Original subtitles

Previously on Vanderpump Rules, we start the summer in Hampton. Right. You ever

been up to Montauk? 224 is my favorite day. Definitely should make a girls'

and come.

I don't even know what to do about this trip. I don't know if Stassi's going to

disinvite me.

They're just bullies, dude. You guys are going to Montauk this weekend, so I

need to fix this. Right, and you do, and you will.

This week, Patrick and I aren't together.

Kind of normal for you and Patrick. If a dude comes up to me, I will entertain

it.

Ariana's birthday coming up. I'm invited this year. Have you ever been to a

NASCAR race before?

No. But I want to go.

You're going to Panama?

Yes. I'm nervous.

Tell everybody with kindness.

We have to.

I want to make it the best birthday ever for Ariana.

And if anybody stands in the way of that, I'm going to be pissed.

This is where they make bricerone, the San Francisco treat.

Let's chill for a minute. Okay. What kind of car did you get us?

Something comfy, something cute. Yeah, something cute, like a Miata, you know.

love Miata.

I'm going to go fill out some paperwork and stuff like that. You got it? Yeah,

yeah, I'll be fine. It's Ariana's birthday trip. We're going to be going

Country. We're going to be going to NASCAR.

And unbeknownst to everyone else, me and Ariana have this really big surprise

that we've worked out.

And it's going to be awesome.

You guys ever figure out what happened to Lala?

Well, actually, she texted me.

But hold on. I'll read it to you guys.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it last minute.

Enjoy this celebration with close friends and family.

Thank you for always being kind to me and including me. I promise I will make

up to you. Happy birthday, boo. Okay, I get it. I get it.

I never thought Lala would teach me anything in this world. But I was wrong.

See, he literally just talked about it yesterday. Yeah. And didn't say she

wasn't coming. Turns out, you can flake out on your friends.

And all you have to do is write, I'm sorry, boo, in a text message, and all

forgiven.

Oh, my God, this is not sustainable.

Oh, what the fuck?

No way.

You just kicked it up ten knots.

Welcome to the Sonoma Express.

You just kicked it up ten knots.

I mean, I'm not going to lie. I was a little concerned.

You know, the cabin is kind of small.

Oh, so it is a cabin.

Yeah. Okay.

Are we all sleeping in one room?

We've done trips before. We're all sleeping in one room.

But, like, this couldn't be any better. We're going to be kind of in close

counters.

Close counters?

Is that right?

Close quarters.

Close counters. Why did I say close counters?

Yo, this thing looks awesome.

I've been wanting to do this since I moved to California.

Yeah! I just realized that we're the only girls on this trip.

I don't know how you're going to poop with the door open. I know.

That's why you asked me to bring the poopery.

Oh, thank you. This is awesome.

This up here is a bed right here.

Oh, my God.

I think a bed comes out of here. That's probably a bed.

I'm no stranger to RVs. I know how awesome they are.

The only thing that sucks is, like, Jackson, Tom, and Tom, they all fart so

much. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, these chaps.

I know. I should wash my hair before I play. Those boys just fart like crazy.

Drives me nuts.

They do.

All right, guys, we're moving.

Am I going to be car sick? Oh, did you get car sick? Yeah.

Oh, Brittany gets car sick.

Tequila will help that. Disney, you want to do the first shot?

Yeah. Is it cold yet? I just put it in the freezer.

It is not cold.

Just jizzed out of the ceiling.

Todd, we're taking out the f***ing roof.

You know what? I thought there would be some nicking of cars, maybe a side swipe

and knocked over a cone.

Eventually. We're not even out of the parking lot yet.

We went ten feet and we're already in trouble.

The Sonoma Express does not stop for cosmetic damage.

Full steam ahead.

So we need to get a beer right now, otherwise I'm going to lose steam and

able to do anything.

I have to keep this going, otherwise we're going to be home late. Beer for

breakfast. Beer for breakfast.

This is my 28th birthday.

I have not had a birthday trip in two years.

Guys, I want to get beer and jerky.

Please.

We're celebrating my birthday in Montauk because we were invited by the Work It

Twins. Guys, this is the worst with jerky. It takes, like, pennies.

My birthdays haven't always been the classiest events, but they're always

eventful.

Now the party's here.

How dare you ruin my birthday like that? What are you trying to prove? Do you

want to go? Mother...

You want to go?

Stop bitching. What do you want me to say? I just feel like Montauk

is the perfect place for me to get away because aren't there like bougie, blue

-blooded, fancy types here?

Like that's exactly what I need right now.

How does this happen that everything is blue and white stripes like my wardrobe

that I brought here?

It's going to be so much fun.

Cool.

Look it, there's a beach right there.

Look how pretty everything is. It's like our own little personal home. I know.

So nice.

Ooh.

Dude. So nautical.

I'm really excited to be in Montauk. It is beautiful. The weather's gorgeous. So

I'm just hoping that everyone's attitudes can stay with the sunny

Oh, our bathroom's really cute.

Aw.

We've been fighting so much, but I'm hoping this can be the first step in the

right direction to repairing anything that's been broken.

We'll see.

It literally is a little private beach.

Gina, come look.

How are you feeling with Gina right now?

I think we all are here with a common purpose, obviously, to celebrate your

birthday. And not that anyone's, like, pushing anything aside or brushing

anything under the rug, but I'm not harboring anything. I'm not bottling up

you know, penting up anything towards her. Let this not be, like, one of those

trips where she's just, like, being selfish and making it about her and,

well, I don't want to do, like, certain things.

A lot of planning went into this. Like, a lot of planning. This wasn't just,

like, a normal trip. Like, everything with the RV, everything.

NASCAR. We had super VIP tickets that were expensive.

Yeah, and we had to get them in the person's name that's coming.

It's like, dude, if she, like, for real Blake Flakes, I'm going to be really

pissed. Like, I'm going to be livid.

I don't know if Lala realizes this, but she's just giving everybody an excuse.

to hate on her. I'm just going to hold off judgment until I have the real

I just hope that whatever it is that's going on, it better be important.

We have more room now.

For activities.

There's more room for activities.

Jax?

Are you sleeping?

Hey, I'm just getting ready. I'm checking my eyelids for holes.

Why didn't you sit by me on the plane, Jax? We live together, sleep together,

eat together, play together.

I'm sure you'd be okay with 45 minutes on a flight. You'd be all right. So

annoying. Isn't it annoying?

I think I'm going to FaceTime with Tina really fast.

Everything cool about our trip, Brittany just ruined by calling them. Oh, hush.

What happens in Montauk is probably not going to stay in Montauk because it'll

end up on Snapchat.

Well, it already kind of has.

Brittany wants to FaceTime.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, y 'all.

Are you guys in a boat?

Oh, you're in a motorhome.

All of you? All of us, but Lala didn't come. What happened?

Wait, so Lala didn't even tell Ariana that she wasn't showing up? Not until

after we already left, yeah.

I mean, this is f***ed up. Like, it's because of Lala that I'm not invited to

Sonoma. This bitch took my spot, and now she didn't even show up. She said she

couldn't handle Tom's raw sexual magnitude.

It's just too damn sexy. I couldn't be in a motorhome next to him. It's

understandable.

Look at this.

I bet Sheena would hate this.

Yeah, I'm good in my nautical suite with an oceanfront view and balcony.

It's actually fun, though.

It's like a redneck dream right now.

All right, well, you guys have fun. Keep me posted on everything.

We love you.

Bye. Love you guys. Love you, too.

He's like a redneck dream.

Coming up.

Talk to me more about your perfect relationship right now. Are you crying?

What's going on? Are we busy?

Oh, yeah. Just trying to figure out where to put the party. Like, it's 30 in

garden. Why don't you give them the veranda?

Have they paid just for the garden?

They paid for the garden. It's a nice evening. Open the front door so we can

the terrace as well. Push everybody back. All right. Sounds good.

All right. Hello.

Hi, Lisa.

Darling, how are you?

It's so good up here. We're having the best time.

Okay, good.

Have you seen or heard from Lala at all?

No, no, no. She took time off. I thought she was with you.

She was supposed to be with us and then she didn't show up to the airport this

morning. She sent me a text apologizing and saying that she was sorry she had to

miss a trip last minute. But when I asked her what happened, she hasn't

responded to me. I mean, it's kind of irritating for me because she begged for

the night off. It's a busy Saturday night. I'd like to trust Lala.

But she started our relationship with a little bit of a lie.

How was the modeling?

It's a long story. You didn't really have a modeling job, though, did you?

So, I'm a little hesitant to believe a lot of what she says.

It's your birthday.

Just forget about it. Right? Just have a good time. Be safe.

All right. Speak to you later.

All right. Have a good weekend.

All right, darling. Okay, bye -bye. Pretty clear that if Lala's not with

And she's not at work. She's basically just proving to me that she's fadious,

and I'm over it.

All right, are we passing around some tequila or what?

Yeah.

It's so pretty.

The thing is, New Yorkers are like go, go, go all the time, and they go to

Montauk to decompress and do nothing.

I... do nothing all the time, so I don't really get the appeal.

We make drinks real fast.

OK, who wants what?

Sheena, what do you want?

I'm OK.

It's my birthday, and I want everybody to drink. Well, if you wouldn't have

taken my straw earlier, I can't. The ice might be way too sensitive.

All right. All right. Yes, this is typical Sheena. Maybe the drink isn't at

right temperature for her, or we don't have the right straw.

Like, seriously, just, like, have a drink.

OK?

Brittany FaceTimed us.

All of them are staying in an RV together.

What? They're all in an RV.

Brittany said, it's a redneck dream.

A redneck dream and my worst nightmare.

All of them? So, Tom and Ariana, Jax, Brittany, Jeremy, Tom, and Lala?

Lala didn't come.

Wait, really?

Weird.

I guess she texted Ariana and just apologized but didn't give any

It's actually probably better that she's not there. Well, it makes you feel

better for Britney.

Oh, no, totally. Britney was, like, beaming. Like, she was so happy.

If Lala's not there, then it's, like, okay, the hassle that she would cause

Schwartz while she's, like, trying to skank on him. I know.

Remember, this is a girl that doesn't wear underwear to work.

Does anybody want to try this on?

I don't have underwear on. You've got a short dress on and no one. one.

You're welcome.

A girl that can't keep her top on for more than three minutes.

I feel like I should send Lala a thank you card, because even 3 ,500 miles away

on that trip, she was still going to bug me. So, thank you, Lala. God, we're

such haters.

Oh, we're passing the Sonoma County line.

Here we are. It's official.

Hey,

guys, if you're changing when you get there, just start visualizing our

now. I don't visualize outfits. I just put them on. Well, if that's what you

then that's what you do.

Here we are, guys.

Oh, it's so pretty.

Jack. What, honey?

Get your stuff and come out here so we can change in there.

Hey, Jack, show me some titty.

What are you putting stuff on in there for? I just put deodorant on, honey. I

got you.

Jack's had a breast reduction surgery.

Dude, look at that service knife. It's got the bra built in it.

I have both had breast augmentation. Male -female couple.

Yeah. That's a rare combo, dude.

Right now, he's got the compression bra on, the man bra, and he hasn't showered

in like a week, and he smells really, really bad.

Aw, Jack.

I had a bra just like that when I was 10.

Just to give you an idea, he smells like he's worn the same jockstrap for a year

and ran every day that year and not washed it once.

I took my vest off. It feels so good.

Oh, let me see the boobs.

Damn, big debut.

Damn.

Thanks for dressing up, dude.

Don't do that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

All right. Hey, how's it going? I'm Tom. I'm Tom, too, as well. Nice to meet

you.

Hi, Ariana. And it's your birthday as well, I believe. It is my birthday.

birthday. Congratulations.

Thank you. I'm the assistant winemaker.

I'm helping making wine here with the winemaker as well.

And we learned about some grapes. Taste some wine out here in the garden. That's

perfect. That's perfect.

I love that.

Thank you so much. I've been to wineries before, and it's a kind of high -class

thing, but we're pulling up to this place in a freaking Winnebago.

I mean, could we be more of a sore thumb?

Here, so we've got six wines for you guys.

First up, we've got the cashmere white.

It's the first one on the right there, yeah.

You were good? Yeah. I'm not a huge wine drinker. I can drink it. I'm just not a

big fan of it. Being sober at a winery, you can take a whole new look at things,

I'll tell you that.

If we were going to like a vodka vineyard, that would be awesome.

But it's okay. I don't mind.

Yeah, it's got a really nice vibrant flavor to it. It's got a creaminess to

It's got a little nuttiness in there as well. It has a nice semen finish. Do you

notice that?

Yeah, it does.

How do you know what it tastes like?

Yeah, how do you know what semen tastes like? No, I'm just kidding. I don't. I'm

just... This is my favorite one so far.

I never have been a wine drinker. If it was shots of tequila, different types of

whiskeys or bourbon, I'm your girl. But when it comes to wine, I have no idea

what I'm talking about.

This one is the Klein Chardonnay, 100 % Chardonnay from a state fruit.

Cabernet, Merlot, Malbec, Maybach, Malbec,

Clerico.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Sangria.

I don't know what that is.

It's been great having you guys, and it's been so much fun showing you

Thank you so much, Tom. This has been so wonderful.

All right, guys, I got an idea. We should do high car cut.

Loser has to take a shot of the spill bucket.

This is a high stakes game here. It may not seem like much, but there was people

at that table before us spitting in the bucket.

Queens,

yeah. And then we topped it off with more wine spit.

I feel like being third is putting me in a bad position to get a low card.

And whoever gets the lowest card has to drink that spit bucket.

I told you!

I told you! Being third was putting me in a bad position. Is that an eight? Oh,

my God. I got an eight. Who knows what kind of weird bacteria have been

fermenting in there. I don't know if bacteria can ferment, but it's not going

be good.

I'm so nervous right now.

Hand! Hand! Oh, my God. Heal the deal, man.

Okay, stop.

It's just a nice blend, really.

We'll just do it here.

I'm about to do it. Think about that as it's going down your throat. Definitely

people's backwash.

Nobody knows what it is.

It was the flower pot. We'll blame it on the flower pot.

There it is.

Nice.

It was so, like, sour.

Like, it was so... Respect.

Respect, Ariana.

Our trip and their trip are so different. It's apples and oranges.

Team Sonoma for the win. Happy birthday.

I'm not jerking off as an option.

It's the only thing I have.

I need to have sex.

I want to have sex.

Maybe Lala found out it was in an RV.

I mean, it is a deal breaker for some people.

Close quarters are going to cause fights.

Do I disagree with Tom, like, on the regular?

Yeah, I'm in a perfect relationship, and we even disagree.

Holy. Oh, my God. Oh,

my God.

Wait, that's supposed to be good luck if it lands on you. I was going to say, if

you got pooped on for your birthday, it's good luck. Wait, Chris, to back up,

did you say I'm in a perfect relationship? No one's in the perfect

I mean, it's like 90 % perfect.

Talk to me more about your perfect relationship right now. At least you

real engagement ring.

You went up to me so hard. Yeah, Kristen, where's your fake engagement

weirdo? I'm sorry, you're my boyfriend, so shut the fuck up, birthday girl.

Jesus Christ.

That's mean.

No, it's not.

We're just kidding. We love you.

I know. Who wouldn't love me? It's going to be fun. My boyfriend?

My boyfriend?

Dossie was very...

propped up when her and Patrick first started dating. This is going to be the

bedroom. So that is where I will be having sex with my boyfriend. This is

to be Patrick's studio or nursery, whatever.

It's like a long way to fall after being up so high. And I could say karma's a

bitch, but I won't because I'm not a grudge holder.

When I was single, you just like make out with people and it's fun. And it's

just like distractions are good. Yeah, I got it.

Fun. I got it. This is what I don't want. Are you crying? You've been

this every fucking time I see you guys. I know. Are you upset?

I know. It's fun.

No, it's fun.

So we've got married, engaged, and the 90 % perfect relationship. So happy

birthday to me.

Me as cumpleaños, bitches.

As me cumpleaños.

Whatever. Here comes a single maple poop on you.

Show me, please.

Why don't you want to show me?

We are here. We have arrived.

We made it. We finally made it. I feel like the RV really wants us

to be drunken idiots on my birthday.

Ariana, show them the you -know -what. Show them the quizzle.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm glad we got a door in that

background.

Hey, you can do one butt cheek at a time.

I went to college for this.

It's on your acting resume?

It better be.

Special skills.

Woo! Ariana, pass me the tequila.

Woo! It is!

We're amongst our people.

Hello. James.

What's up, mate?

Good,

how are you? Good, good. I've been sober for about two weeks. A cappuccino with

two espresso shots, please.

A scoop of that roasted banana looks great.

Let's do a scoop of the honey lavender as well. Crazy flavors over here. Love

it. And honestly, anytime that I'm having a craving, I just go and get some

cream instead. You could say I traded my whiskey on the rocks for Rocky Road on

the Cone. A little rum raisin on the weekend if I'm feeling a little

adventurous. Tell me everything.

All right, well, where do I begin?

You know, everyone has their slip -ups, I feel like.

And there was one slip -up the other week, but then I'm like, you know...

What would Arthur do in this situation?

I know, I do literally think that.

Arthur was the GM at Pump, but since then, like, he's really become a really

close friend of mine and almost like a mentor. Let's just say in the last

call Katie pregnant because she looks bad in the third dress.

Sue me. You know? After that, I got assaulted.

And this was at Pump? Yeah. Two days later, I got fired from Pump and Sir for

yelling at Insert.

Okay. So you're fired from Pump and Sir.

So what's that tell you?

To not drink.

You're a grown -ass man.

I think you are man enough to hold the job and not get fired.

I am.

You know, I subscribe to the belief that the problem is not really the problem.

There's something underneath it, right? What is underneath all of that? My

family is broken apart.

It breaks my heart.

Makes me want whiskey.

Or a cigarette. Just something. I want something right now. Another espresso

shot. Does it fix it?

You know, I don't give a f*** if it does or not. I don't know what else is going

to do tonight.

Probably nothing else tonight is going to fix it. I mean, I think you're

topically trying to sprinkle magic fairy dust to make your problems go away.

I feel like a drink right now. We're not having one. I'm not going to support

that.

Arthur's just the perfect guy to chat with me. He understands me. He

where I'm coming from. He understands where I could potentially take myself in

my life. And he's always believed in me.

Hey, I was going to ask you, you guys need a DJ at Redberry?

He also has got a really thick bar on Hollywood and Vine that I would love to

at. The minute you said that you got fired from Pump, fired from Serve, I

this would come up.

Look, I think if you're going to DJ for us, you're not drinking.

100%. And the minute you break your word, there's got to be consequences.

Like I got to cut your hair or something.

Or fire me.

Fire you and cut your hair.

Can you shake my hand?

What? This isn't a deal shake. I just want to thank you for having my back.

I guess for the time being, it's going to be sober DJ James Kennedy behind the

decks. You know, I can't let Lisa down. I can't let myself down.

And I don't want to let Arthur down either, you know? This is the first day

the rest of my life.

Let's get weird. Let's have fun.

Without the alcohol.

Without alcohol.

Thank you so much, dude.

Heck, other people are judging us because of our mini grill.

Dude, it's not the size. It's how you use it, man. Come on. You're right.

right. You're right. You guys want to sit down and talk about life?

I'm not going to lie to you now.

If you want to get the feelings in, let's get it in right now.

Where's the girls? Where's Brittany and Ariana?

Birthday shot.

Brittany, you knew when you invited me here this was going to happen.

Are you having fun?

Oh my God, I'm having the best time.

I'm so glad you came.

I'm happy too. Are you having fun too?

Yeah. Cool.

I'm glad.

I'm so excited to be here in Sonoma having the f***ing time of our lives.

No joke, this bottle was us.

I don't think anyone else drank out of this bottle.

Because I didn't want to go out to a nice dinner or go out to a club and

to be dressed up the whole time and just feeling, like, that restriction.

Like, that.

Dude, me and Ariana, like, lately, like, in the past few months.

Jeremy, I know it's a little awkward. I know what you're saying. Go ahead. I'm

well aware.

I've been, like, trying to have sex with Ariana, and she's, like, not been into

it. Right. You start to feel like I'm f***ing, like, like a skis. You start to

feel sleazy.

Tom and I were arguing about not having sex because I'm the one that's like, get

the f*** off of me.

Stop trying to go down on me all the time.

What? I would never be like, stop trying to go down on me all the time.

Well, I'm like, I literally just got home from the gym. Can you not, though?

I was like, I'm not jerking off as an option.

I'm jerking off because it's, like, the only thing I have.

Like, it's all I have. I can't even have sex with you. I have to go jerk off.

That's the only way I can get off.

And, like, you have to understand, like, I've been working out lately. I need to

have sex. I want to have sex. If Brittany came to me and said the whole

of our relationship is over, I'd be hitting the door.

We're going for a run.

A long run.

Sometimes you have a little argument.

It'll turn it off like that.

What are you and Brittany fighting about? I have no f***ing clue. It's me.

100 % me. You give to yourself and you start throwing everything you've done

her. You know what?

Sabotage. Because everything's finally going right and I'm like, you know what?

I gotta f*** this up somehow.

That's... I'm gonna sabotage.

She is the perfect girlfriend for me. No, I know.

It's never gonna get better than that.

That's it. That's the almighty. This is how life should be. But she's always

done. But, oh, what do I do? I gotta f*** this up somehow because that's what

Jack does.

That was a good one. Jack would prefer me to, like, run around the block in

Converse with no socks on so he could lick my... Oh, yeah, well, I know about

that. Yeah, I get to lick it.

Lick your shoulder.

I'm like, yeah!

I'm like, no!

Get out of there!

You know, girls don't always want to sit around and talk about... tampons and

makeup and bridget jones's diary sometimes girls really do sit down and

about the bone zone and go into boner town erection city that's why we're

at nascar and not having a tea party oh my god i'm swimming i'm in a fishbowl

get me out of here coming up Well, we're doing green tea shots.

I'll do whatever you want.

I'll throw up. That's like bad college memories for me. Oh, they're all bad

memories for me, but I just keep on going.

Want to go to the bar?

Yeah. Yay.

Perfect.

Hi, welcome.

I'm having a dilemma on what to drink. I, like, really, like, I want beer, but

I'm doing beer.

I'd rather just be a little better. If you just stick to beer, then you're not

going to be no longer. I can do beer and shots.

I can do beer and shots, too. I can't do liquor and shots. Done.

Well, we're doing green tea shots.

One of those, I will be hungover.

Really? I'll do whatever you want.

I'll throw up. Uh, listen, Debbie f***ing Downer. There's, like, a cool

decline a shot. The one way to not do it is to remind me that I'll be hungover.

That's like bad college memories for me. That, Washington Apple shot.

Oh, they're all bad memories for me, but I just keep on going, you know?

Cheers. Should I get a chaser?

Wait, there's like... It's so good. I would drink those until I passed out.

Tina, I took a sip. I tried it.

We'll share it.

Like our brain.

These girls may share a brain, but what they don't share is my workout regimen.

So y 'all can drink the sugary, then I'll be just fine.

It's her birthday.

Are you kidding me?

It is. It's her birthday.

22.

How did you know?

That's my lucky number.

You know what my lucky number is? 22?

It is?

Oh. I go real deep. I go real like. I go granular with this. I was hoping for

like. Some younger hot dudes.

All right, so we're going to do a shot, right?

Like, gray -pubed?

No, I can't.

No. Can we come over there later, or what?

Maybe we can later. All right, I'm in. All right, we'll see you later. Thank

you. Thank you. That's very sweet. I think we found you a suitor.

Yay!

What's the oldest you would date?

Forty -five.

But there's a lot of things to consider because if you get serious about

someone, you think about kids and stuff like that. I mean, what do you mean?

What do you have in respect to me?

Get that reverse.

Oh.

Happy birthday, Ariana!

Woo! Happy birthday!

My birthday!

We're so nasty, all right?

Normally, I don't get to see Ariana this strong.

Yeah, hot dogs, I got to see them. Yeah, hot dogs, I got to see them.

I don't know. I think it's great. I love it.

Yeah. Ew, dude.

Yes, I love it. That's what we came here for, man.

We're not being boozy. Give me a fucking bite of that. Has it been in your butt?

Who's butt hasn't been in anybody's butt? You got hot sauce on it.

Like, Ariana doesn't get drunk all the time, like us. She's responsible.

What? But when she does get drunk, she's eating a piece of half -cooked steak

with her hands, chugging tequila.

You should be like that more often, Ariana.

On the grill.

He's burning her ass. Literally.

Whoa, whoa.

That ass is hot.

How are you? Sorry. How are you? Good, how are you?

Hi, Matt.

Love it. Love it. Love all of you. Thank you.

Anyways.

Oh, that's it. Okay.

I thought you had somewhere else to go. I know.

He's tall.

He's not as old as my grandfather.

We're getting a little warmer.

What did I interrupt?

It's her birthday.

Oh, really? Happy birthday. Thank you very much.

22. Really? I'm not.

She keeps forgetting, so we wrote it down since you remembered.

That's how you know.

Then he starts talking, and we get a little cooler.

Welcome to my talk, and hopefully you get a lot of life.

Challenge accepted.

And we're freaking freezing.

I feel like I'm getting a second or a third wind. Yes, I totally am.

Where do we light things on fire?

Where can we get a... I don't know your name. I'm so sorry. What's your name?

What is it? Are you like a god?

Layer teeth?

Where are you from?

Yeah.

It's my favorite place in the world.

Santorini is so romantic, you have to be a couple. I know, I'm going for my

honeymoon. I went there by myself and I felt like an asshole.

No, no, I'm going for my honeymoon.

My friend Lizard, can we stay with him? Then he had a house in St. Louis.

Dad, you could hit it off. We broke from Athens to there. We're about to

exchange numbers.

What's up, asshead?

If you guys go to Greece, you will understand.

and you will be obsessed with Lisa's love. Bottom line, Katie's never going

be my wing woman.

I'm starting to think that, like, I'm going to be single for a very long time.

If this is what's out there, I'm... Bye, thank you so much.

Thank you.

Coming up.

If she's told not to go to Sonoma, that could have been two minutes before the

plane and she wouldn't board it. She's completely wrapped around this guy's

finger.

What's up, buddy boy?

How you doing? Good.

How's life?

It was brutal.

Let's go. Are you ready to go out? Are you ready to have a nice life? Yeah, of

course.

Ouch. What are you doing here?

Just kidnapping him. Don't let him influence you. Am I a bad influence?

I'm always looking after him.

Exactly. Go do what you've got to do. Yeah, let's go.

Bye, Mum. Love you.

I fired James from Sir, but unfortunately I can't fire him from

with my son.

I want to talk to you, but this is nothing about your job. This is nothing

you coming back here.

All right.

Have you heard from Lala at all?

No, why?

Do you know where she is? She went to Sonoma for Ariana's birthday.

She goes to Sonoma.

Are you serious?

No, I'm serious.

Absolutely not.

That is insane.

She was texting everyone last night saying she's so excited.

Last night? She was saying she was excited? So what's happened between last

night and today? The only thing I can think of is her boyfriend.

Like, I mean, she... But who is her boyfriend?

You've met him? I've never met him, no. He's sneaky, I think. Like, he kind of

just, like, follows Lala out sometimes.

I feel like Lala's scared to do what she wants to do sometimes, and I feel like

Lala, you know, if she's told not to go to Sonoma, then that could have been two

minutes before the plane and she wouldn't have bought it.

Like, she's completely wrapped around this guy's finger.

She wonders why everybody is so fascinated at her relationship, and it's

because... She's making it so fascinating by telling everybody a

about it. I worry about that girl, I really do. I worry that she makes right

choices. She's not right now. She's not making right choices at all.

You've never seen her with her boyfriend?

No, but I've been over at her house where she'll shut the blinds to make

her boyfriend doesn't walk past and see me inside.

Are you serious?

Yeah, or we're watching this TV show. I went like this under the table and she

was like, who's that?

I was like, you're that scared and a knock on the door.

That's what's wrong with this relationship, Lala.

I don't know if she's dating a married man or not, but she's dating somebody

that's shrouded in mystery. She's not allowed to speak his name out loud. And

think Lala really deserves a little bit better than that.

All right, just don't be a bad influence on my son. You hear me? I'm definitely

going to be on with this baby tonight and those young kids.

All right, I'll see you later. Bye.

Guys, should we call Tom?

Yeah, see how the RV sleepover is going.

What are you doing, Boba?

Hi, Boba. We were just at the bar making friends with a bunch of Montaco.

Friendies. Yeah, we have a beautiful view. We have an RV. We have maybe an

unlimited supply of beer.

ask for everything you could ask for i think i could probably ask for like a

bunch of things all right in this given moment it's everything i can ask for but

you know i don't want to stay in like a posh swanky hotel i like it it's like

frankly i'm a little worried whether or not schwartz is cut out for the rv

life because he loves a posh hotel more than anyone i know he'll walk around in

the robe and the slippers and take a bath and it's not a bathtub

Can't have a bubble bath, and I'm sure it doesn't come with nice terrycloth

robes. Bob!

What? We're all kind of curious. What the f*** happened with Lala?

It's an absolute mystery. We never got to the bottom of it. What theories did

come up with as to why Lala didn't come?

Tom Sandoval's here. Take this one.

I had to walk it off. I don't want to get into it. I'm actually really pissed

off about it. There was a lot of planning that went into this. Why she

I'm kind of reveling in the fact that... everyone's eyes are going to be finally

opened to the fact that this is who she is. No one should be giving her any

allowances. Lots of people appreciate my theory. I think she got abducted by

tall greys.

George, oh my God, I cannot believe you just said that. I was literally about to

say that my theory was that she was abducted from tall greys. George, I got

There are many different types of aliens.

There are short greys, tall whites, Pleiadians, but tall greys are my

If Lala did get abducted by aliens, I wonder what she's doing up there in that

spaceship. She's probably blowing married tall greys so she can get space

Rovers. I miss you. I love you.

I love you, Bubba. I love you.

Bubba, I love when we don't fight. Look, we just call each other. We check in.

We don't be passive aggressive.

Yeah, I think it's... pee in a relationship to spend some healthy time

feel like it does wonders for the relationship overall. Well, I don't want

jinx it, but it seems like there'll be no rage texts tonight. Just sweet, short

love texts.

So this is the type of relationship I'm talking about.

Well, we're going to get naked and skinny dipped in the ocean, so have fun.

I'm on my way.

That was you, right, bud?

All right, I love you, buddy. Okay.

Bye, guys.

I'm on my way.

Oh, my God. For a minute, it sounded like it could have been a stand -alone.

wasn't sure.

Good night,

man. We're going to bed.

Oh, we're going to bed.

Bed time. Get that booty up there. We got NASCAR in the morning. Good night.

I'm sleeping fully clothed, no joke.

Jack, no snoring, man. Yeah, she's taking those pants off. Woo -hoo!

You know,

I know a year ago when I left after your birthday party, you were really mad at

me. Last year for Ariana's 30th birthday, it was a milestone.

And it definitely hit her hard that her dad wasn't there for that. And then the

fact that I left for Vegas the following day didn't help.

I'm always going to be here for you. But apparently he told me that we're going

to a construction yard and we're taking bulldozers and like... crushing with

bulldozers okay like whatever dude you're never gonna get it it's fine i

she's in a way better headspace this year but i just want to make sure that

ariana knows how important her birthday is to me i know this time of year can be

hard for you and i don't know i just i wanted to make sure no matter what that

was here

I'm just glad you're actually spending the night with me on my birthday.

That's all I wanted before.

I'm sorry.

I think Tom

has more than redeemed himself for last year. He does it in little ways every

day, and honestly, I have no greater ally.

Oh, my God.

Oh, this is perfect right here. Oh, this is good. This is good.

Ew, man, did you fart?

Farts are not allowed.

Oh, that's getting worse.

Good night, asshole.

Coming up.

Is this the part where we get naked and go jump in the ocean?

Yes, it is!

I'll videotape you guys. Come on!

Girl, I'm freezing already. I'm not jumping in freezing cold water. I don't

care. I'm not doing it. I hate to break it to you, but you're going in there.

But I'm not.

This is a pledge. No, it sounds like peer pressure.

It sounds like all three of you ganging up on me.

How did Sheena not get the memo that on Stassi's birthday, we get naked and we

jump into bodies of water?

The dirt is not up my ass. Get with it. It's not that hard.

Honestly, right here.

Love you.

One,

two, three.

Really?

A lighthouse is pointed directly at my naked body and people are cheering at

What?

All these things are happening.

No one talked to me.

No one talked with me.

It's not a Rihanna concert. Everybody shut up.

Next time on Vanderpump Rules.

Here they go. Here they go.

Dude, Jack, you f***ing tortured her this morning. If I asked once in a

hey, can I have a sandwich or do I do my laundry as well?

Dude, I'd bob down if I was in a reverse situation.

If I were Brittany, Jack would either be bleeding or dead right now.

Do you think there's some talent here for you to exercise your single muscles?

The one right in front of me is who I would normally go for. For Kyle?

Lala, I really don't know what's going on. All I know is you give as good as

get. I think it's best for me to walk away from this workplace.