Original subtitles

Love...

family...

joy.

If you're here...

it's because you love Marvin and Liza very much.

At least one of them.

And you wanna share in their happiness.

I know I do.

Liza...

Charlie, Cooper, I wanna thank you for trusting me with this ceremony.

I consider it a very high honour and a privilege.

And I know your dear departed parents, Jerry and Barb, would have approved,

and just as important, tipped me handsomely.

You all right, buddy? Think unhappy thoughts.

Yeah. Okay.

Childhood obesity, dolphins caught in tuna nets.

-Syria. -Hang in there, all right?

Remember, 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.

My God, that's depressing.

Thank you.

What the hell?

That's their brother Charlie.

Apparently, he's got some disease where he passes out when he's happy.

-That's a thing? -Or else he's just an asshole.

I first met Liza when she was smaller than a butternut squash.

Charlie and Cooper paraded their new baby sister into mass,

like she was the Second Coming herself.

I swear, they were prouder, even than your mom and your dad.

-Oh, Jesus. Hey, come on, man! Come on! -Is he okay?

Brian Wilson, vegan meat.

-Cosby. Cosby. -Cosby.

Let's go ahead, and drive it to the hoop, okay? We're ready.

No, I understand. Okay.

-Marvin, do you take Liza to be your wife? -Faster.

To have and to hold, for better, for worse,

sickness, health, to cherish till death do you part?

-I do. -And, Liza, do you do all that stuff too?

I do.

Then by the power vested in me by the State of New York...

and God, I pronounce you husband and wife.

-No, no, no! -Hey! Careful!

-Is he okay? -It's okay! It's all right. I got him.

This happens.

Charlie?

Hey.

It lives!

-What'd I miss? -They're on their way to Belize.

Sorry.

Check this out.

Before they left...

Marvin presents Liza with this big box, right? A gift.

Makes a big deal out of it.

Not jewellery, not a day at the spa, lingerie.

It's travel pants with the zip-off legs.

I saw the arm come back. I thought she was gonna punch him.

-Stop it. -Seriously.

-No more, man. -But she's all right.

Uncle Jeff stitched up her lip, and...

Yeah, you tore shit up, man. That whole front row's gonna have PTSD.

She just looked so beautiful. I couldn't stop the happiness.

Yeah. You won't even consider trying that Xyrem stuff again?

It doesn't do any more for me than exercise,

Cooper, and exercise doesn't make me wet the bed.

All right. I just, you know...

I don't want you to die.

I'll be fine...

as long as there are no more weddings ever.

-I can count on you for that, right? -Hey.

Oh, I saw Marvin's sister Rita checking you out.

-Was she, now? -Yeah.

Must have a thing for fainters.

Don't be so dismissive. Some chicks love a project.

I don't wear socks with sandals, Cooper. I have an incurable neurologic condition.

But don't be all poopy about it.

Okay, come on.

-Miss, let me help. I'll help you. -Thank you so much.

No problem.

Your baby sister married off.

-That's gotta make you feel old. -Liza always did everything first.

When she was 12 years old, she pressured me into smoking a joint.

Come on, man. Don't you want to fall in love?

Oh, I wanna be in love, sure.

Ideally, I'd like to skip past the honeymoon

phase to the steady sharing-deodorant phase.

Oh, you're killing me, man.

I'm with you, Charlie.

It's important to find someone that you can kind of forget is there,

so that when they leave, it's like losing a cat.

No, that's not exactly what I--

You know, I need to be careful.

I need someone I can picture in sweatpants, just the right amount of mousy.

Do you listen to the Modern Love podcast?

-I don't. You do? -Religiously.

There was a story the other day about a

couple, where he was deaf and she was blind,

so they couldn't speak or use sign language, but

they were happily married for, like, 15 years.

What happened then?

She was killed by a self-driving car.

-Yeah. It was a lot. -Thanks for your input, Victor.

Everyone stop talking right now. I need to concentrate.

You don't have to react that way to stuff...

I don't know what you're talking about.

I took you to the baseball game. You were like a crazy person at the baseball game.

"A crazy person at a--"? It's a baseball

game. Is there etiquette for a baseball game?

It's a Little League game with kids, right?

Okay, fine.

How about you getting drunk at a Little League game?

What else are you gonna do at a Little League game?

Sit down for a second.

I ask you to-- I ask you to relax.

I say, "Relax," and you take it--

It is the most annoying thing on the planet to hear.

-I'm just saying "relax," like it's not that big-- -Stop saying that.

Will you just relax?

What are they talking about?

You know I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately.

Like, I've really been trying to become a better person.

Are you breaking up with me?

-Yes. -Seriously?

We're in a library.

Is that why you brought me here, so I wouldn't raise my voice?

No.

Listen, we both know that you're passionate.

Oh, is that a euphemism for "loud"?

-She's getting heated. -Euphemism's a great word.

Here's another one. You're fricking bananas.

-Mother-- -All right, come on.

Great.

Are you serious right now? Take that!

-Oh, okay! Ma'am, would you mind? -Hey, miss?

-Will you please get down? -I like it up here.

Yeah, she's crazy, man. Not just like part of the month, like, the whole thing.

Oh, my God!

This penny-loafer-wearing asshole brought me in here to break up with me.

Yeah, because I thought she'd keep a lid on it for once.

Excuse me, excuse me. Why don't you just let it out?

What?

You're standing on a table. You clearly have something to say.

I think you should say it.

Okay. Well, for example, "keep a lid on it."

I don't have to keep a lid on anything.

I'm pretty sure every nerd in this library disagrees.

You know what's crazy is, I don't even know how we ended up together.

He is rude to waiters. He screens calls from his mom.

-He threads his eyebrows. -I'm part Greek.

-And your friends don't like him? -Oh, they hate him.

They can't understand what I see in him, you know? And then after a while...

it becomes the reason why I'm with him.

Sure. It's bad choices. That's your thing, right?

Yeah. So it's her fault.

-Hey, hey! -Hey, miss, please, give Lavelle the book.

You stand back, or I'm gonna tear this apart.

She's all talk.

Ma'am?

Ma'am?

Ma'am!

You will never, ever tear the binding on that book.

It's reinforced for libraries.

-You can, however, try the pages. -Charlie.

No, please. Start in the middle. Knock yourself out.

-Yeah! -There we go. See how good that feels?

-Does that feel good? -Huh, am I being loud now?

-Just relax. -Oh, relax?

Relax?

Relax!

Tell me something.

Did you ever really think that this would last?

Or the better question is,

did you ever really want it to?

Fine, we can break up.

Well, that went as expected.

-Thanks. -How'd he do that?

Like a blind man learns to listen, except Charlie's got an ear for pain.

-What's it to you? -What?

I'm just-- I'm trying to keep things calm here.

-You're good at it. -I need to be.

-Sorry! -Yeah, don't do that anymore.

I'm taking off early.

"Measles outbreak on the rise. CDC concerned."

Thank you.

Good one!

Kelly! That's it!

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, 10!

Zika virus, Congress.

Oh, God.

Famine in Darfur.

White guy, dreadlocks.

-Hey, Charlie. -Hey.

-You just made it. -Barely. Thanks.

-You good? -Yeah.

There's someone here to see you. She brought you something.

"She"?

-Oh, God. Tell her I died. -I already told her you were here.

-It was very sudden. -Hello?

-Hi there, Mr. Librarian. -Hey. Come to throw more books around?

I'm here to thank you for coming to my defence the other day.

Oh, I didn't come to your defence. I just came to get you off the table.

Well, still, I appreciate it.

-I got you this, a replacement. -Didn't have to do that.

It's the least I could do.

No, the copy you destroyed was a first edition.

Oh, I'm sorry. You did kind of egg me on, though.

All right.

I was thinking about something you said that day.

Right.

Did I really want it to last? And I realised that I didn't.

It's a good thing it ended, then.

But why did I get into a relationship I knew was doomed to fail?

-Ask the guy who doomed it. -It's not his fault.

Actually, it is all his fault.

But I knew where it was headed when he cancelled on a date to go to a boat show.

By the way, he's the second guy to do that to me.

Maybe you should move inland?

There's something I find irresistible about men I have no future with.

Right.

It's so quiet in here. Does it make you just wanna scream?

Don't scream, please.

Come on, have you tried screaming? It's fun.

I know it's fun, but there's more to life than fun.

-Is there? -I'm not sure anymore.

Well, thanks again.

-I'm Francesca, by the way. -I'm Charlie.

Well, it was nice to meet you too, Charlie.

-Yeah! -I'll leave this. Okay.

Yeah.

We need to settle something right now.

Are you gay?

I mean, it's cool if you are, but I gotta know

because I want off this emotional roller coaster.

I'm not gay, Lavelle.

Eunuch? Are you a eunuch?

-What? -It is unfair.

You won't go out with her because of how she

looks. It's not her fault that she's smoking hot.

No, it's not just her looks. It's her manner. It's

her laugh. It's her stupid gift-wrapped books.

She's just too...

too.

-It sounds like you kind of dig her. -That's the problem.

Let's get down to brass tacks, Charlie.

Sperm quality declines sharply after age 35.

Thank you, Victor.

You gotta stick your neck out sometime. Or life will pass you right by.

Yeah, right.

Okay!

-"Okay," what? -Okay, I'll go out with you.

Oh, I--

I didn't exactly ask.

How does 2:00, Saturday, sound?

-Will your mom be driving? -My parents are dead.

Okay, then. Saturday at 2.

I'll wear sunscreen.

Great. I mean, good.

See you then.

Oh, wait. Charlie, don't you need my number?

Call the front desk later. I need to go right now.

I don't know. I guess I just don't get it.

You haven't gone on a date in years, right?

-So why her? Why now? -I don't know.

She was so angry, beside herself, completely out of control.

-It was thrilling. -I don't get that at all.

It's like she's everything I've ever avoided.

-I'm drawn to her like a moth. -To a flame.

The end of that phrase is "to a burning, deadly flame."

Yeah, I get it.

What is there to decide? All your shirts look the same.

-Why do all your shirts look the same? -No compliments.

Does she know?

-Does Francesca--? -Are you kidding?

Hi, I'm Charlie. I'm medically forbidden to have fun. You wanna go out?

Pass the tacks.

No.

-Come on, Charlie, it's too gruesome. -It works.

Fine.

Listen, you put as many office supplies in the bottom of your shoe as you want.

Eventually, she's gonna find out.

Dates are supposed to be fun.

Not this one.

The only good thing to come of my grandmother's Alzheimer's

was that it helped her forget her miserable life.

She was raised in a Hooverville...

on the wrong side of the wrong side of the tracks.

The kind of place where dreams go to die, and hope...

Hope is smothered in its crib.

-Is he a friend of yours? -No.

See Mildred Munch didn't have hope.

She didn't have dreams...

so she didn't have nothing to lose.

Norman, you son of a bitch, you get a job!

You get a job, or you're gonna get a new wife!

Those are empty threats, just like you're an empty person...

Were there good reviews?

I didn't check.

No, please! I--

Why not?

And that, dear friends, is when Mildred Munch,

my bubbie Millie turned...

to prostitution.

Hand jobs!

-Seriously, why are we here? -Hand jobs! First one's free!

Why are we here?

I'm sorry. Is my play interrupting your conversation?

No.

I didn't buy a ticket to your conversation.

-So sorry. We're done. -Yeah. Yeah, we're--

-Please continue. -Sorry.

Thank you for permission to continue my play. I very much appreciate it.

-I'll just hop back into the moment. -We should go. Sorry.

I'll just pretend that I'm not completely distracted now.

I'm sorry.

How about I skip to the part where her first-born dies of common diarrhoea?

I said, diarrhoea!

I said...

diarrhoea.

-Diarrhoea! -All right. Yeah. I know.

I know, but to be fair to him...

we did kind of--

-Diarrhoea? -Yeah, diarrhoea.

Come on, I kind of feel for him.

-Where are we? -It's...

Are we--? Are we in danger?

-It's starting to feel that way, yeah. -Hold on to me so you don't get kidnapped.

-So tell me about your sick aunt. -Wow, you flirt weird.

Sorry.

It seemed important. It's something you're going through.

Yeah, sometimes it's nice not to be going through it.

Yeah, of course it is, but I'm an idiot, so just ignore me. You'll have way more fun.

It's all right.

Since we're on the subject...

it is hard.

She's like my second mother, after my real mother died of the same thing.

Breast cancer runs in my family like hammertoes...

so I've got that to look forward to.

Look who's being fun now.

I'm sorry, Francesca. That's awful.

Thank you.

It's not all bad.

I've gotten really close with Sylvia since I've been living with her,

which I guess means it's gonna hurt that much more when she...

Well, that'll burn New York for me.

Are you gonna leave?

Oh, yeah. But I always do.

I lost somebody close to me when I was young.

My grandpa, Jacob. He was like my best friend growing up.

We had the same-- We had a lot in common.

Every Sunday, he'd take me out to the carousel, let

me go round and round as many times as I wanted...

even after he had to stop, you know?

I think that's the happiest that I've ever been.

Are you happy now?

Not as happy as Mildred Munch. Diarrhoea.

Common diarrhoea.

-Common? Not even special diarrhoea. -Nope, common.

You didn't have one.

Exactly. "On the wrong side of the wrong side of the tracks."

"The wrong side of the wrong side of the tracks." Like Troy McClure.

-Can't believe you took me to that play. -Nor can I.

This is me.

So my aunt should still be at karate, if you wanna come up for a drink.

-A drink? It's 3:30. -Yes, it is.

It's not about the drink, Charlie.

Sure, why not?

-Yeah? -Yeah.

I see now why you insisted on a matinee.

We have more energy for messing around.

Charlie! Oh, my God, Charlie!

Charlie!

BP is 160 over...

-Dr Ramirez to Radiology. -Pulse, 83.

Page Neuro, stat. Let's get him in Trauma, stat.

Charlie...

Oh, come on.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

-Hi. I'm looking for Charles Greene. -Are you here for Charlie?

-I'm Francesca. -Oh, Jesus. No wonder.

Sorry.

Hi. Cooper, brother.

-So how'd it go? -What do you mean? We ended up here.

Right. Have you heard anything?

Just that he didn't break his neck, which is good.

I guess you two really hit it off, huh?

Well, yeah. I mean, I think-- I thought so. I--

I don't know. I mean, we were headed upstairs, and he just dropped.

He, like-- I think he fainted from the heat or something?

Yeah. From the heat. Yeah, probably.

That's super common because you gotta hydrate.

Well, good news.

Charlie's got a pretty nasty cut, and his head's gonna ache for a while,

but there's no fractures, so all in all, we feel he got off lucky this time.

-This time? -Yeah.

-The report says-- -You know, Charlie's got a thing.

And it's a condition, according to some, but to others, it's an adorable quirk.

It's a disease caused by the shortage of hypocretin in his brain.

It's a chemical signal that makes most of us stay awake.

Essentially, Charlie's body gets tricked to think that it's asleep.

Adorable quirk.

Disease.

Hey.

Oh, hi.

So that was crazy.

I guess I must have fainted. I need to hydrate.

Charlie, I know.

What's it called?

Cataplexy.

Technically, narcolepsy with cataplexy.

Runs in the family.

-Your Grandpa Jacob? -Yeah.

Yeah.

Growing up, I thought he slept all the time because he was old.

Then it started happening to me.

Pretty much any strong emotion will trigger it.

In my case, it's...

it's mainly when I'm happy.

So thank you.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I had a girlfriend...

in college, it was Alice...

and she knew...

but she didn't really know, you know?

And because she was my first,

I didn't know what would actually happen when we finally...

When you...

That's-- It's not funny.

-Oh, come on, it's a little bit funny. -It's not at all--

-How do you--? What--? -Not in the least bit funny.

-I'm sorry. -Jesus Christ.

Okay. You're right. It is not funny.

You know, I came to, naked on my back...

surrounded by EMTs, the RA, half the dorm.

Alice thought I'd died.

I mostly...

steered clear of girlfriends since then.

I can't afford the insurance.

Today was a big deal for you, wasn't it?

It was a really big deal for me too.

Remember, I never date guys I think I have a future with?

Let's quit while we're ahead.

I took a risk. It was obviously a bad idea.

Oh, hey, don't worry about it. We'll just take it slow.

-We'll stick to boring, depressing dates. -It won't work.

Wait. Like the botanical gardens or eating on a walk.

It won't work. It's not that simple.

-Symposiums, lectures, Roosevelt Island-- -Please...

stop.

-I need to check you again. -Sure.

I had a good time with you. I just wanna remember it that way.

All right. Look at me, please.

-Pain, scale of one to 10? Ten is highest. -Two.

-All right. Any chills? -No.

-Dizziness? -No.

-No? Headache? -Not anymore.

"'How about his old bunny?' the boy's governess asked.

'That,' said the doctor,

'why, it's a mass of scarlet fever germs, burn it at once.'

And so the little rabbit was put into a sack with the old picture books

and a lot of rubbish and carried out to the end of the garden.

That was a fine place to have a bonfire."

This story is sad. Read something funny.

-Yeah, funny. -Yeah, funny. Funny.

-This story is actually about something. -Funny!

-Really? -Throw it in the bonfire!

All right. Try this little baby here.

This one is called Where Did My Sweet Grandma Go?

Okay. All right, time for a potty break, gang.

Potty break!

Yeah. You know what's going on.

When we come back, maybe Mr. Charlie will read Walter the Farting Dog, huh?

-Yeah! -Yeah!

Farts, farts, farts!

For your information, Walter farts because he's been fed human food.

-It's actually very sad. -This field trip sucks.

Hey, whoa, whoa! Not nice, Deangelo. Okay?

Mr. Charlie's having a grumpy day.

Ignore him, Charlie. His dads are getting a divorce.

Oh, my God.

-Oh, what is she doing here? -Nothing good.

-What's up? -Hey.

Cool.

How you doing, Charlie?

I feel terrible.

You had a nice, depressing date planned, and

I ruined it and made you crack your head open.

-I think you should go. -Wait. Is everything okay?

I don't know how to answer that.

You're back at work.

Fine, then everything's stupendous.

Look, I know, you wanted to take things slow, and I messed it up.

I just--

I think I tried to get physical because I was trying

to escape the emotional connection we were having and--

Fran, stop it, please? I don't wanna do this. I can't do it.

If you're looking for a boyfriend, I'm not him.

Come on, I'm trying to figure out why I do this.

You wanna have fun? You want to escape? Look, meet my brother.

Wait, what?

I don't want another relationship, Charlie.

That's fine. You won't get one.

I guarantee within six weeks, he is out of there.

Six weeks is 42 days.

Yes, awesome multiplication, Frederick. You believe this kid? Five years old.

He's a hot male kindergarten teacher. Look at that jawline. Snap him up.

Hey, Cooper, do me a favour.

Take this lovely lady out for a coffee. Tell her

about the time you went skydiving with Liza Minnelli.

Correction. It was a small Asian man who looked like Liza Minnelli.

I am so confused, and frankly, a little offended.

I don't wanna get coffee with your brother. No offence.

Then go for tea or popsicles. Or don't go at all, I don't care.

Just please, leave me alone.

-Jeff Cho. -What?

His name was Jeff Cho.

Oh, man, that was such a mistake.

What was I hoping to hear? "Oh, you tried to

kill me, but that's all right. We're cool."

Look, I know you feel bad.

Take it from me, Charlie's gonna be fine. He's used to this.

I've seen that guy pass out after he caught a fish, okay?

One time he found the prize at the bottom of a box of Corn Pops, gone.

Every time the Jets win, which luckily is very rare...

Oh, phew, for a second there, I thought I was special.

Oh, you know what I mean. Come on.

I do, and I am very comforted by your insults.

Great.

Thanks, Cooper.

Is that a family name? Never heard that before.

Named after the dog.

-That's not true. -That is true, 100 percent.

Yeah, it was a Saint Bernard.

He died just before I was born, and Charlie started calling me Cooper.

I guess I was a hairy baby.

Well, thanks for the pep talk.

See you around.

-Hey. Where are you headed? -Cobble Hill.

That's great. That's right on our way. We'll give you a ride.

Okay.

Just a heads-up. The ride's a big yellow school bus.

-Yeah, all right. Sure. -Okay. Here we go.

Hey, Deangelo. I got a new bus buddy.

I guess she just wanted a chance to say all the things she didn't say to you.

It was actually kind of a word flood. Do you wanna hear?

-No, not really. -Yeah, I don't blame you.

Leave it in the past.

-We actually ended up hitting it off. -Yeah?

Yeah, she's a big laugher. I don't think I'm that funny, but...

Come on. You're funny. I like your De Niro.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

Cape Fear.

Do a line.

-"I made him an offer he couldn't refuse." -That's Brando.

-Well, it's eventually him, right? -Him before, yeah. I guess.

-Kind of. -Yeah. Do, like, Goodfellas.

-"Look who's talking too!" -Jesus Christ.

No, I know that one's not right.

"Were you talking to me?"

That's honestly awful.

Anyway, I thought, I don't know...

Might ask her out.

Francesca?

Yeah, you know, just if you're cool with it.

-Yeah, I'm cool with it. -Good. I don't wanna, you know...

No, of course. Sure. Be my guest. You two are perfect together.

-You sure? -Yeah, I said I'm sure.

All right.

A can of your cheapest beer, please.

Cooper, what a nice surprise.

All right. This place is great. It looks like it hasn't changed in 50 years.

You should see what it cost to make it that way.

-Oh, yeah? Are you the owner? -Me? No.

I'm the day manager. You know, easy come, easy go.

Still drinking Pabst in this neighbourhood.

We get it. It's terrible. You're hilarious!

-Split it with me? -No, no. I can't drink on the job.

Should have been a kindergarten teacher.

Maybe another time?

I'm gonna take a break from men for a while.

Especially since I almost killed the last one. Last two, come to think of it.

Well, you are in luck. I've been told I'm very difficult to kill, so...

I do enjoy talking to you, and I do find you charming

in a sort of like Saint Bernard kind of way.

-Yeah. -But Charlie...

Hey, he's the one who set us up. I checked with him, and he's cool.

I wouldn't be here if he wasn't.

-Hey, Francesca? -Yeah?

Is it okay if I take my break early? I need to call my grandmother,

but there's a group of drunk bike messengers who

keep yelling the word "titties" in the background.

Of course, sweetheart.

Hi, I'm Bethany. I like your shirt. Is it pima cotton?

I... don't know.

You would know if it was pima.

Pima cotton feels like baby hair.

Yeah, I guess it doesn't feel like baby hair.

Must be Egyptian cotton, then, which is also nice.

Yeah.

Okay, bye.

Hey, hear me out.

How would you feel if we set up Charlie with someone a little more his speed?

I went to a seminar last night on the history of sandals.

It was called "Walk 10,000 Years in my Shoes."

Bethany?

Sounds like the kind of girl who had her own horse growing up.

I don't know about that. I met her at the bar where Francesca works.

She's nothing like Francesca. She's more restrained.

Like shy?

No. No, not exactly. She's not real in-your-face.

Actually, she's kind of hard to hear.

You don't have to do this. You can date Francesca without finding me a sub.

I'll be honest. It started out that way, but no joke, this chick is perfect for you.

-One I can picture in sweatpants? -Dude, full top-to-bottom sweat suit.

Now that's just creepy.

I'm not sure. The last thing I need right now is to get overexcited again.

Yeah, I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

No?

Hello.

I was wondering if you could point me to the

section of your library dealing with amaranth.

Amaranth, the grain?

Yes.

The ancient grain, cultivated by the Aztecs,

now enjoying a quinoa-like comeback, thanks

to its high protein content and nutty flavour.

-Sure. Right this way. -Okay.

Here.

Amaranth and You.

Seems to have a lot of historical information as well as recipes.

-Thanks, Charlie. -You're welcome. What?

I'm Bethany.

-They said we'd have a lot in common. -Right. I guess they were right.

-Because you like books. -Yeah. I love them.

I love the smell of them. The old books.

Yeah, that-- You know, that's called furfural.

-Furfural? -Yeah. Furfural and vanillin.

It's, like, they're volatile compounds released by decomposing paper and glue.

There's probably some mould in there as well.

-Some people find it very, you know... -Romantic.

-Romantic, yeah. -Yeah.

So how does "Amaranth and Chickpeas with Spring Lamb" sound?

-Are you asking me out? -No.

No, I was just asking if that's something I should make if you asked me out.

All right. Bethany, would you like to go out sometime?

Okay.

Good. Friday?

Friday, I have yarn-making class. I'd skip

it, but we're about to take on alpaca, so...

Oh, yeah. Saturday?

-Saturday's great. -Yeah.

I'll make amaranth.

-Look. -Please.

I like her.

She's pleasant.

Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly what she is.

-She's pleasant. -Right?

I met her, I said, "My God, that is one pleasant girl."

Yeah, so we'll see how that goes.

-You going out with Francesca? -Mr. Cooper's got a girlfriend!

All right. You know I don't like labels, Deangelo. You all know that.

And, yes, I am going out with Ms. Francesca on Saturday night.

Though where, I don't know. You gotta help me out. What's this chick like to do?

-Don't ask me. You're the one dating her. -You set us up!

Technically, sure.

Look, she's intimidating, okay?

I feel like sometimes we're having three conversations at once

-and I can't follow one of them. -Jesus.

All right. She's really into Bauhaus.

There's an Oskar Schlemmer retrospective right now at MoMA.

That's exactly what I'm talking about. I need something fun.

I need a good distraction. It doesn't take much, and this chick goes dark.

Cooper, she's having a tough time with her aunt.

I know. I know, and it's super sad. It is. So let's stop talking about it already.

-I need to pee-pee! -Yeah, you and me both, Frederick.

All right. Come on, guys. Pick up the pace. High knees, huh? Let's go.

How about just going somewhere...

noisy?

-How's your pisco sour? -What?

The pisco sour. Is it good?

Only for about six months.

Before that, I was in San Francisco. Have you been?

It's so good. Yeah, so tangy.

Tangy!

No one saw it coming.

Here, everyone had psyched themselves up for

alpaca and the teacher breaks out yak wool.

-One guy had to take a time-out. -Sounds intense. Thank you.

Crazy intense. I guess from now on, I better not get too comfortable.

Not if you know what's good for you.

So this is amaranth and chickpeas.

But no lamb.

Sorry, I felt bad.

Oh, no. That's fine. It looks amazing. Thank you so much for cooking.

You're welcome.

I like to cook in other people's kitchens.

It's like a little window into their souls.

What did you see in mine?

Extremely dull knives.

That's more accurate than you'll ever know.

It's good.

-Do you have kids? -What? No, why would you...?

I saw you have some foam taped to the corner of that table over there.

Well, that's just what my sister does for her son who's learning to walk.

Goddamn it.

-I don't mind kids, so... -It's not that, Bethany.

All right, there's something you deserve to know.

I have cataplexy, which means that I can pass out anytime I feel strong emotions.

Strong emotions? What do you mean?

Could be anything, like fear, anger, surprise, all of that.

In my case, it's mainly...

It's mainly joy.

That's horrible.

Yeah, it's not great, but listen,

there's nothing saying I can't feel mild, tepid emotions.

I can go to town on those.

Oh, gosh. Did I get you too worked up about the yarn?

Nope.

I guess we all have something weird about us.

I'm sexually attracted to Bob Newhart.

-What? -"Rock Lobster"!

-Come on! -Okay!

"Rock Lobster"!

I brought over some movies, but now I'm wondering.

Have you seen Secret of NIMH?

I was such a basket case at the end of that.

I think I'll be okay. I'm sitting down already.

I think we should play it safe.

Oh, hey.

We have shared the incommunicable experience of war.

In our youths, our hearts were touched with fire.

The Civil War was fought in 10,000 places, from Valverde, New Mexico,

and Tullahoma, Tennessee,

to Saint Albans, Vermont, and Fernandina on the Florida coast.

More than three million Americans fought in it.

-This is nice. I feel really comfortable. -Over 600,000 men,

2 percent of the population, died in it.

Yeah, me too.

American churches sheltered the dying...

Let me get you a cab, or we could share? You know, just--

Hold on. It's my aunt.

Is she waiting up for you?

Not waiting up. More like throwing up.

Oh, shit.

All right.

Come back to my place, open a bottle of wine.

I can't. I gotta check on her.

Of course.

You know, I could help.

-Don't worry about that. -Okay.

And besides, I'd like to keep this separate-- Us separate, if that's okay.

Yeah. Hey, think of me as your weekend escape.

Thank you. Okay.

Also free weekdays, so... But no pressure.

Probably just walk it.

What are you--?

Crap, this hurts. How far am I?

Then your knee is facing up, and your toes are facing in.

About three feet.

This girl says she can teach you to do the splits in a day.

That girl is 9 years old, Sylvia.

Cocky little shit.

I'd like to see her do this after 60 years of lying around.

-I want to talk to you about something. -Yeah? What is it?

Well, if I'm gonna have a mastectomy, I'm thinking about getting implants.

Really big ones, like double-Ds, like proper gazongas.

That's what you wanted to talk to me about?

-I wanted to prepare you. -Well, thank you.

Do whatever makes you happy.

So how's it going with Pooper?

Cooper!

It's going great. It was a little bit weird dating Charlie's brother.

But to be honest, I'm kind of glad he ended it.

You're already taking care of one invalid.

I mean, once I found out about his...

situation,

I didn't wanna risk hurting him again, you know?

-Yeah, you were only thinking of him. -And Cooper is so much more my speed.

I mean, he is so much fun.

He makes me laugh so much.

So, what's next on my list?

Here we go.

You wanna go to one of those second-floor Asian massage places near Penn Station

and see if they actually do it. It?

You know... it!

Seriously? Whatever happened to hiking Machu Picchu?

-What hike? I almost died. -You whore!

All right, just breathe.

Give me that!

Oh, you--

Two to you.

You bringing Bethany to Liza's on Thursday? She's dying to meet her.

-I guess so, yeah. You bringing Francesca? -Yeah, probably.

Well, it's a potentially talk-heavy situation.

Did I tell you my newest discovery? Movie dates.

Movie dates have actually been around for some time.

Yeah, because they're amazing. You talk too much, you get shushed.

That's very clever.

I think at some point, you might have to actually talk to the woman you're dating.

Yeah, I guess, especially since we're apparently waiting to have sex.

What?

Yeah. I haven't jerked it this much since high school.

Interestingly, I found I've gone straight back to Mexican telenovelas.

I guess it's because of what happened with you.

Why? What happened with me?

Well, she said she wants to stop using sex as a substitute for intimacy,

or maybe it was the other way around. I don't know. Anyway, it's all your fault!

Yes! Yes!

Oh, shit.

I got you, brother.

I got you.

-You got it? -Yeah. Got it. Yep.

Here we have the Temple of the Great Jaguar or the Temple Ah Cacao.

It's a funerary pyramid from the post-classic, classic period.

Phenomenal. Just phenomenal.

--to you, for sharing.

In 1962, they found the tomb of the great Mayan ruler Jasaw Chan K'awiil.

-This is gonna take a K'awiil longer. -K'awiil me now.

And here, we're moving into the North

Acropolis, which is just beside the Great Plaza.

Do you have any maps? I'm having trouble tracking the layout.

There's a great topographic survey coming up.

Marv, where are the beach pics?

You guys do anything other than climb around old piles of rubble?

All the recreational photos come after the intermission.

-Honey? -What?

Did he say "intermission"?

-We might need to do some shots. -That's what the intermission is for.

Oh, Lord.

Hey, babe.

That's similar to the other pyramids I've shown you.

This is the map to give you a bit of lay of the land. There's Tikal.

-Wake up. -I'm not sleeping.

-You were snoring. -I was not.

Then maybe it was me.

Am I dreaming now?

You'll know if I'm dreaming if I start having sex with Nala from Lion King.

Don't laugh. She was my first crush.

You'll be out of breath around stair four.

So is Belize on 110 or 220 volt electricity?

-One ten, same as the U.S. -Really, in spite of the British influence?

-That's fascinating, really. -Wow, you're not kidding.

You sure are in a good mood today.

-Me? -Yeah.

Yeah, I guess. This was fun.

-Are you on a new med? -No.

I mean, I had a full-strength latte.

-Why do you ask? -Just...

I don't know.

You seemed so happy yukking it up with Francesca

and I was pretty sure you couldn't even talk to her.

That was before that.

And you were like, "Oh, she's staying out there."

So you're not happy at all?

No. No, I guess I'm just unhappy enough.

It's weird. Suddenly, I can be around her.

-And that makes you happy? -Yeah.

Okay.

Cooper's your shoe tack? Come on. Does he know?

No, he doesn't, and I don't want you to tell him because it'd make it weird.

Yeah, that would make it weird.

Is he holding out? Right?

Dude, she's smoking.

I mean, you know that I'm all about the boys, but I--

I would.

-Hey. -Hey. Whoa, whoa, what?

We need to talk.

-Right now? -Yeah.

I can't do this anymore. I'm literally dying from blue balls.

Seriously? Can this wait?

A man has needs, Charlie, and I would think that a woman does too, but...

Did that sting?

-She's having a rough time at the moment. -I know.

I know she is. I know, and I feel for her, I do.

I just don't know that I'm the guy. I don't know that I'm cut out for this, you know?

-We need to break up. -No!

Absolutely not. You're getting along okay otherwise, right?

Yeah.

She's having problems and you are helping a person with her problems.

Don't just throw her away so that we never see her again.

-We? -You.

Yeah, no. No, yeah. Right.

You're saying it's about her, it's not about me.

It's definitely not about you.

Oh, okay.

-I can get to know her better. -That's an idea.

-She is interesting. -Right.

-Does not own a TV. -Get out.

No, really doesn't own a TV.

There you are.

Look at this as a chance to better

yourself. Learn to cook, take tango classes.

Better still, I'll hook you up with a library card.

-Okay. -Right?

Okay. Yeah, this is gonna be good. It's gonna be good.

I read The New Yorker at the dentist. I own corduroys. I can do this!

I have faith in you.

Plus, when we do have sex...

I have less faith.

Yeah.

-Thanks, brother. -You're welcome.

-Couldn't do it without you. -I know.

Sorry. It's the blue balls.

Marvin, thank you so much. That was thorough.

It was my pleasure. And sorry I couldn't get that audio track set up in time.

It's really the groan of the howler monkey that puts you back into the jungle.

-It's like, it's-- -Oh, hey! We're fine. We're fine.

Oh, you know what?

Did you guys ever use those groomsmen's presents we got you?

-No. Not yet. -What is it?

We got them each a night at this B and B in Rhinebeck. And especially for Charlie.

-It's pretty boring out there. -It sounds great.

Anyway, I was thinking it would be kind of fun if you guys all went together.

-Yeah. -I don't-- I don't know.

-Let's do it. We could go apple-picking. -Why not?

-Are apples in season? -Berry-picking.

As long as we pick something, right?

Sounds like fun. I mean, why not, right?

Why not?

-Sure, why not? -Why not?

Why not?

This is it!

-Do you guys see it? -This is it!

-Left. Left. Left turn. Left, left, left! -Oh, here?

-All right, babe! All right. -Oh, thank goose.

-Thank goose. -"Thank goose"?

I'm so relieved to be alive.

-All right. -Apollo 13 had an easier landing.

-Need a hand? -Yes, please.

It's beautiful. I vote we stay here for the rest

of our lives and never get in that car again.

We got here, didn't we? What a bunch of little bitches!

Yeah, little bitches who would like to survive the weekend. Thank you.

Oh, what is this?

It's my cello, in case we want to have a sing-along.

-Can you sing along to cello? -You can do anything you want.

Attagirl. Let me. Let me.

-Would you mind? Thanks a lot. -No, please.

-He's an animal. -Please be careful. It's an antique.

Hey, we'll get this stuff. You guys go check in, huh?

-Yeah. -Yeah, sure.

-You got everything? -Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey.

You sure you're okay with this?

-With what? -With me and Francesca.

-You're acting kind of funny. -Of course. I told you. It's fine.

We went on, what, one date? And half of that in the ER.

-It's in the past. I'm with Bethany now. -Okay.

Good. Because I think this weekend's it.

It?

Yeah.

Congratulations. What's the occasion?

There's no occasion. I'm just getting that vibe she's ready.

Lord knows I've been ready. I tell you I'm off telenovelas?

On to the Food Network. Had a big old week with that Rachel Ray.

That's upsetting. Giada De Laurentiis, maybe.

Really?

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, we're all checked in.

This place is great!

You're gonna love our room. It's like something out of a Nancy Drew novel.

I'm not sure what that means, but...

Is that just little kisses?

All right!

Those two aren't wasting any time.

Oh, gosh, I'm such a skank.

By all means, carry on. I think we're gonna take a nap.

Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait. Already? We just got here.

I actually am feeling kind of carsick too.

Come on. We haven't come all this way just to sleep. Let's go antiquing.

-Antiquing? -Yeah.

-Since when do you antique? -Are you kidding? I love old crap.

Could use another butter churn.

You know, why not? Let's check out the town.

We'll sleep tonight. Let's do it.

We'll just-- Yeah.

What?

Oh, dang. It is muggy. Why didn't we take the car again?

Because Francesca's driving and we value our lives.

It's not my fault New Yorkers drive so slow.

Literally, no one else has ever thought that.

Liza was right.

This place is boring.

Hey, well how about this one?

It says "shop." Phenomenal.

Yeah, I just wish there were more racist lawn jockeys.

What?

You know, I'm about ready to head back.

No way! Is that a trombone that someone turned into a lamp? Amazing.

Oh, my God!

My aunt had a tea set just like this.

Oh, my God, is she an Oompa Loompa?

-Yes, she is. -Good for her.

And this mixer! We had this!

This thing is so loud. It would wake me out of a dead sleep whenever she made pancakes.

Speaking of, anybody feeling snacky? I saw a taco place a couple--

-Did you live with Sylvia growing up? -On and off.

It was really cool being a kid and getting to

come visit your fancy aunt in New York City.

I got to spend an entire summer with her.

It wasn't until later that I realised it was so I wouldn't be around...

to see my mom getting chemo.

-When did she die? -I was 17, senior year.

Super sad.

I dropped out and just started travelling. I wanted to be a million miles from there.

Never really came home again.

Well, I guess Sylvia is my home.

-She sounds like a fantastic lady. -She is a pain in the ass.

But I love her.

-Oh, hey. Charlie? -Yeah?

-Could you give me a hand with this? -I got you, Bethany.

I'm a lot taller.

Look at this sweet baby.

-Do you think we should...? -It's an instrument. It's for playing.

Yeah.

Oh, man. I guess it's broken.

-Oh, wait, look. It's not plugged in. -Yes!

Have you ever seen such a nice display of birds' eggs?

Okay, try it now. Yeah.

All right!

-Hey, I didn't know you played. -Six years with Señora Paredes.

-Hey! Guys! -Do that again.

Guys? That's really goddamn loud.

Look!

Now he comes!

That organ's 50 years old!

The world showed no compassion to me!

Pitiful creature of darkness, what kind of life have you known?!

Did they rehearse this?

Char, come on. Get out of the tub.

-Unhand me, you lout! -Get out.

-Don't touch me! -Get out of the tub!

Never! No!

-Are you gonna stop? -Yes, I will. I'll stop.

I know. I know.

Maybe you need to slow down. I'm not saying anything.

No. You're the one who brought up the librarian convention.

-That's true. -Tell me. What is that like?

You wanna hear about that?

It's like tons of sex, tons of booze,

tons of drugs, all in orthopaedic footwear.

-It is. -More wine?

-More wine. Thank you. That's the secret. -In sensible shoes.

-Yeah, sensible shoes. -Oh, that's good.

Hey, you wanna hear a Charlie story?

He ever tell you that he won the sixth-grade talent show?

This story's no good. You don't wanna hear this.

You're being modest. You had the crowd on their feet.

I want to hear. What was your talent?

Come on, what was your talent?

Tracy Turwell and I did the big scene from Streetcar Named Desire.

-You were Stanley Kowalski? -I was.

-Stella! -Thank you. Sorry, everyone.

-Sorry. -Yes. Yes, no, exactly.

-Thank you. -Yeah, that was fantastic.

-Only... That was two octaves lower. -That was better.

Because Charlie's an 11-year-old boy whose voice has not changed.

So there's a 4 foot, 80 pound kid on-stage screaming, "Stella!"

-Hot. -Wow, thanks.

That's not even the best part.

It is. I made grown men weep. What could be better?

You blew the competition away. That's better.

The girl who played Stairway to Heaven on her

oboe, the boy who did the foxtrot with his mom.

These are true.

But Charlie, the modest boy that he is, sits quietly.

He hears his name called as the winner,

-he practically levitates out of his chair. -Cooper.

-He sprints down the aisle. Come on. -Cooper.

He almost gets to the stage, and right then, bam!

He's out like a light.

He takes a head-first dive into the orchestra pit, splits his head open.

There's blood everywhere, kids are screaming.

Fire trucks arrive.

Long story short, long story short, they cancel class for the rest of the day.

Now that is a talent.

So sad.

Hey, no. God, no.

-No, look, I won. I won. Nice work. -What's the matter with you?

Everybody loved him for it.

Oh, come on.

Sorry.

Hey. Hey.

Growing up, I had this cat named Greg.

He had feline epilepsy.

My brothers had this strobe light that they got from RadioShack,

and they would put it on him to make him have seizures on purpose.

They said he was break-dancing.

God, kids are assholes.

Yeah.

Charlie reminds me a lot of Greg.

Right in here.

I don't know about anybody else, but this walk down memory lane has got me pooped.

What do you say we hit the hay, huh?

-We haven't had dessert yet. -I'm stuffed.

They've got some pretty good ports over there.

Prefer sherry.

Or cello. We haven't had our sing-along.

Greg loved it when I played.

It was the only thing that stopped his seizures.

By all means.

Let's hear some cello.

Another head hangs lowly

Child is slowly taken

When the violence caused such silence

Who are we mistaken?

But you see, it's not me

It's not my family

In your head, in your head

We are fighting

With their tanks and their bombs

And their bombs And their guns

In your head In your head

They are fighting

What's in your head

In your head

Zombie, zombie, zombie

-Now, on to the fun portion of the evening. -I can't walk any more.

-Ready? -Yeah.

Here we go.

This is the speed horse.

You've got my robe?

Yeah, come on.

Perfect fit.

-Baby. -What's up?

Don't get your man musk on it, please.

-Too late. -No!

Make it stop.

Hello there.

Hey.

-Are those deer? -Sexy deer.

Sexy deer. Yeah, they are.

And you're a...

Whatever hungry animal eats deer.

Mountain lion.

A hungry mountain lion.

No. No, much lower.

Less throaty.

What?

Yeah.

-Okay. -Yeah.

-What? -I'm the deer.

Oh, cool.

No, you're supposed to come to me.

-As the lion, right. -Yeah.

Yeah, that's good.

You're really hungry.

-I am hungry. -Yeah.

-Yes! -Get over here!

You ready?

I'm ready.

Are you getting overexcited?

Good so far.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah!

Oh, hello.

It's always the quiet ones.

-Cooper! Cooper! -What?

It's Charlie! It's an emergency.

Come on.

-Charlie. -Oh, my God.

-Charlie! Hey, are you all right? -Yeah.

Yeah, I think I just had a seizure.

-Oh, no. -Just like Greg.

A seizure? Normally, you just go limp.

I guess this time, I had a seizure.

-We should call an ambulance. -No. No ambulance.

That's-- Look, I'm fine. Honestly.

Yeah, you know, Charlie, seizures are deadly serious.

Yeah. You ought to be monitored.

No, because-- Look, Coop, I think it's passed.

Know what? Better safe than sorry. I'm calling.

-No! No! -Yep!

-Yeah, I'm gonna call. -No ambulance! No--

Look at that. I feel better.

Yeah, well, so it seems.

Guess that means we can all go back to bed now.

Yeah, absolutely.

I'm so sorry for the inconvenience.

Come on.

-Feel better. -Thank you, I will. Yeah.

I'm sorry.

For now, I'm gonna have to deny you the booty.

-It's just not safe. -I completely understand.

Hey. All right, easy, tiger.

-Give me a chance to get warmed up again. -Yeah. For sure. Preheat that.

What?

If that's Charlie, I'm gonna wring his neck.

Could be my aunt.

So call her back in five minutes-- Forty-five minutes.

You know, I'm just starting to feel like you don't want me.

Is it because of the tattoos?

Yeah, I regret some of them.

Is this a little bit racist? Yes.

Did I intend it that way? No.

Her scan...

The cancer spread.

Oh, Francesca, I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

This is it.

This is when I lose her.

No.

She's...

She's gonna be good.

Yeah, she is, she's gonna be good.

What's that?

Unbelievable.

I'm sorry. You have an amazing ass.

My aunt is dying of cancer.

It doesn't know that.

Seriously?

I gotta get out of here.

I'm not turned on because she's got cancer.

-Somewhere buried in there is a compliment. -Hey, what happened?

I don't want to talk about it, Cooper.

I should have known.

I brought this.

Thanks.

You don't have to be out here. I can deal with this on my own.

Death and despair are my specialities. You know that.

If she makes a miraculous recovery, then you're on your own.

-You know the constellations? -Please, I grew up in the city.

First star I saw was in the blackout of 2003.

I used to sit outside for hours as a kid, making up my own.

Flamingo with a suitcase.

If you say so.

It's nice to know they'll always be there.

How long does she have?

She might buy some time with chemo...

but it metastasized to her liver, so...

So that sucks.

Anything she's always wanted to do? Climb a mountain? Travel to India?

Fire a rocket launcher at a Dodge Caravan.

What?

Her ex used to drive one.

She's done all that other stuff, you know?

I mean, that's the thing about Sylvia.

She doesn't wait for anybody's permission. She just goes for it.

-She's a badass. -Yeah.

Not a lot of people live that way. I know I don't.

Charlie,

the day you fell,

you said you couldn't be around me anymore, you know?

We've seen each other almost every day since...

and here we are.

Yeah, but this is incredibly depressing.

Come on.

At the antique store today?

I mean, you looked like you were having fun. You were happy.

I wasn't happy. I was amused.

Right.

I was a little bit more than amused. I was happy.

Hey. Hey, Francesca.

-What? -Wait. Please?

Okay, I was happy.

I am happy. I'm happier than I've ever been. And that's because of you.

-You're still standing. -I know.

Shouldn't work, right? I should be flat on my face.

But the thing is, every time I feel it,

the happiness rising in me,

I look at you and Cooper...

and I'm just sad enough.

But I'm dating your brother. I mean, you set us up.

I know. That's why it works.

I don't think we need to be around each other anymore.

Francesca.

Francesca.

Bethany, what are you doing out here? There's bugs, all sorts.

There's something really wrong with you.

Yeah.

I know.

I tried to be upfront.

Not that.

You.

Me?

I am fun, Charlie.

-I'm really fun. -Of course, you are. You're tons of fun.

And I'm also pretty.

I've been told that I'm pretty.

You're beautiful.

You let me think we actually had a chance.

I wanna break up.

I completely understand.

-Hey. -Hi.

Hey, come on in.

-How's Sylvia doing? -She's hanging in there.

-Sunflowers. -Yeah.

They're my favourite.

From a real florist too. Not just Trader Joe's.

Well, now I know I'm special.

What's this?

This is also for you.

-What is it? -That's the thing.

You know, I didn't exactly pick it out.

I just sort of brought--

My aunt's mixer.

You remembered.

Yeah, I sure did.

I love it.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

I'm really sorry that I blew up at you the other day.

It's just--

-It's been so hard. -Yeah.

Hey, you know.

When one loses someone one loves, one has to...

look at one's sense of...

-oneself. -Yeah. Okay.

-Thank you. -Okay.

All right.

-Come on, let's go get you some lunch. -Oh, you know what?

I don't feel like being in a crowded restaurant. Why don't we just order in?

Come on. It's nice out there. We'll find a place with a patio.

I'm really just-- I'm exhausted.

Oh, I thought you'd want to get your mind off your aunt.

I do.

I just can't keep running away from it, you know?

Just gotta deal with it...

so you wanna help me deal with it?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Let's deal with it.

So just lay it all out there.

What do you fear most about your aunt dying?

Okay.

To start...

missing her.

Feeling alone in the world.

Like, I didn't make the best of our time

together, and I'll never have those days back.

My childhood.

I would rather it were me, so I wasn't the one stuck here without her.

She's my best friend.

You know, Francesca...

I should go.

-What? -Yeah.

Where are you going? I poured my heart out.

No, I know.

I know you did, and I encouraged it, so it's just as much on me.

You're being such an asshole!

I know. No, you're right. I am. Just know, I don't feel great about it.

How can you be so thoughtful one minute, and then such a dick the next?

Because...

Because I wasn't really that thoughtful.

I am so sorry. Just-- Bye.

Watch it, shit-bag!

-Thank you, New York. -What'd you just say to me?

Hey.

She loved the mixer.

Oh, yeah? What'd she say?

"I love the mixer."

Good, I'm glad.

All it took was one sad attempt at a conversation to end it.

Couldn't we have just not had that conversation a few weeks ago?

What a waste. All this time, you could have been humping it up.

Why do I keep attracting such vapid men?

Unless, of course, it's the other way around.

They attract me?

Like, I'm into some sort of pheromone in hair gel?

I think you're attracted to what they aren't as much as what they are.

You lost me, Yoda. That's not a dig at your bald head.

Better not be.

Sylvia Torrone?

How you feeling, hon?

A lot better now than I will be in an hour.

Here.

-Face it, Francesca. You're a total fox. -Oh, stop it. I am not.

You know you are, and it is so annoying when you deny it.

Fine, what's your point?

My point is,

men will always want you,

but it takes a special kind of man to love you

and to appreciate just how truly special you are.

You know you gave me that speech when I had a unibrow, right?

Yeah, I was lying then. But this is about Charlie.

He rejected me.

He's just doing what you do, protecting yourself.

This goddamn place.

I know.

-What exactly was your plan? -What?

Help us patch things up and just go on being miserable?

-What makes you think I'm miserable? -Your face.

Your miserable face.

I just thought it would make her happy.

Well, it didn't really work out like that. We broke up.

What? Why?

Because I'm not in love with her and you are.

Charlie does love me.

Did he tell you?

As best he could.

Do you love him?

-How can I? -Oh, Francesca.

You can't keep yourself from loving someone just

because you're afraid you're gonna lose them.

But that didn't stop you from dating her, did it?

No. It did not, and I regret that.

Not because I swooped on you, but because you wanted me to.

What the hell does that mean?

Our whole lives, I have been running interference for you.

I've been taking your hits, I've been watching your back.

And for a long time, I liked that.

I liked being that guy, little bro looking out for big bro.

Whoa, easy. Easy, little bro.

Hey, you know it's true. You know it's true.

I thought I was protecting you, and I wasn't.

-You were using me. -What?

-To hide behind, to manipulate, like I'm some-- -Where is this coming from?

Where's this coming from? You treat me like I'm a big, dumb, emotional battering ram.

And I'm done! I'm done being your emotional battering ram.

-Look, no, you are not my-- -Battering ram.

Whatever that, yeah, look, just get over yourself for one second.

You don't have this shitty disease, Cooper.

You don't live in fear of making a fool of yourself

all the time, or maybe, I don't know, fucking dying.

You get to live your life exactly how you wanna live it, and you still fuck it up!

-Thanks. -You're welcome.

You know what?

Charlie, I know better than anyone.

I know better than anyone how awful this disease is.

You do?

I've seen kids laugh at you.

You understand that? I watched kids laugh at my big brother.

I've seen you be alone.

That sucks, man.

I'm sorry.

There is a point where the disease ends and fear sets in.

Oh, not this.

And it becomes an excuse!

Oh, my God! You just said you understand!

You don't understand that nobody wants to go on a date

with a guy who's gonna end up in the ER as soon as they kiss.

Being in a relationship is about being happy!

-I can't do that! -Yes, yes, you can. You can!

You just have to learn to be okay with what comes next. That's all.

Go, Charlie.

Hey, hey.

-Go get her. -I can't.

-Watch it. -No, you watch it. You understand?

I mean, do you actually understand?

I can't. You can. You can, but I can't.

-You're gonna get yourself worked up. -I wanna get worked up!

Why do I never get to be worked up?!

Take a breath, okay?

Calm down.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Charlie!

You gotta wake up, Charlie! I can't hold on!

Charlie!

Help!

Charlie!

Come on! Come on! Come on!

-Come on. -I got you! I got you!

Jesus.

You all right, shit-bag?

You're all right.

Thank you!

Thank you, New York!

Yeah, okay.

-Okay, what? -I'll go.

-You'll go? -Yeah.

-Sunday morning, after yoga. -Oh, Charlie. No Sunday, no yoga.

You go right now!

-Right now? -Come on!

-What? -Come on!

All right. How do I look?

Terrible. You smell awful.

You're wearing a stupid tiny backpack.

-But you gotta go. -I gotta go.

You gotta go.

Go be happy.

Go be happy.

Answer the phone, Francesca.

Life is for living. Answer the phone.

-Charlie? -Francesca!

Where are you? I've gotta see you right now.

In the hospital with my aunt.

Perfect.

I'm on my way.

That's it. You're doing it! Oh, my God!

I can't believe it! I can't believe it, Stanley! You're walking!

Oh, sit down, Stanley.

All right.

You gotta be kidding.

God help me.

-Charlie! Oh, my God. -Okay.

-Okay. Right. -What--? What happened?

A beautiful baby.

-God. So beautiful. -Here. Have some water.

-That's too refreshing. Yeah. -Okay, sorry.

-Is this Sylvia? -Charlie.

-How you doing? -I've been better.

You said you wanted to see me.

Yeah, God.

Why do you gotta be so lovely?

-You're pretty cute, yourself. Hey. -That's not helping.

-Do you wanna go somewhere more private? -No, this is good.

All right.

Francesca...

-Okay, okay. Here. Here you go. -Thanks.

I can't...

I can't drive with the radio on,

in case anything by The Pointer Sisters comes on and I swerve into a ditch.

I can't walk along any beach where there might be frolicking seals.

I can't eat kettle corn. I can't boogie board.

I can't swim in any body of water that is higher than my chest,

especially if there's some guy playing with his gorgeous golden retriever.

I can't barbeque unsupervised.

I probably can't go to the Grand Canyon,

just based on the pictures I've seen because it's too breathtakingly beautiful.

I would like to have kids.

But they will either have to be boring or spoiled because cute and adorable--

Charlie.

We'll adopt the worst kids we can find.

Oh, kiss, goddamn it!