Original subtitles

200 Motels!

200 Motels!

Life on the road!

Ladies and Gentlemen! And here he is...

Who?

Larry the Dwarf!

Larry likes to dress up funny.

Tonight he's dressed up like Frank Zappa.

Let's ask him... What's the deal?

Hi Larry, it's good to have you back on our panel.

Hi Dave, it's really great to be back on your panel.

I'm sure the people at home would be interested to know

why such a large dwarf as you is all dressed up like Frank Zappa.

Tell us Larry?

What's the deal?

He made me do it, Dave.

He's such a creep.

He's making me hold this Aladdin.

And why is he making you do that, Larry?

He wants me to fuck the girl with the harp.

He wants you to fuck the girl

with the harp?

No, no!

With the magic lamp!

He wants me to stuff it up her and rub it!

Ho-ho-ho, ha-ha-ha!

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ho-ho!

Let's ask our studio audience.

If you'd just been lowered down here on TV by a wire

connected to a brown leather harness,

forced by a crazy person to insert a mysterious imported lamp

into the reproductive-rep-rep-rep

into-into the repro... reproductive orifice

of a lady harpist, and you were a dwarf?

Would you do it?

Yes!!

Let's spin the big wheel, Larry!

Go ahead, give it a whirl!

What our studio audience doesn't know,

is that the reason Larry the Dwarf is doing all this stuff is,

because its all part of the score to 200 Motels.

Every word, every action,

the lamp,

the reproductive orifice, it's all in the score,

so he has to do it.

This whole event is a fantasy that occurred touring on the road.

Touring can make you crazy ladies and gentlemen.

That is precisely what 200 Motels,

is all about.

♪ I don't know very much about you ♪

♪ I'm new at this you see ♪

♪ We just came to do an interview ♪

♪ Interview! ♪

♪ I'll just get out my little notebook and pen ♪

♪ Why don't you tell me how you're feeling ♪

♪ about the world today ♪

♪ By the way, what do you call your group? ♪

♪ Call your group! ♪

♪ What the heck do you call your group? ♪

♪ I bet it's something freaky and obscene ♪

♪ and outta-site! ♪

♪ I bet ♪

♪ whatever the name of your group is ♪

♪ that it's real far out and groovy! ♪

♪ I'll get my shot and then I'll get my book ♪

♪ and ask a bunch more fascinating stuff ♪

♪ When is your next L.P. to be released? ♪

♪ And how long have you been growing your...hair? ♪

♪ How long have you been growing your...hair? ♪

♪ Have you been to England yet? ♪

♪ And how do they like your music over there? ♪

♪ How do they like it there? ♪

♪ How do they like it? ♪

♪ How do they like it? ♪

♪ How do they like your music ♪

♪ Over there? ♪

♪ Ohh...

♪ Verr...

♪ There! ♪

♪ Look out! ♪

♪ Look out! ♪

♪ Look out! ♪

♪ How long? ♪

♪ How long? ♪

♪ Till the mystery roach be arrivin' soon ♪

♪ Yea-ooh ♪

♪ Yea-ooh ♪

♪ Yea-ooh ♪

♪ Yea-ooh ♪

♪ The mystery roach be approaching ♪

♪ The mystery roach be approachin' me ♪

♪ How long? ♪

♪ How long? ♪

♪ Till the mystery roach been gone ♪

♪ Yea-ooh ♪

♪ Yea-ooh ♪

♪ The mystery roach be approaching ♪

♪ The mystery roach be approachin' me ♪

♪ Mystery roach be approaching ♪

♪ The mystery roach be approachin' me ♪

♪ Mystery mystery mystery mystery mystery mystery mystery roach! ♪

♪ Oh, mystery! ♪

Room service?

Mystery Roach?

What are we singing about?

We must be. .. flipping out!

It's a good thing we get paid to do this.

I could be in L.A. getting reamed,

listening to an Elton John album.

Don't even talk about getting reamed.

Listen,

I've been without female companionship for so long,

Monday, for instance.

A career as a Jesuit monk sounds inviting,

Ian, you're starting to look good to me.

Dear... Ruth.

Must be his green velour socks.

I'd just calm down there, Duke.

Ever since you left the jazz world to seek

fame and fortune in the rock & roll industry.

Rock & roll?!

What do you mean rock & roll?

This fucking band doesn't even play rock &roll,

it's all that comedy crap!

You should be careful talkin' about that stuff.

Why, does he listen?

He always listens.

He always watches and listens to all the guys in the band.

I've been in the band for years,

and I know.

He always listens.

That's how he gets all his material!

It isn't supposed to be natural,

friendly,

good-natured,

humorous, ha-ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, well fine!

And then he rips us off,

and he sneaks off into a secret room someplace, and boils it in ammonia,

and he gets it perverted,

and then he brings it back to us at rehearsal and makes us play it!

Hey man, what's that over there?

It's him.

You can see him, he's watching.

D'ya think he heard us?

I've been in the band for years.

You can bet that he heard everything.

Yeah, let's go over and pretend to be nice to him.

Yeah, let's go over and pretend we don't know he's watching.

Yeah, and rippin' off all our good material.

Hi, man!

Hi, Frank!

Hi, man!

Hi, Frank!

Hi, man!

Hey, Frank!

Hey, that's a great new song you wrote.

You know, the one about the penis and everything?

I was laughin' a lot the whole time I was learnin' it!

Yeah, we were all laughin', Frank!

Yeah, well fine!

Yeah, it took a little while to get into it man,

but once we got the drift, phew!

Yeah, there's lots of great parts you've got in there for the chorus,

you know when they go:

Ran-Tan-Ran-Toon-Ran-Tan-Framin!

And I steal the room and everything, you know.

I don't even mind you rippin' it off from me, just as long as I get paid.

Oh oh, and I don't even mind the part where he says,

"What can I say about this fabulous elixir,"

So long as me and Howard

and Jeff Simmons who left the group just before the movie started,

get credit for special material!

Man!

Oh!

He's making me leave here now.

I'll see you later when we play.

What?

I don't expect you to understand that, because uh,

we haven't formed the group yet.

Ah, Mark will play the bass...

Ah, Mark will play the bass...

Howie will sing and play sax...

I'll play the guitar...

and the dwarf here will play drums!

Wait-a-minit, wait-a-minit, wait-a-minit, wait-a-minit, wait-a-minit!

This guy isn't even a dwarf!

That's one of the reasons the group will be so commercial!

Ah. What about the other guys?

Ah, they're already forming groups all over the place!

Why wait till the end of the movie, we could have a hit single right now!

He's right, he's right! We don't need Aynsley...

No...

We don't need Ian...

No...

We don't need George!

No!

We don't need anybody! Argh!

No!

He needs us, remember.

We don't need him!

All those other guys are too old for rock.

They're out of it!

We could have a tight little heavy little band with this dwarf here.

You know, that he, he used to play drums for Leon Russell.

Ohh...

Listen, you're right. Zappa's 30.

Yeah, man.

Thirty years old...

Oh, he's out of it man!

He's too old, he should retire.

Yeah, really. You can't trust old people.

You know, we should take up a collection and buy him a watch.

♪ I don't know too much about this stuff ♪

♪ I've been a little busy ♪

♪ This won't take long ♪

♪ Just a few questions ♪

♪ This won't take long ♪

♪ Just a few questions ♪

♪ This won't take long ♪

♪ Just a few questions ♪

♪ This...

♪ won't...

♪ take...

♪ long...

♪ This...

♪ won't...

♪ take...

♪ long...

♪ This...

♪ won't...

♪ take...

♪ long...

♪ This...

♪ won't...

♪ take...

♪ long...

I hear birds!

What's he saying?

Special delivery for Mr. Volman!

Mr. Volman?

Are you Volman?

Do you smell somethin' weird?

It's a double cheeseburger

from a famous American burger chain,

with a symbol in the parking lot that's yellow plastic and goes like this:

Rance Muhammitz!

Rance!

Rance Muhammitz!

Rance!

Muhammitz!

In a steaming briefcase!

You're Volman!

Yeah, No, No. He's Volman.

Who are you?

You must call me...

Rance Muhammitz.

Rance Mohammitz

Stupidest name I ever heard of!

But you must remember that within the conceptual framework of this filmic event,

nothing really matters!

It is entirely possible for several subjective realities to co-exist.

It is possible that all things are a deception of the senses.

Right on, Rance! The functioning of our senses has been

spiritually impaired and chemically corrupted by the fake

artifical food coloring.

By the way.

Mr. Volman, I have...

Your cheeseburger.

We must evolve.

Yeah...

We must progress.

Progress...

There must be growth!

Yeah... macrobiotic foods and tie-dye shirts!

Hey, ya ain't gonna eat that cheeseburger Mark.

Fucking guy will eat anything.

This is registered delivery, you will have to sign for it.

Sure man, I'll sign, where's the pencil?

I don't wish to alarm you my son, but the signature will have to be...

in blood.

Listen man, I just wanna know two things:

Is there any beer in this fake nightclub, and when do we get paid?

Just a minute, just a minute, in a moment or two you'll be

able to get your hands on all the imaginary beer that you want.

For the moment, I would like to explain some of

the things that you'll all be doing in this movie.

I've been wondering about that.

For Sherwood, we have a vacuum cleaner scheduled.

A vacuum cleaner?

And a potential epileptic seizure during a production number later on.

A vacuum cleaner!

I thought the two of you would like to get acquainted.

It says here, that you are supposed to be in love.

This abnormal relationship will be great for the big story I'm going to write!

Listen man, I just wanna know one thing: When do we get paid?

No look, look, look, look, look, don't you even care what you do?

So long as I get some beer and I get paid,

you can make me do anything, I'm professional!

I'm deeply offended by your lack of artistic sense.

Look here, Muhammitz, or whatever the fuck they call ya,

I don't even give a shit man, I got five fuckin' kids at home and...

Can you lend me a coupla bucks until the end of the week?

Who are you anyway?

Oh, she writes for the Imaginary Rock and Roll newspaper in San Francisco.

San Francisco?

You took the mystery burger!

You are in full possession of...

the burger!

Do you know who I am?

Hmm?

Do you know who I really am?

Agh.

Really, man!

Who... do you think...

you are?

Uhh!

Yeah, do you want me to tell you who

I really think you are?

Oh, somebody tell me who is this guy?

Centerville

A real nice place to raise your kids up.

Centerville

It's really neat!

Churches.

Churches

And liquor stores.

Oh, yeah! It's...

Just like Glendale.

Look!

Over there.

It's a rancid boutique.

Janet, did you see those guys with the hair?

It's those guys from the fake stage

across the street from our house.

Ooh, I get so excited when somebody

from a group gets near me.

I just... Ooh, I just...

Don't you have any taste?

That one guy's got gray hair, and the other one's too fat.

But they look so lonely.

Lonely? Good evening, honey.

They look desperate.

Desperate pop stars are so depressing

when they've been on the road for such a long time,

and they finally get some action.

They drool on you.

Really. All that stuff that comes out of their mouth

when they're on top of you.

It's so moche. Eww.

Ew, on the pillows.

But I like the drummer

with the rivets on his clothes.

He's not bad.

Yeah, I've seen him too.

He just screams "Englishness"

with that little haircut and the rings.

And the binoculars.

Binoculars?

Didn't you notice his binoculars?

No. He's got binoculars?

He watches us through them. He's a pervert.

Oh, I get so hot just thinking about perversions.

Maybe when we go down to the fake nightclub tonight,

we can meet him and find out if he really is perverted.

Just take my word for it. He is perverted.

Mmm... And English, too.

They're all that way.

♪ This town ♪

♪ This town ♪

♪ Is a sealed ♪

♪ Tuna sandwich ♪

♪ Sealed ♪

♪ Tuna sandwich ♪

♪ With the wrapper glued ♪

♪ It's by baloney on the rack ♪

♪ It goes for 40 cents a whack ♪

♪ It's just a place for us to play ♪

♪ To help us pay ♪

♪ The cost of the tickets back to L.A ♪

♪ The cost of the tickets back to L.A ♪

♪ The cost of the tickets back to L.A ♪

♪ All the people in the sandwich town ♪

♪ Think the place is great! ♪

♪ What if part of it's crumbling down?

♪ Most of them prob'ly won't be 'round ♪

♪ They'll either be dead, ♪

♪ or moved to San Francisco! ♪

♪ Where everybody thinks they're Heavy Business ♪

♪ But it's just a Tuna Sandwich, from another catering service ♪

♪ This town ♪

♪ This town ♪

♪ This town we're in is just a ♪

♪ Sealed Tuna Sandwich ♪

♪ Is from another tour ♪

♪ We get a few, ♪

♪ in every tour ♪

♪ They're always, ♪

♪ such a fucking bore ♪

♪ I can't wait till we blow this town ♪

♪ And work a place with some local hot action! ♪

♪ This town ♪

♪ This town ♪

♪ Is just a sealed ♪

♪ Tuna sandwich ♪

♪ Sealed... ♪

♪ with the wrapper glued ♪

♪ With the wrapper glued ♪

♪ With wrapper glued ♪

♪ We get a few in every tour ♪

♪ It goes for 30 cents a whack! ♪

♪ It's just a rancid ♪

♪ Little snack ♪

♪ In a plastic bag ♪

♪ From a matron in La Habra ♪

♪ With a blown-out crack ♪

♪ Who dies to suck the fringe, ♪

♪ off of Jimmy Carl Black ♪

♪ My name is Burtram ♪

♪ I am a redneck ♪

♪ All my friends ♪

♪ They call me Burt ♪

Hi, Burt!

♪ All my family ♪

♪ From down in Texas ♪

♪ Make their livin' ♪

♪ Diggin' dirt ♪

♪ Come out here to Californy ♪

♪ Just to find me ♪

♪ Some pretty girls ♪

♪ Ones I seen ♪

♪ Get me so horny ♪

♪ Ruby lips 'n' teeth like pearls ♪

♪ Wanna love 'em all ♪

♪ Wanna love 'em dearly ♪

♪ Wanna pretty girl ♪

♪ I'll even pay ♪

♪ I'll buy 'em furs ♪

♪ I'll buy 'em jewelry ♪

♪ I know they like me ♪

♪ Here's what I say ♪

♪ I'm lonesome cowboy Burt ♪

♪ Speakin' atcha ♪

♪ Come smell my fringe-y shirt ♪

♪ Reekin' atcha ♪

♪ My cowboy pants ♪

♪ My cowboy dance ♪

♪ My bold advance ♪

♪ On this ♪

♪ here... ♪

♪ waitress! ♪

♪ Yodel-oh-oo-pee-hey ♪

♪ Yodel-oh-oo-pee-ee-ee ♪

♪ He's lonesome cowboy Burt ♪

♪ Don'tcha get his feelings hurt ♪

♪ Come on in this place ♪

♪ And I'll buy you a taste ♪

♪ You can sit on my face ♪

♪ Where's my waitress? ♪

♪ Burtram ♪

♪ Burtram Redneck ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah. ♪

♪ Burtram ♪

♪ Burtram Redneck ♪

♪ I'm an awful nice guy ♪

♪ Sweat all day in the sun ♪

♪ Roofer by trade, quite a bundle I've made ♪

♪ I'm a unionized roofin' old son-of-a-gun ♪

♪ He's a unionized roofin' old son-of-a-gun ♪

♪ When I get off, I get plastered ♪

♪ Drink till I fall on the floor ♪

♪ Find me some communist bastard ♪

♪ And stomp on his face till he don't move no more ♪

♪ He stomps on his face till he don't move no more ♪

♪ I fuss and I cuss and I keep on drinkin' ♪

♪ till my eyes puff up and turn red ♪

♪ I drool on my shirt, I see if he's hurt ♪

♪ I kick him again in the head, yeah! ♪

♪ Let's kick him again in the head, boys! ♪

♪ Kick him again in the head, now! ♪

♪ Kick him again in the head! ♪

♪ Lonesome cowboy Burt ♪

♪ Speakin' atcha ♪

♪ Come smell my fringe-y shirt ♪

♪ Reekin' atcha! ♪

♪ My cowboy pants ♪

♪ My cowboy dance ♪

♪ My bold advance ♪

♪ On this... ♪

♪ here waitress! ♪

♪ Yodel-oh-oo-pee-yeh ♪

♪ Yodel-oh-oo-pee! ♪

♪ He's lonesome cowboy Burt ♪

♪ Don'tcha get his feelings hurt ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ But come on in this place ♪

♪ And I'll buy you a taste ♪

♪ And you can sit on my face ♪

♪ Where's my waitress? ♪

Opal, you hot little bitch!

Yes, Jimmy Carl Black,

Indian of the group...

What can I do for you?

Mohannitz! What are you doin' here?

You just called me didn't you?

All I said was "Opal, you hot little bitch"

I am known by many names.

You got many friends who call you

Opal the hot little bitch?

Please, please, please, please Mr. Black.

Let us cut the small talk and get on with your briefing.

Fine, you can brief me all you want,

as long as you can tell me two things...

I know. When do we get paid...

No, I wanna know where's that waitress.

Mm-hmm, waitress...

And if she comes in this place,

will she sit on my face,

and loan me a couple bucks until the end of the week?

Couple of bucks... Heh heh!

End of the week.

Week ending... the week ending...

What... what that? What's the date?

Uh, Tuesday was the 5th.

Uh, Monday was the 3rd.

Make that out for Sunday... da-ah-ah!

Don't say Sunday.

What's wrong with Sunday?

The lord's day! Blam!

A day of rest! Blam!

Just make that sucker out for the 23rd of March, would ya?

Very well, Mr. Black.

Oh, by the way.

I have here...

The special beer I promised you earlier.

Oh man, it's about time. I've been waiting.

Would you care to sign for it?

This is a pencil?

No, Mr. Black, it is a pin.

A pin?

Would you jab yourself in the finger with it?

Listen Mohannitz, I may be professional,

but I'm not that professional. I just want my beer.

Sign first!

In blood.

Fuck you!

Who do you think you are, the devil or something?

I am known by many names.

You probably got some more weird names for yourself,

but I'll tell you one thing, you ain't nev,

you definitely ain't never gonna be called,

and that's the devil, because you ain't the devil.

Oh, I'm not?

You bet your sweet ass you're not.

The fuckin' devil's got an English accent.

I seen him three weeks ago on TV.

So you know you can just take this big needle here

and hang it in your ass, as far as I'm concerned!

Fuckin' guy must have been a communist!

It's really great now.

Ah!. Down here!

More paper, more paper...

I need to write on this now.

Page two. What's that going to be?

Right! Ah, ah.

But I don't care.

Yes... yes!

Yeah, they're getting nasty.

Oh, just a little swab. Get it on!

Oh another page!

What can I say...

about this elixir!

Right on!

Dropped my hat.

They're getting nasty.

Don't leave me, don't leave me.

Oh, I can't live without your super substances.

Ahh, let me write that down... Super Substances.

Yes! Aha...

♪ The girl wants to fix him some broth ♪

♪ Tinsel cock ♪

♪ Doo-wee-do ♪

♪ Tinsel cock, my baby ♪

♪ Would you like some broth? ♪

♪ Some nice soup. Some hot broth? ♪

♪ Small dogs in it. ♪

♪ Do you? ♪

♪ You like broth? Dog broth? ♪

♪ Hot broth? ♪

♪ You like... ♪

♪ Hot dog broth hot? ♪ ♪ Dog broth? ♪

♪ How do you like it? ♪

♪ Debris of the four styles offered? ♪

♪ Debris, broth, breath ♪

♪ and the ever-popular ♪

♪ Hygienic... ♪

♪ European version ♪

♪ Tinsel cock! ♪

♪ Tinsel cock ♪

♪ Which... ♪

♪ do you choose? ♪

The Girl...

in a statement to the press,

explains...

♪ Broth reminds me of nuns ♪

♪ I see them smashing kids with rulers ♪

♪ Disciplining munchkin cretins ♪

♪ Tortured munchkins ♪

♪ Tortured munchkins ♪

♪ Irish Catholic victims ♪

♪ Little green scratchy sweaters ♪

♪ Sweaters ♪

♪ Little green scratchy ones ♪

♪ Brown corduroy pants ♪

♪ Corduroy pants ♪

♪ And green scratchy munchkin ♪

♪ Irish Catholic victims ♪

♪ Munch-kins, munch-a-kins ♪

♪ Munchkins get me hot ♪

♪ Munchkins get me

♪ Get me hot ♪

♪ Munch! ♪

♪ Gets her real hot! ♪

♪ Why don't you strap on ♪

♪ This here bunch ♪

♪ of cardboard boxes, daddy-o? ♪

♪ Joy of my desiring ♪

♪ You'll certainly look suave and get me hot ♪

♪ Hot, hot, get me hot, ♪

♪ and horny ♪

♪ Ohh! ♪

♪ If there's one thing I really get off on ♪

♪ It's a nun suit painted on some old boxes ♪

♪ Some old melodies ♪

♪ Four four an aura! ♪

♪ An areola! ♪

♪ Pink gums! ♪

♪ Stumpy gray teeth! ♪

♪ Dental floss! ♪

♪ Gets me so hot! ♪

♪ Tinsel tinsel tinsel tinsel! ♪

♪ I wanna rock the tinsel cock my baby! ♪

Hello there.

When you go on tour with a musical group,

it's possible that any town can seem like this...

Whether it's large or small, or busy,

or if there's nothing happening in it.

The reason for this is quite simple.

A musician, if you consider the normal pattern

of modern civilized life,

is on the outside of it all.

He doesn't build things.

He doesn't work regular hours

like a decent, god-fearing citizen.

And the life he leads, in many ways,

seems useless and irrelevant to those of us

who'd prefer a quiet evening in front of the television

and a bottle of beer.

Amazing as it might seem to some of us,

musicians have basic physical needs,

just like real people.

Many of them study for years,

learning to play the violin, for instance.

Only to be rewarded with a hum-drum job

in the fourth row of a symphonic string section.

That's why the government have constructed,

at great expense,

this experimental re-orientation facility...

To find a way, perhaps, to retrain these useless

old musicians with their brown fiddles and little horns,

give them a trade.

A reason to exist in the modern world,

a chance of a happier, more productive life.

Some will enter the military,

some will learn shorthand,

and some will disappear in the middle of the night,

on a special train they're sending in.

It's the only way, really,

to bring about the final solution

to the orchestra question.

I'm sure that many of us realize

that a pop group can earn a vast amount of money

compared to these other kinds of musicians.

That's why the special government agencies

for mass response programming and psychological stultification

prefer to treat them in a more subtle manner.

They know, just as many of you

vigilant and thoroughly upstanding citizens

have discovered for yourselves.

The power of pop music to corrupt and putrefy

the minds of world youth are virtually limitless.

♪ She painted up her face ♪

♪ She sat before the mirror ♪

♪ She painted up her face ♪

♪ She drew the mirror nearer ♪

♪ Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing! ♪

♪ The Stare! ♪

♪ Stare! ♪

♪ The 'Secret Stare' she would use ♪

♪ if a worthy-looking victim should appear ♪

♪ Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing! ♪

♪ Ah-hoo-ah-hoo-wah-hoo-wahhhh ♪

♪ Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing! ♪

♪ The clock upon the wall ♪

♪ has struck the midnight hour! ♪

♪ She finishes her call ♪

♪ Her girlfriend's in the shower ♪

♪ Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing! ♪

♪ Half a dozen provocative squats! ♪

♪ Out of the shower, she squeezes her spots ♪

♪ Brushes her teeth ♪

♪ Shoots a deodorant spray up her twat! ♪

♪ It's getting her, getting her hot! ♪

♪ Oh-woh-woh- woh-woh-woh ♪

♪ She's just twenty-four and she can't get off ♪

♪ A sad but typical case, yeah ♪

♪ Last dude to do her ♪

♪ got in and got soft ♪

♪ She blew it ♪

♪ and laughed in his face, yeah! ♪

♪ Face, yeah! ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ She chooses all the clothes ♪

♪ She'll wear tonight to dance in! ♪

♪ The places that she goes ♪

♪ are filled with guys from groups ♪

♪ Yeah-yeah-yeah ♪

♪ Waiting for a chance to break her pants in ♪

♪ Provocative Squats! ♪

♪ Gum-me-on-m'lung-a ♪

♪ Provocative Squats! ♪

♪ Gum-me-on-m'lung-a ♪

♪ Provocative Squats! ♪

♪ Gum-me-on-m'lung-a ♪

♪ Provocative Squats! ♪

♪ Gum-me-on-m'lung-a ♪

♪ Well, at least there's sort of a choice there ♪

♪ Twenty or thirty at times there have been ♪

♪ somewhat desirable boys there ♪

♪ Dressed really spiffy, with long hair ♪

♪ Waiting for girls they can shove it right in ♪

♪ Well, at least there's sort of a choice there ♪

♪ Twenty or thirty at times there have been ♪

♪ somewhat desirable boys there ♪

♪ Dressed really spiffy, with long hair ♪

♪ Waiting for girls they can shove it right in ♪

I'm going to die.

I know I'm going to die,

I can tell because my pulse is so weak.

The pills... I took so many downers

that I know this is the end for me.

You poor thing. You want us to fix your hair

for you so you look good when they find you?

Oh... would you?

Sure, whaddyawant? A ponytail?

A flat-top with fenders?

I'm gonna die Janet, I'm gonna O.D.!

So,make me look good.

Listen, the best I can do for you is fix your hair.

So why don't you get up and wash that melted eye makeup off your face.

Is it smeared? I've been crying so much... It's so damn sad.

When you know you'll never see all your friends anymore.

Every week it's the same old thing. You're gonna die.

You're gonna die. Somebody went out on you.

Somebody doesn't love you anymore. How long you been a groupie?

You should get used to romances which are so obviously cheap.

Listen, just in case you crash out, and the imaginary

rock and roll newspaper from San Francisco wants to get

any pictures of you, you'll look like you washed your face.

Really, it's better this way with a clean face.

People think groupies are such dirty girls.

I wouldn't mind sort of fucking all three of them!

Look, over there!

What?

He's doing it, he's watching us from the fake bandstand with the binoculars!

Who, the English dude?

Oh, rivet-boy!

The rivet boy? Where?

Over there, wipe that stuff out of your eyes. It looks like he's beating off.

Beating off? I knew he was a pervert.

Eww, how exciting.

Hey, are you still trying to O.D.?

Yes, this definitely is the end for me!

I feel so faint! So weak!

Good evening honey, that was the most

imaginary collapse I've seen since last week.

Janet do you think she's going to die?

Are you kidding? Did you see her hit the floor?

God, well it was so obviously cheap. Lift up your head, honey.

I'm going to die. This time it's real.

Listen, Lucy, we gotta get ready for our big dance number,

we're going to the fake nightclub tonight.

Everything's getting dim.

Why don't you tell her a story while you put your makeup on?

Good evening.

Oh. Listen, toots. I'm going to make up a nice little fairy tale for you.

The pills, the Mandrax, I took so many of them.

I'll tell you part of the story, and then you make up

another part that goes along with it.

Once upon a time there was a tall, handsome, muscular...

dwarf...

with a very special...

Swedish apparatus..

that him and his friends would use in conjunction with...

bold new surgical experiments...

involving...

a bludgeon, and a bottle of champagne...

and a...

microwave oven...

from a...

jumbo jet, one of the big jobs leased from Air Rangoon...

which, when used correctly...

can effectively increase the dimensions...

and firepower of your...

dick...

to the point where...

in some instances,

it should be classified as a lethal weapon!

Hello there.

All the guys in the band are pretending to get ready

so they can go out and find some pussy.

Oh, I wonder where the action is in this town?

Every musician likes to find some pussy.

Boy, I could have really scored last night.

but every night, it's the same thing:

Aynsley gets there first.

He's so fast, it...

Must be from playing the drums or something.

I mean...

If those girls over there

only knew my secret identity, but...

But how could they?

Ho-how could they know that...

I am bwana dik?

Where's my hair dryer?

Got to look lovely for the girls.

After all...

I am bwana dik.

Each guy has his own specialty

for getting the girl of his dreams.

I sprayed my pits.

I put on a new tie-dye t-shirt.

I brushed my teeth.

I cleaned my glasses.

I buffed my nails.

I bought a copy of Down Beat

so I could carry it around and

look like I knew what was happening.

I left my shirt unbuttoned at the top.

I just know I'm gonna get laid tonight.

I'm not taking any chances.

I got this little jar of tinsel glitter here.

The same brand Danny Hutton puts on his face

that makes him look all...

Glistening and seductive.

Just put a little on here.

The cheeks...

The chin...

Mmm, the quivering lips.

I'm so commercial, I could die!

Somebody...

Turn on a blue spotlight!

♪ What... ♪

♪ will this... ♪

♪ morning... ♪

♪ bring me... ♪

♪ this evening? ♪

♪ Some local ♪

♪ hot action ♪

♪ I'm a young lonely guy ♪

♪ Before we are leaving ♪

♪ Maybe we can get some head ♪

♪ Go to the club or the bar ♪

♪ Or wherever the pussy is found ♪

♪ In the town your band is booked to play in ♪

♪ It's always a little bit harder to score ♪

♪ If it's just your first time in a town ♪

♪ you never hit before ♪

♪ Stayed in it once ♪

♪ and got laid ♪

♪ You've got it made ♪

♪ Ahh, got it made! ♪

♪ Ohh! ♪

♪ Just your first time ♪

♪ Then you know it's no fun to go ♪

♪ back to a plastic hotel ♪

♪ all alone! ♪

♪ Go to the club or the bar ♪

♪ Or wherever the pussy is found ♪

Hah! Hyuh!

Agh! Hyuh!

One minute to post time.

Approaching the gate.

There's the call...

Hah! None may resist me.

They're moving into the gate.

Three cheeseburgers.

Wow. Boy, do I need it!

Open up!

Open! Open up!

Hey, open up! Open the door!

Women! Booze!

Open up! I'm not stalling!

Come on, you guys, get out of my way!

♪ She's such a dignified lady ♪

♪ She's so pretty and soft ♪

♪ You can't call her a groupie ♪

♪ It just pisses her off ♪

♪ She's got diamonds and jewelry ♪

♪ She got lots of new clothes ♪

♪ She ain't hurtin' for money ♪

♪ So that everyone knows ♪

♪ That she knows what she wants ♪

♪ She knows what she likes ♪

♪ Daddy, daddy, daddy, wanna do it? ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Daddy, daddy, daddy, wanna do it? ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Daddy, daddy, daddy, wanna do it? ♪

♪ Look out, she's got her eyes on you ♪

♪ She left her place after midnight ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪

♪ And she drove to the club ♪

♪ La la la la-ee-ah ♪

♪ You know that her and her partner ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪

♪ Came here lookin' for love ♪

♪ La la la la-ee-ah ♪

♪ They want a guy from a group ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪

♪ Got a thing in the charts ♪

♪ La la la la-ee-ah ♪

♪ If his dick is a monster ♪

♪ If his dick is a monster ♪

♪ If his dick is a monster ♪

♪ They will give him their hearts ♪

♪ 'Cause they know what they want ♪

♪ Wanna do it, do it, they wanna, wanna do it ♪

♪ They know what they like ♪

♪ Wanna do it, do it, they wanna, wanna do it ♪

♪ Daddy, daddy, daddy, wanna do it ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Daddy, daddy, daddy, wanna do it ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Daddy, daddy, daddy, wanna do it ♪

♪ Look out, they got their eyes on you ♪

♪ Bam, bam, ya ta da da ♪

♪ They know what they want ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Know what they like ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Daddy, daddy, daddy ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Daddy, daddy, daddy ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Daddy, daddy, daddy ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ You got 'em screamin' all night ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪

♪ Sreamin' all night ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Do you like my new car? ♪

♪ Do it, do it, you wanna, wanna do it do it ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Do you like my new car ♪

♪ Do it, do it, you wanna, wanna, do it, do it? ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Do you like my new car?

♪ Do it, you wanna, wanna, do it, do it? ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Do you like my new car?

♪ Do it, do it, you wanna, wanna, do it, do it? ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Do you like my new car?

♪ Do it, do it, you wanna, wanna, do it, do it? ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Do you like my new car? ♪

♪ Do it, do it, you wanna, wanna, do it, do it? ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Do you like my new car?

♪ Do it, do it, you wanna, wanna, do it, do it? ♪

♪ Ohh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Do you like my new car?

♪ Do it, do it, you wanna, wanna, do it, do it? ♪

Do you like my new car?

It's real cool.

Do you know how to get to the cheesy motel?

Yeah which one is it?

The one by the airport.

Oh-oh-oh... Oh man!

Do you like my new car?

Do you like playing with that, or what?

Real cool!

Your right. You'll probably take me to the cheesy motel

without smashing into the butcher shop.

Which one are you staying at?

The one by the airport.

Keep it up Ian! Ian!

We got a get up early, and fly out of here in the morning, you know?

Oh yeah really?

Yeah, really.

Where do you play tomorrow night?

Oh, Tierra del Fuego.

Oh yeah.

And then there's that BBQ at Mutt's.

Oh, you're so professional!

I mean - Ha ha ha ha!

The way you get to travel to all those exotic places!

Do you really have a hit single in the charts with a bullet?

Listen up...

Would I lie to you just to get in your pants?

Don't talk to me that way!

Keep your eye on the road!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh road groupie!

♪ Ooh, the way you love me, lady ♪

♪ I get so hard now I could die ♪

♪ Ooh, the way you love me, sugar ♪

♪ I get so hard now I could die ♪

♪ Open up your pocketbook ♪

♪ Get another quarter out ♪

♪ Drop it in the meter, mama ♪

♪ Try me on for size ♪

♪ Open up your pocketbook ♪

♪ Get another quarter out ♪

♪ Drop it in the meter, mama ♪

♪ Try me on for size ♪

♪ Ooh, the way you squeeze me, baby ♪

♪ Red balloons just pop behind my eyes ♪

♪ Ooh, the way you squeeze me, girl ♪

♪ Red balloons just pop behind my eyes ♪

♪ Open up your pocketbook ♪

♪ Get another quarter out

♪ Drop it in the meter, mama ♪

♪ Try me on for size

♪ Open up your pocketbook ♪

♪ Get another quarter out ♪

♪ Drop it in the meter, mama ♪

♪ Try me on for size ♪

♪ Do you really wanna please me? ♪

♪ Well, you know I do, babe ♪

♪ Well, tell me why you do it ♪

♪ I really wanna know ♪

♪ Oh, no, no, it wouldn't be right ♪

♪ For me to tell you tonight ♪

♪ You better tell me right away ♪

♪ Or I'll pack up and go ♪

♪ Don't get mad, it ain't no big thing ♪

♪ You better tell me right away ♪

♪ Don't you treat me cold ♪

♪ Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it ♪

Well...

There are a lot of reasons why I'd...

I'd drag a girl such as yourself back to this...

Plastic hotel room and...

Rip you off for spare change to run a...

to run a vibrating machine attached to this

queen-size, bulk-purchase, kapok-infested,

do-not-remove-tag-under-penalty- of-law type bed and...

And make you take off all your little clothes...

Until you were nearly stark, raving nude!

Save for your chrome with heavy-duty leather thong

peace medallion.

And make you assume a series

of marginally erotic poses involving...

A plastic chair and...

An old guitar strap, while I...

Did a wee-wee in your hair and...

Beat you with a pair of tennis shoes...

I got from Jeff Beck.

Oh wow, what a night.

Well did you get any action tonight?

Didn't you used to be with the Mothers?

Yeah.

Is this what you do now?

I've got my own group, too.

I don't mind being in this movie.

I get a chance to transform a few times,

drink these vile, foamy liquids.

Bleagh.

What kind of a life is that?

It's not that bad! Really!

I like to be a monster every once in awhile!

No one will ever take you seriously after this.

Why, because I transform? I like to be a monster!

There's a little monster in every one of us.

You'll probably stay here for the rest of your life

with your fake potions and your twisted monster face.

You could've been something in rock and roll.

I tried to get a hit single.

It drove me to drink.

Ugh.

Hoo-hoo-ha-ha...

Go on, laugh about it. You could have been a star.

You could have spread your aura across vast continental areas!

Your name on millions of small, hot lips, whispering

under secure, pink blankets in the lonely midnight dark.

But whaddya do? Ya join the Mothers,

and ya end up working for Zappa,

and he makes you be a creep!

You could a played the blues with John Mayall,

or far-out exciting jazz with Blood Sweat and Tears.

You really think so?

Look. No one will ever take you seriously after this.

How can they take you seriously?

In this business, you've either to play the blues,

or sing with a high voice.

You're right.

I never should have joined the Mothers.

Why, I could be a star now!

Oh, when I think of all those millions of...

Hot pink juicy little...

Hey, listen do you know where I can uh,

get any dope in this imaginary town?

Man, there's no dope in this town.

Just these vile, foamy liquids.

Well, they're fake aren't they?

No, they're real!

I mix them myself at home,

and then I bring them in the morning...

secret spiritual formulas.

Ew, what's a secret spiritual formula about?

The stuff that goes in the elixir, the potion.

Whatever I mix, is irrelevant to the result.

You mean they're fake potions, right?

Look, it doesn't matter what's in the mix.

It's the liquid!

The concept, of the liquid...

is enough to trigger a special cosmic aware state.

It's because I'm so spiritually evolved...

Oh, listen, I just wanna get out of it, and go back to me

fake motel room and play the blues, you know!

Fuck your spiritual evolvement!

Anyway, what happens

if a new and exciting blues talent such as meself drinks your stuff?

Here, take this back to your fake room. Drink it.

I'd feel a lot happier if there was something I could smoke.

Well, here. Dip this in it.

Now, let it dry out.

That ought to get you a little high.

Or something.

Ew, I can't take you seriously.

Look, you might as well take this too.

I know its only a fake potion.

Well listen, we should get together sometime.

Have a jam. Yeah, play some blues.

Extensions! Why not some extended blues licks?

White people can play the blues, you know.

Hello. Oh, Frank.

Yeah, I gave it to him.

Yeah, he went back to the special room.

No, no, he's gonna smoke it.

Yeah, right.

Hey, listen.

You got any idea when we're gonna get paid for this?

♪ Penis dimension ♪

♪ Penis dimension ♪

♪ Penis dimension is worrying me ♪

♪ I can't hardly sleep at night ♪

♪ Cause of penis dimension ♪

♪ Do you worry? ♪

♪ Do you worry a lot? ♪

♪ No! ♪

♪ Do you worry? ♪

♪ Do you worry and moan... ♪

♪ That the size of your cock ♪

♪ is not monstrous enough? ♪

♪ It's your penis dimension! ♪

♪ Penis dimension! ♪

♪ Wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ♪

♪ Wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ♪

Hiya friends. Now just be honest about it.

Did you ever consider the possiblity,

that your penis, and in the case of

many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves

might provide elements of sub-conscious tension?

Weird, twisted anxieties

that could force a human being to have to become...

A politician!

A policeman!

A Jesuit monk

A rock and roll guitar player!

A wino! You name it.

Or in he case of the ladies,

the ones that can't afford

a silicone beef-up....

they become writers of hot books.

"Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim."

Yes, or they become Carmelite nuns!

"Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated

member in her slithering slit!" Ha ha ha!

Or race horse jockeys. There is no reason why you

or your loved ones should suffer. Things are bad enough,

without the size of your organ adding even

more misery to the troubles of the world!

Right on, right on!

Now, if you're a lady and you've got munchkin tits,

You can console yourself with this age-old line from primary school:

Anything Over A Mouthful Is Wasted!

And isn't it the truth? And if you're a guy,

and one night you're at a party

and you're trying to be cool.

I mean, you aren't even wearing any underwear you're being so cool.

And somebody hits on you one night, and he looks you up

and down and he says, uh...

Eight inches or less?

Well let me tell you brothers,

That's the time when you've got to turn around and

Look that son-of-a-bitch right between the eyes.

And you got to tell him these words:

I stuff three pair of socks

and a bar of beauty soap

down in front of my pants!

Your dick!

Your dick?

Your dork!

Your dork?

Your prick!

Your prick?

Your pork!

Your pork?

Who calls it a pork?

These men, and the stuff they call a wee-wee!

A wee-wee?

You mean a penis, don't you?

A penis?

Penis is such an ugly word.

It's not that ugly, really.

Sure, I use it all the time.

Sure, sure, we all say it every once in a while. Listen:

Penis!

Ewww!

Penis!

Penis!

Ew, it sounds so revolting the way you guys say it. Ew, ka-ka.

Ka-ka!

The penis can be a very useful organ.

Yeah, and very exciting too, once you get to know me.

Oh, yeah, right, yeah, etc...

Penis!

It sounds so overwhelmingly medicinal.

A penis sounds like something a doctor would have hanging off of him.

None of the men I know and love

in the rock and roll business got penises.

They all got cocks or dicks at least.

Sure, you want to go strap on a pop star,

and he wants to stick a penis up you, where is that at?

Let's ask our studio audience!

Will you trade what he has in his pants

for what I have behind this curtain?

What is it?

You mean what's in his pants?

I know what's in his pants, he's a lonely guy.

You have to choose before the big wheel stops whirling.

You! Hey, buddy! Sky Marshall!

Go whirl the big wheel!

Can I just take the money?

There isn't any money, just the curtain and...

the lonely guy.

Time is running out, think it over carefully.

The curtain!

I want the money.

Wait! What could it be in there?

In his pants?

In the curtain!

Doesn't anybody care what's in my pants?

I stuffed 3 pairs of socks and a bar

of beauty soap down the front of my pants.

♪ What will I say the next day ♪

♪ To whatever I drag to my hotel tonight? ♪

♪ If things go all right ♪

♪ What will I say ♪

♪ The next day to whatever ♪

♪ I drag to my hotel tonight? ♪

♪ Will she be out of sight? ♪

♪ What will this evening ♪

♪ Bring me this morning? ♪

♪ What will this evening ♪

♪ Bring me this morning? ♪

♪ A succulent fat one ♪

♪ A mod little flat one ♪

♪ Maybe a hot one to give me the clap ♪

♪ Maybe a freak who gets off with a strap ♪

♪ What will I say the next day to whatever ♪

♪ I drag to my hotel tonight ♪

♪ Hotel tonight ♪

♪ What will I say the next day to whatever ♪

♪ I drag to my hotel tonight? ♪

♪ Will she be out of sight? ♪

♪ What will I say the next day to whatever ♪

♪ I drag to my hotel tonight? ♪

♪ If things go all right ♪

♪ What will I say the next day to whatever ♪

♪ I drag to my hotel tonight? ♪

♪ Will she be out of sight? ♪

Well listen. We should get together sometime.

Have a jam. Yeah, play some blues.

Extensions!

Why not some extended blues licks?

White people can play the blues, you know.

Extensions! Why not?

Extensions! Why not?

Extensions! Why not?

Extensions! Why not?

Why not some extended blues licks?

Why not some extended blues licks?

Yeah, I gave it to him.

Yeah, he went back to the special room.

No, no, he's gonna smoke it.

Wanna watch a dental hygiene movie?

Han-Min-Noon-Toon Han-Toon-Ran.

No, Jeff!

Rantoon, Rantoon, Rantoon, Frammin, Hantoon, Rantoon, Hantoon, Frammin.

Man! This stuff is great! It's just as if Donovan himself

had appeared on my very own TV with words of peace, love,

and eternal cosmic wisdom!

Leading me. Guiding me.

On paths of everlasting pseudo-karmic negligence,

in the very midst of my drug-induced nocturnal emission.

For I am your good conscience, Jeff. I know all. I see all.

I am a cosmic love pulse matrix, becoming a technicolor inter-positive!

Where'd you buy that incense?

It's hip.

It's the same and mysterious exotic oriental fragrance

as what the Beatles get off on.

I thought I recognized it.

Mmm, what is that, musk?

Jeff, I know what's good for you. Right.

You're heavy.

Yes, Jeff, I am your guiding light.

Listen to me. Don't rip off the towels, Jeff!

Piss off, you little nitwit!

Hey man, what's the deal?

Don't listen to him Jeff, he's no good.

He'll make you do bad things!

You mean, he'll make me sin?

Yes, Jeff.

Sin! Wow!

Jeff, I'd like to have a word with you,

about your soul.

No, don't listen, Jeff.

Why are you wasting your life

night after night playing this comedy music?

You're right, I'm too heavy to be in this group.

♪ Comedy music ♪

♪ Jeff your soul! ♪

♪ You're wasting your life ♪

♪ You're much too heavy, Jeff ♪

In this group, all I ever get to do is play Zappa's comedy music.

He eats!

Jeff! I get so tense!

Of course you do, my boy.

The stuff he makes me do is always off the wall!

That's why it would be best to leave his stern employ.

And quit the group!

You'll make it big!

That's right.

Of course!

And then I won't be small!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ti-diddly-diddly-dee.

Ha, ha, ha...

He-he-he-he-heh!

Ahmet Ertegun used this towel as a bathmat six weeks

ago at a rancid motel in Orlando Florida,

with the highest mildew rating of any commercial lodging facility

within the territorial limits of the United States,

naturally excluding tropical possessions...

It's still damp.

What an aroma! This is the best I ever got off!

What can I say about this elixir?

Try it on steaks, cleans nylons, small craft warnings.

It's great for the home, the office. On fruits!

This is the real you, Jeff. Rip off a few more ashtrays.

Get rid of some of that inner tension. Quit the comedy group!

Get your own group together. Heavy!

Like Grand Funk! or Black Sabbath!

No, Jeff!

or Coven!

Peace!

Love!

Bollocks!

What can I say about this elixir?

Jeff has gone out there on that stuff!

He should have never have used the elixir and

only stuck to the incense. Oh, Atlantis...

That was Billy the Mountain dressed up like Donovan,

fading out on the wall mounted TV screen.

Jeff is flipping out!

Road fatigue!

We've got to get him back to

normal before Zappa finds out,

and steals it and makes him do it in the movie!

You have a brilliant career ahead of you my boy.

Just get out of this group!

Howard, that was Studebacher Hoch, dressed up like Jim Pons

giving career guidance to the bass player of a

rock-orientated comedy group.

Jeff's imagination has

gone beyond the fringe of audience comprehension.

Jeff, Jeff, it's me, the Phlorescent Leech!

Jeff, Jeff, it's me, Eddie! Ha ha... ha ha...

Wowwwwww!

What can I say about this elixir?

Well, put it on your steaks!

Send it overseas! Clean your swimming pool!

Sell it to your mother and tell her it's a Rit tie-dye kit!

Soak your shirts in it! Let it play the piano!

Put it on your surfboard so you won't slip off!

Ironing goes easier!

And your car windows!

Never looked better in your whole life!

You can inhale it and it makes your voice three keys higher!

Put it on your pizzas, put it on your shoes!

When you put it in your hair as hair tonic!

Tie your bike with it, and fill up your tires with it!

Wowwwwww!

What can I say about this elixir?

Dwee-doo dee-ooo-poo.

Does this kind of life look interesting to you?

Night after night, dinners with Herb Cohen.

Thrill-packed, fun-filled

evenings on the French Riviera at the MIDEM convention.

A fake tie, the whole bit.

Watch Mutt eat, and Leon feed the geese.

One thousand green business cards

with your name and the wrong address.

Plus six royalty statements,

inspected and customized by Rantoon, Tan, Hantoon, Frammin and Dee!

Followed by twelve potential suicides as

the members of your group past and present,

find out they can't collect unemployment.

A dog, a car, an epidemic of body lice,

with your own record company, your name on the door,

electric buzzer to the inner office, and Ona's tits,

and a three month supply of

German bookings with tickets on Air Rangoon.

Does this kind of life look interesting to you?

As a fake rock and roll guitar player in a comedy group?

Hunna hunna hunna

200 Motels

200 Motels.

I'm stealing the room!

I'm stealing the room!

This, as you may have gathered,

is the end of the movie.

The entire cast is assembled here

at the Centerville Recreational Facility

to bid farewell to you, and to express

thanks for your attendance at this theater.

This might seem old fashioned to some of you,

but I'd like to join in on this song.

It's the kind of a sentimental song that you get at the end of a movie.

It's the kind of a song that people might

sing to let you in the audience know

that we really like you and care about you.

We understand how hard it is to laugh these days,

with all the terrible problems in the world!

♪ Lord, have mercy on ♪

♪ the people in England ♪

♪ For the terrible food ♪

♪ hese people must eat ♪

Baaahhh... excuse me a minute

♪ And may the Lord have ♪

♪ mercy on the fate of this movie ♪

♪ And God bless the mind ♪

♪ of the man in the street ♪

♪ Help all the rednecks and ♪

♪ the flatfoot policemen ♪

♪ On the terrible functions ♪

♪ they all must perform ♪

♪ God help the winos ♪

♪ the junkies, and the weirdos ♪

♪ And ♪

♪ Every poor soul who's adrift in the storm. ♪

♪ Help everybody, so they all get some action ♪

♪ Some love on the weekend! ♪

♪ Some real satisfaction! ♪

♪ A room and a meal and a garbage disposal ♪

♪ A lawn and a hose'll be strictly genteel! ♪

♪ Lord, have mercy on the hippies and faggots ♪

♪ And the dykes and the weird little children they grow ♪

♪ Help the black man ♪

♪ Help the poor man ♪

♪ Help the milk man! ♪

♪ Help the door man! ♪

♪ Help the lonely neglected ♪

♪ old farts that I know! ♪

Well, it certainly has been swell

If your name wasn't on the list of

blessings we've been passing out tonight,

we don't want you to be pissed off.

We don't want you to leave that theater.

Forgive him, for he knows not what he does.

But before we go on, I'd like to introduce to you...

On the other hand, maybe he does know.

My good friend and musical associate,

Mr. Howard Kaylan

who's about to give us

the closing, final benediction.

♪ They're gonna clear out the studio ♪

♪ They're gonna tear down all the ♪

♪ They're gonna whip down all the ♪

♪ They're gonna sweep out all the ♪

♪ They're gonna pay off all the ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ And then ♪

♪ And then! ♪

♪ And then! ♪

♪ And then! ♪

♪ Hey hey hey! ♪

♪ Everybody in the orchestra and the chorus ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout every one of our lovely and talented dancers ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout the light bulb men ♪

♪ Th camera men ♪

♪ The make-up men ♪

♪ The fake-up men! ♪

♪ Yeah, the rake-up men ♪

♪ Especially Herbie Cohen, yeah! ♪

♪ They're all gonna rise up ♪

♪ They're gonna jump up ♪

♪ I said jump up ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout jump right up and off the floor! ♪

♪ Jump right up and hit the door! ♪

♪ They're all gonna rise up and come home ♪

♪ They're gonna ride on home ♪

♪ They're gonna ride on home ♪

♪ They're gonna ride on home ♪

♪ They're gonna ride on home ♪

♪ And once again ♪

♪ Take themselves ♪

♪ Seriously! ♪

♪ Yeah, two, three, four, seriously! ♪

♪ They're all gonna go home ♪

♪ Through the driving sleet and rain ♪

♪ They're all gonna go home ♪

♪ Through the fog, through the dust ♪

♪ Through the tropical fever and the blistering frost ♪

♪ They're all gonna go home ♪

♪ And get out of it as they can be, baby ♪

♪ The same goes for me! ♪

♪ The same goes for me! ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ And each and every member of this rock ♪

♪ orientated comedy group in his own special way, ♪

♪ Is gonna get out of it as he can be ♪

♪ We all gonna get wasted ♪

♪ We all gonna get twisted ♪

♪ We all gonna get wasted ♪

♪ We all gonna get twisted ♪

♪ And I am definitely gonna get reamed! ♪

♪ Cause I'm such a lonely ♪

♪ I'm such a lonely ♪

♪ Lonely, lonely ♪

♪ Talkin' bout a lonely guy! ♪

♪ Oh, and I know tonight ♪

♪ I am definitely ♪

♪ I am positively ♪

♪ I just have to get... ♪

♪ Bent! ♪

♪ Reamed! ♪

♪ And Wasted! ♪

A disaster area the size of Atlantic City New Jersey!

Oh, he's making me do this, ladies and gentlemen.

I wouldn't do it if it weren't for him.

You noticed, all through this material,

I've been glancing over towards my left?

Well, I'll tell you the reason for that, ladies and gentlemen.

He is over there.

He is over on the left.

He is the guy that is making me do all this shit!

Right over there.

Now all through this movie,

every time we've been on stage,

I've had to look over in that direction, right?

You saw it! You know!

Well that's 'cause he's over there!

I've got to watch him for signs!

He jumps up and down like a jackass!

I can't even believe the guy sometimes!

But we gotta watch him.

After all we said, "It is Frank's movie"

Now we're The Mothers, but it's still Frank's movie!

Let's say it, he paid for it,

he rented the studio, had all these cheesy sets painted!

It's so moche!

I can't even stand it!

He's telling everybody!

Right now, right over there!