Original subtitles

Oh, my God.

Stop!

You know, the more I see it, the more I like Greek architecture.

Me too.

Hi, Steve.

Kali Spera, Kupamu.

Why?

Stevie!

Hello, sorry, say.

Hello, sirika, Nico.

When did you get that from Hawaii?

Last night.

Ah, you look good, Stevie.

I think pineapple just agrees with you.

Well, it's all right, I guess, if you're a baked hand.

You like the new act?

It's not bad.

Like looking in the window of a washing machine.

What's her name?

Happy.

Happy Doman.

Just send her over later?

Yeah, sure.

Maybe she can show me a new way to stir my coffee.

I can't give you the regular cake.

Tony Dallas is having an engagement party.

Which girl?

Cha-Cha Miller.

You know, the stripper in his nightclub.

Nice kid underneath.

Hiya, cha-cha.

Hello, Steve.

You know my boyfriend, Tony Dallas?

We're getting married.

Cali epitihia, lavendi.

Acaristo.

Oh, long playing, I see.

What do you like to drink, Stevie?

What else? An uso.

Give a man a mountain and he wants a molehill.

How are things in Hawaii?

Oh, jumping.

They're cutting up land and selling it like it was cheesecake.

You did pretty good, eh?

Well, I bought 200 acres at 2,000 an acre, sold 100 for 3,000 an acre, one for 4,

000, and another for 5,000.

You only had 200 acres to begin with.

Yeah, well, the tide was out.

I think it's time for you to retire.

You're running out of business.

I can't retire as long as there's any unattached money lying around.

Hey.

Why don't you make another one of your special movies?

Oh, the public's had it with caterpillar invasions and melting icebergs drowning

the earth.

No, Nick, I'm after something big.

I'll know it when I see it.

Excuse me, Stevie.

I have a customer.

I'll bring over the drink.

Don't forget to bring over the cement mixer.

Who's that Greek?

Him? Steve Blair. He isn't Greek.

Park is Greek.

He was shot down over one of the Greek islands during the war.

Stayed there 18 months. Sweet guy.

Mmm.

Tender.

Tender.

You've never seen one like mine, Louie.

How about it, boys?

Gorgeous?

Gorgeous!

It's a real picture.

Religious stuff.

It's all about Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, dear.

Got a snake in it, in the apple tree.

And a guy with a beard looking down from a cloud.

Tell him why you bought it, dear.

The woman in it looks just like Cha-Cha.

I gave it to her as an engagement present.

We got it hanging over our bed.

You know the story, don't you, Louie?

Yeah.

Everybody knows the story about Adam and Eve.

It was one of the first things they read to us in the reformatory.

You know, my mother's got a book with pictures of the whole thing.

I was crazy about that story.

I wonder how come nobody never made no movie out of it.

A picture like that would clean up.

Everybody's always screaming for more family pictures.

What's the matter with Adam and Eve for the kids?

Besides, you get a free ride on a costume.

With a couple of fig leaves if maybe they're going out formal.

If you had to sell submerged real estate, why did you do it to the Hawaiians?

They just joined the union.

They're going to have to learn to take their chances along with the other 49 states.

So, what are you going to do now?

Kid, I'm closing in on a blockbuster.

But before I go into it, how about a drink?

No, no, I'm strictly off the stuff, Steve.

Since when?

It was last Monday.

But this is Friday.

Now, look, you can overdo a thing.

No, this time it's for real.

It's getting to be ridiculous.

Three drinks and I'm a pigeon, and you know that better than anybody else.

Now, wait a second, kid.

Any writing you did for me, you did of your own free and sober will.

All the junk I wrote for you, I agreed to do after the third slug.

My three marriages, time I was converted to Buddhism, volunteering to go to New

Guinea with the Peace Corps, all three drink decisions.

Even that, whatever you want to call it, that I'm writing now.

Tell you what, Doc, let's take a stick of dynamite, paint it yellow so it'll look

like a carrot, then when he takes a button...

Say, what is this?

A Bugs Bunny cartoon.

On only three drinks?

From now on, nobody is talking me into anything.

At least give me a listen, kid.

No.

This idea is so staggering, so completely, so overwhelmingly...

You must have a drink stashed around here someplace, I can feel the vibrations.

I just had cold running water put in, help yourself.

You've got a bottle, now admit it.

You're not a bottle, now be a bottle.

There's a bottle of water, now.

But I'm going to be a bottle of water, now you can tell.

You know, I have a bottle of water.

I'll be able to get it.

Thank you.

I'm going back in the picture business.

I thought you were through with pictures after the spiders ate up all the babies.

Oh, I'm talking about an epic.

One that will take its place with the greatest.

Adam and Eve.

You doing Adam and Eve?

That's like sending for a drunken plumber to perform brain surgery.

I know it's touchy, but it's the greatest love story of all time, and I'm going to

do it with taste and feeling.

This is the recorded voice of your conscience speaking.

You have now reached the third plateau in your pursuit of the bottle.

Before you proceed to the next and final operation, pause and ponder.

Are you looking for the gutter?

Do you want to walk the path of the stumbling, mumbling, bleary-eyed, twitching,

sniveling, reeking, flea-bitten, crimson- faced, bloodshot, whining…

Oh, kid, get a drink before I give up alcohol.

…a grappling, drunken mess?

If that's your decision, Paul Ferris, call Irving at 753-3098 and ask him where he

hid it.

What number is that?

It's 753-3098.

So, kid, what do you think of the idea?

I think you're tilting your head.

I'll double your last salary.

You never paid my last salary.

Hello, Irving?

Hi.

This is Paul.

Where did you hide it?

No, this isn't for me.

No, I really have a visitor here.

Let me prove it to you.

Jesus.

Help!

No, that wasn't me.

Honestly.

No, really, I couldn't even look at a bottle after listening to that recording.

Thank you, Irving.

If not in the potted plant, where else?

I'll give you triple your last salary.

No, Steve, it's not the money, really, believe me.

Writing about vampires and giant bats with fluorescent eyes is one thing, because

I've seen them.

But the Bible is...

Kid, it's all there.

All you have to do is dramatize it.

Get yourself another boy.

Not even if I cut you in for a piece of the action?

You'll be rich, kid.

Why, we can clear 50 million with two.

Well, where are you going to get the two?

You know, there's a shortage of feeble- minded backers.

Well, suppose I told you that I had a backer practically locked in.

Yeah? Like who?

Like Tony Dallas.

Tony Dallas?

Backing Adam and Eve?

He doesn't know it yet, but he's going to.

Oh, this is really ginger peachy.

The king of the horror movies, making a Bible picture with money from America's

number one herd.

You're going to wind up with a hole in your head big enough to take in Pigeon.

Okay, kid. Just thought I'd ask.

Far be it from me to make you write a picture you don't want to write.

Yeah, kid.

I promise you won't let me take more than one.

It's going to be one of the greatest pictures ever made.

You remember Birth of a Nation, Gone with the Wind, the jazz singer.

Look, I got troubles of my own. What do I need with the picture business?

Just listen to the story, Tony. That's all.

All right, Paul, go ahead.

The name of the movie is Genesis.

Who's she?

Genesis means the beginning.

The story of Adam and Eve.

Adam and Eve? I know that story.

I got a painting of it over my bed.

It cost me 25 grand.

No, how about that for a coincidence?

Go ahead, kid.

You know, it's funny.

I was only saying a couple of weeks ago to somebody.

How come nobody ever made a picture of that story?

You guys were there.

Right!

The picture starts with the entire screen dark.

Then a deep, rich voice says, "This is the beginning."

There is no sun, no moon, no song of the nightingale, no dew on the blossom, only

darkness, emptiness, silence.

Suddenly, the screen explodes in a shower of purples, reds, and gold.

It starts spinning, and then there is lightning and thunder until finally the whole

screen erupts into one big, angry mass of roaring flames.

Hold it. How long is all this going to take?

About four minutes.

When I go to the movies, if I don't see any fighting, loving, or chasing in the

first two minutes, I go home.

No, we can shorten that, Tony.

Look, kid, don't read the whole script.

Just give Tony the highlights.

All I want to know is who's going to do what, how, and how long it'll take.

Well, um...

The scene opens with Adam chasing Eve through the Garden of Eden.

They're both only wearing a fig leaf.

Richard.

Richard.

Adam catches up with her under a big apple tree, but these aren't ordinary apples.

One bite, and you're flying.

This is the forbidden fruit.

Tony, this is where we bring in the heavy hitter, the snake.

He's an apple pusher.

Yeah.

And he says to Eve, "How would you like a Macintosh, gorgeous?"

He's trying to get her hooked.

Exactly, that's just what he does.

The poor kid finally gets into apples, and she can't quit.

Witcher.

Witcher!

And so, with the voices of 200 choir boys in the background, the picture slowly

fades.

And instead of the end, it says the beginning.

Well, I like everything except the beginning at the end.

How will they know when it's time to go home?

Good thinking. Cut that, Paul.

Well, Tony, what do you think?

I like it.

A picture like that could get millions of people reading the Bible who've never

read it before.

Yeah.

And many people who have read it before will take another look.

Now, who will direct and what's the budget?

I'm not taking any chances. I'm directing it.

Let's see. I'd say two million, roughly.

How about one million?

No, it's impossible, Tony.

Do you know how much a film like this would cost at a major studio?

Ten million. We're eight million ahead already.

Well, that's not bad for a start, I guess.

When can you begin?

May 1st.

I have a trial on May 1st.

How long will it take?

Who knows?

Iron Head Gus had a lot of enemies, so when he was killed, they blamed me.

I sent $5,000 worth of flowers to his funeral, bought at retail price.

Anyone who knows me knows I don't buy retail for someone I had killed.

Of course.

Even if I wanted to cause him trouble, I couldn't have done it.

He was married to my second cousin.

Everyone who knows me knows we don't harm family members.

Huh?

Well, never mind.

We need to arrange for Uncle Harry to take the blame.

Your uncle?

No, no.

Just call him uncle because we like him.

Well, count me in, Blair.

Hello, dear. Oh, hello, Steve. Stanley, put the purchases on the Louis XV and leave.

Dear, I'm waiting to see the wedding dress I ordered. It's so elegant. Everything

is covered. The top is all lace. But I couldn't decide between ivory or pink satin

under the lace. What do you think?

I don't have an opinion. You're right, dear. I won't wear anything under the lace.

Just me. Leave. I'm busy. And wait till you see the train. It's 14 yards of

imported lace. Now, get out of here. Sure, dear.

Uh, Tony, just one small thing.

You provided all the funds, but I'm the producer and director.

All final decisions are up to me. After all, it's my show.

Everyone has their own way of doing things, as I always say.

In the film industry, you're someone important, but I'm just a nobody.

Are we going to let someone take orders from a nobody when someone knows nobody

knows as much as someone else?

Would you mind repeating that question, Chief?

The answer is correct!

Correct!

Blair is in charge, and he gives the orders.

Now, Blair, here's the first order you're going to give.

Cha-cha will play Eve. Right?

Right!

Do you have any more orders, Blair?

Actually, yes, I'd like to order a drink.

Do we have to do this scene again?

Again.

And again, and again.

Now, the snake is trying to convince you that it's okay to eat the apple.

It's the most dramatic moment of the whole film.

But just try to say your lines with conviction.

Conviction?

Have you ever tried talking to a snake?

Plenty.

All right, let's take it from the snake's last line.

All right, quiet, everybody.

Roll them.

Snake ready?

All right, action.

To eat the apple, O Eve, it will give you eternal beauty.

But beauty is not everlasting.

It fades with the blush of the rose.

It's beauty of soul I am seeking.

Oh, Cha-Cha!

Honey!

You're supposed to be in the Garden of Eden, not on a runway.

Now what's wrong?

You don't walk all in one piece.

Maybe it's because I wasn't made in one piece.

Look, sweetheart, you're supposed to be the first woman, the perfect woman,

beautiful, noble, sensitive.

Look, Mr. Producer, Director, if there's one thing I don't need, it's walking

lessons.

I'm going to do what I've been doing all my life, aim my nose and let the rest

follow the best it can.

Ten minutes, everyone.

Doesn't she get to you?

A little lower.

Boy, I can hardly wait for the next scene when she's supposed to dance in front of

the snake.

Why don't we get a real-life boa constrictor?

Let him get a belly full, too.

Mr. Blair?

Yeah, yeah.

I just called Cha-Cha for the next scene and she refuses to come out of her

dressing room.

Fine. Nail the door shut before she changes her mind.

She says she's sick.

We're all sick.

I mean, really sick.

We sent for a doctor.

All right, all right.

Well, I'm going to give it one more shake.

If she doesn't improve, I'm getting a new Eve.

What about Tony?

I'm not worried about Tony.

I've had enough crises in my life to support my own UN.

But I'm like a cat.

No matter how you drop me, I always land on my feet.

If Tony drops you, you'll land on your feet all right in cement.

I've known a lot of Tonys in my lifetime, kid.

Back in '44, I bailed out over a small Greek island right smack into the middle of

two battalions of Tonys, dressed like Nazis.

They didn't shake me, neither does this one.

Well, what seems to be the trouble?

This little lady is allergic to apples.

Didn't you know you couldn't eat apples?

I forgot.

What kind of fruit can you eat?

Cantaloupes.

I'm not going to have Eve eating cantaloupes.

What else can you eat?

I never broke out from plums.

Boys, get a half a dozen crates of plums.

Tony, I'd like to talk to you in my office.

Talk about it right here.

What's on your mind?

Another Eve.

Oh?

This one just hasn't got it, Tony.

Suppose you tell me what Eve had that this one hasn't got.

Well, this one's got everything that Eve had except it's covered with a rash.

She can't walk.

She can't act.

Tony, I'm telling you this is a friend, not as a producer.

I'm telling you this is Tony Dallas, not a friend.

Cha-Cha stays in the picture even if she has to eat cabbages.

Right, boys?

Right!

Just singing along with Mitch.

That's the biggest stinker I've ever seen in my whole life.

I should have stuck with the apples.

I look better broken out.

Those two creeps don't even have the guts to show up.

They took you, Tony.

They took you, but good.

I'll never forgive them for what they did to that story.

Any guy that can take a sweet kid like Eve,

They can come out like a stripper.

You can kiss your two million goodbye.

They won't even show that in a drive-in during a blizzard.

I'll get my two million back.

Don't you worry about that.

Boys, spread out and bring them in.

Can we knuckle them up a little bit, Tony?

We'll be careful, boys.

You always say careful, but you never leave anything for me.

Okay, you can knuckle up the writer.

But Blair, I want all for myself.

Trading stamps.

Kid, do you realize that's a $100 million business in the States and the Europeans

haven't even heard of it yet?

Steve, could I see that book?

Yeah, page 37. Read the breakdown, kid.

That was my life's work, kid.

Well, I don't intend to make it mine.

We've got five killers on our backs.

We've just missed spending the rest of our lives in jail.

That's enough for the first edition.

Thank you.

Only have about $10,000 left.

No telling how long that will last.

Well, Steve, if people do something in situations like this, you may have heard of

it.

It's called work.

Well, if they ever find something better than coffee, I might give it a try.

Would you kindly sit on this seat?

Oh, sorry, Dad.

Oh, sorry, Dad.

I'd like to read that book when you're finished, Dad.

I wouldn't recommend it.

There are some two-syllable words in it.

The name is Krumvitz, Professor Krumvitz.

Well, if you want to know anything about the island of Barathos, you ask me.

I was stuck on that island for 18 months during the war.

And believe me, they don't call it the island of love for nothing.

Thanks to the idiot who wrote the book, that article is no longer valid.

Oh?

For 3,000 years, it remained a sacred island, dedicated to Eros and Dionysus.

Then along comes this little professor.

And in 485 pages of the most stupid, inconclusive drivel, it repudiates the entire

story.

On what grounds?

Because no one has ever found a temple of love or any offerings.

Island of love?

You know, I never realized how much I missed that little island.

I dream of her beauty. I walk by her side.

Yes?

I'm interested in offerings to Eris and Dionysus.

They are very scarce and expensive.

I have nothing myself, but a friend, another dealer, might have something.

I'll call him.

I haven't asked any questions since that day on the boat.

You've been a brick.

I've been stoned.

So what's going on?

This time I'm playing for all the marbles, kid.

I'm picking up where the ancient Greeks left off 3,000 years ago.

I'm going to turn Parathasos into the love capital of the world.

I'm sorry I asked.

I'm putting love on a pedestal, kid.

I'm telling the world that this is the shrine where the ancient Greeks,

connoisseurs of beauty and culture, worshipped their gods of love.

Come on, everybody!

Come here and worship yours, too.

Where do you come in?

That is, if the police don't arrive first.

Me?

I don't expect anything for my trouble except a few crumbs.

Hotels, restaurants, nightclubs, guided tours.

And of course, the exclusive rights to all commercial tie-ins.

And of course.

How are you going to get around that professor's book?

Pappas.

I've read that book four times.

He offers opinions, not reasons.

I'm going along with our professor, Krumwitz.

I'm getting a very fine Dordogon gold.

It's perfect, except for a small chip on the bottom.

$400.

I'll take it.

It will be delivered tomorrow.

If I can't come, I'll send for it.

Thank you.

Signore me.

Hey, hey, where are you going?

I want to tell someone that I love her.

You're drunk, kid.

Let me cue you in on something before you wind up with a throat full of teeth.

Greeks take their women very, very seriously.

So don't mess around, will you?

So why don't you go back to the hotel and sleep it off? I think I saw a Dodona goat

in that window.

You're gonna wind up with a throat full of teeth, kid. Believe me, I'm only

arrested in goats. All right, but the next one is mine, and don't you guys forget

it.

I'll help you, sir. I'm just looking. Thank you.

Do you know that girl? She works at the museum and comes in very often to buy, but

only if the price is right. Is there anything special you had in mind? Yes, uh,

offerings to Eros and Dionysus. Sorry, I have nothing at the moment.

Dr. Diamo.

Captain Steve Blair is a great man, like George Washington, President Roosevelt and

Abraham Lincoln.

He's a brave hero, and he owns New York and Brooklyn.

When I grow up, Captain Blair's going to give me New York.

That's unbelievable. I'm speechless.

You're speechless. That is unbelievable.

The last time I saw you...

It was 17 years.

How could anything grow so beautiful in just 17 years?

That dirty-faced little ragamuffin who used to bring me my food down in the

basement.

And in return received English lessons.

I found out later that some of those words were not even in the language.

Well, Ellen, I promised you I'd come back.

Oh, you promised a lot of things, and not only to me.

Hey, how could you know?

You were just a little girl.

Even a little girl in love can be very jealous.

How's Mama?

She's well.

She's still on Parade Sos, and I visit her weekends.

You will come with me on Friday night?

Oh, she will be so excited.

Steve, I'm so happy to see you again.

17 years.

What have I been doing for 17 years?

I'm almost afraid to ask the next question.

You afraid?

Impossible.

Are you married?

No.

Engaged?

No, but I have an understanding.

In Greece, that comes first.

He's a professor at a museum.

You're going to marry some old professor?

No, he's younger than you are.

Yeah, but who marries a professor?

We met when he visited Paravisos to write a book.

Nature only asked me to work for him at the museum in Athens.

Well, when is this thing supposed to happen?

As soon as he receives a promotion and a raise.

Perhaps if he makes money, we will marry sooner.

You know, I hope his book flops and he gets demoted and has to take a cut in salary.

Oh, you do not mean that.

Say, what's this book about anyway?

How to wrap mummies for fun and profit?

I'm sure you have not heard of it.

It is for archaeologists.

It is called The Myth of Paravisos.

You're going to marry Professor Pappas?

How did you know his name?

I read the book.

You?

Four times.

Somebody gave it to me on the boat.

Gregor will be pleased.

He worked so hard on that book, but it was not very popular on Parathesis.

It has taken away what little prosperity we had.

But let us talk about something else.

I'm sure you have other things on your mind besides a book about Parathesis.

I have now.

Every place I went, this kid was right behind me. I did not want anyone to steal

you. If I stopped to talk to a girl, she'd run up, throw her arms around me, and

call me by some Greek nickname.

Patarouli, say what that word means anyway, daddy?

No wonder I never got to first base. We can laugh now, but it was not so amusing

with two battalions of Nazis here. I don't like to think what would have happened

to Mama and Elena had they discovered you hiding in the house. You were very brave,

Mama, brave Elena. And I wanted a man around the house, even if we had to keep him

in the cellar. Well, Mama, you'll soon have a man in the house, but not in the

cellar.

You must excuse my cousin Paul. I do not think she has seen many real live

Americans. She's from an isolated island. It's all right.

She thinks you're very handsome, like one she has seen in the movies. Well, I made

a training film once in the army, but it didn't show very much of my face.

Why don't you all go inside and be comfortable while Ellen and I clear the table?

Steve, what does it mean in Greece when a girl rubs your ankle?

Well, it probably means she has an itch.

An itch for what?

Oh, now, you don't think that sweet little kid has any ideas.

I just don't like aggressive women, that's all.

Well, neither do I, especially in Greece.

One wrong word and you're picking rice out of your ears.

But you don't have to worry about this one.

Elena tells me you have read my book.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Well, not being an archaeologist, I'm hardly a judge.

What did you think of the book, Father?

I feel it was premature.

Since much of the island has not been fully explored.

Andropolis the tavern keeper does considerable diving offshore and he speaks of

areas that are still untouched.

This tavern keeper.

He dabbles in archaeology?

I'm quite an authority.

Water.

Water.

Water.

Very good.

Sky?

Sky.

Perfect.

Good heavens! What did I say?

Steve, there's no such word.

First half on the balcony, all I said was Moon.

She slapped a pair of lips on me like an oxygen mask.

Miranda?

Yeah.

You're hysterical.

She probably just brushed by you accidentally.

I may be the all-American schnook, but I know the difference between being brushed

and vacuumed.

In the excitement, I forgot to tell you that we are expecting another visitor from

America, perhaps in two or three months.

My only brother. I have not seen him since he was a child.

He's going to be made soon, and he's promised to visit on his honeymoon.

Well, that's something to look forward to.

I hope you stay long enough to see him.

Double-check Reno, Las Vegas.

Nothing, huh?

Okay. Get down to Miami Beach quickly. They're having the Miss America contest, and

Lara's probably shopping there now.

Yeah.

Listen, make a note. Get more pins.

How old were you in this picture, dear?

I was nine and a half years old.

Why did you look so sad?

I was working 14 hours a day, picking figs.

The other 10 hours, I was sick from eating them.

Are you going to take me to Greece on our honeymoon, dear?

Yeah, I'm thinking about it.

You told your sister you were coming.

That was before I had other worries.

Can't we at least get married now and have the honeymoon later?

Will you get off my back? That's all I've heard from you for the last three months.

Marry, marry, marry.

Three months is a long time.

We'll get married when I'm ready.

How about when I'm ready?

I said when I'm ready.

Maybe I should tell you how good and ready I am.

Knock it off.

Nothing in Denver.

Okay. Head back to California.

I heard on the radio that someone took a little old lady in Pasadena for $400,000.

Sounds like Blair.

Honey, yeah. Now, what do you like about children? I like children. Do you like

lots of children? I like lots of children. How many do you think we ought to have?

24. Good. Now we only have 23 more to go. The travel agent says it's a terrific

tour to all the Greek islands. The next one starts in four weeks. It goes to all

the little islands, even the place where you were born, Paradiso. Did you know that

Paradiso was once the island of love? Maybe that's why you're so sexy. Oh, wouldn't

it be wonderful if the baby was born in the same place you were? Oh, I hope it's a

boy, but he won't be a gigolo.

Would you mind calling back?

Mr. Dallas is bleeding.

I'm afraid you'll have to wait.

Mr. and Mrs. Tony Dallas and family are planning a Greek honeymoon.

Well, for a guy who doesn't know much about antiquities, you did pretty good.

You only got three fakes.

I have a few more boxes at the hotel.

Same kind of stuff?

Yeah, same kind of stuff.

Eros.

Dionysus.

How come you're so into the Greek rat pack?

I'll get to that.

Yummy, do you know the name of a good Greek lawyer?

Oh, I know good and bad. It depends on the crime.

It hasn't been committed yet.

All right. Let me know when you're ready.

Give me another drink.

Well, suppose, just for argument's sake, you went diving and found some of these

things.

What would Professor Pappas say?

Oh, he wouldn't say anything. He'd have a stroke.

In other words, it could prove this is the island of love.

Sure. None of this was made on Paradiso.

It would have to be brought here from Greece as offerings to the gods of love.

Maybe Pappas never found anything because he never looked in the right spot.

Who knows the right spot?

You might know.

You made it the right spot.

That would help business.

Might even need to knock out walls for all the tourists.

Archaeologists.

I think I know the lawyer you mean.

How soon can you start?

Give me a couple of days.

I need to get more of the stuff first.

You buy what you need.

There's a dealer in Athens named Hadzidakis.

He's holding a Dodona goat for me.

You better pick that up.

Wait, you?

If I'm buying this stuff, then my pizza will be in the paper for finding it.

Someone will start putting two and two together.

See what I mean?

Well, that leaves me out, too.

Besides, I don't dive.

Did he do any buying?

He came into a couple of shops with me, but I don't think anyone saw him.

Did he die?

He dies.

It's impossible he found this goat in these waters.

It's a Dodona goat.

No one has ever found a Dionysian offering in this area.

I don't know why I came out here in the first place.

This entire mission is ridiculous.

Archaeology is your business, Professor.

All I know is I saw him bring that goat up, and he was diving just about here in

about 20 feet of water.

Well, we might as well get it over with.

Incredible. This is from Sybaris.

We know they went to Sparta and established a colony in Paestum, but there is no

record they ever came here.

Come, let's go right back. You coming, Ferris?

No, he'll be along in a minute.

Incredible. Absolutely incredible.

Never has a Dorian peace been brought up from these waters.

Professor, I tell you how I figure it out.

They must have come through here with the boats loaded with offering.

Then, get there out.

Gregor, look!

Cretan, from Vassiliki.

If only I had not been so positive.

Of course, these things might have been placed here by the early Romans to

perpetuate the vicious lies that our ancestors worshipped at the shrine to sex.

I feel it's our duty as patriotic Greeks to return these things to their watery

graves and silence once and for all our detractors.

Gregor, you have not the right.

I do it to preserve the good name of Greece.

I do it to preserve the good name of Greece.

I do it to preserve the good name of Greece.

Now, here we have the Temple of Love.

I'm reproducing it in authentic detail.

Three million bucks.

Now, this is the theater of love.

I'm bringing experts from all over the world to give lectures.

Illustrate it.

See if you can think up a good name for this place, will you?

How about Aristotle's Hothouse?

Not bad.

Now, this is the Honeymoon Hotel.

900 rooms with heart-shaped beds, perfumed bedsheets, and telephones that play soft

music instead of ringing.

What kind of music comes out of the garbage disposal?

Uh-uh-uh. No kitchens, kid.

If they want to eat, let them go to Miami Beach.

Steve?

Yeah, kid?

What's your cutout of all this?

25% of the net.

And I keep the books.

Well, how decent of you to let the Greeks keep 75%.

Well, they're not keeping 75%.

I'm cutting you in for 5% of their share.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

And in six months, you'll be rich enough to buy Scotland and keep all this lovely

booze for yourself.

Could I buy Milwaukee, too, so I could have my own beer chasers?

But this is only the beginning.

Anyone who wants to put Island of Love on their lipsticks, girdles, cold creams,

nail polish, panties, scanties, perfumes and deodorants, has to pay old Uncle

Stevie first.

Steve, there's only one thing that worries me about all this.

You've got a birthday coming up.

What do you give a man who's got everything?

Helena.

You won't live long enough to see that birthday.

And it won't stop me from trying.

Well, suppose she loves this guy.

I'm gambling that she doesn't.

Gambling and praying.

I love her, kid.

Yeah. Bet you never thought you'd ever hear me say that about anything but money.

This is one deal that you won't find the answer to in a little black book, mister.

I know. Don't think it hasn't got me worried.

I cannot concentrate.

The book publisher has been calling. He says 25,000 copies have been returned.

They only printed 20,000.

They returned 5,000 of your first book.

I was happy here. Soon we'll both be looking for jobs.

If you had not made such a performance when I tried to throw back these relics, I

would not be in this situation now.

We could already be planning the marriage.

To throw them back would have been dishonest.

So? For your honesty, you'll be a bride when you should be a grandmother.

Where are you going?

I'm expecting my cousin for lunch.

If she comes, tell her I'm putting on some powder.

See you next time, Miranda. See you next time.

This is a surprise.

How are you, Mama?

Wonderful.

My brother and his bride will be here in four weeks.

Just came a letter.

So they finally got married, huh?

Married.

They're already having a baby.

Such a beautiful bride.

Mama, I want to talk to you about something.

I'm in love with Eleanor, Mama.

Oh.

Sound silly?

Not to me.

I like it.

How do you think it'll sound to Elena?

That's another question.

I know she loves you, but I'm afraid it is the kiss-on-the-cheek kind of love.

You think I can get her to improve on that?

Who can say?

I know there's a little coolness for the professor.

Well, I don't want to make any mistakes.

I love her very much.

To change from a lover to a friend is difficult.

But to change from a friend to a lover, this could be impossible.

Well, what do I do, Mama? What can I say?

If you were a poet, I would say try words.

But silence can sometimes say more.

Be with her, walk with her, and if you really love her, she will soon know.

Mama, asking me not to use words, that's like tying a crapshooter's hands behind

his back.

You must believe me, Steve.

Speak not a word.

Speak not a word, not a word.

True love needs not a word.

You must remember only this.

Lips were made not to talk but to kiss.

Lips were made not to talk but to wish.

Not a word, not a word, not a word.

Speak another word, another word.

Why is the doctor so long inside?

He's here only five minutes. Sit down.

Mama, there is something I have to talk with you.

Yes?

I'm in love with Steve.

So why didn't you tell him this morning?

You could have saved him a broken leg.

I knew at the moment I saw him again in Athens.

Doesn't sound silly, Mama.

I like it.

But how do I tell him?

He does not think romantically about me.

He still thinks I'm six years old.

Kiss him and see how quick you'll age.

Doctor, is he all right?

A small strain. He will live for a day no more.

How old am I?

Well, you sure ain't sick, sonny?

My dad, they're all absolute gods.

Well, I've got to be close to family.

Call it anything you like.

I dreamed I was sitting on a railroad track and two freight trains were coming at

me from either side.

It's the Greek food.

You dream what you eat.

It's a premonition. I know I've got that.

Good afternoon, John. I would like you to meet Mr. Hachidakis.

That is, if you have not already met.

Mr. Hachidakis is an antique dealer in Athens.

He identified the Dodona goat as one he recently sold.

That's ridiculous. I can show you where you can find a dozen Dodona goats.

You have two in your museum.

This gentleman's goat had a slight repair on the bottom.

A chip in the shape of a crescent.

The same flaw exists in our goat.

Well, you can't pin anything on me.

Mr. Hachidakis will do the pinning.

Well, Mr. Hachidakis?

It's possible. He's the person who came to pick it up.

Are you 100% certain?

No.

Unfortunately, when I bent over that afternoon to get a good look at the individual,

he accidentally knocked my glasses from my nose, and I had to complete the

transaction through two broken lenses.

Could you identify him 100%?

if you had your broken lenses.

Perhaps, but I didn't say that.

However, if you wish to crack this, it will cost you 800 drachmas.

Never mind.

Not every antique dealer in Greece is buying it.

I suggest that neither of you leave this island while the investigation is in

progress.

Do you think they suspect anything?

We're good for 20 years.

I'm innocent.

You guys threw water on me and stuck things in my hands.

Now, let's not panic. Let's not panic.

We've got to think clearly.

No panic.

I'll bleed insanity.

I dream about great trains that...

Quiet! I'm trying to think!

I'm trying to think. I'm trying to think...

I can't think. Let's panic. We've got to find Steve now.

I'm not waiting for Steve. I'm getting out of here.

Hey, what's the rush?

It was just through the whistler's.

He just left here with three of the biggest cops I ever saw and the guy you bought

the gold from.

How'd that happen?

What difference is it to me? I'm getting out of here. I'm going.

Now, wait a second.

No, we're not supposed to leave the island.

Go back to the hotel and pack our things.

Now, if anyone comes around, put one of these in his mitt and shake hands.

I've got news for you, sir.

My hand's been shaking for the past five minutes.

I'm through. I'm getting out. I'm going. I'm through.

Okay, I'm going with you.

Something I have to do first. Come on.

This is something that came up very suddenly.

I'd rather not explain it, but I'll be back as soon as it blows over.

When will that be?

I don't know.

I'm going with you.

Mama, we'll get married the minute we land in Italy.

I want her to go, Steve, I understand.

But there are others who might not understand if she weren't married first.

Yeah.

Maybe if we went after Father Anaxagoras right away.

He should be at the church now.

I have Andy's Jeep out front.

Hurry, Mama.

22 years I saved my wedding dress.

Now it won't be used.

Honey, believe me, there just isn't enough time.

How can you think of a thing like this at a time like this?

I'm sorry, kid. I can't go without her.

If you want to take off on your own, go ahead.

Thanks, kid.

Let's go, boy. We haven't got all day.

He's off on a funeral. Won't be back for a couple of hours.

Oh, yes. Old man Constantino.

Ninety-eight years he worked on the docks. Now he decided to die.

Uh, stop. What is this? Father, we have to get married in a hurry. You have to. I

mean, we'd like to. Oh, I will take care of it as soon as I deposit Constantino. We

can't wait that long. Another hour, Father? You've got to believe me, this is

urgent. Well, I cannot plant it here among the string beans.

You will have to wait.

But you're going so slow.

Can't you at least go in second gear?

Look, if it was up to Constantino, we would go into reverse.

But what can we do?

Father, I'm in big trouble.

I have to get out of the country, but fast.

Can you tell me?

Perhaps I can help.

You just marry us.

I'll tell you some other time.

I will see what I can do.

It will take me a few moments to prepare.

Wait in the chambers.

Surprise gentlemen, what are you doing here? You're being taken into custody.

For what? Perpetrating a scheme to swindle the Greek government out of $12 million.

A moment, please. I demand the right to see my attorney, Mr. Nick Kapouris of

Athens. Look, gentlemen, if you don't mind, I'm about to be married. We can discuss

our business some other time. I don't think you understand the seriousness of the

crime. There will be no marriage for the time being. Well, at least let me go

explain to Eleanor. I'll explain for you, part of the sapodo.

Where is Steve?

Where he belongs, in custody.

In custody?

For what?

Perhaps we should go inside and talk.

What's wrong?

Why is he in custody?

The good father has all the details.

I want to see him.

He'll be available at the police station.

But I question the wisdom of a visit.

There may be reporters who will sensationalize your association with a thief.

As a jailer, I know that anyone who expects justice in this world should be well-

spanked.

It's a professor who should be in jail, by all rights.

Sophia, a hot towel, please.

Are you sure you left my note with Eleanor?

I handed it to her directly.

I asked if she wanted a reply, but her mother came in and said no.

She'll never forgive me.

To leave a bride at the altar, even to go to jail, is unforgivable.

The hot towel, Sophia.

I only have two arms.

I can't change a baby and get a hot towel at the same time.

Good afternoon, Father.

I'm sorry, Father. I guess I had it coming. I'm sure your motives were good. Oh no,

they weren't. I was out to make a killing and nothing else.

I love her very much, Father. We will take a short walk, of course, Father. Hey,

curious, curious!

Steve, I have a confession. Well, that's a good switch. It has been on my mind too

long. I have got to talk.

It goes back to the war. The Nazis were tracking down our guerrillas and shooting

them. I was looking for a new hiding place and found the grotto on the far side of

the island. I had never seen it before.

And in that grotto is a shrine to Dainasus.

A temple of love?

You're kidding.

And you never told anybody about it?

Never.

Well, why not?

You forget the purpose of the shrine.

It was for those who worshipped the gods of lust and gluttony.

Paintings and art objects are disgracefully designed.

I love this little island, Steve.

I didn't want it to have a sordid reputation and to become a haven for sensation

seekers.

Here I was trying to do just that.

There is one small opening through those rocks.

Look.

Well, I'll be...

Well, Father, I won't tell a soul.

Even if it means you're going to prison?

I've talked my way out of a lot of things in my time. I can handle this, too.

Now, I must tell you, I haven't been comfortable with this secret.

It's not my function to hide evil, but to expose it.

Yes, but Father, even if you reveal your secret, it won't diminish my guilt.

To recognize one's own guilt is half the road to salvation.

There is one thing we must do first.

First, we must arrange with the professor to drop the charges in return for

allowing him to make the discovery.

Well, that's the least I could do.

Thank you, Father. I appreciate that.

You helped us once, when we needed you.

I returned the favor.

You know, you've got a pretty sharp head on your shoulders.

I could use a man like you on my team.

I would much rather you join my team, Steve.

I like the coach better.

It's fantastic. Everything's untouched.

Boy, whatever my ancestors wanted from this place, they sure wanted it badly.

As if they walked out one day and never came back.

I wonder what happened.

They probably lost their liquor license.

A piece of dough. And they lost a piece of dough.

What do you think of this one, Professor?

What do you think of this one?

A healthy young married couple.

Professor, isn't this discovery a little embarrassing for you after the book?

Not at all. There is no place for a closed mind in science.

As a matter of fact, when Mr. Ferris brought up the Dodona goat, I was the first

one to congratulate him.

I knew then we were on the track of something, and I didn't stop until I found the

shrine.

I guess you'll be getting a royal decoration for this.

Well, really, I'm embarrassed with all the publicity.

You see, I'm just a simple, retiring everyday archaeologist with a shovel.

Yeah. And what a shovel.

Eleanor.

At least you could have stuck your head in the door and said, I'm going to jail.

But they wouldn't let me.

Who wouldn't let you?

You little man in uniforms.

Where was the brave hero fought two battalions of Nazis?

I know I've hurt you, Eleanor.

And I promise never to hurt you again.

What good are promises from a man who lies?

I've never lied to you, Eleanor.

To discover relics which you bought in Athens.

This is not lying.

All I can say is I love you.

You do not love me.

You love money.

Well, you have your money now.

Go ahead.

Build your hotels with the nightclubs.

The naked Greeks running around.

These are contracts for hotels and nightclubs.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mama, you dig out that wedding dress again.

Who needs to dig?

I want the biggest, loudest, fanciest wedding this country has ever seen.

Invite everybody on Parathisos.

They will come anyway.

Here, shoot the works.

And if you run short, there's plenty more.

I'm thinking my brother Anastasius will be here in four weeks with his bride.

It would be nice if we waited.

Four weeks? But that's forever.

I think he would be hurt if we did not wait.

He has never seen me.

It is not so long, four weeks.

Then we can go away for a long honeymoon.

Perhaps I should write for her to bring her wedding dress.

It's so beautiful, and mine is so old- fashioned.

Oh, not in your life, Mama.

If this dress was good enough for you, this...

This is your brother?

Anastasis. In America, he's called Tony. Tony. And his bride. I never heard such a

name.

Tutu. Oh.

Steve, you're pale.

Oh, poor darling. You have been working too hard.

But now we have just to wait until Uncle Anastasis arrives.

Then you will have a long, nice rest. Hang around, mister.

I'm running.

But he won't be here for four weeks.

Why wait?

Because I have half a dozen deals to clean up before I leave.

I thought you tore up all your contracts.

Look, I may be in love with Eleanor, but I'm not out of my head completely.

I kept the rights to the commercial tie- ins.

I can sew up my prospects in ten days.

That's too long, because if Tony doesn't get me, Miranda will.

Look, if you'll help, we can clean up the business in a week.

Well, what about your wedding?

Well, I'll tell Eleanor something came up suddenly, and we have to get married

right away.

All right, Steve, one week.

But that's my absolute limit.

When was your sister expecting you?

It's about four weeks, but I'm not gonna tell her nothing.

We'll fly in and surprise her tomorrow.

Sure sounds like there's gonna be a lot of action on this little island.

I didn't know nothing till I saw the paper last night.

Expect half a million tourists a month.

You know what that means? The crap tables and slot machines?

What makes you think the Greek government's gonna let you set up a gambling joint?

I'm a Greek, aren't I?

Yeah, but you don't pay taxes there.

I don't pay taxes there, but I'm in business.

I don't pay taxes there.

No, I'm telling you, it was the same dream.

I was sitting in the middle of the railroad, and these two freight trains were

coming at me from either side.

You've always been so hysterical.

Only for the past 15 years.

Before that, I was gay and carefree.

Well, I'm telling you, usually booze is the only treatment for that.

And now I think you need a cure for the treatment.

I tell you what I do when I get a bug.

I close my eyes, and I try to think of the worst thing that can happen to me.

I imagine the whole thing happening.

Then, I open my eyes, and the whole thing is out of my system.

Try, try, try.

Excuse me, Morturas, I'm going to have to stretch the wall.

Aren't you glad we came, sugar? Isn't it a blast?

Yeah.

Only I wish I could have cleaned up a couple of things before I left, like those

two crooks.

You promised you wouldn't think about them on the honeymoon ship.

I'm always thinking about them.

Of course, sooner or later, I'm going to find them.

I'm trying to decide if I'm going to shoot them, hang them, drown them, or stab

them.

Frank, the best thing's a blend. That way everybody gets satisfied.

Farley, get a menu.

Hold it, hold it.

That's okay, boys.

He doesn't have a place on this island.

Willie, find out where they're staying and send flowers.

You want me to spend all this, Tony?

Double ceremony, right?

Witcher.

That means we'll need twice as much cement.

Witcher.

Lenny, pick up a couple of bicycle changes.

I think maybe we'll give him a little spanking before we get rough.

It's the way to spend a honeymoon.

Hours enough to bury half the population.

Who sent them away?

I don't get it.

No, no.

They didn't even sleep here last night.

I have a feeling they are in trouble, but I cannot imagine what kind.

Let us take another look around the island.

But then, ask him if he has seen two Americans.

Please, please.

Do you think there are two Americans?

There are two Americans outside the bar.

I mean, you know any Americans on this island?

Sit, sit.

Yeah, yeah.

Helena, your uncle from America and his bride.

Hello, Uncle.

Hey, relatives is out of bounds.

Hello?

Do you know any Americans on this island?

There are several.

So soon married and all ready to have a baby.

Now stop changing the subject.

What Americans do you know on the island?

There's one I'm going to marry.

Marry? Who?

His name is Steve Blair.

Let's see the ring, honey.

There is no ring yet.

We are not formally engaged.

Where is he?

I do not know.

I have not seen him since yesterday morning.

Did he leave the island?

Oh, no. He will be here shortly.

He's taking me to the celebration tonight.

Don't bet on it.

Don't bet on it?

I do not understand.

Steve Blair is the crook. He took me for two million bucks.

Oh, no. It's not my Steve. That's impossible.

You're Steve Blair.

It's a good thing you aren't engaged to him yet, because when I catch him, I'm

going to kill him.

No, there's a mistake. It's not my Steve.

The only reason he wants to marry you is because he wants to be my relative and

save his neck.

Because he knows...

He knows he doesn't stand a chance otherwise.

Anastasi, I know Steve, and I know he loves Elena.

You think so, eh?

Well, how much do you want to bet he doesn't show up at a celebration?

Nothing but a crook and a coward.

And right now, he and his friend are dug in someplace, winking in their boots.

There goes the last illusion that girl had about me.

We better make a break for it tonight.

Tony and the boys will be at the celebration, hoping you're crazy enough to show up.

They'll grab a boat, head for Anthony.

She used to sneak down here with my food, sit over there watching me like I had a

stack of halos on my head.

Let's face it, you've been a lot closer to a noose in your life than you've ever

been to a halo.

Well, that may be.

But I'd change the rules for Elena.

I love that girl, kid.

Oh.

I really love her.

I have to navigate the boat tonight, get some sleep.

No, I'm okay.

You get some sleep. It's going to be a long night.

I will show you the man who made this brief, the teacher Grigorio Pappa.

Thank you very much.

That's why I believe I will show you the man who gave me an incredible help, the

Lepinida Elena Charac.

No misopozo cacchitis papas in polilien eos, zelonapo.

This is the most happy moment of my life.

We'll remember when I was asleep, and I was sleeping.

What's the idea, running out while I was sleeping?

I couldn't help it, kid.

I had to prove something to myself and to Eleanor.

Now, look, you better go because I'm staying.

You're staying? Have you seen that firing?

Shut up!

This time you're next to someone else who needs to remember.

Steve Blair!

Well, here goes nothing, kid.

Steve, I'll gun you down!

That's okay.

If I ever get to heaven, I'll say Father Anaxagoras sent me.

Lenny, you take the brain.

Willie, you take the heart.

Farley, the liver.

Joey, take the kidneys.

In other words, cover all the moving parts.

Let's not make it too easy for them, Father.

Easy?

How are you at last rites?

I don't understand.

What are you trying to do?

You have to engage me fast.

Give me the ring, quick.

We are engaged. It is official. We are engaged.

Lenny, Sully, Joey, hold it. He's my nephew, boys. Don't kill my flesh and blood.

Wait.

Let's cup a look at that. I never heard of nobody wearing no snake for an

engagement ring before.

Why not, sugar? In a way, it's romantic. After all, a snake brought them together.

Huh? The picture. Adam and Eve, I mean. After all, if Steve didn't make the picture,

he never would have...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, Blair, you ace me out this time.

But I got another rule you ought to know about. Anybody owes me money of us.

Sixty days, nephew or no nephew, I turn over to my collection, boys.

Your account's going to be delinked in five days, after which you are entitled to a

very good lead pipe massage.

What's this?

It's the exclusive rights to all the commercial tie-ins for the Island of Love.

That'll cover everything that you lost in the picture and then some.

Yeah?

Well, I guess it ought to be worth something.

How about this one, boss?

He ain't part of the family.

Yeah, prepare him for surgery.

Moon!

Hey, get rid of that broad.

We're engaged.

Who is she?

Eunice Miranda, she's from Cathenas.

Yeah?

Let's cup a look at your hand.

Come on, let me see your hand.

Why don't you have a ring?

I wanted to surprise her.

Well, tell me now.

In front of everyone?

Yeah.

Oh, honey.

Don't be so unromantic. Marriage is much more fun as a surprise. You should live so

long. Come on, Tony, at least let the kid find a ring. Well, okay, Blair, but he

better surprise her before I leave. Grief. Oh, Blair, listen, I've been thinking

about that picture. Why don't we add 15 or 20 girls, give them Greek names, and

call it a new title like 'I was a captive on the island of love'? I bet you, Tony,

I think I ought to tell you about a rule that I have. What rule? I never do

business with relatives. So long, Uncle.

Captain Steve Bear is a great man.

He owns New York and Brooklyn.

And when I grow up, he's going to give me New York.

The rest of the universe, too.