Original subtitles

Oh, class was so boring.

How would you know? You were asleep the whole time.

Then I guess I dreamed class was boring.

Well, your dream came true.

Hey! Guess what I got from the audio-visual department?

Whoa!

So cool! Amazing! Awesome! That's incredible!

We don't know what it is. No, and don't care.

It's called a green screen.

We can use it for special effects on iCarly.

You guys stand in front of it, and I have this software

that can make it any kind of background we want.

Oh, so you could make it look like we were in a snow storm

or standing on the moon or something?

Exactly.

Can you make it look like I'm standing on your face?

Must you always attack me with words?

You want me to use rocks?

Hey, guys!

Hi, Tareen. Oh, man.

You'll never guess who I saw

at the Cuddlefish concert last night.

Who'd you see at the concert?

Our history teacher, Mr. Stern. Look, I got a picture of him at the concert last night.

Look at it, look at the phone, Are you looking at it?

Yes, we see!

That's Mr. Stern?

Is he wearing shorts?

Teachers shouldn't wear shorts.

No.

It looks like he's stage diving.

He was! It was insane, I still can't believe it

and I'm the one who took the picture with my cell phone.

Can you believe Mr. Stern was at the concert?

I can't, I gotta go.

I like Tareen, but after she talks to me,

I feel like I need a nap.

I can't believe Mr. Stern would go to a concert.

Yeah, you don't really think about teachers

having lives outside of school.

I always thought they just locked them up

in the teacher's lounge at night.

Hey, get to class.

You, stop laughing.

I said get to class!

Respect the bullhorn!

That Ms. Briggs is a joy, isn't she?

I wonder what she does when she's not in school.

She probably spits on puppies.

Hey, you, get to class.

Hey, that could be a really cool idea

for our web show.

We spit on puppies?

I meant we could do a whole segment

on what mean teachers do when they're not in school.

Nice.

I love her brain.

My brain says thanks.

Come on! Keep going! Move!

So, how do we do this?

We follow Ms. Briggs around after school, you know,

with a video camera and just see what she does.

And what if she's boring?

Yeah, what if she's not mean?

Ms. Briggs,

I picked you an orange from my mother's tree.

I hate citrus fruit.

Now get to class!

I'm thinking she'll be mean.

In five, four, three, two...

♪ I know you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world Will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ Live life, breathe air ♪

♪ I know somehow We're gonna get there ♪

♪ And feel so wonderful ♪

♪ It's all for real ♪

♪ I'm telling you Just how I feel ♪

♪ So wake up the members Of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance Unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time To see the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best And leave the rest to me ♪

♪ Leave it all to me ♪

♪ Leave it all to me ♪

♪ Just leave it all to me ♪

OK,

inside this box is a new piece of technological equipment

that's gonna blow you guys away.

What is it?

You buy yourself a robot girlfriend?

I don't need a robot girlfriend,

'Cause 20 years from now, I guarantee you

I will be Carly's second husband.

What happened to my first husband?

Nothing you can prove.

Just show us what's in the box

before I get bored and leave.

There's nothing boring about

being able to videotape Ms. Briggs

with no chance of her finding out.

What did you get?

A teeny video camera disguised as a piece of pie.

Yeah, who wouldn't that fool?

It looks real.

Yes, a real gigantic piece of plastic pie

with a camera lens on the side.

Look, it comes with a giant fork.

Give it!

This is a quality piece of spy equipment.

My Aunt Maggie's boobs look more real than that,

and they're ridiculous.

I really don't think

you're going to fool anyone with that thing.

Oh, you don't?

Where's Spencer?

Downstairs with some girl he's been going out with.

B-R-B.

Come on, please? No.

Pretty please?

No, Spencer.

Pretty please with sugar on top?

I'm diabetic, and I said no.

I'll be your best buddy.

Oh, alright.

Yes.

That is...

Don't mind me.

I'm just a guy having' some pie.

Hey, is that one of those pie spy video cameras?

No, it is not.

Oh yeah, they were talking about those

on the food channel.

Or was it the spy channel?

You know, I think it was the spy channel.

I don't know what you guy are talking about.

This is just a normal piece of pie

that doesn't record anything.

But there's a big lens on the side.

Oh, just forget it!

Two hours of boring.

I think we've learned what mean teachers do

when they're not at school.

Yep, nothing interesting enough

to put in our webcast.

Nope.

Hey, hey. She's opening her door.

She's just taking out her trash.

Hey! Go away!

Get out of here! It's just a bee.

You don't understand,

I am extremely allergic to bees.

Get out of here, you stupid bee!

I think he wants my pie.

That is a stupid bee.

Whoa! Ow!

Where are you going? I can't get stung!

Are you insane?

Get out of Ms. Briggs' apartment.

You can't just... get away!

It's a fake pie!

Can't you see the big lens on the side?

It's a fake pie!

Come on! We can't stay in here.

If Ms. Briggs catches us, we're dead. Let's go!

No! That bee's still out there,

and by now he know my pie was fake.

He's gonna be madder than ever.

Here she comes!

Go in there! Aah!

Ah! Sorry!

Now what do we do? Shh, I'm thinking.

You know, this might not be so bad.

Just you and me, together, alone.

OK, we are in a serious situation here.

This is no time for you to bust a move.

Sorry.

We cannot let Ms. Briggs find us.

Well, maybe we can wait until she goes into another room

then we can make a run for it.

Maybe. now, shh.

What's she doing? You don't wanna know.

Hey, thanks for doing this.

No prob.

How come you're not hanging with Carly and Freddie?

A person can only take so much Freddie.

How come you didn't ask

your new girlfriend to model for you?

I broke up with Connie.

Found out she was juggling for other guys.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, it hurt.

So, how do I be a sculpture model?

You just sit over there and do nothing.

Cool, just like school.

Yes!

77...

78...

79.

So many leg lifts.

I think I found the light switch, shut the door!

Shh!

Freddie. Yeah?

Am I hallucinating

or are we surrounded by 2,000 Randy Jacksons?

Why does Ms. Briggs have all this stuff?

I don't know.

I guess if you're gonna be obsessed

with an American Idol judge,

you might as well pick one that's firm but fair.

Yeah dog, you did your thing.

You want Ms. Briggs to hear us?

Randy said it, not me!

She's coming! Hide!

No! That was hot, yo!

Aw, please be quiet, Randy Jackson.

Well, good afternoon, Randy Jackson.

Oh, you are looking spiffy today.

Now, is there something you'd like to say to me?

Yeah, we got us a hot one tonight, baby!

Oh!

Oh, R.J.

You know, I just finished my workout.

Would you like to see how toned my glutes are?

So this is seriously the first time

you've ever modeled for a sculpture?

First time. How am I doing?

Good.

Can I... sneak a peek?

Uh, yeah, sure. Why not?

Spencer? Mhm?

That's a fish.

Yeah. A tuna.

Or I suppose you could argue it's a trout

you know, 'cause of the way his lip curls up right here.

I thought you were sculpting me for the past three hours.

Well, I started off sculpting you,

but then I started thinking about aquariums

and... he happened.

Then why am I still here?

I get lonely.

What? Sam, listen!

Freddie and I are stuck hiding in the closet

in Ms. Briggs' apartment.

Really? That's some nutty stuff.

Will you just get over here?

On my way.

Sam's on her way.

And will you quit eating the Randy-Yos?

No way, she's torturing Carly and Freddie?

Freddie, you're so stupid.

Bagpipes?

Eww.

This is torture.

Sam? Yeah.

Where are you?

I'm right outside on the patio.

What's the plan, man? OK, you call Ms. Briggs

and keep her distracted on the phone

while Freddie and I sneak out the front door.

One distraction, coming up.

Give me 60 seconds, then go for the door.

See you on the outside.

Briggs.

Hello ma'am, have you purchased any suspicious milk lately?

Suspicious milk? Who is this?

Uh, this is Agent McMuffin

with the Federal Bureau of Milk.

The FBM?

Uh, sure.

See, there have been reports of counterfeit milk

and other dairy products in the Seattle area.

Oh, sweet mother.

I just bought a tub of Zingleberry yogurt yesterday.

It's OK, ma'am.

Just remain calm and proceed to your refrigerator.

Of course.

Moron.

It's been 60 seconds.

Let's make our move and get out of here.

Wait.

OK, ready.

What'd you put in your pocket?

Randy Jackson cologne?

Why do you want this?

'Cause... it smells tight, dawg.

The milk smells just fine to me.

Are you sure there's a dairy prob...

We're losing precious time!

I already checked my milk and the tub of yogurt.

Yeah, but... you better inspect

that cottage cheese on the top shelf.

Alright.

But I don't see why the...

How did you know my cottage cheese

was on the top shelf?

'Cause I'm a professional, ma'am.

Uh, don't go near your patio door.

There's a dairy monster on the loose

and you don't want to see...

Busted! Now, get inside!

But I can explain.

I'm sure you can.

I can. See, I'm doing this school project on...

On... how ladies react

when they think their dairy products...

Freddie!

Surprise! Surprise!

Yeah, happy birthday, Ms. Briggs!

Let's sing our public domain birthday song!

♪ For she's A jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For she's A jolly good fellow ♪

It's not my birthday!

Whoops, then, we better go.

Come on, kids. Stop!

Happy... Hanukkah?

Kwanza?

Uh... I'm sorry I tripped on your bagpipes.

Are they OK? No.

He dented my blow stick and punctured my squeeze bag.

Freddie'll pay to have your bagpipes fixed.

And you think that'll get

the three of you out of trouble?

Well, we were kinda hoping.

I don't think so.

Breaking into a teacher's home,

damaging property,

impersonating a dairy agent.

I could have you expelled.

I might even call the police.

Or you could let us run away

while you angrily shake your fist in the air

and scream, "You rotten kids!"

Look, Ms. Briggs,

we never meant to sneak into your house.

Then explain why you did.

Well, we were videotaping you for our web show

to see what teachers are like when they're not in school.

Ah, your web show, iCarly.

I've seen it.

Nothing more than mucus in the nose of the digital age.

Did she just call our show a booger?

ICarly's great.

Thousands of people watch it every week.

Thousands?

That's a pretty big booger.

Hmm, well, since you're so interested

in showing your viewers

what teachers do outside of school,

I think I have a solution that will benefit us all.

What solution?

I won't suspend you from school or call the police

if you let me perform an original bagpipe song

on your web show.

You wanna be on iCarly?

Just call the cops on us. Sam!

Why would you even wanna be on our show?

Because, I see this as a great opportunity

to show the world some culture,

To teach young people about fine music.

Don't do it, Carls.

She's not even playing it

and I'm already bored out of my mind.

Look, Ms. Briggs, I...

Put me on your webcast or I will have you suspended

for breaking into my house.

And I will file a report with the Seattle Police Department.

Your choice.

In five, four, three, two.

Hey, there. Welcome to iCarly.

I'm Sam. I'm Carly.

Blah blah. Blah blah.

Hey! Just read the introduction I gave you.

Uh, tonight on iCarly,

instead of the worthless trash we usually do here,

uh, please prepare to enjoy

some fine music played on the bagpipes

by Ms. Francine Briggs.

Oops, wrong button.

Give me that.

And now, here she is playing

an original song she composed herself

called "Haggis and Moonlight,"

please welcome the lovely and talented

Ms. Francine Briggs.

Thank you.

And now, for some real, enriching entertainment.

This is so horrible.

Well, maybe we don't have

that big of an audience tonight.

Sorry, look.

Whoa, all those people are streaming us right now?

Biggest audience we've ever had.

Yeah, and they all want us to be out there

doing something funny.

Hey, hey, look at that.

Why is the number dropping?

'Cause people are turning us off.

We've lost over 10% of our audience

in less than two minutes.

This is a disaster.

Do you know how hard we worked to get that audience?

And Briggs is gonna ruin it in one night.

Look, already 20% of our audience, gone.

Man, this webcast is suckish.

I'd rather watch you.

Yeah! Go, balls, go!

How long is this song?

I don't even think it's half over.

Well we've almost lost over half of our viewers.

We gotta do something.

What? What do you want?

The green screen.

What about the green screen? Do you have it set up?

Yeah, but I haven't tried it yet.

I was gonna test it out...

Test it now. Or I'll test it now.

He'll test it now.

\

Hey, watch me juggle.

No way, baby.

This iCarly web show is high-larious!

She's completely unaware of the changing backgrounds!

We're getting the audience back.

Yeah! Hit me.

Thank you.

Aw! Your song's over?

Do another one.

Yeah! Come on, Ms. Briggs!

Do this! Come on!

Oh, Alright.

Hey, there's Ms. Briggs!

Thank you. Thank you all.

You see? That silly comedy you girls do

is no match for my true musical artistry.

You are so right.

Thank you for teaching us that important lesson.

Certainly.

Freddie.

Mmm.

Mmm! You smell delightful.

Thanks, Ms. Briggs.

Mmm.

Randy Jackson cologne?

It smells tight, dawg.

Hey! You there.

You wanna see us do stuff you can't see anywhere else?

Do ya? I think they do.

Then go online to iCarly.com.

Yeah, go to iCarly.com.

Once you get to iCarly.com, you can see me and Carly.

And Freddie and Spencer

do all kinds of wacky, fun stuff.

You know you like wacky, fun stuff.

So go online to iCarly.com.

And see stuff you can't see anywhere else.

Only at iCarly.com.

So go there! Do it!

Seriously!

Mmm!