Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

- CHANTING: - Isle of fucking Wight! - Brace yourself.

I've got some exciting news, I'd like for you to stay on.

- How long are we talking? - Six months? Maybe a year?

Who's this handsome big man, Nina? Is this a new friend?

- This is my colleague, Clayton. - American scientist, bro.

Let me touch your favourite pen last week.

I realised that if I don't do what I really want, then that's failing.

What do you really want?

I want to come home. I can still make it to Knutsford by five.

The race is on.

Maybe one day I'll drive her up to Glass-cow.

- It's Glasgow. - Heard it both ways.

Where is he? Should be here by now.

Uh, maybe it's because you sent him

a picture of you and your work husband all cosied up.

I'm fine.

- Has she heard from him? - I don't know.

- She hasn't said. - Maybe he got on the wrong train.

What if he's in Newport? We need to send help.

Maybe he just changed his mind... Hi! Nina's up!

Nin-dog's home. Sorry I missed you last night, Nina.

I'd already taken my magnesium. Lights out.

- I still don't do hugs. - Right.

Stop looking at me. I'm fine.

Fine as hell.

- Yep. - So, has he called, texted, sent an owl?

There's more mugs than there used to be.

Oh, I brought a few key pieces of crockery when I moved in.

Maybe it had nothing to do with the text.

OK? I was thinking about it, and maybe he didn't mind the gap.

Just fell right between the train and the platform.

He is very slender.

Is that an air fryer?

Dehydrator. I've be making my own fruit leathers.

- Would you like some? - To wear? - To eat.

- Oh! - Maybe he got initiated by a gang.

No, he couldn't be in a gang. He can't snap his fingers properly.

Who can't snap their fingers properly?

- Why are you here? - Hospitable as ever, Lurch.

Good to have you home.

Find any dead bodies while you were digging up that island?

Why, is that where you hide them, Bo?

- SARCASTIC: - Hee-hee-hee.

I thought you quit vaping after that Oliver North documentary.

It was Jordan North, and I did quit. And then I got stressed again.

- And why are you eating my cereal? - No vaping in the kitchen.

- He has been here every morning for months. - No, I haven't.

He only ever hangs about with us when he's in crisis.

Maybe Hilda's coven's squatting at his flat.

- God knows, but he's been so weird. - No, I haven't.

There's no shame in asking for help, my brother.

- I don't need help. - He tried to grow out his moustache.

- He looked like a Pringles can. - Well, that's because he's a tube.

- And the weird play dates with Ranesh. - Play is important.

Maybe he's in trouble at work.

Stop using me to distract Gronk.

And the jogging.

You've been running in public, Bo?

Bo usually doesn't run in public. He's got a really weird gait.

- Hm. He runs like a silent movie villain. - Mm-hm.

On his tippy toes, like this.

And he goes...

BREATHY WHINE

- No, I don't. - You do. - I'm going to work.

If you even still have a job.

Good to have you back, Nina.

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

DUCK QUACKS

- Happy to be back? - Very much so.

Everything's back to normal.

Between you being away on the island

and Amber working on the big gay boyband cruise,

I've been so lonely.

Isn't that why you got married?

Where are you going?

I go this way now.

But I'll meet you for lunch, yeah?

Oh, and please come to your welcome home dinner.

- Mum and Dad are dead excited. - I don't want to.

Well, you don't have to eat. Let's play it by ear.

Evie, what if Lee decided I'm too much hard work and changed his mind?

I think...

..he met Taylor Swift and he ran away with her.

- I wouldn't hold that against him. - No way.

I made Ranesh promise, if he gets the opportunity,

he WILL cheat on me with Tay.

- Do you think Ranesh has a chance with Taylor Swift? - Yes!

CACKLING

SHE SNORTS

Thanks, Evie. That's really cheered me up!

SHE LAUGHS

He could seduce her with a little tea ceremony.

It worked on me!

- That's cos you're weak minded. - No...

Hello. You've reached...

SHE SIGHS

There she is!

The prodigal daughter returns.

Or are you a Catholic?

Uh, no, but seriously, I'm not supposed to ask that.

Welcome home, Dr... Wait, wait. Where are you going?

- To the office. - Oh, we moved wings a few months ago.

Antiquities needed our old space.

But if you ask me, it's just a power play from them.

Classic Antiquities.

Yeah. So, Isle of Wight...

What's the talent like?

- Tasty? - Eurgh.

Yep. That's right, down there.

APPLAUSE

Why are they doing that?

Dr MacArthur,

you have five highly cited papers.

You discovered a new species of insect.

You're a celebrity now.

QUIET CHEERING

Thank you. But please stop - I don't like that.

There he is. Your old partner in crime.

Been terribly quiet around here without you two causing trouble.

Here's that gastropod I emailed you about.

I was supposed to forward it to London,

but I saved it for your return.

- You're back early. - Yeah. I had a change of plan.

We're not supposed to hoard the fossils.

Nina called dibs on gastropods three years ago.

Hm. Thank you, Declan.

- Where's my desk? - Over by the shark teeth.

But I always sit opposite Declan.

Well, that's where the, erm,

social pod and hydration station live now, Nina.

Besides, we thought our triumphant and fearless explorer

deserved something a little bit special.

I don't want special. I want normal.

It's within hearing range of his crying bathroom.

Ha!

Very funny, Declan. Crying bathroom!

They're back, ladies and gentlemen!

Better get on with my sewing.

What is he up to?

He's co-chairing the museum fundraising event committee.

- We all have to dress up this year. - Eurgh!

My feelings exactly.

- Hello, you've reached Lee's phone... - There you go.

- Thank you so much. - Have a good day. Next.

- Can I get a tuna melt, please? - Ah, we don't do those any more.

- You don't do tuna any more? - We do tuna sandwich.

We do a tuna and cheese baguette, but we don't serve it hot any more.

Can you just put the tuna cheese baguette on a panini press, please?

My boss is pretty strict. No more fish on the press.

You can't just take a beloved item off of the menu.

People love a tuna melt. Give the people what they want.

Nobody likes hot tuna.

And we only serve, like, one a day

to some woman who I think died last year.

No, that was me. I didn't die. I went to the Isle of Wight.

- Did you want anything else or...? - I want a fucking tuna melt.

I want my fucking tuna melt,

I want my desk to go back to where it used to be in my old office,

I want Lee to pick up the phone, I want my sister to walk me to work,

I want my brother to stop acting weird,

and I want everything to go back to how it was

before I went to the Isle of Wight!

Nina, what's going on?

Stopped selling tuna melts.

Scum.

You all right?

That was nearly a tuna meltdown.

I tried phoning Lee but...

..it just goes to voicemail.

Maybe he did think that you and the American

were getting a wee bit too cosy.

I don't want to play the maybe game any more, Evie.

I just keep circling back to either he hates me now

or something terrible's happened to him

and we should have phoned the police.

Look, I'm sure he's fine.

I went past Bo's on the way here.

No sign of Hilda or the new people carrier.

Why is Bo buying a people carrier? He hates people.

Maybe he needed the space because he's joined a dogging group.

Mm...

- Bo he can't do dogging. He gets stage fright. - Mm.

And there was a big sexy man coming out of his flat.

- Maybe Bo's gay. - No chance.

If Bo was gay he would have told us.

He'd finally have something interesting to say about himself.

Mm...

- BOTH: - Ah...

- Could you do dogging? - 100%.

I don't think I'd like it.

- I'd be scared a moth would get in the car. - Oh...

I'm fine.

Nina, Nina, Nina. Oh...

I just ran from the station. I wanted to find you straight away.

Oh, my God. I waited for you at Knutsford.

My train got put off because there was a sheep on the line

and I had to wait in Carlisle

for...for four hours for a replacement train,

and I fell asleep in the toilet.

And then when I woke up, I was locked in the station.

I thought, "That's funny, me being locked in the toilet."

- Cos remember, you got locked in the toilet? - Uh-huh.

And I would have called you, but my phone died. Then I had to get...

I had to buy a charger from this guy and I think he worked there

but I'm not sure he worked there

cos when I plugged it in, the phone exploded.

And then it was on fire and I had to throw it in the puddle.

And then it was hot and it was wet and it was...

- And I had to get a big bag of rice. - I thought you changed your mind.

No, I never change my mind.

That's you that does that.

- Yeah. - There's no... - Yeah. I change my mind.

Um... I'm glad you're not hurt.

Or in a gang.

Evie thought maybe you not showing up had something to do with Clayton.

- Why would have had something to do with Clayton? - I don't know,

but I rarely understand neurotypical people's motives.

- So... - He's just your work friend, though, right?

Like Declan, but big and American.

Yeah.

I have to... I have to go back to work.

- OK. - I'm...I'm meeting my family

at the Hog's Head after, um, for drinks.

You should come.

- My parents would be really happy to see you. - That'd be nice.

PANTING

- I missed you. - Oh!

I missed you, too, Nina.

I know that I usually object to voice notes on a moral basis,

but I had to let you know, Evie -

I saw Lee.

He's back. He didn't join a gang.

He missed his train and then he got locked in a toilet.

I hugged him and he seemed really happy

and I've invited him for drinks tonight

and I think everything has gone...back to normal.

Evie...

..I need to go. Um, Shane is hovering nearby

and he's pulling a weird face and I don't know what it means.

OK, bye.

- Can I grab a tight five? - No.

- How about a loose five? - No.

I've got a surprise for you,

and we need to get that security pass photo renewed.

My office is set up for your photo shoot.

- I don't want to do that. - Uh, which...which part?

Any of it.

- I'm going for a walk. - Oh, is that...

Is that... Is that for your autism?

- Yeah, sure. - Great. Fantastic.

Off on an autism walk.

You get it.

Hey, Scotland.

- Forgot your favourite pen. - Oh, my God!

Clayton, what are you doing here?

- What, no hug? - What is it with you Americans

and your need to squish your bodies together?

Answer my question.

Well, I got talking with Shane

when you were going through your whole flip-flop thing,

and he asked me to take a shot at being a visiting researcher.

We're doing public outreach,

using my profile to help boost the museum's social media presence.

Apparently, the current palaeontology staff,

they refuse to engage with the public.

That's because the public are idiots and don't like being told

that Jurassic Park is hideously inaccurate!

- OK. - When do you start and how did you get here so fast?

And...I've got so many questions.

Answer those two first and then we'll circle back.

Such an academic. Always on the hunt for information.

- Uh-huh. - I start this week, Scotland. Yeah. Flew in this morning.

I was going to swing by your office and surprise you...

I hate surprises!

I love this pen. Thank you.

Well, you're right about one thing, Scotland.

From what I've seen of it, Glass-cow is pretty awesome.

Glasgow. And it's very awesome.

Best city in the world, according to you.

Absolutely is the best city in the world,

from the Kelvin to the Clyde.

Glasgow is the fertile soil which inspired

the inventors of the steam engine, and of television!

I think Amherst would give you a run for your money.

You're delusional. And no, it couldn't.

Also, we would destroy you in hand-to-hand combat.

- Stop flirting, Scotland. - I'm not!

Oh, OK. OK.

So what are your plans tonight?

Well, at six, I'm going to the Hog's Head

to meet my mum and dad and my family for dinner,

though Evie says I don't have to eat if I don't want to -

- I can play it by ear. - Cool. I'll see you later.

Clay,

you know that you can't charm Glaswegians

like you do everybody else.

Worked on you, Scotland.

Mm...

Right. Dr MacArthur,

are you ready for your close-up?

I hate getting my photo taken.

Don't worry. I've taken a pet photography course.

So you ran into my new hire?

We really needed someone who could, um, reach the kids.

You know, give a smile and educate the guests...

..without lecturing them, Nina.

OK...

Could you relax your face? A bit more warmth in the eyes?

Um... Just stop... stop scowling at the camera?

Oh, have you given any thought to your costume for the fundraiser?

- No. - It's historical figures in palaeontology.

Yeah, but don't worry if you haven't.

I can run you something up.

I've, um, taken a tailoring course.

Ah, I know what might help.

Right. Look at the birdie.

SQUEAK

- Good girl. - No.

No, no, I meant in a dog way,

- not in a... - No.

SQUEAK

Oh, goodness.

I might have to report myself to myself.

BEEP, BEEP

Eh...

BEEP

No.

BEEP

No.

BEEP

No.

Hello.

You've been here a lot today.

You've needed me a lot today.

- I'm fine. - Nina, I know that you're fine,

but you're not very good at asking

for a bit of extra support when you need it.

I'm your sister, I can tell. How was work?

It was awful. They've moved my office.

People kept applauding when I walked into rooms.

And... Eurgh. ..Shane called me a good girl.

- Ew! - I know.

- So Lee's back? - Yes. - Do you think he's bullshitting?

I think, given the state of the current UK rail network,

it's statistically likely that his train was cancelled.

But you can ask him when we meet him at the Hog's Head.

I invited him.

That's good.

So how was the big romantic reuniting?

Fine. I mean, awkward. But fine.

But every conversation I have with somebody who isn't you is awkward,

so I think it was normal awkward.

Or it was bad awkward. I don't know.

But it was nice to see him from the neck down.

I forgot how lovely his shoulders were.

Aw...

Did you read that article I sent you about the sword dragon fossils?

- Yeah. - Are you lying? - Yeah.

Oh, Clayton got a job at the museum.

Temporarily.

What?

Nina, when I said, "How was your day?"

you really thought the relocation of your office was the priority?

He brought my favourite pen.

Are you telling me your work husband flew

all the way to Glasgow just to see you?

He's not my husband in any capacity.

And he's not here to see me.

He's here to work temporarily.

He's chasing you.

Clayton's not chasing me. He's my colleague.

Oh, and, spoke to Lee,

and he said him not showing up had nothing to do with Clayton.

So you were wrong.

Or he was lying.

- Men lie when they're insecure. - Great.

More weird social cues I don't get.

SHE SINGS

Before you go full Avril Lavigne on me,

I've got more information on Bo.

- You don't have to keep distracting me. - I'm invested now.

I spent three hours after lunch setting up a fake profile,

so I could befriend our brother on that account.

- Guess what I found. - I'm bad at guessing. - Just guess.

Eh...

Bo's been radicalised by the right wing.

No.

Oh! He's a furry.

Ew, no!

He's got a foot thing?

Maybe, but, no.

He's selling his PlayStation 5.

No!

- Bo loves his console. - I know.

That's where he goes to, like, punch pedestrians

and to tend his little pumpkin patch in his Dreamlight Valley.

I know. Something is most definitely afoot.

I think he's lost his job,

sold his flat to that big sexy man,

and he's living couch to couch like an early Ed Sheeran.

You said he has breakfast at ours most mornings.

Is he wearing business attire?

Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything.

He's probably just sat in the park in his wee suit feeding the pigeons

cos he's too afraid to tell Mum and Dad he's fucked his life up.

Oh, my God.

For the first time, I'm the best sibling.

- Evie! - Oh, let me have it.

Bo.

- Hi, Bo. - Hello, brother.

- I'm telling Mum and Dad. - What are you talking about?

We know your secret.

There's no secret. I don't have a secret.

- Who's the man living at your flat? - What?

Selling your PlayStation, huh?

Found a buyer, have you?

Why are you two like this?

Oh, Evie wants to feel like the superior sibling,

and I kind of need a distraction.

But now I'm just doing it cos it's fun.

Fuck this, I'm walking.

- Bye, Bo. - We'll race you.

I think he's definitely a furry.

Thanks, driver.

Nin-bean! Oh-ho!

Oh, I'm glad you came home, kid.

I was worried you were going to stay on that island.

Why didn't you say anything?

It's a parent's job to be supportive, no matter what.

I think you need to re-evaluate your approach, Dad,

put your foot down occasionally.

What if I said I was going to get a tattoo?

I'd probably ask you which bum cheek you were you going to get it on.

It's good that your wee pal finally showed up.

Your mum likes him.

Now, I know you don't like a fuss, kid,

but you do enjoy Times New Roman.

It's perfect.

- Oh... - Hello. - Hi.

Bo's got a secret.

Mm-hm! And he won't tell us.

He's either joined a cult or he's addicted to online bingo.

Maybe it's both.

People on those bingo adverts look way too happy.

Mm-hm. Mm.

You're definitely up to something.

Would yous mind your own business?!

Hm! You're like a sexy Columbo.

- Murder She Wrote is sexy Columbo. - Very true. - Mm.

At least tell us who the hunky guy living in your flat is.

He's already taken, Lurch.

SARCASTIC LAUGH

Shut up.

Are you in a throuple, Bo?

When Hilda moved out, I converted her apothecary into a bedroom,

and I've been letting it out to some junior doctor called Craig.

A lodger, very smart, Bo. Passive income.

If Bo has a passive income then why is he selling his console? Hm?

Is it addiction? Is it bath salts, Bo?

Bo, have you been sniffing soaps?

Taking bumps of shower gel?

MOBILE PINGS

Guys. Amber's back.

She's coming to the pub.

Oh, my twin flame!

She's been working on this big gay boyband cruise

for the last eight months.

The drama on that ship.

Honestly, every voice note was like my own personal podcast.

STRAINED INHALE

Here we go.

What's he doing?

MOBILE PLAYS: Zadok The Priest by GF Handel

What's going on?

Why is he doing that?

Hello?

Zadok the Priest!

NINA GASPS

Amber's pregnant!

I'm going to kill you!

Who do you think the dad is?

Dad, Mum, Sisters, Ranesh...

..coffee man,

- Me and Amber... - Amber and I.

We're having a baby...together.

I'm carrying the MacArthur heir.

We're not a couple, obviously - that would be disgusting.

We're consciously, gently co-parenting.

Many blessings. May I touch the bump?

- Er, no. - We promised we wouldn't sleep with each other's friends.

You shagged Stevie with the eyebrows.

Didn't get him pregnant.

I take it you didn't know.

Oh, no. I never pick up on stuff like this.

- A baby! Oh! - Well done!

- Well done?! - Baby Bo!

Well done, Bo?! He's got my best friend pregnant

and we're just saying, "Well done, Bo"?!

- Um, do you need to...? - No, no, no.

- Can I get some crisps, please? - Aye, no bother.

Salt and vinegar.

Why didn't you tell me?

Babe, at first I didn't realise.

I thought I had buffet belly and seasickness from the cruise.

Amber,

you sent me, like, 17-minute-long voice notes every day -

you could have dropped it in.

By the time I found out, I just...

I was so scared.

Oh, Amber!

And I just wanted to tell you in person.

Yeah.

I promise I'll never keep anything from you ever again.

- Better not. - You're going to be the coolest auntie.

You're going to be the best mum.

What the hell?

And Bo's going to be a dad.

BOTH: Yeah.

- When? - The wedding.

- Where? - The shed.

That's romantic.

How did your parents take it?

My mum was so happy.

A phone psychic told her she'd never be a granny.

So she might get a refund.

Your crisps.

- Did I say ready salted? - Yeah.

- It's better for the baby. - Is it?

Yeah.

You're going to be an auntie. How do you feel?

Isn't she positively glowing?

How much work will this entail for me?

A lot. But I'm good with babies, so, you know, I can help.

- CLAYTON: - Hey! Hello, friends.

- DIANE: - Hey, my favourite American!

- What are you doing here? - Well, Nina invited me.

No, I didn't. I just told you where I was going.

Information does not an invitation make.

It's so good to finally meet you in person. I'm Clay.

Lee. Yeah. No, I know, I know.

I'm Bo. You must be Nina's hunky work husband.

Mum and Dad told me all about you.

I'm Amber.

The woman whose pregnancy announcement

you've just trampled all over.

Amber, I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you.

- Tell me where to send the gift. - Ugh!

- ADE: - Sit down. We'll get you a drink.

- DIANE: - Hold on.

I need to get a picture of this - Nina and her friends.

Oh, Nina, remember when all your friends were dead scientists?

- Yep. - We had to get you a Ouija board.

- LEE: - So, um, how's Scotland treating you?

She's kind of mean, but I like her.

- DIANE: - Smile! - Three's a crowd, eh?

Come on, cosy up, you three.

Did I see you in paradise

On the back of your brother's motorbike?

There was no way of telling you

And nobody wanted to

Last we talked, it was all night

And your new girlfriend looked pretty nice

The kind of girl that your parents like

You were still unsatisfied...

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