Original subtitles

* Men. *

Aw, damn.

Which password did I use for this?

Um...

Uh, Jake.

(sighs) Nope. Um...

Jake-1.

Jake-2.

Alan.

Alan-1.

WALDEN: Berta!

Ooh, maybe that's it!

Big Scary Lady.

Where is Berta?

She went home early. Said she wasn't feeling well.

Anything I can do for you?

Out of dental floss.

Ooh. Uh, waxed?

Unwaxed? Cinnamon?

You carry a selection of dental floss?

I am a soldier in the war against gingivitis.

Got the gums of a 20-year-old.

I'll take the cinnamon.

Ooh, good choice.

Clean teeth and fresh breath.

Mm-hmm.

What are you doing?

I was trying to do some on-line banking,

but I forgot my password.

I can help you with that. Move over.

Oh, I forgot I had a computer genius in the house.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, let's put in your e-mail address.

And click on "forgot password."

Hey, there's a password hint.

"What is my favorite state?"

Uh, California?

You are a hacker's nightmare.

Not California.

Huh.

Gosh, um, try Hawaii.

Nope.

The good news is we only have 48 states to go.

Favorite state, favorite state.

What's my favorite state?

(Skype ringtone plays)

I'm getting a Skype call.

(groans) It's my ex-wife.

Hi, Walden.

Hi, Bridget.

Engorged!

My favorite state is fully engorged!

Hello, Alan.

Hi, Bridget.

Um, that was just my-my password.

You know what? I'll just let you guys talk.

How do you explain him to people?

I usually tell people that my wife drove me to homosexuality.

What's up?

Billy called.

Billy Stanhope?

Yeah, he said he's has a business proposition for you.

Really?

Why on Earth would I do business with him

after what he did to me?

Hey, don't get upset with me. I'm just the messenger.

I'm not upset. I've moved on.

It, uh, it's behind me.

Yeah, I recognize your "I'm not upset" eye twitch.

My eye is not twitching.

You know, tell him thank you, but no, thank you.

Got it.

I wish him well, but I pass.

Fine.

I'm flattered, but no can do.

Understood.

And if my eye is twitching,

it's only because I have conjunctivitis.

You don't have conjunctivitis, Walden.

We're not married anymore, Bridget.

You have no idea what kind of diseases I have.

Good-bye.

How about that.

Billy Stanhope.

(chuckles)

(screams)

(gasps)

Whoa!

Everything okay?

Yeah. Why?

Uh... the blood-curdling scream?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

No, no, I often react that way after chatting with my ex-wife.

(chuckles) This isn't about my ex-wife.

It's about my ex-friend Billy Stanhope.

Oh, I've never heard you mention him before.

Have you ever heard me mention rectal cancer?

No.

Same principle.

What went down between you two?

(chuckles)

Well, we built

a software company in Bridget's garage,

and then sold it for a couple billion dollars.

That son of a bitch.

No wonder you hate him.

I don't think you understand.

He didn't want to sell, so when we did, he went crazy.

Really?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Here, look, he put it on YouTube

for the whole world to see.

BILLY: Hello, world.

It's me, Billy Stanhope,

and I'm here to drop another smart bomb of truth!

This is my ex-partner Walden Schmidt.

Oh, isn't he pretty?

Hey, Walden, tell everyone how pretty you are.

I'm pretty!

(makes kissing sounds)

Yes, you are. You are pretty.

But that's just on the outside.

On the inside, you are a soul-sucking,

money-grubbing sellout!

Oh, don't forget giant douche.

I'm also a giant douche!

Thanks, buddy.

I'm always forgetting about your extreme doucheyness!

You know what I'm gonna do, Walden?

I... I'm gonna eat you, yeah.

I'm gonna eat you and chew you up,

and digest you and then go in the bathroom

and take a big steaming Schmidt!

Whoa.

You think that's bad.

Watch this one.

Hey, folks! Walden Schmidt here.

I just wanted you to see me as I really am.

So he's actually talking out of his ass?

He calls it "buttriloquism"

That's-That's very disturbing.

Yeah.

That's the least disturbing

of the ass-talking videos.

(stammering): It-It's crazy.

I made this guy, like, a billion dollars,

and then he turns on me.

And then he accuses me of being a sellout.

Talk about ingratitude.

If you made me rich,

the only thing I'd accuse you of

is being the best... guy ever.

Thanks.

Seriously. If you don't believe it,

throw me a couple of mil and get ready for a tongue bath.

I doubt that will be necessary.

I am not talking just metaphorically.

I will lick you from head to toe.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men. *

(doorbell rings)

Surprise.

You gotta be kidding me.

Walden...

Walden, come on!

Hey, who's at the door?

Rectal cancer!

(knocking)

(knocking continues)

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Billy Stanhope.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I recognize you from the video.

You look good.

Well, you know, I cut out sugar and took up yoga,

stopped smoking crack.

Well, whatever it is you're doing, it's working.

Who are you?

Oh, yeah, I'm Walden's friend...

confidante, mentor, gatekeeper.

Oh, yeah, Bridget told me about you.

Yeah, the leech.

Alan Harper. Pleased to meet you.

Hey. Listen, gatekeeper, any way I could talk

to Walden for just five minutes?

Oh, I don't think so. He's pretty peeved.

I got this billion-dollar idea

that can't move forward without him.

But, look, if he won't see me, he won't see me, so...

Hold up, Billy.

Come on in. Come on in.

Uh, talk to me.

So, uh, a billion dollars, you say?

At least. Wow.

What could possibly be worth a billion dollars?

It's simple, really.

I mean, are you familiar with

Web-based aggregate upstream power grid manipulation?

Uh... I-I have Netflix.

Okay, look, it's not important.

If you could just...

I just need to talk to him for five minutes.

I don't think that's gonna happen.

All right. Here's $50.00.

Wait right here. Okay.

(knocking on door) Yeah?

ALAN: Got a second?

Yeah, come in.

Whatcha doin'?

Playing a racing game.

Ah, that's fun.

Uh, after my divorce, I played "World of Warcraft" for a while,

hoping to meet girls.

Did you meet any?

Well, let's just say, if you're

lonely enough and drunk enough, everybody's a girl.

So, listen, um, I was having

a very interesting conversation with your former compadre.

You let that son of a bitch in my house?

Uh, well, yeah, I-I was just...

You let him in my house?!

Well, I didn't see any harm.

I kinda felt sorry for the guy.

I thought I could trust you, Alan!

You can! I just got sucked in by the words

"billion dollar idea."

What idea?

Uh, something about, uh,

upstream grid perambulation?

What?

Uh, in-in-incubation... ma... ma-masturbation...

I don't know!

Was it Web-based aggregated

upstream power grid manipulation?

Yes, that's it.

Oh, my God...

He figured out The Electric Suitcase.

Is it really worth a billion dollars?

Oh, yeah.

Probably should've held out for more than 50.

All right, let's hear it.

Oh, you look good without the beard.

And you look good without the crack pipe.

Okay, just...

You really think

we can finally build The Electric Suitcase?

Yes. We have the technology now.

I-I just need you to help me write the code.

(exaggerated scoffing)

Really?

You need my help?

'Cause I-I thought I was just a pretty face,

and you were the brains behind the operation.

Okay, we both know that was Class-A narcotics

and psychotic jealousy joining forces to...

to tell the truth.

Okay.

Say you're sorry and... we'll get to work.

I'm here, isn't that enough?

Nope. Get out. Okay.

Wait, what-whatever.

Fine.

I'm...

Oh, wait.

Wald, come on, man.

Okay. Go.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to who?

I'm sorry to Walden Schmidt.

For?

(sighs)

For calling him names.

And?

Frivolously suing him for $100 million.

Okay.

Now cross your eyes, stick out your tongue,

and dance like a monkey.

(laughs)

I will rip your throat out!

Bring it on, Poppin' Fresh!

I will do it! Fellas! Fellas!

I will do it!

Oh, wait!

Hey, hey, hey!

(Billy shrieking)

(all shouting)

I'm getting too old for this crap.

* Men. *

Now, come on, shake hands.

I don't wanna.

Okay.

Walden, you want to be the bigger man?

I am the bigger man.

Oh, that's-- yeah, with the short jokes, okay.

No, you are a short joke.

(mocking): "You are a short joke."

Walden, that's not helping.

Now, come on, guys, this is silly!

Now, you've got a billion-dollar idea

waiting for us.

Us? Us?

Okay, you.

Bring it in.

See, see? Was that so hard?

Guess not.

Remember the fight we had

over what to name our first piece of software?

(chuckles): Yeah.

You wanted to call it MusicAlgorithm.com.

Yeah, because that's what it was.

What it was was boring.

Yeah, it was a lot better than SongSnatch.

Whoa, hey!

SongSnatch is catchy.

Oh, yeah, so is herpes!

Why didn't we call it Herpes.com?!

Because it was taken!

Guys, guys, let's-let's bring it back, okay?

Easy does it, guys.

(sighs)

Right.

Sorry.

So what did you end up calling it?

Blungogo.

How'd you come up with that?

It was the sound that Billy was making

when I was trying to choke him to death.

(strained): Blungogo!

I heard that, I knew that was the name.

Yeah. Way to go, partner.

Hey, if you hadn't been trying to kill me,

it never would've come out of my mouth.

You really think we can build this thing?

If anybody can do it, it's us.

All right, where would we start?

Well, first thing, we'd go over

the original design for the code,

split it up into little chunks that can be handled

by multiple parallel processors.

Sounds good.

Yeah, that's what I would do, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Then we can start compiling the modules,

testing them, see if we can get them to talk to each other.

Yeah, exactly.

No brainer.

Maybe the way to start is I'll set up the testing sandbox,

and you set up the I/O module,

and then we'll just go from there.

Good.

What do I do?

What can you do?

Uh...

I-I can make cookies.

You like cookies?

Anyway, it's a multi- billion-dollar idea

that doesn't have a prayer

unless I get these two guys together.

And how do they thank me?

They eat my cookies and send me to 7-Eleven

for Red Bull and Hot Pockets.

Aw. I got to tell you,

my feelings are a little bit hurt.

I mean, I thought Walden and I

were, like, best friends, but it turns out,

this Billy guy is really his best friend.

Well, old friends are hard to compete with.

Yeah.

The sad thing is I don't really have any old friends.

What about the people you went to school with?

My social life at school was mostly running and hiding.

Summer camp?

Oh, I still get Christmas cards

from this one counselor who's in prison.

Prison?

Pedophile.

Ew.

So, what happened to your girlfriend?

Oh, she's on vacation.

Oh, where'd she go?

Wouldn't say.

It's kind of a vacation from me.

So what you're saying is there's absolutely no one in your life

who you consider a close friend?

I don't count.

Well, there is one person I have a lot of history with.

Hey, pal, what's up?

* Men. *

Hey, don't forget to declare the routine global.

Yeah, do I look like my e-mail address is at AOL.com?

Man, I've had to pee for, like, an hour.

I've had to pee for two hours.

If you really have to go,

there's a bathroom down the hallway.

Oh, hey, I can hold it.

If you have to use it though, go right ahead.

Oh, no, I can hold it.

All right, fine.

You really are a competitive son of a bitch, aren't you?

Hey, don't rag on me just 'cause you have a girlie bladder.

We'll see who's got the girlie bladder.

Oh, okay. Well, all right.

(coughs)

(sighs)

(singsongy): I don't have to cross my legs.

I don't have to cross my legs, either.

You know what, I think I'm going to

print this routine as a backup.

Control... P.

That's a good idea.

I think I'm gonna print up all of my routines.

P-P-P...

P-P... P...

P-P! P...

* Men. *

Soup?

Why'd you bring me soup?

'Cause you're sick.

Oh, right.

(coughs)

Thank you.

And let's face it,

friends should take care of each other.

We're friends?

Oh, come on, Berta.

How many years have we known each other?

That-That's got to count for something.

You have been in my life longer than both my husbands

and most of my underwear.

Come here, friend.

Now we're hugging friends.

Those hands start to wander, this friendship is over.

(doorbell rings)

Excuse me.

You know, that's-that's what I love about you.

You know, the salty sense of humor,

poking fun at me.

That's the glue that binds us together.

Right.

Gracias.

Adios.

What was that?

It's Mexican Halloween.

So, listen, friend, I wonder if you'd do me a little favor.

Uh, sure, name it.

I need you to go to this address,

ask for Shermie and give him this envelope.

Oh, happy to.

No one else, only Shermie.

Okay.

Who's Shermie?

Just a guy I owe some money to.

So this is the money.

Most of it.

(both grunting)

(gasping): Ow! Oh! Okay...

(sighs)

Okay.

(both sighing)

Sometimes peeing's better than sex.

Absolutely.

Although, when I was smoking crack,

a lot of times peeing and sex were the same thing.

Hey, uh, while we're on the subject...

What, peeing?

No, sex.

Something you should know.

About sex?

I think I'm okay.

Yeah, we've all seen the python.

What can I tell you, it's factory equipment.

Right, great, no.

It's about your ex-wife.

What, Bridget?

Yeah, I'm, uh... kinda sleeping with her.

What?!

Hey, watch where you're pointing that thing!

When did this start?

Well, you know I always had a thing for her.

And when you guys broke up, I took her out, you know,

gave her a shoulder to cry on,

and she just kind of worked her way down.

So when she called me about you...?

I was there.

Oh, man.

Hey, I wasn't listening.

Her thighs were covering my ears.

Oh, you son of a bitch!

Hey! Okay, okay!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey! Don't! Don't!

I swear to God, Shermie!

That's all she gave me!

Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap.

Ah.

(tires screeching)

Oh, crap, oh, crap.

(screams)

* Men. *

You still mad about me and Bridget?

I hate your guts.

Good, that's what I was going for.

Hey.

What... what happened to your pants?

Uh, I had a little accident.

Um...

Why are you wearing robes?

Uh, we had a little accident, too.

(laughs)

H-H-How are you guys doing?

Oh, hey, we're good, man.

We're about to, uh, about to test the first module.

Walden, would you do the honors?

Oh, no, please.

No, it was your vision.

Yeah, but it was your expertise.

Yeah, but I'm banging your ex-wife.

All the while wondering if she misses the python.

Press the damn button.

Fine.

Behold the birth

of The Stanhope-Schmidt Electric Suitcase.

(gasps) Yes! Yes!

(both laugh)

That's it?

I mean, I have an iPhone app

that'll turn out the house lights.

No, no, no, no. It's much more than that.

Name a state.

Engorged.

Oh, okay.

Uh, Florida.

(tapping keys)

(Walden chuckles)

ALAN: Okay, I'm-I'm sorry, guys,

I just don't get it.

I'm going to bed.

BILLY: Oh, try Canada.

WALDEN: Lights "oot."

(taps a key)

(Billy and Walden laugh)

BILLY: Okay, now... the master switch.

(taps a key)

BILLY and WALDEN: Awesome!

Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org