Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Which is why I say the potato

is superior to the sports bra.

And if you don't believe us,

try making French fries out of a sports bra.

Okay, next on "iCarly," we're going to talk

about the doorman who works in the lobby of this building.

His name is Lewbert.

The meanest man alive. We hate his guts.

And so you can hate Lewbert's guts

just as much as us...

We asked our technical producer Freddie...

Say yo to the people, Freddie. Yo to the people.

How y'all doing out there?

That's enough, Freddie. Anyway, we've been secretly

videotaping Lewbert for almost a week.

So let's take a look at some of the highlights.

Freddie, roll the clip.

Playback.

Okay, and there's Lewbert sitting at his desk.

Just a nasty little man working in the lobby.

And if you look real close, you can see his wart.

Zoom in on it, Freddie.

Digital zoom.

There it is living happily right on Lewbert's face.

I call that wart Little Lewbert.

Zoom out. Ooh, okay, see that lady?

Watch what happens. Out!

I just need to check my mail.

No dogs in my lobby!

I will leave in a minute.

Now! Out!

You know what? I pay rent in this building.

This is not... I can't believe you are treating us like this.

He's arguing with a pomegranate.

Pomeranian.

Whatever. Okay. Okay.

Now watch Lewbert closely.

See that little kid with the balloon right next to him?

Mommy, that man ate my cookie.

You took my son's cookie?

No. No way. Oh!

You are so cruel. You've got crumbs

falling all over your face and all over my face.

Security, that man took my son's cookie.

What are you going to do about it?

Ahh!

You see what he did? Did you see that?

As you can see, Lewbert's a bad person.

Not a good dude.

Which is why we're introducing a new segment on "iCarly,"

which we call Messin' with Lewbert.

And there's Lewbert live.

I'll dial the lobby downstairs.

Main lobby.

Ahh!

And that concludes this segment of...

Messin' with Lewbert.

Who is this?

Ahh!

In five, four, three, two...

♪ I know you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ Live life, breathe air ♪

♪ I know somehow we're going to get there ♪

♪ And feel so wonderful ♪

♪ It's all for real ♪

♪ I'm telling you just how I feel ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance unless you take one ♪

♪ Every time, just see the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best and leave the rest to me ♪

♪ Leave it all to me ♪

♪ Leave it all to me ♪

♪ Just leave it all to me ♪

What up, my peeps? Wow.

That greeting was uncool in so many ways.

Yeah, well, uncool is the new cool.

Wow, that comeback was uncool in so many ways.

All right, you know what, Sam?

What Freddie? Why don't you tell me what.

I'm a human being. Oh, you're a human being.

I feel that I deserve respect.

You deserve a brain. At least I have a brain.

Oh, no, you don't have a brain.

You have nose hairs. Look.

What did you just do? What was that?

Oh, see, when you have a cat,

that's how you get him to stop misbehaving.

You just spritz him with some water.

Well you can't do that to us.

We're not cats. Yeah, just put your little

bottle down.

Spencer, dinnertime.

You guys staying for dinner?

Yeah. I got no place to go.

I'm here. Ooh, one sec.

So what's for dinner?

We're having my special spaghetti.

Yay. Yeah.

Nice-looking meatballs.

Hey, your guys' web show was pretty awesome tonight.

I loved how you zoomed in on Lewbert's big old wart.

I wonder what would happen if you squeezed that thing?

You think some kind of Lewberty goo would squirt out of it?

I just wish I could get more people watching the show.

The same number of people watched "iCarly" this week

as last week. That's the problem.

Our show is getting better and better.

So more people should be watching it.

Why do you guys care how many people are watching?

Why do we care?

You're an artist. When you create

a new sculpture, do you want 2 people

to see it or do you want 2 million people to see it?

2 million.

So... ideas?

Yeah, your spaghetti could use more garlic.

I think Carly's spaghetti is great.

Then why don't you put some down your pants?

Because maybe I don't want to put pasta down my pants.

Maybe if you tried...

All right, look.

We all know that making a good show is important.

And so is getting more people to watch.

So what if we each come up with a cool way

to get more people to watch...

Yeah. And then we show our ideas

to the "iCarly" audience?

And we let them vote on who came up with the best idea?

Right, like a contest.

That way we do a good show and get more viewers.

I'm on Carly's team. Whoa, teams? She said each.

And why do you get to be on Carly's team?

Because "each" sounds like a lot of work.

Relax, buddy. I'll be on your team.

Seriously? Yeah, I've got time.

You're not still dating that girl?

No, she only liked me for my socks.

That's weird. Is it?

Well, okay, then. We're partners.

Partners.

Perfect. So it's me and Sam versus Freddie and Spencer.

Team with the best idea to get more viewers wins.

Okay, but I think the team

that loses should have some penalty.

Hasn't life already penalized you enough?

That's for being mean. It was worth it.

All right, come on.

What should the losers have to do?

I'm going to say losing team

has to touch Lewbert's wart.

Yeah!

I mean, uh...

♪ ♪

Hey, Freddie.

Ow. Man.

What are you doing?

Bleeding. Why are you here?

We are going to win the contest.

I came up with an insanely awesome way

to get more people watching your guys' webcasts.

Tell me.

We get a bunch of fireworks, right,

and not the lightweight consumer-grade stuff.

I'm talking Fourth of July razzle dazzle.

Razzle dazzle? Yes, both.

Then at night, we launch the fireworks

off the roof of our building, and they explode,

spelling out "iCarly.com" in the sky.

Can we really do that? No.

So I came up with something else, a sign.

A sign? A big sign,

one that lights up all different colors

and says, "Please go online to iCarly.com."

Yeah, yeah, that's good.

And we should hang it some place like...

like over a really busy highway.

Thousands of people will see it when they drive by.

You are a tiny genius.

Well, well,

look what the janitor swept up, Spencer Shay.

I thought I'd seen the last of you eight years ago

when you graduated, but sadly you're back.

Nice to see you, Ms. Briggs.

Or now that I'm older, may I call you Margaret?

You may not. Why?

My name is Francine.

Now, get out before I give you detention.

I'm 26; you can't give me detention.

Then I give you detention. One week.

What? You don't scare him.

Yes, she does. Get out.

No. Two weeks detention.

Dude, get out of here.

No, no, no, no, no. wait.

I'm not letting this lady...

Mr. Shay, you have 30 seconds to leave or else

Freddie gets expelled.

Go!

♪ ♪

I got it. I got it.

You thought of an idea for the contest?

No. You remember at lunch

that piece of corn that got stuck in my teeth?

No. Well, here it is.

And thank you for flicking your used corn onto my floor.

Now give me that. You've got to help me think of an idea.

All right. Right after we watch "Seattle Beat."

No Please?

No, we're not watching... Oh, come on.

We're watching "Seattle Beat." No, we're not watching.

I'm not gonna let you. We're not watching the show.

Come on. Let me watch... Okay, fine.

Yay.

Okay, you may like the old drummer better,

but I still say they're the best band

happening in Seattle today.

And to prove it, you're going to see them right here

on "Seattle Beat" live

coming up in less than a half hour.

Is that cool?

Whoo.

And how about you people

outside the "Seattle Beat" window?

I got it. I know we're going to get

a ton more people to watch our webcast.

Does it involve dental floss? No, why?

I think that piece of corn had a friend.

Listen, you see those people

outside the window on "Seattle Beat"?

Yeah. You and I are going

to make a big banner.

I enjoy big banners.

And we're going to take it down to "Seattle Beat"

and hold it up right in front of that window

for this whole city to see.

That's brilliant. Everybody watches "Seattle Beat."

Uh-huh. Well, say thank you.

Why? I thought of it.

Yeah, but I thought of watching TV.

Let's just go make the banner.

All right. Let's a banner it up.

Okay, okay, I'm coming, I'm coming.

I'm going upstairs. I'm hurrying.

I'm hurrying. I'm hurrying. I'm going.

Oh, hey...

♪ ♪

Hurry, it's about to rain. I'm right behind you.

And it's already raining. Come on.

Pardon me, I'm really sorry. Oh, step aside here.

Very sorry, I'm sorry about that.

We're from the internet, and we just need to get through

right now, so just move. Yeah.

Hold it up high.

Let's spread the word, baby.

Move. We're from the internet.

Get ready, Seattle.

♪ ♪

♪ Spin, spin, spin around ♪

♪ Spin, spin, spin around ♪

♪ Spin around ♪

♪ Spin, spin, spin around ♪

♪ Spin, spin around ♪

♪ Spin, spin around, spin, spin around ♪

♪ Spin, spin, spin around ♪

And if you like what you just heard,

you can catch that band live at the Showbox next weekend.

That sign is messed up.

Aww.

We're going to have to touch Lewbert's wart.

♪ ♪

Okay, I've got the brown wire attached.

Let's see if we've got a hot circuit.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Why no... seven times?

Because you're a child, and this is high-voltage stuff.

And you're not even wearing safety goggles.

See, you got to be extra careful when you're...

Yeow! Ahh!

Ahhhh!

Ahh-ahh!

That is why we wear safety goggles.

Hey.

Do I smell barbecue?

No, that's my burning flesh.

What's that? Soggy banner.

Our plan to get more viewers didn't go too well.

Yeah, like how the "Titanic" staying afloat

didn't go too well. Oh, come on.

Maybe a few people read our sign... before the rain

ruined all our hard work and made us sad.

Yeah, we could still win. Yeah, I don't think so.

I think me and Spencer are going to win and you two

are going to have to touch Lewbert's wart.

I feel bad for you, Carly. Not for you.

Sore loser. You haven't won yet.

What are you guys planning to do?

Oh, you'll find out.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a contest to win.

No offense, Carly.

Come on. Let's go dry off.

Remember, "iCarly" goes live in three hours.

We'll be ready. To win.

Still no offense, Carly.

All right, kid, help me get this puppy down to the lobby.

Okay, but then I've got to come back up here

and help get ready for the show.

I understand.

Who's that?

It's my buddy with the truck. Are you downstairs?

Okay, we'll bring it downstairs,

and then me and you can load it on the back of the truck.

Okay, down in five.

Now, let's get this sign on the road.

Freddie?

Yo, Freddo?

Help me.

♪ ♪

Okay, on our last webcast,

Sam and I told you to go to iCarly.com

and click that feedback button.

And man, you people clicked on that sucker

like it was your job.

So first we want to say thanks.

Thanks.

And second, we want to show you a video clip sent in

by three "iCarly" viewers from Denver, Colorado.

Freddie, play that clip.

Some people might say please.

Yeah, I didn't.

Playback.

Hey, Carly and Sam. We love your guys' web show.

We love it. Yeah.

Okay, we've got an important question for you.

Can you drink spaghetti and meatballs?

Spaghetti... Spaghetti and meatballs.

Okay, we have no idea why

that guy in the middle was wearing a bunny suit.

But it did get our attention. And so to the question,

can you drink spaghetti and meatballs?

We gonna to find out. Okay, we invited

the little boy who lives two floors down

to come up here and be our little tester.

So get out here, Emmett. Yeah!

This is Emmett. He doesn't talk much.

Isn't that right?

See?

Luckily, Emmett will eat or drink anything.

Seriously. One time Sam dropped a quarter, Emmett ate it.

I got it back three days later.

Okay, Emmett, we want to know,

can you drink spaghetti and meatballs?

So first, we take this spaghetti.

And the meatballs. You've got to love spherical meat.

We put it in the blender. There we go.

Ready? And we press "frappe."

Ya ready, kid?

Go for it.

And there you have it.

You can drink spaghetti and meatballs.

Now get out of here, Emmett. You creep me out.

Yes, you can have the rest.

Okay, now we're going to do something

we've never done before.

Tell us what it is, Carly.

We thought it'd be fun to have a contest.

Me and Carly against our technical producer Freddie...

Who teamed up with my older brother Spencer...

To see which team could come up with the best idea

to get more people to watch "iCarly."

Sadly, our plan didn't go too great.

Check it out.

And if you like what you just heard,

you can catch that band at the Showbox next weekend.

So be sure...

That sign is messed up.

Aww.

Okay, obviously that sign

won't be getting us any more viewers.

Our project failed...

Aww.

But luckily, we weren't the only ones

with a plan this week.

So let's go to my brother Spencer live on a remote camera

to tell us about his and Freddie's idea.

Okay, going to Spencer live.

Hey, Spencer. How's it going out there?

What's up, Spence? Spencer?

Hello, are you there? Put the taco down.

Can he hear us?

Yeah, he should be able to. Oh, try now.

Hey, Spencer! Ahh!

Hey, Carly, Sam.

You guys owe me half a taco.

Yeah, so tell us what you're planning to do out there.

Well, I'm currently standing by the interstate

near the Lumpford on-ramp in downtown Seattle.

And as you can see, there are literally many cars.

Ooh, I'll show you.

Literally many cars passing by every minute,

which makes this the perfect place

to hang a gigantic, luminescent sign

like this.

Behold the sign.

Are you beholding it?

Oh, we're beholding it. And since we're good sports,

I have to say that sign does deserve a...

Good job, Spencer. You too, Freddie.

Thank you, Carly. In your face, Sam.

Carly, Sam, you cannot understand

how awesome this sign looks from out here.

It is so dazzlingly bright.

I swear it's like...

What's going on out there, Spencer?

Well, it seems our sign is so bright and dazzling,

it distracted one of the drivers below.

Actually, two of the drivers...

three of the dri...

Literally many of the drivers below are being distracted

by our extremely dazzling sign.

Quick, turn it off. Turn it off.

Okay, I will now turn off the sign.

That's not off.

Spencer. Dude.

Oh, man. I am pressing the buttons...

Literally all of them...

Trying to turn off the sign.

You're going to overload the circuits.

Pee on Carl?

Turn that off. I am trying.

It's the stupid cars! Don't look at the sign!

Stop beholding the...

I stepped on my taco!

Wait, wait, and read this one.

Unbelievable. Insane.

I know. Can you believe this?

I said, unbelievable. Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you said you were doofy and annoying.

All right, one more comment like that...

Try not to kill each other while I get the door.

He belong to you?

Yes, sir. He's my brother.

Thank you, officer. Do you have any lotion?

No.

I'm letting you off with the warning.

But the next time you cause one of the worst traffic jams

in Seattle history, you will get arrested.

I think that sounds fair. What were you thinking,

putting up a sign telling people to pee on Carl?

It was a terrible mistake, Officer... Carl.

Well, that...

And just so you know, I did have lotion.

Cucumber melon.

That was weird. Yeah, that was...

Yep, that was not right. Yeah.

Anyway, I'm sorry I kind of ruined your webcast tonight.

You didn't. Come here.

What?

We were just reading the comment boards.

Listen to this one.

"The spaghetti in the blender made me LOL,

but I swear when your brother's banner

said 'Pee on Carl, ' I almost peed myself."

Now read the one below it about "Seattle Beat."

Oh, yeah. Here.

"Carly, loved seeing you and Sam on 'Seattle Beat.'

Sorry about the web banner, but that was hilarious.

I'm going to forward that clip to every kid in my school.

Rock on, 'iCarly.'"

Sweet. How many comments like that?

Tons. People are linking to us...

Telling their friends. Okay, so wait, wait, wait.

We all failed miserably trying to get you guys

more viewers for "iCarly,"

and yet it is precisely those miserable failures

that are getting you guys more viewers for "iCarly."

Right. That's it.

Insanity. Oh, hey,

we almost forgot the best part.

Yeah? What?

Since all of us pretty much lost the contest,

none of us have to touch Lewbert's wart.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

Well, then I say let's go get us

some low-fat cheeseless vegetarian pizza.

Yeah! Whoo!

And some cucumber melon lotion?

Please.

Hey guys, I love "iCarly."

Now watch me pick my nose with my toes.

Ta-da!

Mmm.