Original subtitles

Spencer, would you get that?

It's open.

What are you doing?

Fencing with my robot.

You beating him? Not yet.

But he's scared.

Wanna see me take him down?

Nah, I'm gonna go swallow some of your food.

Ha! Ah!

Hey, Freddie wants us upstairs

so he can check the lighting before the show.

Before I can even think about "iCarly,"

what is this slop?

That slop is veggie pudding.

My cousins are coming this weekend,

so I have to make stuff they can eat.

The Dorfmans are coming here?

This weekend? Yes.

I've told you three times.

Awww.

What? You hate your cousins?

I didn't say I hate them, but, yes.

Well, what's wrong with them?

Besides their last name being Dorfman?

And they're just all dorky and goofy and weird

and have allergies and sing songs.

And they stop by here every year

when they take their dumb family road trip

to the Fresno raisin parade.

How come I never met them?

'Cause I like you.

Let's go! Coming.

"ICarly" time.

Aha.

What makes you waifs

think you can pass Spencer the fencer?

Wait... don't.

Have a good show.

In five, four, three, two...

♪ I know, you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ Live life, breathe air ♪

♪ I know somehow we gonna get there ♪

♪ And feel so wonderful ♪

♪ It's all for real ♪

♪ I'm telling you just how I feel ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give your best and leave the rest to me ♪

♪ Leave it all to me ♪

♪ Leave it all to me ♪

♪ Just leave it all to me ♪

Okay, and now for another first on "iCarly."

Sam, you got a mouth full of little watermelon seeds?

Uh-huh.

Watch this, people.

Go.

She spits. She scores.

Till next time.

Keep checking us out right here at iCarly.com.

Not iSnarly.

ISnarly is just a web site of a snarling dog.

Not so good. See you.

Bye.

And we're out.

Whoo.

Okay, people, let's go celebrate.

Whoa, you are not going out.

Why not?

'Cause you only have a week left

to read your book for school,

and you haven't even started yet.

Sam? Read a book?

I can read a book.

Name three books you've read.

"Boogie Bear," "Boogie Bear II" and "Boogie Bear III,

the Return of Boogie Bear."

Oh, my God, Sam, you never read a real book?

I've been busy.

She couldn't read a book If she tried.

Says you.

Wanna bet? No.

Sure. Oh.

I'll bet you I can read "The Penny Treasure"

by the end of the week.

Don't bet. It's a bet.

And they bet.

And shall we bet the yoozh?

Don't bet the yoozh. The yoozh it is.

They bet the yoozh.

If we go, you promise you'll start reading

as soon as you get home?

Yes, mother.

You coming? Sure, where?

Glitter Gloss? Ah.

What's Glitter Gloss?

It's the most boring, girliest store ever.

Well, next to Build-a-Bra.

Oh, let's go there too. Yeah.

I hear they got new glow-in-the-dark straps.

And titanium hooks.

Ah.

You coming or what? No.

Good. Later.

Man, I cannot keep hanging out with girls all the time.

You wanna come hang with me at the fencing studio?

Is it fun? Like, what goes on?

Just a bunch of guys with swords,

Swinging them around and fighting,

your basic dude fun.

No gloss. No bras?

Just bros. Let's go.

Alright.

Good work. Nice lunging.

Let's all take a break.

Well, what'd you think? It's pretty cool.

Can I try?

You think it'd be okay with your mom?

No. Let's do it.

Okay, now, the goal is to land a touch,

on your opponent like this.

Got it. En garde!

Oh, gosh.

Like that? Yeah.

This is your first time fencing?

Uh-huh. Wow.

And you're already better than me.

Jerk. What?

Kidding, you sensitive little beast.

Come on, let's go some more.

En garde! Oh, gosh.

Hey, Spencer, you finally find someone you can beat?

What's it to you, Toder?

Who's he? Toder.

Just a rotten teenager who thinks he's all bad,

cause he's good at fencing.

How many times have you and me fenced?

Oh, I don't know, like 30?

And how many times have you lost?

I don't know, like 30.

Yeah well I'd like to see you beat my man Freddie here.

Him?

That kid couldn't even beat my boys Tripp and Cleeshay.

Yeah, he couldn't even beat us.

I got this.

Talk's cheap, Toder.

Spencer. Is this a challenge?

Cleeshay, did he just Challenge me?

I think he just did.

Friday night, eight o'clock.

Bring your saber.

Come on, guys, let's go get some French toast.

Dude, why you do that?

I don't know how to fence.

Yeah, but I hate that Doug Toder.

Hey, Spencer.

You guys!

One second.

Yeah.

You genius.

Come in.

That's a foul.

So is your social life.

What's up, Carly girl?

I'm making dinner.

Oh, mama came at the right time.

So what you got for me to taste?

You'd hate everything.

This is food for my cousins.

Ah, the Dorfmans.

You know how hard it is making dinner for six,

without meat, lactose, sugar, sodium, fat or gluten?

How hard? Quite.

And don't take this the wrong way,

but why are you here?

Because I need some place quiet

to get cracking on this book.

How come you can't read at your house?

Ah, 'cause my mom keeps screaming at the cat

to get a job.

Yeah, I don't know.

Hey, Carly, Freddie and I are gonna head over

to the fencing studio.

No, you have to stay

and help me get ready for the Dorfmans.

I'll be back in time to help.

He's got to get me ready to take on Doug Toder.

But you have to help me set the table to make sure...

Uh, sorry, can't hear you.

You're breaking up.

We are not talking on cell phone.

Bye. Later kiddo.

Boom, you're it!

Ah!

Wow, man.

You are good.

You got me like 20 times in a row.

Twenty-two, but who is counting... I am!

Alright, kid. Don't get cocky yet.

You're good, but you're not Doug Toder good.

Aww, can Toder do this?

Yes.

Better practice some more. Ha!

En garde!

Ha-ha-ha!

Okay.

Come check out this clip some kid sent in "iCarly."

This is insane.

You wanna know what's insaner?

The Dorfmans are gonna be here any second,

Spencer's not back yet?

Did you try calling him? No, Sam.

I'm just keeping my cell phone warm here

between my cheek and my shoulder.

He's not answering.

Well, maybe something important came up.

Stop. Seriously.

Okay. Stop.

If he was doing something important,

then why didn't he just call me?

And...

The Dorfmans. Ew.

I'll be upstairs reading.

No.

Stay here and have dinner with us.

You said they're a bunch of dorks...

Sam. Okay.

Yay.

I'm not eating any of that jank food you made.

Hello, Carly.

Hi. Hello.

This is my friend Sam.

Sam, this is my uncle Barry, my aunt Tess, and my cousins,

Ozlottis and Faye.

Uh, what's that thing around his neck?

Oh, Ozlottis has a scab on his chin.

The cone keeps him from picking at it.

I'm out.

Be right back.

You said you'd have dinner with us.

Yes.

And then I met them.

Come on, Spencer's not back yet,

and I don't think I can make it through an evening alone

with the Dorfmans.

Oh, how bad can it be?

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily Merrily, merrily ♪

♪ Life is but a dream merrily down the stream ♪

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

Duck.

Duck.

Duck. Duck.

Goose!

Carly, now you have to chase Faye.

Okay.

Come here, Faye.

Hi.

Sorry, I am late.

Hello, Spencer. Me too.

Spencer. Hi.

We missed you at dinner.

Listen, I feel really bad about being late,

but I was helping Carly's friend, Freddie,

with his fencing.

But I'm here now. Yeah, not good enough.

Whoa! The Dorfmans gotta hit the road.

Yes, we have a long drive to Fresno.

Right, for the raisin parade.

We haven't missed the raisin parade in 12 years.

Ozlottis has a scab on his chin.

Okay. Come on, family.

Bye, Spencer. Bye.

Bye, Carly. Bye, Spencer.

We will see you next time.

It's nature's fruit.

You're mad at me. Yep.

Look, I'm sorry.

But the time just got away from me.

Well, I wish the time had gotten away from me,

but no.

I got to spend the last two hours

on planet Dorfman.

You have every right to be mad. Clearly.

See, Freddie's got to fence this really mean kid named, Doug Toder.

I don't wanna hear about Doug Toder.

But... Eh...

Carly... I said, "Eh."

Your fencing with Freddie days are over.

But... No more fencing with Freddie.

Okay.

And since I made you suffer through...

I did suffer.

I'll help you clean up the kitchen.

No.

You'll go in there and you'll clean up the kitchen yourself.

Okay.

Hm.

Sam, you can come back downstairs now.

The Dorfmans left so... Shh.

You're actually reading your book.

Sure am.

I am impressed.

Who's the dude?

David.

I hired him read the book to me.

Then why is he rubbing your feet.

'Cause he was late.

So I started reading the book myself

and it is fantastic.

These things are great. It's like TV in your head.

Well, I'm happy you like reading.

But I still didn't get why David's rubbing your feet.

I already paid the kid. I had to make him do something.

Please call my mother.

Harder.

Well, I guess this is it, Senor saber.

I will never thrust you again.

It's open.

What's up, Spence? Nothing.

Come on.

I just had a nap, drank two cans of peppy cola,

and now I am ready for action.

I can't.

Why not?

Carly got mad at me

for missing dinner with the Dorfmans.

Now I' not allowed to fence anymore.

So you're just gonna let your little sister

tell you what to do?

Oh, come on. Don't go getting...

What was that?

I sliced your banana.

What are you gonna do about it, huh?

I'll show you what I'm gonna do.

En garde!

Give me it.

Oh!

You promised me no more fencing.

He sliced my banana.

Anyway, you can't stop us from fencing.

Oh, can't I.

Where is she going? I don't know.

Either of you guys got any lotion?

Sorry, buddy. Nope.

Who's that? No idea.

He what?

My mom. Oh, my God.

How dare you teach Freddie

something as dangerous as fencing?

Mom, you don't know anything about fencing.

It's not dangerous.

I know more about fencing than you think.

You're coming home with me right now

and having a tick bath.

I don't have ticks.

'Cause the tick baths are working, aren't they?

Ha-ha. Tick bath. I should give you one.

Hey, Sam.

We found a tub of old mayonnaise

in the dumpster by the cafeteria.

We're gonna fill these balloons with it

and throw it at Ms. Briggs' car.

Come on.

Shh.

Reading.

Make sure you get her windshield.

Hi. Hey.

Freddie.

I'm sorry about the tick bath.

I was just really mad at Spencer so I...

I am not upset about the tick bath.

I get those every other week.

It's just...

Well, I do "iCarly" with you and Sam all the time,

and I love it.

But it was just kinda cool

hanging' out with a guy, you know?

Now you hate me.

Carly, come on.

You're like my best friend.

Your best friend that you hate.

I am not bad I promise.

Maybe we'll go get a smoothie later, okay?

Okay.

Hey, Sam.

Does your mom drive you on pickup truck?

Yeah. It's on fire.

Shh. Reading.

Absolutely not. But if I hadn't told you, you never would've even known.

I will not allow Freddie to fence.

But it's not dangerous.

Ha! Come on.

Freddie needs some guy time.

And he and Spencer get along very great,

so I think you should let him...

What's going' on? Nothing.

Go home and check yourself for ticks.

I'm trying to talk your Mom into letting you fence.

No. Why not?

I'm really good at it.

Don't you ever say that again?

We're going home right now. No!

Fredward Benson!

Give me one good reason

why I shouldn't be allowed to fence.

The Fencin' Bensons.

The Fencin' Bensons?

Sit down, Freddie.

I never wanted you to know.

What?

Your great grandfather, long before you were born,

He led a troop called the Fencin' Bensons.

They performed

with the Tingling Brothers Circus.

It was him, his brother, and their seven cousins.

They were gifted fencers, wildly popular.

The Tingling Brothers?

Yes.

Your great grandfather was a master at fencing.

But he became obsessed with it.

He forced my father to fence.

And later, my father made me.

Fencing's in our blood, Freddie.

And I never wanted you to become obsessed

like our ancestors.

Ah, come on.

It's true. Right.

You know, my great grandfather was a magic penguin.

His name was Pingo.

Mom, not letting me fence is bad enough.

I can't believe you'd make up such an insane lie.

I will not stand here

and be called a liar by my own son,

or you, sassy pants.

Mom, you let me fence

against Doug Toder tonight or else...

Or else what.

I'll never make another puzzle with you again.

Freddie.

I mean it, Mom.

What's in that first aid kit, an ambulance?

Just everything I need in case Freddie gets hurt.

He will be fine. You better hope so, Missy.

Well.

You boys ready? Yes, sir.

You're going down, Fredward.

Ready.

Fence.

Point, Benson.

Alright, Fredo.

Brilliant, Freddie. Kick his butt, Freddie.

I can't believe it. Yeah?

Well, believe it punk.

Ready.

Fence.

Point Benson!

Whoo! Insanity.

Way to poke his chest, Freddie.

Poke it again!

One more point Benson wins.

What are you doing, Toder?

You're losing' it, man.

I know what I'm doing.

Ready.

Fence.

What? Foul. Come on.

Out of my way.

You want a piece of me, Toder?

Ah! Hey, help me.

Somebody get her.

Yeah? Good luck.

Mom!

Run!

Who's the best now, Toder?

Go get him, Mom!

Alright! Yeah! Alright!

So that's him? Yup.

That's my great grandad.

I always had a feeling you came from circus people.

Come on. Let's go rehearse for "iCarly."

Let's do it. Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast there, circus boy.

Pay up.

Pay what up? I won the bet.

I read "The Penny Treasure" cover to cover.

Yay. Good for Sam. Let's go rehearse.

Wait.

I don't believe you.

Quiz me. Okay.

Who goes into the cave and what does he find?

Jarvis goes into the cave

and finds the key to tranquility,

four feet from Gideon's grave.

Pay up.

You bet the yoozh.

Let's do it, boy.

Give me.

I'll get the mop.

Okay, do you think you've seen everything new

there is to see at "iCarly"?

Is that what you think? Well.

You haven't. Nope. You ain't.

You can see new videos. New pics.

New blogs. New games.

New lunch meats.

There are no lunch meats at iCarly.com.

Can we fix that? Shh.

The point is you can see tons of new stuff.

Stuff you've never seen before.

All at iCarly.com. ICarly.com.

You think we've said iCarly.com enough?

Yeah. Wait, no.

Mmm!