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1 MISS CLAYTON: Okay, find a seat. Sit down, please.

My name is Miss Clayton, and I'm your new teacher.

And since today's our first day together,

I think we should get to know one another.

So I'm gonna ask each of you to tell us about your summer vacation.

Who wants to start?

What's your name?

Priscilla Johnson.

You want to tell us about your vacation, Priscilla?

I got the measles.

Oh, the measles. That's too bad.

Was that at the beginning of vacation or the end?

The beginning.

Well, good. Then you had all of August to rest up.

What did you do in August?

I got the mumps.

You didn't.

I did. But it was okay.

It was a neat vacation with lots of presents.

And everyone was very nice to me.

Oh, good.

Except Daddy got nervous when he got the mumps.

But aside from that, it was great.

Is that all?

Isn't that enough?

Sure. Yes.

Thanks, Priscilla.

And what's your name?

Elliot Field.

Go ahead, Elliot. We're listening.

I went to summer camp.

Okay. What'd you do at summer camp?

We threw cottage cheese at each other.

And then what?

Ketchup.

And aside from having food fights, did you do anything interesting?

No, but that was interesting.

Yes, it was. Thank you, Elliot.

And let's see. What's your name?

Marci Campbell.

Tell us about your vacation, Marci.

Well, during my vacation, my brother lost his job,

my mom almost lost her mind

and my stepfather was murdered by his twin brother.

What kind of story is that, Marci?

It's not a story. It's the truth.

It happened in Buzzsaw.

That's a little town up north.

My stepfather was the mayor.

I don't remember any story about a mayor

being murdered by his twin brother.

Okay, Marci, go ahead. Tell your story, we're listening.

It was a dark night.

Actually, it was a dark and stormy night.

A big truck came to my stepfather's lumberyard.

A very big truck.

And in the truck was a killer.

His name was Matt Skearns

and he was very tall like my stepfather

and very ugly like my stepfather.

And he couldn't see without his glasses, like my stepfather.

But that was normal,

because he was his twin brother.

Matt Skearns had come back to town to get his revenge.

He'd been in jail for 15 years for a crime he didn't commit,

so you can imagine how mad he was.

Matt had an accomplice, Virgil,

a man he'd met in prison.

Virgil was mean too, but not as mean as Matt.

Yo, four eyes. You're late, four eyes.

Don't call me that.

So, how are the boys in the joint?

They don't miss me and they sure as hell don't miss you.

Now here's the phone number.

And the name is Van Der Haven. Mayor Van Der Haven.

Good luck. I'll meet you tomorrow night.

MARCI: I couldn't sleep because of the storm,

so I was relaxing and watching a funny movie on TV

when the phone rang.

Hello

Mayor Van Der Haven?

Who's calling? Who is this?

Hiya, Petey.

Ah, hold on.

Matt, how nice to hear from you after all these years.

I want $150,000, tomorrow,

at your lumberyard!

$150,000?

Okay, okay.

You'll get your goddamn money, you little shit!

Just keep your end of the bargain.

If I ever see or hear from you again,

I'll personally kill you! Understand?

I'll kill you!

MARCI: That night I discovered that my stepfather,

who everybody thought was so honest and so respectable,

wasn't the man he pretended to be.

That night I discovered that my stepfather was a criminal.

Wow.

Are you watching too many horror movies, Marci?

No, why?

Well, one thing's for sure. You have a very active imagination.

This isn't imagination. It's the truth.

Are there any comments?

Yes?

It may be too soon to judge, but I have to say I'm really not convinced.

It's so overstated, so melodramatic.

I'm sorry, Julius, I disagree.

So far, it works for me.

It's the most outrageous summer vacation I've heard in years.

Should I go on?

ALL: Yeah!

Go ahead, Marci.

I needed help. I needed it fast.

Only one person to turn to.

My big brother, Bill.

Book on Echo Tech, please.

A.R.V. put in an order for 200,000 at 26.

Tell 'em it's gonna get done at 75 with or without 'em.

All right. Odds for a hundred.

Damn, every time. Evens for 200.

Do you read minds?

It's a question of reorientation, Steve.

I know what you're gonna do before you know what you're gonna do.

Jerry Beck had a heart attack last night.

My God, he's only 36.

34. No time for condolences.

You're taking over Daisy Cellular deal.

Background, two days ago, Daisy's C.O. Leonard Hathaway dropped dead.

Controlling stocks slipped into hands of Julie Holland, niece, must sell.

Jerry was to meet today.

Decided to have heart attack instead.

Such poor judgment will cost Jerry.

You will take this meeting.

How much me offer?

160 million ceiling.

I want it bad. Really bad.

Watch out. Travis of Travis, Jacoby and Travis is doing the legal.

The elder Travis?

Yes, Count Dracula himself.

Big bonus if you win.

Let's play poker.

I got a figure in the back of my mind.

Let's see how close you can get to it.

A hundred million.

If we auctioned it off, it'll get done at 175.

Maybe five years ago.

Not with a market this unstable.

160.

110.

Excuse me, Mr. Travis. Telephone call for you.

Excuse me.

It's too bad we have to go through all this.

It's just gonna get done at 140.

How's that?

Oh, Travis is gonna come back in here.

He's gonna say that the two of you have to go somewhere.

That's supposed to make me think he's got another offer.

Watch this.

I'm terribly sorry, but something important has come up.

Julie.

I'd be willing to go 155, but...

120.

You know, there are 100 strategic buyers in Tokyo who will do this for 150.

I've got a figure in the back of my mind,

and you haven't even come close to it yet.

Well, young man, you drive a hard bargain.

140 million, then, eh?

I can live with that.

Bravo, bravo. Very impressive, Bill.

I almost forgot it was my money.

I'm going to my house in Oaxaca for the weekend. Let's do the paperwork there.

Terrific. I can fly there Saturday.

That would be wonderful.

There's no phone, so here's my caretaker's number

and he'll make arrangements for a car to pick you up.

All right. Well, thank you.

And bring your bathing suit.

Or don't.

No. "No" what?

No, you can't have the weekend off.

How do you do that?

Well, every time you want something from me, you interlock your fingers.

Sorry, Jenny. I need you here all weekend.

I'm going to Mexico to close Daisy Cellular.

Your sister's on line one. She's been calling all day.

Hmm.

Hello. Hi, Bill.

Hey, Marci.

Bill, you've got to come up here right away.

Peter's being blackmailed and...

Whoa, slow down. How's Mom?

Mom's fine. Listen, the guy who's blackmailing him is coming to Buzzsaw tomorrow.

Peter talked to him on the phone and said he's gonna kill him.

Please come, just for the day. You got to come, Bill. Please?

Ah, no, I'm sorry, Marci. I'm very, very busy. I really can't.

But, Bill, you don't understand. I mean, this is real.

Anyway, you promised you'd come if I ever needed you.

You've got to come. Please?

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Buchenwald.

True, but if we make a crossover in Japan, we'll get a topping bid in a day.

Soon as the papers are signed.

Uh...

I have to call you back, Mr. Buchenwald.

Shit.

Shit.

Okay, quiet, please. Quiet.

Quiet, please.

Thank you. Marci, who is the girl on the motorcycle?

Oh, her name's Sally, and she's very nice.

Oh, she's nice? I thought she was being chased by the police.

No, she wasn't being chased by the police.

Actually, the cop who was shooting at her was a friend of hers.

Marci, what kind of a friend shoots at you?

A boyfriend.

Yeah.

Yes?

I know he will disagree,

but I don't like the way Sally's brought into the story.

I don't quite disagree.

I must say my earlier optimism is beginning to waver.

Those guys are bothering me.

Just tell your story, and if it's good, they won't bother you anymore.

I'm not so sure.

All right, pull it over. Let's go.

All right, come on.

WOMAN ON TAPE: In the following exercise, listen and learn.

WOMAN: How are the children?

Something always goes wrong, doesn't it? Jesus!

Keep your hands on the wheel.

What do you want?

Turn off the tape.

Turn on to that road.

No, thanks.

I don't think you'd shoot me.

Here's the deal.

I'm gonna pull over at the nearest police station

then I'm gonna let you out.

You like to gamble? There are two bullets left,

so the odds are in your favor.

Sayonara. Okay.

Okay, okay.

Turn into that field.

SALLY: Stop here. Leave the keys.

Can't we find some kind of middle ground here?

Get out.

How far do you think you're gonna get?

I'm just gonna walk to the nearest police station.

Won't you be a little embarrassed walking naked into a police station?

Oh, you wouldn't do that.

I'll count to five.

All right. All right.

I'm takin' them off.

This is ridiculous.

One.

You can't just leave me here in the middle of nowhere, naked.

MARCI: Luckily, this car arrived with two very nice guys in it.

Two brothers who live in the woods

and everybody likes them because they're always ready to do favors for people.

Hi.

I was robbed and my car was stolen.

MAN ONE: Hop in. MAN TWO: Yeah, come on.

I got to go to the police station.

You remember how you get to the police station?

I never drive when they take me there.

Is there any place else you wanna go?

Well, just drop me off in Buzzsaw.

You from Eureka?

No.

Name's Jim. This here's my brother.

His name's Jim too.

How do you do? Bill Campbell.

We were named after different people though.

I was named after

BOTH: Dad.

And he was named after our grandpa. Grandpa.

Grandpa Jim. Yeah.

Do you guys know where I could get some clothes?

Why?

Because I don't have any on.

We don't hardly ever buy clothes.

When mine get worn, I just borrow a pair of Jim's here and vice versa.

I need a beer.

BILL: Here you go.

There's always field clothes. Yeah.

Field clothes?

Yeah, this is the season they come out.

Yeah.

And they're free.

Jim here plays the guitar.

Uh-huh.

Kinda.

Wanna hear? We got a tape.

JIM SR: Want a beer?

JIM JR: Uh... Huh?

Want a beer? Sure.

That the last one? Yep.

Better make a run. Okay.

We come back on again in about 15 minutes.

Yeah.

Jim!

That's my road, right there. Oh.

We ain't never been down that road before.

We normally don't go where we haven't already been.

That way we don't get lost.

Except once in a while.

Of course. Smart thinking. Yeah.

I'm out of here.

Okay.

Bye. Good luck.

Bye-bye. Thank you.

Okay.

MARCI: Bill had to walk about a mile to get to the house.

A mile barefoot on a road full of sharp little stones.

With each step, Bill was thinking of Sally,

and you can bet they weren't very nice thoughts.

Damn.

Hi, my car broke down back there.

Can you give me a lift to the bus depot?

No problem.

We just got to tank up first.

Yeah.

Ugh.

Jim, you all right?

You all right?

Yeah. Watch your step.

MAN ON TV: Guess I kinda threw you a curve there, didn't I?

No, four times four is 16, Beaver.

16?

Yeah, now remember that. Fix it in your mind.

Okay, here we go again.

I'm kind of in a hurry. You think you could tank up later?

Oh, hi.

Oh, yeah. It's that girl.

Oh, yeah, she's in a hurry.

We could take the shortcut through the old lumber road.

Oh, yeah.

That's fine, Beaver. Fine.

Now then, four times four. 15.

Now?

Oh, now. Okay, sure. Oh, now.

SALLY: I thought this was a shortcut. Where are we?

JIM SR: Don't worry. We just lost the road temporarily.

It's okay. We've been lost in these woods before.

When the stars come out, we'll have a better idea of where we are.

SALLY: Okay, that's it.

I'll take my chances alone.

Okay. Okay.

Ready, Jim?

Yeah.

Jim!

Jim!

Jim!

Bill! Guess what? That guy's coming today

and Peter has to give him $150,000.

Hmm. First, I want a kiss.

I told Mom she shouldn't marry him. He's evil.

Here's what I want.

I want the three of us, you, me and Peter,

to sit down someplace and have a good, long talk.

I don't wanna talk to a criminal.

I know it's hard for you adjusting to a new stepfather.

Especially when he's criminal.

He's not a criminal, Marci. You just don't like him.

He is a criminal. He is a criminal. He is a criminal.

Why're you so stubborn, you little knucklehead?

Why are you dressed like Huckleberry Finn?

Hey, Dudley. How's Dudley?

Good boy. Good.

Buzzsaw police.

Yes, I'd like to report a stolen car, please.

A stolen car?

Could you hold, please?

My God, what happened to you?

He was kidnapped and his car was stolen

and he was left naked on the side of the road.

Stop telling stories, Marci.

No, this time it's true, Mom.

Yes, this is the stolen car.

Well, what's so complicated about a stolen car?

Come on, Dudley.

Well, I'll tell you what to do. You have a C.B.? Great.

Call the county police, ask them if they found a car.

It's a silver 1990 BMW 750IL.

License plate, 2-S-R-I-4-5-0.

Yeah, I'll hold.

He's been like this since yesterday.

He's having an affair. This time I'm positive, I think.

Remember my friend Mandy from the Junior League?

Exact same thing happened with her husband.

Late work days and mysterious hang ups.

You don't know what it's like to answer the phone

and hear that awful click again and again. Click, click, click.

Honey, I got some business in town...

Monkey business.

Hello, Bill. How nice to see you again.

Hi, Peter. Listen, I need to talk to you

when you get a chance, please.

It's about Marci.

Sure, sure, I see. I'll try and make myself available sometime.

Hello?

You found it? Where?

Excellent.

Don't touch anything. I'll be right there.

MARCI: Meanwhile, Bill found his car, but not his wallet.

And the Buzzsaw police were no help.

In fact, they were kind of weird.

My wallet's gone.

Right.

Now you say she kidnapped you?

Kidnapped you and then she took your car?

You got to help me. I got to get that wallet back.

See, the problem here is that

Sheriff Hawks and Deputy Logan went away for the weekend

to Eureka for the California State Sheriff's Day Parade.

And, see, I was hired originally part-time

just to do some filing and light typing.

Larry here... It's my first day.

It's his first day as deputy, you see.

And we said we would fill in until they got back,

but nobody said there would be a kidnapping.

I haven't even been trained yet.

He hasn't been trained.

BILL: You don't understand how important this is.

There's a caretaker's phone number in the wallet.

If I don't call him by Friday,

I've blown a $140 million deal.

Can you describe the caretaker?

What's with this town? Is there somethin' in the water?

Not that I know of, sir.

Nobody said anything about the water to us except you just now.

MAN: Sir?

You need a new oil pan.

I jerry-rigged a patch, but, uh...

Okay, what are you telling me?

Just that we'll try, sir. Definitely try.

But that we are not equipped to deal with anything dangerous

you know, like a real crime or anything like that.

Hello, Matty.

Well,

Mayor Van Der Haven. That's a funny name. Dutch?

Yes, as a matter of fact it is.

So, I guess you'll be needing a little traveling money.

Yeah, $150,000.

That's $10,000 for every year I spent in prison for you,

you son-of-a-bitch!

MARCI: There was a witness to this family reunion.

Sally, who was trying to find her way through the woods

and who was about to be totally grossed out.

Now there's no need for threats, Matt.

Just hold it right there.

Oh, come, come, come, Matt. I'm not like you.

I don't carry a gun.

I'm the mayor of Buzzsaw, for Christ's sake.

You always were a liar and a cheat!

No wonder you became a politician!

And a good one.

PETER: Matt?

Matt, now take it easy.

Asshole!

Matty, Matty, Matty.

Don't be childish.

Stay away from me!

PETER: You remember when Mom said we'd kill each other someday?

She was right!

Stay where you are!

Ugh.

Jenny, any luck reaching that caretaker?

No, I'm going crazy.

I've called 500 numbers. At this rate, I'm going to be at it all week.

You call all the Jose Rodriguezes within 100 miles south of Oaxaca

and I'll call all the ones to the north.

Lights out, honey.

It's already past your bedtime.

Oh, five more minutes, Mom.

Sorry, time's up.

Oh, God, Marci, where did you find this?

No. This is going down right now.

But, Mom, I can't sleep without that.

You're just gonna have to learn to, dear.

Good night, honey.

Good night, Mom.

Hey, Matt. Matt?

My name's Peter Van Der Haven. Who are you?

Don't give me that crap, Matt.

I figured you'd try and double-cross me.

You've got the wrong man.

Get off my property or I'll call the police.

Hey, four eyes. I told you not to...

Well, that's very good. That's very smart, Virgil.

So, where's the money?

He didn't have it, so I had to kill him.

VIRGIL: Son of a bitch! What are we supposed to do now?

MATT: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do now.

I'm gonna go into that house and I'm gonna become Peter Van Der Haven.

And you are gonna lay low.

And when the time comes, you're gonna get your 10 percent.

Now get!

Ten percent? It's 50/50, Matt.

Who the hell told you your brother was the mayor of Buzzsaw anyway, huh?

Who told you? It was me!

I'm the mayor of Buzzsaw, and this is the new deal!

Oh, no! No, Matt! What are you doing?

Bill! Bill! Guess what?

Peter's dead and his twin brother killed him and took his place!

Hold on. Marci, it's very late, and I'm busy.

You should be asleep, honey.

And he killed this other guy, too. I saw it on my wall!

I think you're having a bad dream.

No. Yes, and you should go to sleep.

But... We'll talk in the morning. It's okay.

Go ahead, go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

It's okay. Good night.

MARCI: As usual, Bill didn't believe me

and I didn't know what to think.

Maybe it was just a bad dream after all.

But the next morning, I realized that it wasn't a bad dream at all.

There was a murderer in the house, all right.

Oh, shit!

Esta es la casa de Jose Rodriguez.

Es Jose?

Mmm, uh, mmm. No. Gracias.

Come to the dining room, Bill. Breakfast is ready. Marci!

Hello

Hi, Peter. It's me, Melissa.

This isn't Peter. Just a second.

Hello?

It's her.

It's that woman who's always hanging up on me.

What did she say?

Just, "Peter, it's me, Melissa."

Melissa? Huh, I know her name now.

Melissa. Melissa the whore.

You okay, Mom?

MATT: Son-of-a-bitch!

That's the second time he's fallen this morning.

Must've forgotten there's a step in the bathroom.

All this sex is rotting his brain.

Peter,

why are you going through my panties?

I'm... I'm lookin' for a tie.

They're where they always are.

Right, where they always are.

Here.

I thought you hated Aunt Millie's tie.

I changed my mind.

Could you call Marci?

Marci.

Marci!

Hey, Marci!

Bill, you got to call the F.B.I.

This is too big for the police.

Marci, do me a favor. No F.B.I. till I've talked to Peter, all right?

Here, why don't you set the table? Go ahead.

All right, set the table.

Peter, we have to talk about Marci.

I don't think that she's adjusting here.

Maybe we should have her put to sleep.

Hi.

MARCI: The resemblance was incredible.

It was Peter and it wasn't.

Matt had a brutal, kind of crazy look in his eyes.

I was really scared.

But he fascinated me.

That's my seat, Peter.

Oh, sorry.

MARCI: Matt was a real monster.

A murderer with his barracuda smile.

Mom, Dudley took the high blood pressure pill.

It's probably for you.

Will you pick up the phone, Peter?

Hello?

Hi, Peter. It's me, Melissa.

Hi, Melissa.

MELISSA: Is your wife there? Can we talk?

Yeah, just a second. It's Melissa.

Hello?

That was deliberate.

I'm gonna go to the police.

I'm gonna try to find this girl.

Okay, what do you want? Do you want a divorce?

Uh, no.

No, thank you. Excuse me.

Bill, Bill!

Yeah, Marci?

Peter's twin brother went into the closet twice instead of the bathroom

and sat at the wrong seat at the table and Dudley took the high blood pressure pill.

You remember when you were on your sci

And you thought the house in Oakland was a landing spot

for those creatures from the planet Arkanon?

It wasn't a landing spot. It was where they came to meet.

Do you know the reason that I never saw the Arkanese space invaders?

You really know the real reason that I never saw them?

Why?

Because I am from the planet Arkanon.

I am Arkanese, and my mission is...

No! To tickle Marci!

I am the official Arkanese Marci tickler.

You see

He killed him. Now he's gonna bury him.

I'll make a deal with you. I'm gonna follow him.

If he's off to bury his dead brother, I'll give you a nickel.

If not, you have to do everything I tell you for the rest of your life.

That worked when I was six years old.

I'm not six years old anymore.

Take it or leave it.

Morning...

Hey, I just want my wallet back.

I just want my wallet!

What the hell's goin' on here? Slow down.

Stay away from me!

Just give me back my wallet.

Give me back my bat!

Stay out of this.

Look, I'm not a thief. When I found your wallet, I mailed it to you.

You found my wallet in my pants that you stole from me!

I sent the pants too.

I'm wearing the pants.

Give him back his bat!

Are you okay?

Oh, shit.

Are you all right?

Okay, fine.

All right, you fat pig!

End of the line!

Not so smooth now, are you?

Oh, oh, here...

Have a cigar.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'll tell ya.

First, I'm gonna bury you so deep, nobody'll ever find you!

Then I'm gonna 86 your family!

And then you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go to the bank and take what's mine!

What do you say to that?

You bastard!

Aw, shit!

* Hallelujah, hallelujah

* Hallelujah, hallelujah

* Hallelujah

* Hallelujah, hallelujah

* Hallelujah, hallelujah

* Hallelujah

You sure you got the right station?

Yeah.

Don't sound like Iron Maiden.

* Hallelujah, hallelujah

It's a live concert. It sounds different live.

* Hallelujah, hallelujah

* Hallelujah, hallelujah

I gotta piss, Jim.

* Hallelujah, hallelujah

* Hallelujah, hallelujah

Get outta here.

I'm talkin' to you.

I gotta take a piss and you're not gonna watch me.

Get outta here!

Aagh!

You queer, bushy-tailed rat.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

MARCI: Meanwhile, Sally, who was running away from Bill,

didn't know she would again have to face the diabolical Matt Skearns.

Excuse me, can you give me a lift to...

Hello? BUCHENWALD: Bill...

I'm on two lines. What's the time frame look like?

Um, good, Mr. Buchenwald. Really good.

Call as soon as the papers are signed.

Look, you gotta believe me! Someone's trying to kill me.

Please, he's right outside. Start the car!

I'll start the car if you give me the wallet back.

Oh, no. No, no, not this time!

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Okay. Okay.

Where is it? I don't have it!

I don't believe you.

Search me.

You'd make a lousy cop.

You missed a pocket.

There's nothing in there.

How do you know unless you check?

Ah!

I'll take you to it if you let me go!

You bastard!

Had enough?

JIM SR: Jim!

Jim!

Jim!

Jim!

Jim?

Jim?

Is that me or you?

JIM JR: Jim!

Jim?

Jim!

Jim?

JIM JR: Jim!

Jim? Jim!

You're buried.

I know! Get me outta here. I gotta piss!

Okay.

Just pull me out.

Who's this?

I don't know.

Name's Jim.

He's shit-faced.

I know you're drunk, but you...

You gotta help us, you gotta walk it off.

Oh, he don't want that, Jim.

All right, let's go.

Just put one foot in front of the other.

What foot am I supposed to put in front of the other?

I'm talkin' to him.

Jim, what's this?

Oh! Sorry.

He dropped his wallet.

Look at this. His name is Jose.

Jose Rodriguez. No shit.

There you go, Jose. You hang on to that.

Jim? Yeah?

Maybe Jose needs a drink.

Hey, let's go to Jed's.

Jed's costs money.

Well, look at him, Jim!

I mean, Jose needs a drink bad.

Now you want to kill him or something?

No.

All right, then. Come on.

Come on.

One foot in front of the other.

JIM JR: He can't drive.

You don't get carsick now, do you?

Turn him over. Okay.

Let me get his legs up here. Pull him in.

Jose, don't touch the steering wheel.

Ready? Yeah.

Here we go to Jed's.

* Hey, baby que paso?

Hey. All right.

* Thought I was your only vato

* Hey, baby que paso?

Three whiskeys.

Hair of the dog.

JIM JR: Hey. JIM SR: Oh, hey.

Hey, ladies. Hi.

Hey. Hi. How are ya?

JIM JR: I like them.

Let's go dance, Jim.

* Please don't leave me de ese modo

Yeah. Hello, Sheriff's Department?

Yeah, this is Jed's Bar.

Jim, he can't dance or anything.

Let go, Jose.

JIM JR: Come on, sit up. JIM SR: Sit up.

Here, stick your legs in there. There you go.

You okay? He's okay.

HI.

My name is Cindy.

Come on, Jim.

Hi! Hey, get down.

* Hey, baby que paso?

Oh, you don't say much, do you?

Stop lookin' at me like that.

You're makin' me feel funny.

* Come on, baby turn around

Shit, Jim. He's doin' all right.

To you, buddy.

Hey, Jose! Jose!

* And my corazon is real

* Hey, baby que paso?

I don't see anything wrong. Let's go.

JED: No! There. There!

JED: In the booth! It's the mayor.

Darren. Oh, man.

Mayor Van Der Haven.

I must say I'm a little surprised, sir.

Mr. Van Der Haven?

Mr. Van Der Haven?

* Hey, baby que paso?

* Please don't leave me de ese modo

He's dead.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

No, no. Oh, God!

Oh, well, uh, we were just talking.

* Thought I was your only vato

Everybody freeze!

* Hey, baby que paso?

We're here.

What's the... What's the matter?

My whole life's the matter, that's what!

Kind of an inescapable problem, being who I am.

Don't do that. Don't cry.

I'm not crying!

I can't even wipe my eyes.

Okay.

Take it easy.

Ow.

Okay, where is it?

I don't know. I threw it someplace.

What's with this crummy wallet anyway?

My contact's phone number is in the wallet,

and if I don't reach her by tomorrow in Mexico,

I've blown a $140 million deal.

Shit.

All right. If you found a wallet in your house...

And it didn't belong to you,

what would you do?

I'd think it was a hat and I'd wear it on my head.

These guys are brothers and they're both named Jim.

The Jims?

You know them?

Oh. Oh, God.

Okay, this is gonna be a tough one.

So, we have to reorient ourselves.

Now put yourself in the other guy's shoes.

So, I'm a Jim, my name is Jim.

I'm very, very stupid. I wake up in the morning and what do I do?

You bump into things. You trip over your own feet.

After that.

Get a beer.

Get a beer.

Okay, I've had my beer. Now what?

You have another one.

After that. Another one.

After I've had all the beer that I can drink.

You have one more.

You're pretty good at this.

I'm thinking like a Jim.

Hmm.

Ugh!

Guess that's where they keep the dirty ones.

It's alive.

Lemme outta here. No!

I'm gonna untie your hands.

But you have to promise not to beat the shit outta me.

Okay.

It's him.

What's going on?

We're running and he's shooting!

Oh! Ah!

Hello?

Oh, Mr. Buchenwald, I can't talk right now.

Yes, I'll call you if the... When the papers are signed.

Who is that guy? I don't know.

It's a nightmare.

Why does everybody who sees you want to shoot at you?

One kissed me.

Oh, yeah, I know. I'm starved too.

That wasn't my stomach.

Don't panic! The worst thing you can do is run.

What should we do, then?

Curl up and pretend we're a piece of food?

Just do as I say and don't run.

Run!

Get him! Get him!

What'd you do to Jose?

What kind of a world are we living in?

Just don't think about it, Larry.

One of us is gonna have to break the news to the...

Late mayor's widow.

You stay here.

I'll do it.

I'll come with you.

Guess we're stuck here all night again, Jim.

Shit!

Mom? Marci!

If he's touched them, I'll break his spine

with my bare hands, I swear to God.

Here, stay here and look out the window.

If you see anybody coming, yell.

And I'll call the police.

Who's that?

Probably a wrong number.

Then, maybe it's for us.

Maybe.

Hello?

BILL: I don't have time to explain. We're in great danger.

Go to the Van Der Haven house at the end of Seaview Drive. Got that?

Uh... well... yeah.

Who was it?

Wrong number.

Oh.

Bill?

So, we meet at last.

Okay, hang up on me now.

Hang up on me now!

Shame on you!

Just stay right there!

Get over there and don't move!

All right. Take it easy.

Are you gonna kill us and cut us into little pieces?

Everybody, shut up!

Okay, kids, quiet down. Your father's angry.

Gimme the passbook. The bank passbook!

Here it is, Peter. It was here all the time.

All you had to do was ask.

The name's Matt. Matt Skearns.

You got what you want. Your twin's dead.

MATT: Yeah, I got what I want, almost.

I did 15 years for a murder he committed. This money's mine!

Get in there. Go on. Go on!

You, answer the door.

Don't say anything or you're dead.

Mrs. Van Der Haven,

I'm very sorry to have to bring you this very bad news.

I regret to inform you that your husband...

He's back from the dead!

What seems to be the matter?

We just brought you your effects.

So much for the police.

Aren't you gonna take one of us hostage?

They always take a hostage in case something goes wrong.

No hostages.

But, you have to!

You take one of us hostage and lock the rest of us in the basement.

You go to the bank, get the dough, come back and ice the rest of us,

cut us into little pieces and stuff us in garbage... Shut up.

Shut up, Marci.

How much money you gonna get from the bank?

100,000? 200,000?

Why don't you let me make one phone call?

You could have a million dollars.

Bill Campbell's office.

Jenny, I need you to do something for me.

Sell all our shares of Atwater Tech.

Then wire $1 million to the First National Bank of Buzzsaw.

But... No buts. Just do it.

Yes, sir.

We don't have any shares in Atwater Tech.

Transfer will take about 15 minutes.

So here's the deal.

Take me with you to the bank and let everyone else go.

You're not in any position to make deals.

Then shoot me.

You're thinking I won't care about my own life

once I know that my family's safe.

Take a second hostage.

You're thinking I can't watch two hostages at the same time.

Put the other hostage in the trunk.

Shut up, Marci.

Thanks, kid.

Okay, to the basement.

Hi, Mr. Mayor. This is Vincent.

Piss off!

Hello, Mayor.

Hello, Mr. Mayor.

Hi, Mr. Mayor.

Mr. Mayor. I thought you were speaking at the Founder's Day Festival.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you give the speech for me?

There should be a million dollars wired here under the name "Bill Campbell."

I'm sorry, Mr. Mayor, we've had no transaction like that.

I don't think we've ever had a transaction like that.

Nobody move!

All right, just gimme what you got!

It's me.

BILL: Okay, it's gonna be all right.

SALLY: Let me out of here!

I gotta get help. I'll be right back.

Hurry!

Push. No, it's further. You gotta twist.

Come on.

Push, push.

Jim Yep?

I got 'em.

Come on, Jim.

You got it? I'm gettin' it.

Jim!

You? You!

I...

Never mind.

I'm back. SALLY: Hurry!

Hey, this your car?

Yes!

This ain't your car.

My father's car.

Shit!

Is this your son?

Yeah.

Damn!

Hey! Get outta there. That's my truck!

Damn! Hey, that's my truck!

LARRY: It's gonna charge.

They always charge when they see red!

It's a cow, Larry.

It's a cow.

Oh!

Okay.

Step over. I can't!

Here, try again. Give me your hand.

Jump!

I can't! My foot's caught!

My hands are slipping!

I am falling!

I got you.

Wha...

Oh, shit!

Oh, God.

They gotta be down here somewhere.

Jeez.

You all right? Yeah.

Oh, God, it's over.

Don't get it.

Bill! You're always one jump ahead, aren't you?

Mr. Buchenwald.

I'll never figure out how you knew

Daisy was a dog.

Turns out they're totally overextended.

Brilliant stall tactics, by the way.

You saved us 140 million.

Breakfast meeting, tomorrow. 8:00, Riviera Bay Club.

We're going for Tactel Industries this time. It may get bloody.

Bill?

I can't make the meeting, Mr. Buchenwald.

You can't make the meeting?

Did somebody make you a better offer someplace else?

I'm working on it.

I'll top it! I'll top it! I'll top it!

Aha!

MARCI: So Matt joined his twin brother in hell,

and Bill and Sally are getting married in a few days.

And my mom's a widow, but she's very happy.

And that's what I did during my summer vacation.

BOY: Wow, what a vacation!

See you tomorrow, children.

BOY 1: What a story!

BOY 2: She's a good storyteller, no matter what you say.

BOY 1: You think it was true?

BOY 2: Ah, it was true.

What about the Jims?

SALLY: So, what will you do now?

BILL: I don't know. Maybe there's an opening in Buzzsaw.

Mayor of Buzzsaw?

Well, it's a question of reorientation.

You know?

Hop in. Come on.

Where you headed?

Buzzsaw.

We can take you right into town.

We just gotta tank up first.

Y'all wanna come tank up with us?

Why not?

SALLY: Good idea.

All right.

You guys by any chance registered to vote?

* Hey, baby que paso?

JIM JR: Hey, you gotta go left here, Jim.

Left. Left.

JIM SR: Okay. JIM JR: Yeah.

* Hey, baby que paso?

* Please don't leave me de ese modo

* Come on, baby turn around

* Let me see your pretty blue eyes

* Don't you know that I love you

* Please don't leave me de ese modo

* Hey, baby que paso?

* Thought I was your only vato

* Hey, baby que paso?

* Won't you give me un beso?

* Que paso, baby? I thought I was your only vato

* What's happening here?

* Hey, baby que paso?

* Thought I was your only vato

* Hey, baby que paso?

* Please don't leave me de ese modo

* Come on, baby turn around

* Let me show you how I feel

* Don't you know that I love you

* And my corazon is real

* Hey, baby que paso?

* Thought I was your only vato

* Hey, baby que paso?

* Won't you give me un beso

* It's Freddy Fender!

* Hey, baby que paso?

* Thought I was your only vato

* Hey, baby que paso?