Original subtitles

-Hey. -Wow, you look great.

-Thank you. -You ready to go?

Yes, let me just get my purse and then finish up a little bit.

Also, did you know there's an open can of sardines out here on your stoop?

I did. I left it for this cute little alley cat I saw.

-Janine... -I haven't seen him in a while though,

so, keep putting the food out, keeps getting eaten.

You better not have scared him off.

No. Cats like me.

They don't care that I'm allergic.

They like making me look like Will Smith in Hitch.

Hey. The hell are you doing?

You the one feeding me all these sardines?

You're the one eating these cans? My girlfriend thinks you're a cat.

Oh, no.

-I'm a man, man. -I...

Actually, look, I be riding that bus over there.

And what happened was, I was passing by, I seen a can of sardines, and I'm like,

"What? Free snacks? Hell yeah."

So I've been bus sing 'em down ever since.

Actually, bro, can you ask her to, like, leave me a little bit of, like, bread?

Maybe some mustard. Make a little sandwich, you know what I'm saying?

Damn, that's my bus.

Don't forget. Mustard, all right?

Ooh! You saw the cat.

Yeah, he said leave mustard next time.

Come on. You got to be kidding me.

-What's up? -They're raising my rent again.

I knew this was gonna happen as soon as I saw

that "Sprouts Coming Soon" sign last week.

You should've bought a house when I did, summer of 2008.

Or learned how to build a house yourself,

like the folks who built Gerald and my home.

Right. Well, neither one of those things are helpful, so thank you.

I guess I'll just take on more food driver shifts,

but that barely covers it as is.

I'm gonna have to move.

Why don't you move in with me?

We could be two bachelors living it up in the city.

That's a choice. Um...

Or you can move in with me.

I know I just blurted that out in front of everyone,

but I actually have been thinking of the right time to bring it up.

I mean, you're at my place all the time anyways.

It's much closer to school. You will save a lot of money.

You know, I'm surprised you guys haven't already been living together.

My ex-husband and I moved in after one week of dating.

Of course, we're divorced now, so, you know, grain of salt.

I agree.

The concept of "living in sin"

is the only thing I disagree with in the Bible.

What about stoning?

Eh.

I mean, I am there all the time anyway.

And it would make things easier.

Mmm!

Yeah, let's do it.

Let's move in.

I'm confused. You moving in with her or me?

I choose Janine, Mr. Johnson.

I'm so excited.

We're never gonna have to say goodbye ever again.

Enjoy the mess.

What idiot doesn't want a janitor for a roommate?

Don't forget, everybody. Valentine's Day is coming up,

so make sure you tell your kids about our "Give someone you like some candy" event.

I don't understand why we don't just call it "candy grams."

Because this way is simpler and straight to the point.

Even my church does give-someone-you-like-candy.

Although we always give it to God.

-But how does he receive... -Jacob. Mm-mmm.

No, I wanna know. How does the candy get to God?

Tell you what, I don't miss a bunch of eight-year-olds

being high off sugar all day.

It's gonna be so much easier this year.

Melissa.

Candygrams are no walk in the park with the older kids.

We are talking crushes, secret admirers, hormones,

and one piece of candy can change the course of their lives overnight.

Okay, Jacob, please don't talk to me

like I don't understand the complexities of Valentine's Day.

I got valentines from all three of the DeFazio triplets,

and I handled it quite well.

I dated all three,

at separate times.

Mostly.

Damn. I haven't seen this many hearts

since the time I accidentally made my Instagram public.

This is all from you, Mr. Johnson?

You don't give gifts when you're the present.

Now if you'll excuse me.

So, all these gifts are from other men?

Exes, suitors, fans, etc.

There's a woman or two in there. I have four-quadrant appeal.

Athletes, oligarchs, thespians, and lesbians.

I'm everyone's "one who got away."

Except for you, so you better watch it.

Boop, there I go. Boop, there I go again.

I'm loving this bit where you pretend to leave me. It's so funny.

Then laugh at it.

There it is.

You're just... You're gonna keep accepting all these gifts

from the people that you're not dating?

Why wouldn't I?

Ooh... It's heating up.

Gregory Eddie.

Do you have any life-changing news you wanna tell me?

Maybe that you are moving in with the platonic love of my life?

And where'd you hear that?

You know, just a little place called everywhere.

Give me the deets. Who asked whom?

Or was it whom asked who?

I said my rent was being raised.

And she said I should move in. I agreed.

Oh, my God. That's so romantic.

This is humongous.

Yeah, I'm pretty excited.

Well, you should be. It's the biggest deal of your life.

Because, you know, it used to be her apartment,

and now it's your apartment.

All of her stuff with all of your stuff.

I never thought of it like that, but I guess you're right.

Have you decided whose colander you're gonna keep?

Or are you planning on being a two-colander household?

Zach and I did that, and it was a huge mistake.

No kitchen has that amount of room,

and you are never gonna be making two carbs at once.

Don't do it. Promise me!

I promise you. Okay? Chill out.

You good?

-Yeah. -All right.

Talent manager.

Heard you're moving into my old apartment.

That means you're my tenant now. Where's my money?

That's not at all how that works.

And how does everybody know about this?

Uh, Nick just told me. He's a very gossipy little boy.

Where is he?

Hmm. Uh, anyway.

If you find a GameCube in one of the kitchen cabinets,

do not turn it off, okay?

I'm 5% through a perfect Super Mario Sunshine speed run.

Man, memories.

If those walls could talk...

Do you think walls speak English,

or do you think they have their own language amongst each other?

Like "Wallanese," if you will.

You think I can go up to a wall and be like, "Konnichi-wall.

Hello. Kon... Konnichi-wall."

"But it's also what makes math so helpful."

Psst. Ms. Inez.

Can I look at that give-someone-you-like-some-candy sheet

for my homeroom class?

Oh. Yeah, sure. Let me find that for you.

Yeah, I wanna see who has crushes on who so I can seat them apart.

Can't let the yearning get in the way of the learning. Am I right?

Yes.

All right, everybody grab a book.

Okay, this is not good.

All right, hot goss. Unexpected classroom romance?

No. I got one kid that no one's sending candy to.

Well, you can't expect the whole class to get candy.

My whole class is getting candy except this one kid,

Travis, who they all call a nerd, but I don't see it.

I mean, I do, but I don't call him that.

Travis Gibson was in my class.

That boy was so shy, he hardly ever said a word.

I know.

And if he's the only one to not get candy,

-it'll break him. -Hmm.

A couple of wrong turns like that in life, a kid winds up Elizabeth Holmes.

Does he still carry around that bag of rocks?

He makes stop-motion videos with them.

Oh, Tim Burton did that,

and he's totally normal.

Richard Burton.

-No... -That's Liz Taylor's husband.

Yeah, and right here is where I thought we could put your weight bench, right?

And then, while we're not using it,

we kick those puppies up while we watch TV.

-Functional. Efficient. I like it. Yeah. -Yeah, right?

Yeah. Um, and obviously we can keep my kitchen table.

My grandmother gave it to me. So many memories.

Actually, she wasn't my grandmother.

She was this woman at the old folks' home where I used to volunteer.

Yeah, she gave it to me before she died. Well, she didn't give it to me.

She was throwing it out, and I had space in my car that day.

And then she died. So...

And, uh, what about these?

-Have these always been here? -Oh!

So those are from when Tariq used to mark his height.

And that tallest one is from

when he was trying to go for the world record for world's tallest Afro.

I kind of forgot they were there, but I can clean those off.

I'm sure it'll come off with, like, a rag or spit.

And you know, I have a few dishes I'd wanna bring.

-Yeah. -Do you have any room in your cabinets?

Um, I should. Probably like on the top.

I haven't been up there in a while

'cause getting the stepladder out is a whole to-do.

Look, I-I like Tariq. I...

Okay, I wouldn't say I like Tariq, but...

I wouldn't live with Tariq, and there's a lot of Tariq in here.

So, I think we can do a little bit better.

-You know, I have an idea. -Mm-hmm.

What if, for fun, we went and looked at some other places?

-You know, just for inspiration? -Hmm.

Okay, yeah.

Oh, like on House Hunters, but for an apartment.

Yeah, like a... like a fun role-play date kind of thing.

I love that. That's great.

Okay, we'll go see some other places.

We'll see how they have it laid out.

Ah! And then we'll get ideas for when you move in with me.

-Exactly, yeah. -Okay.

Oh! I hope we don't fall in love with any of the other apartments

'cause then what would we do?

So when's the move-in date?

Oh, my God, can I help Gregory move? I love helping people move.

You know, one of the best ways to increase intimacy is through misery.

Not for a few weeks. We're gonna go see some other apartments in the meantime.

But I thought he was moving into your place.

He is. Gregory just thought it'd be this cute couples' thing

if we go see apartments for inspiration.

-Huh. -Yeah.

Okay, Janine, I'm gonna say something that you're not gonna wanna hear.

Wh-What is it?

I am stealing that idea for me and Elijah.

-That is such a fun date idea. -I know, right?

Hey, uh... I rebooted the server, so I'ma head out.

What's wrong with you?

Uh...

Well, to be honest,

I'm not comfortable with you accepting Valentine's Day gifts from other people.

-They just send them. -I'd prefer they didn't.

So, you want me to call my exes and admirers,

and, what, talk to them?

You're being insecure.

I'm not. It's a respect thing.

You think I don't respect you?

I am committed to this, to you,

but I ain't gonna pretend like I'm cool with you accepting, uh...

What is this? Wimbledon tickets from some dude you used to date?

What? But then what major should he send me tickets to?

He plays better on grass.

Yeah, uh, I gotta go. But we can talk more later.

Guess we'll just end on this lingering tension.

See, I don't think my sixth graders are using terms like "pining for you."

Well, they should. It's elevated.

Students like Travis have it difficult enough as it is.

-Mm-hmm. -So Melissa and I have decided

to send him some candy.

Yeah. And all we're doing is pretending to be a kid.

We...

Which, you know, contrary to how that sounds, this time it's okay.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

For the last time, you are dealing with forces you don't understand.

Jacob, we're trying to protect the kid's feelings, all right?

No one's getting hurt here.

Look, I never got a candygram growing up,

and it was brutal, but that was my truth.

Okay? At least I knew where I stood.

And, hey, I turned out all right.

Mmm...

-Okay, you convinced us. -Yeah.

We absolutely have to do it.

-It would be cruel not to. -Yeah, do it, do it.

Hey, I got us an appointment to view another listing.

This one has a full bath and his and her...

-Vanities? -Stovetops.

-Oh. -Mm-hmm.

That's just a regular stove top. Wow.

This place is smaller than mine. Should be cool to see how they have it laid out.

-Yeah. Can't wait to see the layout. -Yeah?

-That's the whole reason we're going. -Yeah.

Oh. I also figured out our characters, yes.

I am going to be the fashion editor of a high-profile magazine

and you are going to be a doctor who, twist,

just woke up from a coma.

Why do I need to have just woken up from a coma?

Because you can't see an apartment while you're unconscious, Dr. Eddie.

-Uh... Uh-huh. -Yeah.

Chloe.

And for you, Travis.

-Really? -Whoa, Travis got one?

Okay, Trav.

He was grinning from ear to ear, so look at that.

Seems like someone put a giant smile on that kid's face.

He's climbing the social ladder now.

And that's all because of me and Barb's harmless interference.

-Yeah. -Well, I guess I stand corrected.

-Hmm. -But we will never know

if Travis was going to be his generation's next angsty poet.

So, live with that.

You requested my services?

Yeah, Barbara somehow managed to get another virus on her computer.

I need you to go fix it.

Why don't you just call your man?

We're fighting right now because I'm accepting gifts from other people.

I can't help if I'm desired by everyone.

My life is hard enough as it is.

Hand me that Louis Vuitton.

Ugh. I'm so tired of getting the same color.

Look, I get it.

I used to drown in unsolicited Valentine's Day gifts myself.

If you feel like you haven't done anything wrong,

maybe you should consider how O'Shon feels.

You know, you're the first doctor I've ever shown an apartment to before.

Yeah, well, being in a coma for so long

can really take a bite out of one's finances.

So, it's a one-bed?

Yeah, and one bath.

Uh, speaking of, why don't you guys, uh, look around?

I gotta go take a d... a call.

Enjoy the loo.

Bloody good apartment you have here.

So, what do you think?

High ceilings, decent neighborhood.

Definitely better than the first two places we saw.

Yeah. But I don't know.

I'm just really not getting any decor inspiration from this place.

Yeah, but the potential is out of control, and bones are here.

I'm just throwing this out there. What if we submitted an application?

Mm-hmm. Yes.

As long as it has a carport for our many, many cars,

and a stable for our Clydesdales.

Yeah. No, I mean, for real.

What if we made this our new apartment?

Okay, but I thought we were just doing this for fun. That's what you said.

We-we were, we were, but...

these high ceilings, right?

-Not that high. -And this view is just...

Gregory, this place sucks.

I mean, it's way worse than my place which is nice and charming and wonderful.

What's going on?

I don't want to move into your apartment.

Hey, I could use a little help getting out of the bathroom.

It's a "bring your own knob" kind of place.

You don't want to live together?

No, no. I-I want to live with you.

I just think that moving into your place will feel like moving into your space.

And I guess I want a space that feels like it's ours.

Right. But it will be our space.

Yeah, but you've been there for so many years

and you've lived a lot of life there.

Is that bad?

I just think that we could find a place that is big enough for both of us,

with stuff that we picked out together

and where you don't have to walk through a doorway

where you see how tall your ex was.

Did you know that Tariq has a GameCube in your top kitchen cabinet?

-No. -He asked us not to unplug it.

I want to start fresh.

Okay, I get that. I get that.

So the whole apartment-hunting thing was a ruse.

Do you even like House Hunters?

Janine, I love House Hunters.

-But, yeah, it was a "ruse." -Mmm.

All right, well, I hear you.

And finding a place together,

that does sound kind of nice.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

So listen, Doctor, if you're worried about crime,

we all are, but what are you gonna do?

-Definitely not this place. -Not this place.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

I want to know who sent my man a give-someone-you-like-some-candy.

Okay, what's going on now?

-Oh, Mrs. Bag of Rocks is here. -Oh.

This is not a big deal.

I just want to whoop whoever gave Travis his candy's ass.

-Where are you at? -Yeah, where are you at?

Here you at. You should've listened to me. You should've stayed out of it.

-Travis has a girlfriend? -Okay, look, relax, okay?

It's just Mrs. Howard and I.

We just wanted to send Travis a little candy.

Uh, yuck. Y'all are sick.

We just thought that Travis was gonna be the only one in his class not to get one.

Wait, so these are pity Skitties?

-Well... -Oh, what? Don't eat that.

I know y'all ain't just have pity on my man.

Okay, Travis, Travis's girlfriend...

Uh, I have a name.

That don't mean I'm telling you, stranger.

Okay, Travis, anonymous teen, we're sorry.

Travis, you're a special child,

and we didn't want you to doubt that just because you didn't get some candy.

Thanks, but I got a girl.

And for future reference, I always will.

-Clock it. Let's go. -Ah.

You wanted to talk to me?

You need me to wrap one of your gifts, hang a flat screen, hide the wires?

Stop. Look around.

What do you see?

-Nothing. -Exactly.

Happy Valentine's Day.

I texted everybody, and I told them, "Look, I only want gifts from one man."

I'm sorry. I know I joke around, but I'm committed to you too.

All right? You ain't got nothing to worry about.

That's why I didn't even think anything of it.

You the only milk chocolate that I want.

Okay, baby girl. What did you do with all the gifts, though?

Donated them to the needy.

Then there was that time I was in Namibia swimming with the elephants on the beach.

So he's baby girl now?

-Yeah... -Nick!

Oh. Phew! There you go.

I was just thinking about y'all. So the GameCube...

I know y'all really worried about it, so, got it out of your hair.

You came by?

Yeah. Last night. You didn't hear me? Made a smoothie and everything.

Where's Nick?

Oh, my God. Nick!

-Does he still have a key? -Hope so.

-It definitely won't happen at our place. -I know.

See anything you like?

Mmm. Some, but it's all so expensive.

I can't even afford the open apartment above me.

And how much is the one above you?

Uh, it's like 400 more, but it's not a basement.

It's better sunlight, it's bigger.

You know, it's the stuff you pay the big bucks for.

Well, we can afford 400 extra dollars.

No, I can't.

But we can.

No, we cannot, Gregory. The math isn't there.

I mean, I'd have to take another job, take out a loan, hit the pole...

Uh... Janine, you do realize that we will be splitting the rent, right?

Wha... Oh. Oh!

Did you get so used to Tariq not contributing

that you forget that I got a job?

And, like, utilities... we'd be splitting those too?

-Yeah. -Oh, my God.

That changes everything, okay?

Does Philadelphia have castles?

'Cause, like, I want to look at those.

Let's start with the one in your building first, but sure.

-Okay. -Mm-hmm.

Ooh!

I'll get all the toilet paper, though. You don't have to do that.

We can split that too.

Yeah.

Wow, really does feel amazing to be right.

I can see why you two insist upon it so much.

I can't wait to tell Elijah about this tonight at Valentine's Day.

Oh, my God, I forgot to get him a gift.

Well, that horse doesn't feel so high now, does it, Jacob?

At least we got our men covered.

Nope, I left Captain Rob's present in the cart.

Well, good luck to you both, 'cause Gerald's going to love his men's Bible.

As much as he loved the one you got him last year?

Shopping!

Let's go. I'll drive.

-Whew! -First piece of furniture together.

-That was easy. -Yeah. I mean, it's perfect,

and it's so us, and Wayfair delivered it so fast.

Now we just have to figure out where we're gonna sit.

Hmm. Well, we can sit at opposite ends of the table.

-Okay. -Right?

Maybe when company is over. This feels too formal, yeah.

-Side by side? -Yeah.

Maybe hug a corner?

-That one? -Yeah.

-This is good, yeah. -Perfect.

Mmm. And we even get to look at our wonderful view.

It's like being in the penthouse of a skyscraper.

That has two floors.

Oh, my goodness. What is gonna happen to the cat I've been feeding?

He's gonna be so confused when he doesn't have any sardine dinners.

Yeah, about that...