All language subtitles for BoJack.Horseman.S02E06.Higher.Love.1080p.NF.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-SNEAkY.Eng

As your accountant, I felt it
necessary to do this in person.

Us, too. Because we're
really accounting on you...

- No.
- to get in on the ground floor of this...

No, don't do this. Please, God, no.

...PB Livin' product.

Has this ever happened to you?

Whatever it is, it hasn't happened.
Nothing has ever happened to me.

- You say you love a toasted bagel.
- I would never say that.

- I have celiac disease.
- Ding. Bagel's ready.

- But wait.
- Son of a...

- Hey. That bagel was too fast.
- No.

That's why PB Livin'
presents, the Bagel Catcher.

- For all those hard-to-catch bagels.
- No, no. Stop. Enough. Enough.

Stop talking! I can't take it anymore!

PB Livin' is filing for bankruptcy.

- I'm shutting you down.
- I thought you were a customer.

I don't get what's happening.

What's happening is you two
knuckleheads threw thousands of dollars

into a bunch of dumb ideas.

You paid 50 grand to a
bunch of kindergartners

for the movie rights to the game "tag."

Our business manager was
over the moon for that.

Business manager? Who the
hell is your business manager?

Business-wise, this all seems
like appropriate business.

You two are done.

This company is more in the
red than Carrie on prom night.

So, what you're saying is, we're just
one great idea away from breaking even?

No. You're... [grunts]
You are out of money.

Mr. Peanutbutter, you need to get a job.

- Are you hiring at your accounting firm?
- Dude, no.

I'm waiting for my agent.
He'll be with me any moment.

Mr. Peanutbutter is going back to work.

Yeah. He's probably just organizing
all the amazing opportunities.

I haven't heard from him in years,
so they've probably been piling up.

Maybe I should just go check on him.

[knocking on door]

Hello, Ronnie? It's your
favorite client, Mr. Peanutbutter.

Well, I'm coming in. I hope
you're... Oh! Oh, my God.

Ronnie, how'd you get
that belt around your neck,

then caught on the filing cabinet,
which made your pants fall down

while you were researching pornograph...
Oh, I see what happened here.

[♪♪]

[upbeat theme music playing]

[in unison] Morning time, Hollywoo.

- I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type.
- And I'm Some Lady.

Here's a thing written on a card.

Last night, major Hollywoo agent Ronnie
Bonito was found dead in his office...

Ruh-roh.

...in what authorities are calling
a mishap of a sexual nature.

- What does that mean?
- You know, auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Auto-a-what's it who's it?

Oh, is that that thing
where you strangle yourself

in an attempt to
heighten sexual arousal?

It sure is.

[hosts laughing on TV]

Coming up, a food truck that
serves just one thing: gravy.

Did you hear that? New food truck.

- We should go.
- I'm in.

Hey, can I get some lunch
money? It's pizza day today.

Sure thing, sport. Wait,
where is it pizza day?

- In my tummy.
- Oh...

Hey, BoJack, would you zip me
up? My shoulder is killing me.

I'm not sleeping right. We need
to do something about that bed.

Just because I'm nocturnal doesn't
mean I wanna be up all night.

- I propped it up with a Golden Globe.
- It still wobbles.

- Yeah. Anyway, I got you something.
- Oh.

A beeper? BoJack, it's great,
but you know, I already have one.

Yeah, you have a beeper, but I don't.

Now, you can page me whenever you want.

Huh. BoJack, I love it, and
you're gonna love it, too.

There's all kinds of codes
we can send each other.

"Zero, zero, zero" is "call me,"

and "1-2-3" is "I miss you"
and "8-0-0-8-5" is boobs.

What? Boobs? Oh, my God.

What scamp came up with that one?

Okay, I gotta go. Dinner tonight?

Totally. Let's hit that gravy truck.

Okay, love you.

Uh...

Uh...

No, I don't.

Aw... "I love you. No, I don't"?

Uh... Keys.

Uh-oh.

[grunting]

[girl cries]

Get out.

[BoJack yells]

[tires screeching]

[cars crash]

Hold it. Hold the elevator.

Ooh. Ah. Ee. Ow.

Goddam it. No. No. Ow.

Oh. Ow. Oh...

Coffee? Hup.

Rutabaga, this day already sucks.

My heel broke while I was
at this new food truck,

and I spilled a handful
of gravy all over myself

because they don't
sell bowls, just gravy.

Should've gone to the bowl truck
first. That's where they get you.

Well, I guess the upside to
being invisible around here

is that none of these assholes
will ever notice what a mess I am.

Well, if it makes you feel any
better, I see what a mess you are.

[chuckles] Aw...

Do you need the movie-star speech?

No, no, I'll be okay. And how are you?

Gotta look at paint for the new kitchen.

I have to pick a shade that won't
clash with the splatter of blood

from when I blow my brains
out after talking to Katie

about paint swatches all day. [laughs]

We do have fun.

So, what's the plan for today?
Find a new agent, go on auditions?

No, I'm gonna do exactly what landed me
Mr. Peanutbutter's House, oh, so long ago.

Wander around L.A. with an open mind

and an empty stomach
until I get discovered.

But also, like, find a new
agent and go on auditions, right?

Or should I start
stealing food from work?

I'm just gonna go with the flow
and leave everything up to destiny.

- Que sera quesadilla.
- You know we could lose the house, right?

- [laughs] Diane.
- Right?

Diane, Diane, Diane.

[door opens then closes]

- Diane.
- Aah!

I wasn't stealing paper towels
to use as dinner napkins. Why?

Here's a funny question for you:

If Mr. Peanutbutter said,
"I love you. No, I don't,"

would you need to talk about that
later and figure out what he meant?

Probably not, right? Because
they're meaningless words?

I mean, language evolves, right?

How can anyone know what anything means?

The answer is nobody can.
Nothing means anything.

So why bother talking about anything?

In this scenario, are Mr.
Peanutbutter and I living in our house?

Or are we squatting in an abandoned
Barnes & Noble burning books to keep warm

as we struggle through our
Dickensian-style poverty?

Uh...

[beeper plays ringtone]

"Zero, zero, zero." No
idea what that means.

I think it means "call me."

Ignore. Wait, where's the ignore button?

How do I ignore?

I think with a beeper,
you just ignore it.

- With what, my mind?
- You seem a little stressed out.

That's because as soon
as I'm done with work,

I have to have a long,
awkward conversation

with Wanda about our relationship,
unless... I'm never done with work.

Diane, you magnificent
bastard. That's it.

I'll be out there in the stands.

And I'll be rooting
for you, Secretariat.

Mm. Yeah.

[groans]

Your line is, "And I'll
see you at the finish line."

Yeah, I know. I'm acting. Great.
Now I gotta start all over.

Settle in, folks. We
could be here a while.

[groans]

- Ow! Ooh.
- Ah, Princess Carolyn.

So good of you to join us eventually.

Sorry I'm late. I had the worst morning.

You know who had an even
"the worst-er" morning?

- Ronnie Bonito. Because he's dead.
- He is?

He decided to strangle the dirty dangle

and now that sweet chariot
has come for to carry him home.

Everyone who was here on
time is taking a moment.

- Of silence?
- Yes.

Also to reach out to his former clients.

- To offer their condolences?
- Yes.

Also to recruit them
to the Vigor roster.

- A Vigor agent is a vigorous agent.
- Who do you want me to call?

I have ins with a bunch of Bonito's
clients including all the major J's:

- Law, Lo, Leno, and J. Abrams.
- Oh, that's wonderful news

in the parallel universe in
which you were on time today.

In this reality,
however, we're all good.

You can lap up the leftovers though.

- "Mr. Peanutbutter"?
- Oh, and Princess Carolyn?

Get your shoe fixed.

You look like a woman from
an '80s deodorant commercial.

[inhales sharply]

Here I go. Destiny, don't
fail me now. [grunts]

Yeah. Hitting the pavement.

This is how it happens
for a guy like me.

[grunts] Ew...

Out of my way, flyer.

Ugh. Flyer. Why do you have to be
on my shoe in front of this store?

Wait, a second. Shoe.

Store.

Shoe store? Shoe store.

"Team players wanted"?

Oh, I'm such a good team player,

I make all the other team
players look like garbage.

Lady Footlocker, meet your lord.

Finish... [grunts]

line.

Great, we got it. We got one take.

And now we gotta stop for the day.

What? No. Why stop now?

- I'm just getting warmed up.
- Union rules. We're done. Go home.

Go home?

Why go home when we could extend
this long day's journey into night?

- Drinks on me, folks.
- I could use a drink.

- Or six.
- Great, Corduroy's driving. Let's go.

[Corduroy] Ah...

- I really needed this, BoJack.
- Me, too.

Yeah, man. This day's
been really hard on me.

Ever since I heard about that agent
who died from that blue-face blastoff?

- Blue-face blastoff?
- The strokey chokey?

- The two-neck squeeze?
- What?

You know, the one hand
on the Adam's apple,

the other one's on the Adam's banana?

Oh, right. Right.
Yeah. The auto-erotic...

That could've been me. I used
to really be into that stuff.

I was a hardcore gasper.

Can't believe you have
so many names for it.

Now I can't stop thinking about it.

I shouldn't even be alive right now.

Don't need to talk
about how you masturbate.

- The orgasms you get...
- Okay, I guess we do.

It's like seeing a rainbow,
but with all the colors.

- So, like a normal rainbow?
- But it's too dangerous, man.

They say if you bite down on a
lemon right at the point of climax,

the lemon juice gives you the jolt
you need to not pass out and die.

But still man, you're
just... rolling the dice.

Okay, this is getting really graphic.

Can we maybe talk about anything else?

- Sure.
- Thank God.

Hey, man, it's funny you should mention
God, because my new thing is... the Bible.

Uh...

Tell me, have you accepted Jesus
Christ as your Lord and personal savior?

So, noose-wise, what are we talking?
You use a standard sailor's knot

or more like your average
birthday-present bow?

[grunting softly]

[sighs]

- I beeped you, BoJack.
- Oh, hey. About this morning...

- It's fine.
- Because when I said that...

I said it's fine. You don't love me.

That's okay. I don't love you.

- What?
- Good night.

[upbeat theme music playing]

[in unison] Morning time, Hollywoo.

- I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type.
- And I'm Some Lady.

On today's show, I sit
down with Hank Hippopopalous

to discuss his new smash hit,
Hey, I Think You Can Dance.

Can you talk about your process?

When I see someone, and
I think they can dance,

I say, "Hey, I think you can dance."

And when I think they can't dance, I
say, "No, I don't think you can dance."

- And that is pretty much it.
- Fascinating.

- So, last night when...
- BoJack, it's not a big deal.

You don't love me, I don't love you.

We're having a good time. It's fine.

Can't just say, "I don't
love you" to someone.

- You said it to me.
- Yeah, but that was different.

- How was that different?
- Because you do love me. Right?

- Like a little bit?
- No.

Uh, for what it's worth,
I love both you guys.

Shut up, Todd. Grown-ups are talking.

Here you go, ma'am.

[women laughing and chattering]

Jessica Atkinson, come on down.

Mr. Peanutbutter?

Would you like to see what's in
box number one or box number two?

Either way, it's a
brand-new pair of shoes!

[women clapping and laughing]

Oh.

Hup. Carolyn.

- Rutabaga...
- Coffee?

I was thinking about you last night

while Katie and I were locked in a
fascinating debate about counter granite.

And what if I told you I used
to work Ronnie Bonito's desk,

and I happen to know that
he had a client so hush-hush,

- it wasn't even on the master list.
- What? Who? Tell me. Whoa!

[alarm ringing]

Beloved novelist J.D. Salinger. What?

The author of Catcher in the Rye?

- And... others?
- Yuh-huh.

- Isn't he dead?
- He's "reclusive."

Dude wanted to be left alone
so much, he faked his own death.

Oh, my God.

Why are you giving this lead to me?

- Because I like you, dummy.
- Huh.

Now we gotta wait for the fire department
to come let us out of this elevator.

- Hey.
- Corduroy, what are you doing here?

I need a favor. Can you
hold on to this for me?

- Ew. Is this your Bible?
- No, no, no.

- It's my choking-off kit.
- Your kit?

Yeah. It has all my supplies.

Silk ties, a leather
gag, velvet sock. Lemon.

You gotta take this off my hands.
I can't trust myself with this.

I don't know if I want your
jack-off kit at my house.

Please. I got this
girlfriend. She loves me.

If I fall back into the old
gasp-and-goo, it'll break her heart.

Wait. So, you're saying
if someone loves you,

they don't want you to choke
yourself while masturbating?

Yeah. It's really dangerous.

- All right. I'll take it.
- Thanks, BoJack.

I still don't understand
why you need a kit.

Can't you just use,
like, a belt or a rope?

Oh, I guess.

I mean, I guess you could use anything.

I mean, you could use an iPhone charger,
a shoelace, a necktie, a jump-rope...

[Carolyn] Hm...

Oh. Ooh.

- Oh, hello. I'm looking for some...
- Sorry, no looking allowed.

This store is for customers only.

Okay, then, I would like to buy a
bicycle. What would you recommend?

- One with a bell, or...?
- You got me.

I don't know anything about bicycles.
I'm J.D. Salinger. I faked my own death.

Mr. Salinger. Such a pleasure.
Princess Carolyn, big fan.

Let me guess, Catcher in the Rye?

And others.

- I wanna say The Hobbi...
- Nope.

Look. I'm an agent.

It doesn't matter whether
I've read your work.

What matters is I can look you in
the eye and tell you I'm a big fan.

The world is ready for your
comeback, and I wanna help.

No, thank you. Not interested.

Did that before, didn't work out well.

Fans were relentless.
The critics were cruel.

And that's why my motto is,
"It's better to be alone."

Which, come to think of it,

is probably why I don't sell
a lot of tandem bicycles.

But, J.D. Salinger,
you are J.D. Salinger.

You are a goddamn American treasure.

But every time I go out in the
world, people hound me about my books.

Well, book.

What if I told you there was a
place where no one reads books?

I'm listening.

A place where people only read
headlines, lists and pictures.

A place where people
hate reading so much,

they hire others to do it for them
and don't even pay a living wage.

What do you mean, like,
modern reading slaves?

Exactly.

And all those modern reading
slaves really wanna be doing

is writing things that, one day,
other people will also avoid reading.

- Does such a place truly exist?
- Come with me, J.D. Salinger.

Let's go to Hollywoo.

Hup!

Oh... [sighs]

- Hey.
- Hey.

- We need to talk.
- Okay.

You're probably wondering what
this beautiful mahogany box is.

- I wasn't wondering that.
- It's my auto-erotic asphyxiation kit.

I've decided to do
the funky Spider-Man.

- What? Funky Spider-Man?
- I came up with that one myself.

Because he hangs,
then he shoots webbing.

Wait. Are you saying you want to
auto-erotic asphyxiate yourself?

Yes. I do.

Even though it's very dangerous

- and I could die.
- Oh.

Now, if you love me, you probably
wouldn't want me to do it.

- Okay. I get it.
- Since you don't, I should do it, right?

I mean, there's no reason
not to... unless you love me.

- Do it.
- Wait. Seriously?

Seems like you've
already made up your mind.

If you're that set on
it, knock yourself out.

[laughs] Only if I do it wrong.

Because as I mentioned
before, it's very dangerous.

- Have fun.
- I'm serious. I'm really gonna do it.

Great. Put a towel down.
Not one of the good ones.

[upbeat theme music playing]

[in unison] Morning time, Hollywoo.

I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type.

And I'm An Actress Or Something, I
don't know, sitting in for Some Lady.

- Whoa. What happened to her?
- She got kidnapped.

Oh, boy.

[laughs] Oh, my. Ooh, wow.

Oh, hey. Look who survived
to masturbate another day.

Well, I didn't do it yet, obviously.

If I'm gonna do it,
I'm gonna go all out.

A big job like that needs lumber,
and pulleys, lemons, so forth.

I'm not gonna half-ass anything.
This is my orgasm we're talking about.

Okay. Well, I wish you all the best.

- Not too late to stop me.
- I'm not gonna stop you.

- Good 'cause don't.
- All right, we're in agreement.

Stop fighting!

Can't you two see what
this is doing to me?

I've been acting out. [grunts]

Have a great day.

Todd? Get in the car.

It's time to get serious
about auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Hooray! Question mark?

Just play it cool, Todd. No one
needs to know why we're here.

Excuse me, I'm looking for something
that will hold up a lot of weight.

Let's say something that could hoist
up a horse comfortably by the neck.

Not for suicide purposes.

I'm trying to have a
more fulfilling orgasm.

The world wept when news
broke that J.D. Salinger died.

- [gasps] J.D. Salinger died?
- But I'm here to tell you, he didn't die.

[gasps] J.D. Salinger didn't die?

As one of the 20th century's
most celebrated authors,

J.D. Salinger has inspired
countless dreamers,

eighth graders and
occasionally, assassins.

His spare lyricism and
devotion to character

will undoubtedly translate into a
penetrating dramatic work for this,

the golden age of television writing.

J.D. Take it away.

I wanna do a show where people
ask celebrities trivia questions.

- What?
- Like a game show?

Yeah. You know because
since they're famous people,

I think normal people would wanna
see if they know trivia and stuff.

You know, like, Hollywoo stars
and celebrities, what do they know?

Do they know things? Let's find out.

What a hoot. I love it, and I don't
use that word with just anybody.

What do you call it?

I call it Hollywoo Stars and
Celebrities: What Do They Know?

Do They Know Things? Let's Find Out.

It's maybe more of a working title.

I can see it on the marquee already.

- Must be a long marquee.
- It's long.

Yeah, yeah. The celebrities
can also do physical challenges.

Oh, it's perfect.

We've been searching for a companion
for Hey, I Think You Can Dance.

But wait, wait one
second. Who's gonna host?

Huh. I've got the perfect guy.

Who wants to be in Nike Airs?

Claire, you are looking off the
charts "gorge" in those tennis shoes.

But let me ask you this:
Would you like to buy a towel?

Because I'm throwing one in for free.

- He's perfect.
- [Wanda] Mm-hm.

Mr. Peanutbutter?

How would you like to be the host of
J.D. Salinger's new celebrity game show?

What? I knew destiny had a plan for me.

You know, it just goes to show,

with the right attitude,
every single one of your dreams

will always come true.

And if your dreams don't come true,

it's probably because you just
didn't have the right attitude.

Today, one agent did something
that no one else could.

I'll give you two
hints: catcher and rye.

Oh. Nothing. It's nothing.

Charley Witherspoon caught a rye
bagel coming out of the toaster.

- Come again?
- It was coming fast and hot.

One day, some genius will
invent some sort of bagel catcher

that takes the guesswork
out of this task,

but until then, Charley
gets a gold star.

- Thanks, Dad. I mean, Mr. Dad.
- Oh...

Oh, boy.

Hey. Wasn't sure if I'd see you.

Still alive? Because auto-erotic
asphyxiation is so risky?

Well, here I am, for now.

BoJack... Wait. Did you fix the bed?

Yeah. I was at the hardware store

picking up supplies for my
auto-erotic asphyxiation machine.

Because, as you are aware,

I'm preparing to auto-erotic
asphyxiate myself.

Figured I'd get stuff for the bed so you
could at least get a good night's sleep.

Okay, BoJack.

Wanna talk about the
elephant in the room?

Wow. Okay. You know what?

You know what? Here's... First of all...

Wow. All right, I can't even... [groans]

You know what? I... [scoffs]

Wow.

He is never gonna forget that.

What is this all about?

This isn't about anything but
the pursuit of the kind of orgasm

that feels like a
rainbow with every color.

- So, a regular rainbow.
- No.

So, if you don't mind, as
long as you don't love me,

I have a noose to step
into. [clears throat]

I just need to release this lever,

drop these bags of sand,
which act as counterweights,

and then just pull this nozzle.

- Perfect.
- Okay. Have fun.

- Wait, Wanda. [grunting and choking]
- Okay, fine, you stupid baby.

I love you.

I... [coughs] I knew it.

But I'm not going to tell you
not to do the funky Spider-Man.

- [coughs] What?
- You need to be responsible for yourself.

- That doesn't sound like me.
- I know.

But if you love me,
too, you won't do it.

[gasps then grunts]

- I thought so.
- Okay.

Just for the record, I never really
wanted to do this in the first place,

Me not doing it is not
a sign that I love you.

- It's just because I'm a coward.
- [chuckles] Okay.

- I don't love you.
- Sure, you don't.

I don't. Come back
here. I don't love you.

You don't make me feel less broken.

I don't get it.

I singlehandedly got a Lady Footlocker
store employee a primetime show

and resurrected a certified
dead man and nobody cared.

- Why do I do anything?
- [Rutabaga over phone] Hey.

Do you need the movie star speech?

[sighs] Yeah.

Okay. Carolyn, you are
the star of a movie.

This is the part of the movie
where you get your heart broken.

Where the world tests you,
and people treat you like shit.

But it has to happen this way.

Otherwise, the end of the movie,

when you get everything you
want, won't feel as rewarding.

There are assholes out there,
but in the end, they don't matter.

Because this movie's not about them.

It's never been about them.

All this time, the
movie's been about you.

Thanks.

- Carolyn?
- Yes, Rutabaga?

I think Katie and I
are getting a divorce.

Corduroy? I don't want
this thing anymore.

Corduroy?

Hey, you decent, man?

[gasps]

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪

- ♪ I'm BoJack the Horse ♪
- ♪ BoJack! ♪

♪ BoJack the Horse Don't
act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to
hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long I
don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'll just try
And make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪

♪ BoJack! ♪

Boxer versus raptor.
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na.