Original subtitles

# Oh, what a whopper

# Oh, whoa, whoa What a whopper

# One day he's gonna Come a-cryin'

# What a whopper What a low-down lie

# You told a lie when you Told me you promised me

# Please tell me why Put me out of my misery

# You could've told me The truth to get rid of me

# You told a low-down lie

# Oh, what a whopper

# Whoa, whoa, whoa What a whopper

# One day you're come a-cryin'

# What a whopper What a low-down lie

# You said you loved me And looked me right in the eye

# You shed a crocodile tear When we said goodbye

# I turned around It was you with another guy

# You told a low-down lie...

Hi, girls! Hello, Tony.

Oh, how's the book going? Still at the publishers.

See ya! Bye-bye!

Hello. Hello, Tony.

How's business? All right, my son.

Good.

Yeah, that brings your bill up to three quid!

# Oh, what a whopper

# Whoa, whoa, whoa What a whopper

# One day you're gonna Come a-cryin'

# What a whopper What a low-down lie

# What a whopper What a low-down lie

# What a whopper What a low-down lie. #

Hi, Vern. Hello, Tony.

I saw a couple of fabulous birds down on Kings Road.

Oh, don't tell me. My novel. That's right.

The publishers have turned it down again.

Anyone home?

HAMMER TINKERS Who is it?

I'm looking for Mr Blake!

Mr Blake lives upstairs.

Oh, upstairs. Here, your knocker came off.

It's always coming off. Don't worry about it.

CHUCKLES Oh, yeah.

Do you like it?

I call it The Spirit of Victory.

Oh, do you? You say Mr Blake lives upstairs?

Yes. Oh, thank you. Thank you.

CHUCKLES

SINGS TONELESSLY

KNOCKS AT DOOR Come!

ARNOLD SINGS TONELESSLY

Service!

So sorry. Just dab it on the canvas, will you?

Not there, man! You've covered up one of her best features!

Why? What's it supposed to be?

Good gracious, isn't it obvious?

Daphne in the nude. Oh, so it is! Aye-aye.

There it is again.

I've just been downstairs with the legs.

Oh! You mean The Spirit of Victory.

Yes, it's a bore, isn't it? Well, what do you want?

Oh, yes, of course, yeah. Mr Blake, I want.

Upstairs. Now, if you'll pardon me, I'm inspired.

Buzz off. Righto.

My missus will be very interested

when I tell her I met a painter.

Not just a painter. A flicking painter.

Wha!

Keep going, feet,

and be thankful this ain't the Empire State Building.

Hello.

Hello! Come in.

Here, you're not Mr Blake. You're more like Daphne.

As a matter of fact, I'm Charlie.

Yes, I wouldn't be surprised.

Mr Blake lives... I know. Upstairs.

RUMBLING MUSIC

Can I... Shh!

CLANGS

MUSIC STOPS Did you like it?

What was it? It's a music concert.

All done by electronics. Sit down, I'll play you some more.

Look, I'm in a hurry... It'll only take a minute.

Oww!

And the same to you!

Look, I've had about as much of this madhouse as I can stand.

Who's Tony Blake? I am.

Well, I've got something for you.

Oh, yeah?

An eviction order for non-payment of rent.

And I've got something for you! Your knocker.

BOOMING MUSIC RESUMES

Oh, hello. Did you find Mr Blake?

Yes, thank you.

Oh!

Yet another master gone for a Burton.

Beatnik! Peasant.

Oh, I nearly got ugly.

I hope when they put you out on the pavement it's snowing!

Good morning!

I say! Will you take a look at that?

You think you've got troubles. Why, what's wrong?

They're throwing us out. Oh, capitalist swine!

Well, something's gotta be done.

How much money have we got?

50 quid. Not enough. What other assets?

Well, I've got... Yes, I know.

But we can't see those. No, I suppose not.

There must be something we can sell.

Wait a minute!

How long before you finish your nude of Daphne, Arnold?

Well, it all depends.

If Daphne would only take her clothes off,

it'd take about a week. Can't you do it from memory?

Certainly not. It's been years.

I need a refresher.

Here we are. We can sell this. What is it?

Stuffed duff! They're cheap and quick to make

and we can sell them to the cake shops!

Well, wait till you taste it.

What did you put in it?

Tony, any news about your book on the Loch Ness Monster?

They say it's so long since the monster's been seen,

the public wouldn't be interested.

Why not write to The Times and tell them you've seen it?

Charlie, that wouldn't be any good.

Charlie, for an idiot, you're the brightest girl I know!

Don't overdo it.

Now, look.

What would happen should the monster be seen again?

Your book could sell like stuffed duff!

Exactly.

And if we should get a photograph of it...

What, of the stuffed duff? No, no! The monster!

You can't hang around Loch Ness for the next 30 years!

We don't have to. We'll make a monster of our own!

Look, I can't explain now. I'll see you later.

Anyone for stuffed duff?

Hi, fellas. Hello, Tony.

Hey, look what I've got from the library.

Monsters and Their Habits? Disgusting.

Hey, can you carve me something to look like a monster's head?

Well, don't look at me! CHUCKLES

Yeah, but what with?

Well, I've got some planks and stuff outside.

Do your best. See you later.

Doesn't say anywhere here that a Lancashire hot pot's

supposed to burst into flames.

Well, I should put the top on anyway.

Mmm. Don't want the goodness to escape.

Well, I've got the boys working.

Tony! Tony, I think I've got the opening to my symphony.

Now, you just listen to this.

BUBBLING NOISES

DISSONANT ROARS

It's very nice, Vernon, but it'll never get in the top ten.

Something's happened to the feedback!

It reminds me of the zoo. Like the elephants' mating call!

Elephants' mating call?

Here, that could be the mating call of a monster!

Can you get that sound again? Yeah. I'll try.

FEEDBACK SQUEALS Don't know what I did.

Well, keep trying! No, it's no good.

LOW HONKS

What a wonderful bottom note!

ROARING SCREECH

No, don't move from that position!

SOUND RESUMES

Can you record that? Well, um, yes.

Don't put your hand there. You'll get a shock!

SCREECH AND GROANS

Play it back!

CHARLIE: Don't put your hand there.

You'll get a shock!

SCREECH AND GROANS

Marvellous! Now, will you please tell me what all this is about?

For years, people have been claiming

they've seen the monster.

Well, now, they're gonna hear it! Hey?

Yeah! Start packing your gear. You're coming to Loch Ness!

Oh, now, now, wait a minute.

Well, I can't work all this stuff by myself, can I?

Oh, good! I've always wanted to go to Ireland.

But you can't come, Charlie... Don't argue, Tony.

If Vernon goes, I go! After all, we are engaged.

Are we? Of course!

I keep telling you, Vernon. Do you?

When do we leave? Tomorrow afternoon.

I'll be ready. CLATTER

Dinner up!

Tony, will you just explain to me one thing?

What am I doing up on the Serpentine Bridge

at five o'clock in the morning? You're helping me

take a photograph of the Loch Ness Monster. Remember?

Don't you think you'd better take things easy for a bit?

You think I'm crazy, don't you? Yes, I do!

Get out of... Come on!

This is a good spot.

You know what to do. Yeah, I know.

Put all this together. Here! We've got company!

Oh, that's done it. Yeah.

Well, we better pack it in then, eh?

Not yet, we don't. You get this ready.

I won't be a minute. What are you gonna do, then?

I'm gonna get rid of him!

Good morning, sir.

I suppose you realise the park isn't open yet.

Yes.

Well, in that case, I'm afraid I shall have to ask you to leave.

Go on, then.

What do you mean? Ask me to leave.

Oh. Will you kindly leave the park?

No!

I will not leave this park! Nope!

Care for a worm?

No, thanks. I'm trying to give them up.

They're quite good, you know?

Look, how long are you gonna stay here?

Just long enough to catch

a few rainbow trout for me breakfast.

Trout, in the Serpentine?

Of course there's trout in the Serpentine.

But they're cunning little devils.

When you pull them out, they look like rocks.

But they can't fool me! Ha-ha! Ha, oh, no.

But they can't disguise themselves!

And why not, may I ask? Well...can they?

Look, can you disguise yourself?

Of course, but they're fish! Of course they're fish!

That's why they're in the water, swimming around!

Swim, swim, swimmy-swim in the Serpentine!

That's why.

You didn't get rid of him, then. No.

Well, what now?

We'll have to rely on the smokescreen.

What? What are they? Smoke bombs.

Smoke bombs? But you're not gonna light those off here?

Of course I am!

You can't have a picture of the Loch Ness Monster

with Hyde Park in the background.

It'll look just like early morning mist.

All right, better get the head on, then.

Beautiful, isn't it? Yeah.

Right, get your trousers rolled up.

Why?

Because you've gotta push it out in the middle.

Oh, now, now, wait a minute. Come on, hurry up.

I have to start the smokescreen.

HISSES

Vernon.

Vernon!

Vernon? Yeah?

Oh, there you are. You're all wet!

Yeah, I must be wet to let you talk me into things like this.

Where's the monster? Oh, he's out there somewhere.

There he is, look!

Oh, blast! Didn't you get it?

I've got one. Never mind, that'll have to do.

Right, Vernon. Go get it, boy!

What do you take me for, a water spaniel?

Go on!

SNORES

REEL CLICKS Oh, I've got one! I got one!

Have you? Yes, I have! It's a trout. It's a trout!

SNIFFS Smells like a smoked trout.

I'll get him, the little devil.

Oh. Nope, nope. Go, on, fishie.

Go on, nice, nice little fish.

Come on, quick!

SIRENS RING

Blimey, they've got the fire brigade out!

Quick, let's make a run for it! PLANKS CLATTER

SIREN RINGS

SNEEZES Oh, bless you!

Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub.

You're supposed to be rubbing my chest!

Aw, you'll soon feel better, darling.

Whenever I had a cold,

Mummy always used to use goose grease.

Hey, this isn't goose grease!

Well, it's the nearest I could get!

SNEEZES

Ladies and gentlemen, the Loch Ness Monster.

Ooh. Well, I'm convinced.

It's wonderful! Looks exactly like Arnold!

LAUGHS Don't get personal.

Now do you believe we can fool the world

the monster's appeared again? Absolutely.

Sure! Good.

I'd better go and find us a cheap car.

Vernon, start getting the gear together.

All right. Well, wait.

I'd better send Mummy a wire to tell her where I'm going.

OK, come on. SNEEZES

Bless you!

If I were you, I'd go and lie down for a while.

Oh, it won't do any good.

With all this grease on me I'd keep slipping out of bed.

SNEEZES

SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY

Go inside and have a look. What?

Have a look inside. Oh!

JACKHAMMER RATTLING

No, I don't like it.

Well, look, I've got one over here.

JACKHAMMER RATTLING

Come and have a look at this one.

50 miles to the gallon.

JACKHAMMER RATTLING

I want something a bit bigger! Oh.

I've got the very thing for you.

Get on with it! Come on.

Nice. That's mine. Come on.

JACKHAMMER RATTLING

All right!

FUNERAL MARCH PLAYING

Right. One more journey should do it.

Yup. Cover it up with this.

What are you taking that thing for?

Well, I always read in bed.

They might not have any electricity up there.

CHUCKLES It's a silly question anyway.

Oh, by the way, did you send that wire to your mother?

Yes, ages ago. Good.

Gilbert! Have you done your tie yet?

Yes, dear.

KNOCKS AT DOOR Come in!

Excuse me. This just come, ma'am.

Oh.

Oh!

Gilbert, it's from Charlotte.

"Going to Scotland with Vernon. Hope you understand.

"Wish us luck." Who's Vernon?

That terrible boy she wants to marry.

Marry? Gretna Green's in Scotland!

You think she's eloping? That's romantic.

Romantic. Follow me, we must stop her. Gilbert!

Hurry!

Yes, dear.

Where are we going, then? Chelsea.

Oh, drive carefully! Yes, dear.

They've got some nice little pubs in Chelsea.

The driving seat is in the front!

Yes, dear. HICCUP

HORN HONKS

Forward to Chelsea!

Everything's in, fellas. All set?

As set as we'll ever be. Ready?

Right. Well, off you go! LAUGHS

OK. All aboard!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Aww. For you.

Thank you, Arnold. That's sweet of you.

Well, they seem rather appropriate somehow.

Goodbye, dear. Bye-bye.

Well, away with you now and haste you back.

Thanks for everything, fellas. Good luck!

And bring back a haggis! Safe journey.

Thank you. Bye!

Bye! Bye!

Well, they're on their way. SOBS

Arnold, don't worry. They'll be back.

It's not that. They drove over my poor foot!

FUNERAL MUSIC PLAYS

Good evening.

Oh! You're Charlie's mother, aren't you?

Yes, where is she? Oh, she's gone, I'm afraid.

Gone. Yes.

The hearse left about an hour ago.

Hearse? Yes.

Mind you, we gave her a lovely send-off, you know.

Beautiful flowers, all that. Oh, she's taken a turn.

Madam, would you like a tablet? Goodness, I'm not a medic-o.

Oh, um, help! Hey, what's going on there?

I was just telling her about Charlie.

Which way did she go? We've got to stop her.

Heading for Scotland in a hearse.

Oh! Wait a minute! What am I gonna do...? Oh!

Madam, do wake up.

Oh, goodness, if I'd only got my smelling salts with me.

Where's my husband? Oh, he's gone too, I'm afraid.

Gone to the same place as Charlie.

GROANS Oh, no! Madam, feathers.

I'm allergic to feathers! SPUTTERS

Oop. Policeman ahead. Keep your faces straight.

LAUGHS

It's the only way to travel, isn't it?

Yes.

Now, look here, sir. Where do you think you're going?

Officer, have you seen a hearse go by here?

Well, yes, I did. About an hour ago, yes.

Then I'll have to catch 'em.

Me poor daughter's in it. They've stolen her.

Blimey! Body snatchers!

HORN HONKS

I'm awfully sorry. I didn't realise.

It's all right, we're not on business. Where are you going?

Scotland. Oh, so are we. Jump in!

In the back, Vern. In the back? Why?

Yes, in the back, Vern.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Well, you've got everything else. You must have a name.

Marie Saint-Georges. Oh, you're French, are you?

Oui. I'm going on holiday. What's your name?

Tony Blake. And that's Charlie. Charlotte for short.

And that's Vernon. Hi.

Hello. And you're going all the way to Scotland?

Yes. That's great!

Yes, we're going up to Loch Ness to see about a...

Hey! CHUCKLES

Well, what he meant was we're undertakers, you see,

and this is our staff outing.

Well, you don't look much like undertakers.

Funny you should say that. Everybody says that about us.

Yes, they call us the Merry Morticians.

Must've taken the wrong turn, then.

Ah. What's that?

"Fork right for the North."

ENGINE ROARS

I don't know what it is but I'm right in it.

So we convince everybody the monster's appeared,

the book sells and we all go on living in Chelsea!

That sounds very good. Hey, could you use some extra help?

We could use some extra money. Have you got any?

A little.

Welcome to the club. You're in.

BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS

Hey, listen! We're there!

Scotland! Edinburgh!

Glasgow! Cardiff!

THEY LAUGH

Where are we staying at Loch Ness?

I hadn't thought about it.

Well, a friend told me about

a little inn called The Claymore.

The Claymore? Yes. She says it's beautiful.

What are the owners like?

Oh! The nicest, sweetest, kindest people in the world.

OFFICER: You're the most crooked,

villainous pair of scoundrels

in Scotland. I know you've been poaching salmon

and, by golly, I'll prove it if it takes the rest of my life.

Salami. That's a nice thing to say about somebody, that is.

Aye. You can't go around

insulting law-abiding citizens.

Certainly not. We could have you

in court for defamation, mate.

I know what I'm doing.

We're respectable businessmen! Calling us poachers, indeed.

Well, I'll be watchin' ya.

Cheek. Liberty.

Here. Shove these in the freezer, quickly.

When's the buyer comin' up from London?

Sometime today, I think. What's he like?

I don't know. I haven't met him.

I hope he's honest.

Me too. But my mate in London says he's a good lad.

Well, there it is. Oh, it's beautiful!

I say, what a marvellous view.

It's lovely. Now, let's check. Marie?

I go in and book a room.

One at the back and I don't know you.

Why can't we have two rooms?

We've only got enough money for one.

I've gotta use our spare cash for buying drinks,

entertaining and so on. Vern?

Oh, when Marie gets to her room,

she opens the window and we pass all our gear up to her.

Good. And I'll go in the bar

and give the impression I'm a big spender.

Right. This is it.

OK, Vern. Put it round the back. I'll see you around.

Ah! Good morning.

Good morning. I would like a room, please. One at the back.

At the back? Oh, well, we have rooms at the back, of course,

but would you not prefer one at the front?

At the back, please. It'll cost you just the same.

Thank you.

Perhaps you'd like to register.

Believe me, it's a long, hot walk up here

just to bring one man his letters.

You know...

BOTH: ..this is one of the steepest hills in Scotland.

Yes, I know.

May your kilt never go short. Right. Let's have the letters.

Oh, there's no letters today.

But it's still a long, hot walk up here!

And I thought I was a fiddler.

Well, then, you ain't.

Morning, sir. Ah! Landlord!

Hoots, man. And very a thirst. Scottish expression.

You just arrived? Yes.

Drinks for everyone in the bar. Thank you, sir.

I'll have a whisky. I thought you were leaving.

Same for you, sir? Yes, I will, thank you.

Uh, no, not just at the moment, thank you.

Half a crown, thank you. Ta.

May your kilt never grow short.

And may your knees never grow knobbly.

Well, sir, I know you're a rich English tourist

and I'm only a poor, underpaid, penniless postman,

but would you like a drink on me?

Or would you rather not?

Thank you very much! Landlord!

Oh, well, there's my wee wife. Oh, you'll have to excuse me.

NERVOUS CHUCKLES Will you be here tonight, sir?

Yes. I'll look forward to buying you another drink.

Bring some of your friends along.

I'll do that! OK.

You're gonna have the whole of the loch here tonight.

That's good.

Hello.

Is it the Statue of Liberty you think you are?

Yes, well, I expect you think this a bit strange,

but I can explain.

You're English, aren't you? Yes.

That's explanation enough.

You know, I think he thinks we're potty.

Vernon, this is not the place to do your party piece.

GROANS

You up here for a holiday, then?

Sort of. Business and pleasure, you know?

Suppose you'll be doing a bit of fishing while you're here?

Fishing? No, I don't think so. Mind you,

there's nothing I like better than some nice fresh salmon.

On the other hand,

there are much easier ways of getting it than fishing.

Yeah, I'm sure there must be.

From London, are ya? Yes, drove all night.

Well, it's safer that way, isn't it?

Yeah.

Why don't you take a little walk around

and I'll have everything organised

by the time you get in. OK.

He's arrived. Who, the bloke for the salmon?

Yeah.

That must be his hearse round the side.

Hearse! Aye.

Blimey, that's brilliant, innit?

Who'd ever think of looking for him in a hearse?

Oh, there's no doubt we're dealing with very clever people.

Yeah. You're go and tend to the bar. I'll load the fish.

Come on, Grace. All right, Mr Harry.

Come on, dear. Take it steady. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Hang on, Vernon! I'm gonna fall!

Oh! Come on.

Just take it nice and easy.

If you wanna get fresh with me, Vernon,

wait till I'm in the room!

There's another couple. We'll need another load.

There we go.

Here's a little one.

You're a big help!

Am I? Yeah!

Ah-ah. You're a big girl, too.

Tony?

Everything all right in the bar?

You haven't bought a load of salmon, have ya?

The hearse is full of them. Salmon?

Can't be salmon. They're out of salmon.

Well, in that case, they're probably poached.

Poached?!

But what if somebody should find them?

They're putting some more in! What?!

Hey, I'm not having this.

No, Tony.

You're not supposed to be here. Oh, no.

Wait till they're finished.

One more.

There we are, that's the lot. Cover them up.

OK.

Mr Harry! It didn't hurt, did it?

THEY LAUGH Oh!

They're gone.

I've got them. I'll bring the Sergeant.

Right, he's gone. Come on, quick.

Hey, officer, have you seen a hearse pass this way?

Aye, there's one up at the hotel up ahead.

Are you interested in what's in the hearse, then?

Oh, very. But I don't want the police to interfere.

It's purely a private matter. Good mornin'.

Private, is it? We'll see about that.

She's gone. Off you go.

There's a car coming!

There you are.

Blimey, what's this? Boat Race night?

Hey, landlord. What do you know about that hearse outside?

Hearse? Yes, hearse.

Oh, nothing, sir. The driver's gone for a walk, I think.

Oh, then, I'll wait. Give me a bottle of Scotch, will ya?

To take away? No, to drink here.

Well, what are we gonna do with it?

I don't know, but let's get 'em out of here.

Hey, Vern, this'll do. We'll put 'em in there.

That's better. Do me a favour, will you?

Fill my hip flask up for me.

Certainly, I will. Thank you.

LAUGHS

There. That's the lot.

Right. Let's get back upstairs.

I hope this isn't a wild goose chase.

Ah, well, you'll see.

There. Where?

They were here! I smelt them with my own nose!

Oh, you idiot.

I only wish you had a higher rank so I could demote you.

But, Sarge, I tell you!

You great loon! You daft, big dope!

Sarge! They're here.

Well, well, well. Aye, well, I told ya, didn't I?

Well, who's the idiot now? Who's the daft, big dope now?

Oh, it's just lucky you've got a hooter like a bloodhound.

Go and have a word with the owner of the car.

Aye. Yes.

Mr Jimmy!

There he is. That's him.

Good day, gents. What we gonna have?

We're on duty. Is that your car outside, sir?

Yes.

Well, then, I'd like to ask you a few questions.

And remember, anything you say may be taken down.

Trousers. THEY LAUGH

Very good. This is a good one!

He said... and I said "trousers"!

I've been waiting all my life

for a policeman to say that to me.

Perhaps, sir, you'll be kind enough to accompany us

to your car and explain how

it came to be filled with salmon.

Salmon? Come along, sir.

But wait a minute. You can't go looking in people's cars!

Come on, sir.

It's not legal... It's...

It's not right!

SLURS SPEECH Hey, just a minute, old soul.

INDISTINCT MUMBLING

Anyway, I don't like policemen.

There's absolutely nothing in my car.

Then how do you account for this?

What?

There's something funny going on here.

Funny? I'm laughing my bloomin' head off, mate.

LAUGHS Come here.

Listen. A car full of salmon can't just vanish

into thin air. No, you're right.

It must be around here somewhere.

The police! Oh, for crying out loud!

They were in the car, and the hearse.

Aye. Saw them myself.

So why don't we work it out by a process of reduction?

They're away! Oh, thank goodness for that.

Should I put them back in the freezer?

No, no, no!

If the police come back,

that's the first place they'll look!

Now, I must think of some place else to hide them.

But where, though? I know.

We'll stick them in one of the bedrooms.

There, that's it.

Good. Let's get some rest whilst we can.

Yes. I'm quite tired.

In here, Mr Jimmy!

Not that one! That one's taken.

Oh.

Go in number five.

Somebody's coming. Quick, outside.

There's someone out there!

I tell ya, it's around here somewhere.

ALL CROSSTALKING

They're just standing there!

Hurry. I'll pretend I'm getting ready for a bath.

That'll keep them out. It wouldn't keep me out.

That's funny. What's funny?

There's a man down there that looks exactly like Daddy.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Got a car like Daddy too.

It is Daddy! I thought it was!

What's he doing here? If I know him,

he's most probably making a personal appearance

to all the distilleries. GASPS

Crikey! What?

What if he thinks we've run away together?

Well, then, don't let him see you! Get down!

Vernon!

MUFFLED PROTESTS

You can come out now. They've gone.

I said, you can come out.

And we're not finished with you yet!

It's persecution, that's what it is.

I'll have the law on you!

We're on to something here.

I think we'll keep it under surveillance.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't we keep a watch on the place?

Well, that's it.

I would love to get my head down for an hour.

Well, you'll be comfortable in here, sir.

CLATTER

Well, why didn't you tell me?

Well, I didn't get the chance. I haven't seen you.

We'll have to get them out of there.

Excuse me. I don't like to complain

but that room seems to be occupied by someone's fish.

Fish? You're jokin'.

Oh, he must've been seeing things.

Yes, come on. Come on round here.

Now, just a minute. I tell you I saw them.

Yes, all right, mate. You'll be all right in here.

I've been trying to tell you. The real buyer rang up.

He's been delayed! Oh, no! Now what?

CHARLIE ON RECORDING Don't put your hand there.

You'll get a shock! Hey, that's me!

It's just after that we have the track of the monster.

Vernon? Mm?

Here a minute.

Look.

The castle seems as good a place as any

to park the loudspeaker.

You got enough cable to reach that?

Oh, yeah. Sure. Well, um,

I'll run down with the wire and come back for the speaker.

Charlie, you hang on to that. Oh, OK.

Now keep out of sight as much as possible, Vernon, will you?

Off you go.

Ah!

Ah, how do you do? Lovely evening!

Perhaps you'd tell me what you're doing, sir.

Well, I'm walking. Pulling the old wire.

I love walking.

That wouldn't be a fishing line

you're taking down to the loch, would it?

This? Oh, well, no. Actually, this is a...

Well, you see, I have a terrible sense of direction.

I'm always getting lost. Huh.

Never go out without it.

And if I get lost, I just have to follow it back again.

Very clever. Now, where has the hotel gone?

Ah. There it is. Nearly lost again, you see?

Oh, well.

That's a lot of nerves, sarge,

but I think they're beginning to crack.

That one certainly is. Come on.

Vernon! I tell you, there's a couple of policeman outside

and I can't lay the cable till they are out of the way.

Oh, we haven't got much time here.

Wait a minute. I know.

We'll draw them off. Come on, Marie.

Now, as soon as you see the coppers move off,

get your table laid, right? Right.

What are we going to do?

THEY LAUGH

Look!

That's Tony Blake! If he's here, so is Charlie!

Look!

Let's follow them! Aye. Look!

There's something big going on tonight. Come on!

They're still after us.

I think it's about time we lost them.

OK. In here, quick!

Is it safe to start back?

No, we'll just give them a minute.

Is it safe now? Yes.

I'm not too sure you are, though.

I'm sure I'm not. Come on.

WOMAN: Oh!

THUDS Oh, I say,

I really, really am most awfully sorry. I didn't...

Oh, carry on! Thanks very much.

But I...

Well, this is it. I hope it works.

It will. Now, I'll go into the bar

and start building up the atmosphere.

Yes.

And you organise the signals, OK?

Good luck, darling.

CHATTER

Evening! Evening.

Ah! Hello, sir.

Ah. Will you do me a drink?

Ah, well, I am a bit dry. Now, let me get this one.

Perhaps you'll all join me!

EAGER CHATTER

Hello, Vernon.

Well, I've fixed the speaker, but how do I know when to start?

I'll wave to Charlie, then she'll let you know.

All right? Come on, Charlie.

Good luck. Charlie?

Well, here's to you, Mr... What did you say your name was?

Blake. Here's to Mr Blake!

ALL: Here! Cheerio!

45 and six, thank you. He's very nice.

Quite clear? Yes.

No, no, Charlie. That way!

And with my own eyes, I saw him drink eight bottles of whisky.

And the following morning, he had no hangover at all.

Who was that? He was still unconscious.

THEY LAUGH

You ruined the story. LAUGHS

Well, you never stop telling it.

Mind you, there's some fair old drinkers in England.

Oh, I don't doubt it.

The only difference is that down there

they see pink elephants.

Up here you see monsters.

Are you suggesting that the monster isn't real?

Well, let's face it. In this day and age, a monster?

Ach, Mr Blake, it's real!

Why, there are men in this very room that have seen it!

Ah. And I'm one of them!

Three times I've seen the beast, sir.

Right, tell him about it, Postie.

Well, if you say so, but... I do say so!

And a terrible sight it was.

A yellow mist hung over the waters.

And a great, brooding silence filled the loch.

Go on. What then?

Charlie! The signal!

The signal! GASPS

Now!

No breath of wind stirred the air.

And as I looked towards the black waters, I saw it.

Its terrible head risin' slowly and turning towards me.

Its jaws opened...

SCREECHING ROAR

Oh, golly, what was that? What was it?

Heaven help us. It sounded terrible fierce.

You don't think it was the...? Aye, sir.

You've heard the Loch Ness Monster.

GASPS Jimmy, I need a drink.

We all do. And I'm paying!

Well, that's something else that hasn't been heard before.

SCREECHING ROAR

What the devil is that? I don't know.

Had we not better get after our man now?

Oh, yes. Well, uh, I... You better get after him.

Are you not coming? Well, no, no.

I'd better get back to the station.

Well, you carry on. Cheerio, now.

SCREECHING ROAR

CHATTER Goodnight, Harry!

There's no doubt about it, it was Nessie, all right.

Aye. It was herself.

You should've kept the bar opened, Harry.

You're joking. It's against the law.

You go to bed. Ta-ra! Goodnight.

It was marvellous! Did you see Postie's face?

It was a picture.

She's going upstairs with him.

Aye.

Ah, did you ever see anything so brazen?

They'll be giving the place a bad name.

It's not that that worries me.

She's only paying for a single room.

Oh!

And they really thought it was the monster?

Yes! They're certain.

Certainly scared the pants off me.

Charlie, don't exaggerate. Why?

Oh, well, never mind. Well, anyway, that's the first part of it.

Let's get some sleep, shall we?

Boy, can I do with it.

KNOCKS AT DOOR Uh, who is it?

JIMMY: It's only me, miss. Can I come in for a moment?

Certainly not! Shh!

What did you say?

Just a minute. I'm getting ready for bed.

Are you respectable? Of course I'm respectable!

Yes? Well? It's just that I wondered

if you'd like your breakfast in bed tomorrow?

Well, yes, that would be fine.

Say five o'clock?

Five? I suppose you know best.

What are you doing? It's safer like this.

You wouldn't like any monsters climbing in, now, would you?

Ah! Oh!

STAMMERS Goodnight, miss.

It's been nice seeing ya.

Marie, open up!

He's locked it.

Oh, blimey. It's cold out here!

Wait. I'll get you a scarf.

This is a big help. I'm sorry, darling.

Never mind. See you in the morning.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

Thanks.

Well, what are we gonna do now?

Don't worry! There must be some kind person

who will put us up for the night. Come on!

MAN: What! Excuse me.

WOMAN: Ooh! I'm very sorry.

Come on, Lorna. It's busier here

than Sauchiehall Street on a Saturday night.

I don't think we'll be disturbed here, Lorna.

I hope not.

CHARLIE: Don't put your hand there, you'll get a shock!

I never touched you, Lorna! I never said you did.

ROARING SCREECH

SOUND STOPS

NIGHT BIRDS CALL

Why can't we get rooms at The Claymore?

Cos we haven't got enough money, that's why.

Oh, good evening, sir.

We're hikers and we wondered if we could stay here tonight.

Aye. You're welcome.

No, we meant inside. Oh, why didn't you say so?

Come in.

Thank you. Very kind of you, sir.

Oh, what a charming little place you've got here.

I'm a MacDonald. You're no Campbells, are ye?

No, no!

Terrible people, the Campbells.

Terrible people.

We've been feuding with them for centuries.

I hate them, do you hear me?! I hate them!

Ah!

Oh. But you're no Campbells, you say.

No, we're, no... Er, not. I'll take you to your beds.

The married couple can sleep in there

and you'll have to share a bed with me, laddie.

WHISPERS Hey!

I can't go in there with Charlie!

Well, she can't go in there with MacDonald. Get in!

Well, here we are. Yes.

Well, you take the bed.

I'll, uh, I'll sleep here on this chair.

Oh, no. You've been doing all the running about, Vernon.

You have the bed. No, no, no. That's all right.

I'll be quite comfortable here.

SIGHS

It's a lovely bed, Vernon. Good. I'm very glad.

Come and try it! SPRINGS SQUEAK

Come on, Vernon. MUFFLED NOISES

How long have they been married?

Oh, they're not.

What? Long! Not long.

Oh. Oh, I see.

You'd better sleep up against the wall, laddie.

Oh. All right.

Are you comfortable? Yes, thanks.

Warmest I've been all day. Well, goodnight.

Goodnight.

SIGHS

SNORES

GRUMBLES

CLATTER

Ooh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Oh.

Vernon, I do wish you'd come and lie down.

Ah. I'm all right here. Really.

The Campbells are coming!

Take cover!

SIGHS

Now, come on, Vernon. On the bed.

Hey! Hey, I can't sleep here. Why not?

Because I can't sleep here! Oh, Vernon.

But, look... Darn it!

CLATTER

After them, boys!

Whatever you're doing, stop it. We're leaving.

What's happening? Where are we going?

What are you doing? Shh.

GLASS SHATTERS The Campbells are here!

Come out and fight!

HE SHOUTS

What now? I don't know.

A hotel full of empty rooms and... Hey, wait.

What? That window next to Marie's.

Leave this to me.

Blast, it's locked!

Well, wake Marie. She can open it.

Marie.

Marie.

Marie.

What is it, Tony?

Nip into the next room and unlock the window.

All right.

Well done. Good girl. What's going on?

Let's go to your room.

Oh! I'm sorry. Now, don't scream!

I wasn't going to. Oh.

Thank you, thank you. Bye. Excuse me.

Get in quick, Vernon. I can't. The door's locked!

It can't be. Well, it's stuck!

Let me have a go. Quick. DOOR LATCH BANGS

HARRY: What's all that banging around?

Someone's coming! DOOR RATTLES

Oh, you came back! Yes. Uh, no!

THUMPING ON DOOR

Quick, the front door!

What was all that noise? I don't know.

Perhaps it's somebody trying to knock off our salmon.

Thieving swines.

I'll go and make sure the front door's locked.

Yeah. I'll check the back.

Here. The front door wasn't locked.

I know I locked it.

But you couldn't have done because it was open.

Do you think there's any funny business going on in there?

Oh, no. She's a nice wee lassie. Is she?

I think we'd better stay up for a bit.

I'll go and get us a drink. I could do with one.

BIRDS CHIRP

It's five o'clock, miss. I've brought your breakfast.

It's a lovely morning.

Are you awake, miss? I'm up!

Would you like your tray in your bed?

Oh, no, no, no!

Are you sure you're all right?

Um...fine, thank you.

Well, don't let your tea get cold.

Will you be taking a bath?

No, sir, certainly not.

Very well.

Tony... Er, Tony?

You can come out now.

SIGHS

Come on, girls.

Oh. Oh, what a night!

It's so cold!

I'll never look another packet of frozen food

in the face again. I had a terrible night.

You're joking, of course!

Well, we'll all feel better when we've had some tea.

Aw. We can always add water. And there's still the food.

Food.

Shall I carve, old chap? Food. I've gotta have food.

All right, Vernon. Steady on, steady on.

Tony, I'm starving! All right, all right!

Just hang on a second while I share it out.

I tell you what, give the locals a quick blast of the monster

while I'm doing it. Oh, all right.

Oh, I'm hungry!

ROARING SCREECH

Pardon.

ROARING SCREECH

BOTH: Ah! Look!

COWS MOO

You certainly made a good job of that plate, Vernon.

Good job? It was a willow pattern when he started.

It's nearly half past five, Tony.

Yeah, we better get going. Vernon?

One more blast of the monster.

Make sure everybody's heard it.

PLATES CLATTER

Thanks.

ROARING SCREECH

Campbells, I'm ready for you!

HE SHOUTS

I still don't see why you have to go through all this bit

with the camera! Charlie.

Because if the locals think they've seen me taking a picture,

they'll have no doubts when we show them

the photo we took at the Serpentine. You understand?

No, but don't explain any more. You'll confuse me!

Vern? Come on, hurry up!

Marie will have the crowd down here in a minute.

I'm being as quick as I can!

Is it cold, Vernon?

I don't know. I've lost all sense of feeling.

Oh, you're doing fine, Vern!

Are they all right? I don't know.

The monster's supposed to be fairly heavy.

The footprints would be a bit deeper than that.

How would it be if I climbed on Vernon's back?

That would make him heavier! There's a good idea, Charlie.

Oh, no, wait a minute. Right!

Oh, no, now, please, don't... Up!

Oh! That's better.

It's all right for you. Now, you sure you're all right?

Perfectly! It's no trouble at all!

Good. Off you go then, Vern.

Come on, come on! Oh, really!

Now, keep along the edge of the loch.

Whenever you come to a sandy beach, step ashore.

Tony, they're coming! Many of them.

They will see Vernon. Vern! Get out!

I'm going as fast as I can! Never mind! Get out!

Go on!

Oh, good. Right. Here we go.

CROWD CHATTER

Can you see anything? Out there.

Where? Where!

Out in the mist!

You've got better eyesight than I have, laddie.

I can see it, there it is! You're right, Jamie!

Yonder is its head peeking up! Oh, look, it's going down!

No, no! It's still there, I see it!

Look at the size of it. Ack, man, it's huge!

I cannot see a thing.

Aw, it's away, all right.

Yes, it's a pity you weren't here a bit earlier, Postie.

You would've seen it. But I did so see it!

Ach!

Yes, but it was a bit misty out there.

Aye, but there was no mistaking it.

It was the beast here without a doubt.

Now, do you think the monster's an old wives' tale, Mr Blake?

No, no, I'm convinced now. I'm sorry I doubted you.

That's better.

In fact, I've even got a picture of it.

SCREAMS

What in the name of boots was that?

What is it? Where's the monster!

Look! CHATTER

You nearly made me believe there was something out there.

Very good.

Well, I had psychology on my side.

They wanted to see something. Shh. They're coming.

Man, I've never seen anything like it.

No!

Did you say you had a photo, Mr Blake?

Yes. I was just going back to the hotel to develop it.

Are you coming? Why not?

I've had enough. Let's try sitting down.

Why don't you treat me more gently, Vernon?

Good heavens, a flying fish.

Charlie!

Vernon, it's Daddy! What?

Oh, no! Quick!

Charlie!

Charlie, come back!

Charlie, I demand you come back.

I order you to come back, Charlie.

Charlie!

Vernon! Charlie, come back!

Ah!

Oh, botheration.

CHATTER

Same again, Jimmy? Aye, just the same.

GRACE: It's all very well. I know it's exciting.

Two pints. And a...

No, I'm sorry, sir. No, we're quite full up.

I said, no.

I don't care if you're the Prime Minister.

Well, I beg your pardon, Mr Macmillan,

but we really are full up. Hmm.

PHONE RINGS

What's going on here?

We're getting ready for the tourist trade.

Yeah? We're gonna make a fortune

and all it costs is mud, weeds and water.

Look at that. Good, innit?

Aye, but I think you might have phrased it better.

Oh, never mind about that. This is just the beginning.

What are you gonna charge?

30 bob each, tenner back on the bottle.

REPORTER: You'll know by this time, I expect,

that the famous Loch Ness Monster has been seen again.

I've hurried up here to the spot to find excitement tense,

and I'm hoping to talk to some of the people

who actually saw the beast.

I saw the whole thing very clearly!

Well, as a matter of fact,

I got the best view of the beast.

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

Hello. They're starting a punch-up.

But they're going mad! Look at that.

Does your heart good, don't it?

Nothing like a right old punch-up for working up a thirst.

It's good for business, isn't it? Good? It's marvellous, mate!

SHOUTS

Give the man a chance! Give him a chance.

CROWD FALLS QUIET

But there's more than just excitement here today

on the quiet shores of Loch Ness.

There's a sobering sense of foreboding

as people remember that...

..a sobering sense of foreboding

as people remember the ancient prophecy,

that the appearance of the monster spells doom and disaster.

YELLING

Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

You're doing a great job out there, Mr Mitchelmore.

Get in there! See that? They're loving it!

Everyone is gonna make a fortune.

ARGUING Are you out of your mind?

These peaceful country folk, beneath their Celtic reserve,

are full of fears for the future.

They're not the only ones. SHOUTS

All we need now is that photo to clinch it.

Yeah, well... How long's it going to be?

Well, it won't be long. It's in the tank now.

Great. Great, boy!

We'll give them another half an hour,

then we let them see it.

Right. I hope Vernon and Charlie get back in time.

I wouldn't like them to miss it.

All right, Charlie? Yes!

GIRLS CHATTER

Shh! Shh! We must be very quiet.

We're getting near the loch.

There's something moving in that bush, teacher.

Shh! Wait a minute.

GASPS Good afternoon.

SCREAMS

Back that way, quick! Quick! Did you see the monster?

Never mind what I saw. Keep moving.

GROANS

They seem to be drying out nicely, Charlie.

They should be ready in... THUNDER RUMBLES

Oh, no!

Where'd you put the photograph, love?

It's on the table.

I can't see it. That's where I put it.

That's strange. Try your pockets.

Look in your handbag.

It's not here. Maybe it's in the wardrobe.

No. I'll try the dressing table.

Well, gentlemen, it's nearly four o'clock.

And the bar's been closed for an hour.

THEY LAUGH

Hey, what time did Blake say the picture'd be ready?

That's just what I mean. Four o'clock.

Right, let's go.

I'm dying to see this. So am I.

TONY: Come in.

What's been going on in here? Never mind about that.

You got the picture? Oh, the picture! Yes.

Oh, good. Where is it?

Uh, well, I'm afraid I've got a bit of a disappointment for you.

You see, it didn't come out. Didn't come out?

No.

What do you mean, it didn't come out?

You said that you had a perfect picture!

Yeah, well, I thought it was.

Blimey, we've all been counting on this!

Oh, I'm sorry. And you should be!

Well, you know, what can I say?

You ought to be ashamed of yourself,

getting us all worked up and excited for nothing!

Well, look...

The people are gonna be very sorry about this.

It would have attracted a lot of trade to the district.

Well, look...I'm sorry. Look, I know what I'll do!

I'll get another one. SIGHS

He said it didn't come out, but I don't believe he got one.

No. Aye, just another big rumour.

Right. See you in the morning.

Sorry, gents.

How about doing a write-up on the hotel while you're here?

No, no news value.

You'd be amazed what goes on here, mate.

CHUCKLES Pity about the picture.

We could keep this going for days.

Aye, well, so long. Cheers.

The boom didn't last very long, did it?

Yeah, well, back to watering the Scotch.

SIGHS Aye.

BIRDS CHIRP

You poor wee things. How long have you been wandering?

Well, it feels like a month,

but it's probably only a couple of weeks.

Aye, aye, well,

you must get dry before you put your clothes on.

Would you look at that! What is it?

It's those two again!

Constable Doone and the man in evening dress.

They've been chasing around the loch all day.

Ah!

PANTING

Well, I thought I'd lost you back there.

No, I...I was following the trail of empty hip flasks.

All right, I give up. What's the charge?

The charge is...you broke...

SOBS I can't think of one.

Oh, no. Don't upset yourself. Have a drink.

You know, Charlie,

I never noticed before, but you're very pretty.

A little effeminate, perhaps, but very pretty.

Darling!

I didn't think you even realised I was a girl!

Oh, yes, I did.

Ah!

Aww. What a shame.

Aw, well. Not to worry.

Now, where were we? Oh, yes.

Vernon! We really...must be... getting back!

Yes. I suppose you're right.

Oh, sorry.

Charlie? Yes?

Uh, you did say we were engaged, didn't you?

Yes.

Well, uh, what's to stop us getting married?

Darling! When?

Well, how about, um...

Charlie! The photograph! The monster!

Oh! We'd better hurry. What about my trousers?

Oh, you look all right.

All the men go around like that in the South of France.

Yeah, but this is the north of Scotland.

Oh. Pretend you got lost. I nearly did.

Cheer up, Tony. "Cheer up," she says. Heh.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: And now the time has come for a new song

with the title, The Time Has Come,

and it's sung by your one and only Eden Charity.

He's all I need! I like him!

The big nit. MUSIC PLAYS

# The time has come

# For me to hang my head in shame

# The time has come

# For me to say that I'm to blame

# The time has come

# For love's return But it won't be the same

# Oh, please believe me

# I won't make The same mistake again

# The time has come

# To end this very sad affair... #

A voice like that and he's making a fortune.

I think he's good.

# A summer's kiss

# But love's return

# Won't ever be the same

# Oh, please believe me

# I won't make The same mistakes again

# No more sorrows

# No more cheating

# Our tomorrows

# Won't be repeating the past

# So here am I

# To ask if you can still forgive

# If you can try

# The time has come for love to live

# With no mistakes

# But take my word That love won't be the same

# Oh, please believe me

# I won't make The same mistakes again

# Oh, please believe me

# I won't make

# The same mistakes again. #

You should take up singing.

While he gets away with murder, doesn't he?

You get away with it too.

Yeah, well, I... Get away with it! Why not?

What do you mean? Yes. We've still got a chance.

If we can make something look like a monster on the Serpentine,

we could do it on Loch Ness! Get another picture, you mean?

Yes. Now, we'll need planks,

inner tubes...Oh, we can do it!

Tony!

Tony. The picture, it was in my pocket.

Oh, marvellous.

But it's ruined! Oh, I say, I'm terribly sorry.

Well, never mind.

As soon as it gets dark we're gonna make a new monster.

I suppose that means I have to go in the water again.

Would you, pal? Thanks! Oh, no, look...

Here's your trousers.

It's hardly worthwhile putting 'em on.

How are you doing, Charlie? It's off.

I don't know what Daddy's gonna say, though.

Well, he shouldn't be driving a car anyway.

Hey, look what we've found!

Just the job for the monster's head!

Yeah. Is it big enough?

For the photo, yes. Aren't you clever!

Come on, let's get busy.

See if the coast is clear, Charlie.

Right.

Right. Come on. Come on!

Charlie!

Daddy! Hey, quick!

Bother. Come on, after them.

ENGINE STARTS

If they're gaining on us, I'll have to put my foot down.

You're not nervous, are you? Why should I be?

Eh? ENGINE ROARS

That's funny.

Good heavens. I'm sure they were there when I left London.

Did you get it out all right, Vern?

Yes, I did. But in the morning

you can go out and pull it in for yourself.

What's the matter, Vernon? What's the matter?

I promise you, my feet are getting webbed.

Aw, never mind. It'll be dawn in a couple of hours.

We'll get a picture and it'll all be over.

What are we gonna do for a couple of hours?

Vernon, behave!

Here we are! Have a look at this.

GASPS

It's better than the first one.

I'll say it is. This should do the trick.

Crowds of people outside. I say, that's marvellous!

Come on, let's go and show them!

Right.

CROWD MURMURS

Tony! No, not now, Charlie.

But, Tony! What's wrong?

Gentlemen. Look, I've got it!

A perfect picture of the Loch Ness Monster.

Your troubles are over.

They've only just started, mate.

What? I don't understand.

Everybody in the district's had the same idea as you.

Look.

What happened? They've all been at it.

Everybody's made one. It's all your fault.

You started all this! Hey, now, listen, fellas.

Now, wait a minute. You know something,

everything was going lovely till you arrived.

Now, lads, lads, don't muck about.

Hey, lads! Hey, lads!

Have a look at this! I'll tell you what that is.

That's a loudspeaker, that is.

Aye. It was down at the castle

and the wire leads right up here to The Claymore.

Well? Well, well, fancy that.

So you thought you'd hoax us all.

Oh, well, I mean, it's only a gag, gentlemen.

He's probably a damn Campbell.

We were fine till you started your nonsense.

Now, one minute, fellas. Hang on.

Right, boys, let's tip him in the loch!

SHOUTS

I wonder where Tony is now.

The speed he was going, he's probably in Newcastle.

I hope he's all right. So do I.

Marie's been looking everywhere for him.

I shan't be sorry to get back, Vernon.

Still, it is beautiful here.

Ah! Daddy!

SPLASHES

What a horrible death for a drinker.

Quick, let's get him out!

Have another ham sandwich. No, thank you.

Ach, go on. There's 300 waiting in the kitchen.

Oh, blimey.

Harry Sutton? Yeah.

Sorry I'm late, mate. Had a breakdown.

I've come for the salmon. The salmon!

I'd forgotten about the salmon! We're all right!

Oh, mister, you're a welcome sight, I can tell you.

I'll get the fish for you now.

Where's your car? Out the front.

You stick the fish in the car. I'll look after him. Go!

In the meantime, can you get me something to eat?

I'm starving hungry. BOTH: He's starving hungry!

Come on, mate. Come here.

Oh!

Look, Daddy, I tell you, we want to get married!

Well, phone your mother up and see what she's got to say about it.

Oh!

Yesterday. I've got her here. Tell her we wanna get married!

Your mother says on no account am I to let you get married,

definitely.

Mummy, you must let us get married. Vernon's proposed.

When? Last night. We were in the crofter's cottage

and Vernon was just gonna put his trousers on, and...

ANGRY SQUEAKS FROM PHONE

She says on no account are you to come back to London

unless you are married.

Marie! We're gonna get married!

I'm very happy for you. This calls for a celebration.

I wish Tony were here. I don't know where he is.

There we are, then. Well, they're all loaded up.

Right. Then, I'll be off. Yeah, cheers.

Wait a minute. This isn't your car.

What do you mean? Oh...

You didn't? I did.

You...

Thank you. You're welcome.

ENGINE STARTS

BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS

Who are you? Do you not know me?

No! Look, I'm Hamish McSpurren!

I've come to put this place on the map!

ANGRY CHATTER We're on the map already!

Aye! Have you heard of Tony Blake?

Yeah, we've heard of him, all right. Aye!

A brilliant young man with a marvellous brain!

Ack, he gave me the idea!

POSTIE: What idea?

To make this place into a tourist centre.

Tourists?

Aye, millions of them comin' to see the beastie.

Ach, I can see now.

We'll have a 30-storey hotel about there.

And I think we'll have an airfield about there.

Aye, well, I best be getting busy now.

Have you seen the young lady who was with Mr Blake?

She's going to be my secretary. Tony!

Tony, darling, are you all right?

Ack, that's no way for a sec... Ah!

It's him! ANGRY CHATTER

Mr Blake himself. Now we've got ya, mate!

Into the loch with him! Aye! Come on! Come back here!

BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS

ANGRY SHOUTS

Come out, you! Come back here! Come on!

That's Nessie herself! GASPS

Look at the size of it!

I've never seen anything like it!

They'll be swallowed alive!

Come back! SHOUTS

SHOUTS

ROARS

SCREAMS

ROARS

What a whopper!

SNICKERS

# Oh, what a whopper

# Oh, whoa, whoa What a whopper

# One day you're gonna Come a-cryin'

# What a whopper What a low-down lie. #

Subtitles by TVT