Original subtitles

(soft chilling music)

(eerie piano music)

(eerie orchestral music)

(eerie woodwind music) (creatures softly growling)

(eerie piano music)

(chilling music rising)

(soft chilling music)

(woman screaming)

(soft chilling music spiraling)

(graphics smack) (dramatic beat)

(soft ominous music)

(upbeat rockabilly music)

(upbeat rockabilly music continues)

♪ Well, the devil's out drivin' a big Cadillac ♪

♪ He's gonna take me to hell and back ♪

♪ He says, "Come on, boys, let's have us some fun ♪

♪ "I'm having a party and you'd better come" ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a dead man's party ♪

♪ Yeah, a dead man's party ♪

♪ It's dead man's party ♪

♪ And you ain't going home alive ♪

(upbeat rockabilly music continues)

♪ Well, I've got my suit and I've got my tie ♪

♪ A shiny little penny is on each eye ♪

♪ And the devil laughs and opens the door ♪

♪ There's always room for just one more ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a dead man's party ♪

♪ Yeah, a dead man's party ♪

♪ It's a dead man's party and you ain't going home alive ♪

(singer maniacally cackling)

(upbeat rockabilly music continues)

♪ Well, Eddie's there singing "Summertime Blues" ♪

♪ And old Gene Vincent's playing there too ♪

♪ And Elvis Presley and John Bennett ♪

♪ They're working on the boys who ain't dead yet ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a dead man's party ♪

♪ Yeah, a dead man's party ♪

♪ It's a dead man's party and you ain't going home alive ♪

(upbeat rockabilly music continues)

(light rock music)

(light rock music fading) (truck rustling)

- [Christian] Tell Dr. Christian where it hurts.

- [David] What does that one do?

- Oh, no, that's for the big boys.

That's a big-boy pill.

(light rock music muffling)

- Don't you think you lost enough brain cells last night?

- Fewer brain cells makes you more tolerable.

- The doctor already gave you something for the pain.

- Yeah, shit's not doing anything.

My whole body's killing me.

- Well, you're not taking those.

What was easier to swallow,

those pills or your pride?

- (chuckles) If I got my ass kicked like that,

I'd be eating these things like, well, Pez.

- Excuse me, I did not get my ass kicked.

- I told you not to have that fight

two days before Kelly's wedding.

Now look at you.

- Yeah, everyone's gonna think

the maid of honor's a spousal abuser.

- Aren't we there yet?

- Uh, I don't know.

We should have seen some signs about 30 miles ago.

- What?

- I thought you knew where we were going.

- Well, I had it written down.

- Jesus.

(notepad whooshes)

Let me see.

All right, "Three squirrels, one coyote, a rabbit,"

'maybe' in parentheses and one and a half unknown.

What the fuck is this?

- Roadkill.

- Can I have that back please?

- "One and a half unknown."

Oh, that must be pretty, huh?

All right, where are the directions, numb nuts?

- I don't know.

(map crinkling)

- [Kate] Have you seen any signs for Harris?

- Uh, I don't think so.

- [David] Nice shortcut, Johnny.

- Um, why do you count dead animals?

- Yeah, tell us, Johnny, why do you, uh, count dead animals?

- No reason.

- Come on, I think it's cute.

He counts the critters that die on his journey

so we can say a little prayer for 'em later.

- Really, Johnny?

- That's real sweet, where are we?

- Lovelock, where's Lovelock?

Is it anywhere near Harris?

- Oh, this map sucks!

- Okay, you know what, you guys?

I think we spend the night here.

- Lovecock, Johnny, that's your hometown, isn't it?

You love cock.

(light upbeat country music)

(RV revving)

♪ I had my car, my phone ♪

♪ My trailer, my home repossessed ♪

♪ And I had my boots, my wife ♪

♪ My truck, and my life repossessed ♪

♪ But I never thought it would happen to me ♪

♪ It feels as if the government came after me ♪

♪ I've been possessed by a spirit from beyond the grave ♪

- [David] Who's buying gas?

- You?

- It's your turn to pay for gas.

- Oh.

♪ But I never thought it would happen to me ♪

♪ It feels as if the government came after me ♪

♪ I've been possessed by a spirit from beyond the grave ♪

♪ I've become the afterlife's loyal slave ♪

♪ They've repossessed nearly everything from me ♪

♪ So I've reassessed my situation ♪

♪ And possessed is the way to be ♪

- Excuse me.

(final chord strums) - What can I do you for?

- Um, is there an attendant around here?

- Oh, that'd be me, name's Randall Keith Randall,

gas station attendant, mechanic, musician.

- Here.

- Hey, all right, you like the music that much, huh?

(punchline rimshot beats)

I'm just kidding, for, for the gas, right?

- Um, look, we need a place to sleep.

Is there anything nearby?

- Well, yeah, that depends.

Whatcha lookin' for, four-star or five-star?

(punchline rimshot beats)

(laughs) I'm just kidding.

Actually, there ain't much around these parts, uh,

except maybe my house.

(punchline rimshot beats)

I'm just kidding, just kidding.

- I had a feeling.

- Hey. - Hey.

- You doing okay?

- What do you mean?

- You know, with the whole taking a trip

with a bunch of people you hardly know.

- Yeah, yeah, it's- - Yeah?

- Well, Johnny's a little weird.

- Yeah, well he's only on this trip

'cause he's Kelly's cousin.

(phone keypad beeping)

- Huh, of course there's no service.

(toilet flushing)

(door clattering)

(shoulders thump) - Oh, hey, sorry.

Shit, did I do that?

Sorry, here you go.

- Thanks. (faulty light buzzing)

(lighter flickers)

It's cool, I don't light 'em.

- You don't light them?

(scoffs) What do you mean?

- It's really none of your business, is it?

- Guess not.

(chilling beat) Whoa!

- Hey, come on, let's go, I found a place.

- Yeah? - Yeah, come on.

(thunder rumbling) (soft chilling music)

♪ When it comes to the town of lovelock ♪

♪ Our nightlife ain't so blazin' hot ♪

♪ And now that I've given it some thought ♪

♪ The B&B ain't exactly no honeymoon spot ♪

♪ I hope them young 'uns won't be surprised ♪

♪ When they meet that creepy Mr. Wise ♪

♪ Some say you can see it in his eyes ♪

♪ As if his soul's been paralyzed ♪

♪ And as sure as that morning sun will rise ♪

♪ Most guests leave that place traumatized ♪

(soft haunting techno music)

(RV engine sputtering)

(RV doors clattering)

(Christian grunts)

- [David] Man.

(haunting techno music continues)

- All right. (RV door slams)

Do you have my shit?

Good driving, pal.

That's my bedroom.

- Jesus Christ, David, god!

(chuckles) Nice choice, Sara.

Have you ever seen "Psycho?"

(music mimicking "Psycho" theme song)

(David urinating) - Whoa, what are you doing?

- I'm taking a piss.

(door creaking)

(David urinating continues)

(whimsical music)

- Hey! (in French accent)

How would you like it if I piss in your soup?

- David, put your dick back in your pants.

- Hmm? (David urinating continues)

- Oh! (whimsical music continues)

- Sorry about that.

- Um, uh, we're looking for rooms for the night.

We heard there might be some available.

- I am chef, not owner.

You'll have to speak to owner.

(whimsical music continues)

(shoes clattering) (whimsical music continues)

You, don't let me catch you with your dick in my bush again.

- No dick in the bush, got it.

(shoes clattering) (whimsical music continues)

- Bonjour.

(spooky orchestral music)

(door creaking)

(door slams)

- Hello, there. (ominous music)

My name is Robert Wise.

- Okay, uh, hi, I'm, I'm Christian.

(Christian clears throat) - Uh-huh.

- Hi, uh, this is, uh, Sara,

and that's Melody, Johnny, Kate, and, uh...

(David snoring)

(fingers snap) David.

(ominous music)

- Um, he's, he's just a little tired.

We've been driving all day long.

- We're headed to a wedding in Galveston.

- You have a bit of a drive ahead of you.

- Yeah, so, so we were wondering

if you had any, any rooms available?

- Oh, (chuckles) wide open.

I'll give you a discount, $50 each.

- [Sara] Sounds good.

- Follow me.

(ominous music continues) (shoes clattering)

(soft percussive beats)

(soft ominous music)

(dart smacks) (dart plops)

("The Freshman" by The Verve Pipe)

♪ I won't be held responsible ♪ (Johnny and Melody giggling)

♪ They were only freshmen ♪

♪ She fell in love ♪

♪ In the first place ♪ ♪ They were only freshmen ♪

♪ For the life of me ♪ (David singing clumsily)

♪ I cannot remember ♪ ♪ I cannot remember ♪

♪ What made us think that we were wise ♪

- Shut up and pick a key.

♪ And we never compromised ♪ ♪ Hey yeah-yeah ♪

- Don't waste your breath, he's gone.

♪ For the life of me ♪

♪ I cannot believe ♪ - Ah!

- So, do you have a boyfriend?

Of course you do, I mean, look at you.

- No, actually, I, I don't have a boyfriend.

- Really?

(Christian tongue clicking)

- Johnny.

- Oh, no, I wasn't...

I wasn't gonna-

- No, don't worry about it, it's okay.

- No, no, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry, I, I...

- It's fine.

♪ Now he's guilt-stricken ♪ (door creaking)

♪ Sobbin' with his head on the floor ♪

- [Christian] Hey, 'Henry', all right, what you got there?

Bring that shit over here.

(chilling beat)

(ominous tone whooshes)

(zen zither music)

- Hello.

- Hello, sorry, I was just...

- It's okay, come in.

(tranquil percussive music)

- [Sara] What's that?

- Among Buddhists, some believe

that box brings good fortune

and protection to its owner.

- Like a good luck charm?

- Look, dude, really, I said I was sorry.

If you notice, my feet are no longer on the table.

- Listen, you piece of shit,

you may be staying here tonight,

but this is 'ome, do you understand?

- Ohm?

- Somebody's 'ome.

- Home. - 'Ome.

- H-h-home. - 'Ome.

- Yeah.

- Not a, a sorority house.

- Excuse me, Henri, is it? - Oui.

(Melody speaking French)

- I think you meant fraternity house, brother.

(tray clatters)

(dramatic beat)

- David, sit down.

- All right, just calm down there, guy.

Johnny's gonna clean this up.

- Did you expect me to clean this up, you piece of shit?

(soft ominous music)

- Hey, French Fry,

you have any Grey Poupon instead

of that fucking French mustard?

(Christian chuckle muffles)

(soft ominous music)

(door creaking) - I don't think he likes us.

(door clicks)

- You guys, what is going on?

- Nothing, I'm going to bed.

- Yeah, I think we should all go to bed, right?

Let's call it a night.

- That's a good idea.

- Well, what about Dave?

- Leave him, he's so drunk,

he won't be able to get it up anyway.

(David snoring) (soft ominous music)

(ominous music continues)

(ominous music continues)

(cigarette smacks)

(David snoring)

(soft ominous hip hop music)

(wiped window squeaking)

(soft ominous hip hop continues)

(floor creaking)

(soft ominous hip hop continues)

(soft ominous hip hop continues)

(door creaking)

(soft ominous hip hop continues)

(ominous piano hip hop music)

(knife blade slings)

(ominous piano hip hop music continues)

(ominous piano hip hop music continues)

(door creaking)

- Hey, babe.

(Kate gasps)

(chilling music rising)

What?

(dramatic beat) (Kate gasps)

(chilling music rising)

Ahh! (chair clattering)

(David exclaiming) (upbeat brass band music)

Ah, fuck!

(David exclaiming) (whimsical vaudeville music)

- Oh, shit.

(whimsical vaudeville music continues)

(David's slippery shoes clattering)

- [David] Shit, fuck!

- What happened?

- I was, I was, I was, I was eating a blueberry,

blueberry pie (stammering)

(woman screams)

(Johnny gasps)

(soft ominous music)

The blueberry, I was eating,

I was eating the blueberry (stammering)

(door creaking) (door thuds)

- Help, he's having a heart attack!

(Robert gasps) (hand thuds)

(intense string music rising)

- Okay, okay, here we go, um...

All right. (knuckles cracking)

I can't do this.

(receiver chimes) Hello? Uh-

(receiver clatters)

Phone, phone, call 9-1-1, call 9-1-1.

(intense percussive music)

- The phone's dead!

- [Johnny] W-w-w-we gotta get the police!

- Somebody's gotta go into town.

(light upbeat bluegrass music)

- Oh, all right, um, I'm gonna take the bike outside

And I'm gonna go get some help, all right?

- Since when do you know how to ride a motorcycle?

- What? Um...

- You don't know how to ride a motorcycle.

- Yeah, I-I-I'll go.

- No, no, no, stay here.

Everybody stay here, just be calm, relax,

I have everything under control.

I love you, baby, I love you.

(light upbeat bluegrass music)

(motorcycle revving)

(motorcycle crashes)

(crickets chirping)

I'm good, I'm good, all right.

(light upbeat bluegrass music)

All right, all right, just give me a second.

(motorcycle revving)

(motorcycle whizzes)

(thunder rumbling)

(light upbeat bluegrass music continues)

♪ Well, well, well, damn it all to hell ♪

♪ That snobby French chef got himself killed ♪

♪ So for those of you who thought I was deranged ♪

♪ I told you there was something really strange ♪

♪ Going on in that house, mark my words down ♪

♪ And who was that drifter who was hangin' around ♪

♪ Some outcast, nomadic kind of rambler ♪

♪ Tall, dark, mysterious, and sultry man with ♪

♪ Bedroom eyes and shoulders you could hang a bedspread on ♪

♪ Uh, I mean, I like huntin' and fishin', I'm kiddin' ♪

♪ Come on, I'm a red-meat man who likes his films gory ♪

♪ So let's just continue on with our story ♪

Someone hand me some chew.

(cicadas buzzing)

- [Sheriff] So whatcha did is you turned around

and the chef was sittin' there with a knife in his throat.

- [David] Yeah.

- And what you're telling me is

you're walking around upstairs

at four o'clock in the morning

and you just see the old man lying there.

- Yes, I was going to the bathroom.

- So that's your story, huh?

- Sheriff, it's not a story, it's what happened.

- Right.

Let me tell you something, boy.

Whenever I show up on a scene like this,

there's always three sides to the story.

You got your victim's side, the witness's side-

- Yeah, and the truth.

I got it, Colombo.

(sheriff chuckles)

(bones crunch)

- You don't wanna dance with me, friend.

(ominous music)

(light ominous music) (sheriff chuckles)

Well,

hm, you know,

it's too bad you can't talk there, little fella.

I bet you got a hell of a story to tell.

- Actually, he wouldn't.

(soft ominous beat)

(soft ominous music)

It's just that a goldfish has a memory

that lasts about two or three seconds.

So right now he doesn't even remember

that there was a dart in his bowl.

(dart thuds)

- Whoa-oh-oh! (grunts) (face smacks)

(whimsical techno music)

- Enus, what in the hell are you doing?

Have a little respect.

- Sorry, Sheriff. (grunts)

He's heavy. (grunts)

- You know, it occurs to me

that y'all think you're pretty damn smart.

Let me tell you a little somethin'.

Trying to sneak a lie past me,

well, (chuckles)

that's like trying to sneak a sunbeam past a rooster.

(soft xylophone music)

Y'all have a good morning now.

- Uh, I'm supposed to ask you for keys to your RV.

- Why?

- Sheriff doesn't want you getting any

weird ideas about leavin' town.

(light country music)

(keys clinking)

(Enus' chest smacks)

(light country music continues)

(Melody gasps) (chilling beat)

(shears sling) - Jesus.

Hello, excuse me?

(chilling beat) (Melody gasps)

- Oh, (groaning)

(Melody sighs)

(soft tuba music)

(soft tuba music continues) (fly buzzing)

(soft tuba music continues)

- Hey, Mel!

- Hey David, have you met the gardener?

- Hey, how are ya?

(soft tuba music continues)

What, is he mute?

- Yeah.

- Oh.

(vehicle rustling)

(soft mysterious music)

Is that Johnny? - Yeah.

- Where's that freak going?

- I don't know.

(vehicle rustling)

(car door clatters)

(whimsical techno music)

- Afternoon, folks, I got some good news for you.

Sheriff's got a suspect in custody.

- Really? - Oh, yeah, who?

- Some drifter, caught him walking

around the property this morning.

Shifty-looking character.

(ominous music)

- Hey, hey, I've seen this guy.

- What?

- Yeah, he bummed a cigarette off me.

- When?

- Uh, it was at the gas station

when we first pulled into town.

- Well, Sheriff's definitely gonna wanna hear this.

You'll need to come down to the station.

- After he talks to Christian though, we can go?

- Well, not exactly, ma'am.

See, y'all are still material witnesses.

And this investigation is

still under investigation.

- We really need to get to our friend's wedding.

- Yeah, I'm real sorry, miss,

but Sheriff says you still can't leave yet.

- This is bullshit!

- I'm the maid of fucking honor for Christ's sake!

- Uh, I'm real sorry about that, miss.

Uh, uh, I mean, not being the maid of honor.

It's a real honor.

- Okay, well, is there a phone around here

we can use to call our friends?

- Well, there's a problem there too, ma'am.

See, we had a bit of a landslide the day before yesterday.

Look out the line.

Phone company's supposed to have it fixed

by end of next week.

- Next week?!

- Y'all could use the satellite phone down at the station.

- You're welcome to leave the house if you want to.

Go into town, whatever.

I'm gonna be heading down that way

if anyone of you wants a ride.

Otherwise, it's about a 10, 15-minute walk.

It's kinda nice though.

- I gotta call Kelly.

(Kate's shoes clattering)

(soft whimsical music)

(soft ominous music)

- You wanna tell me what you're doing with all this?

The kuman thong, what the hell's that, boy?

(ominous music continues)

You gonna talk?

No?

Oh, you just a real man o' mystery, aintcha?

Huh. (slurps coffee)

I tell you what,

(coffee splashes)

you have a good day.

(wheels thud) (mud splashing)

(motorcycle engine sputters)

- Sheriff's office is in here.

- Uh, well, where could a guy get a beer around here?

- RW is throwing his weekly hoedown, down at his barn,

about a half mile down that way.

Beautiful walk

- A hoedown, that sounds perfect, all right.

Well, you know what, I'm gonna meet

you guys down there when you're done.

You, you gotta...

So you wanna come with me?

- Sure. - Yeah?

(soft xylophone music)

- Howdy folks.

How y'all doing?

(wood sign clatters)

- Watch where you're going, buddy.

- Oh, I know where I'm going, my friend.

The question is, do you know where you're going?

God knows, (chuckling) he knows.

♪ Where would I be without my baby ♪

(phone ringing)

♪ Where would I be ♪

- Hello?

- Kelly, it's me, Kate.

- Where the fuck are you?

I'm getting married in 10 minutes

and I don't have a fucking maid of honor.

- Kelly, I'm really sorry.

We're stuck in this town.

This horrible, crappy little town.

- Oh, really?

God, you know, I always knew you were jealous of me.

Well, congratulations,

you've ruined my whole fucking wedding.

- Ruined your wedding?

Kelly, someone was killed in the inn that we stayed at.

- I don't give a shit, Kate, okay?

Unless you're dead, you should be here.

What the fuck are you doing?

- I didn't do this on purpose, you little bitch.

Besides, it's not like this is gonna be your only wedding.

- Well, at least I'm getting married.

- Have you ever wondered why David doesn't wanna marry you?

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

(dial tone humming)

- Slut!

(phone slams)

(phone thuds)

- You like to call people names, don't ya?

- Tell my friends I'll meet them in that barn.

- If, if you wanna wait a minute, I'll give you a ride down.

Just be a, in a-

(door slams)

Minute.

(soft ominous music)

(shoes clattering)

(doorknob jiggling)

- Uh, hey guys, you locked all the doors.

(ominous music rising)

Hm.

(soft ominous music)

(ominous music rising)

(chilling music)

(soft xylophone music)

- So Enus tells me y'all had some

kinda run-in with my suspect.

- Well, I don't know if you'd characterize it as a run-in.

I saw the guy at the gas station.

He asked me for a cigarette,

so I gave him one, that's it.

(soft xylophone music continues)

- Like this one?

(chilling music)

- No.

- Oh.

(bag crinkles) (desk drawer clatters)

Well, it don't matter anyhow.

(soft xylophone music)

All right, y'all get outta here for now.

- For now?

Look, Sheriff, you got your suspect, right?

We really have to get to Galveston.

- Yeah. We have a wedding to go to, remember?

- Case you forgot, I am right in the middle

of a murder investigation.

Procedure needs to be followed.

Paperwork needs to be filled out.

I tell you what, miss, I'm gonna get through this

just soon as I possibly can.

(light dramatic music rising)

(book cover thuds)

(door creaking)

(chair creaking)

- Sheriff done with ya?

- For now.

What's this?

- This guy was carrying it with him

when the sheriff picked him up.

- You don't have another smoke, do you?

- You can't smoke in here, friend.

- It's okay, he doesn't light 'em.

- [Drifter] You've seen the night before, haven't you?

- Huh?

- Come on Sara, let's go, come on.

- Do not touch that box.

(soft ominous music)

(soft suspenseful music)

(ladder clangs)

(soft suspenseful music)

(suspenseful music rising) (shoes on ladder clattering)

(suspenseful music rising)

(cabinet crashing)

(ominous music)

(thunder rumbling)

♪ Johnny, stay away from that box ♪

♪ Said Johnny, stay away from that box ♪

♪ Pretend it's a girl under 18 ♪

♪ If you touch the box, it's trouble ♪

♪ If you know what I mean ♪

♪ I said, Johnny, stay away from that box. ♪

(spits) Don't touch it, Johnny.

(kickstart lever sputters)

- That picture in the journal,

Mr. Wise had that same thing in his room.

- Yeah?

(soft ominous music)

Where you going?

Hey.

What are you doing?

(soft ominous music continues)

(shoes clattering)

(soft ominous music continues)

(bell chiming) (door creaking)

(ominous music)

(person breathing heavily) (aerosol can sprays)

(oil can spraying)

(shears snipping)

(can clatters)

(ominous music continues)

(distant machine whirring)

(chilling music rising)

(punk rock music) ♪ You, you ♪

♪ Bring out the killer in me ♪

♪ You bring out the kill- ♪

(dramatic beat)

(shoes clattering) (pens scratching)

- Okay, policy, you know.

I don't make the rules, I just enforce 'em.

(light music)

Oops. (chuckles)

(whimsical orchestral music)

Great, I'll take y'all downstairs.

You probably wanna start with the periodicals.

We got "The Gazette" going back all the way to 1923.

- Cool.

(whimsical orchestral music continues)

(cow moos)

- Y'all wanna buy some deer meat?

- Deer meat?

- Yep, got us a few extra.

(whimsical music)

Give you my pretty-lady discount.

- No, thank you, I don't eat meat.

- You don't eat meat?

- Yeah, she doesn't eat meat.

- Well, how about beaver?

(animal chirps)

- [Christian] Oh wow, that must've been big news.

- Well, I gotta be closing up soon,

but if y'all wanna come back tomorrow, I'll be here all day.

- What, what's this?

- Oh, my, that, that's an awful story.

- It says here Wise had a son and someone dug up his grave?

- Yeah, you don't wanna read that.

- Yeah, I do.

- Listen, friend, if you wanna really know

what happened that night,

you ain't gonna find it in no newspaper article.

Do you believe in good and evil?

'Cause Wise stumbled onto something real evil.

(light percussive beats)

(hammer thudding)

(ominous music rising)

(man screaming)

(blood gushing) (man gurgling)

(ominous music rising)

(flesh squelches) (man grunts)

(flesh squelching) (attacker groaning)

(bones crunching)

(corpse thuds) - Hm.

(light country music)

♪ Well, I went up through Sabino Canyon, baby ♪

♪ Had some fine wine in my hand ♪

♪ Ignored the park rangers warnings, darling ♪

♪ 'Cause you know I grew up on this land ♪

♪ Yeah, I was shaking ♪

- All right, best out of seven, ready, set, go.

- I wasn't ready. - Aw. (laughs)

- Hey, you mother- - Ahh!

(both thud)

♪ And I got 16 hours till I'm out on the street ♪

♪ From my room at the Congress Hotel ♪

♪ I guess it's 'bout time I... ♪

- Hey, y'all want a Mexican bladder infection?

- What?

- RW invented them, it's tequila and cranberry juice, mm.

- Ooh, yeah, no thanks, no thanks.

- Suit yourself.

- Can I get two beers, partner?

- [Bartender] Five bucks.

♪ Well, I smell the breeze through the... ♪

- Thanks.

- You're the folks staying up at the B&B?

♪ Keep on shaking 'cause you know my baby's... ♪

- I'd be a little careful staying up there if I was you.

- Thanks for the tip.

Little late, but thanks for the tip.

- Ever since I seen that spacecraft

land up in Hogan's Creek,

ain't no one around here's believed anything I say.

So I ain't said nothing about what I seen that night.

But I saw somethin'.

I was closing up late one night,

and I was riding home. (soft spooky music)

I always cut through the cemetery

since my house is on the other side of town.

That's when I seen 'em.

Wise and some oriental fella comes sneaking

into the graveyard and dig up his newborn son.

Wise lost him and his wife about a year earlier

in a car accident.

Well, I followed him outta the graveyard

and they took the body back to the stables

and performed some sort of black-magic-type shit on him.

It was horrible.

Don't you think that's horrible?

- Yeah, but what does that have to do

with the chef's murder?

- What do you mean, ain't it obvious?

- Right, well, thank you for that little campfire story.

- That ain't no campfire story, friend!

- Look, don't worry about him, all right?

He's a little close-minded.

What do you think the whole ceremony means?

- Ain't sure, but I'm ready

(rifle clicks)

for whatever it might be.

(rifle clicking)

(upbeat country music)

- Best out of 49, ready, set, go.

I gotcha, I gotcha, I gotcha.

- So you were the folks staying up in the B&B.

Yeah, I did the autopsy,

if you can call it that.

- That frog, he wasn't liked much around here.

Covering up the true nature of food

with his special sauces and whatnot. (spits)

Frogs, oughta nuke 'em,

along with them Croatians, fucking bastards.

- Yeah, this, this place is feeling real fucking friendly.

- Okay, you're telling me the story

didn't creep you out a little bit?

- Well, not as much as the dead animals hanging on her wall.

- We have to get back to the bed and breakfast.

Something is not right here.

(motorcycling revving)

(motorcycle whizzing)

(ominous music)

(librarian humming)

- 65, 66...

(ominous music rising)

Sixty (gasps)

(chilling music rising)

There we are.

(soft ominous music)

Hmm. (door creaks)(bell chimes)

We're closed. (door creaking)

(door thuds)

(ominous music rising) (shoes clatter)

I said we're closed, friend.

(item thuds) (librarian gasps)

(ominous music rising) (rifle clicks)

(librarian gasps) (librarian thuds)

(intense music) (librarian grunting)

(rifle fires) (flesh squelches)

(upbeat country music)

- RW! - Yeah?

- Hey, I got that coyote poison for you.

Where do you want it?

- [RW] Well, just set it right there on the bar for now.

Thanks. - Yeah.

Hey, doc, you still need them horse manure samples

to run them tests?

- I guess.

- I got a pile of them in my truck

if you wanna grab 'em now.

- [Doctor] Heck yeah, let's hit it.

Well, nice meeting you folks.

- Well, I'm feeling a lot of love in this room.

- I bet you are, tiger.

(motor whirring) - Johnny?

Hey Johnny, Johnny, where are you?

Johnny?

(soft ominous music)

Oh my god, Johnny opened the box.

(motorcycle rumbling)

We gotta go back to the sheriff.

- Alright, hold on.

(motorcycle whizzing)

(soft ominous music)

- So, uh, what did you mean exactly

when you said we should be careful

around the bed and breakfast?

- Well, let's just say there's been a lot

of strange goin'-ons up there quite a while.

- One night, I heard all sorts

of strange noises from up there, strange languages.

- Probably that chef speaking his frog language.

- No, no, no, it weren't Frog.

No, it was something not of this Earth.

- Not of Earth?

- Friend, there's some things happening around here

that nobody can explain.

Not even a smart fella like you.

- Woo-hoo! (upbeat country music)

- Woo-hoo, I love this song!

Let's go, girl, woo-hoo-hoo!

Wa-hoo-hoo! - Let's go, missy.

(upbeat country music continues)

- That's fine, honey.

♪ I wear tank tops with no muscles ♪

♪ Got rings on every knuckle ♪

♪ Wear my sandals with my socks ♪

♪ Some people don't shop at Target ♪

♪ Or buy clothes at supermarkets ♪

♪ But man, I think that shit rocks ♪

♪ I wear denim on denim on- ♪

(heavy metal music)

♪ On your mark ♪

♪ Get set ♪

(motorcycle whizzing)

♪ Go ♪ (heavy metal music continues)

(motorcycle rumbling)

(windmill creaking) ♪ When I wear out the seams ♪

♪ To find the strength without the give and take, you wait ♪

♪ And find some way to get me ♪

♪ And I sigh, baby ♪ (upbeat country music)

♪ I can't win ♪

♪ Well, I'm not playing this game ♪

♪ You drank and I lied and fall back ♪

- Come on, sweetie.

I's time to get down like the rest of us cowboys and girls.

♪ I can drink my pain away ♪

- Woo, yeehaw! ♪ I got the bible ♪

- Yeah, that's...

Thanks, thanks, but I'm...

It's, it's, it's all right.

No thanks, I appreciate it though, it's not-

(hand thuds)

- You dare disrespect my sister?

You get your ass out there and you dance with her

unless you wanna square dance with me.

♪ Oh baby, I can't win ♪

♪ And I'm not playing this game ♪

- That'd be a two-step, right?

- Yeah.

You're from the city, aintcha?

I can tell.

♪ Well, I'm not playing this game ♪

♪ Yeah, but I got the bottle ♪

♪ I can drink my pain away ♪

♪ I got the bottle ♪

♪ And it washes the stains away ♪

♪ I got the bottle ♪

♪ No, I don't know what's inside ♪

♪ I got the bottle ♪

♪ And I swallow it like my pride ♪

♪ Bridge ♪

♪ All these songs about drinking ♪

♪ What the hell are you thinking ♪

♪ How many are you sinking ♪

♪ Do you sleep on the bathroom floor ♪

♪ And all these songs about heartache ♪

♪ What the hell is your heart rate ♪

- Jesus!

♪ Do you ever hope for more ♪

(gun clicks) ♪ Well we always hope for more ♪

♪ Yeah we always hope ♪

♪ For more ♪ (invisible force whooshing)

♪ You call- ♪ (gun fires)

(gun firing) (country music continues)

(fist smacking)

(motorcycle whizzing)

- Sheriff, Sheriff, we think something

happened to our friend.

- Now, slow down.

- Our friend is missing.

- Take a breath, honey, okay?

Now, Enus just radioed in.

Your friends are all down at RW's kicking up their heels.

(people screaming) (intense music)

(invisible force whooshes)

(people screaming continues)

- We found this.

- And what the hell is this?

- There's a drawing of something just like that

in that book that your suspect is carrying.

- Honey, I can see you're about as nervous

as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

But you're sounding about as crazy as that drifter in there.

Now son, why don't you take this lady down

to the party, get her something to drink.

You need to relax.

(soft eerie music)

(sighs) All right, I tell you what,

why don't we jump on in the pickup truck

and we'll go down to RW's hoedown together,

make sure your friends are all A-OK, all right?

Come on.

(upbeat rockabilly music)

♪ They're takin' names and kickin' butt ♪

♪ And comin' to your town ♪

♪ Hillbillies on speed ♪

♪ They're kickin' it out and tearin' it up ♪

♪ There ain't no clownin' round ♪

♪ Somebody's gonna bleed ♪ (punches smacking)

♪ There'll be moonshine madness ♪

♪ And hell-raising in the streets ♪

- Come on! (stick smacking)

♪ High altitude badness ♪

- What the fuck?

♪ From the hillbilly cats on speed ♪

(rockabilly music continues) (woman screaming)

♪ They're tearin' down the highway ♪

♪ And their lives are on fire ♪

♪ Speed in their veins ♪

♪ Their heads and their tires ♪

♪ Hellcats from hell and they don't smell too well ♪

♪ They're thieves, they're crooks ♪

♪ They're scoundrels, they're liars ♪

♪ They're takin' names and kickin' butt ♪

♪ And comin' to your town ♪

♪ Hillbillies on speed ♪

(eye squelches)(man screaming) ♪ They're kickin' it out ♪

♪ And tearin' it up, there ain't no clownin' round ♪

♪ Somebody's gonna bleed ♪

♪ There'll be moonshine madness ♪

♪ And hell-raising in the streets ♪

(upbeat rockabilly continues) (fists smacking)

♪ High altitude badness from the hillbilly cats ♪

♪ On speed ♪ (glass smashes)(man grunts)

♪ Speed ♪ (sheriff grunting)

(upbeat rockabilly continues) - Let's get outta here.

- What about our friends?

- They ain't my friends.

(people screaming) (rockabilly music continues)

(gun fires)

- You're gonna dance, city boy.

(gun fires)(cymbal crashes) (bullet ricochets)

♪ Kickin' butt and comin' to your town ♪

♪ Hillbillies on speed ♪

♪ They're kickin' it out and tearin' it up, there ain't ♪

♪ No clownin' round ♪ (bullet ricochets)

♪ Somebody's gonna bleed ♪ (cymbal whooshing)

♪ Moonshine madness and hell-raising in the streets ♪

- Oh, shit!

♪ High altitude badness from the hillbilly ♪

♪ Cats on speed ♪ (flesh squelching)

(antlers crunching) ♪ Hillbilly cats on speed ♪

♪ Hillbilly cats on speed ♪ (gun fires)

♪ Hillbilly cats on speed ♪ (ax whips)

(ax crunches) (ax whips)

(chilling music)

(Sara screaming)

(head thudding)

- I better say a little prayer for you.

(gun fires)

- Die, skanky shit!

Die! (neck crunches)

(gun fires)

(intense music)

(gun fires)

(intense music continues)

- [David] Come on, let's go!

(truck revving) (gun firing)

- What the heck happened back there?

- What, I don't know, I don't know.

He, Johnny, whoever the fuck that was,

he walked in with the guy with the pruning shears,

and the chick with the foaming mouth,

and they just started fucking everyone up.

And then the people that got fucked up,

they started getting up off the floor

and then they started fucking everyone else up.

- [Sheriff] Dang, I think they hit the radiator.

- [Sara] The inn's up ahead, we can take the Winnebago.

(engine sputtering) (light bluegrass music)

- Wait! (truck thuds)

- The hell'd you get outta your cage, boy?

Come on, I got a feeling we're gonna need this fella.

Lift him gently.

(truck engine sputtering)

(David grunts)

(Sheriff grunts)

Hey, where you going-

- I gotcha, I gotcha, I gotcha.

(soft intense music)

(David grunts)

- Keys.

- You got the keys, right?

- Why would I have the keys?

- Because you told your deputy to take them from us

so that we couldn't leave.

- Oh yeah, shit, I reckon Enus still has the keys.

- (chuckles) Of course he does.

(soft intense music)

(foot thuds)(face smacks) (David grunts)

(soft dramatic music) - Ah.

(gun fires)

(undead chattering indistinctly)

- Now listen up.

My friend Christian has something he'd like

to say to you all.

"I think we should..."

Shut the fuck up!

(light bluegrass music) All right, you dumb hicks,

it's time to recruit the rest

of this shitty little town.

(David and Sheriff panting) (light bluegrass continues)

(body thuds)

(door creaking) (door clatters)

(electricity buzzing) (cicadas buzzing)

(blood loudly dripping)

(hammer banging)

(upbeat bass guitar music)

(door clicks)

(board slams)

(drill buzzing)

(dull knife sawing)

(distant hammer banging) (upbeat bass continues)

(knife whipping)

(knife clatters)

(utensils clattering)

(upbeat bass guitar music continues)

- (chuckles) Giddy up.

(bass music continues) (distant drill buzzing)

(phone clatters)

(distant hammer banging)

(upbeat bass guitar music continues)

(shoe slams) Not so fast, friend.

- What happened?

Did someone open the box?

Was it, was it opened?

- I got no idea what's going on here.

All I know is nearly every one of my town's gone nuts.

- Okay, tell me what you know about this.

- Who broke the seal? - What?

- The seal was on a wooden box, who tore it off?

- Um, Johnny, I think it was our friend, Johnny.

- Johnny's not your friend anymore.

- Why don't you tell us what we're up against.

- It depends on how many people were put in that box.

- In the box?

- The box had a spirit trapped inside.

Probably the spirit of Mr. Wise's son.

- Okay, what do you mean probably?

- Probably.

- The records clerk said that she saw Wise

in the cemetery digging up a, a corpse with a Chinese guy.

- Thai.

This guy, probably.

- How about you tell us what you know for definite,

or I'll probably or knock you out for good.

(Sara chuckles)

- A kuman thong is a spirit

captured from a fetus

or a newborn's body,

(tranquil music)

kept in a small wooden box that's sealed with this.

Now, legend says it brings the owner good fortune.

However, there's a very dark side to these spirits.

If they're not nurtured properly,

they will wreak havoc.

- Who are you?

- All right, so that thing,

this kuman thong thing,

that's what killed the cook?

- I don't believe so.

See, if the seal is broken

the spirit released from the box

will inhabit the first body

which it comes in contact with.

It's my belief that the chef probably opened the box.

Wise probably had to kill him

to corral his spirit back into the box.

- Probably.

- This is like a bad horror movie.

- Yeah, well it gets a whole lot worse.

'Cause from what I gather,

if pieces of hair, flesh, blood,

or other human remains are placed inside that box,

then those people too become,

they seem to become possessed.

- Zombies.

You're talking about zombies.

- Not exactly.

These people are caught between the dead and the living.

- So how do we kill them?

- Well...

You have to detach the brains from the bodies.

- Huh, naturally, chop their heads off.

Makes perfect sense.

- Yeah, bullet to the head seems do the same thing.

But basically, yeah.

Unfortunately, this will not stop the main spirit.

- The kuman thong thing. - Right.

- What stops that?

- It gets, uh, a little more complicated.

We need the person who originally conjured the spirit.

- [Sara] Mr. Wise.

- Well, that's gonna be a bit of a problem, friend.

He's six feet under.

His will stipulated he needed

to be buried 24 hours after his death.

- Good, the dirt will still be loose.

- What?

- He wants us to dig him up.

- How far is the cemetery from here, Sheriff?

- Well, about a 20-minute walk.

With them things out there,

you might wanna take it the long way.

- We can't all go, it's not safe.

- I got a feeling pretty soon

it ain't gonna be safe around here neither.

- I can't believe this is happening.

- You're gonna need to defend yourselves, and this house.

Okay, now first we need to finish

fortifying the windows and the doors.

What do you have here?

- Got a couple weapons, chainsaw.

And this here box of 12-gauge shells, no shotgun.

(light intense music)

(metal pipe screeching)

(metal pipe pops)

(light muffled music)

(shoes clattering)

(metal clanging)

(light intense music)

(shoes clattering)

(oil plopping)

(undead chatter indistinctly)

(chainsaw rumbling)

(distant chainsaw whirring)

- Hey David!

David, come here!

Hold this, hold it tight, all right?

(metal clangs) (pipe gun blasts)

- The hell you doing, girl?

Well ain't you about as handy as a pocket on a shirt.

- Somebody found a shotgun?

- No, no, but, but somebody built one.

- You better build as many as you can.

(upbeat rockabilly music)

(singer laughs)

♪ Well, I c'mon down to the Roadkill Cafe ♪

(Christian's head squelches) ♪ You never can tell ♪

♪ What's from the highway today ♪

- They're here.

♪ They got armadillo pie and squirrel souffle ♪

- Shit, shit, motherfuckers.

- God, they're here.

- They're gonna kill us.

- Fuck that shit!

I'm about five seconds away

from fucking up a shitload of zombie fucking ass.

- They're not zombies.

- Yeah, right, like that matters.

Heads off, that's all I need to know.

Come on! - How many you count?

- Looks like about 18 or 19.

- You, Billy Ray Cyrus, take your hunting buddy.

Go up there and get those pussies.

♪ Well, if ya hit a deer, run over a skunk ♪

- They're coming up the stairs!

- [Sara] Take one, here.

♪ Roadkill Cafe, one man's mistake is another's gourmet ♪

- God, I hate it when people stop by unannounced.

(glass shatters) Now!

(pipe gun blasts)

Oh yeah, we got that freaky bastard.

Oh, shit.

- [Sara] What?

- He's getting back up.

- The head, you gotta hit 'em in the head.

- Yeah, yeah, you trying aiming one of these things.

Not the most accurate weapon in the world.

- The head, remember the head. - I know, I know!

Now! (metal clangs)(gun blasts)

Not so lucky that time, huh, bitch?

Like shootin' fish in a barrel, eh, Sheriff?

♪ Stuff's got protein and cholesterol relief ♪

♪ It's almost fat free ♪ (Johnny grunts)

♪ And don't cost a thing ♪

- That's a nice shot there, kids.

But the big dumb geek is still coming.

(kick smacks)

(Christian's head smacks)

- Oh yeah, bring it, you dipshit!

- Is that you, David?

Say, David, did you ever tell Kate

that you fucked my cousin?

(dramatic whooshing)

- That is so wrong.

- What the hell did he say?

- Nothing, nothing, baby, he doesn't say nothin'.

This guy's possessed, for Christ's sakes.

Are you gonna listen to him?

(crickets chirping)

- All right, that should buy us some time.

Let's get going, Sheriff.

We're gonna need someone to keep watch while we dig.

- I'll go.

- You're not going anywhere.

- Um, (clears throat) uh, I, I could go.

- Really?

- Yeah. - You sure?

- Yeah.

- All right, we'll make a diversion for you out front.

- Let's do it, grab that can of gasoline.

(dramatic music)

- [David] Now!

(pipe gun blasts)

Oh, shit.

- Don't shoot, it's me, Christian.

(thunder rumbles)

(dramatic whooshing) (soft eerie music)

♪ Ah, ventriloquism with Christian's head ♪

♪ "Don't shoot, it's me," ha, Christian's dead ♪

♪ Does Johnny seem scared ♪

♪ Yeah, I doubt it ♪

♪ That shooting of theirs, hell, he allowed it ♪

♪ And as for the three who snuck out the back ♪

♪ Bravery is one thing they sure don't lack ♪

♪ And David's alone inside with Sara and Kate ♪

♪ So if this was a porno, I would say great ♪

♪ I'd hear moans of pleasure, not frightful cries ♪

♪ Instead, I got 10 bucks that all three die ♪

(undead chattering)

- They're just sitting there.

Maybe that zombie fuck knows

that he's messing with the wrong guy.

- You know what, reel it in, Dave.

Keep a look out, I'm gonna reload some of these pipes.

(light suspenseful music)

- So when did you and Kelly do it?

- I, uh, she, she kinda seduced me when we were on a break.

- I knew it, that slut.

I can't believe she's wearing white.

And I'm her maid of honor.

(shoes clattering)

(soft organ music)

(doorbell ringing)

- I hope I'm not disturbing you,

but there's never been a better time

for joining my squad. - Now!

(pipe gun blasts)

(blood spurting)

(whimsical spooky music)

- Fuck!

- So, um, which break are we talking about here?

You know, because it's the one we took last summer then.

(whimsical string music)

(hand smacks) Are you listening to me?

- Yeah, yeah, honey, I'm, I'm listening, I'm listening.

- Do you know how long we've been dating?

- You're kidding, right?

- I'm asking you a question.

- And you think this is the right time

to ask a question like that.

- Oh, (chuckles) there's always some excuse

for not wanting to talk about these things.

- I think defending ourselves from being possessed

by a demon spirit that's now inhabiting

your best friend's cousin ranks pretty damn high

on the list of good excuses for not wanting

to analyze our relationship right now.

Could you, could you hand me another one

of those loaded pipes so I can take care

of this tall freak with the ax that's coming up the steps?

(intense music)

Now. (pipe gun blasts)

- What the hell was that?

- [David] Just another freaky fuck

making a run for the house.

(upbeat hip hop music)

♪ We're comin' to kill ya ♪

♪ We're comin' to kill ya, comin' to kill ya ♪

♪ What ♪ ♪ We're comin' to kill ya ♪

♪ We're comin' to kill ya, comin' to kill ya ♪

♪ Coming to kill me ♪ ♪ We're comin' to kill ya ♪

♪ We're comin' to kill ya, comin' to kill ya ♪

♪ We're coming to kill you ♪ ♪ We're comin' to kill ya ♪

♪ We're comin' to kill ya, comin' to kill ya ♪

♪ I like hemoglobin in my mouth ♪

♪ Your frontal lobe until I spit it out ♪

♪ Yo, we be gloatin', humans taste like trout ♪

♪ And some after-dinner smokes are what I'm all about ♪

♪ So take your eyes out with tedious care ♪

♪ My mischievous stare and devious glare ♪

♪ We'll take your greasiest pair of knees, tits and hair ♪

♪ And you know I'll eat 'em raw, fuck medium rare, ha-ha ♪

♪ Blood is as sweet as moonshine whiskey ♪

♪ Join our side, you can drink some with me, yeah ♪

♪ We want guts to spare, you know they're dead ♪

♪ 'Cause we're so alive when we kill, kill, kill ♪

♪ Well, I say blood is as sweet as moonshine whiskey ♪

- What are they doing?

- Uh, well, they're dancing.

♪ Guts to spare, you know they're dead ♪

♪ 'Cause we're so alive when we kill kill kill ♪

♪ We're comin' to kill ya ♪ ♪ We're comin' to kill ya ♪

♪ We're comin' to kill ya, comin' to kill ya ♪

♪ We're comin' to kill ya ♪

♪ We're comin' to kill ya, comin' to kill ya ♪

♪ We're comin' to kill ya ♪

♪ We're comin' to kill ya, comin' to kill ya ♪

♪ We're comin' to kill ya ♪

♪ We're comin' to kill ya, comin' to kill ya ♪

- So, what are we gonna do with Wise once we dig him up?

- I'll do the same kind of ceremony

that was performed on the body of the son,

burn the body down to its bones.

(soft ominous music) I'll cast some incantations

and that should give the body the power

to stop the spirit that's taken over your town.

- But Wise is dead, how is giving his body powers

gonna help us if he's dead?

- Well, that's where it kinda gets gruesome.

(music chimes)

- Where it gets gruesome?

(music chimes)

(soft ominous music)

(eerie whooshing) (soft eerie music)

(soft eerie music)

- See, um, we're gonna have

to remove the bones from the body,

cut them into sharp stakes. - What?!

Oh my god, this is sick.

- I told you this was gonna get worse.

(soft eerie music continues)

- Now.

(metal clangs) (pipe gun blasts)

- [Man] Son of a bitch!

- Don't you move.

- [Man] Sheriff, is that you?

- Doc? - Yeah?

- [Sheriff] Did I getcha?

- Yeah, ya got me!

- You possessed, doc? - What?

- You heard me, are you possessed or not?

- No, I ain't possessed, you?

- No, I ain't possessed.

- The hell is going on here, Sheriff?

Seems like just about this whole darn town's gone crazy.

- Yeah, I know.

(leaves rustle)

Now hold it there, doc.

How can we be sure you ain't possessed?

I mean, hell, I just shot ya and you're still standin'.

- Oh, well, you ain't got me but on my shoulder.

- I, I guess that makes sense.

- All right, why don't you tell me

who won last year's annual cow chip-throwing contest?

- What? - You heard me.

If it's really you, you'd know.

- Well shoot, Sheriff, that,

that's kind of a trick question

'cause look like we never had

an annual cow chip-throwing contest.

Uh-uh, it alternates every year

with the greasy pig-catching competition.

- Oh, he's okay.

- All right, doc, get your ass over here.

(light whimsical music) (shoes rustling)

(intense music)

(dramatic whooshing)

(soft suspenseful music)

- Shit - What?

- Uh, nothing, nothing, nothing, baby, uh,

just that, um, Johnny's just,

just sitting out there looking at me.

(light marching drum tapping)

- All right, now we're about this close to getting in there.

What I need is for the whole raggedy lot of you

to make a mad dash for the front door

and bring me some of that blood that's on the third step.

(fly buzzing) (soft marching band music)

Well, what are you waiting for?

(muffled cicadas buzzing)

(dramatic music)

- It looks like they're making another charge.

You guys ready in there?

- Yeah!

(undead mumbling)

Come on, motherfuckers.

Now! (metal clangs)(gun blasts)

Oh, god!

(dramatic music)

Now! (metal clangs)(gun blasts)

Got you, you piece of trailer trash.

- Hey! - Go!

Jesus Christ, don't these fuckers stop?!

- Okay, hit it.

(pipe gun blasts)

(undead groaning)

- I'm gonna need Kate in here pretty damn quick.

- Here I come.

(intense music) (undead groaning)

Are you ready? - Yeah.

Now! (metal clangs)

Again! (metal clangs)

(intense music continues)

Fuck!

I need more, I need another one.

- We need to reload!

- Shit. Fuck!

(intense music) Gimme another one!

- I need a second!

(intense music)

(David grunting) - Hey!

(door clatters)

- What are you doing?

(David grunting) (hammer smacking)

(kick smacks) (undead groans)

(David grunting) (pipe smacking)

(hammer smacks)

(David grunting) (flesh squelching)

Come on!

(David grunting)

Fucking bitch!

(flesh squelches)

Ahh! Ahh!

(hammer smacking)

(David screaming)

(undead groaning)

- Okay, hit it.

(metal clangs) (pipe gun blasts)

(undead groaning) (intense music continues)

Okay. (metal clangs)

(pipe gun blasts)

- God! - Come on!

(undead groaning)

- What the hell were you thinking?!

- You coulda got us killed!

- Aw, shit. (hammer thuds)

(groaning) Aw, fuck.

(lighter clicks)

(soft ominous music)

(intense drum music)

(undead groaning)

(cigarette sizzles) (undead groaning)

(body thuds)

- Thanks for the donation to my blood drive, David.

(thunder rumbling)

(dramatic whooshing)

(soft eerie music)

(dramatic whooshing)

♪ David kicks with ass with a pff-pff ♪

♪ He's lightnin' fast with a pff-pff ♪

♪ But the only way to truly stop these drones ♪

♪ Is to dig up Mr. Wise's bones ♪

♪ And that's why the sheriff, drifter, and Melody ♪

♪ Took doc down to the cemetery ♪

♪ To carve the bones into sharp stakes ♪

♪ One thrust through the heart is all it takes ♪

♪ Can't kill 'em with guns and no strangulation ♪

♪ Just good old-fashioned decapitation ♪

(crickets chirping)

(soft chilling music) (shoes shuffling)

(shovel clatters) (shovel thuds)

- [Sheriff] This is it.

- All right, let's move quickly.

Look, stand up by that tree, keep a lookout.

- What's this for? - Protection.

- I can't kill anyone, I'm a vegan.

(shovels scraping)

(soft chilling music)

(undead groaning) (light intense music)

- Welcome to our world, baby.

- Honey? - What?

- Could you hand me that pipe over there please?

(shoes clattering)

(ominous music) Thank you.

(soft chilling music)

- You okay?

- Four years. - What?

- We've been going out for four years

and I think you're right, that's just too long.

- I didn't say it was too long, I just-

(chilling beat) (Kate screams)

(Kate thuds)

- Had, I known it was gonna feel this good

to bash your brains in, I would've done it a long time ago.

(David screams)

(pipe thuds) (Kate screaming)

(flesh squelching) (dramatic music)

(pipe gun blasts) (David grunts)

Now I'm fucking pissed!

(David grunting) (intense music)

(tarp crinkling)

(David groaning)

(Sara shrieks)

(David groaning)

(chainsaw buzzing)

(flesh squelching) (chainsaw buzzing)

(light jazz music)

♪ One look from her ♪

♪ And you're losing your head ♪

♪ And you can't seem to shake ♪ (chainsaw buzzing continues)

♪ This feeling inside ♪

(chainsaw buzzing drowning music)

♪ And you jump to your feet ♪

♪ And your heart skips a beat ♪

♪ You're falling in love ♪

(David thuds)

(chainsaw softly whirring) ♪ But beware with your heart ♪

♪ She might tear it apart ♪

♪ And you're losing ♪ (chainsaw buzzing)

♪ Your head once again ♪ (bone crunching)

(light jazz music continues) (chainsaw buzzing continues)

- It's just gotta be getting freakier in there.

Tell me something, he get any of you?

Sucks when you don't know

who your friends are, doesn't it?

(coffin clattering)

- Oh, what in tarnation happened to him?

Doc? - Huh?

I did an autopsy on him.

- An autop?

We knew he died of a heart attack.

- I know.

Look, I just, I figured, you know,

I need the practice and...

- From the looks of it,

you need a little more than practice.

- Just hand him up here, okay?

This place is giving me the heebie-jeebies.

(sheriff and drifter grunting)

- Come on, come on. (grunts)

(sheriff and drifter grunting)

(Melody screams)

(flesh squelches)

(sheriff grunting)

(Wise's body thudding)

(shovel clangs)

(doctor grunts) (doctor thuds)

(flesh squelching)

(shovel smacks) (undead thuds)

(shovel slams)

(soft ominous music)

- Hey, what the hell's going on up there?

- Doc's dead, let's move.

(soft chilling music) (sheriff grunting)

(gentle music)

(door clicks)

(light intense music)

(drill whirs)

(windows crashing)

(drill buzzing)

(board crashes)

(drill buzzing) (Sara grunting)

(hot oil sizzling)

(pan clanging)

(ax whipping) (flesh squelching)

(soft ominous music)

(items in bag clattering)

(soft ominous music continues)

(drifter prays in foreign language)

(fire whooshes)

(intense music)

- I have four shots left

and I'm taking four of you sick fucks with me!

(door thumps)

(intense music continues)

(soft ominous music)

(saw sawing) (flesh squelching)

(Melody coughs)

(soft ominous music continues)

(drifter exhales)

(gentle percussive music)

- What is it?

(gentle percussive music continues)

- No, no, no, I was right, I was right.

- Thought you said you knew what you were doing.

- This is tricky stuff, Sheriff, okay?

I just, I thought I got this curse mixed up

with one that I learned in Haiti a couple years ago.

(light whimsical music)

Don't worry, we're good.

We're good. (clears throat)

(light whimsical music continues)

(intense music)

(door banging)

(intense music continues)

(flesh squelches)

(kick smacks) (undead grunts)

(intense music continues)

(flies buzzing)

- Gimme a break!

(metal clangs) (pipe gun blasts)

(flesh squelching)

(intense music)

(chainsaw buzzing)

(light percussive music)

- What the hell happened here?

Jenna Lee?

Miss Rudy.

Dickey Bean.

(sheriff exclaims)

(intense music) (fists smack)

(kick smacks) (undead groans)

(fist smacks) (sheriff grunts)

(flesh squelches) (undead groans)

Whoo, nice move, Buffy.

(Melody screams)

(elbows smacking) (sheriff grunts)

(kick smacks) (drifter grunts)

(intense music)

(Melody screaming)

(hand thuds) (sheriff grunts)

(sheriff's neck crunches)

(gun fires)

(gun fires)

(gun fires)

(dramatic whooshing)

- Lisa Belmont, Manager, Hall of Records of Lovelock.

No one checks out any of these records

without signing for 'em first.

(gun clicks) No one.

You that drifter the sheriff picked up, ain't ya?

- Yeah.

- He sure is gonna be missed around here.

And who are you?

- I'm Melody.

- You with them two out-of-towners who came

into the hall of records earlier this afternoon?

- Christian and Sara?

(records book whips) - Yep, that's them.

Well, you mind telling me (soft ominous music)

what the Sam Hill's going on around here?

- I don't think you'd believe me if I told you.

- Friend, after what I seen tonight,

you could tell me an evil spirit rose up from the dead

and decided to possess the entire town and I'd believe you.

(crickets chirping)

Well, any y'all know how to stop it?

- Yeah, but he's gotta get

to the bed and breakfast right away.

- Take my truck.

You might need this too.

And girl,

(soft ominous music)

I'd love to go with y'all,

but I gotta stay here and protect the records.

It's my job.

(triumphant marching band music)

(truck engine rustling)

(truck wheels screeching)

(dramatic music)

(chainsaw buzzing) (intense music)

- You've gotta be fucking kidding me!

(chainsaw buzzing) (intense music continues)

(truck rustling) (distant chainsaw buzzing)

(rake smacks) (drifter thuds)

(distant chainsaw buzzing continues)

(soft ominous music)

- A little late for heroics, don't you think?

(Johnny grunting)

(arrow whips) (Johnny gasps)

(soft chilling beat)

(distant chainsaw buzzing continues)

Melody, I'm surprised at you.

Aren't you supposed to be all spiritual and nonviolent?

(chainsaw buzzing) (intense music)

(chainsaw buzzing continues) (Sara screaming)

(trigger clicking)

Poor thing, fresh out of arrows.

(dramatic music rising) (shoes stomping)

(music ringing)

(dramatic whooshing)

(dramatic Western movie music)

(trigger clicks) (bone stake whips)

(soft chilling music)

I thought you were a vegan.

(stake smashes) (Johnny groans)

(flesh squelching)

(Johnny thuds)

(Melody sighs)

- Oh my god, are you okay?

- Yeah, go check your friends.

(soft eerie music) (drifter grunting)

(invisible force whooshes)

(invisible force rumbles)

(soft eerie music)

(chilling beat)

(undead body thuds)

- Are you you?

- I'm not sure.

But I'm sure as shit not one of them.

(soft eerie music)

(dramatic beat)

(soft eerie music continues)

(soft rock music)

(RV)

(RV humming)

(RV rustling)

(sign creaks)

(windmill creaking)

(soft rock music continues)

(soft rock music continues)

(thunder rumbling)

(light upbeat bluegrass music)

♪ Well, three young couples were riding along ♪

♪ They had the directions messed up wrong ♪

♪ So they stopped in Lovelock to take a snooze ♪

♪ They were on their way to a friend's wedding ♪

♪ They had no idea what they were getting ♪

♪ Into, went through town ♪

♪ They happened to cruise ♪

♪ I was working as a gas station attendant ♪

♪ When a couple pretty girls and some men did ♪

♪ Ask me if I knew where they could spend the night ♪

♪ Well, I sent 'em up the road to the B&B ♪

♪ It's the only place in town, you see ♪

♪ But they were greeted warmly by death, horror and fright ♪

♪ Yeah, well, this used to be such a quiet little town ♪

♪ We never had too much trouble around here ♪

♪ Till that spirit was released ♪

♪ And we were haunted by the deceased ♪

♪ And now there's all this crazy shit that's going down here ♪

♪ Well, an esoteric drifter was along for the ride ♪

♪ He had a backpack with mysteries inside ♪

♪ That would tell the tales of the kuman thong ♪

♪ Now, some of you might dare say ♪

♪ I saw a kuman thong on a beach on spring break ♪

♪ Oh, so sad that the spirit has to prove you wrong ♪

♪ Well, the record clerk said with her own eyes ♪

♪ She watched a man named Robert Wise ♪

♪ Dig up the corpse of his newborn son ♪

♪ And he confined it to a wooden box ♪

♪ Using only a ribbon for a lock ♪

♪ Not knowing what that spirit would become ♪

♪ Well, this used to be such a quiet little town ♪

♪ We never had too much trouble around here ♪

♪ Till that spirit was released ♪

♪ And we were haunted by the deceased ♪

♪ And now there's all this crazy shit that's going down here ♪

♪ Now the hotel chef, without reasoning ♪

♪ Perhaps he was looking for seasoning ♪

♪ Opened the box and became a victim quick ♪

♪ And our young friends went into town ♪

♪ Just trying to track some answers down ♪

♪ But they got in some trouble at a bar wall shootin' stick ♪

♪ Well, I lost my gig and I lost my band ♪

♪ But I still played on and goddamn ♪

♪ I had a room full of ghouls who were checking out my sound ♪

♪ Well, this one guy by the name of Johnny ♪

♪ Is sort of a leader for us zombies ♪

♪ Said we should go hunt the rest of the young ones down ♪

♪ Yeah, well, this used to be such a quiet little town ♪

♪ Never had too much trouble around here ♪

♪ Till that spirit was released ♪

♪ And we were haunted by the deceased ♪

♪ And now there's all this crazy shit that's going down here ♪

♪ Our heroes are brave and full of verve ♪

♪ And the drifter thought he knew how to curb ♪

♪ Those possessed by separating their brains ♪

♪ He said they had to dig up the plot ♪

♪ Where Wise was laid down to rot ♪

♪ And carve his bones till they resembled blades ♪

♪ Now, Sara must have been working for NASA ♪

♪ Building a shotgun that would easily blast ya ♪

♪ Outta pipes and wires and ammo and bullets of lead ♪

♪ And David and Kate dated for four years ♪

♪ He screwed the bride to be and Kate shed tears ♪

♪ Till Dave got possessed and beat her over the head ♪

♪ Yeah, well, this used to be such a quiet little town ♪

♪ We never had too much trouble around here ♪

♪ Till that spirit was released ♪

♪ And we were haunted by the deceased ♪

♪ And now there's all this crazy shit that's going down here ♪

♪ Well, we battled hard at the B&B ♪

♪ And we all had crushes on sweet Melody ♪

♪ But she had a thing for that drifter, was he hung ♪

♪ And Melody boned Johnny with a firm femur ♪

♪ Johnny died quick, he wasn't a screamer ♪

♪ And the wooden box burning ceremony had begun ♪

♪ Well now, Sara, Melody and the drifter ♪

♪ They couldn't drive outta Lovelock any swifter ♪

♪ They were the three remaining unpossessed people ♪

♪ And that wooden box that would be an urn ♪

♪ Well, it never really started to burn ♪

♪ Leaving room for more zombies and a sequel ♪

♪ Hey, what do you know ♪

♪ This used to be such a quiet little town, yes, it did ♪

♪ We never had too much trouble around here ♪

♪ Till that spirit was released ♪

♪ And we were haunted by the deceased ♪

♪ And now there's all this crazy shit that's going down here ♪

♪ I said, there's all this crazy shit that's going down here ♪

♪ Oh yeah, there's all this crazy shit ♪

♪ That's going down here ♪

♪ I gotta get outta town ♪