Original subtitles

It's no secret that things have not been

It's no secret that things have not been

It's no secret that things have not been great in the old US of A lately.

great in the old US of A lately.

great in the old US of A lately. Government shock troops are rampaging

Government shock troops are rampaging

Government shock troops are rampaging through the streets. Billionaires are

through the streets. Billionaires are

through the streets. Billionaires are stripping our last remaining news

stripping our last remaining news

stripping our last remaining news outlets for parts. And I just bought a

outlets for parts. And I just bought a

outlets for parts. And I just bought a pint of raspberries that cost $43. But

pint of raspberries that cost $43. But

pint of raspberries that cost $43. But don't worry, President Trump has an

don't worry, President Trump has an

don't worry, President Trump has an announcement that's going to turn

announcement that's going to turn

announcement that's going to turn everything around.

everything around.

everything around. >> America is back.

>> America is back.

>> America is back. >> There's a new hat we just came out.

>> There's a new hat we just came out.

>> There's a new hat we just came out. America is back.

America, America is back. Thanks for

America, America is back. Thanks for

America, America is back. Thanks for that inspiring halftime speech, coach

that inspiring halftime speech, coach

that inspiring halftime speech, coach team. I know we're down 55 to zero, but

team. I know we're down 55 to zero, but

team. I know we're down 55 to zero, but on the other hand, I made a hat. Hope

on the other hand, I made a hat. Hope

on the other hand, I made a hat. Hope that helps. Good luck in the second

that helps. Good luck in the second

that helps. Good luck in the second half.

half.

half. It's bad enough they release hats as

It's bad enough they release hats as

It's bad enough they release hats as often as iPhone updates, but it doesn't

often as iPhone updates, but it doesn't

often as iPhone updates, but it doesn't even look like Trump's heart is in this

even look like Trump's heart is in this

even look like Trump's heart is in this one. Can someone ask him a fun question

one. Can someone ask him a fun question

one. Can someone ask him a fun question to cheer him up a bit? And please make

to cheer him up a bit? And please make

to cheer him up a bit? And please make sure it's not about a subject that he's

sure it's not about a subject that he's

sure it's not about a subject that he's desperately trying to avoid. A lot of

desperately trying to avoid. A lot of

desperately trying to avoid. A lot of women who were are survivors of Epstein

women who were are survivors of Epstein

women who were are survivors of Epstein are unhappy with those redactions that

are unhappy with those redactions that

are unhappy with those redactions that came out. Some of them entire witness

came out. Some of them entire witness

came out. Some of them entire witness interviews are totally blacked out.

interviews are totally blacked out.

interviews are totally blacked out. >> Caitlyn Collins ackned

>> Caitlyn Collins ackned

>> Caitlyn Collins ackned pay.

pay.

pay. This is supposed to be a fun merch drop.

This is supposed to be a fun merch drop.

This is supposed to be a fun merch drop. Trying to hold the president to account

Trying to hold the president to account

Trying to hold the president to account is really killing the vibe here. Mr.

is really killing the vibe here. Mr.

is really killing the vibe here. Mr. President, why don't you answer the

President, why don't you answer the

President, why don't you answer the question in the dignified and

question in the dignified and

question in the dignified and respectable manner that we've come to

respectable manner that we've come to

respectable manner that we've come to expect.

expect.

expect. >> You know, she's a young woman. I don't

>> You know, she's a young woman. I don't

>> You know, she's a young woman. I don't think I've ever seen you smile. I've

think I've ever seen you smile. I've

think I've ever seen you smile. I've known you for 10 years. I don't think

known you for 10 years. I don't think

known you for 10 years. I don't think I've ever seen a smile.

I've ever seen a smile.

I've ever seen a smile. >> I'm asking you about survivor.

>> I'm asking you about survivor.

>> I'm asking you about survivor. >> You know why? You know why you're not

>> You know why? You know why you're not

>> You know why? You know why you're not smiling? Because you know you're not

smiling? Because you know you're not

smiling? Because you know you're not telling the truth.

telling the truth.

telling the truth. >> Damn,

>> Damn,

>> Damn, >> that is messed up. Um, can I talk to the

>> that is messed up. Um, can I talk to the

>> that is messed up. Um, can I talk to the president alone for just a second? Hey,

president alone for just a second? Hey,

president alone for just a second? Hey, uh, DJ, few thoughts. All right. I don't

uh, DJ, few thoughts. All right. I don't

uh, DJ, few thoughts. All right. I don't know if there's ever a time to tell

know if there's ever a time to tell

know if there's ever a time to tell reporter to smile, but I'm almost

reporter to smile, but I'm almost

reporter to smile, but I'm almost positive it's not when she's asking you

positive it's not when she's asking you

positive it's not when she's asking you about sex trafficking victims.

about sex trafficking victims.

about sex trafficking victims. I mean, EVEN

even if she did smile, would that make

even if she did smile, would that make

even if she did smile, would that make it better? Hey, I'd like to ask you

it better? Hey, I'd like to ask you

it better? Hey, I'd like to ask you about that pedophile ring.

about that pedophile ring.

about that pedophile ring. But to be fair to the president, he's

But to be fair to the president, he's

But to be fair to the president, he's really tired of being asked all these

really tired of being asked all these

really tired of being asked all these questions that he refuses to answer.

questions that he refuses to answer.

questions that he refuses to answer. >> I think it's really time for the country

>> I think it's really time for the country

>> I think it's really time for the country to get on to something else.

to get on to something else.

to get on to something else. >> Yeah. Yeah. Of course you want to move

>> Yeah. Yeah. Of course you want to move

>> Yeah. Yeah. Of course you want to move on to something else. I would too if I

on to something else. I would too if I

on to something else. I would too if I was in the Epstein files thousands of

was in the Epstein files thousands of

was in the Epstein files thousands of times. I feel the same way when the IRS

times. I feel the same way when the IRS

times. I feel the same way when the IRS tries to audit me. Hey guys, I

tries to audit me. Hey guys, I

tries to audit me. Hey guys, I appreciate your interest, but me and my

appreciate your interest, but me and my

appreciate your interest, but me and my business jacuzzi are ready to move on.

business jacuzzi are ready to move on.

business jacuzzi are ready to move on. But you know what? Donald Trump is right

But you know what? Donald Trump is right

But you know what? Donald Trump is right about one thing. There are a lot of

about one thing. There are a lot of

about one thing. There are a lot of other important issues to focus on. Like

other important issues to focus on. Like

other important issues to focus on. Like what exactly?

what exactly?

what exactly? >> The president has announced his

>> The president has announced his

>> The president has announced his intention to build a giant arch across

intention to build a giant arch across

intention to build a giant arch across from the Lincoln Memorial. Wee!

from the Lincoln Memorial. Wee!

from the Lincoln Memorial. Wee! I'm the president. My arch is going to

I'm the president. My arch is going to

I'm the president. My arch is going to fly. And now it's FIGHTING GODZILLA.

fly. And now it's FIGHTING GODZILLA.

fly. And now it's FIGHTING GODZILLA. And now it's telling Barbie to smile.

And now it's telling Barbie to smile.

And now it's telling Barbie to smile. And now it's marrying the Washington

And now it's marrying the Washington

And now it's marrying the Washington Monument. Oh [\h__\h] yeah.

Is that what you guys laugh at? Stuff

Is that what you guys laugh at? Stuff

Is that what you guys laugh at? Stuff like that.

Okay. So the president has decided to

Okay. So the president has decided to

Okay. So the president has decided to spend his time building a giant arch.

spend his time building a giant arch.

spend his time building a giant arch. How giant are we talking?

How giant are we talking?

How giant are we talking? >> The Washington Post reports it could

>> The Washington Post reports it could

>> The Washington Post reports it could stand as high as 250 ft, just 40 feet

stand as high as 250 ft, just 40 feet

stand as high as 250 ft, just 40 feet shorter than the US capital.

shorter than the US capital.

shorter than the US capital. >> Two people say he's grown attached to

>> Two people say he's grown attached to

>> Two people say he's grown attached to the idea despite some architectural

the idea despite some architectural

the idea despite some architectural experts being alarmed by the scale.

experts being alarmed by the scale.

experts being alarmed by the scale. >> I'd like it to be the biggest one of

>> I'd like it to be the biggest one of

>> I'd like it to be the biggest one of all.

all.

all. >> Wow. Get excited, people. Trump is

>> Wow. Get excited, people. Trump is

>> Wow. Get excited, people. Trump is building Washington DC's hottest suicide

building Washington DC's hottest suicide

building Washington DC's hottest suicide destination.

destination.

destination. First off, it's never good when the

First off, it's never good when the

First off, it's never good when the architectural experts use the word

architectural experts use the word

architectural experts use the word alarmed.

alarmed.

alarmed. And secondly, do we need the world's

And secondly, do we need the world's

And secondly, do we need the world's biggest arch? This is how you can tell

biggest arch? This is how you can tell

biggest arch? This is how you can tell Trump doesn't live with Melania

Trump doesn't live with Melania

Trump doesn't live with Melania full-time. Because this is one of those

full-time. Because this is one of those

full-time. Because this is one of those ideas men have when they're home alone

ideas men have when they're home alone

ideas men have when they're home alone for too long. Whenever my wife goes

for too long. Whenever my wife goes

for too long. Whenever my wife goes away, two days into her trip, I'm like,

away, two days into her trip, I'm like,

away, two days into her trip, I'm like, actually, you know, we do need a skate

actually, you know, we do need a skate

actually, you know, we do need a skate park in this living room. I don't

And as for the arch design, it's

And as for the arch design, it's

And as for the arch design, it's basically just copying the Arctic

basically just copying the Arctic

basically just copying the Arctic Triumph. And honestly, if we're going to

Triumph. And honestly, if we're going to

Triumph. And honestly, if we're going to be derivative of France, let's not just

be derivative of France, let's not just

be derivative of France, let's not just settle for their arches. How about

settle for their arches. How about

settle for their arches. How about socialized health care? Or even better,

socialized health care? Or even better,

socialized health care? Or even better, the right to

the right to

the right to Yeah.

Or even better, the right to start a

Or even better, the right to start a

Or even better, the right to start a riot when your boss emails you after

riot when your boss emails you after

riot when your boss emails you after 5:00 p.m.

5:00 p.m.

5:00 p.m. >> But but fine, I guess. Go build your

>> But but fine, I guess. Go build your

>> But but fine, I guess. Go build your arch. Then we can get back to those

arch. Then we can get back to those

arch. Then we can get back to those important issues that you are so eager

important issues that you are so eager

important issues that you are so eager for America to return to. So, what do

for America to return to. So, what do

for America to return to. So, what do you got? President Trump announcing he

you got? President Trump announcing he

you got? President Trump announcing he will shut down the Kennedy Center for

will shut down the Kennedy Center for

will shut down the Kennedy Center for two years for a toptobottom renovation.

two years for a toptobottom renovation.

two years for a toptobottom renovation. >> NO, THE TRUMP is shutting down the

>> NO, THE TRUMP is shutting down the

>> NO, THE TRUMP is shutting down the Kennedy Center for 2 years. But I

Kennedy Center for 2 years. But I

Kennedy Center for 2 years. But I promised my wife we'd go see the

promised my wife we'd go see the

promised my wife we'd go see the Bulgarian National Modern Jazz Dance

Bulgarian National Modern Jazz Dance

Bulgarian National Modern Jazz Dance Company. Damn you, Trump.

Company. Damn you, Trump.

Company. Damn you, Trump. Strange he's doing this now since they

Strange he's doing this now since they

Strange he's doing this now since they already renovated the Kennedy Center the

already renovated the Kennedy Center the

already renovated the Kennedy Center the last time he was president. There can't

last time he was president. There can't

last time he was president. There can't be another reason he wants to shut it

be another reason he wants to shut it

be another reason he wants to shut it down for two years. Right.

down for two years. Right.

down for two years. Right. Right.

Right.

Right.

Right. >> That planned closure is coming after a

>> That planned closure is coming after a

>> That planned closure is coming after a slew of artists canled performances once

slew of artists canled performances once

slew of artists canled performances once the president purged the Kennedy

the president purged the Kennedy

the president purged the Kennedy Center's board, naming himself chairman

Center's board, naming himself chairman

Center's board, naming himself chairman and putting his own name on the

and putting his own name on the

and putting his own name on the building.

building.

building. >> Ah, yeah. He decided to close the

>> Ah, yeah. He decided to close the

>> Ah, yeah. He decided to close the Kennedy Center the same way your friend

Kennedy Center the same way your friend

Kennedy Center the same way your friend who collects dolls decided to become

who collects dolls decided to become

who collects dolls decided to become celibate.

celibate.

celibate. Come on, Trump. You can replace those

Come on, Trump. You can replace those

Come on, Trump. You can replace those performers. There's plenty of great

performers. There's plenty of great

performers. There's plenty of great conservative artists like Nicki Minaj

conservative artists like Nicki Minaj

conservative artists like Nicki Minaj and Kanye West, and I'm sure someone

and Kanye West, and I'm sure someone

and Kanye West, and I'm sure someone else will also have a mental breakdown

else will also have a mental breakdown

else will also have a mental breakdown soon.

soon.

soon. Also, hasn't the Kennedy family been

Also, hasn't the Kennedy family been

Also, hasn't the Kennedy family been through enough? The assassinations, the

through enough? The assassinations, the

through enough? The assassinations, the scandals, spending Thanksgiving with RFK

scandals, spending Thanksgiving with RFK

scandals, spending Thanksgiving with RFK Jr., instead of turkey, I spatchcocked a

Jr., instead of turkey, I spatchcocked a

Jr., instead of turkey, I spatchcocked a raccoon.

But fine, I'll give you the arch and

But fine, I'll give you the arch and

But fine, I'll give you the arch and I'll give you the Kennedy Center. Just

I'll give you the Kennedy Center. Just

I'll give you the Kennedy Center. Just please, for the love of God, stop

please, for the love of God, stop

please, for the love of God, stop building stuff and focus on your actual

building stuff and focus on your actual

building stuff and focus on your actual job.

job.

job. >> The president has shared what he calls

>> The president has shared what he calls

>> The president has shared what he calls the first public rendering of the future

the first public rendering of the future

the first public rendering of the future White House ballroom. The estimated cost

White House ballroom. The estimated cost

White House ballroom. The estimated cost of the project has skyrocketed from 200

of the project has skyrocketed from 200

of the project has skyrocketed from 200 million to now 400 million.

million to now 400 million.

million to now 400 million. >> Oh, that's right. The ballroom. I mean,

>> Oh, that's right. The ballroom. I mean,

>> Oh, that's right. The ballroom. I mean, I I I guess it doesn't suck,

I I I guess it doesn't suck,

I I I guess it doesn't suck, but for $400 million, it's definitely

but for $400 million, it's definitely

but for $400 million, it's definitely not blowing me away.

not blowing me away.

not blowing me away. I mean, who designed this thing? Frank

I mean, who designed this thing? Frank

I mean, who designed this thing? Frank Lloyd. Just All right.

Lloyd. Just All right.

Lloyd. Just All right. >> Architecture slam.

>> Let's sum up how we got here. The

>> Let's sum up how we got here. The

>> Let's sum up how we got here. The president of the United States is in the

president of the United States is in the

president of the United States is in the Oval Office insulting professional

Oval Office insulting professional

Oval Office insulting professional reporters for asking about his

reporters for asking about his

reporters for asking about his administration's mishandling of the

administration's mishandling of the

administration's mishandling of the highest profile sex trafficking case in

highest profile sex trafficking case in

highest profile sex trafficking case in American history. And instead of

American history. And instead of

American history. And instead of answering these questions, he'd rather

answering these questions, he'd rather

answering these questions, he'd rather spend his time on his construction

spend his time on his construction

spend his time on his construction fetish of building his arch, a new

fetish of building his arch, a new

fetish of building his arch, a new Kennedy center, and a giant ballroom he

Kennedy center, and a giant ballroom he

Kennedy center, and a giant ballroom he and his friends can dance in while the

and his friends can dance in while the

and his friends can dance in while the rest of the country collapses around

rest of the country collapses around

rest of the country collapses around them. Or, in other words,

them. Or, in other words,

them. Or, in other words, >> America is back. God, that enthusiasm is

>> America is back. God, that enthusiasm is

>> America is back. God, that enthusiasm is infectious. For more on the president's

infectious. For more on the president's

infectious. For more on the president's makeover of Washington, we go to Grace

makeover of Washington, we go to Grace

makeover of Washington, we go to Grace Coolen Schmidt in the nation's capital.

Grace, please tell me they are going to

Grace, please tell me they are going to

Grace, please tell me they are going to be done with all this soon.

be done with all this soon.

be done with all this soon. >> Absolutely, Michael. After that arch and

>> Absolutely, Michael. After that arch and

>> Absolutely, Michael. After that arch and the Kennedy Center, they're going to be

the Kennedy Center, they're going to be

the Kennedy Center, they're going to be all done.

all done.

all done. >> Great. Few. Awesome. All right. OH MY

>> Great. Few. Awesome. All right. OH MY

>> Great. Few. Awesome. All right. OH MY GOD. This is just the beginning, honey.

GOD. This is just the beginning, honey.

GOD. This is just the beginning, honey. Just you wait till they see what they

Just you wait till they see what they

Just you wait till they see what they got planned. They are going to build a

got planned. They are going to build a

got planned. They are going to build a small statue of Trump to sit on the lap

small statue of Trump to sit on the lap

small statue of Trump to sit on the lap of the Lincoln Memorial.

of the Lincoln Memorial.

of the Lincoln Memorial. Then Trump is going to add a second dome

Then Trump is going to add a second dome

Then Trump is going to add a second dome on the capital because, you know, booby

on the capital because, you know, booby

on the capital because, you know, booby and every name on the Vietnam Memorial

and every name on the Vietnam Memorial

and every name on the Vietnam Memorial Wall is getting Trump added to it.

Wall is getting Trump added to it.

Wall is getting Trump added to it. >> Wait, what? That seems really

>> Wait, what? That seems really

>> Wait, what? That seems really disrespectful. Oh, how dare you say that

disrespectful. Oh, how dare you say that

disrespectful. Oh, how dare you say that about the thousands of Trumps who have

about the thousands of Trumps who have

about the thousands of Trumps who have died for this country.

died for this country.

died for this country. >> Grace, what is the point of all this?

>> Grace, what is the point of all this?

>> Grace, what is the point of all this? Why does he keep building stuff all over

Why does he keep building stuff all over

Why does he keep building stuff all over DC?

DC?

DC? >> Well, Trump is very invested in his

>> Well, Trump is very invested in his

>> Well, Trump is very invested in his legacy. He wants to make his mark on the

legacy. He wants to make his mark on the

legacy. He wants to make his mark on the city's territory so people will always

city's territory so people will always

city's territory so people will always remember that he was there.

remember that he was there.

remember that he was there. >> Mark his territory. You're you're making

>> Mark his territory. You're you're making

>> Mark his territory. You're you're making him sound like a dog.

him sound like a dog.

him sound like a dog. >> Yes, exactly. Donald Trump is just like

>> Yes, exactly. Donald Trump is just like

>> Yes, exactly. Donald Trump is just like a dog. specifically one of those dogs

a dog. specifically one of those dogs

a dog. specifically one of those dogs that got too inbred and now has all

that got too inbred and now has all

that got too inbred and now has all these weird health problems. Like I

these weird health problems. Like I

these weird health problems. Like I didn't even know a dog could get

didn't even know a dog could get

didn't even know a dog could get cankles.

cankles.

cankles. >> Okay. So So he's going to spend his

>> Okay. So So he's going to spend his

>> Okay. So So he's going to spend his entire term putting up buildings around

entire term putting up buildings around

entire term putting up buildings around DC like a dog who pisses all over the

DC like a dog who pisses all over the

DC like a dog who pisses all over the neighborhood.

neighborhood.

neighborhood. >> No. Eventually he will run out of ideas

>> No. Eventually he will run out of ideas

>> No. Eventually he will run out of ideas for buildings.

for buildings.

for buildings. >> Okay. Thank God. Yeah.

>> Okay. Thank God. Yeah.

>> Okay. Thank God. Yeah. >> And then he will actually start pissing

>> And then he will actually start pissing

>> And then he will actually start pissing all over DC.

all over DC.

all over DC. >> Why would he do that?

>> Why would he do that?

>> Why would he do that? >> Because he's a good boy.

>> Because he's a good boy.

>> Because he's a good boy. He is president. Good boy. And that's

He is president. Good boy. And that's

He is president. Good boy. And that's his spot. And that's his spot. And

his spot. And that's his spot. And

his spot. And that's his spot. And that's his spot.

that's his spot.

that's his spot. >> Grace, you can't just pee on everything

>> Grace, you can't just pee on everything

>> Grace, you can't just pee on everything in DC. He'll run out of pee.

in DC. He'll run out of pee.

in DC. He'll run out of pee. >> No. No. He's 80 years old.

>> No. No. He's 80 years old.

>> No. No. He's 80 years old. It's like a water bottle in a hamster's

It's like a water bottle in a hamster's

It's like a water bottle in a hamster's cage down there. There's always a little

cage down there. There's always a little

cage down there. There's always a little bee dripping off the tip.

bee dripping off the tip.

bee dripping off the tip. >> Oh my god, Grace. That's

Grace. That's That's really upsetting.

Grace. That's That's really upsetting.

Grace. That's That's really upsetting. The country's falling apart and the

The country's falling apart and the

The country's falling apart and the president is spending his time lifting

president is spending his time lifting

president is spending his time lifting his hind leg and spraying a fine mist of

his hind leg and spraying a fine mist of

his hind leg and spraying a fine mist of pee all over our beloved capital. I got

pee all over our beloved capital. I got

pee all over our beloved capital. I got to tell you, this is making me

to tell you, this is making me

to tell you, this is making me depressed.

depressed.

depressed. >> Well, you being depressed is making the

>> Well, you being depressed is making the

>> Well, you being depressed is making the rest of us depressed. Could you try

rest of us depressed. Could you try

rest of us depressed. Could you try smiling a bit more?

smiling a bit more?

smiling a bit more? >> Fair.

>> Fair.

>> Fair. >> Hey, Grace Cool and Schmidt, EVERYONE.