Original subtitles

Katherine! What are you doing?

I'm working on my novel.

Oh yes and I'm the Queen of Sheba.

- You said it, not me. - Alright, George Eliot.

Would you mind doing what you're paid to do?

Isn't it absolutely wonderful?

Oh, it's perfect for Calcutta.

I love this...this sort of...

...frou-frou here.

Like a little bird...

Well, how about this one?

Well, you could, uh, wear it anywhere...

I mean, it's good for, you know...

...formal dinners... nightclubs...

...embassy parties, all that sort of thing.

Well, how about this one?

Moving on from Spring to a late Summer...

...August evening, the robes are the sky as the sun goes down.

Pimms, Henley... Perhaps the Lido in Paris?

Feathers trailing behind you... What do you think?

Here we have the Spanish holiday.

It's a sort of...Matador look.

It's perfect for the big night out.

It's very Parisienne.

It comes from the English Spring garden collection.

I love the hat. It's a sort of...you know...

...Joan Collins-Lady Di affair.

We also have it in this shade, sir.

I'll take a dozen.

Different flavours.

Very good, sir.

What size?

That's difficult to say... Not sure...

She's built...

...a lot like you.

Well, I'm a size 10...

...if that's any help.

It's a beginning.

Can I get you anything else, sir?

Sir?

Take it off.

They've gone back to Calcutta.

I've got some else who might actually buy this one.

And keep your mouth shut.

Oh, well, we do have some other styles if sir would prefer.

No, this one's good. I'll take it.

We'll need a bag for it. Make it...

...alligator.

But sir, the bags are on the second floor.

Would you be good enough to pick one out? I'll wait here.

Alone at last.

- So, where do we go to show this off? - We?

- Isn't this for your wife? - That's a thought.

- You single? - Are you trying to pick me up?

Right here, in the middle of the store?

This store has this...

- ...reputation for quality. - Well...

...if that's what you really want...

...follow me.

Better hurry!

- Sit. - Sure, sit.

- And close your eyes. - But...I love the view.

You do this my way or not at all.

Oh, wait a minute...

I thought you wanted adventure?

I'm in your hands.

You're gonna love it.

What's that? Cigarette?

- Cools me down. - Who needs cooling down?

You do, jerk!

Oh God, my customer...

- You're fired! - Wrong, I quit.

What are you doing?

- What's with that woman? - She's fired.

- Get me a towel. - Get a towel!

- Is she crazy? - I'm sorry.

What's the problem?

You see, the real problem with deconstruction...

...the real problem is that no one understands what on earth it is.

Least of all those who teach it for a living.

I certainly don't understand it.

Now, you can't seriously ask us to believe that you, Alec Bolton,

a formidable figure on the century's literary landscape,

do not comprehend the concept of deconstruction?

My dear chap, I've positively gone out of my way to avoid understanding it.

I loathe and despise it in the most xenophobic manner.

Furthermore, I have a theory that no-one else really believes it either.

- This is all very entertaining... - ...like the Emperor's new clothes.

If we all stopped pretending it exists it would simply...

...disappear.

- Could you sign this for me, please? - Absolutely.

It's a really great book. I've read it twice.

Twice? That's more than I've read it.

So when will we see the next Alec Bolton novel?

The one we've all been waiting for for so long?

Haven't you heard I've given up actual writing?

I find being enormously promising

a perfectly satisfying means of creative expression.

Mr. Bolton, would you come and address a lobby at the Feminist Publishing Society?

Of course, yes, why not?

You give my agent a ring, we'll fix it up.

Really? You will?

Absolutely. Nothing would give me greater pleasure. Bye.

Mr. Bolton, what advice would you have for

someone trying to become a serious writer?

Give it all up and get a proper job.

The worst sort of American!

Thought if it was on the floor it had to be for sale!

- At least you weren't marked down! - No.

But now it's back to the agency. I can't stand it.

Don't worry, darling. It's going to get better, I promise you.

There's some publisher chappie

threatening to make me fabulously wealthy.

I need some swordfish. Extra garlic, no salt.

- And a tomato with the salad. - With the salad. Yes sir, and for you?

Uh...I like the sound of the duck in...

...goose liver fat.

And the salt's fine.

Alec, I know we only just met

and I don't want to sound presumptuous, but you owe this to yourself.

You owe it to your family, too. Are you married?

Yes, yes I am. Four years now.

I like to go all the way on a first date.

Are you going to let me change your life or not?

Well, I always say that changing publishers

is like changing deckchairs on the Titanic.

Alec, I'm the new kid on the block. I'm lean, I'm mean, I'm hungry.

And I will kill, maim and destroy for you.

Well, I'm very flattered of course.

But, as good a writer as I am,

you'd have to be an alchemist to transform prestige into pounds.

See, I write for a tiny segment of the British intelligentsia.

That's a class market.

It certainly isn't a mass market.

You can't see beyond your own country.

I can pre-sell you in America. It's a whole different ball-game there.

Prestige means big bucks.

I can repackage your essays into prestige collections,

get you big advances to live on while you do a novel.

- Mr. Corso... - Vanni, please.

Vanni...I'm talking books, you're talking money.

You can't turn literature into a business.

Sure you can. Look, Alec, I know...

...you think I'm a nouveau-riche philistine schmuck.

But you'd be wrong. I've been a millionaire nearly all my adult life

and I'll tell you something else: I graduated with top honours.

Ask me from where.

- Uh, where? - The university of life, pal.

All that Latin and Greek, quotations and epigrams...

...none of that means diddly squat.

- Diddly... - Squat. A word I learned in Harvard.

What gets me off is the business itself.

Find this best writers, giving them the treatment they deserve.

The sales they deserve, the advances they deserve.

I only publish the best and I publish them brilliantly.

And if you don't believe me, call...

...Freddy Forsythe or Dick Francis or Bill Boyd,

because without business, there won't be any more literature.

I've seen the future of English publishing and...

...it's sitting in front of you.

Still blocked?

What the hell does it look like?

What's the going rate tonight, my love?

More than you can afford.

Evening, love!

- How can I hurt ya? - God, there's two of them!

Why not call it a night?

Notice anything different?

Not really.

I'm wearing all the samples they gave me at this new place.

Sir will know the beautiful cut and fabric...

of this Chanel shirt.

And the lingerie that goes with it...

...always very popular...

...with gentlemen.

And fuck-me pumps.

We could always sell them, couldn't we?

Are you getting tired of me, Alec?

No! Darling, you have to understand, I....

...I can't think about that kind of thing,

I just have to concentrate all my energies on this novel.

Can't you spare a little energy for me?

Look, sweetheart, doesn't it ever occur to you

that we might take our love to a higher plain?

No, but it does occur to me that it's time to get back on the bus!

There's no sex in this flat!

- I do wish you wouldn't do that. - Why not?

It's getting on my nerves.

Why don't you get out? Get some air?

- Why don't you? - Because I'm writing, Alec.

It's not that easy, you know! You can't just sit down and start tapping away!

- You have to suffer first. - If you say so.

Trying to write a novel... in English!

- You're not Joseph Conrad, you know! - Neither are you.

You're making too much noise!

Real writers don't use those toys, typists do!

You mock my career,

you won't let me have a baby...

Aren't I baby enough for you?

Isn't it sufficient to be nurturing the crucible of genius?

Do you have to start writing too?

I don't care what time it is there. Get on it!

Yeah.

Did the photographers get here yet?

Yes, everybody's here. They're waiting for you.

Why didn't you tell me?

Let's go.

Put it on my desk.

You hate it.

Not at all.

I just don't think I'm necessarily the best person to judge, that's all.

You just don't want to hurt me.

Au contraire.

It would be the simplest thing in the world for me to say this was drivel

and you should give it all up and take up...

...needlepoint, or something.

Lead the kind of conventional, yet delightfully secure,

predictable and happy existence that no writer can ever op to have.

No, I wouldn't say that. It's too easy.

What I can say, though, quite unequivocally...

Yes?

...is that you make the best curry in the world.

- Oh, this is serious! - I am serious! Intensely serious.

Smell that exquisite aroma!

I wondered if...

...you might show it to this wonderful American you keep talking about?

Vanni Corso?

You're kidding!

Why not?

I'm not asking you to get it published for me.

I'd just like a professional opinion.

Kate...I couldn't possibly.

It would put him in an invidious position.

Yes, of course.

I do see that.

Good.

I'll have to send it to him myself.

I know! I hear they're shitting bricks!

I guess it never occurred to them Alec Bolton might take a hike!

Suckers!

Ciao!

Old Mr. Marlowe would never have poached clients.

And that, Judith, is why old Mr. Marlowe nearly went pecker up.

Poor old man, he must be turning in his club. There's a call for you.

- What line? - 2. Meredith Agnew.

The agent?

And Devil worshipper, as it is widely believed.

- Remind me... - The bodice ripper.

Got it.

Meredith!

Baby, what a story! I blushed!

I swear! You got the next Kim Basinger picture here!

Us?

I don't think so.

I know we published Henry Miller but that was art!

Try Faber and Faber, the could love it.

Ciao.

The horror...the horror...

Speaking of which...an opus from Alec Bolton's wife.

It's called Bond Street, about a floor model.

- You've not read it? - I don't read vanity submissions.

- I passed it on to a reader. - What reader?

- Miranda Grandville. - Miranda Grandville?

She has a reading age of 10!

If her father wasn't Lord of the board, she'd be outta here.

There isn't much to it. I must say it sounds ghastly.

Like Perils Of Pauline, minus the perils.

Jane Austen would have got a thumbs down from you.

It's a shame.

We need women writers!

Women writers, yes. Writers' wives, no.

Now come on, we're late.

So he's given it a title and a glossy cover,

but I read all these years ago.

You know, Corso won't make a bean out of Bolton.

I hear he's all written-out.

Big collection of essays indeed!

In America they'd probably call it Alex Bolton's Greatest Hits!

Poor dear Vanni, how he does long to be respectable!

Oh, don't get up! Hello, darlings!

Oh, there you are!

So, how's my star author?

Freezing cold and about to throw up.

Don't you know these things are normally done in nice, warm, secure restaurants?

Exactly. And the hacks all run off as soon as the booze runs out.

This way, they have to interview you!

Assuming they can't swim, of course. Kate?

I'd, uh, like you to meet my wife.

You two have met?

We've not been formally introduced.

Alec, the literary editor of The Review

is threatening to jump overboard and swim to the nearest pub.

Come and placate him.

You'll love each other.

Golly, Miss Molly. Is that you?

- Me. - Me and you.

There really is a God.

At this moment I find that extremely unlikely.

Wait!

What do we possibly have to talk about?

Your book.

- My book? - I loved it, I couldn't put it down.

It's like a cross between...

...The Perils of Pauline and Jane Austen.

- You really liked my book? - I want to talk to you about it.

Properly

I'll call you in a day or so.

Fix up a meeting.

- Is this because I'm Alec's wife? - No.

You can be honest with me, Mr. Corso.

No, I can't.

It's Vanni.

I'll be in touch. Stay by the phone.

To the future.

Excuse me.

That was a very pleasant evening.

Pleasant for you. I was a groupie.

Hey, come on...

I saw you chatting away with Vanni Corso.

He likes my book.

God, is there nothing that man won't do for me?

For you?

It doesn't occur to you that he might actually like my book?

He might even like me?

Oh, I'm sure he likes you. He fancies anything.

Well, they don't call him Priapus Rex for nothing.

- And you're not worried? - No, absolutely not.

He'd never do anything to upset me.

My God.

- That ego of yours is really something. - Well, he needs me far too much.

You're too smug even to be jealous!

How do you carry the weight of all that conceit around with you all day?

You must be exhausted!

I am a little tired, actually.

You really underestimate me, don't you?

- In what way? - In every way.

As a woman. As a writer. As a human being.

- I married you, didn't I? - I wonder why.

Because you were brilliant enough to appreciate me.

- I'm joking! - You're not funny.

Come on, what's got into you?

Absolutely nothing!

Oh, I see.

Oh, well maybe that's the problem. Come here, my little tiger.

Morning.

I'm telling you, this is good.

- What? - Bond Street.

Really? Are you sure?

I kid you not.

This woman can write.

- I'm not reading with my dick. - Maybe not.

But are you sure you're not talking through your arse?

Judith! Whatever would old Mr. Marlowe say?

He'd say "If she's that good, sign her up".

You bet I will!

This book...

...will clean up.

It's...it's very kind of you to give Kate all this encouragement.

What did you really think?

Kindness has nothing to do with it.

It's a fine piece of work.

- Come off it, Vanni. - I liked it.

I'm not saying that to please you, Alec.

Why is it that every woman I get involved with

thinks that she can be a writer too?

Cause you make it look easy, Pal.

But why can't she be content with what we have? Why does she have to spoil it?

I wish she'd realise how difficult it is being a genius.

By the way, I fixed it for you to go to Moscow.

You're giving the Tolstoy lecture. No, no, don't thank me.

Kate? How are you?

It's Vanni.

Vanni...Corso.

C...O...R...

I'm so sorry, I wanted to talk to you about your book, but...

...I'm just booked solid for the next couple of weeks.

Yeah.

I'm disappointed too.

Look, maybe...we could work something out.

I have to take a client out to dinner tomorrow night. What about afterwards?

Of course, I understand.

Until?

Until this famous English author came over to lecture at my university.

I was so impressed.

- And that was that? - Yes.

Perhaps it was fate?

I was meant to live here, to be married to an English man, to write in English.

But I never thought I was meant to work as a floor model.

All that stuff works great in the book.

I guess.

I never wasted any experience

and I never asked for any favours from Alec or anyone.

I can respect that. I'm a self-made man myself.

I figured, if my father could sell pizzas in Harlem,

I could sell culture in Europe.

- You've never married? - No.

My mother never found the right girl.

- Your mother? - I'm...traditional.

Mother is...mother.

Mine's lived in the same part of New York City for 47 years.

Still acts like she's in a village in Sicily.

But doesn't she want grandchildren?

Oh sure, but she's never found a woman worth of the honour of bearing them.

She's like me with my writers.

Impossibly high standards.

Anyway...

...all the best women are taken.

Tango?

Come on, Toots. Let's show them how it's done.

Tango?

Guess what I've got!

Nothing contagious, I hope.

Thank you.

I've already got hypothermia and malnutrition

from that godforsaken bloody place.

Your book contract?

Vanni!

Hi Alec.

What the hell do you think you're playing at?

I'm golfing, what do you mean?

I'm surprised Marlowe & Corso can afford vanity publishing.

Can we talk about this some other time?

I don't want Kate's book published, do you understand?

- You don't want it published? - In a word, no.

- She's your wife. - Precisely.

- My wife, but not writer. - She's still a writer.

- The book's swell, anyway... - Virginia Woolfe is a writer.

Enid Fucking Blighton is a writer!

- Is he a friend of yours? - We're just talking.

What's your problem? I've just spent 3 fucking days in a Siberian shithole!

Kate is no writer! Hey, you pushed me!

- Alec, please. That's my ball! - You're going to hear from me!

- I'm not going to stand for this. - Alec!

You hear me, Vanni? It's not going to happen!

May I drag you away from your brilliant career?

- What's the occasion? - I'm celebrating

What?

Being married to the most beautiful, brilliant woman in the world.

Or should I say the most brilliant, beautiful woman in the world?

I want you to have my baby.

To cut a long story short, I'm afraid...

- I'm not going to be a mother. - Not this time.

And not this year. But there's nothing to stop you trying again.

I'm terribly sorry about what happened.

We tried everything we possibly could,

but the fibroid mass was intrusive.

Please, spare my husband the details. He's a writer.

I'm sure you'd both rather be alone.

Call me if you want to talk Mrs. Bolton.

Thank you, darling.

And for all the other flowers too. They're beautiful.

Those are from your publisher.

He must have spent a fortune.

Well, cheap compared to having to set foot in a hospital.

Don't be cynical, Alec.

He sent these, too.

My proofs!

God, it's real.

It is so exciting to see them in print!

Maybe that's your real baby.

What are you saying?

Maybe that's what you really wanted all along?

What do you mean, Alec?

I mean you should sort your priorities out.

Your book or my son.

Your son?

What happened to our child?

I can't believe it.

You never really wanted a baby.

You wanted me to stop writing.

Darling...

I've got you something.

My God!

- It's a little monkey! - Not funny, Alec.

I wasn't trying to be funny. I was trying to be sensitive.

Well, keep trying! You're not going to buy me off with a pet.

Get it out of here.

I thought you'd like him! He's really sweet.

And it's a "him"? Please!

What the hell do I have to do?

God!

I thought we'd have the title in blue here...and here.

It would be good if we had your name...

...right through "Street".

I'm not sure about the purple.

Oh no, I like the purple. I love purple.

It's fine.

Obviously I love purple.

Do you think it will actually sell?

I know it will. I know these things.

Are you going to try for another baby?

The only baby Alec really wants is himself.

My destiny is to be my husband's mother.

He doesn't care.

Not making you happy, is he?

Making me happy... No.

Does any man?

No Englishman, that's for sure.

Are American men so different?

I can only speak for the rest of us.

That wouldn't be very professional.

- Would it? - No.

But...

...it would be great.

Do you really think so?

I think so constantly!

You must have a death wish!

Some things are worth dying for.

What if I'd said no?

You wouldn't have!

You were right.

- About what? - Purple's good.

I can't stand that noise!

Where is that animal? I'm going to kill it!

He's been shitting on first editions of Goethe!

How can you do that?

Little genius!

Regent's Park Zoo? Hello? Hello?

Don't do that!

Jesus Christ!

It's driving me insane!

I'm going for a bath.

Your days are numbered!

What do you do when you're not with me?

I write...

I keep house...

- I play with Marcel. - You play with Alec?

No...

I want you to leave him.

And lose your star author?

Maybe that's what love is about. Sacrifice.

Maybe...

- ...we should get married. - I'm already married!

Get a divorce.

I couldn't leave Alec. He loves me. He needs me.

Alec needs a mirror, to reflect his glory.

Your talent, your feistiness...

...all that stuff that makes me crazy about you...

that's what Alec wants to blot out.

I love you just the way you are. Marry me!

I can't marry you.

Then stay with Alec! Let him turn you into a Bloomsbury robot.

This setup is driving me crazy.

This setup is driving me crazy!

I tried going with other women to take my mind of you.

I can't go with other women because...

I can't get you...out of mind!

And I have to get you into my life. Or...get you out of it.

Permanently. So...

...it's time to think about that, Kate.

My shirt?

My God!

I've never seen you in so much make-up.

You could get work upstairs!

The club's very dressy

Who's Vanni bringing?

Remember, Faun, the trick is to make her insanely jealous.

Righto, sweetie.

So what did you say you do for a living?

I'm in magazines.

- Marketing or editorial? - I'm in the pictures.

- What sort of magazines? - What kind of pictures?

Last month, I was in Nylon Jungle.

- May I? - Uh, yes.

What are you doing with that?

She has a certain "je ne sais quoi".

The clap, probably.

Do you mind?

What on earth can Vanni see in that woman?

The decline of Western civilisation.

Goodnight.

Out, out, down the spout!

You're fucking him.

I love Marcel but I wouldn't fuck him.

- You're fucking him. - What are you talking about?

What's wrong with you?

More to the point, what's wrong with you? You're too damned happy.

Why shouldn't I be?

I've got this lovely home in the red light district.

A book contract.

Marcel.

And a genius for a husband.

What else is there?

You're fucking him.

He's fucking me.

50,000 is my top.

So take it!

Let them ruin the book.

Amateurs.

Alec.

Old sport! It's good to see you.

Seen these?

American paperback contracts!

What did I tell you?

German...serialisation contracts.

Japanese magazine contracts!

I'm making you a rich man of letters!

How much am I worth to you, Vanni?

- The sun and moon, sweetheart. - Put a figure on it.

Round it up, discount me out and project it over the next ten years.

Alec, what's the matter? You think we aren't taking good enough care of you?

Just give me a figure.

Uh, I guess...

If the novel hits, and New York jumps,

if it goes to paper, we're talking 1, maybe 1.3

What you would call serious money?

Pounds sterling, Alec, not dollars.

It doesn't get any seriouser than that.

Your cut would buy you an awful lot of call girls.

Alec, are you sure you're okay? You want coffee? A piece of fruit?

So you...

...you think she's that great, then?

Who?

You think she's worth it?

Stop! They're executed!

Don't get upset, Vanni.

Judith!

- Oh, don't worry! - Alec!

Think of the free publicity!

"Publisher screws writer's wife! Writer kills publisher!"

You're too civilised!

Judith!

I swear, it was nothing! A little fling to get her off your back.

I did it for you.

And I did that for you.

- Mr. Corso? Mr. Corso? - I'm here.

What are we going to do?

What are you going to do?

Why don't you just go to him?

That's what you really want, isn't it?

But Alec, our marriage...

A marriage of obvious inconvenience.

It's got to stop.

It's ruining my writing.

What does he do?

What does he do to you?

You don't want to know.

I'm a rational man. I need to know.

He's fabulous in bed.

Fabulous in bed!

My dear Kate, you'll never be a great writer if you persist in these clichés!

Fine!

He's the Nijinsky of cunnilingus.

He makes me feel like a person with a mind.

And opinions of my own.

I'm his equal.

I want my identity back, Alec!

I'm fed up of being the wife of a great man.

Better the wife of a great man than the mistress of some arsehole!

My God, he even dyes his hair!

- Alec... - Well, he does!

Fucking monkey!

I want to make love to you.

In every bathtub in every grand hotel on the continent.

I'm going to Rome on Friday. The Hassler.

Wait 'til you see that tub!

I can't go to Rome.

You can and you will. Are your papers in order?

I have this new book, I might buy it.

I need your opinion. You told me to buy Jacquie Hunstawope, so I bought it.

You know, baby, I really love your toes.

Yeah?

Of course we want first refusal!

Set up a meeting!

Before I go away. Yes.

What do you think you're doing here?

Entertaining a writer.

Vanni...

What if we find out we have nothing in common?

Angel! You know we have.

Be serious!

- What about your mother? - What about her?

She hasn't even met me.

I'm a grown man. I can make my own decisions.

You haven't so far.

Kate,

I'm going to marry you.

But you can't keep it dangling on a string forever, babe.

It's make your mind up time.

I'm going to Rome on Friday.

I want you with me.

Vanni, it's Kate.

Kate, yes.

Let's go to Rome.

I can't wait to tell you all the delicious things I'm going to do to you!

Brilliant! Be at my house at 7. Brilliant.

Yes, would you hold for a minute? Hold on, would you please? Mr. Corso?

No calls.

Judith...

I love you!

And after our stop to Paris, this flight will continue on to Málaga

where we should be landing in approximately 2 and a half hours.

Thank you for choosing Air France.

I've decided the one thing that can save this marriage

is a spot of salmon fishing. Kate?

Kate?

Kate?

Kate?

Katherine? Me petite Katherine?

Kate?

Kate?

Kate!

Son of a bitch!

Let her answer!

Vanni!

Vanni!

Oh God!

Kate!

Kate, don't be a fraud!

No Kate!

Kate, it's me!

Just what do you think you're doing?

I've come to pick up my wife!

- Your wife? - Yes, she's in the building here!

"Bolton". How many times...

B-O-L-T...look, I haven't...

I don't live here! Some bastard called Corso lives here!

What is this?

That's him! You bastard! Where is she?

What have you done with her?

What have you done? That's my house!

If I get near you, Corso, I'll kill you!

Okay, okay, okay, okay, I'm calm...

So I figured, the best decision was no decision.

Okay, Kate, let's cut to the quick here.

What's this guy got that poor old Alec hasn't got?

No, don't tell me, let me guess.

- Big dick, right? - Paul!

No, it's our duty, Carmen.

Alec is my oldest friend.

If there's any hope of salvaging anything here then I'm going to do it.

- You're embarrassing Kate. - No, he's not.

You're embarrassing me.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Carmen, you know me well enough by now.

So what is it, Kate? What's the Attraction?

- Money? - Of course not!

Bob, can't you see she's upset?

So's Alec upset.

I'm sorry, Kate.

Don't be sorry, it helps me to talk about it.

Clarifies my own feelings.

Whiskey, por favor.

You sure got here quickly.

Why did you come, Alec?

It's obvious. Kate.

I need her.

You know no self-respecting woman can live with you.

It was never a problem before that human sebaceous cyst with the dyed hair

started putting ideas in her head.

Well, from what I hear that's not exactly where he's been putting them.

You've got to face it, Al.

She's not the impressed young woman you married any more.

She wants self-determination. She wants independence.

She wants some dick.

I want her back, Bob.

I want you to help me.

Well...maybe we should fight fire with fire.

Kate, I'd like you to meet our local hero.

I'm sorry, my good chap. This is an old friend of mine, Kate Swallow.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

I guess I'll leave you two folks together.

So...did you like it?

- I loved it! - Oh really?

Well?

Your wife is worse than any bull I've ever fought.

You mean you haven't slept with her yet?

Slept? No.

You're a strange man, Mr. Bolton.

You want me to make love to your wife?

- And you don't even want to watch? - What a ghastly thought!

Well, she's a woman.

A beautiful one.

I'm a man.

- Love, it takes time. - Yes, well...

Perhaps this will help speed things up. I want you to move in for the kill.

- I'm not a cheap gigolo! - No, you're a damn expensive one.

Alright.

Look, sweetheart, you tell your boss I won't wait another minute.

He's had long enough to decide.

It's make your mind up time.

Oh, hi Vanni!

What?

Oh, okay. I'll hold.

Kate's left him, you know. I knew that wouldn't last.

And Alec, well, he's gone hurtling off to Málaga to bring her home.

She's even staying with his best friend.

The one that owns that ghastly bull ranch.

Mr. Corso...

Mr. Corso!

Business is suffering as a result of this dalliance!

This is no dalliance, Judith.

It's the real thing.

In that case...

...good luck.

I raise my sword!

Plunge it deep inside.

Twist and thrust and turn,

Until I feel the hot...

...warm...

...spurt.

And then...that for me is ecstasy.

And for the bull...eternity.

Can you do that again?

All the week, very bad.

This goes on the entire week before Easter.

Jesus...I hope we get moving before then.

- Stop! Stop! - I am stopped.

- We have a feeling in our country... - You're supposed to be with Alec!

You're not supposed to be with him!

Wait, wait! Wait a minute!

- Hey, you... - I wanted to be alone, okay?

No, please, just go away...

He's standing up for your honour, if you've got any left.

Bastard!

- You don't do that! - But you did?

- Oh, I'm sorry baby... - Please leave us along, okay?

Go!

Sorry, Vanni! He's a matador.

Must be an extra. Lost in La Mancha.

A waiter, or a fucking pimp.

- I'd like to see you get in the ring! - I am in the ring!

- Why are you here? - Because you are.

I thought Alec was, too.

Alec respects me enough to give me some space.

Now I'm competing with El Cordobés!

The only person you're competing with is yourself

and you're losing pretty fast.

Look at me, he hit my nose!

It's ridiculous, look at that!

You've got blood all over your face.

Jesus Fucking Mary!

What the hell do you think you're playing at?

- You're supposed to be with her! - But she told me to go away!

- Don't you realise who that man is? - Yeah, her lover.

- You're supposed to be her lover. - No, you're supposed to be her lover!

I can't be her lover! I'm her husband!

- You're crazy! - You're fired!

Such a messy business, divorce.

And so uncompromisingly final.

It seems such a tragedy, a lovely girl like Kate.

Such a beauty and so utterly smitten by you.

Whatever happened to all that?

- Vanni Corso happened. - Oh dear.

Forgive me, Alec, but are you quite sure you want to go through with this?

I've no other choice, Nathan. It's the only move I've got left.

I've got to call his bluff. He'll never marry her.

But it will take this to prove it.

But what if he calls your bluff?

Then I shall look an absolute prat.

Do we really have to get a divorce?

What else should we get? A puppy?

Or another of those beastly primates you've become so attached to?

So, are you happy?

Happy?

No, I'm not happy, but...

...I feel like I'm alive again.

I never thought of you as dead. Dead women don't complain.

To Alec Bolton!

Abandoned, blocked, cuckolded and drunk.

That's rather good, isn't it?

I wonder if I can get through the whole of the alphabet. Let's see...

Eviscerated, flagellated, gutted...

Have you seen this?

"To Alec, who inspired me".

I'm surprised Corso didn't insist on you dedicating it to him.

- How would have liked it. - Good for business.

Kate, Kate! Don't go to him.

I want to be normal. I think I can be normal with him.

He'll disappoint you. I know he will.

I'm sorry, Alec.

Put them there.

- What's that? - That is Marcel.

Don't you like him?

Haven't you heard that that stuff causes cancer?

Only in rats.

Have you got the Bond Street reviews there?

"Review" singular, I'm afraid.

- Novels & Novelists magazine. - What? You're kidding!

You're on the receiving end of a literary vendetta.

They're using Mrs. Bolton's book to snub you.

Dirty blood-sucking bastards!

What does our one review say?

Not good, I'm afraid.

"It is a lamentable waste of the world's severely depleted forests...

...that certain rash new elements in British publishing...

...are now using book contracts as aphrodisiacs".

Jesus...

You're right.

They're not reviewing the book. They're reviewing me.

Jolly unfair. The book is very good.

Yes, I did read it.

A divorce writ, nasty review and no sales.

I can't tell you...

...how much I'm longing for a long, lazy honeymoon.

Kate...

I've been thinking about the honeymoon.

Let's go to Italy!

Venice! It's the most romantic.

Don't think I want to.

Okay...Greece? I'll be happy with Greece.

We can't do it right now.

Do we have to put off the honeymoon?

I don't want to put off the honeymoon. I want to put off the marriage.

The timing is not good right now.

It'll happen, of course.

Just not right now.

You know...

I love you, but these are tough times for the firm.

All this bad publicity.

Look, we've made the Daily Mail.

Nigel Dempster calls me...

"The Brooklyn Book Bandit turned Literary Lothario".

"In publishing his former star-author's wife...

...he's proved he'd even stab himself in the back to get what he wants".

- So? - So?

I'm a laughing stock!

A villain. A home-wrecker.

I could lose authors over this!

So I'm bad for business?

All a publisher's got is his reputation.

He's entitled to fall in love.

He was, he is, but maybe...

...it's all too soon.

- You haven't even met my mother! - You said it was your decision!

- We're not ready yet! - You were ready a month ago!

You pushed for marriage!

You saw like you never saw before and I bought it!

Are you backing out?

Vanni, come back!

You're bored.

- No! - Yes!

You've got what you wanted, beaten Alec.

And now you're itching to get on to the next thing.

Isn't that so?

Oh, good! My Modigliani!

Fuck your Modigliani!

And fuck you! But never ever fuck me again!

You drive me crazy.

What do I have to do?

Jaboul , give me a glass please.

Thanks.

- What's wrong? - They can't eat that!

Sure they can, they're Bwitish.

What do you know? You're French, for Christ's sake.

Anyway, it's only food. It's the conversation that matters.

Listen, Kate...

I need your help tonight.

Don't worry, I'll be a brilliant conversationalist.

That's not what I meant. You've gotta just gush at these dinner parties.

- Gush? - Gush! Gush! Like old faithful.

Tell them how fabulous they are, how much you love their books.

- What if I haven't read them? - Nobody's read their books!

Just gush, that's all. Feed it to them with a spoon.

And...

Maybe not that dress. It's...it's too much.

But you bought this dress!

Before we were married! It's just not right anymore.

Remember: if you look good, I look good.

Come on, Kate.

Do this for me.

These people are important.

Thanks. And don't forget...

Gush!

It's different.

Sebastian sold the film rights to that book? How could he have done?

- A million pounds, that's how. - He'll lose his chair at Oxford!

Wouldn't you trade yours for a chaise longue by the pool?

Certainly not! What's your next book going to be about, Kate?

I'm in the planning phase.

Oh, you are going to do another one?

Of course she is! You can't be a one-book wonder, can you, Kate?

Not with a publisher for a husband!

Certainly not.

But I don't like to mention my poor efforts in such glittering company.

So, is the next one going to be set in a department store too?

No.

Maybe you should try a supermarket next time?

Oh yes! No one's ever set a novel in a supermarket.

You could call it "Convenience Item".

I think I'll stay out of stores until the recession is over.

So what is your next book going to be about, Kate?

Come on, you guys!

You know it's bad luck to talk about a book before it's finished.

Well, she could hardly have worse luck than last time!

Let's make whoopee.

Can't you see I'm writing?

Can't you see...I'm hot?

Hot...for you!

Do you know you haven't asked me anything about my new book?

How it's going.

What it is about.

So how's it going?

Forget it.

Come on!

- Later... - No, now!

I'm having dinner with Martin Amis. I wanna buy his new book.

I want to feel self-confident. Come on, Kate.

You said you wanted to help me with my work!

- Can I come to dinner? - No, it's boy-talk.

Use your imagination!

I haven't got any imagination!

Well... use your hand.

I can't negotiate with Amis in a condition of frustration.

I need to feel invincible. I'm Sicilian!

If a Sicilian man doesn't have sex every day, he gets sick...

...and he dies!

Take a cold shower. It'll do you good.

Please!

I beg you! Look, I'm on my knees! I'm grovelling!

- Excuse me, master. - Jaboul, can't you see we're writing?

Sorry, sir, but your mother has arrived.

- What? - I'm sorry, I...

I didn't think she was coming...

...until next week.

You never told me she was coming at all.

I wanted to surprise you.

Mama!

What a surprise!

We're so happy you're here!

Your poor papa!

Thank God he's dead! This would have killed him!

Mama, this is Kate.

- It's Katina. - Welcome!

I'm so happy to see you.

I've heard so much about you.

I wish I could say the same.

You two are going to love each other.

Kate, we've got a big problem...

- What are you doing? - This food!

Now I know why my son looks so sick!

This will kill him!

Vanni...

I can't stand it!

How much longer is she staying?

Could I call you back?

Your mother! How much longer is she staying?

- Until I find her an apartment. - What?

She wants to move to London to be closer to me.

Find her one in Scotland!

Kate, please...

- ...try a little harder. - Try?

I do nothing but try! Merde!

You want coffee? A piece of fruit?

I hear the reviews are fabulous.

Couldn't be better if he wrote them himself.

I wasn't worth it, was I?

Marilyn Monroe herself wouldn't have been worth it.

Come on, Kate! It's a joke.

Where's that sense of humour I married you for?

That's not what you married me for.

Basta, please.

Yeah?

I know.

Bolton's finally got a bona fide best-seller.

I feel like the dame who stood up in a church

and yells "it should have been me!".

Bruce! Good to see you.

Thank you.

Thank you, darling. I'm going to get a program.

She's naked!

Mama! Take it easy! Mama! You're making a scene.

She is making a scene, not me! That French is your wife!

How could you do this? How could you do it?

Kate! What are you trying to pull with that dress? Give me a break here!

Vanni Corso is my ex-publisher.

- Who's that? - Alec Bolton.

And Caroline Parsons. Parsons Bank. Ooh, Mama, very rich.

And she's dressed! Kate, put your coat back on, please!

Either we retain first serial or we cut his nuts off.

No, I don't suppose old Mr. Marlowe ever did.

Off Piccadilly?

I'll call you back.

Brava! That was fast.

Why don't we...

...celebrate?

- A disaster? - You're damn right it's a disaster.

It's brilliant.

It's better than the first. This time...

she can't help but have a best-seller on her hands, I feel it.

No reviewer can stop her now.

- That's marvellous! - No, it's not!

It's terrible! It'll be insufferable.

I see it all.

She'll be completely out of control.

I'll be Mr. Kate Swallow.

Why does she do this to me? Why?

I thought you'd have been proud.

Proud?

Who wants a wife they can be proud of?

I want one who'll be proud of me!

I get enough competition here.

I don't need any at home!

Lunch at the Ritz. Brings back memories.

Have you booked a room?

No.

Honey...

- I have to talk to you. - I knew it.

Your mother.

- She can't stay with us Vanni... - It's not about my mama.

So it's my book?

You don't like it?

It's not a case of liking or not liking.

It's a case of does it work or not and I have to say, babe, it doesn't.

It's not just my opinion. I had three editors read it.

And?

Can't I do something about it? Can't I rewrite it?

Frankly, no.

You'd still have a subject that couldn't sell.

There's too many women's books.

It's really a book about men.

Why don't you take a break for a while?

Sit down, think about a great new subject.

I'll do everything in my power to help you.

But I thought this was a good subject.

It's all part of the learning experience, sweetie.

Nobody ever said writing was easy.

A bottle of Champagne, please.

The best!

I'm a failure.

Kate.

Alec.

What are you doing here?

I was just taking a walk.

- In the rain? - Yeah, well...I got lost.

You know me, anything North of Oxford Street.

- How are you? - Fine.

Just fine.

Oh, great. Yeah.

- I read your book. - Oh yes?

- Great reviews. - Well, they didn't dare not to.

You're writing still?

Yes, of course.

- Going well? - Oh, very well, yes.

Good.

- I saw you with the Parsons girl. - Oh, in the Albert Hall?

- Very pretty. - I saw you, too.

I saw rather a lot of you, in fact.

Does she cook?

Who?

The Parsons girl.

Oh, no, nobody cooks for me anymore.

Don't even cook for myself.

I exist on a diet of old meat pies.

You have water...

How's Marcel?

Driving my mother-in-law crazy.

Bless him!

I..I should be going, I suppose.

So, maybe I'll see you around?

Well, take care.

- You too. - Okay.

- Thank you, darling. - What's that smell?

Indian food.

No wonder they are all starving.

Kate, why do you make this muck?

If you must cook, cook something normal.

Cook spaghetti.

Yeah. Brilliant.

Run the numbers by me.

Yeah.

If you don't like it...

...someone else might.

The Salvation Army, maybe?

Where are you going?

There are no girls here!

One out here, though!

The Salvation Army has a special service for starving authors.

How do you feel spiritually about Caroline?

Spiritual isn't a category I would wish to put Caroline in.

I prefer to think of her technically.

And Vanni?

- In a hypothetical sense? - Certainly not in a spiritual one.

- Technically, then. - That would suffice.

- From a purely academic standpoint... - No, no...

No academics here!

I refuse to allow them in the house, remember?

Theoretically, then...

What was the question again?

Plus, she's probably showing her manuscript to Alec Bolton right now.

Do my neck, please.

What do you think's going to happen, Judith?

Frankly, he'll probably tell her to take it straight to Hector Dunlop.

Oh shit!

Oh shit, he'll think it's brilliant.

Give it a full treatment. I'll lose her and lose face at the same time.

I'll bet old Marlowe never got himself in a jam like this, did he, Hey Jude?

Never let his pride or his dick get in the way of business.

I'll bet he never once shagged you senseless

across his solid oak desk, did he, Hey Jude.

Not senseless, no.

But he had his moments.

Really?

Now come on, Mr. Corso.

Stop swallowing all these rubbishy pills and get a grip on yourself!

You can have her and the book if you act now before it's too late.

Good news, Kate.

I'm going to publish your book.

- What? - I had another look at it.

Those editors don't know what they're talking about.

It's great. It grows on you like crazy.

Why don't we celebrate?

You know, I think you were right the first time.

- Right? About what? - Publishing my book.

- You shouldn't. - Who should?

- Hector Dunlop? - Why do you mention him?

Alec's back with him, isn't he?

What does Alec have to do with anything?

- You're denying it. - What are you talking about?

- True or false? - What?

You're fucking him again!

That's what this is about!

Are you spying on me?

Sex? Or no sex?

Look at me.

Are you back with him?

We're finished!

You're eating my painting!

Are we still finished?

It's up to you, Kate.

Where's Marcel?

He's gone.

- What do you mean, gone? - He's gone!

Terminated.

Marcel?

- What have you done with him? - I ate him.

Singe à l'Estragon. He was delicious.

The only time I ever liked him.

Vanni, where is he?

He's at the zoo. I had to pull strings to get them to take the little shit.

- Regent's Park? - No, the Bronx Zoo. What do you think?

I think you're a fucking bastard.

- And I'm going. - Kate! What...wait a minute!

Why can't you be a normal woman?

I am a normal woman.

- More parmesan. - Sure.

Master?

- Thank you. - "To Barry".

- What's your name? - William King.

Thank you so much.

Hello. Could you make it out "To Joan" please.

Of course.

That's lovely. Thank you very much.

That's great, thank you.

I've become your greatest fan.

Well, you did it.

You're a success. I'm impressed.

I have read it, you know. All the way through.

And?

It's bloody good.

You're a real writer, Kate.

I always knew you were.

So why did you try to stop me?

I don't know. I was afraid, I suppose.

Afraid of what?

Of losing you.

Ironic, isn't it?

I can't believe I'm hearing this.

Better late than never.

Unless, of course, it's too late.

It's never too late.

Hell, I've got to go. I'm due at the Old Vic.

Doing a spot of theatre criticism on the side these days.

What's the play?

The Taming Of The Shrew.

So, bid me farewell and...

...kiss me, Kate.

Can I call you?

I'll call you.