Original subtitles

* Men.

(sighs)

Oh, God.

Walden. (grunts)

Wake up. You have to go.

What?

My daughter's going to be up soon.

I don't want her to find you in here.

(grunting): Okay...

I'm awake.

Now get dressed.

All right.

Um... before I go,

I do have that morning phenomenon

that sometimes happens to fellas.

You know, in the morning.

I don't care about your erection, okay?

Okay, fine, fine.

I just thought that I would point it out

since it is...

you know, pointing out.

Very impressive.

Now, skedaddle before Ava wakes up, okay?

You know, at some point, I'm going to have to meet her.

At some point, yes, but not today.

Yeah, well, I kind of feel like I already know her.

I mean, I'm certainly familiar

with her port of entry into this world.

Yes. Ha ha.

Now, get out.

AVA: Mummy?

(gasps)

Uh... closet!

Really? The closet? Isn't that kind of cliché?

Oh, God. In!

I want to snuggle.

Good idea!

Let's snuggle in your room.

No, here.

Here. Of course.

Um, good.

Now, close your eyes,

and Mummy will give you a super-duper snuggle.

Mwah!

Are your eyes closed?

Uh-huh.

Are Winston's eyes closed?

He's not real, Mummy.

All righty.

(coughing): Get out!

(no voice)

All done.

Now, what do you say

we make some pancakes?

Yay!

Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!

Pancake train! Pancakes!

BOTH: Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!

I like pancakes.

AVA: I left Winston on your bed.

(gasping)

I could totally be Spider-Man.

(thud, groan)

(high-pitched): I think I broke my morning phenomenon.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Does it involve money, drugs or pregnancy?

No.

How can I help you, my son?

You and Eldridge's mom are dating again, right?

Right. You think you'll ever get married?

Uh, well, actually, we talked about that

and decided the only reason to do it

would be if we wanted to have more kids,

and since we both...

...had so much success the first time,

there's really no point.

Oh.

What brought that up?

Oh. Me and Eldridge were thinking

it would be cool if we were brothers,

so that we could switch places to fool people.

That only works if you're twins, Jake.

How do you know for sure I'm Jake?

Morning. Morning.

What happened to you?

I was perched on a dresser, and I fell on my penis.

Oh. I hate when that happens.

Uh... uh, dare I ask?

Uh, yeah, I was hiding from Zoey's daughter.

Oh. Still doesn't want you to meet her? No.

Well, it's not unusual for single moms

to be protective of their kids.

And then, when you are introduced to them,

you're "Uncle Alan, who's on his way back to Cleveland,

"and you don't have to remember his name

because you'll never, ever see him again."

What do you do to women to piss them off so much?

If I knew, don't you think I'd stop?

Well, the daughter stuff

isn't the only thing bothering me about Zoey.

Oh, I thought you guys were getting along great.

Well, we are... most of the time.

It's just...

Have you ever been in a relationship

where you're really into each other,

but the sex isn't everything it could be?

Oh, sure.

Uh, except for the "really into each other" part.

It's not that the sex is bad, Mm-hmm.

it's just that...

lately, it seems like she could just take it or leave it.

Oh... "Take it or leave it."

Boy, I know that song.

But my philosophy is,

as long as she's taking it, I'm not leaving.

You know what she said to me last night, after we had sex?

(British accent): "That was nice.

Now let's do something fun."

Well, I suppose that's better than,

"Put your pants on so we can get back to the family reunion."

You're kidding, right?

Oh, she was just a cousin by marriage.

So have you actually talked to Zoey about your problem?

No. I was just hoping it would just get better.

Oh, no, no, no. Take it from me.

There are two things in long-term relationships

that never get better by themselves.

One is sex.

What's the other one?

Does it matter?

ZOEY: It's all arranged.

Ava's going to be spending tonight with her dad.

Great.

So sleepover at my house?

Sounds heavenly.

Although I don't know how much sleeping we'll do.

(chuckles) Cheeky monkey.

Shall I bring around some Chinese?

Hey, the more, the merrier.

Ha, ha.

You know, if there's anything I can do

to, you know, make you happier...

What on Earth are you talking about?

I just... I couldn't help but notice...

(chuckles)

I can't even say it.

(laughs) Come on, Walden.

You can tell me anything.

All right.

The sex.

You don't... you don't seem to be enjoying the sex.

Okay, I can't talk about that.

Okay, y-you said we could talk about anything.

Yeah, but not about that.

And certainly not on a computer. (groans)

Why? Nobody's listening.

I'm sorry.

I'm-I'm very uncomfortable talking about...

you know... (shudders)

No offense, but you don't seem

that comfortable doing it, either.

You're still talking about it.

I-I-I mean, because if you're not,

I mean, there are... there are things that we can do.

There are things we can try.

Like?

I don't know, like role-playing.

Role-playing?

Yeah. You know...

"Hey, lady, I'm here to clean the pool."

But I don't have a pool.

No, it's an imaginary pool.

How is you cleaning an imaginary pool

supposed to be erotic?

Okay, okay, just forget the pool.

I... all I'm saying is-is that,

if there's anything I can do, just let me know.

Thank you for your concern,

but I'm perfectly satisfied with our...

carnal interludes.

Really?

Carnal interludes?

Well, what do you want me to call it?

It doesn't matter. I mean, the distance

between "carnal interludes" and what I would call it

isn't really susceptible to compromise.

All right, listen, I have to run and take Ava

to her father's, so I'll see you tonight, yes?

Great.

Walden, believe me,

I am fine and dandy with our...

Carnal interludes.

See you.

BERTA: Everything okay

with you and Mary Poppins?

Were you eavesdropping?

If I don't eavesdrop,

I've got nothing to tweet about.

The problem is she's English.

Stiff upper lips and all that.

You should date a nice Polish girl.

You don't say.

Oh, yeah.

Those Commies, they're all freaks.

Sex is the only thing

they didn't have to stand in line and wait for.

Good to know.

I think I'll stick with Zoey.

I just wish I could get her to relax.

You know, let go.

Me, I'm just the opposite.

I can get off leaning against the dryer

with a couple of sneakers in it.

Is that why my Nikes are so clean?

Win-win.

Listen, if you want to loosen up the Duchess of Dull-In-Sack,

you might try slipping her one of my special brownies.

I got a fresh batch in the fridge.

You know, for my glaucoma.

Thank you, but I'm...

I don't want to have to get Zoey loaded to enjoy sex with me.

Suit yourself.

Doesn't want to get her loaded.

What's the matter with kids today?

* Men.

(movie playing on TV)

Aw.

That was a lovely movie.

Yeah, that Hugh Grant is really something.

(sighing)

Something wrong?

No. Why?

Usually, at this point in the evening,

you start getting frisky.

Frisky?

Randy.

Randy?

All right. "Horny."

(laughs) Made you say it.

Is that an invitation to get frisky?

If you want.

If you want.

Well, I want if you want.

No, no, I want you to want

because you want, not because I want.

Okay, I've lost the thread.

Now, are we gonna do this or not?

Only if you want.

Oh, Walden, why are you making this so difficult?

Because I... it's not fun for me unless you're having fun.

All right.

Let's have some fun.

Oh, look.

It's the pool cleaning man.

Come to clean my pool, have you?

Okay, that's... that's enough.

My, what a big chlorine bottle you've got.

O-Okay, please stop.

Let's just stop.

You sure?

Yes.

Oh, okay.

We'll go to sleep, then.

Do you like brownies?

What?

Is this another game?

The sexy pastry chef.

No. No.

Come to butter my baking pan, have you?

(chuckling): No. No.

No. Uh... no.

No. Okay.

It's just that...

Berta made these... pot brownies,

and I just thought maybe,

if we had one, that we could relax a little bit.

Oh... Tried that once at university.

Had a bit of a giggle.

Is that a yes?

I don't see any harm in it.

What was that?

Do you hear police sirens?

I hear police sirens.

(imitating European siren)

Dear God, they're from France!

(whimpers)

(panting)

Bummer.

(Zoey imitating European siren)

Oh, no, they're getting closer!

(imitating European siren)

Looks like someone else found the brownies.

Oh, good, you saw her, too.

WALDEN: Zoey!

Zoey!

Okay, she's definitely not on the beach.

Don't worry, man, I'm sure she's somewhere.

That's true.

Everybody's somewhere.

Whoa, that is seriously deep.

Slice?

Ah, thank you.

Okay.

We got to find Zoey before something horrible happens.

This is very good.

Anyway, we should split up.

A hundred bucks to the man who finds her.

Hundred bucks?

We're in.

Cool.

Maybe she's on the beach.

WALDEN: Zoey! Zoey!

Okay.

We have to find Zoey before he does.

Where would you go if you were stoned and freaking out?

Taco Bell.

Excellent.

Let's go.

I'm right behind you.

WALDEN: Zoey! Zoey!

Mmm...

Hello.

Mm, hello, Alan.

What's going on?

Just a little snack.

I see.

Uh, where's Walden?

Beats me.

Hey, you know what's very weird?

You Americans call these chips, we call them crisps.

And what we call chips, you call...

French fries.

Oh, don't get me started on the French.

Yeah.

Um, did you have one of Berta's brownies?

Indeed I did.

I did indeed.

Indeed I did a doody-deedy.

Hey,

where's Walden?

We're supposed to be having good sex.

Oh, is that so?

Mm.

He thinks I don't enjoy it, but it's just hard for me

to give myself to a man unless I trust him completely.

I certainly understand that.

But once I do, I have orgasm after orgasm,

especially if you spank my bottom

while I ride you like a Vespa.

Okay. I'll-I'll try to pass that along.

Um...

Okay, I'm going to bed now.

Night. Hmm. Mm.

By the way, I know I haven't always

been very warm to you.

Well, that's true.

(chuckles)

It's only 'cause I don't care for you very much.

Understood.

Nighty-night.

Good night.

Nice change of pace hearing it with an accent.

(imitating Zoey): "I just don't care for you very much."

It's classy.

Oh, hey.

Oh, hey, there you are.

Zoey's looking for you.

She's here?

Yeah, she went to bed.

Oh. Thank God.

I better go check on her.

But first, ice cream.

(door closes)

JAKE: Good news! We found Zoey!

* Ta-da!

Which one of you is the billionaire looking for me?

I'm so sorry about last night.

Don't be silly.

I'm just glad you didn't end up in a French prison.

(chuckles)

(imitating European siren)

(laughs)

I hope you don't think I'm a lost cause.

No, no.

I do like... you know.

Glad to hear.

Don't worry, I will not stop until I hear Paul Revere.

I beg your pardon?

You know, the British are coming!

The British are coming!

(laughs)

Hello.

Nigel, what are you doing here?

I had to bring Ava back early.

Hello. Nigel Pierce.

Walden Schmidt.

Nigel is my ex-husband.

A role I relish.

I need to catch a plane to London,

so you'll have to have Ava for the weekend.

And what if I have plans?

Yes, I can see your plans.

Mummy, Daddy said he can't take me to the zoo.

Oh, wonderful, just wonderful.

Are you and Daddy going to fight?

No. Mummy will take you to the zoo instead of Daddy.

Brilliant, make me the bad guy.

Oh, no one made you the bad guy, you were born to it.

Uh, you know what, Ava?

I'm a little thirsty.

Maybe you could show me where I could get a glass of water.

Is it all right, Mummy?

Yeah. Good idea.

Come on, then.

They're gonna fight now.

Yeah, I know.

So this is what you prefer now, hmm?

Underwear models?

He happens to be a billionaire.

Yes, well, I happen to be 107th in line to the throne.

Here's your water.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Oh, whoa!

This is the best water I have ever had.

Did you make this yourself?

No, silly, it came out of the fridge.

Oh.

Well, then cheers.

Mmm.

I'm a queen.

You are?

Queen Ava.

Well, then what am I?

I have no idea.

(British accent): Walden Schmidt, Your Majesty.

Pleased to meet you.

I shall call you Sir Schmidt.

Oh! At your service.

Oh!

(laughing)

(laughing): Oh! Oh!

Well, you two seem to be getting along.

Can Sir Schmidt come with us to the zoo?

Sir Schmidt?

Hmm. I don't know.

Please?

He's my loyal subject.

Well, I suppose, if he wants.

(cockney accent): I live to do the queen's bidding.

(chuckles)

All right, go and get your jacket.

Yay!

Sir Schmidt?

My grandfather shortened it from Schmidt-a-Lot.

(sighs): Oh, goodness.

That was quite a day.

Yeah. It was fun, wasn't it?

It was.

Is she still sleeping?

She's comatose.

Here, let me take her.

(groans with effort) Shh.

Oh, dear, you have a bit of drool on your shoulder.

Oh, that's not a problem.

My housekeeper has a lot of experience with drool stains.

Ah. I'm gonna go and put her down.

Be right back.

(ringtone playing)

Hey, Jake.

Really? You found Zoey.

That's great.

Thank you.

Little dude's got to lay off the brownies.

She's absolutely knackered.

It was a long day.

You were just wonderful with her.

Thanks.

Well, I guess I better head home.

I think not.

What's happening?

It's very, very simple.

I'm going to take you into my bedroom

and bang you like a snare drum.

WALDEN: Yippee!

* Men.

Oh, hey. Where you been?

I went to the zoo with Zoey and her little girl.

Wow! So you finally met the daughter.

Yep. Might make it tough

if the relationship doesn't work out.

Why wouldn't it work out?

Well, you know, the lack of

sexual chemistry you were talking about.

Oh, no, we're way past that.

Oh. So she opened up about her trust issues?

Trust issues?

No, zoos make her horny.

Really? You think that's it?

Yep.

Next weekend, we're going to the San Diego Wild Animal Park.

Uh...

hello.

(with accent): You Walden?

Yeah.

I Zoey.

Ah.

It's nice to meet you.

Well?

Keep looking.

Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org