Original subtitles

- The client? - The pigeon.

- His name? - Cott, Sydney Cott.

Marvelous, Marvelous.

Now what do you say?

- What do you say? - You want bargain foods, go to a volume dealer.

Go to Mother Inc., but don'’t come to Mooseghian.

6,000 is all I got. So help me, I'’m busted.

I don'’t read that you sell your house for $150,000,

and 10 G'’s you can'’t spare for a custom killing?

I went for the pale, why do you think I'’m living here in the gym for?

So maybe I got a little cash socked away,

but it'’s just enough to get out of the country.

For that the government will make you a loan. They will be very happy to deport you.

It'’s a very simple job. I already found the victim, right?

He works out in the gym every day.

Perfect, a nobody, and nobody will ever miss him.

All you gotta do is blow up the gym,

and you fix so that this guy dies in the fire.

But you want extras. You want everything to burn but his feet.

What do you want, bookends?

I don'’t want the Feds looking for me when I duck out on a tax rap.

Something'’s got to be left of this guy so they think it'’s my body.

- His feet? - His feet.

We'’ll talk in the steam room, he tells me.

Mooseghian, this guy'’s got a left foot that is an inch longer than his right.

Like mine, look.

Your left foot, it'’s longer.

An inch longer.

Just like the pigeon I want you to knock off for me.

Marvelous.

Marvelous! Therefore, now the price is 12.

- What? - Supply and demand.

Oh.

Foots, Foots, no!

Turn off the steam, Foots!

All right! All right, 6,000!

See? It'’s a pleasure doing business with you.

Wait a minute, smart bargainer.

This health club is only a front, I know.

- But don'’t you turn a nice profit from it? - We'’re in the red.

Metric, Al.

As soon as you'’re ready, give me the word

and then me and Sugar will cut out.

Sugar? You'’re taking that bird-brained stripper with you?

What do you mean bird-brained?

Sugar?

- Sugar? - Uh-huh.

- You back? - Uh-huh.

- You got the cake? - Uh-uh.

- What? - There was wax and stuff all over the deposit box.

The man said I couldn'’t take anything out of it.

What do you mean wax?

Wax, with a big eagle on it.

- An eagle? - Yeah, with arrows in its claw.

An eagle with arrows in its claw?

Yeah. Ain'’t it wild?

You bird brain! That'’s the great seal of the Unites States!

- It was not a seal. It was an eagle. Hey.

What'’s all the holler?

The Feds impounded our getaway cash.

- Did you pay off Mooseghian? - Yeah.

- Is he gone? - Yeah.

Great! How much do we got left in the club funds?

Funds? We'’re a week behind in the salaries.

You...

Larry. He'’s always good for a touch.

Larry?

Larry, baby. Foots Pulardos.

Listen, pal, could you float a couple of G'’s for me?

Well, listen, it'’s a matter of life and death, Larry. I gotta have it.

I told the Feds I get all my money from friends. You gonna make a perjurer out of me?

Fair-weather fink.

No? No!

No loot.

No plane fare.

No getaway.

Somebody up there hates my guts.

Gee, Foots. There must be some way you can get some money.

I'’ve got it! Foots, listen to me.

Why don'’t you get yourself a Diners'’ Club card?

You can charge all kinds of froopy things on that.

Sugar, baby, we got to go to Mexico, not to a Chinese restaurant.

Anyway, what idiot is going to approve a card, a Diners'’ Club card, for Foots Pulardos?

Don'’t do that, Ernie. You'’ll get nervous.

And sign that with unceasing regard for your tender cooperation, et cetera.

And read it back to me.

Yes?

Yes, Claude.

That id...

He what?

Get Klenk in here right away.

Lucy, type us a rough draft of that, will you, please?

Yes, sir.

Klenk.

It is my understanding that there exists in Los Angeles a semi-religious cult

which considers dogs, cheetahs and parakeets to be the beloved of the gods.

Are you by any chance a dues-paying member of this cult?

Oh, no, sir.

Oh, no, no.

I just thought I'’d ask. Uh-huh.

Since you have seen fit to okay a Diners'’ card for a German shepherd!

Me?

These are your initials, are they not?

Maurice Baskerville is a German shepherd?

That is what it says on the back of the form.

If only you had taken the trouble to look.

Some little old lady in Pasadena

thought it would be cute if her hound had a Diners'’ card.

And you okayed it!

Now, I tell you, Klenk, I am a gentle man!

Yes, I am a very kindly sort of fellow!

I...

I am aware that you are going to marry

my favorite secretary the day after tomorrow.

- Yes, sir. - And your various anxieties

have sent my kidneys throbbing with sympathetic pulsations.

- I'’m sorry, sir. - But...

one more blunder and your feckless hunting

in this temple of commerce will be terminated immediately.

You mean I'’m going to be fired, sir?

Your lightning insights never cease to astonish me.

Thank you, sir.

Coffee break, 10 minutes.

For a dog, Ernie?

A credit card for a dog?

Ernie, look at me.

How many times have we set the wedding date?

How many times have we put it off?

How many times was it because you thought you were going to be fired?

Say it.

- Four. Four. - Four.

Oh, Ernie, I'’ve waited years. Years!

While you went from the night crew stuffing department

to the day crew stuffing department.

Now, Maurice Baskerville or not, this wedding comes off Saturday at 11.

- I hope you can hang on to this job at least until... - Lucy...

I'’ve had just about all I can take...

Lucy! Don'’t say finished.

Just don'’t say it.

Come on now, honey. You'’re just getting hysterical.

No, I'’m not. I'’m just not getting any younger.

- Ernie, she wants me to wait for an answer. - Oh.

Don'’t go away.

I won'’t.

Rush this right back, huh?

It bothers you that much?

It bothers me that much.

- I wonder, Ernie. - You wonder what?

I wonder if it is the machines or just bye-bye freedom. Hello, ball and chain.

Look, ball and chain,

do you know why I took that promotion that you so nicely arranged for me?

Not because I like the job.

I don'’t. I never have liked it.

I took it so we'’d have enough money to get married on.

Even though I knew those machines would drive me absolutely out of my mind.

I took it because I want you.

Oh, Ernie.

Let me explain something.

When I was a little kid,

we used to live in a rundown apartment that overlooked an alley.

And across the alley, there was a kind of foundry or something.

But all night long there used to be a yellow light that went on and off.

Those infernal machines would drive me crazy.

And those computers remind me of those machines.

Oh, Ernie.

Look, honey, I won'’t let it bug me anymore. I promise.

No more mistakes, so help me.

If I can'’t marry you...

Klenk!

Cash?

Cash. Oh...

Thank you, Klenk.

Thank you for not sinking to the ultimate depravity.

How about that. Foots Pulardos.

While he'’s at it, why doesn'’t he put Mickey Cohen up there?

Who does he think we are, simpleminded?

Looking for your marbles?

Honey, I don'’t want to bug you with any dimwit questions and things, but...

That'’s okay, Ernie. You can'’t learn everything in three weeks.

Yeah, well, um...

what happens to these cards when we get through with them here?

- They'’re destroyed. - Destroyed?

Yes.

- Destroyed? - Yes.

And all the information, the important data, is typed on cards.

- Typed on cards? - The cards are filed in the membership file.

- Put in the membership file? - Yes.

Put in the m-m-membership...

Ella?

- Ella? - What do you want?

What?

What do you want?

Could I get into the files for just a second?

- Could you get at the files? - Yeah just for a second.

It took me six weeks to set up this automatic system.

- Well, I know that. - Six weeks.

- And I just now got it purring. - Yeah, but...

- Ernie! This isn'’t any ordinary file. - Granted...

It'’s a gorgeous, complicated brain with delicate little nerve endings.

And nobody plays with it but mamma.

Now, what'’s your problem?

I'’ve got to check on a new applicant.

I'’ll do it. What'’s his name?

Name?

Pulardos.

Pulardos.

Ronald Pulardos.

Ronald Pulardos.

Watch.

This I love.

We pull the master control lever.

We punch "PU," if you'’ll pardon the expression.

And up pop all the names that start with "PU."

Boy what a time-saver.

New machine, I love you.

Isn'’t it marvelous?

Pulardos. Pulardos.

Pulardos.

Yep. Ronald.

Careful you don'’t crumple it.

Ronald Pulardos.

His card was mailed today.

Oh, I got to check on something in the office.

Sorry. One of these gets out of place and I go screaming into the petunias.

Whacks up the whole system.

Well, it wasn'’t important anyway.

- Bea? - Yeah?

Let me ask you something.

What would you do if, by mistake, I mean,

you inadvertently okayed a card for someone whose name was on that board?

- I'’d shoot myself. - Oh.

Well, suppose you'’re a coward.

I'’d destroy the evidence, then I'’d shoot myself.

Coffee break, 10 minutes.

Okay.

"PU."

PU. Pular...

PX.

PU.

Ernie?

Ernie?

Where'’s Ernie?

He'’s probably very busy.

Litterbug.

- Coffee. Black, please. - Cream, sugar?

No, black, black.

Mr. Bassanio.

I'’m afraid I won'’t be able to...

I'’m afraid I won'’t be able to come in today.

Because...

I'’m not feeling well.

Oh? Rabies?

No, it'’s just...

I have a slight temperature.

I hope so for your sake.

You remember what the chief said:

"One step out of line and you'’re fired."

And my nephew Jimmy moves into the job

he should'’ve had in the first place. Is that clear?

How am I gonna pay you back?

I got piles of dough stashed away in Mexico.

Why do you think I'’m going down there? Sure.

You don'’t understand. It'’s all in cash.

And nobody can get at it but me personally.

Edgar?

Edgar?

Selfish, selfish, selfish.

Maybe I don'’t live right.

Aw, Footsie, don'’t worry, sweetheart.

- Your little Sugar will fix everything. - Oh?

I'’m not just a body, you know. I'’ve got brains too.

- Brains? - You see what I mean? Oh!

All you ever give me credit for is unmentionables.

But you just wait. You'’ll change your tune when that Diners'’ Card gets here.

- Diners'’ Card? - Yeah, I made out an application for you.

I bet we get it too. And Foots, it'’s just as good as money!

I knew this fellow once...

Oh, you and your fellows.

Don'’t you understand? We can'’t get to Mexico on a Diners'’.

I thought so.

Okay, Sugar, where'’d you hide the bottle?

Last time, you stuck it in one of those reducer machines,

and some fat, old lady,

she winds up with a bloomers full of bourbon shrapnel.

- Now, where'’d you hide it? - Foots, Foots!

-Yeah? -Cotton, Foots. Sidney Cotton.

- What about him? - He'’s dead.

-He'’s what? -I just heard it on the news. Six-car freeway accident.

Everybody got by without a scratch... but him.

You telling me I ain'’t got no body?

You telling me that Cotton died ahead of schedule? That crumb?

That no-good, lousy crumb?

Can'’t I trust anybody? That no-good, selfish...

The freeway?

You know, more people have been killed on that lousy freeway than in the whole war?

Yeah, accidental deaths, sure, all of them.

And what'’s the government doing about it, huh?

Safety belts! Safety belts. What am I paying taxes for?

- You don'’t. - Shut up!

I never asked to be born into this world.

Oh, Footsie, don'’t say...

Hey, George,

you gotta start looking again, huh?

You found Cotton, maybe you can find another one.

But, Foots, a guy with a left foot an inch longer than...

Don'’t bother me with no details!

Yeah, so maybe his left foot is only half an inch longer.

So maybe we compromise. Maybe we forget about the foot, eh?

Just find me a guy that no one will miss.

Eh? I don'’t know, something, anything. Eh? Advertise!

Just get more people in here. Put out a "help wanted" sign.

Do something, will you? Just get me a body so I can die.

- Yeah, sure, Foots. - Now get right on it.

Cotton, you... You crumb!

Footsie, can'’t we go to Mexico anyway?

With what? We can'’t even float a trip to Disney Land.

But if the Diners'’ Card gets here...

Oh, Diners'’ Card, who needs it?

Oh, I'’ll take those inside.

Wait a minute,

want me to get fired?

Fired.

Morning.

Good morning, sir.

Oh, yes, sir?

I uh... I'’d like to apply.

Sure.

Don'’t take no mind reader

to tell that, not with the sickening physique

like you got, buddy.

You'’d like the five-year course, right?

Uh, no, as a matter of fact, I'’d, uh...

I'’d like to apply for the instructor'’s job.

- The job? - Yeah.

Oh, yeah, sure. I should have known.

- You look like instructor material. - Yeah.

What kind of experience you got?

Experience?

Well, uh, I had two years with the Muscle Institute in Newark, New Jersey.

Oh, I knew you had a lot of class when you come in here.

Yeah, then I had, uh, about nine months with the Torso Institute in Fire Island.

We were doing, you know, all that work there.

- How do you spell that? - R...

Never mind, I'’ll abbreviate it.

I'’ve also had, uh...

That'’s plenty, that'’s plenty.

I got no more room on the form.

- Now listen, we got a 24-hour operation going on here. - I see.

I mean, we got one or two kooks liable to roll in here at 2 in the morning.

So it'’s kind of tough on a guy with a family.

Oh, well, that ain'’t no problem at all.

See, I ain'’t married. I got no family or nothin'’. I ain'’t even got no kids.

So, uh...

Wonderful, wonderful.

Mr. Pulardos okays you, you got yourself a job, kiddo.

Wonderful, wonderful.

We'’ll see, we'’ll see.

Boy, it'’s hot in here.

Uh, yes, I will be very happy to...

Now I gotta take your measurements. That'’s got a lot to do with it.

Shoe... size?

Uh, don'’t you want to know how tall I am?

I gotta go by the form.

Oh.

Shoe... size?

- 10 and 11. - Make up your mind, which is it?

10 and 11.

10 and...

10... and... 11?

Well, yeah. See, one foot is a little bit longer than the other.

Your foot is...

Your left foot?!

I can'’t help it. I went to an orthopedic...

Wait, wait right here, just a second.

Ronald Pul...

Oh, pardon me.

I am Ronald Pulardos, the owner.

Oh, hi. I'’m, um, Ernest, um, Klenk.

And this is one of our leading instructors, Miss Sugar Pye.

Oh, oh, hi.

I guess you'’re wondering why we'’re staring at your feet.

Uh... uh, no, I...

- You gotta admit they'’re kind of a crazy match, huh? - Well, yes,

they are a little unusual...

Not as unusual as you think,

and I'’ll show you why.

Here, try these on.

Oh, uh, they won'’t fit.

Try '’em on!

Try them... on.

Could I have a shoehorn?

- Get him a shoehorn. - A what?

- A shoehorn! - The both of us?

Get it!

Never mind, I think I can manage.

Here...

How do you feel?

They'’re fine.

They'’re not too tight?

Uh, no, they fit perfectly.

Give me your leg.

Huh, how do they fit?

Just perfect, I can'’t get over it.

- Let'’s see you walk around. - Hm?

Walk around.

Uh, oh, no, uh, they fit fine, I...

Walk around.

Walk around...

What'’s wrong, are they cramping you?

No, no. It'’s just an old football injury. I have a spasm in my...

Aw, that'’s too bad.

- I sometimes get a muscle in my spasm... - Aw, that'’s too bad.

You mean I don'’t qualify?

Klenk,

do I look like the kind of guy

that would deny a guy the right to work

on account of infirmary?

Now you listen.

As far as I'’m concerned, you got great qualifications.

You got the job, now give me back my shoes.

You got no idea what it means to me, getting an experienced instructor like you.

You know our top boy, he just died unexpectedly.

One of those disgusting freeway accidents.

Isn'’t that something?

You take an average, ordinary guy and stick him behind the wheel of a car,

and right away, he turns into a killer.

Well, we lost a good man, but I know that you'’re gonna fill his shoes very nicely.

Now Mr. Marinara here

will give you some clothes and some gear,

and then we'’ll uh... you can start right away, right?

Yeah, sure.

Now, Miss Pye will take you. Now, where is she?

Hey, Sugar!

Footsie!

Footsie, you got it! Look! The Diners'’ Card, honey!

Look, a Diners'’ Card!

And a whole book of things you can get with it! Oh, didn'’t I tell you, sweetheart?

Just like a little kid.

All bug-eyed because I got a Diners'’ Card.

You got a Diners'’ Card, Klenk?

- Yeah. - Now you get much use out of it?

No, there'’s really not...

Ah, swell, will you tell her,

and explain to her that a Diners'’ Card is not the end of the world?

- But Footsie... - Now don'’t butter me, will you, and leave me alone.

All right, I'’ll see you later.

Yeah, I... I suppose I'’ll be seeing you...

Oh, sure, sure. Miss Pye is gonna show you around. Now you go get dressed.

Watch out, huh, and stay fit!

- Footsie, just listen to what you can order... - Yeah, I know, I can order

a ton of egg foo yung, now will you stop that and leave me alone?

That'’s right. That'’s right, treat me like I was a moose or something.

Don'’t listen to me. Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Foots Pulardos,

if you don'’t appreciate me, maybe I can find somebody who will.

- I'’ve got a mind, a good mind. - Well, use it, will you, and don'’t bother me.

Why don'’t you go read a book or something?

Here, you read one, you big... repulsive Frankenstein!

Aw, Sugar. Sugar, baby!

You gangster.

Now that hurt.

I don'’t care.

I hate you.

Okay, Sugar, okay.

Now cut that out, huh? I didn'’t mean anything, honest baby, I love you.

Love... what'’s the good of it

if you don'’t think I can spell it, even?

Well, you never let me explain anything.

Here, now let me read this, I'’ll show you exactly.

Ow!

An eye for an eye.

That feel good?

Mm-hmm.

All right, I'’m not mad or anything.

Now I'’m gonna prove something to you. I'’m gonna read you exactly what you can get

from the Diners'’ Club Card.

Now here'’s a hot item here.

It says you can charge a meal at the Potted Pigeon Restaurant.

Now is that gonna get us to Mexico, hmm?

No.

And over here, you can charge off a night

at the William Tell Motel.

Now is that gonna get us to Mexico?

Liquor stores, florists, hairstylists, airlines...

Airlines?

Western Airlines to Mexico, Sugar baby!

- It'’s what I tried to tell you. - Oh, Sugar, you'’re a genius!

It'’s about time.

Western Airlines, the only way to fly.

I'’d like to book space to Mexico City.

I can charge it to my Diners'’ Card, right?

Surely, sir. Your name and card number, please.

Did you hear me, sir?

You have to give them your name

and your Diners'’ Card number.

And the Feds can check the reservations.

You stupid imbecile!

No shoehorn.

Get out of here!

The only way to fly!

A sound mind, a sound body, eh, Klenk?

That'’s to Mexico City, right?

Yeah. Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Klenk.

And a card number: 7LA-7486.

Yeah, that'’s 11:15 a.m. tomorrow, right?

-Check. -Tomorrow, Foots? How come the hurry?

Yeah, well, we gotta kill this guy before he dies on us.

Now you go out and tell Sugar to keep her eye on him.

And tell her to keep that Klenk busy every minute. And here.

- Stick that back in his wallet. - Check. Check. Check.

- Hello? - Mooseghian. Foots.

No refunds. You made the deal, you can'’t cancel, swindler.

Who wants to cancel? Now listen, chum,

I want you here at 6:00 tonight.

Marcus, travel desk.

This is Western Airlines.

Credit check on cardholder 7LA-7486.

Mexico City, tomorrow.

Cardholder, Klenk. K-L-E-N-K.

Ernest.

Ernie Klenk, huh? Now that'’s a twist.

- Ernie Klenk works for us... - Against us, Marcus, against us.

Yes, against us.

No, no, no, he does.

You'’re welcome, Dawn.

Lunch, one hour.

Hey, Claude, how about some spaghetti at Ron'’s Deli?

Spaghetti, are you kidding? I'’m trying to take it off, not put it on.

I thought you were going to Carmel on your honeymoon?

- We are. - No, you'’re not. Ernie just made reservations for Mexico.

Mexico?

Mexico, all those wonderful bullfighters. Olé.

Come on, Poncho, I'’ll buy the tacos.

This one'’s called the blood circulator. Really shakes you up.

It shakes you up? Uh-huh.

Don'’t you think I'’d get the hang of it a little better if you, um,

demonstrated it for me?

Crazy!

All right, all ready, get set, go!

There you go. Nice and easy, good for your blood.

Really circulates.

Hey! Wow! Really healthy!

Hey!

See? Good for your blood. Very healthy.

Hi, Mr. Bassanio!

Hey, that'’s good!

You'’ll make a great instructor.

Funzies.

Do you want to try it, Mr. Bassanio?

- Yeah, all right. - Okay.

There you go. Get right in there. Ready?

There we are.

That fun?

- That'’s good for you. - Yeah.

Hey, I'’d like to be in his shape.

All right, all right, let'’s go, I'’m on a lunch break.

Hey, wait!

Oh, ja, ja, we are now relaxing, and we will...

Are you new here?

Start the Turkish massage.

- Just relax your whole muscle... - Hey...

Here, here. No, no, as you see...

Now, just relax. We will start here

with the deltoid muscle, which is the only muscle

which has to help you...

- You got to relax. - What are you...?

Please, quiet.

We are relaxing here ze muscle, and we see that the blood

- is always stimulated... - Hey! Hey!

Relax.

Please turn.

Wait!

Relaxing all the muscles.

You'’re fine, fine. It'’s okay.

Hey, look...

Yeah, ja.

The whole purpose of the massage is always to relax the blood supply

which is coming in from ze heart,

- down to the pulmonary instigators... - Yeah...

which will have always with the stimulation.

Now if you will then relax...

Please, please, one minute.

We have to take off here. We start with the stimulation.

Relax, relaxing?

Please. Please. Breathe, please.

Ah, we have set it.

You are tensing all ze muscles.

Please, relax, relax.

Do not tense. Do not tense your muscles.

And we have here...

No biting, please!

Now, have a little alcohol. There we are!

We are relaxing here.

When we start with your whole muscles,

which lead into ze nerve supply.

And we...

stimulate your whole...

And we have let...

The sinus cavities, we are now relaxing the whole sinus cavities.

Yes.

Please...

Please, whoops, please! You are spilling the alcohol!

For heaven'’s sake. Relax, tensing.

And we have to relax.

We have here...

We have... oh, you must be on the diet.

Now, lift here.

That'’s it. Here we are, you like it.

You can'’t move! Oh!

Must not release all the alcohol. Yes, you likes...

In the cavity, there.

This is nice. Now...

Massage with rhythm.

When you are massaging with rhythm, stimulates the whole flow

of the circulatory system.

Don'’t drink that.

We must do the whole thing.

Hey, fella, what...

Whole thing. You'’re tensing!

I'’m not...

You are tensing.

Yes, don'’t tense.

You hear something? That'’s here, we are loosing all ze muscles on the back.

Now to dry, a little powder.

Relax, yes. All the sneezing.

Please, please.

We are relaxing a little more.

Do you hear something?

Relax, we make a little alcohol cookie paste.

And we fold over.

Now, think nice thoughts.

Let me turn over, will you? What is this?

Where did you ever learn how to... wait! What kind of a...

Hey! Let me out of here!

Let me out of here. I gotta get out. I gotta get back to work.

Whoa, let me out of here!

- Where'’s Klenk. - I don'’t know.

- What do you mean you don'’t know? - I don'’t know.

- I thought I told you to stick with him. - I can'’t do everything

around here.

- Down, up... - Will you cut that out while I'’m talk to you?

- Wait a minute, where is he? - I don'’t know, he'’s a regular spook!

Well, you find him and you find him right away, you understand?

I don'’t want him out of my sight for a second!

The freeway'’s only two blocks away!

- One, two... - Ma'’am...

three, four, one, two...

Klenk?

Come on, Bea, let'’s get to the wedding rehearsal.

Maybe that'’s where he'’s been all day.

Who knows?

Right, you figure out yet how you'’re gonna do it?

How about the feet?

Asbestos sneakers.

You'’re all class, Mooseghian.

All right, all right.

Now listen, I need maybe three, four hours to finagle with the wiring,

and in the meanwhile, keep your friend Klenk away from here.

Floyd? Well, of course I'’ve read Floyd.

But honestly, anyone that would talk about someone'’s mother the way he did...

- Well, well, Klenk! - Oh, hi.

Pretty busy day, huh?

Oh, it wasn'’t too bad.

- Hey, why don'’t you and Sugar go grab a bite somewhere, huh? - I'’d love it!

- Uh... I'’d like too... - Come on, you use my Diners'’ Club card, huh?

Or did you lose it already?

It just so happens, it'’s in my purse.

-What do you say? Dinner'’s on me. -Oh, yeah, that'’s swell.

-I'’d be happy to go. -Sure, you relax, you know? Maybe you pick up

some of your gear, you come back. I'’d like you to spend the night here.

Get right into it. You know, see how you like it.

- Fine. - Attaboy, Klenk.

Only one thing: no booze for Sugar, huh?

One martini, she starts talking seven languages,

all of them wrong.

I'’ll go and get changed.

Yeah, okay.

You keep him out until 10, huh?

That'’ll be a pleasure.

The bride, I presume?

Why, yes, how did you know?

You'’re 20 minutes early. They'’re always 20 minutes early.

Oh, where'’s the groom?

They are always 20 minutes late.

Here we are.

Cute! Very cute!

You'’re right, Klenky, this is much nicer than a restaurant.

- Why don'’t you let me take that? - No, no, it'’s all right.

Ah, it'’s darling.

Mm, cute!

How adorable! A dumbwaiter!

- Isn'’t that cute? - Oh, cute.

Um, would you... would you care to have a martini?

You bet!

It isn'’t like him, Bea.

Something'’s wrong. Something'’s really wrong.

Probably his watch.

Hmm.

- I used to do this number when I did interpretive dancing. - Oh.

-Why don'’t I cook dinner? -Oh, no, I'’ll make dinner. You'’ll love it.

I'’ll go in the kitchen and make one of the... surprises... I make, huh?

- Oh, I love surprises! - Yeah, but don'’t come in the kitchen until I call you.

I'’ll be right here.

Mm, good vermouth.

May I suggest that we begin without him?

Usually when the go past 20 minutes, they don'’t come at all.

All right, Mrs. Krubney, from the top!

Ernie!

Oh, I'’m terribly sorry.

Up here, Mr. Klenk! Up here.

Where have you been all day? You had me worried sick.

That'’s all, Mrs. Krubney, that'’s all.

Wanda even went to your apartment.

Whoa, uh, I'’m sorry...

Kindly pay attention.

-Yes, sir. -Now then, I will read the... of you do have a watch, I see.

Are we keeping you from something, Mr. Klenk?

No, no, it isn'’t that. It'’s just that I'’m anxious to get on with it.

- Ernie! - I mean a bad rehearsal is usually a good opening, dear.

Very well, very well.

- I'’ll skip the... - What is your hurry?

- I can'’t explain it now. - You better explain now, or I'’m...

- Quiet, please! - Do you mind getting on with the essentials, please?

Mr. Klenk, you will have to provide the essentials.

Now then when I come to the part...

All right, all right, you can play it by ear.

Just kiss the bride, and walk her down the aisle.

Mrs. Krubney!

Not that fast, Mr. Klenk!

Ernie, what is going on?

Listen, I'’ll explain it all tomorrow. Just trust me, will you?

That'’s all, Mrs. Krubney, that'’s all.

What in the world is wrong with Ernie?

- When he was a kid, there was this funny yellow light... - What?

So then he said, "No, Sugar."

"No more burlesque, absolutely not."

He said that I was too refined for that sort of thing.

Maurice Baskerville.

Then, of course, he was jealous, you know.

I mean, he was jealous of all those guys sitting in the front row, staring at me.

It was beautiful when he was jealous.

Ow!

Wha... I mean, why shouldn'’t he be jealous?

I'’m not just a brain, you know.

I got a body.

A good body. See?

Hey. You know you'’re a wonderful listener.

Not like Foots. Talk, talk, talk.

He never keeps his mouth shut.

He'’s not just a foot, you know, he'’s a mouth.

A big mouth. Ooh, what a mouth.

He didn'’t used to be that way.

He used to listen, you know?

I mean, sometimes on a rainy day I'’d read to him, you know?

I'’d read to him about Julius Verne, Moby Dick...

all those other Greeks.

And he didn'’t say a word.

Not one word, you know?

It was beautiful.

He used to listen.

He used to lie there and listen to everything I said.

He used to make me feel like...

I mean...

He made me feel like everything I said was important, you know.

I mean, what we had, togetherness, you know...

"rappaport."

Foots doesn'’t like me to drink.

He just doesn'’t like me to drink.

Hmm. That'’s silly.

He just doesn'’t think I can handle it. I don'’t know...

Here I am giving away all this talk to a stranger.

Ah! The purse!

-Now what'’s going on Ernie? What is going on? -Lucy!

What are you doing here? Don'’t you know it'’s bad luck for the grime to see the brood?

- The bride to see the groom? - Oh, that'’s the bride, Ernie, the bride!

Now you tell me where you'’ve been all day, and explain this Mexico trip.

- Mexico? - What about the cottage we picked out at Carmel?

Maybe you'’ve forgotten how we felt about it, but I haven'’t.

And it means more to me than tequila.

- Tequila? What are you talking about? - What am I talking about?

Now stop pretending, Ernie. I know where the body'’s buried!

You do?

Operator. Get me the police, quick!

Never mind who I am. There'’s a dumb body in my dead waiter.

Uh, look, honey, why don'’t you let me fix you something and...

No, no, no, sweetheart, you stay right here, and I'’ll get a little something

to help calm your nerves.

But I don'’t need anything to calm my nerves.

All I need is a simple answer to a simple question.

Why aren'’t we going to Carmel?

I don'’t know, why aren'’t we going to Carmel?

Honey, what'’s that funny sound?

Eh, a sound? What sound?

Eh, Lucy, honey, why don'’t we go inside and just talk it over quietly and calmly?

You'’ve got a case of premarital n-n-n-nerves.

- Now there'’s nothing wrong with my nerves. - Well, can we go inside

like a good girl, I'’ve got so much to tell you.

You wanna get away from it all, you just press a little button and down comes

a private little room. I'’ll show you.

Hmm?

Man, like, who is it?

That is the Goddess of the Shaft.

Honest?

- Now where'’ve you been all day? - Oh, holy smoke.

You just reminded me.

Look, honey, some of the fellas are throwing a bachelor party for me

and, I-I-I kind of promised I'’d be there.

And, uh, gee, I'’m late already.

- Would you mind very much if... - Of course not. This is your night to howl.

Hmm, aren'’t you a good girl.

Ugh!

Eh, eh, eh, tomorrow, Lucy.

- Tomorrow. - Yes.

- Still seems like a dream. - Yes, tomorrow.

Get inside. You'’re a good girl.

Now you take care of my little girl, will you, Bea?

- You take care of that cold, Ernie. - Okay, bye.

Bye, darling.

Drink, oh, goddess of the shaft.

Foots!

What a mouth. Ugh.

Where are you?

The purse. The card.

- Were you invited? - Did you find a redhead in your dumbwaiter tonight?

You were invited. Come on in. This way. On the ground.

This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a weeding fork.

Once more unto the breach dear cooks, once more...

or close the wall up with our boy scout hockey team.

So keen once seen,

that sweeny among the nightingales is Scandinavian twilight

viewed by an ostrich.

Oh, coo no more.

- Coo-coo, coo-coo. - Coo-coo!

Then break,

oh, break upon my cold, gray gallstones.

Oh, sea.

Oh, wash your murky depths up to my very armpits.

In the mature male... and the mature female...

Why look, you...

down at the cosmic laundry, a cabalistic conclave of souls

starched and damply intent,

are ready for the wringer, Charlie, ready for the swinger.

Oh, oh, oh, that Rembrandt twist.

Van Gogh... Lautrec...

- Big man. - Hmm...

I thin again,

and when to the sessions of sweet silent thought,

I summon up a belt to make the very welcome crack...

Sugar!

Hi!

Sugar, where'’s your purse?

- In the dumbwaiter. - No, I looked in there, it isn'’t there it must be

- in here somewhere. - No, it isn'’t here, it must have fallen out.

Sugar, come on, honey.

Oh, let me finish my number.

Be my love you nut, for no one else can end this burning,

burning, Burnham

with a mystic magic pre-determined bee,

as in blast heat and bond with teller.

All right, how'’s it work?

All you have to do is strap the client in the machine,

and bazoonk, the Sweat Shop becomes Sodom and Gomorrah.

Only one thing, Foots: don'’t look back.

Where'’s the button and how do we get it started?

Button? No buttons.

At the stroke of 11 a.m. tomorrow morning,

strictly automation.

It was just lying there, all rolled up in a ball.

It was horrible, just horrible.

Horrible?

Officer, officer. I wanna report a stolen purse.

- Was the lady naked? - Teenagers, that'’s who killed her, teenagers.

Teenagers?

Now, you'’re sure it was stolen, lady?

Where did you last see it?

In a dumbwaiter.

- What was it doing in the dumbwaiter? - It was with me.

I see.

- Will my name be in the papers? - Papers...

- Charlie. - Excuse me.

Now for Patrolman Kinley'’s benefit, would you repeat where you were

when you last saw your purse?

- I was in the dumbwaiter, and he put me in there. - He what?

Hey, goddess, you forgot your purse. Hey, let go of the goddess of the shaft!

You'’re hurting my friend.

Put him down!

Order! Order! Order! Order!

Merry Christmas, Uncle Malthus.

Ho, ho, ho.

Dear Uncle Ebenezer.

Baa, people, humbug, Malthus.

Look hellward, angels,

'’cause you can'’t go home again...

No rock, no stone...

How many times have we set the wedding day?

I'’ve waited years, Ernie. Years!

This wedding comes out Saturday at 11!

- Bee, come on in. - Hi, Lucy.

I figured you could use a little help with your gown and some moral support.

-I'’m glad you came. -Here'’s your paper. Got any coffee?

Sure. Black?

Yep. Are you nervous?

Now why does everyone keep telling me I'’m nervous?

Gosh, I'’ve never felt more calm and peaceful in my life.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Lucy, what'’s wrong?

He'’s in jail.

Ernie?

No, he isn'’t. They just kept him overnight.

How about that?

Why that... that Bluebeard! That cheater!

- Lucy, I hope you'’re not going through with this. - Now just wait a minute, Bea.

We'’re not being fair or sensible. Every bachelor party ends up like this.

They get one of these... these stripteasers,

and everybody gets drunk and...

well, everybody does it. It'’s tradition.

Sure, it is. It'’s a man'’s world.

And what do we get?

Showers.

I'’ve been up half the night, sick with worry. I checked every hospital in town.

I almost even called the cops.

Oh, Foots, honey, aren'’t you even glad to see me?

I missed you so much.

All right, go change your clothes. You know I can'’t stand the smell of jails.

Oh!

Foots!

- Foots! - What?

What?

Forgot my makeup.

Ooh, you crazy beatnik, you.

They'’re out back too?

They'’re all over the place.

Look, the place is lousy with Feds.

What were you in the hole for?

And now the Gestapo right in our own backyard? Eh!

Those crummy Feds.

If I cut out for the airport now, they follow me.

And for what?

A minor charge! Huh?

Narcotics?

No!

Income taxes!

Why me?

Why do they pick on me?

Why don'’t they pick on General Motors? Huh?

Why don'’t they pick on Ford?

Ford!

Where'’s the card?

Where'’d I put that Diners'’ Club?

Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah.

There it is! Go get Klenk and his Diners'’ Card.

Yeah!

I got a lot of orders to do with that card.

Bassanio here.

Fifteen Avis cars, same model and color?

Yes, that is strange.

Give me the name. I'’ll check it out.

Ernest Klenk. Oh.

He works for us.

Mm-hmm.

He'’s getting married this morning.

I suppose they'’re for the wedding party.

Sure. Anytime.

Remember, Klenk,

George is sitting there with a .38 pointed right at your belly.

So you keep your mouth shut and sign for everything.

But I'’ll have to pay for everything.

Never count costs. That'’s the secret of a long life.

- Where do you want '’em? - Stack '’em up right there on the desk,

and Mr. Klenk will sign for it.

-Are they expensive? -What else? It'’s an exclusive number.

Bassanio here.

Heavenly Hot House Florist.

Fifteen bouquets for... Ernest Klenk?

Yes.

- Where'’ll I put '’em? - Over there, just pile '’em up on the desk,

and Mr. Klenk will sign for it.

Uh... uh... are they expensive?

Never count costs, my boy!

Let me guess. Ernie Klenk.

No, I'’m not a mind reader, friend. He works here.

-Hey! What'’s going on here? Who sent for you? -Guy named Klenk.

- Ernest Klenk. - You sure it wasn'’t a guy named Pulardos?

- Yeah. - Positive?

What are you trying to do, make a federal case out of it?

Smart guy.

Bassanio here.

This is Pro Tem Incorporated. I want to check on...

Fourteen redheaded secretaries who wear a size 10 dress?

And he insisted all the girls have a driver'’s license.

They'’re supposed to pick up a rented car and drive to a place called the Sweat Shop.

Ehh...

A wedding or a funeral?

Uh...

Huh?

What do you make of it, Al?

Who knows?

Now you messengers, I want each of you

to pick up a bouquet of flowers here

and wait out in the hall. Come on now, on the double.

Watch out you don'’t crush them.

All right, girls. Quiet please, ladies!

Now let'’s conduct ourselves in a business-like fashion,

because I got very important instructions for you, and if you get it right

the first time, all of you can go home early.

Mr. Martindale? Claude here.

There'’s something I think you should know.

Thanks, bright eyes.

Now Mr. and Mrs. Klenk can take a nice, cozy little trip to Mexico.

Mr. and Mrs. You mean...

you and...

Bright boy.

And at 11:00 this morning you'’re gonna take a little trip too,

from here to eternity.

All right, take him inside and get those asbestos sneakers on him.

Asbestos sneakers? They make my feet warm.

Now remember, stupid, around the corner, huh?

-One of these guys is Pulardos. I know it. -Yeah, but which one?

-Come on, let'’s go. -Hey, wait a minute. He might be inside.

What if he isn'’t? What do we tell headquarters? We gotta chase somebody.

Let me go fellas. I'’m not a cop.

- I'’m not even curious. - Shut up.

Ooh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Hey, hey, stop the car. Will you stop the car.

Hey, Paula...

Sugar, will you stop the car and let me in?

I don'’t know how to stop the car.

I'’m too stupid, remember?

Oh, Sugar, will you stop the car.

I didn'’t mean it, I'’m sorry.

That'’s not enough.

Say, uh... say, "Sugar, you'’re a genius."

Sugar, you'’re a genius.

Ew!

Wait!

Wait!

Klenk, you maniac, what do you think you'’re doing?

I'’ve got to get to the church.

Klenk, I demand an explanation!

Eleven o'’clock. I'’m late. I'’m late.

You'’re riding for a fall, Klenk, you hear?

A serious... Aah!

Say, uh, "Sugar, compared to me,

you'’re an IBM computer."

Sugar, compared to me, you'’re an IBM computer.

Say it with feeling.

Sugar, compared to me, you'’re an IBM computer!

That'’s better. Okay.

The airport. And stay inside the speed limit, bird brain!

Can'’t get married today. They'’re heading for the airport

I'’ll explain it on the way.

Ernie!

-Ay! Oh! -I'’m a bridesmaid, Ernie. I'’m always a bridesmaid.

Come on, come on, we'’ve gotta get to the airport.

Up here, Mr. Klenk! Up here!

Klenk!

Oh!

The explosion entirely disintegrated

the onetime Sweat Shop,

and in no time at all it was a blazing ruin.

- Ernie, to think they almost killed you. - Yeah.

Ernie, you'’re going too fast.

I know.

We can'’t call the police,

maybe they'’ll chase us to the airport.

Ah, let '’em go. Newlyweds!

Now that'’s the kind I like: a playboy in a sports car.

I'’m with you!

- You know, that crazy fool Klenk was kind of a nice guy. - Mm-hmm.

Too bad we had to kill him.

Kill him? Foots! That'’s horrible. What do you mean kill him?

Women drivers!

Hey, what kind of dri... Sugar!

- Ernie! - Klenk!

Ernie, you'’re still alive!

Sugar!

Freeways!

You make a lovely bride, Lucy. Congratulations.

- Thank you, Sid. - I'’d like to thank you too, Mr. Martindale,

but particularly for that promotion.

Oh, well, the detective division is obviously where you belong.

Far, far away from here.

Well, goodbye, Mr. Martindale.

- Goodbye, my dear. - Come on, Ernie.

Bye.

Oh, and thanks ever so much. We'’ll never forget this.

Neither will I!

Bon voyage, Maurice Baskerville.

Tensing.

Oh, Ella, I'’m so happy.

Have a ball, you two!

Oh!