All language subtitles for Vanderpump Rules – S5E12

Previously on Vanderpump Rules... Oh,
there you are. These are all wrong.

probably thinking of your future
nursery, not my dining room.

So Brittany's mom is in town.

Definitely different from where I live.

No sex, no drinking, definitely can't
poop with the door open. Did you all

get into a church?

A what?

I think it's best for me to walk away
from this workplace.

Can't give up. What's wrong with you? If
you quit... You're going to give some

people a lot of satisfaction. I don't
think you want to do that. I think it's

kind of what Lala's done to a home
because I've heard that other people are

affected by this. What about the guy?

I'm sorry, what? You saying that is
defending her right there. That is so

delusional. I don't need to be upset
about it.

Can you change those bottles around over
there? I don't like that.

And then spoon line those all along
there. It looks a mess.

Hey, Jack, two raspberry mojitos and one
vodka and soda.

Hello.

Hi, darling. How are you?

I'm good. How are you? Good. I just
clocked in.

Everything's okay in Sheena Shea land?
In Sheena and Shea land, everything is

very well.

The girls is always another story, you
know.

Last night, I get a bunch of angry texts
from Kristen, and I'm like, I'm not

fighting with you over texts. About
what?

When we were talking about, like, the
bridal shower and stuff, Katie, she's

like, I don't want you guys spending a
lot of money. So then when it started

costing a few thousand dollars... How
come it cost a lot? Because we had to

$1 ,500 to borrow the house, and Kristen
thought that her staffing, I would just

split it three ways.

I'm like, I didn't agree to this.

It would be one thing if I was actually
included in the planning process of the

bridal shower, but staffing Kristen or
just deciding how my money's being spent

without... Discussing it with me first.
Sit down for a second.

I don't think it needs to come back to
Katie.

Do you think she wants to have the
memory of her bridal shower that her

bridesmaids were quibbling over the
price?

Have your opinion. Speak up. You're not
investing in someone. Yeah. Now, your

shift is going to be starting very soon.
Yeah.

Thanks for the talk.

Flyer, but I didn't, I just said, are
you Batman -ing?

I'm Batman -ing. Well, you need to start
getting ready.

Go to your birthday party, you weirdo.

I'm visualizing my outfit.

It's all coming together.

I didn't totally blast it all over
social media because I wasn't sure what

capacity was going to be like for Busby.
Yeah. Which kind of sucks when you're

trying to raise money.

Do you need the bathroom?

Yeah. For my birthday, I'm not just
having a rager.

I'm doing a fundraiser.

Oh, yeah. Gotta get that glow.

So I've teamed up with Richardson,
Lisa's head server over at Pump, to

money for Project Elevate, where they
provide education and facilities for

in Haiti.

So my braid guy is coming over.

Hey, what's up, dude? How you doing?

Good. Tom has a braid guy. I have
several people to braid my hair.

Hi. You know I'm so jealous of you right
now. You know I'm braid obsessed.

And then you are. Think of all the money
we would save if Tom and I could just

learn to braid each other's hair.

So, Jackson's roast is coming up. I am
way behind on that. I haven't even

started on that. All I've been thinking
about is this fundraiser.

I've got to really hit him deep.

Tonight kicks off a whole week of
debauchery because after my birthday, we

Jackson's birthday roast. I think it's
funny that Kristen's throwing it. You're

going to be the punchline. That's what
I'm saying. Why would she put herself in

that position?

It's actually a brave of Kristen to want
to host this roast where everyone's

going to talk about all the horrible
things that Jax has done. Half the

things that he's done have been with
Kristen.

Kristen texted me happy birthday today.

So I invited her. I invited Stassi.

Yeah. I'm not trying to be involved in
like a group of friends. And I don't

understand what you're doing. Because I
care about Katie.

It's so rude. The more people, the more
money we get. Yeah. That's my

philosophy. If Stassi comes or doesn't,
it's really up to her. But honestly, if

you don't show up to a charity event,
you're probably easier than I thought.

Lace me up.

Love that.

And awesome.

Are you jealous you wish you were
wearing this? Kind of. The twin bad

Oh my god, cool shoes.

Got a pocket square in the car, then you
gotta pick up the chest.

Paint swatches is what we need.

It just turns this dirty pink.

I have to go back to the paint store
because Lisa hated all the paint samples

brought her for the VIP room.

I don't know if that exists. Like, what
is a dirty pink?

Look at all these pinks. Look how subtle
the difference is. It's like my hair

every day. It's just subtly different,
you know? You know, I think that was too

bright. You know this thing? Yeah, yeah.
Dusty. Like, look at that desert rose.

I don't know.

Like, come on.

It's pink.

Pink shopping's not that fun.

Whoa, there's even more here.

Oh, Jesus.

Have you looked in the mirror? Your eyes
look like Jack's eyes.

You didn't even drink that much.

Oh, come on.

I had plenty to drink earlier on, but
then I stopped drinking.

I just don't understand why you were so
fired up

then. It was my bridal shower, and it
was so amazing, and then I'm sitting

talking about love. I know, but come on.

In light of everything, you were talking
about your friends, you're getting

gifts. No, Tom, I was expecting him to
help me when we got home. Okay, but you

don't have to start a huge fight over
it. After my bridal shower, I was coming

home with a bunch of gifts, and I asked
Tom if he would help us carry everything

up from the car.

And he didn't want to. He wanted to go
out to the bars with his friends.

I text Tom with some choice words.

It turned into this text fight
conversation.

He just wanted to be having a good time,
and I was ruining it. You started a

fight over nothing, just like you
usually do. No, I didn't. You never take

accountability for your actions. No, I
don't either.

Yes, I do, 100%. No, you don't. First of
all, you were functioning the whole

night. No, I was not.

The only time you act like that is when
you've been drinking a lot. You're

passive aggressive.

No, I wasn't. You're short.

You're mean.

No. And way out of line. Can you say
that as well? No, I wasn't out of line.

Okay, okay.

I thought I didn't come home and think.

I'm an alcoholic, drunk.

The minute I walked in, like you did for
me. I was pissed, yeah.

But what I did didn't warrant that
response.

You're such a bitch, dude. Oh my God,
you're such a bitch.

You're such a bitch, dude. Thanks for
coming.

This was fun.

Here we go again with the walkway.

Just let it go now.

You can just call an Uber.

So I'm such a bitch, then I'll be a
bitch.

The world's biggest check.

Hopefully it's big in more than one way.

Hi guys. Hey, what's up? Hey.

Good to see you.

Oh, look at this guy. That's Brittany.

Thank you.

Birthday food I see over there.

Hey, hi. How's it going, man? Oh, hi. I
didn't even see you because this guy

looks so good.

To the floor we go. Oh my God.

What's up? Did you guys donate?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to go. So
I feel good about myself on days I'm

being a selfish bitch. Yeah. But I'm
like, You know what? I did this. You

excited for your first night? Yeah, man,
your first... I'm nervous, but it

should be good. It should be fun. I came
to Arthur, the last manager at Pump,

asking for a job because I need to pay
my bills. You guys need a DJ at

If you're going to DJ for us, you're not
drinking.

100%. The minute you break your word, I
got to cut your hair or something.

Well, happy birthday, dude.

I'm glad I made it. Thanks for coming,
man.

Hi!

Oh, my God!

Jesus Christ, your body's amazing.

Oh, hey, man. What's up?

I wonder how old Paul is today. Maybe
like 34?

He'd kill me if I said that. I think
he's 33.

Maybe he's 34.

Happy birthday!

Oh, thank you.

I want to make a donation.

It's kind of f***ed up, but me and
Katie, we've been in so many fights. I

call her a bitch, and then six, seven
hours later, we'll be at a party, happy

and in love.

Thank you. Thanks for coming, guys.

Relatively speaking, me calling her a
bitch and her storming out, that's

Casual Thursdays. I'm bringing double
breasted back.

What's more in sync? In sync Michael
Jackson.

Yeah, right? Yeah, I can see that.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

All right, let's get a drink.

I watch football here every Sunday.

Oh, God.

This is my new spot.

It's cool, though.

All right.

Well, hello, party people. Is this your
mom?

Yeah. Oh, my God, you're beautiful.

Look at there. Yeah, champ. How you
doing, man? Good seeing you.

Hello, doll.

Hi. How are you? I'm glad to see you
guys are still together.

Yes. Considering.

Considering what?

Oh, you don't know?

Coming up. He ended up calling me a
bitch. I got in my car and said call him

bitch. We're getting married in a few
weeks, for God's sake.

Thanks for coming, man. Hey, happy
birthday.

Yeah, thanks, man.

Look at you in your old white.

Happy birthday.

Glad to see you guys are still together.

Yes. Considering. Thank God.

Considering what?

Oh, you don't know?

About Ellie?

Oh, I've told her everything.

I need to stand up for my friend Ellie.
We've been friends for seven, eight

years now. We both opened up Villa
Blanca together, and that's how we

friends. I don't appreciate that he's
going around L .A. telling everyone

a liar.

Sally said she had a picture of you in
bed with her in March.

She took that because she's a DJ
groupie.

March, 8 .44 a .m.

It takes selfies with other people in
bed.

Kudos to James. He found the one
beautiful, dumbest girl to believe all

lies while he just goes around L .A. and
sleeps with girls. Because, I mean, how

are you just that dumb?

All right, well.

Glad to see you guys. You're doing well.
Yeah, hope you have a good night. Thank

you. I'm going to go do my residency.

Fine.

Hey, hi. How are you? We're doing
donations just to let you know.

We all donate $500.

Thank you so much.

Is that enough?

Oh, that's more than enough.

Hi, Lisa.

Hey. Oh, hi.

I'm buying you a fifth grader's
education.

That was a complete waste of time.

He goes, oh, she already knows about
that. I was like, oh, but you're okay

all of this? And she was like, I already
knew everything.

Like, she's a really pretty girl, but
she's dumb as.

Dumb as.

All right, Thomas, I got to fly the
Redberry.

Bye. Oh, my God. Good luck. Thanks.

I did want to talk to you about all the
texts you sent me last night.

Okay.

But that's the thing, Kristen, is you
guys can't make plans without me and

expect me to just be on board. You were
actually included in this decision. I

didn't agree to split $1 ,500 three
ways.

If we all split it eight ways, that's a
lot less. That's half a shift.

You're making me feel like I'm not as
good of a friend or as good of a

bridesmaid. No. Because I didn't spend
an equal amount.

I hate fighting about money. It makes me
feel so weird. No, I mean you. I feel

so weird. Like the cheap friend. I
swear.

Hi.

Bish. right here needs to stay right
here. Sheena needs to shut her mouth.

don't want to make the bride feel guilty
about us throwing a party for her.

I am a people pleaser. That's no secret.

But I've noticed since becoming closer
friends with Kristen, Katie, and Stassi,

I've literally lost my voice.

I just don't know how much more I can
take.

Whatever you'd like to donate.

So whatever your balance in your bank
account is, write that down right here.

And then click submit.

Ariana will swipe and do all of that. I
won't look. It's from both of us. Okay,

cool. We talked about it today.

Oh my God, Jack, your card is declined.

That can't be right.

You know, I've heard that one before.
I'm not going to lie.

Why does it think this always happen
when my girlfriend's mom is in town? Why

does it never happen when I'm like out
to lunch going to McDonald's?

work it, sir, more than you do, okay?

Approved. Yeah!

I'm sorry, but your card got declined
and mine went through.

Now make me a sandwich.

Happy birthday, baby.

Will you help me sing happy birthday?

Happy birthday to you.

Thank you, guys. I really appreciate you
all coming. And if you like donuts,

then have a donut.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, yeah, good bombs. Yeah, good bombs.
So I have to drink this whole thing in

one go? I mean, you can take a break.

We're not.

She hasn't shown up for a shift.

She hasn't called in.

But I mean, still, at least have some
respect for the person that's employing

you. Lala, once again, is MIA. I'm
disappointed.

Who knows what she's doing and what
she's up to.

How are you getting on with Stassi? I
don't like her very much. You don't? She

likes to try to tell people how to live
their lives and how they should be.

Well, she's an expert. Oh, apparently.

Stassi's idea that I'm going to be
another one of her little fucking

ridiculous.

She is not about to boss me around like
she does with her other friends.

She also wants to rule the world. Yeah,
she does, and she's not going to rule

me.

How's that candy fit in here? I was
tired of wearing that harness.

Aw, Jax, I had a bra just like that when
I was 10.

Will you please show Mom?

Please show Mom your shirt.

Please show Mom.

I never thought that I would be cleaning
Jack's clothes, and I also never

thought I would have a boyfriend who's
had more boob jobs than me. I'm not

to lie, it is comfortable.

Do I have my stumbles? Have you got
them?

They're in my car.

I need them in the restaurant. Well, I
brought Tom to be, like, my other eyes,

because his eyes are, like, better than
mine.

I don't have that much confidence in Tom
choosing the color of my VIP room.

Well...

You wouldn't have many compliments after
the way he acted in the pink store.

Because he ended up calling me a bitch.
I got in my car and said, if I'm a

bitch, then I'm going to be one. Calling
me a bitch. You're getting married in a

few weeks, for God's sake. I know. Stop
working this stuff out. He was able to

redeem himself. I drove a block and he
called me. He's like, no, I went to the

dark side. It was me. It was me. It was
me. I was like, that's right.

Can I steal you for a second? Can I grab
my drink?

Yeah. Okay. Here he comes. I'll rip him
a new one.

Yeah. Cool.

It's good to see you. Yeah.

Have you been behaving yourself?

Yeah. No.

Guys, seriously, it's time to sort this
nonsense out. You can't go through life

fighting over nothing. I got a little
out of line. She got a little.

No. I don't believe that we have so much
to catch up on. We're well and truly

caught up.

I'm so glad we did that.

There are just a couple things I feel
like I've been trying on and off all

Really? Why?

I don't look like it? No, that's
awesome.

I've been feeling, like, really lonely
lately because every single Shay and I

so good.

But he's not around as much.

Last night, I got home, and he's not
here.

And then I'm texting him, and I'm
texting him, and he's not responding.

like, hey, it's 3 a .m. I'm, like,
checking.

You okay?

You still at the studio? And finally,
he's like, babe, I'm trying.

to record and you are bothering me right
now and i'm trying to do a job it

scares me and i feel i can't talk to the
other girls about this because then the

next time they get drunk they'll throw
it in my face when ariana was saying i

don't give a are you you know i was just
like well i'm just gonna say that like

you guys get drunk all the time and you
fight have you talked to her about this

no because we can never talk to sheena
about anything let's just talk about

katie's wedding that's the only The
thing you guys like talking about right

like I feel like I can't have anything
going on in my own life because this

number is all about Katie.

Katie's wedding.

Katie's bridal shower. Katie's bachelor
party. Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie,

Katie. I feel like I've just become a
yes girl who's like, yes.

Oh, love that. Oh my God, totally. It's
easy to do that.

Especially, I know you are that person
that wants everybody to get along.

And if people don't love you, then
they're not your real friend.

Here's to not being afraid of the truth.

That's why I'm so happy that we're all
in the best friendship spot ever. You're

not crazy.

I love you so much.

Hey, everybody.

Can I get everybody over here?

All right, guys.

We had a goal tonight to raise $5 ,000.

We raised $8 ,000.

$8 ,600 going to kids in Haiti.

And that feels good.

It's going to help me get through my
hangover tomorrow.

Hey, you're cleaning that up.

Coming up. We all have a little past.

Mine is just a lot worse than some
people.

I mean, I didn't kill anybody.

That's pretty much the only thing I did
do.

Oh, my God.

What do you have to do to set up? So I
just press this button. Turn it on.

It's way too complicated for me.

It sounds so good.

Yeah? Yeah.

Woo! Today is the day, ladies and
gentlemen, that I start my residency.

at the Redberry Hotel, where we're doing
everything but drinking.

Hey.

I went to Tom's party. You didn't make
it? Oh, I didn't know about it.

Tom had a little fundraiser thing
tonight, and you missed a hell of a

I'm just kidding. You didn't miss much,
dude.

Apart from Sheena coming up and trying
to stir a little pot. She comes up and

goes, oh, hi, you must be Raquel.

Like, good to see you guys are still
together.

And it's like, don't worry about your
own marriage. That nearly failed already

three times. Like, it's a bit harsh,
isn't it?

Bit harsh?

No.

That's that.

Yeah, well. And this is my new pump.

People really underestimate me. How many
busboys have come in and out of Thur

and how many have prevailed?

Just one, my friend.

The ultimate infiltration.

Is that a word?

Because I just made it one.

What do you think?

I love it. I love this place. No pump.

It's a little different.

I like it, though. Thank you so much for
the opportunity.

Yeah, man. I'm glad that we get to work
together again. Me too.

Let's do it. Cool.

Let me know if you need anything, okay?
All right. Thanks, mate.

I can do the dirty martini.

Get it done.

Anything else I can get for you?

Do you want to take a look at a cocktail
menu or a wine list? Yeah, I'll start.

Hey, hey. Yeah, who's ordering that?
That's for you, actually. I wish.

How's everything? It's been hectic. And
we're still hostess down. Hostess short,

yeah. Yeah, lala.

She's not sure what else. You know what
really pissed me off is you give

somebody so many chances, you invest in
them, and they screw you over.

I can only do so much. I offered Lala a
job when she was in trouble. I've stuck

with her. I've supported her.

Now it's up to her.

We need to cover her shift.

I have a couple of extra hosts. I can
always pull one from the apartment, no

problem. I think we'll be fine.

How are you two doing after your fight
the other night? Good. I mean, it was,

like, so blown out of proportion. I
didn't realize that he, like, had been

drinking margaritas and was wasted. I
didn't realize. That's what I was going

say. I feel like...

You guys fight only when you drink. I
know.

But, like, you, too, not just him. I
know.

Like, just feels like the last few times
I'm like, oh, Katie's drinking. I also

fight some customers.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, also, the last two nights in a row,
I've gotten angry, drunk text messages

from Kristen. Has she said anything to
you? The last two nights? After the

shower, she texts me immediately and
goes, so we're splitting this three

right?

Isn't it etiquette 101 that you don't
tell someone what you spent on their

or their gift?

I was just like, you guys, you're
spending thousands on a shower for a few

hours. I feel it's very tacky, and I
would have hoped that the bridesmaids

have worked this out amongst themselves
without me being involved.

She went off on me for that. And then I
get another angry, drunk text from her

about Ariana.

Last night, Ariana and I literally had
like a heart -to -heart.

interest in that. Especially after last
night, like, I feel like we're back.

And if Kristen doesn't like that, like,
that's not my problem.

I gotta go.

Good talk.

Looks pretty.

Does it pretty? For Jack?

Okay. Are you guys here for a special
occasion?

Uh, it's my birthday dinner.

Birthday dinner!

Thank you. I will send your server right
out.

Hopefully my credit card works this
time.

Oh, my gosh. Hey, how's it going? Hi.

Hi. So, welcome to the guild. Any
entrees for now? I want to do the ribeye

medium rare.

And for you? Same thing, medium rare.

I'm going to do that. Can I do a medium?
Thank you. You're welcome.

Oh, my God. This life is so different
from Kentucky.

I mean, I haven't stopped since I've
been here. I mean, I usually go to work,

out and feed the horses, and go to bed.
Yeah, I'm a little tired.

So tomorrow, about this roast situation.

We all have a little of the past. Mine
is just a lot worse than some people.

For my birthday roast, I just really
want to prepare Brittany's mom a little

of some things she might hear and some
things she's definitely going to hear.

I mean, I didn't kill anybody.

That's pretty much the only thing I did
do. Oh, my God, Jack.

It's all about hope for the best, but
prepare for the worst. You know I've

in trouble with the law a few times.

The bail is $11 ,000.

I'm in shock right now.

What do I do now? I'm going to call the
bondsman right now. Yeah.

It's all because of things that are so
silly.

My mom's only in L .A. for a week. I
don't want her to be left out of the

because I don't want to leave her by
herself.

She's also a tough Kentucky woman.

She can handle it. She's got a lot of
food here.

I need some sauce for it. You can't put
sauce on a fancy steak like that.

Oh, yes, I can.

I do have a good story to tell you about
Brittany. When she had her 18th

birthday party at my house.

Oh, gosh.

I did a theme party, and guess what I
called it? G .I. Joe's and Army Hoes.

Mom was passing around cookie trays, and
she had no idea that on the other side

of the wall there were keggers.

That cops get called? Cops came.

Oh, sure. Mom almost got arrested for
having underage drinking.

So I wasn't the best kid in the whole
world, I guess, either.

I used to make report cards in high
school.

Sell them.

Tax.

She did it on my ACT, so I had someone
else take it for me.

You know scantron tests with circles?

Yeah. If you put chapstick on the side
of them, they won't make them work.

So every time I had a scantron test, I
got like 100%. Oh, my gosh.

I'm already speechless just listening to
you, more or less, what other people

are going to say. Maybe I'm digging
myself in a hole before I even get

huh?

Coming up.

Sheena texted me saying that Tom
Sandoval was going to bring up the stuff

me and you.

What's that?

It's open.

Thanks for coming by.

Wanted to run some of our material by
you.

Definitely. You know him better than
anyone.

I know. I just wanted to see where,
like, you were going with it, too.

Yeah. So, want to hear what I got so
far? Okay.

A Jack's roast needs a lot of
preparation.

The hardest part is just, like,
whittling it down to this perfect,

to the ball.

Wow, Jacks. You sure have come a long
way from bathroom sexist sir, tattooing

girls' names on your arms, and sleeping
with your best friend's girl. Yeah.

We've got together.

One I might bring up, talk about how
he's had two pit jobs this year.

Did Chris insist on emceeing this and,
like, going first? They pretty much

like, leave me out of everything they
plan these days. So I never know what's

going on with them.

Ever since Katie and Stassi became
friends again, something did change with

behavior. We've all seen the wrath of
Tequila Katie. Katie gets really mean

she's drunk.

Vicious. It's vicious.

Yeah. Kristen and Stassi, I feel like
they really enable her. Kristen and

just agree with Katie because they don't
want to stand up to her. That is

textbook enabling.

Like, you can look it up.

Full honesty, do you think Katie has a
drinking problem?

Uh, yeah, maybe.

I feel like a lot of us feel that way,
but no one says it to her. I mean,

Jocelyn and Kristen certainly aren't
going to say anything.

When you get defensive like that, it's a
sign of something.

Wait, Nathan hit my card out. Hold on,
hold on.

Hi, ladies.

Welcome back, men.

For timers? All right, let's get you set
up with paperwork.

This is so fancy and, like, clean.

It's an Apple store, please.

No, it really is.

Okay, as far as...

I get, like, this, like, anxiety and,
like, that also turns into, like,

irritability. So, yeah, something that
maybe won't put me to sleep, but if I

just do, like, a little bit enough that
it might make me, like, not want to kill

anyone. Enough people have told me that
I'm angry when I drink, so I decided to

do something about it.

Why cannabis?

Well, I'm trying to replace sleeping
pills.

And Katie?

Irritability that I have sometimes where
I can get, like, just agitated. They're

both approved.

I got...

A marijuana card. You can't miss this
show.

Phoria is suppositories as well as,
like, sexual lube. Spray on your vagina?

Yeah, you help, like, tighten your
fences and you just have endless orgasm.

Are you kidding me right now? I wouldn't
lie to you. This is a thing?

That I want to try. If you have any
questions, feel free to let us know,

Okay. All right.

Did you work last night? Yeah, I got
there and I was talking to Sheena and

she... said like what is up with kristen
she was like well kristen said that i

hadn't paid you know my portion of the
several hundred dollars for your bridal

charm that makes me feel so
uncomfortable i don't like talking about

talking about anything like that much
less in front of the person who these

things are gifts for that sheena were
you raised by wolves in the hills of

i was annoyed with sheena before Now I'm
in rage. Just erase it from your memory

and don't think about it. I don't know
what to say. I was like, I'm sorry.

I didn't want anyone to spend any. I
don't know. No, that's rude. Part of the

reasons why you have bridesmaids is to
take some stress off of yourself.

I'm just irritated and I'm over it.

That's why I feel like with this, it's
not about getting high all the time. But

I do know I don't get that quick
agitation and irritability where I want

out. This is just going to be perfect
for sure. Yeah, maybe rather than being

tequila kitty, now I can be, you know.

Toking, Katie. Is that a thing? Is that
what it's called?

Toking. Yeah, that's... How do you spell
that? That's a slang.

Like yolk or like... No, I don't know. T
-O -K -E? T -O... No, T -O -T -O -K -E.

I'm ready to pay for this.

I know, we got so many goodies.

Oh, Kingsley!

Hi, you guys. Hi, Kate!

What is that? Oh, you have a whole
notepad, I see.

So I have a bit that I'm going to do at
the top. Right. And so I'm, like, the

roast master, like, cooking it.

But then I have, like, a little bit for
each person as I introduce them.

Kristen is helping me prepare for this
roast because I am nowhere near a

comedian. I'm only used to doing beauty
pageants and cheerleading competitions.

I think it'd be good to make a joke
about how you moved in with him, like,

quickly. Well, he asked me to move to L
.A. the first night I met him, you know

that. I mean, you can talk about his
car. Yeah, he loves his car.

Well, the thing about it is it wouldn't
start.

He's still embarrassed.

He's like, oh, no, not now. The car
don't start.

What's that?

Jax walked in on Brittany and Kristen
was going down on Brittany.

You're lying.

Go ask her.

What do you think I'm going to ask her?

How was it?

So what's this rumor?

Okay.

Do you want me to say it in a very
simple term? Yeah. Jax made up a rumor

Brittany and I hooked up, and now they
want to throw it in his face tonight.

That's not cool. I just know that you're
so... No, that's not cool at all. This

was months ago. And you never told me
about it. Well, of course I wasn't going

to tell you about it. I'm only telling
you about it now because... Well, I'm

not...

I don't like it. I don't like that at
all. I know. I mean, I don't want any

rumors brought up about my daughter
because I will pack her bags and take

back to Kentucky.

Yeah.

Coming up. This is your birthday
present. That engine is running, but

nothing behind the wheel.

Hey, did you bring that marijuana
lubrication?

Because Jax isn't needing it. He's about
to get it.

Yeah! That's my first zinger. Oh, it
looks so good.

It looks hot. Thanks.

If I had to pick one thing that I don't
want to be brought up, I wouldn't even

know. There's so much that I'm kind of
like, I brought sunglasses, and I'm

definitely going to need this.

Tom's. I'm hoping that my friends will
be a little lenient, but I'm not going

lie to you, I'm brick.

Thank you for everyone for coming to the
roast of Jax Taylor.

Yeah.

Everyone is grinning, obviously, but I
don't know if you guys all know that

Cherry Brittany's mom is in town.

I'm not even going to look in this
direction.

Don't. Okay, well, Jack, it is your 40th
birthday.

This is 37.

Not true.

40 is a really important number to you.
It is the number of times you've given

your number out at work. It is the
number of bottles you've stolen from

And it is the exact number of times that
you and Stassi broke up every f***ing

weekend.

Jack, I'm not saying that you're dumb.
I'm just saying I once heard you ask

what was in a vodka tonic.

is Ariana Maddox's diary full of lesbian
fantasies much like your Google search

history eyes do.

Honestly, Ariana and I feel like we have
come a long way from the days that we

were sleeping with the same person
because I upgraded.

Ariana Maddox.

I just think it's cute that Kristen is
so proud of herself for making really

obvious and kind of Typical joke.

Thank you for the intro, Kristen.

You might want to wipe your mouth.
There's still a little bullshit on the

corner.

Also, why are you emceeing this? At
least when Jax... It was so bad that you

kept your mouth shut for once.

We can trade blows, but, sweetie, I'm
better at it than you are. Jax, the last

time we all celebrated your birthday,
you got arrested for shoplifting.

But it's okay, because the only thing
you're better at than getting arrested

well... Getting people in Vegas
pregnant.

Jess loves watching the Maury Show
because it's the only time he ever

are not the father.

I mean, if you can't be a good example
for people, you'll just have to be a

horrible warning.

Happy birthday.

And it's closer it's going to be.

Our bride -to -be, Katie Maloney.

So far, so good. This is not really that
bad.

Jax one time said to me the greatest
pleasure he could have was to watch my

fancy rail a chick in front of me. I
would love nothing more than for Tom to

rail a girl right in front of her.

But you know what? I get to watch ten
people here tonight rail you, man.

Jax is very...

Being generous.

One time he gave me sunglasses.

Turns out they were his ex -girlfriends.

He gave me sunglasses too.

You're our red -headed mule.

You're the goat always running around.

And for those of you who don't know what
that means, neither do we.

A lot of things Jack says don't make
sense.

Shooting bullets in official barrels.

He's a big boy. He puts his pants on
just, you know.

We could do a time like everybody else.
That guy kind of buried his own bridge.

What? One thing I'm really excited about
is that I'm not the fattest guy in the

group anymore.

I would say let's take off our shirts
and see, but then shorts would get

excited, then you would kiss mandibles.

What's that?

What's that?

Have you guys ever noticed how, Jack,
it's literally always allergy season?

It's like one of my first memories of
Jack.

I was in Miami like...

30 years ago. And Jack just, like, kicks
in the door and he's just like, I can't

feel my f***ing teeth.

The last thing I want to do is make any
eye contact with Sherry because I really

don't know how she's taking this.

We used your girl, he says.

You're my friend. You deserved it.

Satisfy your girlfriend. We won't have a
problem. How about that?

Well, if you pleased your girl, she
definitely wouldn't have to jump in bed

you.

Listen, Jack.

If you think that you're going to use
Britney's mom to soften the blow of my

punches, you got another thing coming.
This is your birthday present.

That engine is running, but there's
nothing behind the wheel.

This is you, Jack. This is your birthday
present.

Oh my gosh, we drank too much, baby.

Happy birthday, man.

Thank you. So cool.

Holy, this is awesome.

I want to introduce now my hero. Uh -oh.

This person was the first to get Jack to
admit that he's a sociopath.

Stassi Schroeder.

Take it away.

Drink, please. Make it a double. In
fact, make it a triple. I was going

a breakup, and I was working at Sir, and
Kristen was like, you know what? You

just need to meet a dude. So she said,
Jack, I have this girl. So I'm thinking

I'm going to go and meet this Prince
Charming. Someone to get my mojo back.

And he shows up with another girl.

So I was turned down. Now that I'm like
thinking back on it, it was the only

time in the two years that we were
together that he turned a girl down.

I am going to put up some objects and
we're going to figure out what they all

have in common.

So this is Crystal.

This is a sandwich.

Oh, no.

My Mew Mew. And this is my trust in
innocence.

So what do all of these things have in
common?

Jack, you can go f*** yourself.

Happy birthday.

That was me going easy on Jack, but I
respect Brittany enough not to say

anything weird.

Lisa Vanderpump sent me a little video.

so mr jack taylor what do i wish for you
for your birthday well

i'd like to tell you what i wish for me
one thing i wish for me is i'd like to

have all my stuff stolen people back i'd
also like you not to post

public pictures of your genitalia

More time behind my bar than you do
behind mine.

Happy birthday, Jack. I love you.

Obviously, you know that my mom's here.

I was worried. It's her first time in L
.A. Jack wants to, you know, he loves

his Corvette.

My mom gets in the Corvette with him. It
won't start.

And all he's saying, it needs to warm
up. It needs to heat up. You got a baby

in. And I'm just thinking, I know
exactly what you mean. I know, I know.

Just like you sold me the pair of
sunglasses.

So Katie has like seven bridesmaids.

Four out of seven have had sex with
Jack.

I love that. If you're one of Katie's
bridesmaids, there's a 57 % chance

he's had his penis inside of you.

I mean, he's slept with many, many,

many women.

And a few men.

You know, there's many rumors floating
around about Jax having a homosexual

affair as a young model in Miami.

It's really annoying. They're saying all
this in front of Brittany's mom. It's

only gay if you like it. Listen, those
bills, they're not going to pay

themselves.

I'm going to defend myself and let her
know that I do not partake in any gay

activity. I just want to say thank you
to Sherry for not leaving.

Thanks for being a good sport.

I can't feel my teeth.

Coming up. Are we okay? We probably are
going to have a little bit of a talk.

I wrote Tom every time I drink.

What up? What's up?

You, I'm not super happy with. And you
know that because I texted you earlier

asking you not to do anything to upset
Brittany's mom. Dude, this is a roast,

man. You have so many questions. Oh,
come on. Are you not more creative than

that? I had to say, I had to say, I had
to say, I had to say, come on.

Brittany, are you going down on
Brittany? Don't be so mad.

Everything's fine. Don't be so mad.

Weird dude.

You gotta go.

All right. Bye.

You did a great job.

You were so scary, mama.

Where do I begin?

I mean, uh, okay.

Are we okay?

Um, kissing the guy.

That was the most offensive to me with a
homosexual.

I lived with a gay guy for a while. He's
my best friend.

I did some nudes. He did nudes? Nude
photos?

Actually, you know what? I saw that
picture in my living room.

Come here!

Dude, you smell so f***ing good.

Can we just not? I've been grilled
enough tonight. Can we just go home?

Like, they talked about, like, it was
something much more. Oh, I know, because

my friends were giving me a hard time.
But that was a surprise to me, too.

I have a serious problem with people
judging me. Are we going to have a talk

home? Yeah, we probably are going to
have a little bit of a talk. I know that

Sherry's a very conservative Christian
lady, but of all the things that I've

done in my life, the going to jail, the
cheating, the stealing, the thing that

sticks out most is that I might have
kissed a guy.

Really?

Next time on Vanderpump Rules.

I brought my soon -to -be groomsmen with
me.

Flip fits are what we all want.

Oh, yeah, you need an athletic fit, man.
What?

Hey, he's sensitive.

The bridesmaids are having another
meeting. I don't know if that's how

things roll in your case.

I would get really involved.

It felt abrasive to just be like, I
don't give a f*** about you. I don't

what to tell you. This is not coming to
New Orleans, so if y 'all can't get

along, I don't know.

Mom's got to talk to you about the
roast.

Something about you being a homosexual.

It didn't happen. You either take my
word for it or you don't. There's no

to have attitude.

I'm going to go.

James is playing on Friday.

Here we go. Let's do it. Thank you for
coming.

Later, DJ Kip.

To see more of Vanderpump Rules, go to
bravotv .com.