Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[lion roaring]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[indistinct chatter]

[audience applauding]

[instrumental music]

Well, that's all, Gibraltar.

You keep on eating between meals

and you'll ruin your figure.

And, uh

if you keep on fooling around that gorilla

he'll ruin your figure. Hm.

[growling]

He's a snob.

Come on.

Really, Jeff, even though Gibraltar likes you

I wish you wouldn't take so many chances with him.

Oh, Julie, if I thought that would make you worry about me

I'd move right into the cage.

It might seem a little cramped

after that house of yours in Newport.

Newport? Where have I heard that before?

Oh, I remember. That's something in my dim, dark past.

- Are you sure it's past? - Positive.

You like running a circus, don't you?

I like everything about it. But everything.

Mm-hmm, that's what you say now, but the smell of sawdust

can get awfully monotonous after a while.

Young lady, that's no way to talk to your boss.

And now The Wilson Wonder Circus

presents a sensationally new modern feature

that outstanding star, that exciting personality.

Ms. Julie Randall!

There's my cue.

Point killer.

[instrumental music]

♪ Step up and take a bow ♪

♪ Don't be modest don't be shy ♪

♪ Show that thoroughbred look in your eye ♪

♪ Step up with grace and pride ♪

♪ Take that oompah oompah oompah-pah ♪

♪ In your stride ♪

♪ Each heart begins to beat in rhyme ♪

♪ Oompah-pah oomph in three-quarter time ♪

♪ Maidens swoon and ladies pine ♪

Wonderful, isn't she?

Yeah, she's alright.

But whoever heard of anyone singing with a horse act?

Well, the audience likes it.

♪ Be gallant ♪

♪ Take a bow ♪♪

[audience applauding]

At this time, presenting that muscular marvel

the strongest man in the world

Goliath The Mighty!

[instrumental music]

[roars]

[music continues]

[thuds]

[audience applauding]

And now the mighty Goliath

will catch three one-hundred-pound balls

shot from cannon.

[indistinct chatter]

[drumroll]

[cannon shoots]

[audience applauding]

[instrumental music]

[audience cheering]

[drumroll]

[audience laughing]

[cannon shoots]

[audience cheering]

[drumroll]

[cannon shoots]

[audience laughing]

I'll fix you!

[drumroll]

[audience laughing]

Mr. Carter. Where is Mr. Carter? Mr. Carter.

Hello, Joe. What's new? Don't tell me now.

I got no time. I gotta find Mr. Carter.

Hello, Nick. How's the wife? Tell me later.

I'm in a hurry. I gotta find Mr. Carter.

- Hello, Sam. And that's all. - Hello.

[instrumental music]

You see, Jeff, I'm in kind of a jam.

- Hey, Mr. Carter. - Just a minute, Tony.

Something's come up. I've gotta have the 10,000 I loaned you.

But it isn't due until Saturday night.

That's right, Jeff, but unless you have it for me

I'm afraid I'll have to take the circus over to raise the money.

I'm in an awful spot.

Well, that won't be necessary, John.

I'll have your money for you tonight.

- You'll what? - 'Hey, Mr. Carter.'

Shut up. I'm talking.

- Did you say tonight? - Yes.

With today's receipts, I'll have enough to pay you off.

I'll give you your money, on the circus train, tonight.

Hm. That's fine.

- Uh, if you please, Mr. Carter. - What is it?

Can I have a month off next August?

- What for? - Well, you see..

I just got word from my lawyer. He got me a divorce.

And one month every year I win the custody

of my wife's parents.

Take it up with Mr. Wilson.

[instrumental music]

- Mm. - What's the matter, boss?

That Carter, he making trouble for you?

Well, he's doing the best he can.

But don't you worry about it, Tony.

Uh, you know what I say?

Whenever you got business trouble

the best thing to do is get a lawyer.

Then you got more trouble, but at least you have a lawyer.

- Thanks, Tony. - You can count on me, boss.

I ain't got nothing, but you can always have half.

That poor Jeff.

He's in plenty trouble.

Trouble. Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble..

Trouble.

[typewriter keys clacking]

This will bring him pretty quick.

- It's a straight wire? - Hey.

- I think I bent it a little. - Hm.

[typewriter keys clacking]

Let's see now.

Hey, what's the idea, reading my telegram?

Well, I've gotta count the words, don't I?

Alright. Go.

Ten words, fifty-five cents.

Fifty-five cent? Hey, you got something a little cheaper?

Well, we've got regular form telegrams for congratulations.

- That's 25 cents. - Well, that's fine.

Send him "Congratulations. Just got a big case."

Sorry. Congratulatory messages apply only to special occasions.

- Huh? - For example..

Suppose somebody gets married. That's a quarter.

- It ain't worth it. - No.

I mean, suppose your sister had a baby.

- You'd send her a telegram. - What for? She'd know it.

Come on, please take my telegram. Here's two bits.

[train bell ringing]

[chains jingling]

[creaking]

[train horn blaring]

[train bell ringing]

That's right, Antonio. Don't let anybody on except the crew.

I've got a lot of money on the train tonight.

- So we gotta be careful. - I watch like a hawk, boss.

Remember, nobody gets on the train unless he's got a badge.

You bet. Nobody gets on to the train unless they got the badge.

Hey, Ms. Julie, she's in there. Ha-ha..

Tony, you're a very valuable man.

Hm.

[door opens]

[door shuts]

[sighs] Hello, Julie.

Coffee and doughnuts. A la carte.

Jeff, I'm terribly sorry to read that...

(male #1) 'What kind of doughnuts do you want?'

The best.

Oh, you seem pretty chipper

for a boy that's just kissed a fortune goodbye.

Julie, it's been a tough struggle

but the circus is finally showing a profit.

And tonight I'm paying Carter the money I owe him.

Jeff, why, that's wonderful!

Now the show will be all yours again, free and clear.

You turned me down before because you said

I had enough obligations without a wife.

Now the only thing standing in the way

of our getting married is you.

I don't know why I let you keep on stalling me.

I must be crazy. I ought to see a doctor.

Hey, get me a doctor.

What's the matter? You ain't tasted it yet.

[both laughing]

Jeff Wilson, any young man as stubborn as you are

should be taught a lesson.

And I guess it's up to me to do the teaching.

When are we getting married?

When? Was I hearing things, Julie?

Did you really mean what you said?

Every word of it, darling.

Oh, we'll be married tonight.

Oh, no, we can't tonight. There isn't time.

Well, well, we'll be married tomorrow. Do you hear, Julie?

- Tomorrow. - Tomorrow.

[instrumental music]

♪ Two blind loves two blind loves ♪

♪ Do we know what we're doing? ♪

♪ Two blind loves ♪

♪ Don't know what month it is or the time of day ♪

♪ Don't know if we're in Brooklyn or in Mandalay ♪

♪ I only know the sun started to shine ♪

♪ The day that I looked into your eyes ♪

♪ And you looked into mine ♪

♪ Two blind loves ♪

♪ Babes in the wood ♪

♪ We've got it oh so bad ♪

♪ But isn't it good? ♪

♪ We're on a bumpy road it's true ♪

♪ But heaven is in view ♪

♪ For two ♪

♪ Blind loves ♪

[music continues]

♪ Two blind loves two blind loves ♪

♪ Do we know what we're doing? ♪

♪ Two blind loves ♪

♪ Don't know from appetite ♪

♪ Don't know fish from steak ♪

♪ Don't know if it's a doughnut or a wedding cake ♪

♪ I only know the sun started to shine ♪

♪ The day that I looked into your eyes ♪

♪ And you looked into mine ♪

♪ Two blind loves ♪

♪ Babes in the wood ♪

♪ We've got it oh so bad ♪

♪ But isn't it good? ♪

♪ We're on a bumpy road it's true ♪

♪ But heaven is in view ♪

♪ For two ♪

♪ Blind loves ♪♪

[rain pattering]

- Hey, where's your badge? - [indistinct]

Okay, professor, where's your.. Oh, Ms. Julie, it's you. Huh?

Alright to get on the train? I got a badge.

Oh, sure, Jeff. Okay.

[horn honks]

Hey, mister, 18.75.

1875. That's what I thought.

The 1940 models run much smoother.

I know you'll think I'm on a scavenger hunt

but I'm looking for Antonio Ferrelli.

Mr. Loophole, I'm sure glad to see you. Ha-ha..

Well, Tony, you old war-horse. Ha-ha.

I haven't seen you since I stopped taking Scott's Emulsion.

You know, I was afraid you wasn't going to get here

in time. There, see?

Another minute, and you'd miss the train.

But now that you're here, everything is gonna be alright.

Hey, this is a big case. You gonna make lots of money. Ha-ha.

- This is your lucky day, boy. - I'll say it is.

I don't know what the trouble is, but I'll straighten it out

in no time. Well, see you inside.

Would you mind holding that train still?

- While I try to mount it. - I'm sorry, boss.

Nobody gets on the train unless they got the badge.

- Badge? - The badge, yeah.

Oh? Oh, badge!

Oh, you mean my Lone Ranger badge.

Sorry, they took it back. I stopped eating the cereal.

[water splashing]

Now let me see your badge.

Well, I, I just haven't.

- You no got the badge? - Shh. Quiet.

The engineer may be eavesdropping.

Well, the circus is certainly lucky to have you for a watchdog

you old badger, you.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going to the laundry and get ironed out.

I'm rough-dry now.

Hey, hey, come here. I got an idea.

You know my boss Jeff Wilson?

He owns the circus. He might give you a badge.

Say, that's fast thinking. I'll see Mr. Wilson.

He'll give me a badge and I'll get on the train. Fine.

- Now where is Mr. Wilson? - He's on the train.

On the train? You know..

It was awfully nice of you floating this case my way.

Ha! It's nothing.

You know, if you hadn't sent for me

I'd probably be home now in a nice warm bedroom

in a comfortable bed, with a hot toddy.

- Huh? That's too bad. - That's a drink.

You know, if it was up to me, I'd let you

on the train like that.

- Oh? - Yeah, but it's not up to me.

No, but it's up to my ankles.

Hey, tadpole, you better get out of the water.

- You're going to get wet. - Oh, nonsense.

If I was any drier, I'd drown.

You better get out of the dampness, my friend.

- Friend? - Sure, you're my friend.

My very best friend.

[horn honking]

[rain pattering]

[honking]

Hey, Punchy, where's your badge?

Okay.

Hey, Celia, where's your badge?

[honking]

Okay.

[honking]

I know what you think. Even the seal has got the badge.

And just think, because orders is orders

I can't let my best friend on the train.

Alright, I take a chance.

I don't care if I lose my job. I'm gonna give you a badge.

I'm gonna give you my badge.

But promise you no tell. You swear?

They'll never get anything out of me unless they use a pump.

Last chance. All aboard!

Aren't you gonna wait for Noah?

Right this way. Just a minute, brother.

- Have you got a badge? - Of course. Naturally.

Don't you know, no one gets on the train unless he has a badge?

- Ha-ha! - Hey, what are you, a wise guy?

That's last year's badge. Get away!

[water splashing]

[train horn blaring]

[instrumental music]

"Quiet is requested for the benefit of those

who have retired."

[all laughing]

[piano music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[piano music]

[cheering]

[applauding]

[train chugging]

[honking]

[no audio]

[tapping]

[honking]

[laughing]

Excuse me a minute, will you, Julie?

I've got some business to attend to.

I'll be back in a minute.

You thought you had him up against a wall, didn't you?

If he pays you off tonight, you're through.

Yeah? Well, he hasn't paid me off yet.

Professor. Professor.

Let's go.

[door thuds]

[train horn blaring]

Hey, this Loophole, he's a smart lawyer.

Maybe he figure a way out how to fire the strongman.

Then you be the strongman, eh?

[inhales sharply]

Yeah. That's fine.

[laughs] Ah, sure, that's fine.

Hey, lawyer, you dressed yet?

Well, after a fashion. And a pretty old fashion.

And I wish I had an old-fashioned.

Hey, told you I'd give you some nice clothes, huh?

Takes a magician to get under this coat.

Yeah, that's who I took it from, a magician.

Well, let's not split hairs. I'm sick of the whole thing.

- And I'm going home. - Hey, this is a big case.

This is a big circus. You gonna get a big fee.

- Fee? - Sure! Tony.

You're not only thoroughly detestable.

- But you're cute. - Ha-ha.

Then we're friends again?

Well, after an old fashioned.

Yeah, I'd like you to meet the boss.

Well, well, Mr. Wilson

mighty glad to make your acquaintance.

Always wanted to meet you, sir.

[laughs] Think you're the greatest circus owner

since PT Barnum.

Isn't it a pity we never met before?

Hey, Loophole, that's not the boss.

'He isn't?' - No!

Well, he should be. He's the executive type.

[horn blows]

I'll thank you to keep a civil tongue in your head

and not in mine. Now, where is the boss?

Hey, Punchy, what are you doing?

Hey, what are you doing there?

Say, either my coat is inhabited

or I'm inhibited.

- There he goes. - Eh, don't worry.

He'll come back. He's a homing pigeon.

Fine. I'll keep a light burning in my pocket.

- Oh, where's the boss? - Come on, we find him.

[whistling]

[train horn blaring]

[indistinct chatter]

Folks, I want you to meet my pal, my best friend!

- What's your name again? - Loophole.

- Glad to know you. - It's your pleasure.

Ah, this meeting brings back memories.

Childhood days, lemonade, romance!

My life was wrapped around a circus. Her name was Lydia.

I met her at the World's Fair in 1900

marked down from 19.40.

Ah, Lydia.

♪ She was the most glorious creature ♪

♪ Under the sun ♪

♪ Thais, Du Barry, Garbo ♪

[instrumental music]

♪ Rolled into one ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Lydia oh Lydia say have you met Lydia? ♪

♪ Lydia the tattooed lady ♪

♪ She has eyes that folks adore so ♪

♪ And a torso even more so ♪

♪ Lydia oh Lydia that encyclopedia ♪

♪ Oh Lydia the queen of tattoo ♪

♪ On her back is the Battle of Waterloo ♪

♪ Beside it The Wreck of the Hesperus too ♪

♪ And proudly above waves the red white and blue ♪

♪ You can learn a lot from Lydia ♪

♪ La-la-la la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la la-la-la ♪

♪ When her robe is unfurled she will show you the world ♪

♪ If you step up and tell her where ♪

♪ For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paree ♪

♪ Or Washington crossing the Delaware ♪

♪ La-la-la la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la la-la-la ♪

♪ Oh Lydia oh Lydia say have you met Lydia? ♪

♪ Oh Lydia ♪♪ Lydia the tattooed lady ♪

♪ When her muscles start relaxing ♪

♪ Up the hill comes Andrew Jackson ♪

♪ Lydia oh Lydia that encyclopedia ♪

♪ Oh Lydia the queen of them all ♪

♪ For two bits she will do a mazurka in jazz ♪

♪ With a view of Niagara that nobody has ♪

♪ And on a clear day you can see Alcatraz ♪

♪ You can learn a lot from Lydia ♪

♪ La-la-la la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la la-la-la ♪

♪ Come along and see Buffalo Bill with his lasso ♪

♪ Just a little classic by Mendel Picasso ♪

♪ Here is Captain Spaulding exploring the Amazon ♪

♪ Here's Godiva but with her pajamas on ♪

♪ La-la-la la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la la-la-la ♪

♪ Here is Grover Whelan unveiling the Trylon ♪

♪ Over on the West Coast we have Treasure Island ♪

♪ Here's Nijinsky a-doing the rumba ♪

♪ Here's her Social Security Number ♪

[instrumental music]

♪ Oh Lydia oh Lydia that encyclopedia ♪

♪ Oh Lydia the champ of them all ♪

♪ She once swept an admiral clear off his feet ♪

♪ The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat ♪

♪ And now the old boy's in command of the fleet ♪

♪ For he went and married Lydia ♪

♪ I said Lydia ♪

♪ He said Lydia ♪

♪ I said Lydia ♪

♪ We said Lydia la-la ♪♪

[applauding]

[cheering]

[train horn blaring]

[clanking]

You make a pretty good banker, Gibraltar.

[grunting]

[taps]

[gate shuts]

[Gibraltar whining]

[train horn blaring]

[groans]

[Gibraltar growling]

[growls]

Jeff's in the next car with the gorilla.

They should be very happy together.

Hey, Jeff, are you here?

- Hey, boss, what's the matter? - Huh?

- What happened here? - Here, lift him up here.

Here, take the other side. I'll take this side.

Come on, lift. Come on.

Put him down here on the trunk, huh? That's it.

- Hey, somebody hit him. - I'm alright. Who's this?

I've got an alibi! I-I wasn't here.

Hey, it's a lucky thing you were hit tonight.

- He's a lawyer. - Feeling better, Mr. Wilson?

- It's gone! - What?

It's been stolen, my $10,000!

Ten-thousand dollars? That man's hurt bad.

Sta-stand back and give him air.

(Antonio) 'You lose $10,000?'

He didn't lose it. It was stolen.

I gotta get that money back, and quick!

Hey, never mind the $10,000. You go to bed.

He's right for once. Come on, let me help you, huh?

(Loophole) 'Here, come on. I'll take you through here, huh?'

Go ahead, Jeff. We stay here. We'll find the money.

Hey, Punchy, we gotta find Jeff's money.

Look, we do like detectives. We re-destruct the crime.

Alright, now pay attention.

I'm Jeff. You're the crook.

No, it's just acting. You know what I mean, acting?

Yeah? Hey, what do you call..

What do you call.. Hey, Punchy, look out!

Punchy, that's no acting.

Hey, ah, you're crazy.

We act out the case like they do in the police station.

Now.. You've been in the police station?

"Wanted. Fifty cents reward for jaywalking."

Fifty cents. See, crime doesn't pay.

Alright, now, look, Punchy, I come in, you follow me.

I don't know you're there.

Now I take out my money.

I count it. What happens?

Punchy, what's the matter for you?

Alright, we change it. This time you're Jeff, I'm the crook.

That's right, this time I'm the crook.

Punchy, I.. I better break this case before you break my head.

Alright, I solve this case myself.

Now you stand there. You watch me.

I'm Jeff. I take out my money. I count it.

Now what happen?

Oh! Ah.. Hey.

Now you've got nothing to worry about, Mr. Wilson.

With the thief on the train and the legal eagle on the case

the money is practically in your pocket.

Just, uh, keep an eye on your pocket.

[door shuts]

- Uh.. - Oh, oh, oh..

- No, you don't. - Oh, but I've got...

Oh, no, there's no use talking, Jeff.

Money or no money, you're not going to get up.

But you don't understand, if that thief gets away

with that $10,000, I lose everything.

Sorry, but there's nothing you can do about it now.

You've gotta get some sleep.

And in the morning you'll feel a lot better.

Yes, and a lot poorer.

Does it matter?

- Did you get anything? - Yes. A bump on the head.

- How can you tell? - Hey.

You know what I think, the guy who hit Jeff on the head

and knocked him out didn't like him.

Don't let it jump to concussions.

Does anybody around here look suspicious aside from you?

Yes, Mr. Carter, the manager. He's been making trouble.

- Carter, eh? - Yeah.

But he no steal the money.

He's too smart for that.

You know who I think steal the money?

His friend Goliath. He's dumb.

Well, the legal eagle is on his track.

And if he's guilty, he'll have to prove it. Patois.

[clears throat]

[train horn blaring]

Hey. You said you was on Goliath's track.

Well, this is a detour. I'll grill her until she's well done.

She must know something, even if it isn't about the case.

Mm.

She's innocent. Now then, where's Goliath?

- In the next car. - Where is he?

Here it is. But I think I oughta tell you...

You'll tell me nothing. It's my job to get the facts.

This fellow will face the shrewd, relentless grilling

of the juggernaut of justice, the Casanova of the courthouse

the black stone of the barroom.

Now watch the eagle swoop down.

'Who's there?' - You'll find out.

My fine-feathered felon.

- Hors d'oeuvres. - Goliath?

I'll get to the bottom of this.

- Well? - Wrong room.

- I'm Goliath. Who are you? - Oh, uh, me?

Oh, just a little nobody who wears glasses.

I-I-I can hardly see a lick.

- Who is this guy? - That's Mr. Loophole.

- He's a lawyer. - A lawyer. Isn't that silly?

I-I-I've been disbarred for years.

I can show you my canceled diploma.

Smart guy, hm?

How would you like I should break you in two?

Uh, could I, uh, file separate income taxes?

- Just what do you want? - Well, uh..

Frankly, Mr. Goliath, when I see a wrong done

I can't rest until it's righted. That's all. And, uh.. So..

Well, I brought Tony here to, to, to apologize, that's what.

Tony, I want you to tell this, this lovable chap

that you're sorry.

Alright, Mr. Goliath, I'm sorry you knocked out Jeff Wilson

and stole his money.

[grunting]

[door shuts]

Phew!

This coat is haunted.

Hey, maybe I'm Captain Flag.

[instrumental music]

He's as innocent as a newborn babe. And much bigger.

Well, that settles it. Now we gotta look for a new suspect.

- Yes, and a new lawyer. - Hey, you're not gonna quit.

- As of now. - Yeah, but..

This guy Goliath, don't be afraid of him.

- He's muscle-bound. - Yes, and I'm homeward-bound.

How are we going to get back Jeff's $10,000?

It's very easy. Offer a reward of 15,000.

[mumbling]

Wise guy.

'Hello!' - Oh!

Oh. Did I frighten you, Mr. Loophole?

No. Nothing ever frightens me.

[train horn blaring]

[chuckles] I used to take rumba lessons by mail.

Every time I hear the whistle, I think it's the postman

with another lesson. Heh-heh.

Jeff has finally fallen asleep.

So I came looking for you. Has anything developed?

No, everything's under control, except my pulse.

You'll never know how grateful Jeff is for what you're doing.

Oh, it's nothing at all.

You know, if you can straighten this out

it will mean a great deal to, well, to both of us.

Both of you?

Oh, I get it. You and Jeff, Jeff and you.

Ha, young love. A maid in distress.

Fear not, my lady, a Loophole never deserts a sinking ship.

- Even if it's a train. - Thank you.

I'll have this case straightened out before sunrise

before the rooster crows, before this flower fades.

Here, my lady.

If we only had the clue.

I don't need the lawyer. All we need is a clue.

What's the matter? No, I no smoke this brand.

I gotta find the clue.

What do you got?

I know. You smoke the cigar, you knock yourself out.

But that's no good. I gotta find the clue.

Where I find the clue, huh?

Gibraltar? Hey, you crazy! Gibraltar no smoke cigars.

I gotta find the clue. Now, where I find..

[taps]

There's a head I'd like to have over my fireplace.

I got it!

A fractured skull, I trust.

- No, a clue! - A clue?

Yeah, Punchy find this cigar

right where Jeff was knocked out.

Great. Now, then..

Who on this train smokes cigars?

- Or heavy underwear? - I know.

- The strongman, the Goliath. - Oh, nonsense.

It wouldn't be him. His, his public wouldn't like it.

Well, we got to think of somebody else.

Wait, I got it this time! The midget!

- A midget? A small midget? - Yeah. The small midget.

- That's our man. - You sure?

Can you prove that he's the one that smoke the cigar?

We'll compare smells, and if they're alike

this is the rope that'll hang him.

- Adieu! - Adieu!

[train horn blaring]

Now, Punchy, you stay outside.

Let Loophole do the talking, and you keep quiet.

- See that you remember that. - Shh!

All we got for a clue is this cigar butt.

So I'll trap him into offering us one of his cigars.

Now if his cigar matches this one..

- He's unquestionably guilty. - That's right.

Now, we mustn't let on what we're after.

Alright, I won't say anything.

I know that, but don't talk either.

- Shut up. - Shut up.

[knocking on door]

- What do you want? - Oh, sure.

We come in if you insist.

- Is this a friend of yours? - I should say not.

He's a lawyer.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah. Why..

Why? Do you wanna make anything out of it?

Try to bully me, I'll lick you the best day you ever had.

- What brings you here? - Oh, nothing important.

We just wanna trap you into a confession.

Confession?

Nice work, Einstein. That's what I call using strategy.

I know my stuff, huh?

It's, uh, kind of late to be visiting, isn't it?

Well, we just happened to be passing your house

and we saw a firefly burning in your window.

Did you lose this?

Why, no, I didn't lose it.

- Where did you find it? - Never mind that.

- Are these your teeth prints? - No.

Well, Tony, I guess we're licked.

I guess so, boss.

The man is undoubtedly innocent. Well, no hard feelings.

Oh, none at all. Let's shake on it.

By the way, uh, I'm all out of smokes.

Do you happen to have a spare cigar on you?

Here! I got one.

I got one for you, too, and for myself.

Thanks. Uh, let me get you a light.

Why don't you trade your head in on a bowling ball?

Don't you realize that I'm trying to get incriminating

evidence? Now let's smoke these up quickly.

And then I'll ask him for one of his cigars.

- Well.. - Here we are, boys.

No, thanks. Bad luck. Three, I'm a midget.

Ah, that's a superstish.

Has anybody got a match?

[whistles]

[rattling]

I asked for a match, not a forest fire.

Hey, what's going on here, anyway?

[thudding]

[clinks]

Oh, uh, by the way, uh, do you happen

to have a spare cigar on you?

Hey, I think I got one. Here.

You're a big help, you are.

[thuds]

I'll clean up this case if you'll keep quiet.

Last time I saw that match, there was apples growing on it.

Oh, you got the apples, too, huh?

Hey, you no hitting Jeff on the head and stealing his money.

That ain't playing ball.

I'll bet your father spent the first year

of your life throwing rocks at the stork.

- Yeah. - I know how to get rid of you.

Smoke one of your own cigars.

Hey. I don't think I got anymore.

Good. What a break. Now I'll make him confess.

Ah.

Oh, by the way, uh

do you happen to have a spare cigar on you?

Hey, wait a minute. I find one.

It's the last one I got, but you can have it.

Oh, I couldn't think of it. I couldn't think of taking...

- Oh, go ahead, it's alright. - Your last cigar. No, I..

Well, I've carried many a torch, but never on such a large scale.

Do you realize, if Jeff had been hit a little harder

the charge would have been murder? Pronounced murder?

[laughs]

Yes, murder.

How would you like to go to Sing Sing

and get the high chair?

You better not lay a hand on me. You ain't the law.

You're right. We haven't got anything on, anything on you.

Okay, anyone can make a mistake. No hard feelings.

- No, no, not at all. - Let's shake on it.

Oh, uh, let's smoke on it, huh?

Oh, heck, I, uh, I seem to be all out of cigars.

You don't happen to have a spare cheroot on you, do you?

Hey, I find one more.

Are you lucky! I thought this cigar was in my other suit.

I wish you were in your other suit

and your other suit was being pressed.

- No, mangled. - I just remember.

This is my other suit.

Hey, you know these cigars are imported? They're hard to get.

I haven't had any trouble getting 'em

not with that plantation under your vest.

Hey, boss, you're not getting any evidence.

No, but I'm getting tobacco heart.

You better tell the truth, half the truth

and nothing but the truth!

[sneezing]

[clattering]

I told you to eat corn flakes for breakfast

not the goldenrod. Hey..

What, are you guys trying to wreck my house?

Wait till the finance company sees this furniture.

Are you gonna get it.

You fellows got no right coming here

raising such a rumpus.

I don't raise no rumpus.

- I'm gonna sue you! - Say..

If you need a good lawyer, I'm your man. Cheever Loophole.

Hold it! Hold it!

[inhaling sharply]

Ah..

- Ah.. - Oh, it's alright.

[sneezes]

I stand in the rain and he sneezes.

[upbeat music]

[audience applauding]

[drumroll]

[music continues]

[cheering]

[audience applauding]

They can't be mine.

No, that's definite. They're not mine.

- Go away. - What?

Go out from under your life?

Get away.

Playing piggyback at my age.

You're the prettiest millstone I ever had around my neck.

You fool.

We'll be very happy together

if my back holds out.

Put me down.

Hey, Mr. Loophole, have you met Peerless Pauline?

- No. Why, how do you do? Oh.. - Put me down, you fool.

- Well, reluctantly. - Alright, let her go.

Careful, man, you're talking of the woman I love.

Yeah, well, Carter loves her, too. She's his girl.

Hey, I just thought of something.

Maybe Carter knows something about the stolen money.

And if Pauline's his girl, maybe she knows something, too.

Well, if she doesn't, it'll be fun teaching her.

Legal eagle.

[thudding]

Ah, ah..

Here it is, babe

the whole ten grand.

[Pauline grunting]

Why don't you quit that while I'm talking to you?

I got to break in these new shoes. I nearly fell today.

Well, break 'em in some other time.

Anyhow, take care of this money.

I think that lawyer suspects me

and I don't wanna have it on me.

Pauline! Yoo-hoo!

'Pauline!' - There he is.

I bet he's up to something.

Go on, get out of here. I'll handle him.

Well, be careful. And find out if he knows anything.

It's me. Or it's I.

Well, at any rate, it's one of us.

'Come in.' - Pauline!

- Are you home? Are you home? - 'What d'you, what d'you want?'

If this is a spirit reading, I'd like something good

in the fourth at Belmont.

- Hello, brown eyes. - Hello, brown..

[chuckles] Say, you're up early today, aren't you, huh?

You're like a beautiful chandelier.

I'd like to be around when you get lit up.

- What brings you here? - Oh, uh, lots of reasons.

Ten-thousand reasons.

- What are you doing? - Oh, don't mind me.

Uh, I'm just a talent scout for Alcatraz.

[thuds]

Let me phrase it more delicately.

Where were you when Jeff got bopped on the conk

and clipped for his roll, babe?

Why, Mr. Loophole, surely you don't think that I...

Egad, no, anyone who looks at you can see that

you're not, uh, hiding anything.

- You're a lawyer, aren't you? - Uh-huh.

They tell me you're a great lawyer.

Who does? Not my clients.

Certainly not the ones that were hung last week.

[laughs]

- Have you solved your case? - What case?

Why, whatever case you're working on.

Oh, let's not sit here and talk about little me.

Let's talk about little you.

Have you deposited $10,000

in the bank lately?

Why, whatever made you say that?

Well, you know what the French say, uh.

"Cherchez la femme." Find the footprints.

- Peanut brittle? - No, thanks.

Well, there's no point in my staying here.

Oh, don't go, please.

Perhaps you'll think I'm forward

but last night when I first saw you..

And slammed the door on my face.

I realized that you're the man

I've been dreaming of.

What do you eat before you go to bed?

I've waited so long to find someone like you.

Oh, someone like me? I'm not good enough for you, huh?

Oh, don't say that. I'm not good enough.

- Well, you oughta know. - Oh.

- But I-I really have to go. - Oh, don't go.

- Uh, no, I-I... - Oh, no, please.

- I can't stay r... - Oh, no, stay for a...

- I'd love to stay, but... - Oh, yes.

Please. Really, stay.

Your father wasn't by any chance an octopus, was he?

- Oh, no. - No, I-I really have to go.

- Oh, don't go, please. Oh.. - I, I'll be right back.

I'm back.

(Pauline) 'So sorry you have to go.'

The thing I like about you is that

money doesn't go to your head.

I hope you solve the case you're working on.

Well, it's out of my hands.

This has been a private investigation

but right now I could use the long arm of the law.

Law?

Oh, but you don't have to go right now, do you?

Well, there's nothing to keep me here

that I can see from this angle.

But we.. Why, we hardly know each other.

I can be very entertaining if I want to be.

There must be some way of getting the money

without getting in trouble with the Hays Office.

Will you, uh, walk on your hands?

- Silly boy, of course not. - Alright, forget about it.

Will you, uh, will you walk on the ceiling?

And when I'm on the ceiling, you'll run out and call..

[chuckles] You'll run away.

Oh, that's the farthest thought from my mind.

So, so help me, the law of gravity.

Alright, I'll walk on the ceiling if you will, too.

Oh, no, no. No, thanks. I'll, uh, I'll sit this one out.

[chuckles] I'm just an old groundhog.

I shouldn't even be out until February.

But it's so easy.

The bottom of the shoe creates a suction

that holds you up on the ceiling.

No, no, I'd rather not.

I have an agreement with the houseflies.

The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.

Oh, you'll love it.

- Come on, Cheever. - Are you..

Are you sure you're, we're not being too hasty?

After all, I am just a boy.

You're-you're a trouper, an aerial star.

Yeah. Oh, you could be, too. You're tall, you're strong.

You're nearsighted.

- Hurry, Cheever. - You're not fooling now?

You will walk on the ceiling?

With you. Only with you.

(Loophole) Don't look now. No peeky-weeky.

I'll bet you're laughing at me inside.

And to think I might have roamed the whole world over

and never found you.

'Ready, darling?'

I know I'm gonna hate myself for this in the morning.

(Pauline) 'Why, you look like a million.'

I'll settle for 10,000.

'Uh, suppose you go first.' - Why?

Well, in case you fall, I'll be here to pick it up.

Oh, no. Let's go up together.

Well, if that's your best offer.

But I'm not making a nickel on it.

Once you do this, you'll never forget it.

You know, the last time I stood on a ceiling

was at a lodge meeting.

The chairman had the floor.

How am I doing here?

Careful, Cheever, careful.

Well, uh..

[instrumental music]

You don't wanna reach over and hold this thing, uh?

Uh.. Ha-ha.

Come on now, lift your body and clamp your foot on the ceiling.

[grunts]

[thumping]

Very good morning to you, Mrs. Murphy.

- Help! Help! - There. I knew you'd like it.

Say, I like this, I never thought

we'd be hanging around together.

[thumping]

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. Shake.

I see.

[thumping]

Ah, Pauline, let's never lose this thrilling moment.

Think of it, you and I, heels over head in love.

- Do you rumba? - No.

Oh, come on. Let's dance.

Ah-ha! Pennies from heaven.

Hey, Pauline, help me down.

Pauline, let me have that wallet! Pau..

P-Pauline, I'm stuck up! Well, l-let-let me, let me down!

'Pauline, how do I get down out of here?'

Pauline, quick, quick! Help, help, Pauline! Help!

Get me down, Pauline! Pauline! Paul-Pauline.

Help me down! Get me off the ceiling.

Help. Help. Help. I'm stuck up..

[thuds]

'Julie?' - 'Come in.'

[instrumental music]

- Hi there, Mr. Wilson. - Telegram for you.

Oh, thanks. Excuse me.

It's nothing important.

Julie, why don't you take that job?

Job? What job?

With the Miracle Shows. I heard they made you an offer.

That. I'm turning that down.

Maybe you better take it.

It looks as if The Wilson Wonder Circus

is gonna have to do without Wilson.

I, uh, I might not be the best boss in the world

but I don't think you'll like working for Carter.

Well, I don't intend to work for Carter.

I'm leaving when you leave.

But where will you go to?

Well, where you go.

- Don't you want me to, Jeff? - Oh, sure, I..

Look, Julie..

Um, this isn't easy for me.

But.. Well..

I've made plenty of mistakes, I guess

but I don't wanna make another.

You once said that, uh, we belong to different worlds.

Well, you're right. You're a success.

When I leave here, I, I won't even have a job.

Oh. Things will work out for you. I know they will.

Well, until they do, until I can pay the bills

I'm not gonna drag you to any preacher.

Well, you're pretty heavy, but suppose I drag you?

Well, Jeff?

I don't think I'd enjoy life as Mr. Julie Randall.

You better wire Miracle Shows you're gonna take that job.

Why, I guess Emily Post was right.

A girl should never propose to a man.

[squeaking]

You're some lawyer. You come here to help Jeff and Julie.

And what happened? Huh? What happened?

Come, come, you know as well as I do. And you know better.

- We've got to think. - Oh, we tried that.

Well, let's review the case. One Jeff Wilson owes $10,000.

Or let's put it another way.

Ten-thousand dollars is owed by one Jeff Wilson.

It's a clear case of Jeff Wilson owing $10,000.

- Yeah, which he ain't got. - Brilliant deduction.

[monkey squeaking]

If only that Mrs. Dukesbury would help him out.

- Mrs. Dukesbury? - Yeah. She's Jeff's aunt.

The rich Mrs. Dukesbury? Page one of the "Social Register?"

The Newport branch of the United States Mint?

- That money is Jeff's aunt? - Uh-huh.

I usually say aunt, but I'm showing off

on account of the monkeys.

Yeah, but she wouldn't lend

Jeff the money.

Hey, wait, I got an idea.

You go to Newport and ask Mr. Dukesbury for the money.

- Oh, fine. - I mean..

If Mr. Dukesbury is alive, you could ask him.

- But he's dead. - He's dead, eh?

Then why don't you ask him?

Mrs. Dukesbury, America's wealthiest widow

and yours truly who could certainly

use the money for Jeff.

Don't tell this to Jeff, but his troubles are over.

Goodbye, Mr. Chimps.

[monkey squeaking]

Ah, let him go. We solve this case myself.

Punchy, I'm going to my tent where I can think.

You come over later and wake me up.

[lions roaring]

[screaming]

[lions roaring]

[trumpet music]

[lions roaring]

[music continues]

[lions roaring]

[music continues]

[gasps] Well, shut my mouth and freeze my face!

That man don't belong to no human race.

Got a hoca-hoca-pocus and a fiddle-dee-dee

that can charm a lion or a chimpanzee.

[trumpet music]

[honking]

Well, button my lip and send me quick!

That man's got a voodoo in that stick.

When he voodoo raki-sakis, he can hypnotize an elf.

That man must be Swingali hisself!

[band music]

♪ Zoom zoom go the cymbals and boom boom go the drums ♪

♪ There's dancing feet all over the street when that man comes ♪

♪ The kids from the alley they rally round Swingali ♪

♪ He waves that Toscaninian hand ♪

♪ And zoom zoom go the cymbals and soon Swingali sways ♪

♪ The basses thump to thousands of trumpets sounding their As ♪

♪ Mr. Swingali tell me is he man or maestro? ♪

♪ Zoom zoom goes your heart when he's in command ♪

♪ Give that man a hand ♪♪ That man ♪

♪ When he gives the downbeat they swing us soft and low ♪

[instrumental "Auld Lang Syne"]

♪ Play something for me play it loud and corny ♪

[trumpet music]

♪ Oh glory hallelujah ♪

♪ Rhythm races through ya ♪

♪ When he rolls his evil eye he can boogie-boo ya ♪

♪ Ah boogie-boo boogie-boo boogie-boogie boogie-boo ♪

♪ Boogie-boo boogie-boo boogie-boogie boogie-boo ♪

♪ Boogie-boo boogie-boo boogie-boogie boogie-boo ♪

♪ Boogie-boo boogie-boo boogie-boogie boogie-boo boog ♪♪

[trumpet music]

[swing music]

♪ Louder now yeah louder now yeah ♪

♪ Louder now yeah ♪

♪ Why be melancholy when we got Swingali? ♪

[scatting]

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Look me in the eye ♪

♪ Concentrate ♪

♪ Relax ♪

♪ Swing-a-ding ♪

♪ Make it rise up to the skies and hypnotize the moon ♪

♪ Make it a blue ♪

♪ Moon ♪

♪ Make it a blue ♪

♪ Moon ♪

[harp music]

[vocalization]

♪ Swing low ♪

♪ Sweet chariot ♪♪

[music continues]

[music continues]

[vocalization]

[harp music]

[vocalization]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[cheering]

[applauding]

[birds chirping]

Hello, Teresa. Uh, this is Suzanna. Suzanna Dukesbury.

You are coming tomorrow night, aren't you? Splendid.

Oh, yes. Just as the invitation read.

I'm bringing Jardinet and his famous symphony orchestra

all the way from Paris, just to play for us.

And I've invited only the 400 of Newport.

No outsiders.

[taps]

[clatters]

[tapping on door]

Here, what is this?

It's English tweed. Wears like iron.

Now, then, uh, where's old lady Dukesbury's room?

I beg your pardon.

Mrs. Dukesbury cannot be disturbed by anyone.

Fine. I don't wanna be disturbed, either.

You can't go up there. Who-who are you?

- Who am I? Mr. Dukesbury. - Mr. Dukesbury?

But I understood Mr. Dukesbury passed away.

Oh, just a typographical error.

Passed out. What a brawl that was.

Well, here I am, after the brawl is over.

Well, I'll inform Mrs. Dukesbury that you're here.

Never mind. I'll tell her myself. What's her room number?

Never mind. I'll find it. I've been in bigger hotels than this.

And with better-looking clerks.

[yodeling]

Mrs. Dukesbury, yoo-hoo!

What in the world?

Well, what is the meaning of this?

Keep your sheet on. I'm looking for old lady Dukesbury.

- I am Mrs. Dukesbury. - Snookums!

Oh! Gracious! I don't know you.

You mean you've, you've forgotten?

- Well, I.. Uh.. - I know. You have forgotten.

Those June nights on the Riviera

when we sat underneath the shimmering skies

moonlight-bathing in the Mediterranean.

We were young, gay, reckless.

The night I drank champagne from your slipper. Two quarts.

It would have held more, but you were wearing innersoles.

Oh, Hildegard.

- My name is Suzanna. - Let's not quibble.

It's enough that you've killed something fine and beautiful.

Oh, Suzanna. Oh, Suzanna.

♪ Oh won't you fly with me? For I need $10,000 ♪

♪ 'Cause the sheriff's after me ♪♪

Get out of this room, or I'll scream for the servants!

Let the servants know. Let the whole world know about us.

You must leave my room.

We must have regard for certain conventions.

One guy isn't enough. She's gotta have a convention.

Oh, Suzanna, Suzanna, at last we're alone.

Couldn't the two of us be, oh, how shall I say it

a, a man and a, and a woman? There, I said it.

Oh, Suzanna, if you only knew how much I need you.

Not because you have millions. I don't need millions.

I'll tell you how much I need. Have you got a pencil?

I left my typewriter in my other pants.

Shh, shh. That's Whitcomb. What'll I do?

- I'll cool him off. - No, no, you mustn't.

Oh, this is so embarrassing. Oh, dear.

What, succotash? What's eating you?

I beg your pardon, sir, but Monsieur La Fontaine

of the concert bureau has phoned to say

that all arrangements are complete.

The maestro will be here on time.

That's fine. Here's a dime. Get yourself a clean shirt.

He's gonna get himself a clean shirt.

- This is an outrage! - I'll say it is.

That Whitcomb is a fine butler, I phoned you five hours ago

and he gives you the message now.

Why, you're-you're not Monsieur La Fontaine?

What do you mean I'm not Monsieur La Fontaine?

Do I go around saying you're

not Monsieur La Fontaine?

[chuckles] Oh.

It must be wonderful to be associated

with such a great artist as Jardinet.

Oh, it is a pushover.

- Did you say Jardinet? - Why, of course.

Now, be sure, when the Normandie docks tomorrow in New York

the Jardinet and his entire orchestra come directly here.

This bedroom will be awfully crowded.

Say, uh, Suzie, hiring a world-famous guy

like, uh, what's-his-name, that will run into money.

I realize that, I didn't expect him

to play at my party for nothing.

You'll get your check tomorrow night as we agreed.

Now tell me, Mrs. Dukesbury

suppose through some strange quirk of fate

that, uh, Jardinet couldn't get here

would you be interested in any other form of entertainment?

Say, some novel surprises wrapped in sawdust?

Why, it's unthinkable! Jardinet must get here.

After all, $7500 for one night's entertainment is a lot of money.

Mm, $7500 is a pretty penny

but, uh, my client needs $10,000

for reasons that should be pretty obvious by now.

Suzanna, I, uh, I hate to bring up

money matters in a bedroom, but, uh..

- But what? - Well, uh..

Just write me out a check for $10,000

and everybody will be happy, including the gorilla.

And I do mean you.

But we agreed on $7500.

[French accent] Oh. Ah, but you do not know about the rate of exchange.

You see, in la belle France

$7500 is over 150,000 francs

while in this country, $7500

is, uh, well, it's $7500.

- Ha-ha.. - That is, uh, fluctuation.

[laughs] Very well.

Anything to make the party a success.

Ah, this will be the most successful

surprise party you have ever given.

- But it's not a surprise party. - What will you bet?

[comical music]

[door opens]

[instrumental music]

Well, by this time tomorrow you'll be in Chicago.

Then what?

It's really a swell break for you, Julie.

The Miracle Shows have a fine outfit.

- Yup. - Well..

They're gonna be crazy about you.

Yup.

What are you gonna do, Jeff?

Oh, I'll have plenty to do.

Six days a week I'll think about you

and on Sunday I'll look for a job.

Fine chance you'll have of finding a job on Sunday.

That's just the point. No job on Sunday.

So I'll have six more days to think about you.

And Sunday comes around, no job, I'll have six more days.

[instrumental music]

[humming]

♪ Do we know what we're doing? ♪

♪ Two blind loves ♪

♪ Don't know what month it is ♪

♪ Or the time of day ♪

♪ Don't know if we're in Brooklyn ♪

♪ Or in Mandalay ♪

♪ I only know the sun started to shine ♪

♪ The day that I looked into your eyes ♪

♪ And you looked into mine ♪

♪ Two blind loves ♪

♪ Babes in the wood ♪

♪ We've got it oh so bad ♪

♪ But isn't it good? ♪

♪ We're on a bumpy road it's true ♪

♪ But heaven is in view ♪

♪ For two ♪

♪ Blind loves ♪♪

[train horn blaring]

[knocking]

Hey, Punchy? Are you sleeping?

With all this trouble

with Jeff gonna lose the circus tomorrow night

how can you fall asleep?

Oh, you count sheep, huh?

How many sheep you have to count before you fall asleep?

One?

Ah, you're an inso-maniac.

You know, Punchy, we look every place for the money

but there's one place we don't look. That's Goliath's room.

Yeah. Hey, wait.

You run away, too, uh, like the lawyer?

You're a coward.

No, no, no, no, you're not a regular coward.

You are.. You're a brave coward.

Hey, Punchy, Punchy.

Tell me, how does Goliath sleep?

Oh, with his eyes closed? Yeah? That's news.

[sheep bleating]

Hey, what I mean is, does he sleep good?

Oh, like a top, ah? I gets wise.

That's fine. Now look, we got work to do.

Get your clothes. Come on.

[train horn blaring]

Now, this is Goliath's room. Keep quiet. Shh.

[door opens]

[Goliath snoring]

[shushing]

Yeah.

Hey. He's asleep like a baby.

[chuckles]

Oh, no, no. Shh!

♪ Rockabye baby on the treetop ♪

♪ When the wind blows the cradle she rock ♪

♪ Rockabye baby on the treetop ♪

Now we gotta look for the money.

I think it's better we work in the dark.

[Goliath snoring]

Hey. Shh, shh.

- Shh, shh. - We gotta work fast.

I look over there. You look over there.

If anything happens, we meet right here.

That's fine. Go ahead.

[rattling]

Shh!

♪ Rockabye baby on the treetop ♪

♪ When the wind blows the cradle ♪♪

[thuds]

Quick, hide!

[yawning]

[train chugging]

[light switch clicking]

[sighs]

[light switch clicks]

[sighs]

[snoring]

[rattling]

[slams]

[Goliath snoring]

[spits]

[shushing]

[Goliath snoring]

We gotta find the money in a hurry.

Maybe he's sleeping on it. Quiet.

[shushing]

Under the pillow.

[snoring]

♪ If the bough breaks ♪

♪ The baby should fall ♪

♪ We collect insurance money and all ♪

♪ Rock rock rock rock ♪♪

What? Oh.

Alright, alright, alright, I look in the pillow.

You look under the blanket. Go on.

[snoring]

[clacking]

[snoring]

You no find it? It's not in here either.

[fan whirring]

[laughing]

[snoring]

[bell ringing]

[laughing]

Hey, Santy Claus, it looks like a white Christmas.

[bell ringing]

[coin clinks]

[shushing] If he wakes up, I pity us.

Here, hold that. Hold it. I got an idea.

This will make Goliath sleep.

[Goliath snoring]

[whistling "Jingle Bells"]

[switch clicks]

[thuds]

[thuds]

[thuds]

Punchy! What you do? What you do?

Wake up! Wake up! Wa..

Rockabye, baby. Wake up, Punchy.

♪ Rockabye baby on the treetop ♪

♪ Rockabye rock a bye baby ♪

♪ Rockabye baby rock a bye baby ♪

Punchy, wake up. Punchy, Punchy. Wake up. Punchy, wake up.

♪ Rockabye baby on the treetop ♪

♪ When the wind blows the cradle she rock ♪

♪ Rockabye baby cradle ♪♪

[snoring]

See? I sing a lullaby, and you wake up. That's fine.

Hey, maybe the money's in the mattress.

♪ Rockabye baby on the treetop ♪

♪ When the wind blows the cradle she rock ♪

♪ If the bough breaks the baby should fall ♪

♪ And down will come baby cradle and all ♪

♪ Rockabye baby ♪

Hey, Punchy, what are you doing there?

♪ Rockabye baby ♪

Punchy, get down.

♪ Rockabye baby ♪

Punchy. Hey, Punchy.

Uh..

[honking]

[sighs]

Uh..

[grunts]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[honks]

♪ Rockabye baby on the treetop ♪

♪ When the wind blows the cradle she rock.. ♪♪

- Uh, uh, porter! - Yes?

Porter! Help! Help!

- Porter! - Hey, Punchy! Punchy, come on!

Punchy! Punchy! Punchy!

Let's get out of here. Come on, Punchy.

Hey, Punchy! Punchy!

Yeah. So long.

[wheels squeaking]

[train bell ringing]

Is there a Jeff Wilson on the train?

Why, I'm Jeff Wilson. Why?

Yeah, well, long-distance's been

trying to get you all along the line.

- Long-distance? - Yeah.

I'll be back in a minute.

[train bell ringing]

You can use this telephone, young man.

Ask for the Newport operator.

- Newport? - 'Yeah.'

Hello, Jeffrey. This is the legal eagle.

I'm calling from Dukesbury Manor.

Never mind what I'm doing here. I've got a great scheme.

Now listen.

[train bell ringing]

No!

- How much? - Ten thousand.

She thinks she's getting Jardinet and his orchestra.

But I have a sneaking suspicion Jardinet's not going to show up.

Oh, if we can only get away with it.

Certainly. You play the circus right on your aunt's front lawn.

Be very quiet while you're setting the tents up.

And keep the elephants out of the flowerbed.

Okay, you take care of that end, and I'll have the circus there

by tomorrow night if it's the last thing I do.

[receiver clacks]

Oh, boy!

Operator.

Operator, get me the steamship Normandie.

Where is it? It's in the water.

Why, I can't believe it!

But I tell you, the man's name is not Jardinet.

His real name is DT O'Connor.

Ah, there must be some mistake. Are you sure?

I'm positive. It's the biggest dope ring in years.

And Jardinet is the head dope.

I'll keep him in the brig until I can dig up some more dope.

This is operator 77 B signing off. That is all.

[receiver clacks]

[rustling]

[clanks]

[inhales sharply]

[exhales sharply]

[breathing heavily]

Oh. It's always those three top buttons.

Don't worry, I'll make it, I used to be a riveter

on the Golden Gate Bridge.

[breathing heavily]

- There you are. - Oh. Thank you.

Now then, tell me

how do you like the bandstand?

I had it built especially for Jardinet.

- Do you think he'll like it? - If he ever sees it.

[knocking on door]

- Yes, Whitcomb? - Pardon me, madam.

But here are the seating arrangements

for your final approval.

Oh, no, Whitcomb, Judge Chanock will sit on my left hand

and you will sit on my right hand.

How will you eat? Through a tube?

(Loophole) '...376, 377, 378, 379, 380, 381'

'382, 383, 384, 385, 386, 387'

388, 389, 390

91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97

398, 399, 400.

They all showed up. Looks like no second helpings.

[glass clinking]

Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf

of our gracious, charming and lovely hostess

I say to you, good evening, friends!

And now let's lap up the vittles.

Monsieur, control yourself. C..

[crickets chirping]

Tony, find Mr. Loophole. Tell him we'll be ready.

- In five minutes. - Sure, Jeff.

Five minutes. Five minutes.

Monsieur La Fontaine?

What is it, my little smorgasbord?

It's five minutes of 10:00, and they're not here yet.

Well, it takes time. You know how elephants are.

Elephants?

Who said anything about elephants?

Give me that. You've had quite enough of this.

- Oh. - Quite enough.

Elephants, at your age.

[crickets chirping]

And, uh, since Mrs. Dukesbury and her checkbook

are entirely responsible for this magnificent shindig

I suggest we give the kid a great big hand.

[applauding]

I, uh, I'm sure Marie Antoinette

would like to say a few boring words.

[inhales sharply]

[elephant trumpeting]

- Oh. Oh, dear... - Can I quote you on that?

Ah. Uh, ahem.

Relax. Your entertainment is practically ready. Now go on.

- Get in there and fight. - Oh. Oh.

[chuckles]

[elephant trumpeting]

Oh, dear.

You should cut out starches.

[indistinct chatter]

Please hurry.

Psst!

- [indistinct chatter] - Psst!

[indistinct chatter]

Say, have you got a slow leak?

Now, if no one cares for more coffee, we'll all be going.

[indistinct chatter]

I'll have another cup of coffee.

[indistinct chatter]

Don't leave me, Suzanna. Can't you see that I love you?

There, you dragged it out of me. I love you, all of you.

- Oh. - I love you feverishly.

Have you got a thermometer on you?

[giggling]

Uh, not here, monsieur. Not here.

Oh, I can't help it. It's just the animal in me.

[crickets chirping]

You get it? No, I don't care what you do.

As long as the show don't go on. Now get going. Come on.

So Carter has friends! You better beat it!

Says you!

[crickets chirping]

[groans]

[honking]

- Uh, oh! - Thanks, Punchy. Just in time.

Hey, stop that! Stop that! S..

Help! Help! Police! Punchy!

(Antonio) 'Hey, stop that! Stop that! Help! Police! Punchy!'

Help! Help! Punchy!

- Get.. Punchy! - Oh!

Get him, Punchy. Attaboy.

[whistles]

[water spraying]

Hey, I bet Carter's behind this. Let's find him. Go on.

[crickets chirping]

[kissing]

So, it's you.

I fix you.

[splashes]

[blows]

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter]

Haven't you had enough coffee? My guests are waiting.

Yes, I, I think I've had enough.

Psst. Two minutes.

Very well, then, we'll all be going.

I think I'll have another cup of coffee. It's awfully good.

- Isn't it? - Oh..

[indistinct chatter]

Now don't worry, the entertainment is right on tap.

Are you sure? Where is Jardinet?

[snaps fingers] Oh, I knew there was something I wanted to tell ya.

- He isn't coming. - What?

[instrumental "La Marseillaise"]

I am Jardinet!

Oh, Jardinet, oh!

'Oh!'

[indistinct chatter]

I cross the ocean. I am called a dope ring.

I race on a train. When I get here, what do I find?

Animals. Animals!

- Animals? - Animals?

Mrs. Dukesbury's friends are my friends. I'll take care of him.

Monsieur La Fontaine, please be careful.

Animals, indeed!

This is the most incredible thing that has ever happened.

You're all upset. Why don't you go back to Paris and lie down?

Jardinet's symphony never has been so humiliated.

- I have a notion not to play. - That's an excellent notion.

Come on. I'll put you on the bus.

But I have given my word. I will play.

- Yes, I will play. - Of course you'll play.

But you'll play on the bandstand down on the water.

- On the water? But my audience. - Don't worry.

You start playing, they'll come down in spite of it.

- Mrs. Dukesbury's idea. - Crazy Americans!

- We're ready, boss. - Fine, uh..

Take this bearded symphony down to the bandstand

and see that he gets a good sendoff.

Okay, boss.

[door shuts]

Now I know you'll all be thrilled!

Jardinet's opening number

will be Beethoven's somber and spiritual first movement

of his second concerto, album three, opus four...

And number five on the hit parade.

[circus music]

Oh, my goodness. What's going on?

[music continues]

Open it.

[screaming]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, she's alright.

It's just the excitement.

Hurry, hurry, hurry, folks, the fastest feet get the best seat.

'Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, folks. Hurry, hurry.'

See that man-eating elephant.

[mimicking elephant trumpeting]

'Hurry, hurry, see, the cannon'

'that shoots a human being.'

[orchestra warming up]

- Now? - Now!

[orchestra music]

You monster! You're responsible for this disgrace.

That's gratitude for ya, most men

get their sweethearts one ring for an engagement.

- I got you three rings. - A circus.

I'll be a laughingstock.

I see it all now.

My nephew did this to humiliate me.

You mean, he did you a favor, I was afraid Jardinet wouldn't

get here, so I wired Jeff to come and help us out.

And there he is. Doing rather well, don't you think?

♪ Step up and take a bow ♪

♪ Don't be modest don't be shy ♪

♪ Show that thoroughbred look in your eye ♪

♪ Step up with grace and pride ♪

♪ Take that oompah oompah oompah-pah ♪

♪ In your stride ♪

♪ My heart began to beat in rhyme ♪

♪ Oompah-pah oomph in three-quarter time ♪

♪ You charmed me like that Lorelei ♪

♪ When you waltzed by ♪

♪ You took my heart ♪

♪ And now here's to love ♪

♪ Take a bow ♪♪

[applauding]

Oh, Jeffie!

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

They liked that dinner you gave 'em. They'll eat this up.

- Sawdust and all. - But how about Jardinet?

Probably on his way back to Paris.

[orchestra music]

[upbeat music]

[applauding]

Mrs. Dukesbury! Mrs. Dukesbury!

[music continues]

Mrs. Dukesbury, speech, speech!

[applauding]

See? You're a sensation.

[indistinct chatter]

[applauding]

Well, I guess you're licked.

Yeah. They don't pay off until this show is over.

And this show ain't over yet.

[chuckles] Oh.

And, uh, now, kiddies

if you'll all pull up your chairs

Suzie would like to mumble a little double talk in Esperanto.

- Oh.. - Here you are, sugar.

[clears throat] My dear, dear friends, I'm thrilled to..

- He, he might kill somebody. - That's his business.

- I'm stopping the show. - I don't want no part of this.

[gate unlocks]

[growling]

[intense music]

[screaming]

[screaming]

Get me out of this cannon! Get me out of this cannon!

[comical music]

Keep calm, folks. It's all part of the show..

Get me out of this cannon! Get me out of this cannon!

Please, get me out of this cannon!

[music continues]

[grunting]

[growling]

[grunting]

[growling]

[growling]

[music continues]

[indistinct chatter]

We're offering a five-dollar prize, folks

for anyone who can pick out the ape.

'Change your partners.'

Help! Help! He's got me! He's got me!

(Loophole) 'I hope he's got two pair of pants with that suit.'

[music continues]

Let me up there, you fool! Let me up!

Somebody do something!

- Somebody do something! - 'There they go!'

It's a great race, folks, as they go into the back stretch.

Gibraltar's leading, but Carter and Punchy

are hanging on. Will Gibraltar make it?

'Now they're coming into the home stretch, Gibraltar still'

'leading, Carter second by'

'a trapeze. Punchy's third by a heel.'

Get me out of this cannon! Get me out of this...

Don't worry, Mrs. Gooseberry. I'll save you.

(Loophole) 'It looks like a driving finish.'

'And there goes Seabiscuit.'

Y-ya-hoo! Oh, oh, my goodness!

Oh, my goodness. Help me!

I'm sorry, Mrs. Dukesbury.

I didn't know it was loaded.

Oh! Oh!

Here I come, Mrs. Gooseberry.

I save you again.

(Loophole) 'Swing your lady.'

Get ready now, Mrs. Gooseberry.

When I grab your ankles, you let go.

(Suzanna) Let go. Let go, I say.

Let go! Let go! Do you hear me?

Bring in the cage! Help me with the net. Come on!

[upbeat music]

Oh-oh! There goes my dress! Let go!

Oh, Mrs. Dukesbury.

Is there an insurance agent in the house?

Help! Help! Somebody save me!

[music continues]

[laughing]

[drumroll]

- Grr.. - Help! Help!

[growling]

(Loophole) Calling Tarzan!

Calling Tarzan.

[upbeat music]

Jump! It's alright. Come on, jump.

Oh. Do you think that they could hold me? Oh, dear.

Oh! Oh, here I go!

[music continues]

Well, here goes!

Call him off! Get him away!

[screaming]

- Oh! - Oh!

[applauding]

Look, the money!

Is it all there?

[grunting]

[mumbling]

[orchestra music]

[instrumental music]