Original subtitles

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Ladies and gentlemen,

Kevin Nealon.

7

I don't want to get sick.

I don't want to get sick.

It has nothing to do with you

personally.

It's just your dirty,

disgusting, filthy germs.

That's all.

Thank you for being here.

I am so excited that you made it

here.

Yes, fantastic, thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, I just--I don't want to

get sick, that's all it is.

I've been running myself ragged.

I am so worn down.

My immune system.

I've been traveling, touring.

I just wrote a book.

It's on mormon cults.

It's called "always the bride,

never the bridesmaid."

And, yeah, I think it's gonna be

very good.

I think it's gonna be very good.

But seriously, I mean, I am

exhau--I don't even know what

today is to be honest with you.

According to my pillbox, today

is "f", that's all I know.

It's "f".

I was so useless today.

I mean, I wanted to do so much

when I was here, and just--i

don't know--everything seems

like a lot of work to me lately.

Have you gotten to that point

in life yet?

You know, like everything, it

just seems like--like, I wanted

to see a movie, but then I

thought, "eh, then I'd have to

go there."

That's the worst.

I was cleaning out my drawer

a couple days ago, and I came

across a snow globe, and I

thought, "i ought to start

collecting these things."

But then I thought, "eh, then

i'd need to get more."

It's ridiculous.

I want to write a screenplay,

but I don't live close to a

starbucks.

You know, it's just I'm, like,

making excuses now.

I'm just lazy.

I want to ski.

I haven't skied, like, in three

years.

It just seems like a lot of work

now, you know?

I remember the first time--

Remember when you were a kid--

Remember when--remember when you

were a--

[laughter]

I like it when people reminisce.

Their voice shoots up, like,

five octaves.

You know.

"remember when I met you?"

remember--it's like no matter

how tough the guy is, it always

comes out that way, you know?

[tough voice] "hey, tony, I was

just thinking about the time we

worked in that steel mill down

in pittsburgh.

[higher voice] remember when we

beat the hell out of that

trucker?

Boom, boom. Remember that?

Remember when we did that?"

I bet, even if they're speaking

a foreign language, you could

tell when they're reminiscing.

You know, or a tribe deep in the

jungle.

You know...

[imitating a language]

[speaks at a higher pitch]

[laughter]

I don't know if that was smoking

a joint or doing a blow dart.

I don't know what that was.

I'm not sure.

But I remember the first time

I ever went skiing.

I didn't know anything about it.

I didn't know they labeled the

trails for difficulties.

You know, like black diamonds

and greens and blues.

And I'm driving through the

mountains here in colorado, and

I pull into this convenience

store, and I said to the guy

behind the counter, said, "hey,

what's the best mountain to go

skiing at around here?"

and he looked at me right in the

eyes, and he goes, "you know

what, I like copper mountain,

but a lot of people don't like

to go there because they're

afraid of all the blacks."

[laughter]

I thought, "oh, my god, this

guy's a racist."

He said, "but, you know what, I

don't mind the blacks.

I have a lot of fun with them.

I have a lot of fun with them.

But they will beat you up.

They will beat you up.

They will beat you up.

And they are all over the

mountain.

They're everywhere.

They're everywhere.

And, you know what, some of

them, not very well-groomed."

He said, "but, if you want the

good white powder, that's where

you got to go."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I thought, "well, I'm not going

to copper mountain.

That's for sure."

Yeah, you got to be so

politically correct nowadays.

You really do.

I mean, I was just in--oh, let's

make it nashville.

And I--no--and I had a cab

driver pick me up at the

airport, nice guy, tall, black,

african-american gentleman.

Nice guy, his name was boyd.

I said, "excuse me, what was

your name?"

he said, "boyd."

I have never pronounced the "d"

so hard in my life, because I

didn't want any kind of

misunderstandings, you know.

"you got a real nice city here,

boyduh."

"i'll be right out, boyduh."

Because a friend of mine told me

I don't enunciate some of

my words when I talk, you know,

like, when I say, "'uge,"

I don't pronounce the "h",

she said, and it annoyed her.

Like, I should be saying "huge,"

I guess, instead of "'uge."

I thought that was something

silly to be annoyed about.

I can see if I didn't pronounce

my hs when I laughed.

That could be annoying.

Like a-a-a-a-a-a-a.

You know.

People would think I'm choking.

They're giving me the heimlich

maneuver.

"no, no, I'm having a good time.

I'm not in distress at all.

Not in distress at all."

We're gonna have a good time

tonight.

We're gonna have a good time

tonight.

[chuckles]

wouldn't it be creepy if you

were on a date with some guy

and all night he's saying,

"we're gonna have a good time

tonight.

We're gonna have a good time

tonight"?

And you weren't have a good

time, and it got later and later

in the date.

"hey, we're gonna have a good

time tonight."

"yeah, but when? When?"

"you let me worry about that.

You let me worry about that."

Hey, wouldn't it be great if

barack obama, without saying

anything, just very gradually

over a period of, like, three or

four months, just started

growing a big, old afro?

Stuck a pick in the back, you

know.

Rainbow colors for the debates.

This is not a good time to be

president of the united states.

I got to be honest with you.

I don't care who's president.

It's gonna be tough.

It's probably a worse time to be

a dictator in one of these

middle eastern countries.

I mean, those guys are dropping

like flies.

I mean, hussein, mubarak,

gaddafi.

Gaddafi hung in there too long.

He should have just--he should

have gone away.

He should have--if he wanted to

disappear, he should have gone

to aruba, hooked up with some

guy in a bar, and then he would

have been gone.

That's the way to do it.

That's the way to do it.

But, yeah, barack obama, I mean,

everybody's blaming him because

of the economy, and I'm telling

you, this country would not be

in this position if

wesley snipes had paid his

taxes.

You got to put the blame where

the blame belongs.

I love politicians.

They're so creepy.

They're just such liars, you

know.

They'll tell you anything.

I like the ads, the commercials.

They show them hunting,

you know, like, pheasants and

rabbits with a rifle, as if they

think we're gonna watch that

commercial, see them shooting,

and think, "oh, well, they're

good protectors of our country

if ever we go to war."

But, seriously, when was

the last time we went to war

with pheasants or rabbits?

You know, it doesn't happen.

It doesn't happen.

You don't know who's telling

the truth.

If you want the truth,

ask a child.

And then punish them, because

you don't get ahead in this

world by being honest.

That's not what you do.

I think comics are good liars.

They're good b.s. Artists.

And I'm speaking for myself here

too, you know.

I remember when I was about

17 years old, I wanted a guitar.

And I didn't have the money for

it, but I saw that

dunkin' donuts was hiring

a doughnut maker.

They needed a doughnut maker.

I've never made a doughnut in my

life, but I wanted to get this

guitar.

So I figured I'd work there for

a couple of weeks and then I'd

quit, get my guitar, 'cause I'm

not gonna work at

dunkin' donuts for the rest of

my life.

So I had an interview with the

manager, and he really liked me,

and then, at the end of the

interview, he said, "now you're

not just gonna quit after

a couple of weeks, are you?"

I said, "no, this is what I want

to do.

This is what I want to do."

And then I quit a couple weeks

later.

I did get the money for

the guitar, though.

Seriously, I don't want to get

sick.

It's not gonna happen.

It's not gonna happen.

I have not gotten a flu shot

yet.

you guys gotten flu shots?

[mixed reactions]

yes, no. No, yes.

It seems like everybody's giving

out flu shots.

You know, the guy at cvs gives

'em out, I guess at target,

everywhere.

My mechanics give 'em out after

every oil change.

Am I the only guy that doesn't

know how to give a flu shot?

Are these ex-junkies that are

giving flu shots?

Are they putting the belt around

you before they do it?

That's not a good sign right

there.

I'm afraid of needles to be

honest with you.

I don't like the needles.

That's why I don't have tattoos.

Oh, I'd have tattoos if I didn't

mind needles.

I'd get a couple tattoos.

A couple tats, as they call it.

Tats.

Maybe I'd get a tramp stamp.

Sure. Why not?

I'd be the first guy to get

a tramp stamp.

Guys don't get tramp stamps, do

they?

I wouldn't get a butterfly,

though.

I would get--I would probably

get, like...

Maybe some extra belt loops back

there, you know.

Just something practical.

Something practical.

But here's the thing.

If you're a 21-year-old girl and

you want a tramp stamp, don't

get it down here in your lower

back.

Get it behind your neck here,

because, eventually, your skin

is gonna sag all the way down

to here, you'll see.

Because, if you get it here from

the get-go, very soon it's gonna

become a taint stamp.

[laughter]

and, in that case, you should

get a bat, because it gonna be

hanging upside-down right here.

You heard me.

I'm trying to help you out.

I'm only trying to help you out.

I don't want to get sick.

I got food poisoning over

the holidays.

That is the worst.

Oh, my god.

That is terrible.

And, you know, people always

say, "well, what made you sick?"

and they don't care about you.

They just want to make sure they

don't eat the same thing and get

sick.

That's what it is.

I wish, when you threw up, the

sound it made told you what the

food was that you ate, you know?

Then you could pinpoint it.

Mu-mugh--egg salad!

It was egg salad, honey.

It was egg salad.

Curry chicken!

Oh, it was curry chicken too.

Curry chicken.

Women throw up different than

guys.

You know, a guy will throw up,

blah, he'll go back to bed,

moan a little bit.

But the woman, they throw up,

they go, blah, and then right

on the scale, "aah.

Five pounds, honey.

Five pounds. Five pounds.

Did you throw away the egg

salad?

No, okay, good, good. Good."

But what I had over the

holidays, it was--I made the

mistake--I mixed up the egg

beater with the egg nog.

I thought I was getting egg nog,

but it was egg beater, and I was

pouring glasses for everybody

and pouring the alcohol in

there, so the alcohol kind of

masked it a little bit, but the

next morning, oh, we were all

puking rum omelets.

It was the worst.

I thought I was getting a cold

a couple weeks ago.

It's the worst, getting a cold,

'cause it stays with you for so

long.

And I had an old cough drop in

my pocket.

You ever find the old cough drop

in a pair of pants you haven't

worn for a while?

And the thing has been through,

like, ten washings, you know.

But you're desperate.

You want--you need the cough

drop, and you try to get as much

of the wrapper off as possible,

and you're pulling it off, and

you get almost all of it, but

there's still a little bit left

there, and then you figure,

"i'll let the tongue get the

rest."

You throw it in there, and the

tongue is all over it like

a bloodhound, you know.

"i got to get the paper off

this.

This had better be smooth.

I got to make this smooth.

I don't know how this got past

the lips, but this could be

problematic right here."

It's like when you have a chip

in your tooth.

You know, it's all over that

chip.

"oh, I'm gonna make this smooth.

I'm gonna check on it every

five seconds.

I'm gonna see what's going on.

Oh, it's still rough, still

rough."

It's a good thing the tongue is

attached to your mouth.

Otherwise, it'd be all over this

room.

"oh, you didn't shave your legs.

Your legs should be smooth.

Oh, you're a guy.

Sorry about that.

Sorry about that."

[laughter]

yeah, I think--I think, to stay

healthy, you keep the stress

level down.

I think that's the way to do it,

you know, because, when you're

stressed, that's when you get

sick.

That's what they say.

I just started meditating.

That's my new thing.

Meditation. I get in the room--

I'm not good at it.

I'm not doing it--maybe I'm not

doing it right.

But I get in the room, and I

start worrying about other

stuff, 'cause I have all this

free time.

My mind starts wandering, you

know, and I think probably--

My mantra's not the best.

My mantra is this.

"ohhhh....

No, no, no, no!"

I just worry about so much

stuff, you know.

Do you do this?

When you're driving, does your

wife or girlfriend--and if you

have both, that's probably why

you're stressed.

Don't keep 'em in the car

together.

That's not a good idea.

But, no, they, like, all of

a sudden let out a gasp like,

"ah!"

I call it the irritable gasp

disorder, igd.

But it's like they go, "ah!"

and you go, "what? What?"

you think you're about to hit,

you know, a cat or a kid, and

they go, "oh, I just remembered

there's a sale at nordstrom's

tomorrow."

Oh, you got to keep the stress

down.

I learned something very

valuable.

Never wear a red shirt to

target.

Hey, I don't mind helping

people, but not every two

minutes, you know what I mean?

I got stuff I'm looking for too.

But here's the problem.

People don't know how to let go.

That's why they're stressed.

That's why they're not happy.

Like, for example, I wanted to

go to germany with a friend of

mine, but he doesn't want to go,

because he's jewish and the

whole holocaust thing.

I said, "let it go. Let it go.

Let's go.

While we're there, you can key

a mercedes.

There, you're even. You're even.

You're even."

And then other people are just

very happy in life.

Like, the people that live in

new zealand.

Have you noticed--those are

happy people.

They don't care about anything.

They have fun.

They fling themselves off of

bridges with a bungee cord,

you know.

They love the bungee thing down

there.

Anything they could jump off of,

they love that.

Even when they have babies now,

for the first month they don't

cut the umbilical cord.

They let 'em dangle like that.

You thought having an untied

shoelace was annoying.

But that is, like, unbelievable.

But, yeah, some people resort

to drugs to find happiness.

You know, I'm not a prude or

anything.

You know, I've done some stuff,

you know.

I tried ecstasy once.

But only as a breath mint.

And guess what?

Curiously strong.

Curiously strong. Yeah.

I had no complaints for, like,

eight hours.

Nothing. Nothing.

I've never done cocaine in my

life, never.

And, believe me, I've been

offered tons of cocaine during

the '80s and '90s in all these

comedy clubs, especially this

one.

and--because at the time I had

a very bad self-image, and they

would always bring it out on

a mirror.

And I don't want to see myself.

If they had brought it out

on a breadboard, I'd probably be

a cokehead today.

I really would. I really would.

Everybody finds their happiness

wherever it is, you know.

My parents are happy.

They're in their 80s, and they--

They've been married for

61 years.

61 years. Yeah.

Yeah. And they still hold hands.

But I think that's to keep from

falling over, to be honest with

you.

yeah.

They came out to visit us last

weekend, because my son was

having his fifth birthday party.

It's very difficult to plan

a party for a five-year-old,

'cause you have to plan it

around their nap.

You know what I mean?

And he naps at 2:00.

Then I had to find out when all

his friends at school took their

naps.

I had to find out when my

parents nap.

And, you know, I power nap at

3:00 every day, so I had to plan

the party when everyone would

be awake at the same time.

So we had it at 7:00 in the

morning.

Everybody was wide awake.

We had egg beaters.

It was delicious.

I love to sleep, I really do.

It's getting to be that time of

the year too, which is a lot

better than that time of the

month, I'll tell you that.

But this is sleeping weather.

The winter is the best.

It's the best.

In the winter, I sleep with my

windows open with a lot of

blankets.

You like to do that?

Get all cozy, right?

You get that draft coming in

from outside.

Oh, I love that.

And then in the summer I crank

the air conditioner all the way

up, I open up the windows, I

sleep out in the backyard.

Yeah, you get that draft coming

from inside the house.

Oh, I like that.

That's nice.

I like that.

You ever been so tired, you fell

asleep sitting up?

That happened to me, like, four

days ago.

And I woke up, and I thought,

"jesus, I better pull over.

This is dangerous.

This is dangerous."

And it is dangerous.

It's dangerous, what with

the economy the way it is.

But here's the problem--i'm not

getting a lot of sleep at night.

Because I get up to go to

the bathroom, like, four times

a night.

How many times for you?

How many times?

>> I don't get up until

the morning.

>> you don't get up until

the morning.

So how wet is the bed

in the morning?

It's pretty wet?

>> ask her.

>> so no--none at all?

Wow, you might have some

blockage going on down there.

How's your prostate?

How big is your prostate?

>> my internist told me I had a

very small, smooth prostate.

[laughter]

>> a small, smooth prostate.

You sure she was talking about

the prostate?

You should have that checked

out.

you should have that checked

out.

have a doctor check it out next

time.

Yeah.

No, the prostate should be

the size of a walnut.

That's what I've been told.

They always gauge body parts

like nuts and fruits, you know,

fruits.

But you never go to the grocery

store--the grocer never says,

"hey, you got to see these

grapefruits.

They're the size of tumors.

Check it out.

Check it out, man."

Yeah, but I'm going, like, four

or five times a night, and, um,

and I'm not sleeping.

You know, it's like I'm always

on the way to the bathroom.

I'd probably get a better

night's sleep if I started on

the toilet and get up to go to

my bed, you know, like, four or

five times.

Yeah, 61 years my parents have

been married.

Here's--here's why people don't

stay together, I think.

A lot of people have been

breaking up these last couple of

years.

They're splitting up.

I think it's communication.

People don't communicate with

each other.

When I was a bachelor--when I

was a bachelor, I had a bag of

ice--it was a bag of frozen peas

that I would use as a ice pack.

You know, I had it for, like,

five years.

Do you use the frozen peas?

>> yeah.

>> it's the best, isn't it?

Because it molds to your body.

I mean, I used it for sprains,

you know, black eyes, fat lips,

and I had been through so much

with that bag of peas for five

years.

This was my wilson.

It was my wilson.

And then I got married, and I

didn't tell my wife about the

bag of peas, and I came home one

night, and she had cooked my

wilson.

And I was just so resentful.

Because I didn't tell her.

That was the problem.

They weren't even good.

They had, like, a minty taste,

'cause of all the bengay over

the years, you know, down the

side.

Oh, it was horrible.

But I'm just saying that

people--

Maybe they're just not happy

with their sex life.

Maybe that's what it is.

Here's some good news.

They found a cure for erectile

dysfunction that only requires

one needle injection into

the penis.

And they also found the cause of

erectile dysfunction, which is

hearing the phrase, "one needle

injection into the penis."

I just--I just--I don't get some

guys.

You know, it's like, nothing is

enough.

Nothing is enough.

It's like, a lot of guys are

doing, like, the rope around

the neck thing now.

You know, the autoerotic

asphyxiation, and people die

from that.

I mean, you don't want to be

found like that.

You know what I mean?

You should at least have a

spotter if you're gonna do that.

I'm serious.

I mean a qualified spotter.

Someone, you know, who knows--

Who knows the ropes per se,

you know.

Not some guy who's out in the

bushes going, "yeah, you got it,

baby.

You gotta work it, work it.

Yeah, all right, walk it off.

Walk it off. You got it.

You got it."

But, I mean, how bored do you

have to be with your sex life to

resort to something like that?

Have you exhausted every other

avenue?

Have you seen all the national

parks?

Have you gone on the latest ride

at six flags, you know?

I mean, personally, I would

never try that.

It just seems too--I mean,

unless somebody broke into my

house and they were strangling

me anyway.

Then I'd think, okay, I'll give

it a shot, 'cause it's

convenient.

What have I got to lose?

Maybe I creep the guy out.

"ooh, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no.

No, no."

And then the sexting.

Guys with the sexting

on the cell phones.

Guys have to understand that

women do not like pictures of

penises sent to them, I've

learned.

They do not like that.

If you want to impress women,

send them a picture of your

paycheck.

Send them a picture of your

paycheck.

Or send them the actual

paycheck.

Cut right to the chase.

Not you, though, not you,

not you.

I always heard that women like

a sense of humor, so, if you're

gonna send them a picture of

your penis, make it funny.

Put a little hat on it.

Put some glasses on there.

You know, doctor it up a little

bit, make it fun.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, marriage is tough I think

for some people.

Everybody--you know, sometimes

they'll have, like, an affair

or something in the

relationship, but they call it

a hiccup, and they say, "we got

back together."

But I think it's more than

a hiccup.

It's more like a burp with a

little puke coming out I think.

If you want to be honest.

Yeah.

Now, personally, I am very

loyal.

I'm very romantic.

I just renewed my vows.

With another woman, with another

woman.

But still, still. Good.

Good. Good.

I get guys, 'cause why?

I'm a guy too.

Yeah. Yeah.

And I understand guys.

I too have a wandering eye.

Sure, but luckily my other eye's

a lazy eye.

So it's a push.

They cancel each other out.

The wandering eye's like, "hey,

baby, what do you say we go back

up to your place and have

a little drunk?", and then

the lazy eye comes around, "oh,

this looks like a lot of work.

Can I just have a cookie?

Can I have a cookie?"

even in my dreams, you would not

believe the opportunities I've

passed up.

You do this?

You wake up in the morning, and

you go, "oh, no, that was just

a dream?

You mean, I could have been with

all the ladies from 'the view?'"

but no, no.

Are they still hot?

I haven't seen the show

in a while.

They still pretty hot?

I record a lot of shows,

dvr a lot of shows, but I never

end up watching them.

I just like freeing up space on

the dvr to make room for new

shows that I'm never gonna see.

You know what I mean?

That's where my entertainment

comes from--freeing up space.

Just knowing that I have that

space.

You know, like a lot of people

want to get their body fat down

to 15%, I want to get the

available space on my dvr down

to 76%.

Then I'll be happy.

Then I'll be happy.

I'll tell you what I do watch,

though.

You got a minute?

What I like to watch is--they're

kind of reality shows.

I call them the hot chick

trials.

It's like these pretty women

that are on trial for these

crazy crimes like murder.

You know what I'm talking--like

casey anthony, amanda knox.

Really pretty girls--

That one in italy.

But they never get, you know,

accu--they never get sent to

prison, 'cause they're too

pretty, and, if there's a guy in

the jury, they're not gonna have

it.

they want 'em out on the street.

That's just the way it is.

That's--if you're poor and

unattractive, yeah, sure, maybe

you go to prison, but, you know,

and again, I'm a guy, I get it.

I understand it.

I was watching that

casey anthony trial for, like,

four days in a row.

And I'm watching, I'm thinking,

"wow, she's kind of cute.

I hope she doesn't go to

prison."

[laughter]

but then, on the fifth day, she

came out and she had her hair

behind her ears, and I noticed

her ears looked a little big,

and I thought, "oh, maybe she is

guilty."

And then I saw a little zit on

her chin, and I thought,

"hang her, hang her, hang her."

Yeah, it's not good.

How could you not be stressed

with everything that's going on

in the world?

How could you not be stressed?

What about that rapture that was

supposed to hit us?

See, this stuff happens.

Natural things happen that you

can't help.

That rapture never hit us, thank

god--I guess it got pushed out

to sea or something.

They never say why it never hit

us, you know.

There's no...

But I knew it wasn't gonna hit

us, like, the day before,

because I made a random phone

call to australia.

They're a day ahead of us, and

guess what?

Somebody picked up the phone.

Yeah.

I said, "thank you.

That's all I need to know."

And the refrigerator's running,

and they have prince albert in

the can.

So it was a win-win situation

for me.

But, yeah, but stuff happens.

What about these tsunamis with

the "t"?

That's how powerful these waves

are.

they suck other letters from the

alphabet onto them that don't

even belong there.

That "t" has no right being on

that word with an "s".

Tsunami.

You can't say it now without

stuttering.

"look out for that...

[stutters]

ah, it's too late.

It's too late now."

Somewhere there's another word

that needed that "t" that

doesn't have it now.

And it better not be tornado.

"look out for that ornado!"

"what? What?"

"ornado! Oh!"

I want to be in a tornado.

You ever been in a tornado?

I want to be in a tornado.

I want to be down in the

basement safe with like a big

mattress over me and just

listening to everything hit the

house, you know, the draft

coming in under the door.

Oh, I like that.

Just under the mattress.

I like that.

But it's got to be crazy just

hearing everything outside,

animals running, cows getting

picked up.

"moo, moo, moo."

That's all you hear.

"moo, moo."

It's like a cow nascar.

"moo, moo, moo, moo, moo."

[sighs]

I grew up on a small farm in

connecticut.

It was only, like, a half an

acre, which presented a problem,

'cause we had about 1,500 head

of cattle.

So we would stack 'em all to get

'em on the property.

What about that japanese

tsunami?

That was tragic.

That was horrible.

And, boy, these newscasters, the

local newscasters, I live on the

west coast, they try to get you

so scared.

They so rile, like, you know,

this is it.

You know, it's coming after us

now.

it's coming after us.

They're down by the water with

the cameras, which meant it

wasn't coming after us,

you know.

And they're saying, "boy, this

tsunami, all the way from japan,

it's gonna be hitting the west

coast anytime.

Oh, oh, here it comes.

You can see it with your naked

eye.

there it is.

Here it comes, here it comes.

There's a three-inch ripple.

Right there, that three-inch

ripple all the way from japan.

There it is, there it is, there

it was, there it goes, there it

goes.

Folks, there was a shell here

not two seconds ago, right

there, right in front of me.

That shell is completely gone

now.

there is no trace of that shell.

We were talking to a woman down

by the water a little bit

earlier, right before the

tsunami hit.

She had a full glass of wine.

That wine is down about that

much now.

Yeah. From the tsunami."

And you know off camera they're

throwing rice and chopsticks

into the water, you know, to

make it look like it came from

japan.

[mumbles]

"oh, look at the rice and the

chopsticks in the water.

Look at that flat screen tv

going by over there.

Oh, check out this toyota got

washed up on the road.

It looks like it's parked over

there.

Oh, my god, stay at home,

everybody.

Stay at home."

These are acts of god.

These are acts of god.

They're not his best acts,

I don't think.

I think he's got better.

I'm not that religious.

I pray, you know, I pray

sparingly.

I pray when I really need

something.

You know.

But some people with their petty

prayers, I'm telling you, it's

like, every second they're

praying.

Like, these baseball players

before they go up to bat.

I'm thinking, what are you

wasting a prayer on a silly

game for?

Why don't you try practicing

instead of asking for a miracle?

You know, why don't you go to

the batting cage once in a

while or start juicing like

everybody else?

'cause one of these days that

guy's gonna be on the operating

table and he's gonna be really

needing that prayer.

"god, please get me through this

surgery.

I really need you to help me

out."

"you know what, I would, but I

gave you that home run in that

game a couple years ago."

"no, no, you gave me a double."

"oh, you're right, you're right.

I did give you the double.

Okay, I will get you through

the surgery, but I'm gonna have

to give you a staph infection.

That's all I can do."

Do you think if jesus twittered,

he would be checking to see

how many followers he had all

the time?

I bet he would.

He's so like that.

It's all about numbers for him,

isn't it?

But, yeah, those are acts of

god, and then there's manmade

acts, you know, like, things

that we create, that we get

ourselves into trouble for, like

these mines that collapse.

Like that one in chile.

I mean, that was, like, for

69 days, those guys are trapped

in this little, dark space.

I mean, I would have freaked

out to be down there.

I'm not good with the small,

dark spaces with

spanish-speaking people like

that.

But, yeah, I guess one of

the guys, apparently the wife

had found out he'd been having

an affair, you know.

Not when he was, you know, in

the hole.

If I was that guy, I would never

have come out of that mine.

I would have stayed down there,

'cause I know the tempers on

those chilean women.

Not good, not good.

I would have told those--

"go ahead, I'll wait down here.

It'll be all right."

I would have asked them to drill

another hole from the other side

of the world.

I don't care how long it would

have taken, I would have just

gone out that way.

And I still would have waited

two weeks before I went out that

way.

but, yeah--and then they all

came up out of the hole, you

know, and they were in the sun.

You saw it on the news.

They were all out in the sun

after being in the dark for

69 days.

They're, you know, squinting,

and they got the sunglasses.

They all had sunglasses on.

And I know what that's like too,

'cause I was sleeping the other

night, and my wife turned

the light on in the bedroom.

I thought, okay, this is what

the miners went through.

This is what those miners went

through.

But you don't see me calling

myself a hero, do you?

no.

Heroes are soldiers or

astronauts or people that walk

on the moon--that's what a hero

is.

[applause]

thank you.

Some people think we never went

to the moon.

They think, no, no, we never

went there.

It's a conspiracy theory.

Other people think, no, no, we

did go to the moon, but when it

was a full moon.

Try doing it when it's

a crescent moon.

Not that easy.

Whoa. Whoa.

Who comes up with the idea to

send somebody to the moon?

You know, how do you--who's that

smart?

Who goes to school for that

stuff?

I don't know anything about

engineering.

I was a waiter once, and the guy

had a wobbly table.

And he wanted me to, you know,

level it off or something, so I

went in the kitchen, I got some

shims, some wedges, and I came

out, and I put one under each of

their plates.

Nothing. Nothing.

I'm glad the guy's chair wasn't

wobbly.

That would have been a problem.

I've been just belaboring this

thought.

I'm thinking about switching

from a iphone over to

a blackberry.

>> all: no!

>> no, no, I know, I know.

I know, I'm not gonna do it.

I was just thinking about it.

It's like suicide.

I've thought about it, but I

would never do it.

It's just for attention.

It's just for attention, that's

all.

just for attention.

By the way, almost impossible to

commit suicide now with these

hybrid cars.

You got to sit in the garage

forever.

It's ridiculous.

You die of boredom if anything.

You got to keep turning the

radio on to see if the car's

running.

"man, how did he die?"

"boredom.

He was in the garage with

a hybrid.

Nothing happened."

But it's good, because,

you know, you try to go green.

You do what you can.

We're going paperless in our

house.

And it's presenting a little bit

of a problem in the bathroom.

They should have an app for

that.

Like, a crap app.

A crap app.

Do they have one of those?

They should have a crap--maybe

just a little, like, water

squirting out of your phone like

a bidet.

You know, you could use it as

a waterpik too.

Whatever you want.

Whatever you want.

Mix it up a little bit.

Mix it up.

Nobody uses a payphone anymore,

do they?

They don't--whenever I see

somebody on a payphone, I think,

"uh-oh, they're up to no good.

They are up to no good."

I was using the cell phone in

the car a couple weeks ago, and

a cop pulled me over, because

you can't use a cell phone where

I live.

You know, you can't be talking

into the phone.

You could eat a big mac, you

know, you could put your makeup

on in the mirror, you could have

a starbucks between your legs,

you could be steering with your

knees, but you can't hold a cell

phone.

And the cop pulled me over.

They never tell you what you do

wrong.

He sticks his head in the

window, and he goes, "do you

know why I pulled you over?"

I said, "excuse me, I'm on

the phone."

How rude is that?

I'm always trying to think of

ways to get out of tickets.

You know what I mean?

And I feel bad for people that

are pulled over for sobriety

tests, because sometimes they're

not drunk, and those tests

are hard, even if you're sober.

'cause you don't practice those

things.

Like the backwards alphabet.

That's not the easiest thing in

the world to do.

You know, everyone knows the

"z", but, after that, there's

the "w" and the "y" and, you

know, "x".

Maybe there's the way to do it.

Okay, backwards alphabet,

officer?

Okay.

A, b, c, d, e, f, g, h,

i, j, k...

I don't know, I'm just--

I'm spitballing here.

I don't know.

You could use that if you get

pulled over.

But some of them are good.

What about the one with the

finger to the nose with your

eyes closed?

I mean, that--who does that?

You never practice that.

I mean, that's hard to do.

Unless you have a big nose, you

know, or a smelly finger.

Smelly finger.

In fact, here's a little tip,

a little tip.

Next time, as you're getting

pulled over, a little swipe back

there.

"okay, officer, here it comes.

All right, here it is.

Yeah, that's me.

That's me. What else?

What else, officer? What else?

What else?

But if he wants you to follow

his finger, don't take their

hand back there.

Don't do that.

That's not gonna fly.

Or just--not a swipe, just

a little dab, and that's it,

that's it.

Here's what I want to do.

Here's what I want to do.

Remember, when you were in high

school or college, your buddy

was about to get in your car,

just as he's about to get

in the car, you pull away.

"oh, take it easy."

And then you stop, like

ten feet.

"okay, I was kidding around.

Come on. Get in the car.

Whoa. Here I go again."

That's what I want to do when

the cop comes up to give me

a ticket.

No, seriously.

You've heard of high-speed

chases, slow-speed chases.

This would be like a stop-and-go

chase.

Stop-and-go chase.

That's what I want to do.

Just as he comes up to the

window, "all right, I'm gonna

have to give you..."

"see you later, buddy."

And then I stop.

"all right, I'm kidding around,

officer.

Yeah, I know that was not good.

That was not a good thing to...

Well, see you later, buddy."

I want to do that until there's,

like, ten cop cars joining the

chase.

You know, they're all getting

out of the car, "don't do it--

He's doing it again.

He's doing it again.

Back in the car, everybody.

Get back in the car."

Helicopters hovering over every

ten feet.

Live action news ten feet

at a time.

I want to do it for so long

until I have to chase him down

and beg him to give me

the ticket.

"please, please, just give me

the ticket.

Will you please just give me

the ticket?

I won't do it again. I'm s--

Whoa. See you later, officer.

See you later."

That's what I want to do.

That's what I'm gonna do.

That's what I'm gonna do.

'cause I got to have fun.

[cheers and applause]

it's all about having fun, isn't

it?

got to have a good time in life.

It's like the end of "rudy."

You know the movie "rudy?"

when they hoisted the football

player up.

He wanted to play for the team,

and he did at the end, and they

got him up on the shoulders, and

he was so happy, and just as,

you know, the movie ended, he

was like, "aah," he was happy,

and they freeze-framed it on his

face, and the credits started

rolling.

And you just knew that he was,

like, a happy guy for the rest

of his life.

No matter what happened,

you know.

"rudy, sorry, they had to put

your dog down."

"rudy, your grandmother just

died."

He was a happy guy.

He was a happy guy.

And that's all that matters.

What with the economy the way it

is.

what with the economy.

'cause you don't know what's

gonna happen.

I had to have surgery on my arm

about a year ago.

You don't plan for those things.

I tore a bicep muscle playing

basketball.

Not professionally,

just a pickup game.

By the way, have you guys ever

been to a professional

basketball game?

[cheers]

oh, right?

These guys play full court,

full court, back and forth.

[laughter]

so, when you get surgery in

los angeles, people

automatically think it's

cosmetic surgery.

They think, "oh, he's going in

to have something done.

He's gonna have something done."

You know, and a lot of people,

you know, get nose jobs, and

they blame it on a deviated

septum.

They said, "oh, no, I had to

have it done.

I had a deviated septum."

And now they're really

stretching that excuse too.

You know, like, when they get

sex changes.

"no, I had to.

I had the deviated septum.

And guess what, I can breathe a

lot better out of my penis now.

It's a lot easier."

But, I mean, everything's

cosmetic there.

Botox is everywhere.

Has botox made it here yet?

No, no, not yet?

no?

I'm actually in an acting class

in hollywood right now.

It's called "acting with botox."

It's how to get your eyes to say

what your face won't.

And I think everybody's pretty

happy in the class.

It's hard to tell, but I think

they're very happy.

I think hallmark should come out

with a card just for

los angeles.

A "look better soon" card.

You know.

I think that would sell very

well there.

I think it would.

Okay, so here's what happens.

I go to the hospital, and they

come in and they prep you.

They tell you what's gonna

happen, and the guy goes,

"would you mind walking to

the operating room?"

and I've never heard of that

before.

You know, I've watched e.r., and

they always push them in on a--

I want to say urinal, but that's

not it--gurney, on a gurney.

Um, but now the guy's asking me

if I could, you know, walk

on my own.

And I guess, what with the

economy and stuff, you know,

you gotta do that.

But I said, "that's all the help

you're getting.

I'm not gonna be handing you

tools and things like that."

But it was so surreal to be

walking to your own surgery.

You know, and I get to the

operating room, and I push open

the door, and it is freezing in

there.

I guess they keep it cold in

case you don't make it.

They don't want you stinking up

the room, you know.

No. Why else?

And I get in there, and I don't

want to look around, because

that stuff makes me queasy.

You know me, I'm not good with

that stuff.

Well, you don't know me,

but trust me, I'm not good with

that.

Why would you know me?

I don't know.

People do say that, though.

They say, "you know me."

But, no, no, we don't know you.

We don't know you.

But, anyway, I see the operating

table, and it's all lit up, and

it's got a big, white light over

the top of it, and they added

wings on to it, because they're

doing my arm, so it looked like

a crucifix, and that usually

never ends well.

From what I've read.

Anyway, you wake up, and it's

like nothing happened, except,

you know, your arm's all,

you know, in a sling.

It was a lot more complicated

than I thought it was gonna be,

or involved.

You know, I thought just a

couple stitches and a bandage,

but they had me in a sling, I'm

taking percocet, and--and I was

a little nervous, because I had

to be in philadelphia, like,

three days later.

So I call my surgeon.

I said, "is it okay to fly?

You know, I just had surgery.

With the altitude and stuff?

I don't know."

And he said, "well, good point."

He said, "there is a slight

chance of a blood clot, but no

more than the plane crashing."

Those are the same percentages

right there.

No more than the plane crashing.

He said, "you should get up--

Walk up and down the aisle,

like, every 15 minutes."

And that's a long flight.

That's like five hours.

Seven with the walking.

And...

And--so I did that, and, to be

honest with you, I didn't know

if I was doing that to keep

the plane from crashing or from

getting a blood clot.

I didn't know what the doctor

knew in this case.

And people either thought I was

a terrorist or they thought,

"yes, kevin, we saw you when you

came on the plane.

You don't have to keep walking

up and down the aisle.

We know where you're sitting.

We know where you're sitting."

But I'm telling you, you learn

so much, when you get

an operation, about the body.

You know, I didn't know that

much about muscles and stuff.

I went to see that exhibit,

the bodies--have you seen that?

With all the cadavers.

They're, like, plastified.

And they're bowling and playing

tennis, and I saw that, and I

thought, "these things are more

active than me, and they're

dead.

And they're dead."

I wonder if they had permission

to put those bodies on,

you know, display like that.

I wonder.

I mean, I'm sure none of the

relatives are saying, "well,

they're in a better place now."

Because they're not.

They're on tour.

They're staying in crappy

hotels, they're eating crap

food.

I know what they're talking

about.

But, yeah, I mean, just that--

The recovery thing.

You got to do physical therapy.

I had to go to the gym.

Would somebody please tell

the people on the treadmill with

the headsets we could hear them

farting?

They're like...

[imitates farting]

do they think the smell is

coming from the rubber that's

going around on the treadmill?

What?

I'm just glad farts aren't

contagious like yawns.

You know, when somebody yawns,

it makes you yawn.

What if when somebody farted,

"oh, now you're gonna make me

fart.

Oh, come on.

Oh, no.

You made me fart and you made me

spill the water."

Can I tell you about the time

I crop-dusted jack nicholson?

All right, we won't...

This won't be in the show.

But I'll tell you what happened.

I was...

I'd done a few films with

adam sandler, and jack nicholson

was in one of 'em,

"anger management."

And...

[cheers and applause]

so anyway we do--

The first day of rehearsal

for "anger management"

and jack nicholson is there.

And afterwards I go over to him,

'cause I want to meet him.

I can't believe it's

jack nicholson.

He's in this film with me.

And I'm very scared of him.

I don't know if I'm a fan of his

or if I'm just terrified of him.

You know.

But this is jack nicholson.

"one flew over the cuckoo's

nest," "the shining," you know

who I'm talking about.

"batman."

So--so I wait and I wait for the

right moment, and then I go over

there, and I'm so scared.

My heart is beating like crazy.

And I tap him on the shoulder.

And he turns around.

And he goes, "yeah?"

I said, "hey, jack. Hey, jack.

You've been--you've been golfing

over at lake sherwood lately?"

'cause I knew he was a member

there.

And he said, "what?"

and now I'm really scared.

And sandler's laughing behind

him, like, "hoo hoo hoo."

I said, "you been golfing over

at--up at..."

And I'm so nervous, my heart's

going a million miles an hour.

"so you been over at lake

sherwood lately?"

he said, "not since the last

time you asked me that

question."

I didn't know what he meant by

that.

Sandler's cracking up behind

him.

you know, "hoo hoo hoo."

I didn't know if he meant,

did I ask him that a year ago?

I didn't remember it?

Or is he referring to just

before when he pretended he

didn't hear what I was asking

him?

I analyzed his answer for like

a year, every day, every day.

I wonder what he meant by that.

I wonder--was he making fun of

me?

or was he...what?

Okay, so it's like a year later,

and I see him at this big

hollywood party.

Everybody was there.

It was like a hollywood wax

museum.

I'm serious.

I mean, christopher walken,

harrison ford, elizabeth taylor

was there, princess leia,

george lucas, al pacino,

harrison ford.

Christopher walken was there.

Al pacino, elizabeth taylor was

even there, princess leia,

george lucas, al pacino.

And I see jack nicholson

in the middle of the room.

I go, oh, my god.

This is my chance to redeem

myself and reintroduce myself.

And I'm waiting, I'm waiting for

the right window to go over

there,

I would be a good assassin.

Because I know when the window

is, and I wait, and I wait.

And finally I went over there.

I was passing walken.

I don't care. Pacino.

I don't care. Leia.

I don't know--no.

And then I get up to him, and I

tap him on the shoulder, heart

beating, he turns around, I go,

"hey, jack, you been golfing

over at lake sherwood lately?"

and right then, al pacino tapped

him on the shoulder, nicholson

turned his back to me and

totally snubbed me to talk to

al pacino and just stood that

way, so I was, like, standing

behind jack nicholson, looking

at his back.

It looked like I was waiting in

line to talk to al pacino.

But I wasn't.

I didn't care about al pacino.

But I couldn't believe he

snubbed me like that.

It was so embarrassing.

And, you know what, I must have

had something to eat that day

that didn't agree with me, and

right then I crop-dusted

jack nicholson.

I crop-dusted him good.

I mean, up and down the back

and I think al pacino caught

some of the fallout from it.

I didn't care.

And I got out of there, 'cause

it was not gonna be good.

And I'm passing walken,

you know, harrison ford,

princess leia, I don't care,

I don't care, I don't care.

I go back to my starting

position.

And I'm--you know, I'm scared

about what's gonna happen now.

I felt like I've just, you know,

did a big crime.

And he's talking to pacino, and

then all of a sudden he stops,

and he goes, "jesus christ,

what the hell died in here?"

and I thought, "that's the last

time he ever snubs me."

That's right.

[cheers and applause]

not only did I meet him, but I

got inside of jack nicholson.

The other celebrity I

crop-dusted was

arnold schwarzenegger.

Yeah, I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care.

What happened was dana carvey

and I used to make fun of arnold

on "saturday night live" as hans

and franz, the bodybuilders.

Yeah, that's right.

[cheers and applause]

that was fun.

And we heard one day he wanted

to come on and be on the show

with us.

And carvey and I looked at each

other like, doesn't he know that

we're making fun of him?

Doesn't he know that?

And then we figured he's coming

on the show to kill us.

That's the only thing we could

figure.

And the day came, and they got

us on the set, they said,

"arnold's here.

He wants to talk to you,"

and then they ran away really

quickly.

And we were like two kids going

to the principal's office.

We were blaming each other.

"you came up with it."

"no, I didn't. You did.

You wanted to do the gap between

the teeth.

I said no gap, no austrian

accent.

That's too dead on."

And we get to the dressing room,

and maria shriver, who was his

wife at the time, was waiting

outside and watching us like...

And it's weird, 'cause we were

walking that way, you know.

And we go inside the dressing

room, and it is full of cigar

smoke.

We could barely breathe.

We could barely see him across

the room.

He was sitting in a little

chair.

But--in one hand he had

the cigar, and in the other hand

he had the script that we wrote

for him, and he looks up through

the cigar smoke to us, he goes,

"hello, fellas.

Now how am I supposed to do

the accent?"

so right then we knew he had a

sense of humor and--but we could

barely breathe in there, and we

thought it was so disrespectful

for him to be smoking like that,

carvey and I both tag-teamed him

with a crop-dusting.

We taught him a lesson.

We taught him a lesson.

That's what--that's what we had

to do, what with the economy

the way it is.

We had a good time.

I'm not afraid of anything

anymore after that.

I mean, really, once you do

that--once you crop-dust

someone, you know, it takes away

a lot of fear in life.

I mean, I used to be afraid of

sharks, but not anymore.

I'm not afraid--i'm not afraid--

Well, actually, you know what,

I take that back.

I'm afraid of chimps.

Chimpanzees.

I mean, have you been reading

about these horrific chimp

attacks?

I'm not talking about the cute,

little chimpanzees with

the sweater vests and

the suspenders.

I'm talking about the big,

strength-of-four-grown-men

chimpanzees.

And I don't know how they

measure that, four grown men.

Maybe they started with one

grown man.

You know, "hey, get in the cage

with that chimp.

See who's stronger.

Let's see who's stronger.

Whoa. Whoa.

Okay, two grown men, hurry up.

Two grown men, two grown men."

You know, until they get to

four.

And it cost six lives for that

study, six lives.

I hope they wrote it down.

I hope they have it written down

somewhere.

But, yeah, these chimps--and

call them chimps, not panzees.

They don't like that.

But they rip your face off, and

then they go for the crotch.

They--that's their m.o.

It's in chimp 101 handbook.

That's what they do.

They get your jaw out so you

can't bite them, and then they

go for the crotch.

I guess so you can't sex them

or something.

I don't know what they're

thinking.

But, yeah, it is not good.

So, now, when I go swimming in

the ocean, I have to watch out

for sharks and chimpanzees.

I don't want to be too close to

the shore where the chimp can

reach in and pull me out.

But I don't want to be too far

out where the sharks are.

Or, worse yet, further out where

the somalian pirates are.

You see, for me, when I stand

in front of the ocean, there's

different spheres of fear for

me.

it's the chimp, shark, somalian

pirates, and north korea,

further out, north korea.

Different spheres of fear.

But let me tell you something.

At least with a shark attack,

it's quick.

You know, it just pulls you

down, there's no drama.

"hey, w--"

that's all your friends are

gonna hear, if that.

They're like, "where's kevin?"

"i don't know.

I think he's at the snack bar.

Throw me the frisbee, jack."

But, with a chimpanzee attack,

can you imagine the horror?

It probably sneaks up behind you

on that little tricycle.

Then at the last minute the horn

on the handlebar...

[imitates a horn]

then boom, face, crotch.

And then they fling the feces

at you.

That's how they tie it all up.

They fling the feces at you.

And, if that doesn't do it, they

back over you with that tricycle

a couple of times, you know.

And you can't play dead with a

chimpanzee 'cause they see right

through that.

They just get angry, 'cause

you're a bad actor.

"that's not dead.

I'll show you dead."

But who do you play dead with?

You know--I guess bears.

Bears--but for how long?

How long when they're batting

you against the rock like

a salmon.

When do you finally go, "okay,

already, I'm not dead.

All right. Take it easy."

You don't play dead with

a vulture.

'cause that's what they want.

They want you dead.

They'll be pecking at your face

and ripping pieces of meat off.

They don't care.

You don't play dead with

a possum, that's for sure.

You'd--waste of time.

You'll both be out on the

street.

"you're dead? I'm dead too.

Yeah, we're both dead.

Oh, oh, I saw you move your

tail.

I saw you move your tail.

You're not dead.

You're not dead."

And some animals they say make

yourself look big.

You know, size-wise.

Not important-wise, like, "hey,

don't you know who I am?

You don't know who I am?

I could have your job.

I could have your job.

Don't you understand that?"

so, yeah, that's all scary.

Those are close calls right

there.

I've had a few close calls with

death.

I really have.

I was carjacked about a month

and a half ago now.

And I had a rental car.

And sometimes I do the most

foolish things.

The guy gets into the car with

me and tried to carjack me,

and I said to him, I said,

"you don't understand.

I have a deal with hertz that

I would be the only driver."

I said, "if you want the car,

I could take you back to hertz

rental, and we could sign you up

as an additional

driver/carjacker."

But he--he said it seemed like

too much work, and I agreed with

him, and he left.

But I've had some close calls.

I almost--I got to tell you

this.

This is a story that, I mean,

I thought I was a goner.

I had this thing once that--

I don't know if you've ever had

it, I hope you haven't--it's

something called constipation.

It is the worst feeling in the

world.

It is horrible.

I can't even explain to you,

you know, what--how bad it is.

It's like you're imploding.

And I was home alone at

the time.

I was landlocked in the

bathroom.

In the bathroom.

And I had no one to call.

All my friends were out of town.

And I--the only person I could

call was this girl that I just

started dating, like, two weeks

earlier, and she was 18 years

younger than me, and I didn't

want to call her, but I had

no choice.

I really thought this was it for

me.

and I called, I said, "would you

please run to the pharmacy and

get me this thing called a fleet

enema?"

and I knew about this, 'cause

15 years earlier, I was in the

same situation, different woman.

But, you know, it's a good way

to kick off a relationship,

you know.

But she was very nice.

She goes, "oh, sure, sure.

I'm so sorry. Yeah."

And she took off, and I'm

calling her every five minutes,

"where are you now?

Where are you now?"

'cause I'm dying.

You know, I didn't think she was

gonna make it.

I'm sweating.

She goes, "i'm coming up

highland."

I said, "okay, hurry up, but be

careful."

I didn't care if she was

careful.

You know, I just wanted to sound

good.

I wanted to sound good.

And it's hard to sound good

when you're constipated.

You have a very small window.

And--and finally she came

running up the stairs, and she

took it out of the bag, and it

was a fleet suppository.

I was so angry, I said, "that's

a suppository.

I said an enema.

E-n-e-m-a. Enema.

Not a suppository.

S-u..."

I said, "you got to go back.

You got to go back."

'cause a suppository, I don't

know if you know, it looks like

a big vitamin e.

You can't push that into loose

sand, never mind a brick wall.

I don't care if you strap it to

a jackhammer, it's not gonna go

through there.

It's not going through.

And--but I was so angry at her,

I was yelling at her, but I was

desperate.

You know me.

[laughter]

and she left, and I'm calling

her again, I said, "where are

you now?

Where are you now?"

she goes, "i'm still running

down the stairs.

Give me a chance to get out of

the house."

I said, "okay, hurry up, but be

careful."

I didn't care. I didn't care.

And now I'm prepping the room

in case by some miracle she does

make it back.

I'm spreading towels down

on the floor.

I was like a dog getting ready

to deliver puppies.

I really was.

I was prepping the room like

dexter does before a kill.

I was taping up plastic

everywhere.

And I'm laying on my side

in the fetal position.

I'm assuming the fetal position.

You can never actually do it.

You have to assume it, you know.

'cause I remember the box said

to assume the fetal position.

So I'm laying naked with my hand

to the door so that, when she

comes in, there's no wasted

time.

No wasted time.

And she just puts it in my hand

like a baton and I get busy with

it.

and I'm laying on my side, I

have the phone under my head

like this, "where are you now?

Where are you now?"

I thought it was the phone.

Turned out it was a bar of soap.

You know, I was wondering why my

eye was burning so much, what

with the economy.

And...

I'm holding my hand there, and

finally I hear her coming up the

stairs, and I was so excited,

and I was in and out of

consciousness.

And she opens up the door,

and she takes it out of the bag,

and the thing glowed like

a holy grail.

It glowed.

And I took it, and she goes, "do

you want me to wait in here?"

I said, "no, get out. Get out."

I was desperate. You know me.

And, um...

Now if any package should be

easy to open up, it should be

a fleet enema package.

I'm telling you, this should not

be shrink-wrapped like a dvd.

It should at least have a zipper

on the side or an eject button.

You know, cha-pow-ping, all

right, yeah.

But anyway I finally got it out,

and traffic picked up

eventually, but I was...

After that, I was so embarrassed

when I came to my senses that

she saw, I mean, literally, that

side of me, and I didn't know

what to tell her when I saw her.

She was waiting out there by

the stairs.

And I thought, "maybe I could

tell her it was a deviated

septum."

Then I thought, "no, no."

And then I very rarely do this.

I prayed.

I said, "god, please make her

fall down the stairs and hit her

head so she doesn't remember

what happened."

I thought, "no, no, I'm gonna

save that."

Anyway, I married her, 'cause I

didn't want her to tell anybody

what happened.

Thank you very much, everybody.

Thanks for coming tonight.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.