Original subtitles

Previously on:

So, what have you been up to?

I started a new software company

with my old partner Billy Stanhope.

You really think we can finally build the electric suitcase?

Yes. We have the technology now.

Something you should know.

It's about your ex-wife.

What, Bridget?

Yeah. I'm, uh...

kind of sleeping with her.

What? Wait! Hey!

Morning.

It's 2:00 p.m.

So?

It's Saturday; I slept in.

It's Sunday.

Really?

That's disturbing.

So what did you do last night that you had to sleep all day?

One thing at a time.

I'm still trying to figure out what happened to Saturday.

Jake, you're gonna graduate high school in a few days.

Don't you think it's time

to start getting your life together?

I will if you will.

What?

I will certainly consider that, Father.

This is serious.

You will never amount to anything if you sleep all day.

WALDEN: Morning.

I'm sorry, I was distracted

by the naked billionaire that just woke up.

Shut up and eat your damn cereal.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Man, I did not think Jeremy was ever gonna stop talking.

Yeah.

That guy really puts the "dict" in "valedictorian."

Thinks he's so great just 'cause he's going to Harvard.

Where is Harvard anyway?

Dude, didn't you learn anything in high school?

It's the capital of Connecticut.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Harvard, Connecticut.

What'd you think was the capital of Connecticut?

"C."

(laughs)

You're an idiot.

I don't know why I hang out with you.

'Cause you're gay.

Well, what does that make you?

Attractive.

So are your parents giving you a hard time about your "future"?

Oh, yeah.

Both my mom and my dad.

I'm sick of hearing it.

Yeah. "If you're not going to college, you need to get a job."

Where do they get this stuff?

Beats me.

So what are we gonna do?

About what?

Our future.

Oh.

I could go for some frozen yogurt.

Good idea, man.

Let's go.

Should we take our robes off?

No, no, leave them on.

They'll attract smart chicks.

Come on, Judith. He's your son too.

I have videotape of him shooting out of your body.

Yes, I've talked to him

about his lack of plans, but it's like talking to a wall.

A very good-natured, but dense wall.

Of course I'm concerned, but what do you want me to do?

No, I'm not gonna ask Walden to give him a job.

Because it would be an imposition.

Yes, more of an imposition than me living there for free.

Okay, okay, if it'll get you to shut up, I'll ask him.

She's never gonna shut up.

Okay, okay.

Good-bye, Judith.

(scoffs)

I am so thankful I have you in my life.

What about my son?

What about him?

You're gonna ask Walden for a job for Jake, but not Eldridge?

Of course not.

I was just gonna hold Eldridge back to sweeten the deal.

BILLY: I have a question.

What?

Why didn't you order adjustable chairs?

I did.

Mine's adjustable.

Well, wait.

How'd you do that?

This lever right here.

I don't have a lever.

Hmm?

Well, that's too bad, you being so short and all.

You did this to get back at me.

I don't know what you're talking about.

For sleeping with your ex-wife.

Do you really think that I am so petty

that I would pay a chair manufacturer an extra $480

to remove the adjustable height feature?

That is crazy talk.

How's everything down there at the Lollipop Guild?

Hey, guys.

Am I interrupting?

Hey, Alan.

Just thought I'd bring you by

a little office-warming dieffenbachia.

Ah, thank you.

Looks like you got the place up and running.

We're getting there.

Electric Suitcase, Inc.

Very, very impressive. (laughs)

What can I do for you?

Oh, nothing. I just came to drop off my gift

and wish you well.

Okay.

Okay, well, I'll get out of your hair.

Uh, nice to see you again.

Yep. Always a thrill.

Oh, there is one thing.

Here we go. Here we go.

Um, you know Jake just graduated high school.

Oh, hey, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the ceremony.

Oh, don't be silly. No one expected you to.

You know what? Here...

why don't you give this to him for me.

Ooh, a hundred dollars.

I will make sure he gets this.

What? I-I don't even know the kid.

Oh, of course not. (laughs)

Um, anyway, I was just wondering, um,

since you've started this exciting venture

and obviously you're hiring,

that there might be an opportunity here for Jake.

He's not going to college?

Not unless he's delivering pizzas.

Uh, probably true,

but he has a good heart,

and I'm afraid if I can't find him a decent job,

he might have to sell it.

Okay, listen, Alan, I'm sorry.

I-I like Jake,

but I just don't think we have anything for him here.

Oh, oh, okay.

I understand. You know, he's just my kid.

Our future. But, um,

but thanks anyway.

Oh, wait, wait. Hold it, hold it.

Yeah? Yeah?

Does he know anything about computers at all?

Not per se, but he is eager to learn.

He's like a sponge when it comes to soaking up information.

No, he isn't.

Will you at least give me the sponge part?

Yeah, if you lay him on a wet spot,

he might absorb liquid.

Why are you being such a jerk, man?

Let's give the boy a shot.

Billy,

I've seen this kid spend an entire afternoon

smoking dope and trying to lick his own nipples.

Who amongst us hasn't... done...

Look, we will... we will take him on, okay?

Billy... He'll be my responsibility.

Oh, thank you so much. You will not regret it.

Yes, you will. I will send him right over.

Oh, one more thing,

uh, my girlfriend's son needs a job too,

but you're gonna love him, he's...

blonde. Bye.

Okay, I'm telling you right now,

this is a bad idea.

How did you do that?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, fellas...

this is the heart and soul

of The Electric Suitcase.

300 state of the art,

high bandwidth servers

all working in tandem.

Cool. Awesome.

Any questions so far?

Uh, yeah. Is there a cafeteria

or do we order in?

There's a cafeteria on the 14th floor.

Oh. Cool. I got a question.

Yes?

Do they have donuts?

Was I lying?

I don't know if I have donuts.

That's okay. It's not a deal-breaker.

Glad to hear it.

Uh, okay, guys...

all you have to do between now

and 8:00 tomorrow morning,

is watch the lights on these servers, all right?

If a green goes to red,

it means the drive is about to fail

so all you do...

you pop it out

and you replace it

with a fresh one from right here.

Got it. No problem. All right.

Oh, and there's no smoking dope in this building.

No, sir. Absolutely not.

Not inside the building.

Or outside the building.

How about the roof?

No.

What about before we come to work?

No!

What about brownies?

There's no pot, period!

No brownies, no God, no roof, no outside, no inside.

No problem. All right.

Good.

Oh, and we just want to take this opportunity

to thank you both for this great opportunity.

'Cause let's face it, it is an opportunity.

And it's great. Opportunity.

Remember, this is on you.

Oh, and on a personal note,

thank you for the graduation money.

It's my pleasure.

A kid my age can always use an extra 50 bucks.

You know,

I kind of like this whole "working for a living" thing.

It feels good, you know?

Responsible, grownup.

Absolutely.

All right, we have successfully downloaded

40,000 hours of porn.

That's a lot to watch two minutes at a time.

I just hope Billy and Walden don't notice

that we're using their hard drives.

Don't worry. I've labeled every movie "personal."

Oh. Good thinking.

Oh, red light. I got it.

Nicely done.

We got this job nailed, my man. Yeah.

And the best part is,

we are in on the ground floor of the company.

(beeps) Oh, another one.

Allow me.

Maybe they'll give us stock options and we'll be rich.

What exactly is a stock option?

It's a call option on the common stock of a company,

issued as a form of cash compensation.

If the company stock rises,

the holder of the option

generally experiences a direct financial benefit.

Where'd you learn that?

Wikipedia. It's not just for term papers.

The point is, we're gonna be rich.

(beeps) Oh, another one.

Cool. So we'll have our own planes

and yachts and chicks.

And tons of pot. Chicks with pot.

Chicks with pot in bikinis.

Naked chicks with pot.

On a yacht.

I like that a lot.

Uh-oh.

That's not good.

Yeah. Why are they all going bad at the same time? I don't know.

It's like there's some sort of virus.

Like the kind you get when you download too much...

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Maybe we should call Billy!

No, we can do this!

Okay, we can't do this.

Call Billy! Call Billy!

Hello?

Billy, it's Jake.

(hissing)

I just want to start once again

by saying how grateful we are for this opportunity.

It's great.

How did this happen?

Oh, I... I don't know.

Well, faulty wiring or, uh, cheap hardware...

Definitely not a porn virus.

Shut up.

How could you guys do this?

I went out on a limb for you.

I believed in you.

Well, thank you.

It was... it was a wonderful opportunity.

Oh, great opportunity.

So, when do we get paid?

(chuckles wryly)

Okay.

Yeah, you can't. I know their parents.

Hey. What are you guys doing here?

I thought your shift didn't end till 8:00 a.m.

Well, we got done early.

Oh. Everything go okay?

I was kind of worried

you might burn the whole place down or something.

Well, it wasn't "or something."

How am I supposed to find jobs in the next 24 hours?

Beats me.

It's like our parents are clueless

about how bad the economy is.

Yeah.

You know what,

instead of working for someone else,

we should start our own business.

I like that.

We could find some adventure capitalists

and become, um-- what do you call--

entrepraneers.

Yeah. It's not like we don't have our own good idea.

We have great ideas.

Hey, maybe we can put other food on a stick and sell it.

Yeah. Pizza on a stick.

Pizza sticks.

Pie.

Pie sticks.

Fish.

Yeah, what are we going to call those?

Fish-sicles!

Genius!

Yeah.

MAN: Excuse me.

Did I hear you guys say

you're looking for jobs?

Yeah.

Why?

Maybe it's me.

I'm an idiot magnet.

ALAN: Hey.

Yup.

Hi.

How you doing?

Not so good.

Yeah, yeah, we heard, and we're so, so sorry.

So, so very sorry.

Yeah, well, thank God the files are backed up

and insurance will cover most of the damage.

That's great news!

Yes. Phew!

(laughing)

You do realize that your children are not normal.

Well, yeah, but, you know, what's normal?

And-and in Jake's defense,

he never would have done anything like this

unless, uh, you know.

(chuckling nervously)

"You know" what, Alan?

Well, I didn't want to, you know, say anything

but, uh, but clearly there's a bad influence involved here.

I mean, I don't want to point any fingers,

but, uh, his name rhymes with "smeldridge."

(Lyndsey scoffs)

Oh, my God.

You-you can't be serious.

My son had never been in trouble in his life

until he met your son.

Never been in trouble?

He tried to counterfeit money

with a computer and an inkjet printer.

The government dropped the charges.

Only because there's no such thing

as a $25 bill.

LYNDSEY: Yeah? Yeah? Well,

well, what about when Jake stole your brother's Mercedes

and lost it in Topanga Canyon?

He didn't steal it. He borrowed it.

And he was only driving it because my brother was drunk

and someone had to take his hooker home.

In Topanga Canyon, which is where she lived.

You are always making excuses for him.

And you don't excuse Eldridge?

LYNDSEY: Hey, he went through a very rough divorce.

ALAN: And Jake didn't?

LYNDSEY: Well, at least your wife traded up.

Wh-what is that supposed to mean?

Really? That was too subtle for you?

Hey, everybody, good news.

You don't have to worry about us finding work.

You-you got a job?

Yeah. It's not just a job though.

It's an adventure.

What?

We're gonna be all we can be.

Oh, oh, no-no, you didn't.

We didn't what?

Join the Army.

Yeah, we joined the Army. How'd you know?

You need to listen to me.

They are not normal.

Uh, hiya.

Hi.

Looking for a new career?

Um, I'm 44 years old.

That's okay.

Today's Army is all-inclusive.

You can be as old and as gay as you want.

Uh, well, that's-that's good to know.

Um, uh, but I-I actually wanted to talk to you

about my son, Jake Harper.

Harper. Harper.

Oh, yeah, wants to be a drone pilot.

Yeah, he told me.

He thinks it's like a video game.

Oh, it is.

It's exactly like a video game.

Except we blow up real people.

Yeah, actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Um,

I love my son,

uh, but more importantly,

I love my country,

uh, which is why I don't think my son

should have access to flying bombs.

Or really any kind of weapon.

I mean, between you and me,

I've seen him try to pick up spilled food with a fork

and stab himself in the leg.

And not just once.

I understand your concern, but our training is unsurpassed.

We take boys and turn them into men.

I know you think that...

...but you don't know him like I do.

He's 18, right? Yeah.

Not currently on probation or under indictment?

No. Is this his signature?

Yeah.

Then if he passes the physical,

he's signed, stamped, and off to camp.

I see.

Oh, look, al-Qaeda!

It's just a copy!

Hey, guys, you like video games?

Congratulations, Jake.

I know I'm only your stepdad, but I'm real proud of you.

Thanks, Herb. Were you ever in the Army?

Well, the KISS Army.

But I don't think that really counts.

You think Mom's ever gonna stop crying

before I go?

(sobbing quietly)

My guess is no.

Don't worry, Mom.

I'll be fine.

I'm a grown man now.

No, you're not.

You're my bigheaded baby.

(sobbing)

(piano playing "Pop! Goes the Weasel")

So, Berta, are you gonna miss me?

Nah, why should I miss you?

You're just an extra toilet to clean.

That is, when you hit the toilet.

(piano playing "Pop! Goes the Weasel")

Don't worry, Grandma. I'll make you proud of me.

I've always been proud of you, darling.

In my own way.

(piano playing "Pop! Goes the Weasel")

Thanks for everything.

Come here.

(piano playing "Pop! Goes the Weasel")

Look at the bright side, Dad.

You won't have to buy me clothes anymore.

They're gonna give me a dress uniform,

a work uniform, and even one for when I'm tired.

What?

Yeah, they call 'em "fatigues."

I don't know why they just wouldn't call 'em pajamas.

Oh, my son, my son.

(piano playing "Pop! Goes the Weasel")

You be a good boy, and you do what you're told,

and promise me you'll be careful.

Don't worry about me.

Worry about our nation's enemies.

I am worried.

* Men. *

DRILL SERGEANT: Come on, you lazy pukes!

Move it! Move it! Move it!

When do we start flying the robot planes?

(grunting)

(straining): I don't know.

Maybe after lunch.

No, we're going on a five-mile run after lunch.

No, I'm gonna skip that.

I want to take a nap.

Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

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