Original subtitles

Okay, Freddie's never late for iCarly.

Are you worried?

If I wasn't worried, would I be drinking water

with this expression on my face?

Sorry.

I was watchin' this show on the tech channel

that was really...

Millions of people are signing on to iCarly.com right now,

so could you please pick up your pretty little camera

and count backwards from five?

Okay, in five, four, three, two...

Hi! Welcome to iCarly.

Hey!

Okay, tonight on iCarly,

we're gonna do one of our favorite segments.

One we like to call...

"Who's that weirdo in my neighborhood?"

You see, Freddie...

Our technical weenie...

Producer!

He mounts a secret little camera

right outside this building...

Then aims it at the bus stop across the street.

And this week, we found the biggest weirdo yet.

Go, Freddie.

Playback.

There he is, peeling a banana while he waits for the bus.

Now, you think he's gonna eat the banana, right?

Well, think again!

Yep, there he goes.

Chewin' the peel. What a freak.

And that's why the new champion of...

Who's that weirdo in my neighborhood is...

Crazy fruit dude.

Congratulations, crazy fruit dude.

And let's not forget to say a big thank you...

To a former champion

of who's that weirdo in my neighborhood...

Green haired old lady...

Who sucks on a baby pacifier.

In five, four, three, two...

♪ I know you see... ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ Live life, breathe air ♪

♪ I know somehow we're gonna get there ♪

♪ And feel so wonderful ♪

♪ It's all for real ♪

♪ I'm telling you just how I feel ♪

♪ So wake up, the members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance unless you take one ♪

♪ And it's time to see ♪

♪ The brighter side of every situation... ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best and leave the rest to me ♪

♪ Leave it all to me ♪

♪ Leave it all to me ♪

♪ Just leave it all to me ♪

Crack two eggs in a bowl.

"But only the eggs whites..."

Come here, you little yolks.

Hey, Spencer. What's up?

Hey, little sister and her two friends...

Who never seem to hang out at their own homes?

What's you cooking there, handsome?

Everything.

My friend Socko's having a birthday party Next week,

and I'm in charge of all things food and all food gash."

[doorbell chimes] I'll get it.

Freddie, hold these egg yolks.

But... no, no, wait!

Hi. Hi.

I'm detective Tragg, Seattle police department.

Freddie, take my backpack.

Uh, what can I do for ya?

I'd like to talk with the kids.

You can't prove anything!

Relax.

You guys aren't in any kind of trouble, okay?

My daughter's a big fan of your webshow, iCarly.

Oh!

I was watching the show with her last night,

And we noticed a man,

a suspect we've been trying to catch.

Crazy fruit dude?

No, we're actually after a guy

who walked behind Crazy fruit dude...

Into that convenience store across the street.

You guys record all of your web shows?

Yeah. Everything's archived.

Do you want me to bring you and mpeg of it?

What's an mpeg? It's a computer video file.

Yeah.

Mpeg stands for

"mega-pixel electronic gallery."

Wrong!

Mpeg stands for "moving picture experts group."

"Mega-pixel electronic gallery."

Moving picture experts group."

Can't we just say mpeg stands for

"most pimples enjoy gravy"

and move on?

May I look out your window?

I was hoping you'd ask.

Sorry, but I'm right.

Sam, stop it. You wanna bet?

No, she doesn't. Yeah, I wanna bet.

How come I can hear me?

Okay, it's a bet.

And...

loser has to get a tattoo of the winner's face.

Oh, you're on!

But you're gonna be pretty upset

When you have to get a tattoo of my face on you.

You're right. I lost.

And now, my face will forever become a part of your skin.

Yeah, this window has a good view

of that convenience store.

You know, my partner and I would like to set up

a stakeout Here for a few days.

Oh, iCarly helps catch a criminal.

Uh, sure.

Who are you guys trying to catch?

The clerk in that convenience store.

We have knowledge that he's selling pirated DVDs

Illegal copies of hit movies.

Tragg! This is Stimbler!

Which apartment is it?

Hey, Stu, I'm in 8-c.

My partner.

Wait, wait.

Your partner's name is Stu Stimbler?

Detective Stuart Stimbler. I'll go get him.

Oh!

Oh, no.

What's wrong?

I went to sleep-away camp with a kid named Stu Stimbler.

He was the meanest,

most obnoxious bully in my whole cabin.

His nickname was "spanky."

Well, it's probably not the same guy.

Yeah.

What are the odds that it would be...

Oh! Spencer!

Oh, no!

It's me, Spanky Stimbler!

I see you! Ha!

Why do they call him Spanky?

I'll show you why.

No. No, no, no, no! Spence!

Come on! No!

Quit it! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Thanks for asking!

Okay, I don't see any criminal activity,

But I do see a jogger

who really should be wearing a bra.

Poor guy.

"Moving picture experts group"!

Do you really think

Sam's gonna make me get a tattoo of her face?

I don't know, but if she does, won't your mom freak?

She freaked when I spilled one tiny drop of mustard

On my church pants.

What? "Church pants."

What up, party people?

Say hello to my cousin, Annie.

Hi.

I thought you said she was in jail.

Oh, parole, baby.

Ready, Freddie?

Ready for what?

Annie's a tattoo artist.

You made a bet and you lost.

Right, Carly?

I want no part of this.

I'm just gonna watch the bouncy jogger man.

Sam, please!

I'll do anything else.

The deal was you get a tattoo.

I know, but... Sit.

Sam!

Quit whining, kid. Getting a tattoo ain't so bad.

It's not? No.

It just hurts a lot and lasts forever.

Oh, my God!

Now he's doing jumping jacks!

Oh!

Please, don't spank me with my own cucumber!

You...

Oh!

Tragg, they got peppy-cola!

Those are Carly's. You shouldn't take...

Hey, yo, grab me one, would you?

Sam, in tattoo form!

So awful.

How are you hiding that from your mom?

It's not easy. Yeah.

Doesn't she still give you

those bi-weekly Body inspections?

No!

I told her I was too old for those a long time ago.

Yesterday? Maybe.

Hey.

I had a pork pot pie in your fridge

from last weekend

And one of those cops downstairs ate it.

Well, they drank my peppy-cola.

They did? Do I seem peppy?

Not really. Well.

How much longer Are they gonna be here?

It's been like days. I know.

They haven't gotten any good evidence

on the guy They thinks' selling those pirated DVDs.

Okay, guys, 10 seconds.

Showtime, kid.

In five, four, three, two...

Hello. You've reached iCarly.com

If you're looking for comedy...

Press one.

If you're looking for my pork pot pie

A cop ate it!

Okay.

Now, if you've ever wondered

what the human brain smells like...

Um...

What are you guys doing?

We got suspicious activity across the street.

The view from the downstairs window

got blocked by a truck.

Okay, iCarly fans,

This may look like we're Trying to do a comedy...

Shut that camera down!

We got a police investigation going on here.

Turn that off. Yeah?

Well, maybe you should shut your investigation down.

We got a web show here. Not right now, you don't.

Turn off the camera. No, no, no, no, no!

Somebody call a congressman!

I am starving! Hey!

Turn that off!

Stupid cops,

not cleaning up after themselves,

Interrupting our web show, Making me grumble to myself.

Some people just have no manners.

Any idea when the cops are gonna arrest that guy

and leave?

No, but it better be soon, Cause I've had it.

You think you've had it? Yes, I know I've had it.

Me, too!

I thought I was rid Of that jerky Stu Stimbler years ago.

He ruined camp for me!

Do you know what it's like

To be harassed every day by some kid?

Where are those cops anyway?

They've been upstairs all day.

Whoa, Spencer.

Did you make this cake? Yeah.

It's for Socko.

See, since he owns his own sock company,

I made his birthday cake in the shape of a sock.

This is incredible.

How'd you do this?

I just combined my sculpting skills

with my cakery skills,

And, boom, sock cake. Shall we applaud?

May I come in?

Whoops, already in.

Freddie, come on. It's time for our class.

Spencer, you have a stain on your shirt.

Go put on a fresh one.

But you're not my mother. Mm!

I'll put on a clean shirt.

Man, I totally forgot. What?

My mom signed us up

for mother-son synchronized swimming classes.

Stop laughing!

When I take off my shirt to get in the pool,

She's gonna see my tattoo.

I'm dead.

Freddie?

Mom, I don't have a swimsuit.

Which is why I just stopped at mall-mart

And bought you this.

Look, mom... Let's go.

Have fun.

Swimming simultaneously.

Dad, I'm bored!

What am I supposed to do?

You think I'm irritating!

I have never said that out loud.

Uh, why do you guys have a child with you?

That's his son.

This bottle's empty.

His nanny had a nervous breakdown.

Go in the kitchen

and get yourself a can of peppy-cola.

Did you buy more? Yes.

Okay, go. Yeah, go ahead.

Okay... oh, boy!

So have you geniuses gotten your evidence yet?

You know, so you can leave?

Not yet.

This stakeout could take two or three more weeks.

What? Weeks?

Why can't you just go across the street

and arrest the guy right now?

Cause we don't have proof yet

that he's selling the illegal DVDs.

Hey, did Mrs. Benson leave?

Yeah.

Why'd she tell me to go put on a new...

Spencer.

You ate my sock cake.

What's this big spoon for?

You ate my sock cake.

Why would you eat my sock cake? I don't even Know who you are.

How could you... oh!

You're out of peppy-cola.

Okay, you're not gonna believe this.

Those cops have gone too far.

Spanky let his obnoxious kid

Use my pear-pod without asking me.

No way. Yes.

He erased half my songs

And left it covered in little boy spit.

Hey, Freddie.

What happened in your synchronized swimming class?

Did your mom see your tattoo? No.

I kept my shirt on the whole time.

I told her I was afraid of getting a cloud burn.

"Cloud burn," good one. Yeah.

Till she drove me to seven different drugstores

Looking for cloud block.

You guys, help me get rid of those annoying cops.

Why's it taking so long?

They say they need solid evidence

that the guy's Selling pirated DVDs.

I bet we could get evidence

quicker than those doof-butt cops.

Yeah.

How hard can it be to catch a guy?

Selling pirated DVDs?

We go into the store undercover and get the evidence ourselves.

Wait, what if the guy's dangerous?

Half my family's dangerous.

So?

Freddie! Freddie!

Mom, what are you doing here?

I found cloud block.

I never went undercover before.

What are you supposed to wear?

I don't know.

Freddie's wearing a robot costume.

I'm gonna wear a shirt to hide all this.

The idea is just to look normal and blend in.

What is all that stuff?

Well, these are microphones,

This is the laptop that'll record it all,

And these things are wireless receivers

that'll pick up The signal

from the cameras you two'll be wearing.

What cameras?

I brought the cap-cam and the eyeglass-cam.

Better. Way.

There.

How do I look?

Chunky and lumpy.

Ha, just like my aunt Judy before she got that operation.

Well... oh, This could be our guy!

Yeah, look, he's got the bag.

I see the bag! You think that's our guy?

That is definitely our guy.

You got the illegal DVD guy?

No, the pizza guy.

We ordered one a half-hour ago.

Hope you don't mind, man. We used your credit card.

No.

That's good news.

Oh, hey,

I think somebody Dropped a contact lens Right there.

Where? Right over here?

Right there.

Spanky strikes again!

Yeah, he does!

Hey, we're gonna go out for a little bit.

Okay.

So what's with the, Uh...

Bless you.

I didn't sneeze.

Hey, you're remaking Socko's cake.

Yeah.

So far, it's coming out All right.

What about that horrible little boy?

Oh, I worked that out with his dad.

He's over there In a large plastic tube.

Nice.

So where you guys going?

Uh, we're just gonna run out and get some, uh...

Stuff.

Oh, uh, I need some stuff.

Yeah, not that kind of stuff. Bye.

Bye. Have fun.

You're dumb!

Wow, this store is so convenient.

Can I help you?

Well, you know that movie, Scarlett's web?

The spider thing?

Yeah, I love that movie,

but it's really expensive To buy

at well-known retail stores.

So?

Do you, by any chance,

know where a girl might find A cheaper copy?

Hmm?

No.

Oh. Okay, then.

Now what?

Uh, let me try.

Just keep your cameras pointed at me.

Yo, bro,

I'm looking for a little cheap entertainment.

Hook me up?

Hook you up with what?

Some cheap entertainment.

Here's some cash.

All right.

♪ Camptown ladies sing your song ♪

♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪

♪ Yank my toe till its five miles long ♪

♪ Ooh-dey doo-dah day. ♪

Everybody!

♪ Yank my toe all night! ♪

Forget it!

So...

I hear You sell movies here, cheap.

Is that true or what?

Yeah, it's true.

So you do sell movies.

Sure.

Guess the word's getting around, huh?

Yeah, the word that you sell pirated movies, right?

Pirate.

Yeah, pirated, like illegal copies.

No, no, no, I sell pirate movies.

Movies about pirates.

I make them myself with my buddies.

This is the first one we ever made...

Shiver me booty.

And, uh...

Oh, we made this one last year.

It's called Pirates of the Lima bee-an.

And, uh,

this is our most recent release...

It's called

aaarrrg!

Aaarrrg?

That's a pirate word.

It means, hello, goodbye, Peace.

It's like shalom, only for pirates.

Interesting. Mm, yeah.

Well, you see, You learn something new every day.

Yes, today we learned the meaning of "arrgggg,"

And that the two cops in my apartment

are even bigger Morons than we thought.

Arrrggg!

Who wants to make a movie?

Walk the plank!

No!

Sing me a ditty!

No!

Dance!

Well, there's nothing illegal about bad acting.

I guess we should pack up our stuff.

I'll go pull our car around front.

Knock knock, enter, enter.

Oh, I didn't realize you had company.

Freddie, it's time for...

Fredward Benson!

You got a tattoo?

Uh...

We told him it was wrong.

"Fredward"?

Mom, I...

You come with me right now. Where?

To a doctor to have that blemish removed!

No!

Removing tattoos is extremely painful.

So is being the mother of a delinquent!

Mom, you're scaring me! You got a tattoo?

So, when are you gonna tell him it's a fake tattoo?

Aw, the doctor'll figure it out.

Your cousin faked it? Yep.

Temporary, but all the pain of a real tattoo.

Mean!

Come on.

Let's go upstairs

and start planning the next iCarly.

Aw, I don't wanna work.

Beef jerky. I'm coming.

So, pretty cool, you being a cop and all.

Thanks.

Got your own handcuffs and everything.

Oh, yeah.

You know, there's an easy trick to getting out of those.

What?

No, there's not. Yeah?

Want me to teach you?

You can try.

All right, come over here.

All right.

Now, the trick is to stay totally relaxed

Bend over this.

Sure, okay.

Now we just attach these to your wrist.

All right.

Oh, that's tight.

There. Wow.

All right, now, uh...

How do I get out?

Oh, you don't.

Oh, wait, what's going' on?

Payback, Spanky!

No! No!

Spencer, come on! Yeah!

Ow! Yeah!

Watch me spank your daddy!

Close your eyes! Don't look!

Hi, my name's Will,

and I want to show you my little friends.

Ahhhhhh! Ahhh!

Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh!

Ahhhhh!

Ahhhhh!

Ahhhhh!

Ahh! "iCarly" rules.