Original subtitles

Check out our web show at iCarly.com.

Hey, watch "iCarly" this weekend.

It's gonna be hot.

ICarly.com.

Hey, Wesley, watch iCarly this weekend.

It's gonna be a great show.

ICarly.Com.

Okay, see ya!

Hey, check out our web show at iCarly.com.

Thanks.

Hey, Jeremy,

you've heard of our web show, right?

Sure.

I've seen every episo...

Flyer?

Yes, please.

Thank you.

You keep that.

You're nice.

Didn't he have a cold last week?

Last week, the week before that...

Why are we talking weeks?

That lump's been blowing his nose

non-stop since first grade.

Hey, Tasha, check out our web show this weekend.

ICarly.com?

That's us. We rock.

Um, if your web show was worth "checking out,"

I'd have read about it on Nevelocity.com.

Hey, just 'cause our show wasn't reviewed on Nevelocity

doesn't mean it's not cool.

Actually, it does.

Nevel writes about everything that's cool on the web,

and since he's never written anything about iCarly,

I guess your web show's lame.

She irks me.

I wanna do bad things to that chick.

You should.

I will. Cool.

What we you gonna...

Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing?

I didn't mean me! Look out!

In five, four, three, two...

♪ I know, you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world ♪

♪ Will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ Live life, breathe air ♪

♪ I know somehow we're gonna get there ♪

♪ And feel so wonderful ♪

♪ It's all for real ♪

♪ I'm telling you just how I feel ♪

♪ So wake up the members ♪

♪ Of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance ♪

♪ Unless you take one ♪

♪ And it's time to see ♪

♪ The brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best ♪

♪ And leave the rest to me ♪

♪ Leave it all to me ♪

♪ Leave it all to me ♪

♪ Just leave it all to me ♪

Hey, kiddo!

I'm home, and I got bags!

Oh, yay, you went shopping. What'd ya get?

Well, y'see...

Butter. Butter.

Butter...

Oh, look. Butter.

I bought a lot of butter.

Clearly. This all you got?

No.

I also got this thingy that makes the water

in your toilet turn blue.

Great.

So for dinner we can have butter and blue toilet water.

This butter is not for eating.

I got hired to create a big sculpture.

Made of butter.

Yeah, for the bread convention.

See...

It's Toasty the Baker!

He's the mascot, and they hired me

to make a giant sculpture of him out of butter.

Ahh. Ask me what I'm getting paid.

Okay, what are you...

Money, baby!

Sweet! Sweet like corn syrup!

High fructose? The highest!

Okay, so what are we doing for dinner?

What's that little tween belly hungry for?

Whatever.

First, just lemme finish this e-mail.

Sure. Who ya writing?

This guy, Nevel, who runs a big website.

Nevelocity. Yeah.

I'm trying to get him to check out our next Webcast

and maybe write a review of it.

Oh, that'd be killer.

Everybody reads Nevelocity.

No kidding.

"Please write back. Carly."

There. All sent. Let's hit it.

Um, well, yeah, but first I was kinda hoping...

You wanna go make the toilet water turn blue?

So much. Do it.

Yeah!

Happy? Uh-huh.

In five, four, three, two.

Hey! Welcome to iCarly!

Check out our flashy new graphic!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Okay! I'm Carly...

I'm Sam...

And we like to draw families on our toes!

Observe!

Uh-oh.

Earthquake!

Okay, if you thought that video was cool...

Check out this kid from New York.

He's a crump dancer.

He enjoys crumping.

And he does it covered in peanut butter.

Crump it up, peanut boy!

This is for you.

♪ ♪

iCarly.com.

Unbelievable.

But is he smooth or crunchy?

And does he have a girlfriend covered in jelly?

Important questions! Important questions!

Okay, next on iCarly, we're gonna...

Um, who's coming up the elevator?

Oh, I, uh...

I ordered Chinese food.

During the show?

There's no wrong time to eat an egg roll.

Ahh!

Okay, looks like we have a surprise visitor

here on iCarly.

Hi, food delivery guy!

What's your name?

Chuck.

Chuck. Chuck.

Have you ever been interviewed, Chuck?

No.

So, Chuck, where ya from?

Wisconsin.

Are you in college?

No.

Okay. Um... Oh!

What's the weirdest thing that's ever happened to you

while you were delivering food?

I don't know.

Chuck, you're very boring.

And that means it's time for this.

Random dancing!

♪ ♪

Our most important webcast ever,

and you bring on a food delivery guy

who was born without a personality.

The show was still awesome.

Hey, you guys got an e-mail from Nevel Papperman.

Nevelocity!

Move! Aah!

C'mon! What'd the man say?

He says he loved our web show,

and he wants to interview me.

Oh, my God!

I can't believe it! Yes! Isn't that cool?

ICarly is on its way, baby. If Nevel interviews you...

Hey! Your toilet water's blue!

Look it!

I'll get more.

Now he gets a personality.

Who's the dude playing in our toilet?

Hey.

Hmm?

Why is it so cold in here?

Oh, I turned the air conditioner up

so my butter sculpture won't melt.

Ah. So you ready to drive me to Nevel's for my interview?

Yep. Let's hit it.

My hands have, um...

Butter? Yeah.

Uh. I got 'em though.

Let's go!

Let's.

I really think you should wait in the car.

No way. You don't know this Nevel guy.

What if he's a weirdo?

Aww, I got butter on my elbow.

Spence? Mm-hmm?

It's not possible!

Hi, you must be Carly.

Yes, ma'am. And this is my brother, Spencer.

Nice to meet you. Please come in.

Nevel is so excited to meet you.

He has been talking about your web show all week.

He just loves it.

Well, I'm a big fan of his website.

Oh, thank you.

How long have you and Nevel been married?

Married?

I'm sorry, I think you might be mistaking him

for someone a little...

Carly Shay, live and in person.

It is so exciting to meet you.

I'm Nevel Papperman.

You're Nevel? You're just a little kid.

He's so cute.

I created and now run

one of the world's most visited websites,

which gets over five million page views per day.

I'm not "cute." Yeah, you are.

I can tell 'cause I wanna mess up your hair.

Who's cute?

Who's a cute Nevel?

Who gets five million page views?

You do!

Mother...

Uh, why don't you and I go in the kitchen?

I'll make you some tea.

Will there be lemon? Yes.

All right then. Come on.

Please. Sit.

Hand sanitizer? Uhhh...

Do you know that trillions of germs

are living on your hand-skin right now?

Really?

Thanks.

Sure.

You know, I was really impressed with your web show.

Thanks so much. That really means a lot.

I know.

I think my readers will be very interested

to learn more about you.

What type of shampoo do you use?

Huh?

Kiwi salon with Jasmine, for normal to dry hair?

Wow, you have an amazing nose.

Yes.

You must love flowers.

Oh, I hate flowers.

Bugs sit upon them and make poo.

Okay.

Oh, hmm...

Look at this.

It's an X-ray of my brain.

Ah, interesting.

Big, isn't it?

Yeah. That's one beefy brain you got there.

Thank you.

Are you hungry? No.

I'll fetch you a snack. But...

Yeah? Sam! Where are you?

Your house, watching TV.

Well, you're not gonna believe...

My house? How'd you get in?

I know where you and Spencer hide the key.

How's the interview going?

Weirdly. First of all, Nevel's not a man.

He's a kid. What? How old?

Like eleven. And he's creepy.

Well, be nice to him.

You know how important this review is for our show.

Millions of people read his site.

Don't upset the kid.

But what if he...

Carly?

Man, why's it so cold in here?

I brought you crackers

and some of my mother's homemade tapenade.

Tapenade?

It's a spread made of olives, garlic, and capers.

Try some.

Oh, I really don't think

tapenade's something I'd, you know...

Oh, my god, that's awesome!

Isn't it?

Please, sit.

Do you think fireplaces are romantic?

Uh, yeah, I guess.

You've guessed correctly.

Do you like music?

Uh, yeah, sure.

♪ ♪

Would you like to dance?

Dance?

Look, I don't wanna sound rude,

but I really didn't come here to dance.

Could you just interview me about the web...

Nevel!

I stole a kiss upon your cheek,

and now another kiss I seek.

Seek some tapenade!

Spencer!

You shouldn't have done that, Carly Shay!

You'll rue this day!

You'll rue it!

You got a little...

Nevel's only eleven?

Yes, now stop speaking.

Tell us what happened.

Okay, I got there, Nevel sat next to me,

he sniffed my hair,

he showed me an X-ray of his brain,

he tried to make me dance,

and then he kissed me!

Whoa! He kissed you?

That jerk!

Come show my lips exactly what he did.

Yeah, I don't think so.

You just keep making out with your stuffed animals.

Tell us what happened after he kissed you.

I pushed tapenade in his face,

and then he got all furious and said I'd "rue the day."

What is "tapenade"?

A spread made of olives, garlic, and capers.

Eww. Gross.

It's actually really good, I can't explain it.

And what did he mean, you'd "rue the day?"

Yeah, what does "rue" mean?

No one knows!

I got it right here.

"Roux.

A mixture of fat and flour used to make sauces and soups."

Nevel called you a fat flower?

Try spelling it differently.

Oh, okay, here.

"Rue. To regret.

To wish that something had never been done."

Uh-oh.

You know what this means?

'Course. He's gonna make me regret

shoving tapenade in his face

by trashing iCarly on his stupid website.

We're dead.

I'm gonna go scrub his creepy lip residue

off my cheek.

Hey, why isn't it cold in here?

Toasty the Baker. Good God!

Aah! What?

Toasty!

Gross. It's like a giant baby threw up.

Why?

I told you not to turn the heat up.

What? I never even...

It's too late for apologies. But I didn't turn the...

It's okay! It's okay.

I just need a mop and bucket...

and 28 more pounds of butter!

Spencer. Mrs. Benson.

Freddie, your mom's here!

I came over because I heard screaming.

Freddie, are you all right?

Yes, Mom.

He's fine, but I really...

You know he's allergic to fruit?

Aw! Who's got a fruit problem?

Not me. I am not allergic to fruit!

Well, what if you were?

He'd probably give you an orange,

and then your face would puff up.

I would love that.

Look, I gave him no fruit.

Now please, I'm out of butter...

False!

I saw you come home yesterday

carrying grocery bags filled with butter.

You spied on me?

No, I just happened to be glancing

through my peephole.

That butter's gone.

And so am I.

What've you done with all that butter?

Freddie, I want you to take a bubble bath tonight.

Spencer!

I didn't give him any fruit!

Cool mom.

Nevelocity.com.

This is gonna be bad.

Maybe not.

He said I'd rue the day,

and I have a feeling the ruing's about to begin.

Just 'cause he hates you personally doesn't mean

he's gonna give our show a bad review.

Uh...

get ready to rue.

You found Nevel's review?

Read it!

"ICarly, or, as it should be called,

iBoring."

You see? Boring?

Keep going. Let's hear it.

"This webcast stars Carly Shay,

an unappealing 13-year-old girl."

Yeah, if I'm so "unappealing"

then why were you sniffing my hair

and chomping on my cheek?

Keep going. "My advice,

"If you're trying to decide between watching iCarly

and going to prison, choose prison.

You'll have more fun in jail

than you ever will at iCarly.lame."

That's so unfair.

At least he didn't call you a fat flower.

Yeah, but now everybody's gonna read that review

and stop watching us.

No, they're not.

Why aren't they?

'Cause we're gonna make Nevel admit

that he loves our webcast,

and he only wrote that mean stuff

'cause I didn't wanna be his little girlfriend.

Yeah.

Let's make him regret writing that review.

Oh, he's not just gonna regret it.

He's gonna rue it.

Don't worry, Toasty.

Soon, you'll be back and butter than ever.

Thank God no one heard that.

I'm coming!

I am Nevel.

I'm coming in now.

Okay.

Carly invited me here. I know.

She said she wants to apologize to me

for her obnoxious behavior.

Well, I think she feels bad about it.

Good.

Where is Carly?

Up on the third floor.

You can take the elevator or the stairs there.

What is that?

Oh, I'm an artist.

I'm making a sculpture

out of butter.

Your work disgusts me.

Nevel's a stupid name.

Carly?

Hello?

Carly?

What the...

Who are you? What's going on?

Hello, Nevel.

I see you've met our friend, Jeremy.

Or as we like to call him, "Germy."

The germiest kid in our whole school.

It's true.

I'm a mess.

Stop it! I can't stand germs!

Then you better tell the truth.

Admit that you like iCarly...

And that your review was a lie.

Let go of me!

Freddie, roll camera.

Rolling.

Tell the truth, Nevel.

I don't know what you're talking about!

Stop it, sick-o!

Let go of me!

No way. They're paying me to do this.

How much? Five bucks.

I'll give you ten to release me.

Deal. Ha! Now you get nothing!

You feel the rue?

You feel it?

He outsmarted me.

He outsmarted all of us.

Why does he have to have such a big brain?

So what are we gonna do now? I don't know.

How do you take down a brilliant,

powerful eleven-year-old boy?

Mother, I'm home from school.

Nevel Papperman.

Did you write a bad review of this girl's web show

just because you were angry with her?

You told my mom on me?

Nevel!

Okay, yes!

But only 'cause she rubbed my face with tapenade!

'Cause you kissed me in a surprise attack.

Shh, shh, shh!

You told me you thought girls were yucky.

That was last year!

I'm going through changes.

You just go to your room

and write an honest review of Carly's web show.

Which you said you loved.

A lot. Yeah, Papperman!

Go on.

Can I call you?

Get outta here!

Germs!

Tapenade?

Oh, and those little crackers.

♪ What so proudly we hailed ♪

♪ At the twilight's last gleaming ♪

♪ Whose broad stripes and bright stars ♪

♪ Through the perilous night ♪

♪ Mmm-ahh ♪

Mmm!