Original subtitles

- You ever try to run from your reality?

You can try to run, but reality is one fast bitch.

What you need to do is get out of your damn comfort zone

and step into your damn truth.

But it's nothing you can't handle.

You know, kind of like sex in the booty.

Oh, fuck y'all niggas.

Don't act like you ain't never tried that shit.

Let's start this show.

[cheers and applause]

Junebug, didn't I tell you to put these damn bags in the car?

- Well, I'm stuck here charging my ankle monitor, Mom.

This thing goes dead,

they gonna take me back to jail.

See? - Three, two...

- It get down to one, it ain't gonna be no fun, so.

You think you could get me an extension cord

so I can move around?

- Didn't I tell your ass not to lose

that damn long charger, boy?

Now you're over there plugged in that wall like a dildo.

- So what?

You just gonna leave me stranded?

I can't even take a shower.

- Your ass funky anyway.

- Now, if you-

[cheers and applause]

If you will excuse us, okay, we about to go fuck up

a red carpet in La La Land.

Your mama was invited to the Hollywood premiere

of the movie she was in.

- The porno?

[phone rings]

- Why do Kareem keep calling you?

You don't have time for that shit today.

I need you to focus, Denise,

not run around here Kareem-ing in your jeans

you wearing over that no-good-ass man.

- Hey, what's up, Dad? Can you come over here-

- Don't ask. I already said no.

- Well, I thought Dad was a man that

could make his own decisions.

- Sad to say, that ended 20 years ago.

- Hey, B. Where y'all two headed?

- Well, I would be going with y'all, Denise,

but my wife don't want me to see her movie.

- You don't need to see it, baby.

You live it.

- Yeah, you can watch it later on OnlyFans.

- Fuck you.

- Where are y'all two going anyway?

- Pops is taking me to meet his new auntie.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm still looking for my dad, but you know what?

I found out that he got a sister

that stays in a retirement home a few hours away.

I was just hoping that she'd tell me

something about him, you know?

- Shit, baby, I forgot all about that

'cause I've been so damn nervous

about this premiere 'cause you know

I hate people staring at me.

- Then you should stop getting on stage with a microphone.

- That's why you been feeling so crappy?

You're nervous?

Hey, baby, don't sweat it, okay?

You gonna kill it, all right?

- Thank you, baby. - Mm-hmm, yep.

- I know you gonna kill your auntie too.

- Say what?

- Just make sure she ain't no scammer.

And the bitch ask you for some money,

tell her everybody dead and we ain't no goddamn money.

- Yes, ma'am. All right, all right.

- Don't get his ass no charger.

- Hey, baby, you want me to get your bags?

- No, we thug bitches. - Oh.

- ? Come on, it's time to go

? It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ?

- Excuse me, ladies,

can I please take a photo of y'all?

- Okay.

- Oh, shit, I thought y'all was Salt-N-Pepa,

but y'all ain't nobody.

- Who the hell is he to tell me I ain't nobody?

See, I hate this, all this Hollywood shit.

I'm gone.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is your first Hollywood premiere.

We ain't going home.

- Your ass can stay, but I'm going to get me

some Roscoe and get on a plane.

I'm getting the fuck out of here.

- Okay, Pat, listen.

I don't know what's eating your ass,

but you better fix it, okay?

Now, you here, so you might as well enjoy the experience.

I mean, and stop complaining the whole damn time.

- Fuck. All right.

Fuck, there go that damn director.

- Turn it off! No, turn it off!

Turn it off!

No, no, no more- no more pictures, please.

No more pictures, please. No more.

What the fuck is y'all doing?

When I say no more pictures, that's your cue

to keep taking pictures.

Are we all on the same page? Are we all on the same page?

Yep? Okay.

No more pictures, please. No!

Stop it! Stop it!

And this nigga still not taking no pictures!

You're fired!

Go home to your poverty, Biggie!

- Did this nigga just hire his own paparazzi?

- Oh, I know damn well that ain't Big Sexy over there.

Girl, you look good as a tax refund

with four dependents. [laughs]

I hope you're ready to be a star, you are.

- I ain't no- I ain't nobody damn star.

What is all this shit?

- Well, you know I had to go all-out in promoting this film,

you know?

The trades are already calling it a-

man, get the fuck out the picture.

The trades are already calling it a masterpiece.

- They calling "Magic Milfshake"

a masterpiece?

- Just like you call that Smurf on your head acceptable?

Now, Pat, everybody who's seen this film

is already calling your performance a supernova.

Your life is never gonna be the same after today.

- Really? Man, I'm not a big enough deal for all this shit.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

No. Don't do that. We do not do that here.

Repeat after me. I am somebody.

- [meekly] I am somebody?

- I am somebody! - I am somebody.

- Say it from the gut. I am somebody!

- I am somebody! - That's it.

All right, now, I need y'all to be down here

ready to go at 6:00 p.m.

Matter of fact, make it 5:58, all right?

No more pictures, please. [camera shutters snapping]

That's what the fuck I'm talking about!

- I really can't stand that man,

but he sure do know how to make an exit.

[phone rings]

- I know damn well that ain't Kareem calling again.

- Okay, how about we just get you up to the room

so you can get some rest, crabby pants?

Hi, my name is Denise Ford,

and this is my client, Patricia Carson.

- Hey, how you doing? Okay.

Oh, got you right here. Two queen suites.

- What the hell you mean, two queen suites?

We only need one room.

- No, Pat, he was calling us queens, your highness.

- No, no, no, no, ma'am. I wasn't calling you queens.

See, we've had actual queens that stay here,

and I know what they look like. You got two rooms.

- Nigga.

- Don't make a scene in here, Denise, please.

- I'm not.

You just go on upstairs

and get you some rest in the room,

and I'll handle it, okay?

- And don't be down here showing your ass

in these people lobby now.

- I'll show the inside of my ass if I have to.

I ain't paying for no two rooms.

- And the elevator is just a little janky,

but don't bounce or nothing, and it'll be all right.

- Dee! - Kareem.

- Hey.

- Was that Pat? 'Cause I wanted to say hi.

- Well, yeah, I sent her up to the room to get some sleep

before the premiere, you know, but she's-

she's really happy that you're here.

- Okay, good, well, if she's sleeping,

why don't we get up to our room and start freaking?

- Ooh, okay.

[laughs]

Eh.

I'll take my other key now.

- Oh, the other key just went to those other guests

over there, ma'am.

I thought you said you didn't want the two rooms.

- I wasn't talking to you.

I was lying to my sister. - What?

- Well, how was I supposed to know that?

I'm sorry, ma'am, but all we have left are the singles.

- Do we look like these two big grown adults

that we can fit on twin-sized mattresses?

- I mean, y'all gonna be on top of each other anyway.

- Well, what if this is my brother?

- Well, then you could go next-door

to the fine motel across the street.

- Do I look like I would stay in a motel?

- Do you want me to answer that?

Oh. - Oh, okay.

Okay, baby. It's cool. It's cool.

[line trilling]

- There's my handsomest sister.

- Mama told me not to send

your drunken driving ass nothing.

- Oh, come on. She got to you too?

I thought you loved me.

- Enjoy being chained, Django.

Hey.

- Girl, Janelle, I'm so happy

you're here 'cause Nikki

was just telling me about her new man.

- Girl, I already know about the boy on the football team,

the one with the big old hips. - Ew, girl.

No, you know I can't mess with no man with an ass

fatter than mine.

I be getting jealous.

Plus, I like 'em older now.

- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.

- Okay, whose daddy finna give you worms today?

- Promise you not gonna say nothing.

- Girl, let me see.

[chuckles] This is Professor DeWalt.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, girl, I know.

And let's just say this ass

been staying after class, okay? [laughs]

- Mm-hmm. Now, tell her for how long.

- For a little minute, I'm not gonna lie.

I was nervous about it at first,

but he just kept on keeping on,

so I went to breakfast with him.

- To breakfast, bitch.

- Wait, he- he took you to breakfast?

- That's what she said.

- We went to this little spot off-campus called-

both: Caf� Avon.

- For once, a man wasn't just trying to get in my pants,

like- - Oh, oh, thank God.

They didn't have sex.

- Girl, yes, we did.

- Hmm. - Huh?

- DeWalt and I did it up against

da wall and da bed and da shower.

And after we were done, he fed me a cookie.

- Not the post-nookie cookie.

- Yes, his favorite kind is the-

- Macadamia nut.

- Good guess.

After I get my hair done, I'm about to go make that man

macadamia nut again, okay?

- Nikki, I think your hair's done.

- Wait, but you was gonna bump the ends still.

- You're done. - Wait, okay.

- Bye, bye. - Bye.

- Bye. Bye.

- Yolanda!

- Rhonda, I told you, there's nothing

in the rule book that said I can't sell edibles.

Now, Gertrude was seeing dead people long before

I gave her that brownie.

- Your visitors are here.

- Well, lead with that the next time.

Hey.

You must be Terry.

- Yes, ma'am. Ms.-

- Oh. - Finally nice to meet you.

[laughter]

I've been waiting to see and meet somebody on this side

of my family for a long time.

- You look just like your mama.

- This is my son, Brandon.

- Hey, what's up, new Auntie? How you doing?

- Oh, good. - Good to meet you, yeah, yeah.

- It is so nice to finally meet you.

My name is Yolanda, but everybody around here

call me Yo-Yo.

- Oh, Yo-Yo. That's a cool name,

but did you used to do tricks and stuff?

Is that how you got your name? - Uh-uh.

- No, it's because every time I dropped a man,

they come rolling right back to me.

- Oh. - I really like that.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Okay. - [clears throat]

- I would say y'all came at a good time,

but then I would be lying because my roommate,

she just died 10 minutes ago, and they're trying

to move her fat ass on out of here.

- Sorry for your loss. - It's all right.

She died on me 'cause she didn't want

to do the talent show.

Lazy ass.

- Hold up, y'all be doing talent shows up in here?

Now, that's cool, son.

This is the type of place I want to die in.

- I'm sorry, his mouth and his brain aren't aligned properly.

- You know what?

We did come at the right time 'cause

did you know that Pops here can sing his butt off?

In the army, they used to call him Terry Pendergrass.

- Oh, is that right?

Well, show me what you got, nephew!

- Oh, no, ma'am, I can't possibly do it.

- Sing, God damn it.

- ? I woke up this morning with my mind ?

? And it was stayed - Oh, shit.

- ? On free now, oh ?

- You is good, baby. - [laughs]

Well, we better get started if we're gonna win this year.

- Okay.

- I am so tired of those Sanchez brothers

winning every year.

Lying bastards winning on sympathy.

Dementia, my ass.

That motherfucker can remember every lyric.

- All right then, Auntie. So when is it?

'Cause I'm a little rusty, and I need to practice.

- Starts tonight. - Tonight.

- Oh. - Rusty, follow me.

- Why'd you tell her we was gonna do that talent show, boy?

- I didn't know it was gonna be tonight.

- What do you mean, you ain't know

it was gonna be tonight?

- I just got here and stuff, man.

- Bring that old rusted, dusty ass over now.

- Yes, ma'am. See, she called me Rusty.

- And done. Whoo!

Pat, you almost look as good as me.

- No, I don't.

- Girl, why are you so down on yourself today?

- This Hollywood shit always make me feel this way.

I been starving myself all week for this damn premiere,

and I ain't lost no fucking weight.

I look the same.

- Oh, Pat, that's why you're so nasty, baby.

You hungry.

Look, you don't got to change yourself for this shit, okay?

You are gorgeous.

Now, I'm gonna go order you some room service.

- I don't want no food. I just want to be perfect.

Oh, shit. - Well, what?

Is it your eyebrows?

'Cause, you know, they sisters. They not twins.

- I left my fucking earrings in the car.

- Oh, okay. Well, I'll go get them for you.

- No, I'm going to get them. - No, no, it's okay.

- No, no, I'm going to get them.

- I said- - No.

- Let me help you.

Damn, you don't ever want nobody to-

oh, my God. - I'm going to get them.

Stay up here and steam my drawers.

- Okay, God, now, listen here.

It's me, Denise.

Please do not let Pat run into my man in that lobby,

and I promise to you, Lord, that I will stop

stealing at the self-checkout.

- "Magic Milfshake" is a film for the entire family,

a film about MILFs and shakes.

- Hey, Pat.

- Kareem, what in the crack of hell you doing here?

- Oh, I plead the fifth.

- I knew it. God damn it, Denise.

That's why she wanted them fucking two queen suites,

ain't it? Ain't it?

- Uh, I plead the fifth.

- I'm gonna plead my foot up Denise ass.

- Don't jackhammer it like- don't.

Pat! Stop with the damn buttons!

Don't jackhammer it like that! - Ah!

- Oh, shit!

- Auntie- - Open up your hips.

Open them up like this.

- What, am I giving birth? - And back.

Come on now.

- Oh, I see she's putting y'all to work, huh?

Now, be careful.

This woman will work you like a Hebrew slave.

- Who asked you anything, Rhonda?

Why don't you go somewhere and wipe somebody's ass?

- Look, how are you moving like this?

- Honey, you are only as old as you think you are.

- Uh-huh. If you made your roommate do this,

I'd have died too.

- Mm-hmm. You see Terry whining over there?

- [panting] That's because I can't speak.

- [singing in Spanish]

- Oh, Lord. - Oh!

- Here comes Sanchez. Stand tall, you two.

Don't let the enemy see you weak.

- Gentlemen. [laughs]

You are looking barely alive.

[laughter]

And, Yo-Yo, how are you-you?

- We are fine, fine, Sanchez.

Why don't you go shuffle the fuck off to dialysis?

- Looks like you hired yourself some help.

Still gonna lose, though, just like you did last year

and the year before and the year before.

- Oh, oh, you remember all of that, huh?

Aren't you the poster child for Alzheimer's?

- [laughs]

And I'm gonna remember this year's

crushing victory as well. - Oh.

- Good day, gentlemen. [singing in Spanish]

? Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo ?

- No, but we got to get our act together, Terry.

I can't believe you can't dance.

Your father? Whew, could move his ass off.

- Oh, yeah? - Oh.

- My daddy could dance?

Hey, look, Auntie, tell me more.

Tell me everything.

This is the kind of information I drove up here for.

- Oh, your father could have been

right up there next to Alvin Ailey if he wanted to,

but he was a hot mess.

- Alvin Ailey? - That's what I'm saying.

- Hey, Auntie, look, show me more, all right?

All right, I'm gonna get it right this time.

I promise, all right? - Keep up.

- All right, all right, all right.

- One, two, three, cat. One, two, three, cat.

- Ooh. [laughs]

There it go! Come on, Terry!

- No service.

Why you press all them damn buttons, Kareem?

- I didn't press the buttons. You did.

- Now I'm gonna be late to my own damn premiere.

I didn't even want to do this Hollywood shit

in the first place. Got me feeling all insecure.

[screaming] - Don't do that!

Don't do it! Don't do that!

Don't do- okay, look, look, look.

Just-just try the phone.

- Dead like you should be!

- Okay, see, it ain't even about the elevator.

Why don't we talk about what's really going on here?

- Here come this self-help bullshit,

ain't it, when you know

you only gonna help your damn self?

Ain't you, Kareem?

- Ah, so you don't like me because of the past.

- No, it's about the present 'cause you ain't doing shit

but leading my sister on.

- How am I leading her on?

- You might be rich and famous now,

but I would never forget when my sister OD'd

and you left her in the damn streets to die like a dog.

Did you put that shit in your little book, Kareem?

- That was a long time ago, Pat.

- Denise might be too dick dumb to remember,

but I'm the one that stayed by her bed

until she woke up in the hospital.

You didn't even call.

- I was 19 years old, strung out on drugs.

I am 50 years old now, sober, strong,

and all I can say is I'm sorry.

- Yeah, you are.

You a sorry motherfucker.

- Sure was.

Was, Pat.

Do you want to be remembered

for all your old bullshit, too, huh?

Look, I was a horrible boyfriend,

hated myself back then.

Didn't know who I was, but I know who I am today.

I know my heart. People do change, Pat.

I mean, fuck, you living proof of that.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- You've come so far from Rabbit.

You've beaten every odd. You got a beautiful family.

You're killing it career-wise.

How are you gonna be insecure? - You gonna judge me now?

- I can't fault you.

I went through the same shit when I hit it big.

Now, look, the thing is, where we come from,

we feel like we don't deserve none of this.

- You're right.

I do feel like I don't deserve this shit.

- The world expected us to be dead now, Pat.

Look at us!

You got just as much right to be here as anybody else.

Scared of Hollywood.

How you gonna be scared of Hollywood?

Shit, they need to be scared of you.

- You actually making some sense now.

What's crazy is, I damn near killed myself

this weekend trying to lose weight for people

I don't even know. For what?

- You got to stay out the comments, man.

I was looking at an old clip the other day.

They was in there saying, I looked like that guy

from "Girlfriends."

- Mm.

Here are your earrings right here, Pat.

Come on, Pat, pick up.

Damn.

[phone rings]

Pat.

- Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Pretend like I said something funny, all right?

[laughs] Funnier than that.

[laughing]

- Sadiq! - Hey, Smurf.

Where-where-where's Pat?

- Oh, uh, uh, down in the- uh, in the gym.

Yeah, since she'd been getting her actress on,

you know, she's all about her fitness.

- She better not be losing no weight.

I hope you mean fitness as in fittin'

this cupcake in her mouth 'cause she already perfect.

Listen, now, "The Hollywood Reporter"

is down here right now, and they want to talk to her.

- Now? - Yes. Yes, now.

- Fuck.

I mean, okay, I'll go get her. - Okay.

- Bye. Bye, Chia Pet.

- No.

- Hey, you must be pretty desperate calling me.

- Yeah, you nailed it. Okay, look, so, um,

I-I have this friend, right?

And she needs some man advice. - Hmm.

Well, you've come to the right place.

Doesn't get more manly than me.

- Aren't you hooked up to a wall right now?

- My patience runs very thin right now, Janelle.

- All right, look. So listen, my friend, she's-

she's dating this guy, and they started doing the do.

- Mm, is your slutty friend single?

- Ignoring that.

Okay, so everything's going great, right,

until she finds out that he's also doing the do

with another girl. - Okay.

- Okay, what? How do I handle this?

- Oh, so it is you. - Damn it.

How did I get outsmarted by Junebug?

- Did you use protection, Janelle?

You don't want to end up like me.

- Of course, I used protection. I'm not an idiot. Come on.

- Hurtful, but continue.

- Uh, what do you mean? That's it.

- Okay, so he takes your V-card then instantly cheats.

- Mm-hmm.

- This guy sounds like a dick to me.

You know you deserve better than that, Janelle.

Shoot, you a catch.

- Thanks, Bug.

- Yeah, so I say crash out on his ass.

- Oh. - Mm-hmm.

You need to ask yourself,

W-W-Y-C-M-A-A-D-D,

What Would Your Crazy Mama And Auntie Denise Do?

Yeah.

- Okay, I see what you're going with.

You know, you're actually not a bad brother.

Oh, and also, don't worry.

I made some phone calls, and I have a TaskRabbit coming

right now with your cord.

- Yes, oh, I knew you'd come through, Janelle.

Hey, and remember, broke boys don't deserve no coochie.

- He's not broke.

- Mm, he's broken inside, though, my sister.

- [chuckles]

- I miss you. - I miss you too.

- All right, you got this.

- Bye.

[doorbell rings] - Oh. Come in.

[rattling door]

Ain't that a bitch?

- I want to introduce you to my best friend in here.

She's the reason I haven't burnt this joint down yet.

Carol. Carol.

- Yolanda, I told you...

[cheers and applause]

I am not fooling with you and them edibles no more.

Had me outside humping a tree last week.

- You were humping a tree?

- Well, in my defense, I thought the tree was Shaq.

- Oh. - Behave yourself, Carol.

I want to introduce you to my nephew and his son, Brandon.

- Oh, well, very nice to meet you, handsome.

And it's so nice of you to come and visit.

Are you having a good time?

- Well, to be honest, I was hoping

to ask Yolanda a million questions about my father,

but we kind of got roped into this whole talent show thing.

- Yeah, she really been putting us to work.

I'm surprised she didn't ask you to do a duet.

- Oh, hell no.

This heifer ain't gonna kill me.

[laughter]

Yolanda, how come you haven't told this boy

about his father yet?

- Would you mind your nosy-ass business, Carol?

- All right then. Fair enough.

Well, it was nice to meet you both.

And listen, I'm gonna have to step off because

they done talked me into announcing this bitch.

- I know you want to talk about your daddy,

but we'll talk about him after the show.

Right now, I just want y'all to focus, okay?

- Yes, ma'am. - Good evening!

Or good morning to those of you that just woke up.

I am the host of tonight's talent extravaganza.

Now, first up, we have our returning champions,

the Sanchez brothers!

But note, there's only one brother this time

because two of them died.

Okay.

- [coughs]

- That's that sympathy shit I was talking about.

Oh, you can walk, bitch.

- [speaking Spanish] - Okay.

Okay, you two!

Yolanda, mucho to the gracias.

- I'm-I'm real sad that my two brothers

can't join me tonight, but, uh,

they're watching from heaven, so-

- Why don't you go up there with them?

- This ain't "American Idol." We don't need your sob story.

Just sing.

[Ricky Martin's "Living La Vida Loca"]

- ? Upside, inside out ?

? She's living la vida loca ?

? She'll push and pull you down ?

? Living la vida loca ?

- He ain't even singing for real.

- ? Her skin's the color mocha ?

- Sure is moving.

- Wait, wait, are you on his side or mine?

- You know, Auntie, we gonna kick his behind,

but we gonna talk about my pops, right?

- Yes. - Come on.

Eyes on the prize there.

Get off the stage, really Bad Bunny!

? ?

- Thank you so much.

Could somebody come up here and get these dead brothers off?

All right now, you may have seen her

in some of the Social Security offices

or maybe some of the senior citizens' old folks home.

Y'all give it up for Yo-Yo and the Strings!

[cheers and applause]

- We're gonna do something way back for you.

["Midnight Train to Georgia" playing]

- ? He's leaving on that midnight train to Georgia ?

- ? Leavin' on the midnight train ?

- ? Said he's going back to find ?

- ? Going back ?

- ? Oh, a simpler place and time ?

- ? Takes that ride - ? Oh, yes, he is ?

? I'll be there

- ? I know you will ?

- ? On that midnight train to Georgia ?

- ? Leavin' on the midnight train to Georgia ?

- ? Ooh, whoo-whoo ?

? I'd rather be in his world ?

- ? Live in his world ?

- ? Than be without him in mine ?

- ? World, world ?

- [laughs] How you doing, baby?

- ? His and hers alone ?

- ? My world - ? My world ?

- ? His world - ? His world ?

- ? Our world ?

- ? Midnight train to go

- ? My world - ? My world ?

- ? His world - ? His world ?

- ? Our world - ? Midnight train to go ?

- ? I got to go, I want to go ?

? I got to go - ? Midnight train to go ?

- ? Hey, oh

- ? Our world, his world ?

- Gonna get it, baby. - ? Midnight train ?

- ? Yeah ?

Got them cramps.

- ? His world

- ? A midnight train to Georgia ?

[cheers and applause]

- [laughs]

Oh, you remember that time

we got caught stealing Skittles at the corner store,

and you had to come in there and act like you was

your mama so we didn't get-

- I'ma beat your ass down there!

- [laughs] It was crazy!

That was so funny. Oh, my God.

- Motherfuckers never paid me my $20 either

for coming down there to get y'all.

- Oh, my God, you still talking about that damn $20?

You know what? Fine. Here.

You want- you want your damn $20?

There you go. - $20?

Where the rest at? - What you mean, the rest?

We said $20.

- Nigga, that was in the '90s. Interest.

- Get the fuck out. Give me my $20 back!

Yeah, see? See?

- I waited a long time to get this shit.

- We had a time, didn't we? - We did.

We had a time.

- I wish they was all good.

I mean, that's why I'm looking forward to creating more,

you know, so I can improve my losing record.

I want to make it up to Denise and you.

- I gotta be honest with you.

Us talking like this can't undo what's done,

but it is a damn start.

- God don't make no mistakes,

and this is why me and Dee-Dee

are back in each other's lives again.

I ain't playing with her or about her.

Now, I'm sorry that I- that I messed up,

you know, the premiere and everything,

but, I mean, she did say that she told you I was coming.

- She ain't told me shit about shit.

- Well, then she lied to both of us.

- Well, damn.

Maybe God put us in this elevator

so we can come back together.

Work shit out, maybe.

You really do love her, don't you?

- Like my own breath.

- Damn, nigga, you corny like my husband.

- I'm glad we did this!

- Get the fuck off me.

- You put-see, physical touch is my love language.

- And kicking niggas' ass is mine.

- [clears throat] Um, hi.

Professor, can I talk to you for a second privately?

- Excuse me.

I am busy right now, and my office hours

are stated in my syllabus. - I know your office hours.

I set an appointment to talk to you privately,

but you were a no-show.

[chuckles] Wow.

Okay, cool.

All right, so you've been MIA ever since you and I-

- Is everything okay? - Uh, yes, yes.

Everything is- everything's fine.

Ms. Carson, I'll see you in class, okay?

Thank you. Goodbye.

- Ms. Carson, what are you doing?

- Yeah. You fucked with the wrong-

- Okay, okay. - Yeah, yeah, you did.

- Are you okay? - No, you want some too, bitch?

- Whoa, whoa, okay, relax.

- I'ma fuck your ass up. - Oh! No!

- You know what?

- Now, the carpet's about to open,

and I ain't seen Big Sexy all day.

Where is my Magic MILF? Where is my Magic MILF?

Oh, hey, Magic MILF.

- Kareem, what in the hell are you doing here?

- She knows, Denise. - Oh, okay, Pat.

Here's your earrings and your stuff.

- Mm-hmm. - Uh-huh.

- I'ma deal with your lying ass after-

- We got to go! We got to go!

- God damn!

- Make some noise if you liked the Sanchez brothers.

[sparse applause]

[cheers and applause playing]

- Uh-uh, man. He juicing the stats.

- Make some noise if you liked Yo-Yo and the Strings.

[cheers and applause]

Judges, do we have the final decision?

Okay.

Well, well, here we are.

The 19th annual

Fall Talent Show winner is...

the Sanchez Brothers!

- Yeah, what? Man, that ain't fair.

We-man, we killed that.

- He's doing the judges.

He's doing one of them.

- Barb, are you fucking Sanchez?

Sanchez, you know she got the crabs.

Get-give me the trophy.

- Don't worry about it.

He gonna be with his brothers soon.

- Yeah, you're a winner in our eyes, Yolanda.

- Oh, thank you, baby. - Yeah.

- And I am so glad you two came down here to visit me.

You made my year.

And, Terry, I know you want to talk about your daddy,

but it's-

it's a little painful for me to talk about.

But they say a picture is worth a thousand words.

So I want- I want you to have this.

- What's this? - Oh, that's a cute baby.

Damn, he got a big-ass head.

- Yolanda, who are these people?

- Ah, that's a picture of you,

Terry, as a baby.

- Oh, my God. [chuckles]

- And that man holding you,

that's your daddy.

[chuckles]

- Hair by Denise. Makeup by Denise.

Outfit by, you guessed it, Macy's.

- Oh, oh, Ms. Pat. Ms. Pat.

This is Ms. Pat, everybody!

[laughs] Oh, smile.

You look good, girl.

Let me hit it from the back.

Ow! - Oh, whoa.

- Oh, it's perfect. - Just once?

- Perfect. Yeah, oh, pow, pow!

[laughs] Oh, ain't she funny?

"Milfshake," everybody. She got a MILF I wanna shake.

- Ooh.

- "Hollywood Reporter" has been asking me about you all night.

They can't wait to talk to you. - They want to talk to me?

- I told you, sis.

Stop thinking you the fart when you clearly the shit.

- Ooh. You ready for your life to change, Big Sexy?

- Ms. Pat, over here.

- Damn, last time I took this many pictures,

it came with a felony.

- Dee, I was looking for you.

- Hey, I hope you're not mad at me, okay?

'Cause I can take it from Pat, but not from you.

And I know I got to stop lying, but I got lie-abetes and stuff

just kind of fall out, and I'd be confused,

and it's like, I love you so much, and then I be-

- Hold up, hold up, hold up.

Wait a minute.

You love me?

- Well, now, that just kind of fell out, didn't it?

- I love you, too, Dee-Dee.

- Oh, Kareem.

- Oh. Look at you.

- It's taking everything in me not to

fuck you on this floor, boy. - Hold on.

I thought that was your brother.

- In Christ.

So we gonna get to that later,

but right now, we need to go over there

and cheer your sister on as loud as we can.

- Okay, 'cause you fingering the fuck out my pussy.

- Ooh!

- So how'd it go? Did you tell Terry?

- Mm-mm, no, I couldn't find the words.

- Dealing with family is not easy.

You need to tell that boy the truth about his father,

ASAP. - And I will.

Now, why don't you just mind your nosy-ass business?

- Okay.

- Here, why don't you take this brownie and go hump a tree?

- Oh, no, I ain't messing with Shaq no more.

That nigga gave me splinters.

- Uh-huh.

And you wanted to mess with my nephew-

- Thank you, Mama. - Mm-hmm.

I know that.

- ? She's a grown-ass woman ?

? And she don't take no stuff ?

? She's a grown-ass woman ?

? And you can't get enough ?

? She's a grown-ass woman ?

? With a husband and kids ?

? She's a grown-ass woman ?

? And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ?

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