a short Indian English version of Dad.

- No, I haven't. - Yeah, you have.

- They're nothing alike. - They're the exact same person.

- AMBER: - Excuse me!

Yeah, it's time for Pin The Fallopian Tube On The Uterus.

Now, the female reproductive system is quite hard to navigate,

so I'm going to need you all to just really concentrate...on me.

No, Nina. I need you to hand out the tubes.

WHISPERS: I don't want to do that.

Um... Auntie Janey will help.

She is well versed in handling small cylinders.

THEY CACKLE

- She is! - Come on, then. What?

Scared you don't know where it is?

Um...

CLATTERING

What you looking for, Bo?

BO STARTLES

There's a wee bear I liked when I was a baby.

Well, if it spent any time in this shed,

it should definitely be condemned.

- Come back inside. - No, I've got a list of stuff

I need to get done, Nina.

I don't have time for pretending that peanut butter is shite

with a bunch of gushy women.

- Well, you have had months, Bo. - Well, I've left it to the last minute.

Classic Bo. Don't start, all right?

What's left on your list? Maybe I can help finish it.

I've got to find a baby seat.

I've got to learn how to install a baby seat.

I've got to put foam on all sharp corners.

I've got to read all the books. I've got to whittle a bassinet out of wood.

And finding that fucking bear is on that list, too.

So unless you know where Mr Timmy Willy is...

BO SIGHS HEAVILY

Do you know how hard it is to babyproof two separate flats?

No.

But I've never got my sister's best friend pregnant, so...

Meh.

That's very funny.

Memories are being made in there.

Probably really traumatic memories, but memories nonetheless.

So stop haunting the shed like a weird...shed ghoul.

I like the shed.

My head goes quiet in here.

- I'll help you find Mr Timmy Willy. - No, no...

No, I want to do it myself. I want to feel...useful.

Come on, I need your help. I'm bad with the squishy stuff.

Better with the hard stuff, you know, like skellingtons.

- Skeletons. - I've heard it both ways.

Just...fuck off now, Shagrid.

That's Dr Shagrid to you.

23 hours in, the doctor,

big fella from Australia,

reached up inside me with these salad tongs

and dragged our Ashley out.

Three weeks overdue.

I can still hear the ripping.

NINA GAGS

38 stitches.

- Blood everywhere. - More wine, anyone?

- Now, with Nina, the epidural only took on one side... - One side.

..and they've all got massive heids, especially Nina's.

ALL LAUGH

Look at the size of it.

You're not going to have an easy time, darling.

- Maybe a wee game of Uno? - Do you remember when you had Evie

and I was sick in the placenta bucket?

- Ohhh! - No!

The nurse said in all her years of nursing,

she'd never, ever seen a placenta that big.

- You can eat your placenta. - You can fry it.

Are you not having fun at your baby drenching?

I liked it when everyone was rubbing my belly.

I felt like one of those statues in Edinburgh.

But if I hear about another ripped fanny, I'm going to pass out.

I don't say this very often, Amber,

because it's not true very often, but...

- ..I agree with you. - I need to get out of here.

- What's going on? - Amber's been traumatised

by the horrors of childbirth. She wants to leave.

Oh, thank God! Where are we going?

Well...

..Lee is playing an open mic night, and he asked me to go.

And I didn't get to speak to him all week,

so I thought this would be a good opportunity to, like, talk to him.

But, um... I mean, I want to go, but...

Oh, my God! I love an open mic night.

Mediocre white men singing badly in public is one of my kinks.

I just love that switch from delusional confidence to defeat.

That's why I've slept with so many stand-up comedians.

- Oh, please, let's go! - Absolutely fascinating stuff.

The birthing canal truly is the iris of all life.

- Ick! - We're going to an open mic night and you are coming.

Well, that is a very kind offer, my gingersnap,

but I've got to get back in there.

The ladies are going to take turns showing their swaddles,

- and I'm the baby. - Ugh...

- Do you need spends? - No! Stop being my dad

and come and watch Nina's friend sing badly with us!

I don't know how badly he sings, if that was a selling point.

Well, it does actually sound like my kind of evening.

Mum, Dad, we're all going out.

- Good for you, hen! - Do you need spends?

- Bye! - Bye, Mum and Dad.

Bye!

See ya.

Where yous off to?

Auntie Janey started talking about her ripped fanny, so...

Have you seen the size of your sister's head?

We're going to go to an open mic night. Come!

- I can't, I've got my... - Still not finished your list?

Bo, we'll miss you.

Oh, my God, it's like Stars In Their Eyes.

- But for nerds. - I think it'll pick up in a bit.

No, I love it! It's perfect.

- Thank you, Nina. - We'll get drinks.

- Hey, you came! - I did.

Cos we're friends, and friends turn up for each other.

- Yeah. - I know I said I would try, but...

AS YODA: ..do or do not. There is no try.

Ho-ho! I love your Yoda.

I love your, um...your coffee.

It's pretty good. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, now that I'm here, I'm...

I'm starting to regret signing up

and, um, inviting half of the museum.

- Hi! - Hi! Hi, hi!

Why, why, why did I invite them? Why am I doing this?

You don't have to do this if you don't want.

You don't think I should? Because...because if I'm bad...

Look, I'm here to support you, but I'm autistic.

If you tell me you're shite, then I'm going to say, "Don't do this."

- Aye, maybe I'm shite... - I don't know if you're good or you're bad.

- Maybe I'm the wrong person to ask. - No, no, no.

- I think you might be the best person to ask... - Hey!

- Hi, Clayton. - His name is Lee

He's going to sing for me!

And he can sing! Ha-ha!

- You should be up there, not me! - Ah, come on.

Hey, good luck.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I'm going to...

I'm going to set up!

Oh! I'm fine...

- Hey, you OK? - What are you doing here?

There was a poster up in the staffroom.

I couldn't pass up my chance at a first hand observation

of the notorious Glasgow nightlife.

Calm down, Jade Goodall.

Ooh! It's Jane Goodall, but otherwise,

that was a great joke, Amber.

Oh, Amber, did you get the gift I sent?

Yes, it was very generous.

You can expect a signed photo of the baby in the post

as a thanks in the near future.

- Who's signing the photo? MC: - Welcome to the open mic night

here at The Third Place.

Let's get our first act up onstage.

It's Tam the Tambourine man.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whoo! Let's go, Tam!

Hi, everybody.

I'm Tambourine Tam.

- TUNELESSLY: - Everybody cheers when I jingle down the street

I'm Tambourine Tam...

You know how in, like, The X Factor and Pop Idol

there's always those early episodes with

the delusional people who think they're really good,

- but they're not? - Yeah, it's like the best part.

No, it's the worst part. It's the worst part. It makes me feel physically sick.

It makes me feel like my skin is falling off, my bones are itching.

It's like all the embarrassment and humiliation

they should be feeling but aren't feeling, I'm feeling it instead.

And then they want feedback.

They want feedback, but they don't want honesty.

And I can't lie. This was a terrible idea.

I'm going to drink.

Hello. Could I have something that is very alcoholic

but doesn't taste of alcohol and is easy to drink, please?

- Don't you know who I am...? - Thank you.

- It tastes of blue. Can I have another one, please? - Sure.

- MC: - Are we saying, "Bye, Mr Tambourine Man?"

What's happening?

Well, in summary, Lee's going to sing a song

and Clayton showed up unexpectedly and I can't cope.

So I ran away and I forgot that I hate talent shows

and I feel very uncomfortable

so now I am drinking blue alcohol.

Well, if you can't get drunk in the world's most gawky love triangle,

- then where can you? Shots, please. - Coming up.

It's not a love triangle.

It is a mild feelings triangle at most.

I just think this could be an opportunity to stretch.

You keep saying you want this big life,

you want to do things that scare you.

Well, life just got a whole lot bigger.

Look at you. You were the girl that didn't do relationships.

You don't even flirt.

Now you've got this abundance of opportunity

to do something different.

It's like you're in one of your smutty stories.

Tonight is your Love Island.

Go and talk to everyone.

Find out if they're your type on paper. But have fun.

Do you know what? Fuck it!

Urgh!

- Girls' night! - Girls' night. - Girls' night!

Singing hey-ho, what do you know?

It don't matter where I go

Ain't no direction, right or wrong

I keep singing my travelling song.

CHEERING

Try to when I'm done hoping for...

- Hello. - Hi, all right?

I know Tambourine Tam has set the bar very high,

but I think you're going to do great.

Thank you, Nina.

- Um...did you invite Clayton? - No! - No?

No, he saw your poster in the... In the common room.

- Oh. - Ooh, good luck! - Great, great.

He doesn't have many friends in Glasgow.

Oh. So he's just following you around?

I think he may have imprinted on me.

Let's give it up for Zoe!

I have... I have all these words that I want to say to you

but every time I try, it's like, wargh,

- they all just get stuck in my mouth. - Yes, yes!

Yes, I'm the same. I'm...

The other day with Claudette when I said we were friends...

..Lee from Leslie on the keys!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah...

CHEERS CONTINUE

- AUDIENCE MEMBERS: - Come on! - Mon yourself!

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

HE COUGHS

Sorry. Um...

Er, I...

I wrote this, I guess.

You know, sometimes in life you've got to take a chance

You got to get on the floor

Even if you can't dance

Cos it doesn't matter what you do

As long as what you do is true

It doesn't matter what you say

As long as you do it your way

- CONFIDENTLY: - It doesn't matter what you do

As long as what you do is true

It doesn't matter what you say

As long as you do it your way...

Sing out, Coffee Man!

It doesn't matter what you do

As long as what you do is true

It doesn't matter what you say

As long as you do it your way

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

THEY WHOOP ENTHUSIASTICALLY

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

FUNNY VOICE: Hello!

- FUNNY VOICE: - Hello.

How do you feel?

Like I did it.

But I don't think I'm going to quit the day job quite yet.

- I have to say, I'm relieved. - Oh?

Mm. I saw you up there, and I thought, "Oh, no!

"He's going to become a pop star.

"And then who's going to keep me caffeinated?"

LEE LAUGHS

Right. Uh...

..I'm going to get my laptop to the van

- because if I leave it in here, someone will steal it. - Mm.

- Bring it here, big man. - Oh!

I'm so proud of you.

- Well done. - Thank you. - Ever so good.

- Amazing. - You're like a young Midge Ure.

OK!

Tequila slammers!

- MC: - Thank you so much for coming. Here's the last song of the evening.

Psst! I'm having the best time, Nina. Thank you for this.

- SLURRING: - You know...? You know what it reminds me of?

You know what it looks like?

It looks like the bioluminescent jellyfish

known as Pelagia noctiluca.

- Oh, you're so smart. - Genius.

Are we friends?

Yeah. Yeah, Scotland, we're best of friends.

- Lee's my friend. He's my friend. - I am.

Just a big cornucopia of friends.

Friend triangle.

An acute triangle.

THEY LAUGH

Do you get it?

It's a maths joke! Because...

It's Py-slag-goras.

NINA LAUGHS AND SNORTS

Amber made a maths joke!

SHRIEKS: Girls' night!

QUIETER: Ooh, I need to calm down.

- And we are messy, and maybe I need to go home... - No!

- Right. - Right. - Pop that button.

Get the puppies out.

Let's find out who wants to be more than friends.

- Who does? - I want to know. - Evie, I have a question.

- Tell me. - How do I put my puppies out when I'm wearing a vest?

Girls' night!

I'm going to work from home tomorrow.

I think you should do that as well.

No, I'm going in tomorrow, I'll be fine.

- You're not singing a song too, are you? - You think I should?

No.

One of the guys over there couldn't tune it properly, so...

- ..I stepped up. - Oh, my God.

Men are literally singing for your affection.

12-year-old Nina would fucking love this!

Nobody is singing for my affection.

Well, you all look great.

Hi, Bo! What's in your box?

I carried a lasagne.

I had to pay the bouncer 20 to let me bring this in, Amber.

Thank God. We're starving!

This one's for you, Scotland.

NINA RETCHES

I'm going to vomit. I'm going to vomit...

Move! Move!

Toilet.

Go on, then.

NINA VOMITS

Come on, love. Get it all out.

Urrrgh... It's so blue.

I can... I can handle her.

WE can handle her.

I have a name.

SHE VOMITS

I know you're scared.

I'm scared too.

Have you seen the size of your sister's head?

It's like the Epcot Ball at Disney World.

We can talk about your worries if you want.

Oh, my God...

He's kicking!

Fuck off!

- No way. - He's doing the Dirty Dancing lift like his mummy.

- That's him? - That's him.

NINA RETCHES QUIETLY

- Our baby? - Yeah.

Nobody puts Baby in a corner. Hmm?

VIOLENT VOMITING

This is like a fucking exorcism.

- Give me some shoulder. - Where's the American?

He's over there.

No, because what you need to understand is that

Jar Jar Binks is really the best character.

Don't worry. I'll make sure he gets home safe.

Bye, friend.

Thank you for sharing your creativity.

It was great.

Bye, Nina. Thanks for coming.

OK. Come on, then, you lush.

I need to... No, let go!

I need to send... I need to send an email.

Should she be sending work emails when she's pished?

Uh, yeah, yeah. She's probably just, like, sending stuff to herself.

Whoa! The world just tilted.

Right, come on. Off we go.

- Lasagne lady. - Come on, come on.

All right. Get your paperwork done?

Wait, no, no, no, no.

I'm just putting out my feelers, Bo.

EMAIL SENT ALERT

Like a beautiful

bioluminescent jelly-bish.

OK. Come on, then.

- One more drink! - No, no, no.

- Awww! - No, no, enough's enough. - I want to go home now.

- Off we go. - No, I don't. Let's go out!

Bye, Lee!

CLAYTON CONTINUES TO RANT

PHONE ALARM RINGS

Ohhh, where am I?

Shut up, phone!

ALARM STOPS, PHONE UNLOCKS

What have I done?!

What did you do?!

I've done something terrible.

You're in denial but what does that mean?

Oh, baby, I'm so over everything

It's Saturday night

And you're here again

This time you're here with your friends

You say the same things over and over

Oh, why can't you make up your mind?

You say the same shit

Every time...

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0