Original subtitles

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Alright?

- You okay? - Yeah. Just better be off.

Well... Let me give you a lift.

No. Let's just keep it casual.

Alright?

- See ya. - See ya.

- What? - You're late.

Sir, how would you like to pay?

Uh, cash I think.

Here you go.

Thank you, sir. Thanks very much.

Uh, where's your bog?

It's just opposite the bar, sir,

Alright. Cheers.

In there?

- Just there, sir, yeah. - Alright.

Hi, I'm Aysha.

Aysha.

Oh, that's..

Pretty name.

Oh. Thanks.

And you are?

Uh, I'm Luke.

Luke.

Let me guess, your surname's like Smith or Brown.

No, no, no. Tilson.

So um...

you come here a lot?

- I've never been... - I've never...

Err, I've never been here before.

Oh, is it your first time?

- Yeah. - And?

And I liked it.

You're not from around here, are you?

What do you think?

Go on, tell me where you're from.

- Essex. - Essex.

- You taking the piss? - Maybe.

I know what Essex boys are like.

You've been with a lot of them, have you?

Are you calling me a slut?

No, no, no, no. Of course not. No.

You're funny.

Boyfriend?

No.

Do you want to get some fresh air?

Yeah, cool.

Yeah, after you.

Oh, yeah.

You don't know where you're going.

No, I don't.

It's Diwali.

Festival of light.

So, what do you do?

Um.

Well, I'm a mechanic.

Like fix cars and stuff?

Yeah.

- You got a car? - No, I don't drive.

I'm meant to be driven.

- Did you like my show? - Oh, yeah, proper good.

Good?

Or...

sexy?

- Err... - Err...

Do you work out?

Hm?

- Uh yeah, a bit, yeah. - Feel mine.

Yeah. Pretty strong for a girl.

Look at these two,

Alright. Calm down.

Drink your drink.

Jealous.

That was fun, wasn't it?

Aysha, can I get a selfie with you?

No, sorry. I don't do photos.

I'm kidding. Of course, you can. Come here.

[Muffled fireworks, dance music

You're welcome. Have a good night.

What's up?

I thought you were, uh...

Oh. I see.

First time you've kissed someone like me.

- Hate that you liked it. - Shut...

Oh shit.

Don't fucking barge through me

Okay, but, can you move?

I've got to go.

Look, I'm sorry.

I thought you knew.

Can we start again?

- I won't try and kiss you. - Promise.

Yeah?

I'm coming now.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm good.

I just fucking...

I got to go.

Wait.

What, uh, he left you already?

Fuck you.

Fuck... You're a selfish little bitch,

flirting with that white boy in front of me.

In front of everyone. I drive you everywhere.

I appreciate it, even though

Shut up!

You know what, maybe I'm the mug.

I'm done. I'm done driving you.

Faiz. Faiz.

- Faiz, don't worry. - Go fuck yourself, man.

Don't worry. Come on, let's go.

Yeah, fuck off with your white boy,

Fuck.

Alright?

Uh, he wouldn't go to bed. You know what he's like.

So, I thought if he dropped off in here,

I could carry him in.

He's only had it a couple of minutes.

- Dad. - Well, I had

- Oi. Bed. Now. - No!

- Bed, now! - Shut up!

Oi, come here!

I don't want you.

I want...

You can't talk to people like that, alright?

I don't want you.

I want Mummy.

I want Mummy to take me to Disneyland.

Hey.

If you go to sleep,

I promise I'll take you to Disneyland.

Yeah? That make you happy?

Good boy.

Good boy. Good lad.

Come on, come here.

Thank you, miss. Have a good night.

Do you mind waiting until I'm inside?

Yes, yes, I'll wait.

Excuse me. I hope you don't mind me saying,

but that blusher is actually wrong for you.

You need this one. Do you mind?

No.

It'll actually go much better with your skin tone.

See, it's a lot softer. It's nice.

It's like a nice natural flush.

Um, oh.

You should get this lipstick if you're going out for,

It's much more pigmented, dramatic.

You'll love it. It'll stay on

Actually matches the dress you've got on.

It does. Thank you.

Ashiq, I need a hand in the stockroom.

We've got a new delivery arriving in 10 minutes.

No one goes on break until it's cleared.

Okay.

- Thank you. - Oh yeah, no problem.

Ash.

Hey, bro.

What are you doing down here?

Uh, Younis got me a ticket to T20s.

- At Lord's. - Nice.

You should have told me you were coming.

Yeah.

What?

Come here.

Everything okay?

Uh...

People are saying things.

Back in Manchester.

About you.

About what you're doing down here.

Ash, do you know what I'm talking about?

No.

Yeah, well, people like to talk.

They...

It can be dangerous.

I just wanted to let you know.

As your brother.

Alright.

Just...

Be careful.

Alright?

Thanks, bro.

That's got to be done today,

- you know that, don't you? - Yeah, I know. Yeah.

Come on.

Oh, for fuck's sake, are you joking?

Oh.

I told you it was knackered.

Listen, no worries, we'll fix it.

You got to lighten up, son.

Here, I've got one for you. This'll cheer you up.

What goes in hard and dry

and comes out soft and wet?

It's chewing gum.

I've told you that one before, ain't 17?

Hey. That's why you're not laughing.

Yeah, of course you have.

Your mum would have laughed at that.

She always laughed at my jokes.

It's just gone ten to four...

Oh, shit.

Listen, I was thinking,

maybe we should do something, you know, together.

The anniversary's coming up.

I just don't want Jamie to forget his nan.

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah?

Alright. Maybe, yeah.

Alright.

Mind how you go.

Jamie and Harvey had a fight during phonics.

Okay.

A physical one.

Jamie,

can you please tell your father

Tell me.

No lies.

I kicked him.

Repeatedly.

He stole my pencil.

Well, you take Jamie's pencil?

Why are you asking my son?

Why not? You got something to hide?

- This is ridiculous. - Mr. Tilson, please.

Mr. Tilson, can I have a word, please?

Yeah.

Alright, don't move, yeah? Stick there.

Jamie has been exhibiting bullying behaviour.

Now, as you know, we have

I don't want to take it further, because

I understand things have been difficult for him at home.

What's he been saying?

If you're struggling, we have support systems.

No, I don't need no fucking support system.

I'm fine. Jamie's fine.

Come on. That's it.

What do you want for dinner? What shall we have?

Um, chicken nuggets and chips.

1,2, 3, 4!

That was... That was... that was good.

That's fucking sick.

Yeah, it's really good. Brilliant.

I haven't done it in a while, alright.

I'll do it, I'll do it. Here we go.

- No, you can't. - A little bit, though.

"Cause I don't know how you're fucking doing it."

Big mouth.

You've got a tiny mouth like a I..

Big mouth. I don't know how you put up with it.

I don't know why you're fucking laughing.

- You can't even smoke. - I'm not laughing.

You do it, yeah, right. Breathe in this, yeah?

Ooh, hello.

- Steady. - That's rank.

Steady on!

- You didn't breathe in. - You alright?

- It went down the wrong hole. - Breathe it in.

Just let it...

Alright, leave it out. Give her a minute.

Watch me do it on him. Come here.

Yeah.

Like that. See, no coughing.

It's like I'm licking a fucking ashtray.

I feel sick.

You alright? Really?

So, you found a missus yet?

No, no.

Oh, um...

I'm going to Margate next weekend.

A mate of mine's away, said I could use his flat.

You should come.

Poppy can't come, she's working.

Jamie's having a tough time at school and...

you know, I'll stick about.

Oh, here she is.

What have you got, big vodka?

- Vodka or gin? - Nah, it's water.

Ugh. What is this?

50% off for skinny bitches sale?

Does this sari make me look fat?

Be honest.

It's not the sari.

Ouch, baby.

Remind me never to go shopping with you.

I was joking.

Here, try this.

It's cute.

Mm.

It's a bit too big for me.

In what world?

Oh, fuck you, and fuck your energy drink.

Babe, seriously, you need to stop drinking that shit.

- It's haram. - Haram?

Look at the back. It has taurine in it.

It's the bile of a bull mixed with the blood of a pig.

- Blech. - You chat so much shit. Move.

This is cute. What are you talking about?

It didn't look like that on me.

Promise me you're gonna stop drinking that shit.

I don't want you to go to hell,

because you need to be up in heaven with me.

Says the girl who had three guys

Keep your voice down.

Don't twist that story. You know I was depressed.

Doctor told me to increase

so I took inspiration from the ancient Mughals.

Oh, fuck the ancient Mughals.

This would go perfect with my mujra outfit.

Mm, cute.

So, how was the basement gig?

This crazy thing happened.

I met this guy.

He was white, straight, from Essex.

He had these, like, mysterious green eyes

and these big arms.

We kissed.

Sounds hot.

He didn't know I was a queen.

Was he blind?

You've done this before.

Only once, but this time,

- Oh, God. - What?

Oh. I think I'm ovulating.

Oh, give over.

3 With you Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

3 With you Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Hi, excuse me.

Does Luke Tilson work here?

Uh, yeah.

He, er, he does.

You didn't leave a number.

- Right. Out here. - Oh, okay.

I promise I'm not a stalker.

How did you find me?

Googled Luke Tilson,

Tilson Mechanics, Essex.

Hi.

Sorry to show up like this, but it's kind of an emerge..

My friend who drives me to my shows,

well, he's pulled out last minute.

And like I said before, I don't drive,

I'm meant to be driven.

So, this is gonna sound crazy, but now I can't actually

which is a really big deal, 'cause this Asian millionaire

is throwing a one-off private mujra party.

It's just dancing. It's not sex work.

Well, we just... we just dance.

But now I can't get to this party tonight

because if I don't make my rent by Tuesday,

well then, I'll have to get kicked out of my flat,

and then I'll be evicted, and then...

Alright, alright, alright. Yes, well...

What's... what's this got to do with me?

I need a lift.

You want me to take you?

Yeah.

I'll pay the petrol.

Not a chance.

And I'll give you 200 quid.

Come on, it'll be fun.

It's only Birmingham.

Birmingham?

I have nowhere else to go.

2007

Cash.

Well, wait here.

She's a bit tasty, isn't she?

You kept that quiet. What does she want?

Eh?

Uh, a lift.

Tonight. To Birmingham.

She's... she's doing some show. She's a dancer.

Oh, good on you, boy.

You deserve it.

Go and get hold of it.

No. I don't know.

- I mean... - What?

- What about you and Jay? - What? You didn't say no,

Eh? Listen, if you don't drive her there

and give her a good banging, I'll do it myself.

I raised you, didn't I?

Eh?

Emma has moved on.

Alright.

So, tell me more about you.

Not much to tell.

What do you want to tell?

Nothing.

You're honest. I hate that.

Imagine if everyone in the world was honest

It would be messy.

But exciting.

I like your style.

It's manly.

Manly really suits you.

Alright, just 'cause I'm driving you,

Okay.

I'm a top anyway.

So, now that we've got that out of the way,

let me tell you more about me.

When I was younger,

I used to think that White City

And that turkey ham was pork,

but it's actually just turkey pretending to be ham.

How tragic is that? So weird.

I can't be the only one that thought that.

You talk a lot, don't you?

Yeah, I do.

I mean, why not?

I've got a lot to say, you know.

And I like talking.

How old are you?

I'm 26.

No way.

We're the same age.

Uh, no, I'm 27.

Been a mad year.

Can I ask?

Hmm.

Like...

What are you, like, a tranny?

No.

And it's best you don't use that word ever again.

Like ever.

Sorry.

I'm a drag queen.

But fuck labels.

My only pronouns are icon and legend.

Made you laugh.

When I was younger, I was super scared

that my family would find out about the real me.

So, I secretly went to my imam to be cured.

He said I had to marry a woman.

I said, "Well, can I marry your daughter?"

He said, "No."

I said, "Exactly."

No man in their right mind

would let their daughter marry a femboy like me.

What do your folks think about what you're doing now?

They're dead.

Sorry.

Sorry to hear that.

It's okay.

My mum...

She died.

I'm sorry, too.

Thanks.

It was...

It was mental health. That shit's fucked.

Yeah.

Yeah, it really is.

Thanks.

You alright?

- Can't handle it. - Don't usually do these.

Fruity.

Fanta. My favourite.

Oh fuck.

I can't see for shit in this light.

- Thanks. - It's alright.

Okay, so when you meet my friends,

don't believe anything they say about me.

Gaysians can be fake as fuck.

Gaysians?

Ergh.

Look at all these crumbs.

Get in.

Oh. Oh my God. Rehana, I'm stuck.

- Rehana, I'm stuck! - No, you're not!

Oh my God.

Hun, you look lush.

Oh, thanks. I don't feel it though.

Yeah, I'm not even gonna lie, you should

Bitch, fuck you and your Jheri curls.

This is Zina, aka Zina Jaan, aka Auntie Z.

Or as I like to call her, "crusty old brown bitch".

Ugh. She's just jealous, 'cause everyone loves me

and half the scene hates her skanky arse.

Call me "Zina", babes.

I'm Rehana and unlike these two, I actually

Oh!

And this is Saira.

I... I'm Luke.

- Is that all we get? - I think so.

Alright, who's excited for mujra?

Yaaaasss!

Put your seat belts on. This is not an Asian car.

Have you seen these tits?

Whatever. You ain't my mum.

No, we're all stuck.

It's because of her fat ass.

Guys, I'm stuck. I'm stuck. I'll just open it.

You should just behave.

Right, ready?

I thought you were leaving.

Let's make some money!

My wiiiiiig.

Move your pussy over, you're squashing me.

In what universe am I squashing you?

Don't get me started on both you gandus.

Luke, what do you think?

Is Rehana's phudi too big for your car?

What?

I would answer, but I don't speak...

Er... Don't say Indian.

Bitch, what you saying about Indians?

Nothing. That's the problem

Ah, you know.

If you have any questions about anything tonight,

just ask me.

Woo!

Oh, please. If you have got any questions...

just ask me and suck my nipples. Just...

Come on, you bitches.

Don't make me come back there and slap your phudi.

Be careful with her. You'll lose a hand.

It's not even funny.

Man, it's cold. How long have

I don't know. I think we're

That is such a shit roll up

Don't look. It's Karen. It's Karen.

Why the fuck is she here?

Hiiiii!

Be nice.

Hey!

Hi!

Hey!

Hi Zina.

Hi Karen.

You're going to mujra, too?

I'm so happy we're all doing this together.

- Salam alaikum, honey. - Walaikum salam.

Muah. Muah.

Oh my God, Aysha. You look absolutely stunning.

Oh, thanks, babes.

MashaAllah, your skin is like milk

You look gorgeous, too.

And you know, that colour really makes your eyes pop.

Thanks. But my voice getting croaky, huh?

Well, stop smoking more than me then.

Oh, hello. And you are?

- Luke. - I'm Karen.

Hi.

Hath nai laga. Yeh gora shezada mera hai.

Aysha sauchti hai yeh Mark Wahlberg wala scene hai.

Acha? Calvin Klein wala Mark Wahlberg.

Mujhe Boogie Nights wala Mark Wahlberg zada pasand hai.

Let me guess. You're talking

- I need to pee. - Did you tuck?

Silly girl. Go, go pee.

- I'll be a second. - Alright.

So, Mr Luke, and you are what exactly?

I work in a garage.

Sounds fun.

So, how long have you been seeing Aysha for?

No, no, we're just mates.

Ah, I get it.

What's that muscle arm our hiding?

The fuck you doing?

Just a little joke.

You are gonna make so much money.

And the dick wasn't even that good.

Janu, come meet Luke.

Luke, this is Faiz.

Look at her.

Isn't she gorgeous?

You wouldn't think she's 30.

I thought she was 26.

All queens lie about their age.

Come, let's go, innit.

Ta-ra, darling.

Nice getting to know you, Lukey.

Kuttis. Come on.

- Bye, guys. - Bye.

Bye.

Ugh. Fucking chutney queen.

I bet she's still selling bottled water.

Fucking whore. I could smell her cock-breath

I know, they're fake as fuck.

Have you seen the padding?

Girls, we don't want to be late.

Otherwise, they're gonna get all the tips.

Oh yeah.

Oh my God, I love this one.

- Where are all the people? - Inside. Pretending

Pretending not to have wives.

It's a secret event.

Password only.

And you don't quite pass as gaysian. Sorry.

Eh, it's cool, alright. I'll wait in the car.

Night of a thousand randis.

Looking forward

The password is "Night of"

Oh, shit.

I need a break, and I thought

Oh, thanks.

This is my costume.

Alright.

Hold that a second.

About 410.

- Fuck me. - Mm-hmm.

Sweet.

Everything comes at a price.

It's just what price you're willing to pay?

Look at them over there.

What do you notice about them?

They seem happy enough.

I get death threats.

All of us queens do.

I don't even know how they got my number.

I get emails, too.

Shit.

Fucking hell.

Jesus.

My friend Ali was happy.

He disappeared like a year ago.

No one even talks about it.

But there's only ever two outcomes.

Forced marriage abroad or jumping off a bridge.

Are you okay?

No.

Not really.

So much fun, this scene.

Right.

Gonna go make the rest of my rent.

Alright.

Hey, girls.

Come off her, you prick!

Faiz, babes. Chill out!

Bitch!

What's she doing?

Come on, babes.

What's this? Astro '067?

What's that?

Astro '067?

No, it's '08.

Uh huh..

The '06 has got more pop to the engine.

You did an engine swap, innit?

I, uh, prefer Beamers.

Chevvies.

And Daewoos. Got more personality.

Fuck you smiling for, boy?

Get off me.

You think you're the only white boy with

Once she takes you to the top of the mountain,

you gotta come all the way back down without her.

Don't touch my fucking neck.

Fucking bitch, fucking bitch!

Get off me! Get off me!

Just leave it. Fuck!

Don't touch her. What the fuck do you think

What? Come on.

Fucking stay put

Fuck!

Oh my God!

- Come here, come here. - Fucking bitch!

Fucking stop it.

Stop it.

Stop it, yeah?

Calm down. Just calm down.

I'm sorry.

Take me home.

Please.

You alright?

Yeah.

So, what happened?

Simple.

Karen loves Faiz, but Faiz doesn't love Karen.

Faiz married Karen, but Faiz loves me.

And I don't love Faiz.

So, now Karen hates me.

That ain't simple.

Yes, it is.

Everyone wants what they can't have.

Not being funny, but I thought

I'm offended.

Really, I'm offended.

Really, I am.

Sorry.

I nearly forgot.

Here.

Thanks.

I'm saving up.

Hmm.

I wanna take my boy to Disneyland.

You never said you had a kid.

Oh.

Well, what's his name?

Jamie.

Cute.

Unisex.

I like it.

How old?

He's 5.

Let me see a pic.

Yeah.

Here he is.

He's so handsome.

Is his mum still around?

Sorry.

Silly me.

It's alright.

No, she ain't.

Made me lose count now.

Don't worry, it's all there.

Yeah, right.

Not long now, you'll be home soon.

Would you have had sex with me the night we met?

If I was a woman?

Yeah.

But you're not.

Thank you.

For everything.

It's cool.

Alright, bye.

Wait.

I could clear 1200 quid a week.

If you drove me regularly,

I could get to more venues faster.

I could do like four private parties a week.

You need money.

I need money.

I'll agree to a 70-30 split.

I already work like every day.

Exactly.

All my shows are at night.

We'll only do London and Essex.

They're best paid anyways.

I can't be away from Jamie.

I thought you were saving for Disneyland.

Fine.

But I'll only work after my boy's asleep

65-35.

No.

Alright, Del Boy, 60-40.

You know, you can make like 480 a week,

and you won't be needed for more than two hours,

so that's like 60 pound per hour.

Jesus, your maths ain't half bad.

Honey, I'm Asian.

Alright, I better go.

Okay.

Oh my God, It was so good in there.

Payday for us.

4 Told me that was all over

That was the first time ever.

Oh my God! Teach me, teach me

Put your jaw in and just...

- I did one! - Oh yes!

Aysha! Aysha!

Aysha! Aysha!

Aysha! Aysha! Aysha, Aysha! Aysha! Aysha!

You'll be like "Tell Me That'..."

Alright.

Gimme 140.

You got it all wet.

Oi. Get off her. That's it. Oi. Get off. Hands off.

Alright, that's enough.

Let's get you out of here.

Hi.

Yeah. I'm dropping him off

But I had an idea first.

Hi.

I'm Aysha.

What's your name?

Don't just sit there. Go on.

Tell her your name.

Jamie.

Nice to meet you.

Do you want to shake my hand?

Well, go on.

Oh, um.

It.

Hm.

It.

- It. - It

Missed me.

- It. - It. Oh, I see.

Is it? It.

It.

- It - AYSHA: Oh.

Who's it now? I'm confused.

I don't know. You. It.

It

Alright, three for four, four for five.

Aw.

Come on, come on.

You!

Watch Dad!

He needs to sit down.

Yeah, he needs to sit down.

You having a good time, then?

Yeah. Thanks for asking me to come.

- Oh yeah, that's alright. - I came for this one.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

She's trying to steal you from me.

I want her to steal me.

- Oh! - No, you don't.

How you doing that in heels?

Oh, save me, Jay!

Yeah!

- Whoa! - I'm a big monster.

This is horrible.

Ashiq, beta.

- There you go. - Thanks.

Why didn't you say you were coming?

Baba and Hammad are at the mosque.

I wanted to surprise you.

Best masala chai in the world, you know.

Hmm.

You're trying to butter me up.

I'm not a bloody piece of toast.

I'm still mad at you.

For three months, it's...

It's too long not to see your mum.

Sorry.

But I got you this.

I know.

Oh.

That is so beautiful.

Yeah, and look at all the gems.

- Oh. - My colour?

Yeah.

And this kajal eyeliner.

- Oh. - It's waterproof.

Thank you, darling.

Oh.

Quick.

Before those boring men come home.

Come on, you used to love this one.

Oh yeah, let's see your hands, Mum.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, new moves.

Come on, push your hip out. Come on.

Booty.

Stay close to the water line.

I am.

Don't worry, it won't sting your eyes.

You do it.

Fine.

Come here.

Look up.

No, but keep your head down.

But just look up.

Oh my God, do you want me to do it or not?

Okay. Just stay there. Okay.

Yeah.

You seem different.

Happy.

Have you met someone?

You have, haven't you, you sneaky bugger?

Now tell me all about her.

Who is she?

I hope she's treating you like a prince.

There's nothing to tell.

I know when you're lying.

You know, you should wear eyeliner

- Mm-hmm. - It actually suits you.

- Mm. - Mm.

Changing the subject.

We're back!

Avi giya.

Look who's here.

Arree, Salam Aleikum, beta.

Aleikum Salam.

Kem che, beta. Ka kho was giyo? Saru che?

Saru chu, papa.

Well, it's good to see you

even if you are forgetting your Gujarati.

And uh...

Aava lambaa waar oi kho divas?

It's fashion.

This is what the Jane Malik has, huh?

Zayn Malik?

Zayn, Jane. Same-same.

Still last century.

Dad.

Dad?

Sorry. Papa.

Let's all eat together.

Oh, no, I can't.

I've got to get the train back to London.

I've got a shift tomorrow morning.

Aree, beta. It's good you're working

but bad that you won't stay for dinner.

- Chaal khaalay. - No, no, no.

Come.

Come, I'll make you a doggy bag.

Chaal.

Aa su che? Huh, huh.

Doggy bag.

Tilson on the ball.

- Are you kidding? - I know, I know.

You have to pick it up.

I'm doing it.

Oh, come on, Jay. Kick it back.

Oh. What a stop.

Come on, come forward, that's it. Good lad.

Well, kick it back.

Mummy!

Hi!

Oh, come here.

I've missed you so much.

Did you miss me?

- Yeah. - Yeah, I've missed you

Did you get me a present?

Yes, I got you a present.

But we've got a lot to catch up on first, yeah?

Your hair's different.

Barely recognized you.

I'm done up north.

I've moved back down.

I'm staying with Becky.

Why didn't you say anything?

Well...

I just want to be closer to Jamie.

Oh. What shall we do?

Um, go and play.

Yeah, go and play. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Fuck.

How do you know this?

I'm putting eggs around in the bath.

Oh my God.

Oh God, you scared me.

Daddy, you scared Mummy.

Yes, he did.

I didn't know Mummy was coming over, mate.

Where's Gary?

He said he wanted to go shopping.

Shopping?

Yeah, he asked me to do bedtime.

He said you were working late.

Okay, right, my little chicken wing.

Two more minutes then we're getting you out.

He wouldn't let me go till he was asleep.

Who's that for?

I don't know. Dad left it.

That's sweet.

So what's this new night job that you're doing?

Just a bit of cash-in-hand on the side, driving gig.

Nice.

I've been thinking.

And I've... I've already spoke to Gary,

but I think we should just forget

I was just angry before.

I thought we could just come to an agreement.

You know, ourselves,

about when he's with me and when he's with you.

And...

As friends.

But he lives here?

Yeah, of course.

I don't have a flat yet, but one day when I...

When I get one, he could stay

I want to be a better mum.

And I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry to you and I'm so sorry to Jamie.

As soon as I got up north,

I realized I'd made the biggest mistake.

It was never about him anyway.

It was always about us.

You know that.

This has all just been a lot, hasn't it?

Thank you.

So, what's Gary been saying?

What's he not been saying?

He said, "Life is like a penis,

and women make it hard for no reason."

Oh, fuck off.

- He didn't say that? - Yeah, I swear on my life,

Fuck's sake.

And then she goes, "Who? Who killed her?"

And I said, "Oh, well, you know,

No one's sure,

but most people think it was the paparazzi."

Nanny jumps out of her chair,

runs into the other room shouting to her mate Doris,

"Doris! Doris! Princess Di

Doris goes, "No fucking way.

Who killed her?"

Nanny goes,

"It was Pavarotti, the fat bastard."

- You don't find it funny? - No, it was good,

It was so funny.

Yeah, the opera singer.

She got a hearing aid as well?

No, yeah, she does.

But that's not the point.

You don't get it.

I do, I do, I do.

- Yeah, yeah. - It's funny, it's funny.

- I'm not funny. - Yeah, you're not funny.

- That was funny, though. - Yeah.

It was, you had to be there. Obviously.

Mummy.

Do you want to sleep in there with him?

Hm.

- Yeah. - Mummy.

I'll crash on the sofa.

It's cool.

Mummy?

Thanks.

Hello, darling.

I assume you don't want to come in for a drink?

Like a quick after work drink?

Yeah, as colleagues.

Okay.

Okay.

Ignore the mess.

Oh, you can just dump it here.

- Just there. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool.

Cheers.

Sorry, yeah. Cheers.

Let's play a game. I'll go first.

Truth or dare?

Truth.

Okay. Um...

Ask me a question.

Any question.

Um.

I don't know, I can't think.

Okay.

You go first.

Very good. Truth?

What do you find sexiest about me?

Your eyes.

Fuck off.

Wait, wait, wait,

Sorry.

I do want you. It's just... it's just...

It's just what?

No, it's not, come here.

Come here.

Go home.

No. Just shut up, come here.

Go home.

Don't fuck with my head.

Fuck it.

What?

I'm sorry. I'm...

Am I just a dirty fantasy

What? I mean... Why are you?

No. Why?

Why are you saying all this shit?

Look...

I ain't done this before.

Hey.

- There's some lube... - Stop talking.

Wait.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Like this.

Like this.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Oh shit. Jamie.

Oh. Fuck's sake.

Oil Come here!

It's alright, it's alright. Wait there, alright.

I'll call an ambulance now. Breathe. Just breathe.

Help! Ambulance!

I can give you more painkillers in an hour.

It's not life changing, but it was acid.

So you'll have scars.

You're awake.

I just went to get coffee.

What's going on?

- Hey, what's up? - Please go.

I don't want you here.

I can't leave you on your own, can I?

Hey, come here.

Nurse! Nurse!

What's going on?

Make him leave.

I think Mr. Darbaar needs to rest.

Yeah. I can't...

Just fucking go!

AYSHA, VOICEMAIL: Good little doggy. Leave

Aysha will get back to you. If you need a bone.

I was just uh... Just seeing how you are.

Call me.

I guess I just got used to all the death threats.

There's nothing you could have done.

Karen's a total psycho.

But they've got her on CCTV now,

And then we can all forget about her.

You know it's not your fault, right?

Hm.

Ashiq is staying with us for a while.

I'll take my bag up.

You okay?

Why did someone do this to you?

How?

My baby.

I don't understand.

Su che?

Su che, dikro?

Do you remember when I was 77

And you found me crying?

You asked me why I was so upset.

I said it was my best mate Tom.

He had a girlfriend.

You said I should be happy for him.

But what I didn't say was...

I wanted to be his girlfriend.

Mummy, I've...

Shhh.

Enough.

Never say this again.

Papa must never know.

Never.

I love you so much.

I love you too, Mummy.

Ya Allah, thank you.

It's okay.

For bringing our family together

And for having Ashiq under our roof,

where he belongs where he's safe.

LUKE, ON VOICEMAIL:

Yeah, I went to the hospital

and they... they said that you were discharged.

So, can I come see you?

I don't understand what's going on.

Now don't get me wrong. Like I love her and all that,

Get in there, you slag.

Aren't any fucking cherries...

But I don't need the stress.

I'll just leave her a couple of days

Let her miss me.

And then I'll go around and say sorry, buy flowers.

Bring her home and treat her like a wifey.

LUKE, ON VOICEMAIL: Hi, it's me. Again.

Yeah, just, you know, just seein' how you are.

Just ea yin' the same thing again,

Er, call me.

- Yeah. - Mummy, don't go.

I'll be back soon, I promise.

Yeah.

- Love you. - Love you.

Okay, goodbye.

Ya Allah, please give him the strength

and guidance to once again rise up his head with pride.

Bring the rest, beta.

Ameen.

That's what he needs to do. He needs to pu..

Go on, go on.

Oh, for fuck's sake, ref.

Should have gone to Specsavers

Look. Oh, get up. You're like a bird.

You broke your eyelash, love, have you?

Hey, hey, you broke it. Come on, you Hammers.

Show me, show me. Come on, you Hammers.

- Hammers! - Hammers.

- Hammers. - Hammers.

Hammers.

- Good boy, good boy. - Hammers!

I feel as if I'm on the right path now.

Good.

AYSHA, VOICEMAIL: Good little doggy.

Leave your message after the tone.

Aysha will get back to you. If you need a bone.

Hi, can I help you?

- Luke. - Alright.

Should have called.

Without my face on, I look like a pork pie.

The chunky pastry bit, not the pork, obviously.

You know what I mean.

How do you know where I work?

Can we talk privately?

Girls, can you give us a moment, please?

Thanks.

Thanks.

Where is she?

Out of hospital.

Is she back at the flat?

No, she's at her parents.

Nothing like your mummy's cooking to make

What?

I'm... I'm...

I'm going mad.

She ain't answering my calls. I don't... I don't know

Listen, the Aysha you know doesn't exist.

She's Ashig now.

I don't even think she leaves the house.

Well, can you give me the address?

No.

- No, I can't. - Come on.

Mm-mm. She'll kill me.

She's miles away.

I don't care, please.

Alright.

Hi.

Uh, I'm Luke.

I'm a mate of Ashig's from London.

Can I see him?

Wait.

Alright, I'm Luke.

I'm a mate of Ashiq's.

Is he in?

My dad's not home.

And uh, he doesn't like strangers in the house.

So...

Right. But I'm here to see Ashiq, aren't I?

Not your dad.

So, can you tell him I'm here?

Like, now.

Like, right now?

Thanks.

I understand that you and Ashiq are friends.

Yeah.

How long have you known each other?

Umm.

Well, it's been quite a while.

Uh, a couple years or so.

Hm.

How did you meet?

We met at the... at the garage.

Uh, my... my dad runs...

Sorry. My uh... my dad, he runs a garage and um,

I work there.

Juice?

Yeah, thanks.

You're welcome.

Yeah, so I-I...

He came into the garage and um, we just got talking.

Ashiq doesn't own a car.

Right, yeah.

Uh...

It... it wasn't...

It was his mate's car.

He came in with his mate and um,

yeah, the exhaust was done in.

Do you know

Yeah.

I heard, yeah.

That's why I wanted to see him.

If Allah brings you to it, He can bring you through it.

It must be tough on all of you.

I've got a son.

He's 5.

Here he is.

Thanks.

I can't imagine if anything like that happened to him.

Yes.

I'm sorry to question you.

You're a father.

You understand.

We must always protect our children.

Hammad, bring your brother down.

No.

Let him go up.

Hammad, take him up.

Come on.

He's in there.

I got your address from Zina.

She made me work really hard for it.

Don't be mad.

Not as hard as your dad just made me work, though.

You've changed.

You're suddenly funny.

Miss Teddy.

Cute.

It's healed pretty well.

I don't need your pity.

I don't pity you.

I miss you.

Can 1?

I deserve what happened.

No, you don't.

It's God's way of punishing me.

Everything happens for a reason.

What?

Well, why did we meet then?

What's the reason for that?

That's bollocks.

You're just being a victim now.

Fuck off.

I know you. And you don't believe

I know you don't.

- What are you doing? - What the fuck.

- No, if my dad sees this... - Well, he's not gonna see.

Come on, let's go. We can drink in the car.

No, I'm not going out.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Sitting in here won't do shit for you.

Come on.

Seriously, this isn't helping the situation.

Alright, fine.

Drink 'em in here then.

One of my faves, yeah.

Alright, that's me done.

We better go.

If we're too long, my mum will think

I got you a little something.

Thanks.

Well, aren't you gonna try it?

Okay.

What?

I think this is the end.

Of Aysha.

She wasn't real.

Well, she felt pretty real to me.

Shut up, come on.

Don't make me choose between you and my family.

I'm not.

Aren't you?

You're the one who said your parents are dead.

I'm sorry I lied about them.

Yeah, it was fucked up.

I was telling you about my mum.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

But this...

You...

Aysha...

I can't do this anymore.

It's all about you, isn't it?

You'll find someone.

You will.

They'll love Jamie.

Don't talk about my son.

I need a driver.

I'll agree to a 70-30 split.

What about your family?

I'm saving up for therapy.

Lots of it.