Original subtitles

Previously on:

It's spring break this week,

So Zoey and her daughter are going to stay here.

I'm going to need you to move out for the week. (grunts)

Where you staying? I'm just going to have to stay with Lindsey.

There's someone in the house. Go look.

Ow! What?!

I'm sorry!

No, no, don't touch it!

I'm bored.

*

I can't do this, Berta. It's just too much.

She just never stops.

So, how are things going living with Zoey and her daughter?

It's good. It's good.

Oh.

How's living with Lyndsey?

Oh, it's terrific. That's great.

So, if I could get rid of them... Yes, 100 times yes.

Men...

Okay.

Zoey...

you know I love you, and...

I want to live with you forever.

But we got to lose the kid.

Yeah, probably not. (clears throat) Okay.

Hey, have you ever thought of Swiss boarding schools?

Hi! Sh...

She's out like a light.

Really? How? Did you drug her?

I didn't think we were allowed to drug her.

She's worn out from playing with you all day.

She's not the only one.

(stammering) Listen...

I've been thinking about this

whole "moving in together" thing.

It's all right. I admit, I had my doubts.

But you have been so wonderful with her.

Thank you.

This little girl loves you so much.

Really...

You're all she talks about.

The sun rises and sets with you.

Huh...

Look at what she made for you.

Wow...

So, you win. We're all yours.

I mean,

there's a million details to figure out

before we can move in permanently.

First and foremost, where she's going to go to school.

Have you ever considered Switzerland?

(laughs) You're kidding, right?

I'm ki.. of course! (chuckles)

Why would I want her so far away?

Let me put her up to bed. Then we can start making plans.

Great.

Mommy? Hmm?

Where's Walden?

Oh, I'm right here.

I love you, Walden.

I love you...

(chuckles)

Just like I planned it.

(knocking)

Hey, roomie!

You got here quick.

Yeah, Lyndsey asked me to fix the garbage disposal

and I didn't like the odds.

So, uh, did you talk to Zoey yet?

Yes, I did.

How'd she take it?

Well, I... yeah, let's...

Did she cry?

No... Yelling?

No. There was no yelling.

Yeah, I know that I said that I wanted to get rid of her

and have you come back...

Oh, no!

You know, I, I love her.

Oh, no!

And I, I love the kid.

No!

I'm just going to have to make it work.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Alan, I'm sorry.

Okay, okay, I'll... I'll figure something out.

If nothing else, I am a survivor.

(snorting)

Okay, very funny. Survivor, I get it.

(panting)

Oh, come on! I feel bad enough already.

Help me...

911!

Oh, okay. I'll play along.

Here, would 100 dollars

make you better?

You're not kidding? (panting)

Not kidding...

Don't die.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

I want him to have the best possible care.

So, whatever it takes, I'll pay for it.

(chuckles) You're going to have to.

The man's got the worst insurance policy I've ever seen.

What do you mean? He's got a $500,000 deductable.

A $500,000 deductable?

Even at our prices, he ain't gonna

hit that with one heart attack.

All right, well, I'll just... I'll take care of it.

Just check the box "Domestic Partner."

Oh, no, we're just buddies.

We got no buddy forms.

Yeah, but... Just check the damn box.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

I guess there's nothing to do now but wait.

Forgive me for being callous,

but don't you think this heart attack is a bit convenient?

What? Come on.

He tries to weasel his way back into the house.

You tell him no

and he falls to the ground, clutching his chest.

You think he faked a heart attack?

I think he'd fake a shark attack.

How do you fake a shark attack?

I don't know. Ask Alan.

Harper?

Yeah, right here.

Okay, well, your boyfriend's going to be fine.

(sighs) That's great.

Uh, he's not my...

It's great.

It was the form. It was just easier.

Um, did he actually have a heart attack?

It was a mild one, but yes. Told you.

He should be fine. He's just going to need rest

and as little stress as possible.

For how long?

I don't know, at least a month or two.

Great...

That's why we gave up women. Am I right?

It's a compelling argument.

Hi.

Hi, Walden.

How ya feelin'?

Fan-tastic.

I'm on a morphine drip.

Everyone should have a morphine drip.

There would be no more war.

Listen, the doctor said

that you... had a little heart attack,

but you're going to be fine.

(heart monitor beeping steadily) Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I remember now.

Zoey's moving in and...

I'm... I'm moving out.

(heart monitor beeping faster)

No, you're not moving out.

I'm-I'm not?

No, you can stay as long as you want. As long as you need.

Oh.

(heart monitor beeping slowing)

Oh, that's... that's so good to hear.

Thataboy.

I just... I just want you to not worry about anything.

I won't.

Okay.

You just relax and feel better, okay?

Okeydokey.

Hey, Walden. Guess what?

What?

I'm peeing right now.

No kidding.

But it's okay.

There's a tube attached to my wiener.

I don't think there is.

Oh...

Men...

EVELYN: My God. He's going to be okay? WALDEN: Yeah.

He just needs to take it easy.

(sighs) I don't know what I would do

if anything happened to him.

(Evelyn sniffles)

I've already lost my good son!

Do you happen to know if they validate parking?

JAKE: So, are those tubes putting stuff in

or taking stuff out?

I think a little bit of both.

Oh, I get it.

It's like eating on the toilet.

(whispering): So, what did the doctor say?

Uh, he just said he needs to take it easy.

You know, no stress.

JAKE: Then I guess we shouldn't tell him

about what happened at school.

JUDITH: No, we definitely should not.

Honest to God, someone put that pot in my locker.

Why would they do that?

That, my friend, is the million-dollar question.

Look, Lyndsey,

I know you're his girlfriend,

and I know you'd like to take care of him, but...

I kind of feel responsible for this.

And I'd like him to stay with me until he recovers.

Fine. Let's go get some coffee.

Men...

WOMAN: Wake up, Alan.

(chuckling moan)

Is it spongebath time again?

You wish.

What's going on?

Who are you?

Ah, Alan, that hurts.

Don't you recognize your own brother?

Men...

What is this, some kind of sick joke?

Charlie's dead.

You're dubious. Understandable.

When you were 14 years old,

you went to your first boy/girl party,

and you were really nervous

because they were going to play spin the bottle.

Yeah?

So, before you left the house,

I convinced you that the grownup way to French-kiss

was to spit in the other person's mouth.

You hocked a big loogie down Marcy Bilson's throat

and she'd kicked you in the nuts.

Ah, come on, everybody in high school knew that story.

Answer me this:

What are your five favorite words to hear from a woman?

"I can't spend the night."

(whispers) Charlie...

At your service.

I don't... I don't understand.

Are you reincarnated or something?

Nah, I'm in hell.

Walking around in this old broad's body

is supposed to be some kind of eternal damnation.

You know what?

The joke's on them.

Boobs are still boobs.

So, why are you here?

I thought you could use a little help.

I have been through a rough patch.

You look like you've been through a propeller.

I came here to tell you it's not too late

to turn your life around.

How?

Stop being a parasite.

Step up. Be a man. Grow a pair.

Uh, parenthetically, this body actually has a pair.

They dangle right under my hooha.

Did not need to know that.

Point being, you lived on me for eight years

and now you're living off this new guy.

Now, now, hang on. W-Walden's my friend.

He invited me to stay with him.

Oh, kiss my surprisingly tight ass.

You're nobody's friend.

You're a useless appendage, like tonsils,

or the nutsack under my hooha.

I see hell hasn't mellowed you out any.

Listen to me, you got to get out

of that guy's house and make a life for yourself.

I suppose I could go live with Lyndsey.

You're missing my point.

I'm not suggesting that the tapeworm

find a new colon to crawl into.

Hold out your hand.

Thank you.

This is your last chance, Alan.

Move out of that house. Get your own place.

Start pulling your own weight in the world.

Okay. I will.

You'll see. I can change.

Good.

Then my work here is done.

Well, thanks, Charlie.

You got it.

Oh, uh, (chuckles)

Before I go...

(unzipping): ...you gotta check this out.

Oh!

Oh!

Was I lying?

Tell me that's not disturbing.

Men...

What do you want me to do, Zoey?

The last time I asked him to leave, he almost died.

Well, what does that mean?

He lives with you until he actually does die?

No, just until he gets back on his feet.

The man has no feet.

He is a footless man.

Okay, come on.

What about his mother? Why doesn't he live with her?

They don't really get along.

What about his girlfriend?

They don't really get along.

Oh, God.

So we're stuck with him forever.

The man is the herpes of houseguests.

(doorbell rings)

Come on. That is not fair.

You're right.

Herpes sometimes disappears for a while.

Surprise!

Alan.

Herpes.

What? They let you out?

Oh, no, no. I checked myself out.

I didn't want you to have to pay one more penny for me.

Oh, come on.

The money is not important.

What's important is your health.

No, what's important is that I stop being a parasite

and stand on my own two feet.

ZOEY: You have no feet.

What was that?

It's Zoey.

I'll be right there, honey.

I'm just going to grab my stuff, and I'll get out of your hair.

Are you sure?

I am positive, Walden. I-I have had an epiphany.

I need to make a big change in my life.

Wow.

Where will you go?

Oh, I found a cute little place online.

Uh, you know, it's not much,

but, uh, at least I'll have my pride.

I don't know, Alan.

Let the man have his pride!

Uh, here's my address for mailing stuff.

If this is what you want...

It's what I want.

It's what everybody wants!

Don't listen to her.

Oh, no, no. She's right.

She's an angry, cold-hearted tea bag!

But she's right.

What did he say?

He said that you were right.

Men...

No, Jake.

If I'm not living at the beach house,

you're not living at the beach house.

Yeah, well, sometimes life just isn't fair.

Well, sure you can visit me where I'm living now.

But, uh, you're not going to have your own room

or your own bed or your own bathroom

and... you might need to have a tetanus shot.

But I'd love to have you.

Okay, you let me know.

Okay, good night.

All right.

It's not much, but...

it's mine.

I am self-sufficient.

And beholden to no one.

(caws)

Oh, that's not a good sign.

(cawing)

Men...

ZOEY: It's odd...

But now that Alan's finally gone,

I actually kind of miss him.

Yeah, me too.

Walden, I'm kidding.

Oh, yeah, me too.

(chuckles)

So...

Now that we have the house to ourselves,

what would you like to do?

What I would like to do

is you.

And where I would like to do it,

is on every flat surface

in every room of this house.

Mm. Mm.

Woo. Hey.

Oh. Jake.

This is my friend, Gabby.

Hi! (giggles)

We're going to go hang out in my room.

Uh, Jake, uh,

hold on.

Have you spoken to your father lately?

No, I don't believe I have.

Look at the bright side.

What bright side?

He might share some of his pot with us.

Men...

CHARLIE: Wake up, buttercup.

Oh. Hey, Charlie.

So, what do you think?

I finally got my own place.

Fantastic.

You're not sponging off that rat, are you?

There's a rat?

Nah, I'm just kiddin'.

He's dead.

But aren't you proud of me? I mean, I did what you said.

I'm standing on my own two feet.

Yeah. (chuckles)

Sucker.

What?

I had to come back from hell to do it,

but I finally gotcha out of my freakin' house!

But I-I-I thought you wanted me to be a better person.

Nope.

What? So you were just screwing with me?

Yep.

Why?

I'm in hell, Alan. That's kind of what we do.

Whoa!

What a horrible dream.

What's so horrible about it?

(gasps)

(sighs)

Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo.

Still here.

(snorts)

I can do this aaalll night.

Men...

(sighs) Okay.

How do we sell this? Uh...

911...

911!

Come on. You can do better than that. Uh...

Ah...

(gasps)

(panting): Help me.

Call 911.

(grunting)

Am I dying or taking a dump?

Ah.

Call 911... Call 911...

Yeah, that's it. Okay.

Showtime.

(knocking)

Alan...

Don't, don't worry. I'm not moving back in.

I just forgot a few things.

Yeah, like your son?

Wait. Jake's here?

Yeah, and his girlfriend.

Ah, (scoffs) you know, damn that kid.

I told him I was moving out and he was not to come back here.

But does he listen to me? No.

You know, no one ever listens to me and I...

Call 911.

Call 911. Oh, no, not again.

Hold on. I'll get help.

Son of a bitch.

What's the matter? Couldn't find a shark?

Men...

So, what do you think, Doc?

We won't know until we get all the tests back,

but right now, his heart appears to be perfectly fine.

WALDEN (sighs): Thank God.

So how long before I can take him home? ZOEY: Walden?

I am sorry, Zoey, but I am not going to have

this man's death on my conscience.

I'd like to thank the Academy.

There are no small parts...

only small apartments.

I don't think you're allowed to smoke in here.

Does that include the joint you just blew in the bathroom?

How'd you know about that?

Call it women's intuition, taterhead.

Whoa, the only person that ever called me "taterhead"

was my uncle Charlie.

So, what does that tell ya?

I have no idea.

Screw it. I'm going back to hell.

Ready, ladies?

You bet. We are.

Then let's go.

And me with with just a nutsack.

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