Original subtitles

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to Top Gear.

Now, thank you. Thank you very much.

Now, in the current climate, I think it's very important

to reassure you all that everything you see on this show is FOR REAL.

LAUGHTER

Yes, nothing on this show is faked in any way.

LAUGHTER

Which makes it all the more amazing when you see what we've got lined up

over the next ten weeks.

MUSIC: "No Cars Go" by Arcade Fire

Hold onto your spleen, everyone.

SCREAMING

No, no, no!

Mayday!

Unbelievable!

You look like a gay cowboy, and you look like a gay terrorist.

Oh, my eyes!

TYRES SCREECH

Oh, dear!

Ah! Ooh!

He is the Stig's African cousin.

Mm! Ah! That's not gone well.

JEREMY LAUGHS

Power!

I am the Road Warrior!

SIREN BLARES

APPLAUSE

It's gonna be good.

Right, right. On with tonight.

Yes, indeed.

Every year, the world's Golf GTI

enthusiasts

congregate in a field in Austria and talk about fuel injection

and wear jumpers with "GTI" on them and, frankly,

I'd rather blowtorch my nipples off, but...

Volkswagen, every year, sends them a little present -

a concept car of some kind, to say, "Thank you for your loyalty."

This year, though, disaster. Volkswagen forgot.

Eight weeks to go.

They had to build something, anything, to keep the fans happy.

Luckily, Volkswagen owns lots of

other car companies -

Bentley, Bugatti, Lamborghini,

Skoda, Audi and Seat -

so they had a big bin to rummage around in for parts.

What they did, then, with the clock ticking,

was take the rear axle and brakes from a Lamborghini Gallardo,

the twin turbo charged W12 engine from a Bentley Continental,

and the rear sub-frame and floor from an Audi R8.

And then, they put all these bits and pieces in the body of a Golf.

And here it is.

It's called the GTI W12,

and unlike most concept cars, it actually works.

Sort of.

As you'd expect with a car made so quickly,

there are one or two issues.

The paddles here on the steering

wheel for the gearbox don't work.

Er, these switches here, they don't work.

Sat-nav does work, but thinks it's in Germany.

And these heating and ventilation

knobs aren't connected to anything.

So I'm very hot.

The six-litre, 640hp, 12-cylinder engine, though...

..that works just fine.

As a result, this car will get from 0 - 60 in 3.5 seconds!

And it will keep on accelerating

all the way to 202.

To contain all the power and the fury,

the W12 is six inches wider

and three inches lower than a normal Golf.

The roof is made from carbon fibre.

The tyres sit like smears of paint on the wheels,

and the engine is where

you'd expect to find the back seats.

To cool it, there are massive intake vents in the sills.

That's why the bottom of the car is swollen

like your granny's ankles.

And they made all these changes in just eight weeks.

However did they lose?

The funny thing is, you sit here looking at a Golf dashboard and a Golf bonnet,

through a Golf windscreen, and you think, "It's a Golf."

But it so isn't!

It's not a particularly savage car.

It doesn't explode when you stamp on the accelerator,

It's just this surge of power that takes you up to 5,500rpm.

And then, the surge becomes a flood.

I can't get away from it!

It is an insane car, this.

Opening up a Golf to find it has 640hp

is like opening up Gordon Brown's trousers

and finding he's wearing stockings and suspenders.

Mad.

Unfortunately, there is a small problem...

This car will not go round corners.

ENGINE REVS, TYRES SQUEAL

TYRES SQUEAL

The wheelbase is short, and it's rear-wheel drive, so you have to be extremely gentle.

You have to treat all the controls like they're made of glass.

SQUEALING

Even if you're really gentle, you'll still... Yes, yes.

You'll still end up coming out

of the corner backwards, like that.

I meant that(!)

Tame the under-steer. There's a lot.

I've got it. No, I haven't!

An hour later, I reckoned I was getting somewhere.

GROWLS:

Come on, come on, come on!

Yes...

BLEEP!

SQUEALING

That doesn't work, either.

I think the kindest thing I can say about the brakes and suspension

is they're...not finished yet.

APPLAUSE

You're such a spanner!

I could have done that.

It just goes, "Eurgh!"

and there's smoke everywhere.

You were. I wasn't. You were.

I wasn't. Let me get one thing clear.

This isn't going to go on sale, is it?

No. Volkswagen sent it to us cos they said, "If people like it,

we'll put it into production."

They're not going to get any encouragement from me. That is ghastly.

My biggest problem is, I can't see the point in saying,

"I've got a supercar and the great thing is, it looks like a Golf."

That's like saying, "I'm married to

a supermodel and the great thing is, she looks like a traffic warden!"

It doesn't make any sense. Even so, we must now see how quickly it can crash on our track.

And for that, we need our tame racing driver.

Yeah, some say that his scrotum has its own small gravity field.

LAUGHTER

And that because our producer rigged a phone-vote,

he now has a new name.

All we know is, he's called Cuddles.

LAUGHTER

And he's off. We know this car is frisky,

but if anyone can tame it, this is the man.

First corner, twitchy on the braking.

Tyres howling in pain.

Back on the power. Nicely done.

No CD today, because predictably, the stereo doesn't work.

OK, through Chicago. Nursing it round there carefully.

Another huge surge of power, coming up to Hammerhead.

Wiggling its hips under the brakes. He's chucked it in.

It's biting back!

Ooh, he's having to fight it every inch of the way.

ENGINE ROARS

Listen to that.

In the Bentley, that engine is as quiet as a startled deer.

Here, it's like being chased by an imploding star!

And about as scary.

Winding it up, here he comes now, through the tyres.

Oh, yeah. Looking good. Ish.

Just two accidents waiting to happen.

Turns in, look at the over-steer!

Cuddles is really having to wrestle it through there.

Up to Gambon. He's taking it very gingerly and I'm not surprised.

Here we are, and across the line.

APPLAUSE

Got the time here.

The time is...

1.29.6

So, Top Gear top tip -

if you want a slow car

that looks like a Golf, get a Golf.

LAUGHTER

It's interesting. The Stig didn't spin that car once on that lap.

Anyway, it's time for the news.

You might notice we've got some new furniture.

And a new telly. Now, the problem is,

there was a fire at our storage depot -

you might have seen it in the papers -

and nearly all of our props were destroyed.

Yeah, and the police are saying, as

you can see here, that it WAS arson.

But I mean, who'd do that?! It's not like we've ever upset anyone.

I know.

LAUGHTER

Well, there was the vicar,

whose tree we rammed in the Toyota pickup truck.

And everyone in Wales.

And everyone in Birmingham, and everyone in America.

Yeah. And while we were making this series,

we managed to upset the Coast Guard,

who said we were ruining the English Channel.

Hang on a minute. What?

You're not seriously suggesting that the British Coast Guard

drove all the way up to Watford and set fire to our chairs, are you?

No, I'm not! I know who did this.

Who?

Fifth Gear.

LAUGHTER

Hang on. Why?!

Can we just look at the evidence?

Just last week, it was in the papers,

they've rolled a Bedford Rascal van - there it is.

A year ago, if we look at a shot from Top Gear,

we rolled a Bedford Rascal van.

They're now saying one of their presenters has hurt his foot.

That's not an accident!

We have proper accidents on this show!

Do you think they're a bit jealous?

Yeah. So, please, really...

Tiff, Vicki, stop burning our things.

Yes(!)

Can I just say, the seats we used to have were from a Vauxhall Senator.

If anybody out there is watching...

Hang on! You're gonna say,

"If you've got a Vauxhall Senator and you don't need the seats..."

Write to us at -

I've Got A Vauxhall Senator And I Drive Everywhere Standing Up

BBC Television, London, wherever we are.

It's worth a shot.

I love the way James has gone into that chair as though he belongs.

Did you notice that?

He's just going, "This is me!"

It actually looks like you get one of these with one of these.

They ship them together as a pair.

It's exactly the same as my furniture at home.

I'm very familiar with it.

Shall we move on? Yes!

There's lots of supercars around at the moment,

so I thought we could take a quick look.

Here's that Roush Ford GT,

and they've turned the super-charger up on that,

so it's now, what, 610 instead of 550hp.

It's going to be £141,000. They're only making ten of those.

Mm. That's as fast as it'll ever go.

In that picture.

And there's this -

the Lamborghini Reventon.

They're only making 20 of these. It is costly - £800,000 apiece!

800 grand?! Yes, but look at it.

It looks like a stealth fighter, it's all angles, it's beautiful.

800,000 quid?! Yeah.

There's the Bentley Brooklands. It's a two-door, um...

What's the other one called that they make?

Continental? Azure?

My, we have been off for a while!

The Arnage. It's a two-door version of that.

530hp, £230,000 - proper Bentley, though.

Old school, proper comfortable. Good for your piles!

LAUGHTER

It's not all supercars. There are some affordable cars as well.

Er, there's one.

OK, now! That's enough of that.

LAUGHTER

Another quick look at the new cars -

Subaru Impreza STi - a hyper-nutter rally thing.

Haven't released many facts about it yet.

Probably gonna be 300hp, thereabouts, turbo-charged engine.

But...we're pretty confident it's not gonna be a looker.

No. No.

Because, well, here's the photograph they sent out.

LAUGHTER

That really is - honestly - that is the photograph they sent out.

We haven't faked that. That's what they sent us.

"Can you send us a picture of your new car?"

"Yes, here it is..."

Doesn't suggest confidence. It's a pig, we know it.

Listen, you know when Britain was a sensible country?

If you had a bump on the motorway,

you pulled over on the hard shoulder,

exchanged names and addresses, and went on your way.

Not any more. If you have a bump on the motorway now,

you know those policemen who aren't really policemen?

They come to the scene of the crash and close the motorway.

Have you noticed? I was coming down the M40 on Wednesday,

tiny crash, couple of broken indicator lenses -

they got there and they had shut all three lanes.

Huge queue, people missing meetings, people missing flights,

just so that they could run around picking things up.

It's just, I've never seen... And do you know what?

I thought, "I'll find out how many other motorways have been closed." I've got a list.

Just on that one day - the M40, the M1, the M25, the M26,

the M66 and the M42 - all shut

by these Wombles.

LAUGHTER

We can manage without you, you DayGlo...

LAUGHTER

Ah, that's... ..Wombles!

That's touching, ladies and gentlemen -

his first rant of the series!

APPLAUSE

Have you got more news? I have. Bentley have recalled some cars.

There is a problem with their wheel-nuts, apparently.

They might not be fastened properly.

LAUGHTER

Bentley say it's not a big deal.

LAUGHTER

It's only one batch of nuts affected.

It only affected - I've got it written down - the Arnage R.

And the Arnage T.

And the Arnage RL.

And the Azure.

So, basically, pretty much all of the cars they make!

And it's only those built between February '05 and August last year.

That's a year-and-a-half!

My favourite is the Government, who actually run this recall.

They say, here, "If the bolts do become loose,

"this would in all probability, be noticeable to the driver."

Yes it would!

"Because there would be a considerable mechanical knocking noise!"

What, when the wheel comes off?!

And sparks! And sky, road, sky, road, ditch.

"Dear, I think there's something wrong with the car."

I think they were jealous of Rolls-Royce.

They used to say that the loudest thing in a Rolls-Royce at 100mph is the clock.

Yeah. So now, Bentley can say,

"The loudest thing in a Bentley at 100mph is the front near-side

wheel falling off!"

LAUGHTER

Um, new Highway Code has come along and it says they advise you don't smoke while behind the wheel.

Why?! I mean, us three all smoke.

It's nothing to be proud of.

The fact is, we all do, and we don't crash. Well, two of us don't!

LAUGHTER

Actually, I've given up smoking as well.

You can't do two things at once.

I can't!

I can multi-task.

You can multi-task? I've seen you, putting your make-up on...

Yeah. And driving.

And driving. I've seen you multi-task when driving.

No, you can't talk about that on the telly.

LAUGHTER

That isn't in the Highway Code!

Yeah, the people who wrote the Highway Code thing,

the ones who say, "If you feel tired, pull off at the motorway services..."

LAUGHTER

I thought you weren't allowed to.

Cos you can't whilst driving.

Sorry... "Pull off..."

So they say that, but on the other hand, they say you can't...

LAUGHTER

There's no way you're gonna...

On the other...

APPLAUSE

Just because THEY can't drive and

smoke, doesn't mean the rest of us are all spanners.

Ridiculous. It is a good point, though, it gives me an idea.

With our track, why don't we have track days,

but instead of getting caught up with how fast you're going,

we just let people smoke while they're driving?

Or put their make-up on. Or use their mobile phone. Or eat a pie.

Yeah, and speed!

£100 - you come here, you're late

for work, you've got to make a call,

you go round the Top Gear test track.

You can make the call, have a pie. A little slice of freedom.

And you don't have to pull off in the services! Exactly.

LAUGHTER

And the £100 you pay us, we can

spend on seats. And that's the news!

Right. It's time for a question.

Where is the best driving road in the world?

Something that has everything -

challenging bends, great views, long, fast straights, the lot.

Yep, it's unlikely to be here, because everyone does five.

It won't be here, cos everyone's on drugs.

That's all just full of ox.

Al Gore says that's gone, so it won't be down there.

Full of spiders. Signposts here are gibberish.

They're all Communists.

Can't go there - Americans will shoot you.

No! Thank you!

All right. Obviously, we did discuss this at length,

and we eventually decided the best

driving road in the world

was probably somewhere in continental Europe.

Specifically, around here. The Alps.

Then we decided that the best thing for us to do

was to go there and see if we could find it.

This is where our quest began -

in the mountains above Monte Carlo, in the south of France.

Obviously, you can't go looking for the best driving road in the world

in a Japanese hatch-back or a people carrier.

So, what we did was bring along a selection of the new generation of lightweight supercars.

I've chosen this - the new Porsche 911 GT3 RS.

In essence, the GT3 is a lighter, tauter version of the 911,

and this, the RS, is a lighter, tauter version of the GT3.

So, this is, in fact,

the ultimate version of the ultimate version of the ultimate version

of the world's ultimate supercar.

No, it isn't.

The ultimate F-Plan supercar is what I've brought along.

It's a Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera,

and it's like a normal Gallardo,

only 100kg lighter,

and the V10 engine is a bit more powerful.

That is quite a recipe.

I suppose it is, if you're a fat

middle-aged bloke

who wants to bore everyone about track-days. As you'd expect,

I've done it properly and got myself

a proper, gentleman's racer - the Aston Martin V8 Vantage N24.

James, that is just a racing car! It hasn't got anything in it at all -

not even a passenger seat!

This isn't just a road-car Porsche

with a bit of scaffolding in the back.

It's 250kg lighter than the standard car.

That's the weight of a big motorcycle.

So, you've got no radio? No.

No carpets? No.

No air-conditioning? No.

James, you have got a car with no air conditioning in the south of

France in the middle of summer!

It's better than that - his windows don't open!

Yes, they do, actually. That's a cat flap!

You've both done the same thing -

standard road cars dressed with

the tinsel of fake high performance.

Has it got air conditioning? Yes, it has.

Have you? Oh, yeah.

Shall we go? Yeah, shall we go? It's getting a bit muggy.

ENGINES START

Right, master switch, on.

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Er, ignition switch, on. Er...

Faffing around.

Fuel reset...

ENGINE ROARS

Pumps are reset...

Fan is off...

ENGINE PURRS

Neutral...

Engine start.

ENGINE COUGHS, THEN ROARS

Yes, excellent, strapping in.

Er, that one must go in there.

Er...

Oh, God!

MUSIC: "Believe Me Natalie" by the Killers

I've done three minutes, and I already adore this car.

This is so much fun.

RICHARD LAUGHS

Eventually, James caught us up,

so we turned off the motorway and

began our search for driving heaven.

It didn't take long.

We found something called the Col De Turini -

a ribbon of tarmac that doesn't really go anywhere,

so it was quiet.

Till we arrived.

ENGINES HUM

This looked like the ideal place

to unleash our cars a little bit.

Lamborghini have used their nous with this car.

They haven't just lobbed away all the things that you might need.

ENGINE ROARS

It's got a thinner prop-shaft, more delicate drive-shafts,

the engine cover is made from plastic, not glass.

Even the wheel nuts are made from titanium.

All of these little things add up to 100kg.

They were going to ditch the four-wheel drive system

to save another 50kg, but today, here, now, on this road...

..I'm glad they didn't!

I was loving the Lamborghini,

but if anything, Richard was loving his Beetle even more.

There is something fantastically purposeful about this car.

They haven't been flash messed about trying to make it look pretty,

they've just taken off what they can take off, made lighter what they can make lighter...

and away we go.

ENGINE ROARS

This thing revs higher than the standard car as well,

so you can just keep on going!

They're so smug about their Nancy-boy versions of lightweight cars.

When you drive a really, really stripped out car like this,

you're put back in touch with what driving is all about.

You can hear all the machinery working

and you can feel what it does.

'And I was glad I didn't have air conditioning.'

I don't know if you've ever picked up an air conditioning pump,

but it is very heavy,

and it saps some of the power of the engine.

I suppose it would be a good idea to explain why a lightweight car

is a good idea.

The problem is, modern cars are very heavy.

They've got all sorts of safety equipment on them - airbags, etc.

We demand luxuries like satellite navigation,

and all this weight spoils the acceleration,

ruins the fuel consumption, upsets the handling,

and getting rid of it makes everything better.

Wow! Look at this. Now look at this bit!

This road is used as a special stage on the Monte Carlo rally.

It's busy, it's twisty, it's got low walls that you can go over,

huge drops that can kill you with ease...

Meanwhile, in the Aston...

I didn't care about James, though. I just cared about this amazing road.

There's something about stringing together a load of hair-pins.

What a road! I mean, what a road!

Honestly, it's..

JEREMY LAUGHS

This metallic rattle -

I keep belting my elbow on something really, really hard.

CAR WHISTLES

Ah, shut up!

Richard and I were now so far ahead of Captain Slow,

we decided to pull over.

How's your Beetle?

Fine, thank you.

How's your Audi? Very funny. Very funny in there, yeah

The harder I drove to catch up, the more unbearable the noise became.

Your Porsche, OK, is £15,000 more...

Than a GT3. ..Than a normal GT3, cos it's got fewer parts.

It's lighter. It stands to reason, the fewer parts, the more expensive it becomes.

Until you get someone with no Porsche at all

who's charged a million pounds!

Oh, no, look - how much is yours?

£150,000.

How much more is it than an ordinary one?

That's a pretty flower! How much more is it? Come on!

(£26,000.)

26 grand! Well, there you go. For what?

METALLIC RATTLING

WHISTLING FROM ASTON MARTIN

Oosh! Here he comes! Finally.

Oh, my testicles!

That is unbelievably good.

Oh, yeah(!) What do we think about that road?

You don't want to talk about your car, James?

No, I thought we were here to find a good road.

You don't like it? It's excellent.

You know you've made a mistake. It's fantastic.

I think that road's a benchmark. A good starting point. Now we should go and find another, better one.

Yeah, we've got stuff to compare it to. Italy. No, Switzerland.

What about Austria?

He just wants to talk about the war. You'll get all maudlin!

No, no. I think Austria is

under-rated. It's got smooth roads.

We've never been there together. It's the smooth roads!

Because his suspension's so hard. Italy's got really bumpy roads.

We should probably look at Italy.

ELECTRONIC BEEPS

A little beep telling me I've used a tank of fuel already.

That's not good.

I've got to do something to get

the seat higher. This is ridiculous.

I'm like an 85-year-old man.

'I was out of juice.'

Hello.

'And although the camera crew had more,

'I couldn't get it from their cans into the car.

Whoa! Do you know what's happened?

Audi, who of course own Lamborghini, they've built all of the car,

and just let the Italians, to keep them happy, do one thing.

Hi. Oh, dear.

Nice view here. Just thought you'd

stop and admire it?

Yeah, I might need your help.

Why? There might be a problem.

What? Fuel filler cap won't open.

Never mind!

See you in Italy.

REVS >

RICHARD LAUGHS

'I broke out the instruction manual, which was all in Italian.'

HE READS SLOWLY IN ITALIAN

"We are useless Italians

and we haven't built this properly."

Oh!

Yes!

Once we'd re-grouped, we joined the motorway along the Italian Riviera.

By no means was this a great driving road,

but there were some consolations.

ECHO OF ROARING ENGINES

It's a symphony, is what it is. The big V10 in this,

the flat six of Hammond's Porsche,

then that brutal V8 in the racing car.

The trouble with tunnel-blasting

in a car with atomic power, like the Lambo,

is that the fuel economy does drop a bit.

I was doing 9mpg.

Oh, dear. Is this your second fill-up?

Yes.

Mine's got a 110-litre, "Endurance" fuel tank.

You two need to get in my slipstream,

because I know you don't have much power.

At no point have I lacked in power to keep up.

How many horse-power?

415. 522. It's how it uses it. It's how it deploys them.

I'm with Hammond. Top speed?

175. Top speed? 185-ish.

195. You're not in the same league.

This is probably quite a good car,

but it's half-hearted and limp-wristed.

It's not a real luxury supercar and neither is it a real lightweight.

James, a little compromise might be useful in your car, be honest.

No, I love it.

In fact, he loved it so much, he bought it a present.

What's that? I've bought a cushion.

Are you admitting that it's uncomfortable? No, no. Yeah, no. No, no, no.

Hold on. He's admitting his car is uncomfortable.

Let me guess, that's interior design, a scatter cushion to look pretty.

So much nicer.

My poor buttocks!

Yeah, but would the weight of that cushion be a problem

if Hammond and I suddenly decided that we were eight years old?

Pedal on the right!

Ha ha! The Lambo and the Porsche

are very, very close.

The Aston Martin seems to be very, very slow.

Didn't expect that in the racing car.

We were heading for the Italian lakes,

but it was time to stop for the night,

and since I'd insisted on coming

to Italy, I'd booked the hotel.

This doesn't look like a very good town.

They're going to shout at me.

DISTANT CAR ALARM SOUNDS

Tell me we've stopped here to steal some wheels or something.

Well, it could be worse. How could this be worse?!

Is that the motorway?

Oh, Jeremy, I always wanted to stay in the Italian lakes.

We're staying here tonight?

Well, yes.

So we're carrying on by bicycle tomorrow? These will have been stolen, obviously.

They did say they had a secure car park that nobody could break into,

and there's absolutely no way that anybody

could possibly get into this car

park in any way, shape or form(!)

It's very simple. What were you thinking?

Do you know my car doesn't have a key or a lock?

Does that save weight?

APPLAUSE

I know. I'm sorry.

Sorry.

That hotel had no bar, no restaurant,

no air conditioning in the rooms. No.

It was like being in his car.

Which is why we left the crew behind

and us three all went nearer

to the lakes to find another hotel.

And the lakes are to the north. Yes. And which way did you take us?

North. East.

Yes. You made us drive 200km

in the wrong direction.

I did that. I did do that. But we found a hotel in the end,

and all was well. You ruined our holiday!

I did, and I'm very sorry.

We must now move on,

because it's time to meet our guest.

Now, the Star In A Reasonably Priced Car tonight once said

that she and her husband

set their alarm clock an hour early every morning

so they had chance to make love before going to work.

Much like James May, although he lives alone.

Erm...

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, star of everything that matters,

Dame Helen Mirren!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

I can rest now.

Have a seat.

I can't tell you how excited I am to have you here. No, I really mean it.

I know everybody talks to you about The Queen, Prime Suspect

as well... Mm-hmm.

But you were in The Long Good Friday. Yes, I was.

This to me, I don't know if anybody would agree,

this is just the greatest... Three quarters have never heard of it.

Have you heard...? They're far too young.

This audience you see, well edu... well educated.

They have heard of it.

Do you live in LA? I've been trying to clear this up.

I live in Wapping. You live in Wapping?

You've got a house... My husband's American so we spend time there.

Is it... In that car culture, you know.

Is it what? Normal. In Los Angeles?

No, it's weird. It's LA.

I'd have thought you'd love it cos people live in their cars

and they do everything in their cars. LAUGHTER

Your autobiography. I've read it

and liked it. No! Really?

I have. I went a bit white when you say that when you were living in Parsons Green,

this is in Fulham in South West London.

Absolutely, yeah. You, you became disillusioned with British society

because of all the young hoorays living round there

throwing bread rolls. Yes.

That was me. I did live in Parsons Green. You didn't? I did. And did you throw food? Yes.

LAUGHTER

I used to order it for its aero-dynamic efficiency.

You're one of those ghastly, ghastly guys

that drove me out of England.

Didn't you also say somewhere that I remind you of Paris Hilton?

Yes, I said you were like Paris Hilton, yes, I did.

I wake up every morning and go, "Paris!

"Oh, no, I'm not." The thing is you are uber-male.

Paris is uber-female.

I think that you're the two sides of the same coin.

I don't put pictures of myself naked on the internet.

Maybe I'll give it a whirl.

Neither did she, to her credit, if someone else did it.

Here's a tip, Paris, if you're watching.

Have sex without a camera.

LAUGHTER

Let's move on to motoring if we may.

I don't think we're gonna agree on much here.

You're not really a big car fan. No, my first car was a disaster.

It was an MG Midget. Those little white things. My brother sold it to me.

The engine blew up within two days.

Didn't you have a Golf GTI? Erm, yes, I did.

I did. That came to a sticky end, my poor old Golf GTI.

Why? What happened? I was doing theatre at the Old Vic, no the Young Vic in Waterloo,

and I'd just cleared out my closet and I had all this stuff

to take to the charity shop and then I thought,

there were no charity shops, I didn't have the time,

and I knew everyone said keep your car locked around here

because things get nicked out of the car.

So I thought, "Perfect. I'll leave my stuff in the car

"I'll leave the car open and it'll all get nicked."

Instead of the stuff getting nicked, my car got torched.

LAUGHTER

No! I came out and it was like this hulk.

What have you got now? I don't have a car now.

Have you got an Oyster Card? Yes, I do, yep. What is one?

It's a brilliant thing. It's this little thing

and when you go on public transport...

which are like buses and tubes and trains,

you have this little card and you swipe it and you're on.

Why wouldn't you go in a car though?

There's a chauffeur driving the bus, in a uniform.

And the tramp sitting next to you vomiting on you.

LAUGHTER

Let's talk about supercars if I may. What's a supercar?

Ferraris, Lamborghinis, where are you on those?

What do you think of a...you know, a middle-age chap in a Lambo?

I think I...I just think most guys who drive...

When I see them I go, "Oh! Dickhead, you know."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh... Sorry.

Probably should have said "Pillock".

Probably shouldn't have said that. Richard Hammond's got one.

Oh, he hasn't, has he? No. He has.

He's not a pillock, he's a nice guy. So I'm sorry, Richard. Is he?

Yes. I thought he was a pillock.

LAUGHTER

So, OK, the lap, obviously.

Fun? It was... I don't know if fun is the right word.

It was terrifying, it was nerve-wracking.

It was adrenaline-pumping.

My hands were shaking like this at the end.

It was sweat-making. It was... It was fabulous.

You did like it then? It was

fabulous. I was thinking...

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Shall we have a look at it? AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Sorry about the TV, but here we go.

It's like being in the '60s.

TYRES SCREECH

That's an aggressive start. Later, hard, hold...

Later, hard... Are you doing the shipping forecast?

Douglas, Dogger, Hard.

Later... Hard! Faroe. What is that?

Is that what The Stig told you to do? He did.

Did he tell you to do that? Slower, harder... Slow into the corners

and then fast out. It's slow, now go!

No! You, idiot!

My language was a lot bluer than that. Oh, yes.

Here we go. Now we're coming up to...

It's such a silly-looking little car.

Did you like it? No. It's awful, isn't it?

Oh, yes!

I liked that bit there. You're cutting the corner there. Picking up speed.

GEAR CLUNKS

That's the wrong gear.

Is it? Is that fourth? It was third.

It was going rrr-rrr.

Yeah. She's really picking up speed now.

This is Michael Gambon's Corner.

Where we nearly lost him.

And round there. Ladies and gentlemen,

across the line.

APPLAUSE

So...

Miraculously undamaged in the fire,

is our board. You had a fire?

Channel Five set fire to everything we own.

Honestly, they did. That's why we're on rubbish furniture. But anyway,

this survived and where do you think you've come there?

If this is the thespian zone... Yes.

Am I in the thespian zone? Yes.

Ray Winstone, Kristin Scott Thomas...

Rick Wakeman is not a thesp... He is actually.

Then Brian Cox and Jimmy Carr, who's a comedian. I have no idea.

Ready? Yes. One...

50... Oh. No!

What do you mean "oh"?

1.52.8 which puts you... Not bad.

So, how many Oscars have you won? One. One Oscar.

Emmys? Four. Golden Globes? Three, I think.

And now it turns out you're faster round our track than Rick Wakeman.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dame Helen Mirren. Thank you.

CHEERING, WHISTLING

Right! Now, now it is time,

it is time to do the Cool Wall.

CHEERING

Unfortunately, unfortunately,

the Cool Wall was one of the major casualties

in our fire but, we will persevere.

Yes we will, and we're gonna kick off with this.

Yes!

It's... Is it a Golf? No, that's more an Alfa.

Don't know about the headlamp. It's an Alfa. What do you think that is?

It's an Audi.

How empty is your life...

that you are able to determine that this is an Audi from that photograph?

This isn't working.

I mean, even if we could put them up,

it won't be much of a... It's ruined.

The Cool Wall's ruined. Sorry.

When Vicki Butler-Henderson burned the Cool Wall...

Yeah. ..she thought she'd flummoxed us.

It doesn't matter, cos we're going to move on to something else that isn't...

James May hasn't been burned. Hurrah for that!

No, actually, I'm fine.

Let's get back to tonight's big film,

in which the three of us are attempting to find the best

driving road in the world

in these three lightweight supercars.

We can't agree which one is the best,

only that his Aston is just awful.

To be honest, we couldn't even agree on where we wanted to go.

I wanted Austria, he wanted Switzerland, but when we left the action

we were driving hundreds and hundreds of boring motorway miles

because Jeremy said the Italian Lakes would be brilliant.

Look at it. Lake Maggiore is just fantastic.

As for the roads...

MACHINERY DRONES

HORNS BEEP

I sat for a day on a motorway in an oven essentially

for this. This road is rubbish.

The traffic, coupled with the hotel fiasco the night before,

had put the chaps in quite a bad mood.

We've come all the way here in these cars and you BLEEP it up because you're a BLEEP

feeble-minded BLEEP. I think the... BLEEP! BLEEP useless.

Look at the colour of that water. It's beautiful.

Why did you think this would be good, you big daft BLEEP.

Trust me. Italy is the place. Shut up. It's the home of the fast car.

We should have just come here on a BLEEP bus.

There is a speed bump on the road.

Oh, that's the final straw.

I'm exploring the limits of grip here(!)

He's brought us up somebody's driveway.

Realising that I'd mucked things up a bit,

I suggested we try the other side of the lake

which meant catching a ferry.

What we're experiencing is the world's greatest driving forest.

Where do you want to go? Switzerland, because...

Switzerland is...

Moors, moors... Do you want to wash your car

when you get there? Because you can't by law.

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

..up the brake horsepower, not allowed. A tiny bit of speeding, prison.

Trust me, Switzerland is the wrong country.

Austria.

Eventually, we arrived at the other side.

..so that I can get the air conditioning on.

17 degrees? I'm going to have it

about that, yes.

Yeah, I'm going to have 17. It's half 12 now, it's getting hot.

Oh, no!

Oh!

In order for the ferry to unload, James had to disembark first.

HORNS BEEP

Hang on a minute, blokes, something's not right.

HORNS BEEP

What's the matter. It's broken. Dunno.

Has it got fuel in it? Yeah, loads of fuel.

HORNS BEEP

Despite the horns, James wouldn't rush his pre-flight checks.

Master switch, ignition, pump...

That's off...

HORNS BEEP LOUDLY

..very, very fast.

At least it's light.

Jeremy, we're keeping everybody on the boat now.

The lady shouted.

Sorry. Scusi.

Sorry. Sorry.

I can't get through there! Back up!

HORNS CONTINUE

Your country makes supercars, you

can't honk when somebody buys one.

That is the correct position because that's on, and the panel is on, the ignition is down.

Do you want to get that?

Ha, ha! Ah, ah, ah!

That's the hottest thing in the world! Bugger!

The fuel...

With the idiot's car now working,

we found the road on the other side of the lake was a boring duel carriageway.

Still, there was one good thing -

we were heading north to where I'd wanted to go in the first place...

Switzerland.

Please let's find something good.

..We did.

This is the San Bernardino Pass.

Wow!

I think a boot-full would be appropriate. ..Yep.

The Swiss will look on these three cars as though the anti-Christ

has come to their little world.

But I didn't care.

The hills are alive to the sound of horsepower!

Meanwhile in the Aston...

The San Bernardino Pass was something else.

The views, the smoothness of the road surface, the elegance of the road itself.

But Richard wasn't finished,

and insisted we kept heading north.

I wonder where he's taking us.

Wow! Liechtenstein!

Liechtenstein makes more false teeth here than anywhere else in the world...

which is probably why Hammond has brought us here.

I hope it contains a brilliant road, and I've a good feeling about this place.

And so outside the...museum, I pulled over to consult our map.

You see, we want bends. That stretch looks...

Liechtenstein was the last country in Europe to give women the vote in 1984.

That is in Liechtenstein. If the

entire population of Liechtenstein

went to the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, there'd be 39,500 empty seats.

Yeah, but back to the road. If we carry on up here, this bit wiggles - look at those turns.

You know this is a tax haven. It's

got more companies here than people.

That is a killer stretch of road. Shall we try each other's cars

for this bit?

What?! Why don't we try each other's cars? No, I really like this one, mate. Do you want to go in this? No.

Right, so this, theoretically, is the start of the greatest driving road in the world.

I fear I may have made a slight mistake here.

He had. There was a cycle race on

and his brilliant road was closed.

What? Are we allowed to drive on it?

No. No. It's shut!

It is a bit. You've dragged me all the way to Liechtenstein

to go on a road that's shut! A bit.

Completely. Where do you wanna go now? Austria.

Oh, God. You got to Austria, we can't smell your pits from there! I'm going back to Italy.

Reluctantly, the others agreed to come with me.

So we headed back through Switzerland stopping off for the night at the ski resort of Davos.

It had been a bad day. We had been through three countries and only found one good bit of road.

So Richard and I decided to vandalise James' Aston.

Half of me wants him to see it, half of me wants him to drive all day with it on. He'll never notice.

You know what Joe's like, he doesn't notice anything. He's not coming?

K, Kevin. That sounds like a racing driver's name.

THEY CHUCKLE

And he's bought us a drink!

You're all right. You're all right.

The next morning, we headed south out of Davos.

I couldn't quite believe what we'd stumbled on.

Mile after mile of deserted perfection.

Even Jeremy had to concede I was right about Switzerland.

This is absolute heaven.

Oh, ho-ho!

Aw, this is much more like it.

What was God thinking of when he gave the Swiss this place?

Plainly it should be ours.

This road was a test of breaks, steering, grip, power and handling.

An ideal place, then, to reflect on the cars

we'd brought on our motoring holiday.

Everything about this car now has come alive. It's suddenly in its element.

This thing just tracks so perfectly.

Meanwhile, in the Aston...

I wonder how much of this I have to endure before I can admit

that this is a terrible car and that I hate it and I want to go home?

It's actually a physically pleasurable sensation that runs up your arm when you turn the wheel.

It's, it's uncanny.

"Jeremy Clarkson today married a Lamborghini

and moved to Switzerland."

And then it hit me...I was in a Lamborghini in the Alps.

All I need is a pair of sunglasses and some Matt Monro.

Ooh, no, hang on a minute.

We'd all pretty much decided that we'd found driving heaven... well, two of us had.

But then after we popped over the border and back into Italy,

we found a cherry for the top of our cake.

The Stelvio Pass.

15 miles of asphalt spaghetti draped on an Alp.

It was stunning.

Shall we do it?

Here we go.

The drops!

It's impossible.

If you went over the edge here you'd have time to phone the insurers!

This is a magnificent piece of road building.

Not like PlayStation this, you can't just press the reset button when you get it wrong.

You just go through the pearly gates on fire!

I hate to admit this, but this Aston is starting to make a certain amount of good sense.

Even the breaks have stopped squeaking! Climbing up now past 8,000 feet.

I think, at this altitude, a Lambo has got the advantage.

I shall solve that, though, with some bravery.

This is hard work. If I had no air conditioning, I'd look ridiculous now.

What an extraordinary road!

Thank you, Italy. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

We finished our run. And, as the cars ticked themselves cool,

we knew their work was done.

Our quest was at an end.

Davos to Stelvio - the greatest driving road in the world.

APPLAUSE

That was a good holiday What do you think?

So there you are. If you're thinking of going on holiday next year, forget Center Parcs, just go there!

Yes, now, the cars. So...James?

No! Just no on every level. Richard?

I thought the Porsche was fantastic. I loved it.

But the main problem is, I still don't see why it's 15 grand more for the RS version than the ordinary GT3.

I have to say the same. On the Lambo I can't believe that I wouldn't have had as much fun in a normal one.

Also, if you're going to do a special edition Lamborghini, don't take stuff off, put stuff on,

like space thrusters and machine guns! That's what Lamborghinis

are about.

So, hang on, we took three cars on holiday and they were all wrong. Yes, we're back in business!

Yeah, Top Gear - ambitious, but rubbish! That's us.

And there'll be more of that next week! Good night!