All language subtitles for Vanderpump Rules – S5E09

Previously on Vanderpump Rules, we start
the summer in Hampton. Right. You ever

been up to Montauk? 224 is my favorite
day. Definitely should make a girls'

and come.

I don't even know what to do about this
trip. I don't know if Stassi's going to

disinvite me.

They're just bullies, dude. You guys are
going to Montauk this weekend, so I

need to fix this. Right, and you do, and
you will.

This week, Patrick and I aren't
together.

Kind of normal for you and Patrick. If a
dude comes up to me, I will entertain

it.

Ariana's birthday coming up. I'm invited
this year. Have you ever been to a

NASCAR race before?

No. But I want to go.

You're going to Panama?

Yes. I'm nervous.

Tell everybody with kindness.

We have to.

I want to make it the best birthday ever
for Ariana.

And if anybody stands in the way of
that, I'm going to be pissed.

This is where they make bricerone, the
San Francisco treat.

Let's chill for a minute. Okay. What
kind of car did you get us?

Something comfy, something cute. Yeah,
something cute, like a Miata, you know.

love Miata.

I'm going to go fill out some paperwork
and stuff like that. You got it? Yeah,

yeah, I'll be fine. It's Ariana's
birthday trip. We're going to be going

Country. We're going to be going to
NASCAR.

And unbeknownst to everyone else, me and
Ariana have this really big surprise

that we've worked out.

And it's going to be awesome.

You guys ever figure out what happened
to Lala?

Well, actually, she texted me.

But hold on. I'll read it to you guys.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it last
minute.

Enjoy this celebration with close
friends and family.

Thank you for always being kind to me
and including me. I promise I will make

up to you. Happy birthday, boo. Okay, I
get it. I get it.

I never thought Lala would teach me
anything in this world. But I was wrong.

See, he literally just talked about it
yesterday. Yeah. And didn't say she

wasn't coming. Turns out, you can flake
out on your friends.

And all you have to do is write, I'm
sorry, boo, in a text message, and all

forgiven.

Oh, my God, this is not sustainable.

Oh, what the fuck?

No way.

You just kicked it up ten knots.

Welcome to the Sonoma Express.

You just kicked it up ten knots.

I mean, I'm not going to lie. I was a
little concerned.

You know, the cabin is kind of small.

Oh, so it is a cabin.

Yeah. Okay.

Are we all sleeping in one room?

We've done trips before. We're all
sleeping in one room.

But, like, this couldn't be any better.
We're going to be kind of in close

counters.

Close counters?

Is that right?

Close quarters.

Close counters. Why did I say close
counters?

Yo, this thing looks awesome.

I've been wanting to do this since I
moved to California.

Yeah! I just realized that we're the
only girls on this trip.

I don't know how you're going to poop
with the door open. I know.

That's why you asked me to bring the
poopery.

Oh, thank you. This is awesome.

This up here is a bed right here.

Oh, my God.

I think a bed comes out of here. That's
probably a bed.

I'm no stranger to RVs. I know how
awesome they are.

The only thing that sucks is, like,
Jackson, Tom, and Tom, they all fart so

much. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, these chaps.

I know. I should wash my hair before I
play. Those boys just fart like crazy.

Drives me nuts.

They do.

All right, guys, we're moving.

Am I going to be car sick? Oh, did you
get car sick? Yeah.

Oh, Brittany gets car sick.

Tequila will help that. Disney, you want
to do the first shot?

Yeah. Is it cold yet? I just put it in
the freezer.

It is not cold.

Just jizzed out of the ceiling.

Todd, we're taking out the f***ing roof.

You know what? I thought there would be
some nicking of cars, maybe a side swipe

and knocked over a cone.

Eventually. We're not even out of the
parking lot yet.

We went ten feet and we're already in
trouble.

The Sonoma Express does not stop for
cosmetic damage.

Full steam ahead.

So we need to get a beer right now,
otherwise I'm going to lose steam and

able to do anything.

I have to keep this going, otherwise
we're going to be home late. Beer for

breakfast. Beer for breakfast.

This is my 28th birthday.

I have not had a birthday trip in two
years.

Guys, I want to get beer and jerky.

Please.

We're celebrating my birthday in Montauk
because we were invited by the Work It

Twins. Guys, this is the worst with
jerky. It takes, like, pennies.

My birthdays haven't always been the
classiest events, but they're always

eventful.

Now the party's here.

How dare you ruin my birthday like that?
What are you trying to prove? Do you

want to go? Mother...

You want to go?

Stop bitching. What do you want me to
say? I just feel like Montauk

is the perfect place for me to get away
because aren't there like bougie, blue

-blooded, fancy types here?

Like that's exactly what I need right
now.

How does this happen that everything is
blue and white stripes like my wardrobe

that I brought here?

It's going to be so much fun.

Cool.

Look it, there's a beach right there.

Look how pretty everything is. It's like
our own little personal home. I know.

So nice.

Ooh.

Dude. So nautical.

I'm really excited to be in Montauk. It
is beautiful. The weather's gorgeous. So

I'm just hoping that everyone's
attitudes can stay with the sunny

Oh, our bathroom's really cute.

Aw.

We've been fighting so much, but I'm
hoping this can be the first step in the

right direction to repairing anything
that's been broken.

We'll see.

It literally is a little private beach.

Gina, come look.

How are you feeling with Gina right now?

I think we all are here with a common
purpose, obviously, to celebrate your

birthday. And not that anyone's, like,
pushing anything aside or brushing

anything under the rug, but I'm not
harboring anything. I'm not bottling up

you know, penting up anything towards
her. Let this not be, like, one of those

trips where she's just, like, being
selfish and making it about her and,

well, I don't want to do, like, certain
things.

A lot of planning went into this. Like,
a lot of planning. This wasn't just,

like, a normal trip. Like, everything
with the RV, everything.

NASCAR. We had super VIP tickets that
were expensive.

Yeah, and we had to get them in the
person's name that's coming.

It's like, dude, if she, like, for real
Blake Flakes, I'm going to be really

pissed. Like, I'm going to be livid.

I don't know if Lala realizes this, but
she's just giving everybody an excuse.

to hate on her. I'm just going to hold
off judgment until I have the real

I just hope that whatever it is that's
going on, it better be important.

We have more room now.

For activities.

There's more room for activities.

Jax?

Are you sleeping?

Hey, I'm just getting ready. I'm
checking my eyelids for holes.

Why didn't you sit by me on the plane,
Jax? We live together, sleep together,

eat together, play together.

I'm sure you'd be okay with 45 minutes
on a flight. You'd be all right. So

annoying. Isn't it annoying?

I think I'm going to FaceTime with Tina
really fast.

Everything cool about our trip, Brittany
just ruined by calling them. Oh, hush.

What happens in Montauk is probably not
going to stay in Montauk because it'll

end up on Snapchat.

Well, it already kind of has.

Brittany wants to FaceTime.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, y 'all.

Are you guys in a boat?

Oh, you're in a motorhome.

All of you? All of us, but Lala didn't
come. What happened?

Wait, so Lala didn't even tell Ariana
that she wasn't showing up? Not until

after we already left, yeah.

I mean, this is f***ed up. Like, it's
because of Lala that I'm not invited to

Sonoma. This bitch took my spot, and now
she didn't even show up. She said she

couldn't handle Tom's raw sexual
magnitude.

It's just too damn sexy. I couldn't be
in a motorhome next to him. It's

understandable.

Look at this.

I bet Sheena would hate this.

Yeah, I'm good in my nautical suite with
an oceanfront view and balcony.

It's actually fun, though.

It's like a redneck dream right now.

All right, well, you guys have fun. Keep
me posted on everything.

We love you.

Bye. Love you guys. Love you, too.

He's like a redneck dream.

Coming up.

Talk to me more about your perfect
relationship right now. Are you crying?

What's going on? Are we busy?

Oh, yeah. Just trying to figure out
where to put the party. Like, it's 30 in

garden. Why don't you give them the
veranda?

Have they paid just for the garden?

They paid for the garden. It's a nice
evening. Open the front door so we can

the terrace as well. Push everybody
back. All right. Sounds good.

All right. Hello.

Hi, Lisa.

Darling, how are you?

It's so good up here. We're having the
best time.

Okay, good.

Have you seen or heard from Lala at all?

No, no, no. She took time off. I thought
she was with you.

She was supposed to be with us and then
she didn't show up to the airport this

morning. She sent me a text apologizing
and saying that she was sorry she had to

miss a trip last minute. But when I
asked her what happened, she hasn't

responded to me. I mean, it's kind of
irritating for me because she begged for

the night off. It's a busy Saturday
night. I'd like to trust Lala.

But she started our relationship with a
little bit of a lie.

How was the modeling?

It's a long story. You didn't really
have a modeling job, though, did you?

So, I'm a little hesitant to believe a
lot of what she says.

It's your birthday.

Just forget about it. Right? Just have a
good time. Be safe.

All right. Speak to you later.

All right. Have a good weekend.

All right, darling. Okay, bye -bye.
Pretty clear that if Lala's not with

And she's not at work. She's basically
just proving to me that she's fadious,

and I'm over it.

All right, are we passing around some
tequila or what?

Yeah.

It's so pretty.

The thing is, New Yorkers are like go,
go, go all the time, and they go to

Montauk to decompress and do nothing.

I... do nothing all the time, so I don't
really get the appeal.

We make drinks real fast.

OK, who wants what?

Sheena, what do you want?

I'm OK.

It's my birthday, and I want everybody
to drink. Well, if you wouldn't have

taken my straw earlier, I can't. The ice
might be way too sensitive.

All right. All right. Yes, this is
typical Sheena. Maybe the drink isn't at

right temperature for her, or we don't
have the right straw.

Like, seriously, just, like, have a
drink.

OK?

Brittany FaceTimed us.

All of them are staying in an RV
together.

What? They're all in an RV.

Brittany said, it's a redneck dream.

A redneck dream and my worst nightmare.

All of them? So, Tom and Ariana, Jax,
Brittany, Jeremy, Tom, and Lala?

Lala didn't come.

Wait, really?

Weird.

I guess she texted Ariana and just
apologized but didn't give any

It's actually probably better that she's
not there. Well, it makes you feel

better for Britney.

Oh, no, totally. Britney was, like,
beaming. Like, she was so happy.

If Lala's not there, then it's, like,
okay, the hassle that she would cause

Schwartz while she's, like, trying to
skank on him. I know.

Remember, this is a girl that doesn't
wear underwear to work.

Does anybody want to try this on?

I don't have underwear on. You've got a
short dress on and no one. one.

You're welcome.

A girl that can't keep her top on for
more than three minutes.

I feel like I should send Lala a thank
you card, because even 3 ,500 miles away

on that trip, she was still going to bug
me. So, thank you, Lala. God, we're

such haters.

Oh, we're passing the Sonoma County
line.

Here we are. It's official.

Hey,

guys, if you're changing when you get
there, just start visualizing our

now. I don't visualize outfits. I just
put them on. Well, if that's what you

then that's what you do.

Here we are, guys.

Oh, it's so pretty.

Jack. What, honey?

Get your stuff and come out here so we
can change in there.

Hey, Jack, show me some titty.

What are you putting stuff on in there
for? I just put deodorant on, honey. I

got you.

Jack's had a breast reduction surgery.

Dude, look at that service knife. It's
got the bra built in it.

I have both had breast augmentation.
Male -female couple.

Yeah. That's a rare combo, dude.

Right now, he's got the compression bra
on, the man bra, and he hasn't showered

in like a week, and he smells really,
really bad.

Aw, Jack.

I had a bra just like that when I was
10.

Just to give you an idea, he smells like
he's worn the same jockstrap for a year

and ran every day that year and not
washed it once.

I took my vest off. It feels so good.

Oh, let me see the boobs.

Damn, big debut.

Damn.

Thanks for dressing up, dude.

Don't do that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm
sorry.

All right. Hey, how's it going? I'm Tom.
I'm Tom, too, as well. Nice to meet

you.

Hi, Ariana. And it's your birthday as
well, I believe. It is my birthday.

birthday. Congratulations.

Thank you. I'm the assistant winemaker.

I'm helping making wine here with the
winemaker as well.

And we learned about some grapes. Taste
some wine out here in the garden. That's

perfect. That's perfect.

I love that.

Thank you so much. I've been to wineries
before, and it's a kind of high -class

thing, but we're pulling up to this
place in a freaking Winnebago.

I mean, could we be more of a sore
thumb?

Here, so we've got six wines for you
guys.

First up, we've got the cashmere white.

It's the first one on the right there,
yeah.

You were good? Yeah. I'm not a huge wine
drinker. I can drink it. I'm just not a

big fan of it. Being sober at a winery,
you can take a whole new look at things,

I'll tell you that.

If we were going to like a vodka
vineyard, that would be awesome.

But it's okay. I don't mind.

Yeah, it's got a really nice vibrant
flavor to it. It's got a creaminess to

It's got a little nuttiness in there as
well. It has a nice semen finish. Do you

notice that?

Yeah, it does.

How do you know what it tastes like?

Yeah, how do you know what semen tastes
like? No, I'm just kidding. I don't. I'm

just... This is my favorite one so far.

I never have been a wine drinker. If it
was shots of tequila, different types of

whiskeys or bourbon, I'm your girl. But
when it comes to wine, I have no idea

what I'm talking about.

This one is the Klein Chardonnay, 100 %
Chardonnay from a state fruit.

Cabernet, Merlot, Malbec, Maybach,
Malbec,

Clerico.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Sangria.

I don't know what that is.

It's been great having you guys, and
it's been so much fun showing you

Thank you so much, Tom. This has been so
wonderful.

All right, guys, I got an idea. We
should do high car cut.

Loser has to take a shot of the spill
bucket.

This is a high stakes game here. It may
not seem like much, but there was people

at that table before us spitting in the
bucket.

Queens,

yeah. And then we topped it off with
more wine spit.

I feel like being third is putting me in
a bad position to get a low card.

And whoever gets the lowest card has to
drink that spit bucket.

I told you!

I told you! Being third was putting me
in a bad position. Is that an eight? Oh,

my God. I got an eight. Who knows what
kind of weird bacteria have been

fermenting in there. I don't know if
bacteria can ferment, but it's not going

be good.

I'm so nervous right now.

Hand! Hand! Oh, my God. Heal the deal,
man.

Okay, stop.

It's just a nice blend, really.

We'll just do it here.

I'm about to do it. Think about that as
it's going down your throat. Definitely

people's backwash.

Nobody knows what it is.

It was the flower pot. We'll blame it on
the flower pot.

There it is.

Nice.

It was so, like, sour.

Like, it was so... Respect.

Respect, Ariana.

Our trip and their trip are so
different. It's apples and oranges.

Team Sonoma for the win. Happy birthday.

I'm not jerking off as an option.

It's the only thing I have.

I need to have sex.

I want to have sex.

Maybe Lala found out it was in an RV.

I mean, it is a deal breaker for some
people.

Close quarters are going to cause
fights.

Do I disagree with Tom, like, on the
regular?

Yeah, I'm in a perfect relationship, and
we even disagree.

Holy. Oh, my God. Oh,

my God.

Wait, that's supposed to be good luck if
it lands on you. I was going to say, if

you got pooped on for your birthday,
it's good luck. Wait, Chris, to back up,

did you say I'm in a perfect
relationship? No one's in the perfect

I mean, it's like 90 % perfect.

Talk to me more about your perfect
relationship right now. At least you

real engagement ring.

You went up to me so hard. Yeah,
Kristen, where's your fake engagement

weirdo? I'm sorry, you're my boyfriend,
so shut the fuck up, birthday girl.

Jesus Christ.

That's mean.

No, it's not.

We're just kidding. We love you.

I know. Who wouldn't love me? It's going
to be fun. My boyfriend?

My boyfriend?

Dossie was very...

propped up when her and Patrick first
started dating. This is going to be the

bedroom. So that is where I will be
having sex with my boyfriend. This is

to be Patrick's studio or nursery,
whatever.

It's like a long way to fall after being
up so high. And I could say karma's a

bitch, but I won't because I'm not a
grudge holder.

When I was single, you just like make
out with people and it's fun. And it's

just like distractions are good. Yeah, I
got it.

Fun. I got it. This is what I don't
want. Are you crying? You've been

this every fucking time I see you guys.
I know. Are you upset?

I know. It's fun.

No, it's fun.

So we've got married, engaged, and the
90 % perfect relationship. So happy

birthday to me.

Me as cumpleaños, bitches.

As me cumpleaños.

Whatever. Here comes a single maple poop
on you.

Show me, please.

Why don't you want to show me?

We are here. We have arrived.

We made it. We finally made it. I feel
like the RV really wants us

to be drunken idiots on my birthday.

Ariana, show them the you -know -what.
Show them the quizzle.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. I'm glad we got a door in that

background.

Hey, you can do one butt cheek at a
time.

I went to college for this.

It's on your acting resume?

It better be.

Special skills.

Woo! Ariana, pass me the tequila.

Woo! It is!

We're amongst our people.

Hello. James.

What's up, mate?

Good,

how are you? Good, good. I've been sober
for about two weeks. A cappuccino with

two espresso shots, please.

A scoop of that roasted banana looks
great.

Let's do a scoop of the honey lavender
as well. Crazy flavors over here. Love

it. And honestly, anytime that I'm
having a craving, I just go and get some

cream instead. You could say I traded my
whiskey on the rocks for Rocky Road on

the Cone. A little rum raisin on the
weekend if I'm feeling a little

adventurous. Tell me everything.

All right, well, where do I begin?

You know, everyone has their slip -ups,
I feel like.

And there was one slip -up the other
week, but then I'm like, you know...

What would Arthur do in this situation?

I know, I do literally think that.

Arthur was the GM at Pump, but since
then, like, he's really become a really

close friend of mine and almost like a
mentor. Let's just say in the last

call Katie pregnant because she looks
bad in the third dress.

Sue me. You know? After that, I got
assaulted.

And this was at Pump? Yeah. Two days
later, I got fired from Pump and Sir for

yelling at Insert.

Okay. So you're fired from Pump and Sir.

So what's that tell you?

To not drink.

You're a grown -ass man.

I think you are man enough to hold the
job and not get fired.

I am.

You know, I subscribe to the belief that
the problem is not really the problem.

There's something underneath it, right?
What is underneath all of that? My

family is broken apart.

It breaks my heart.

Makes me want whiskey.

Or a cigarette. Just something. I want
something right now. Another espresso

shot. Does it fix it?

You know, I don't give a f*** if it does
or not. I don't know what else is going

to do tonight.

Probably nothing else tonight is going
to fix it. I mean, I think you're

topically trying to sprinkle magic fairy
dust to make your problems go away.

I feel like a drink right now. We're not
having one. I'm not going to support

that.

Arthur's just the perfect guy to chat
with me. He understands me. He

where I'm coming from. He understands
where I could potentially take myself in

my life. And he's always believed in me.

Hey, I was going to ask you, you guys
need a DJ at Redberry?

He also has got a really thick bar on
Hollywood and Vine that I would love to

at. The minute you said that you got
fired from Pump, fired from Serve, I

this would come up.

Look, I think if you're going to DJ for
us, you're not drinking.

100%. And the minute you break your
word, there's got to be consequences.

Like I got to cut your hair or
something.

Or fire me.

Fire you and cut your hair.

Can you shake my hand?

What? This isn't a deal shake. I just
want to thank you for having my back.

I guess for the time being, it's going
to be sober DJ James Kennedy behind the

decks. You know, I can't let Lisa down.
I can't let myself down.

And I don't want to let Arthur down
either, you know? This is the first day

the rest of my life.

Let's get weird. Let's have fun.

Without the alcohol.

Without alcohol.

Thank you so much, dude.

Heck, other people are judging us
because of our mini grill.

Dude, it's not the size. It's how you
use it, man. Come on. You're right.

right. You're right. You guys want to
sit down and talk about life?

I'm not going to lie to you now.

If you want to get the feelings in,
let's get it in right now.

Where's the girls? Where's Brittany and
Ariana?

Birthday shot.

Brittany, you knew when you invited me
here this was going to happen.

Are you having fun?

Oh my God, I'm having the best time.

I'm so glad you came.

I'm happy too. Are you having fun too?

Yeah. Cool.

I'm glad.

I'm so excited to be here in Sonoma
having the f***ing time of our lives.

No joke, this bottle was us.

I don't think anyone else drank out of
this bottle.

Because I didn't want to go out to a
nice dinner or go out to a club and

to be dressed up the whole time and just
feeling, like, that restriction.

Like, that.

Dude, me and Ariana, like, lately, like,
in the past few months.

Jeremy, I know it's a little awkward. I
know what you're saying. Go ahead. I'm

well aware.

I've been, like, trying to have sex with
Ariana, and she's, like, not been into

it. Right. You start to feel like I'm
f***ing, like, like a skis. You start to

feel sleazy.

Tom and I were arguing about not having
sex because I'm the one that's like, get

the f*** off of me.

Stop trying to go down on me all the
time.

What? I would never be like, stop trying
to go down on me all the time.

Well, I'm like, I literally just got
home from the gym. Can you not, though?

I was like, I'm not jerking off as an
option.

I'm jerking off because it's, like, the
only thing I have.

Like, it's all I have. I can't even have
sex with you. I have to go jerk off.

That's the only way I can get off.

And, like, you have to understand, like,
I've been working out lately. I need to

have sex. I want to have sex. If
Brittany came to me and said the whole

of our relationship is over, I'd be
hitting the door.

We're going for a run.

A long run.

Sometimes you have a little argument.

It'll turn it off like that.

What are you and Brittany fighting
about? I have no f***ing clue. It's me.

100 % me. You give to yourself and you
start throwing everything you've done

her. You know what?

Sabotage. Because everything's finally
going right and I'm like, you know what?

I gotta f*** this up somehow.

That's... I'm gonna sabotage.

She is the perfect girlfriend for me.
No, I know.

It's never gonna get better than that.

That's it. That's the almighty. This is
how life should be. But she's always

done. But, oh, what do I do? I gotta
f*** this up somehow because that's what

Jack does.

That was a good one. Jack would prefer
me to, like, run around the block in

Converse with no socks on so he could
lick my... Oh, yeah, well, I know about

that. Yeah, I get to lick it.

Lick your shoulder.

I'm like, yeah!

I'm like, no!

Get out of there!

You know, girls don't always want to sit
around and talk about... tampons and

makeup and bridget jones's diary
sometimes girls really do sit down and

about the bone zone and go into boner
town erection city that's why we're

at nascar and not having a tea party oh
my god i'm swimming i'm in a fishbowl

get me out of here coming up Well, we're
doing green tea shots.

I'll do whatever you want.

I'll throw up. That's like bad college
memories for me. Oh, they're all bad

memories for me, but I just keep on
going.

Want to go to the bar?

Yeah. Yay.

Perfect.

Hi, welcome.

I'm having a dilemma on what to drink.
I, like, really, like, I want beer, but

I'm doing beer.

I'd rather just be a little better. If
you just stick to beer, then you're not

going to be no longer. I can do beer and
shots.

I can do beer and shots, too. I can't do
liquor and shots. Done.

Well, we're doing green tea shots.

One of those, I will be hungover.

Really? I'll do whatever you want.

I'll throw up. Uh, listen, Debbie
f***ing Downer. There's, like, a cool

decline a shot. The one way to not do it
is to remind me that I'll be hungover.

That's like bad college memories for me.
That, Washington Apple shot.

Oh, they're all bad memories for me, but
I just keep on going, you know?

Cheers. Should I get a chaser?

Wait, there's like... It's so good. I
would drink those until I passed out.

Tina, I took a sip. I tried it.

We'll share it.

Like our brain.

These girls may share a brain, but what
they don't share is my workout regimen.

So y 'all can drink the sugary, then
I'll be just fine.

It's her birthday.

Are you kidding me?

It is. It's her birthday.

22.

How did you know?

That's my lucky number.

You know what my lucky number is? 22?

It is?

Oh. I go real deep. I go real like. I go
granular with this. I was hoping for

like. Some younger hot dudes.

All right, so we're going to do a shot,
right?

Like, gray -pubed?

No, I can't.

No. Can we come over there later, or
what?

Maybe we can later. All right, I'm in.
All right, we'll see you later. Thank

you. Thank you. That's very sweet. I
think we found you a suitor.

Yay!

What's the oldest you would date?

Forty -five.

But there's a lot of things to consider
because if you get serious about

someone, you think about kids and stuff
like that. I mean, what do you mean?

What do you have in respect to me?

Get that reverse.

Oh.

Happy birthday, Ariana!

Woo! Happy birthday!

My birthday!

We're so nasty, all right?

Normally, I don't get to see Ariana this
strong.

Yeah, hot dogs, I got to see them. Yeah,
hot dogs, I got to see them.

I don't know. I think it's great. I love
it.

Yeah. Ew, dude.

Yes, I love it. That's what we came here
for, man.

We're not being boozy. Give me a fucking
bite of that. Has it been in your butt?

Who's butt hasn't been in anybody's
butt? You got hot sauce on it.

Like, Ariana doesn't get drunk all the
time, like us. She's responsible.

What? But when she does get drunk, she's
eating a piece of half -cooked steak

with her hands, chugging tequila.

You should be like that more often,
Ariana.

On the grill.

He's burning her ass. Literally.

Whoa, whoa.

That ass is hot.

How are you? Sorry. How are you? Good,
how are you?

Hi, Matt.

Love it. Love it. Love all of you. Thank
you.

Anyways.

Oh, that's it. Okay.

I thought you had somewhere else to go.
I know.

He's tall.

He's not as old as my grandfather.

We're getting a little warmer.

What did I interrupt?

It's her birthday.

Oh, really? Happy birthday. Thank you
very much.

22. Really? I'm not.

She keeps forgetting, so we wrote it
down since you remembered.

That's how you know.

Then he starts talking, and we get a
little cooler.

Welcome to my talk, and hopefully you
get a lot of life.

Challenge accepted.

And we're freaking freezing.

I feel like I'm getting a second or a
third wind. Yes, I totally am.

Where do we light things on fire?

Where can we get a... I don't know your
name. I'm so sorry. What's your name?

What is it? Are you like a god?

Layer teeth?

Where are you from?

Yeah.

It's my favorite place in the world.

Santorini is so romantic, you have to be
a couple. I know, I'm going for my

honeymoon. I went there by myself and I
felt like an asshole.

No, no, I'm going for my honeymoon.

My friend Lizard, can we stay with him?
Then he had a house in St. Louis.

Dad, you could hit it off. We broke from
Athens to there. We're about to

exchange numbers.

What's up, asshead?

If you guys go to Greece, you will
understand.

and you will be obsessed with Lisa's
love. Bottom line, Katie's never going

be my wing woman.

I'm starting to think that, like, I'm
going to be single for a very long time.

If this is what's out there, I'm... Bye,
thank you so much.

Thank you.

Coming up.

If she's told not to go to Sonoma, that
could have been two minutes before the

plane and she wouldn't board it. She's
completely wrapped around this guy's

finger.

What's up, buddy boy?

How you doing? Good.

How's life?

It was brutal.

Let's go. Are you ready to go out? Are
you ready to have a nice life? Yeah, of

course.

Ouch. What are you doing here?

Just kidnapping him. Don't let him
influence you. Am I a bad influence?

I'm always looking after him.

Exactly. Go do what you've got to do.
Yeah, let's go.

Bye, Mum. Love you.

I fired James from Sir, but
unfortunately I can't fire him from

with my son.

I want to talk to you, but this is
nothing about your job. This is nothing

you coming back here.

All right.

Have you heard from Lala at all?

No, why?

Do you know where she is? She went to
Sonoma for Ariana's birthday.

She goes to Sonoma.

Are you serious?

No, I'm serious.

Absolutely not.

That is insane.

She was texting everyone last night
saying she's so excited.

Last night? She was saying she was
excited? So what's happened between last

night and today? The only thing I can
think of is her boyfriend.

Like, I mean, she... But who is her
boyfriend?

You've met him? I've never met him, no.
He's sneaky, I think. Like, he kind of

just, like, follows Lala out sometimes.

I feel like Lala's scared to do what she
wants to do sometimes, and I feel like

Lala, you know, if she's told not to go
to Sonoma, then that could have been two

minutes before the plane and she
wouldn't have bought it.

Like, she's completely wrapped around
this guy's finger.

She wonders why everybody is so
fascinated at her relationship, and it's

because... She's making it so
fascinating by telling everybody a

about it. I worry about that girl, I
really do. I worry that she makes right

choices. She's not right now. She's not
making right choices at all.

You've never seen her with her
boyfriend?

No, but I've been over at her house
where she'll shut the blinds to make

her boyfriend doesn't walk past and see
me inside.

Are you serious?

Yeah, or we're watching this TV show. I
went like this under the table and she

was like, who's that?

I was like, you're that scared and a
knock on the door.

That's what's wrong with this
relationship, Lala.

I don't know if she's dating a married
man or not, but she's dating somebody

that's shrouded in mystery. She's not
allowed to speak his name out loud. And

think Lala really deserves a little bit
better than that.

All right, just don't be a bad influence
on my son. You hear me? I'm definitely

going to be on with this baby tonight
and those young kids.

All right, I'll see you later. Bye.

Guys, should we call Tom?

Yeah, see how the RV sleepover is going.

What are you doing, Boba?

Hi, Boba. We were just at the bar making
friends with a bunch of Montaco.

Friendies. Yeah, we have a beautiful
view. We have an RV. We have maybe an

unlimited supply of beer.

ask for everything you could ask for i
think i could probably ask for like a

bunch of things all right in this given
moment it's everything i can ask for but

you know i don't want to stay in like a
posh swanky hotel i like it it's like

frankly i'm a little worried whether or
not schwartz is cut out for the rv

life because he loves a posh hotel more
than anyone i know he'll walk around in

the robe and the slippers and take a
bath and it's not a bathtub

Can't have a bubble bath, and I'm sure
it doesn't come with nice terrycloth

robes. Bob!

What? We're all kind of curious. What
the f*** happened with Lala?

It's an absolute mystery. We never got
to the bottom of it. What theories did

come up with as to why Lala didn't come?

Tom Sandoval's here. Take this one.

I had to walk it off. I don't want to
get into it. I'm actually really pissed

off about it. There was a lot of
planning that went into this. Why she

I'm kind of reveling in the fact that...
everyone's eyes are going to be finally

opened to the fact that this is who she
is. No one should be giving her any

allowances. Lots of people appreciate my
theory. I think she got abducted by

tall greys.

George, oh my God, I cannot believe you
just said that. I was literally about to

say that my theory was that she was
abducted from tall greys. George, I got

There are many different types of
aliens.

There are short greys, tall whites,
Pleiadians, but tall greys are my

If Lala did get abducted by aliens, I
wonder what she's doing up there in that

spaceship. She's probably blowing
married tall greys so she can get space

Rovers. I miss you. I love you.

I love you, Bubba. I love you.

Bubba, I love when we don't fight. Look,
we just call each other. We check in.

We don't be passive aggressive.

Yeah, I think it's... pee in a
relationship to spend some healthy time

feel like it does wonders for the
relationship overall. Well, I don't want

jinx it, but it seems like there'll be
no rage texts tonight. Just sweet, short

love texts.

So this is the type of relationship I'm
talking about.

Well, we're going to get naked and
skinny dipped in the ocean, so have fun.

I'm on my way.

That was you, right, bud?

All right, I love you, buddy. Okay.

Bye, guys.

I'm on my way.

Oh, my God. For a minute, it sounded
like it could have been a stand -alone.

wasn't sure.

Good night,

man. We're going to bed.

Oh, we're going to bed.

Bed time. Get that booty up there. We
got NASCAR in the morning. Good night.

I'm sleeping fully clothed, no joke.

Jack, no snoring, man. Yeah, she's
taking those pants off. Woo -hoo!

You know,

I know a year ago when I left after your
birthday party, you were really mad at

me. Last year for Ariana's 30th
birthday, it was a milestone.

And it definitely hit her hard that her
dad wasn't there for that. And then the

fact that I left for Vegas the following
day didn't help.

I'm always going to be here for you. But
apparently he told me that we're going

to a construction yard and we're taking
bulldozers and like... crushing with

bulldozers okay like whatever dude
you're never gonna get it it's fine i

she's in a way better headspace this
year but i just want to make sure that

ariana knows how important her birthday
is to me i know this time of year can be

hard for you and i don't know i just i
wanted to make sure no matter what that

was here

I'm just glad you're actually spending
the night with me on my birthday.

That's all I wanted before.

I'm sorry.

I think Tom

has more than redeemed himself for last
year. He does it in little ways every

day, and honestly, I have no greater
ally.

Oh, my God.

Oh, this is perfect right here. Oh, this
is good. This is good.

Ew, man, did you fart?

Farts are not allowed.

Oh, that's getting worse.

Good night, asshole.

Coming up.

Is this the part where we get naked and
go jump in the ocean?

Yes, it is!

I'll videotape you guys. Come on!

Girl, I'm freezing already. I'm not
jumping in freezing cold water. I don't

care. I'm not doing it. I hate to break
it to you, but you're going in there.

But I'm not.

This is a pledge. No, it sounds like
peer pressure.

It sounds like all three of you ganging
up on me.

How did Sheena not get the memo that on
Stassi's birthday, we get naked and we

jump into bodies of water?

The dirt is not up my ass. Get with it.
It's not that hard.

Honestly, right here.

Love you.

One,

two, three.

Really?

A lighthouse is pointed directly at my
naked body and people are cheering at

What?

All these things are happening.

No one talked to me.

No one talked with me.

It's not a Rihanna concert. Everybody
shut up.

Next time on Vanderpump Rules.

Here they go. Here they go.

Dude, Jack, you f***ing tortured her
this morning. If I asked once in a

hey, can I have a sandwich or do I do my
laundry as well?

Dude, I'd bob down if I was in a reverse
situation.

If I were Brittany, Jack would either be
bleeding or dead right now.

Do you think there's some talent here
for you to exercise your single muscles?

The one right in front of me is who I
would normally go for. For Kyle?

Lala, I really don't know what's going
on. All I know is you give as good as

get. I think it's best for me to walk
away from this workplace.