Original subtitles

Carly, get in here, right now.

Have a seat.

So, I understand you put some fliers up

all over the school?

Yes, I did.

Why would you Photodoc my head

onto the body of a rhinoceros?

Well, I... Rhinoceros? Oh, no, no, no.

She made you a hippopotamus.

No, no. She's a rhinoceros.

A hippo has fatter thighs and a wider snout.

What does it matter?

I think we should call her father in to discuss this.

Um, my dad's stationed in Europe right now.

He's in the military.

Well, there must be some adult in charge of her.

My older brother, Spencer.

Oh, yes, the artist.

He's a great artist.

Look, we don't need to call her brother in about this.

I'm sure that you can come up with a suitable punishment.

Fine.

You know, Carly, I am in charge

of the talent show this year.

Yeah, you're holding auditions on Saturday.

No, you are. Huh?!

I will be enjoying my Saturday

while you videotape the auditions for me.

No! I'm going to see Cuddlefish play live

at the Hawthorne on Saturday!

Not anymore. Aw, come on!

It's what you get for turning me into a hippopotamus.

Rhinoceros.

Get out! Right.

In five, four, three, two...

♪

♪ I know, you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪

♪ Live life, breathe air ♪

♪ I know somehow we're gonna get there ♪

♪ And feel so wonderful ♪

♪ It's all for real ♪

♪ I'm telling you just how I feel ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be so give me your best ♪

♪ And leave the rest to me ♪

♪ Leave it all to me, leave it all to me ♪

♪ Just leave it all to me ♪

♪

Ah! Let me go!

Say you're sorry. I'm sorry!

And what are you sorry for? For saying you're aggressive!

And what am I, again? Pretty and sweet!

Thank you! Now the next time... Ow! Hair, hair, hair.

Hi! Did you get in trouble?

Of course I got in trouble!

Teachers tend to get upset when you put their heads

on the bodies of big, fat animals!

I can't believe I let you talk me

into taking the blame for you!

You had to. I've already been suspended once this semester.

If I'd gotten busted, they'd have expelled me.

Well, here's an idea. What?

Stop doing bad things!

Okay. Chillax.

I will not chillax!

And get excited, 'cause you and I get to spend

our entire Saturday here

videotaping kids' auditions for the talent show.

Whatev.

You know, anybody but me would punch you right in the head.

Which is why you are my best friend.

Good to know. Now, why are you mine?

Because I'm a lovable person.

♪

You dropped this!

Um, thanks, but you really...

I was gonna walk you home from school

but I couldn't find ya. Hey!

Freddie, were you looking out your peephole

waiting for me to come home?

No!

Freddie. Yes.

I thought we talked about this.

We can be buds, but you gotta get over this crush thing.

I am over it. Seriously.

I'm in love with you. You just wanna be friends.

And I'm totally cool living with that constant pain.

Oh, god.

I'm home.

Hey, kiddo! Up here.

Just taking some pics of my robot sculpture.

Smile! Yeah.

You know, for most eighth grade girls,

if they came home and found their 26-year-old brother

dangling upside down from the ceiling

over a giant robot made out of soda bottles,

it'd be weird.

You're saying I'm abnormal.

Do I need to say it?

Come down from there before you hurt yourself.

No worries.

I got my leg wrapped around this pipe... Ah!

Please help me stand up.

Are you all right? Yea... Nope.

I dislocated my shoulder again.

One sec.

Yeah, that fixed her.

Good. So listen, I need a favor.

Shoot. I have to tape

a bunch of auditions at school on Saturday.

Fun. Yeah, not really.

Anyway, would you let me borrow your video camera?

I would. Awesome.

Though I can't.

Why not?

I made it into a squirrel.

♪

I told you the front doors would be locked.

You gotta go around to the blue doors in the back of the...

Oh, my God.

What do you think of my equipment?

I just asked to borrow your video camera.

What is all this?

Well, that's a three-chip, high-def camcorder

with a hyper-cardioid condenser microphone.

Mounted on a carbon fiber tripod with a low-drag fluid head.

I also brought you juice and a bagel.

Hey, you invited the doof. Sam.

Aw, man! I didn't know that was gonna be here.

She. I'm a she, Freddie, as in "girl."

Just keep your hands off my AV equipment.

You mean I can't play with the white balance

on your super-dee duper-dee camcorder?

Ah, sure! Everybody jokes about the white balance

'til the skin tones go magenta...

Carly will never love you.

That's it!

I'm taking my stuff and I'm going home!

Please stay. Okay.

Okay, Jeb, you ready to audition?

Yeah. I will be performing a scene from a French play

called...

Okay.

We don't know what that means, but knock us out.

Rolling?

Uh... rolling.

But... but

where did she go? I don't know.

But when will she be back? I don't know!

Well, where can I find her? I tell you, I do not know!

Okay! Nice job!

What'd you think? I don't know!

You don't know?!

I tell you, I do not know! But you must know!

How can I know when I do not know?

I don't know.

♪

I will play the trumpet.

Great. Nice.

While hopping on this pogo stick.

♪

That's what I'm talking about!

Great job! You go, girl! Yeah.

Pogo-tastic! That's awesome!

Jump and blow!

So the doc says,

"Why'd you wait so long to bring her in?"

So I say, "I liked the eggs."

That's awesome. Thanks.

Not that funny. No, no, not at all.

But forget that.

Can we please discuss the boy's hair and glasses?

He looks like Miss Briggs.

Yeah, except he doesn't have Miss Briggs' crazy pointy boobs.

I know! What is up with those?

It's like she stuffs waffle cones in her bra.

Totally! She could poke an eye out

with one of those things.

Okay, okay, we better keep going.

We've still got 11 more kids to see.

No. Eleven?

Calm down. They can't get worse.

And I was wrong.

♪

Sam.

Sam.

Wake up!

What time is it?

Late. What time is your mom coming to pick you up?

She's not. I told her you invited me to spend the night.

I didn't invite you to spend the night.

Well, you should 'cause I'm not leaving.

What you doing?

Checking to make sure Freddie put the auditions online.

I told Miss Briggs we'd upload 'em

on SplashFace tonight so she could watch 'em in the morning.

I kind of hate Miss Briggs.

Remember when she called me a demon?

No! Oh, Yeah.

When I put that raw chicken in her purse...

Shut up and come look at this!

What? Freddie didn't upload the auditions?

No! He uploaded us!

What? Look!

It's like she stuffs waffle cones in her bra.

That's you and me! Sure is!

He wasn't supposed to film us!

We were being all goofy

and acting like idiots all day!

Oh, my God.

We made fun of Miss Briggs and her crazy pointy boobs!

Whoa, if she sees that...

Anyone can see it! It's on SplashFace!

Okay, okay, chillax.

Look, see the view count?

Only 27 people have clicked on it.

Oh. Okay, good.

Sam? Yeah.

That's 27,000!

♪

Quit it, Sam! Let go of my foot!

Too much friction! Let go!

What is the matter with you?!

Why'd you film us at the auditions today?

Oh. 'Cause you guys were being funny.

Well, you shouldn't have put us online

without our permission!

I didn't! I edited you guys out

before I uploaded the auditions.

No, you did the opposite of that!

What? There's no way I...

Uh-oh.

Yeah. Just take us off the site!

Okay, okay! Just give me a sec.

Oh, this is so not good.

Anyone, anyone in the world can just click and see

everything we did and said today.

It's so embarrassing. And if Miss Briggs...

Don't even talk about it. If she...

Ha! Got it.

See? It says, "At your request,

this video will be removed."

Good! Finally.

Tomorrow morning.

Ugh, great. Aw, man!

Do you know how many more thousands

can view it by then? Alright!

Look, before you get all freaked out,

SplashFace has message boards.

So?

So, let's see what people are saying

about the video.

Um, okay, here's one.

"Carly, you and your friend Sam crack me up.

Funny stuff."

Great, so one kid... Wait.

SlackerBoy314 writes,

"Carly and Sam, you chicks are hilarious.

When's your next show?"

And this kid says,

"You guys are way better than most of the puke

here on SplashFace."

Wow. They love us.

Yeah! More than puke.

♪

Where's Miss Briggs? What if she saw it?

Video was off by yesterday morning.

What if she saw it before it was off?

It was Sunday. She was probably in church.

What church would let Miss Briggs in the door?

Hello, Carly. Samantha.

Howdy. Morning, Miss Briggs.

Um, we had some trouble putting the video online,

so here's a DVD of every kid who auditioned on Saturday.

Thank you. Sure.

I'll try not to poke a hole in this with my pointy bosoms.

She saw the video. We're so sorry.

Miss Briggs? What?

I typed up a list of the kids

we think should be in the talent show.

Snorting milk? Pogo stick hopping?

These aren't talents.

They were the most fun to watch.

Goodbye.

Wait, so you're not gonna let any of the kids

we picked be in the show? That's right. Girls.

No one enjoys that!

♪

I am so mad!

Me, too.

I need some ham.

Seriously, Miss Briggs is the worst!

You don't gotta convince me.

I hated her even after she got that brown lump

removed from her nose.

I'll tell you something.

She is what's wrong with the world.

Who's what's wrong with the world?

Miss Briggs. Oh.

Well, hey, at least she got that brown lump

taken off of her nose.

I just hate it when adults like her

get to control what kids can do and see.

It ticks me off.

Why do they put a bone right in the middle of a ham?

Hey, remember all that stuff those kids wrote about us

on the message boards? Yeah.

Things like, "You guys should upload more videos,"

and, "When's your next show?" And, "We want more."

Let's give 'em more. More?

Okay, what are we talking about here?

Doing a web show, online, every week.

Why? 'Cause it can be

whatever we want it to be, no adults to say,

"You can do this. You can't do that."

We can do whatever we want, say whatever we want.

Would it mean I have to do, like, work and stuff?

Well, if you're gonna do it, you gotta prepare for it.

Eh, then make it your show.

You do the work, I'll just show up

and be your amusing little sidekick.

Wait, what's the show gonna be about?

Anything. Something different every week.

But for the first show, kids with bizarro talents.

Ah, clever.

Miss Briggs says, "No, no, no."

We say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Hey, why don't you guys call your show "iCarly."

You know, "I," Internet, "Carly," you.

I like it. ICarly's cool.

And um, you're gonna need a technical producer, right?

To set up the lights, audio, work the camera...

Aw, he wants to be our geek.

You got a big mouth, lady!

Hey! Look what someone just left in the dumpster.

Isn't she amazing?!

Hey, can we use the third floor as kind of a TV studio?

Well, I don't know... Thanks!

You rock. Later!

Wait, I didn't say... Why do you... Okay, later!

♪

52 seconds!

Sam, come on! Sorry, I had to pee!

You always have to pee.

Well, it's either that or I explode.

45 seconds! We're on our way up!

You know what to do?

Yes. We sit together;

me on the left, you on the right.

Camera opens on the sign, pans down to me.

We chat with all the kids with weird talents.

You got it? I'm down.

20 seconds. Here we go.

I look good? Perfect. Me?

Uh, well, you got something in your teeth.

What?! Get it out!

Five! Four!

Three! Two, and...

Hey, there, people of Earth.

I'm Carly Shay,

and this is our very first webcast

of a little show we call iCarly.

She's Carly. She's Sam.

Sam I am. Carly, Sam.

I think they're clear. Demonstrate the thing.

Oh, yeah! With this item,

provided by our dorky friend, Freddie...

That's disrespectful!

We can do this...

and this.

And this...

♪

Okay.

Tonight, we're gonna show you some kids

with super insane talents.

♪ Freak show! ♪ Stop it.

Okay, this first kid we're gonna show you

can take a glass of milk... This is so deliciously gross.

Snort the milk up into his nose.

It's the best thing ever.

And make the milk squirt out of his eyes.

I wanna marry this boy! Let's bring him out.

Simon Kendall! You're up, dude!

Okay, Simon, you ready to blow people away

with your freakish talent? Do it!

Let's go. Drum roll.

Okay, this is insane! Tell the people your name.

Brennan Yubberly. Yeah, Yubberly!

Okay, any word you say,

Brennan can say backwards perfectly.

He's a backwards talker. Check this out.

Ointment. Tnenmtnio.

Yes! Okay, uh, slippery watermelon.

Yreppils nolemretaw.

Do you hear this? We love this boy!

Okay, okay! Say, "I must be from planet Jupiter

"because there's no other way

I could be saying all this backwards!"

I tsum eb morf tenalp retipuJ esuaceb s'ereht on rehto yaw

I dluoc eb gniyas lla siht sdrawkcab.

Did you hear that?

Insanity! Ytinasni!

That's enough, Brennan.

Yeah! Great job! Wonderful!

Well, looking at that goat made me hungry!

Well, you can eat soon, 'cause the very first webcast

of iCarly is almost over.

No, no, don't be sad.

We still got one more kid with a weird talent. But first...

Here's some stuff you need to know.

If you liked our show, tell your friends.

Your cousins, people you like. People you hate.

All people of this planet.

That we're gonna be here, live, online,

every week at iCarly.com.

In fact, next week,

Carly's gonna take my tonsils out right here.

She's lying. But how awesome would that be?

Oh! And if you wanna send us a video...

Of you doing or saying anything cool.

Telling a joke, eating a bug.

Just email the video clip to us.

Carly and me. Me and Sam.

At iCarly.com And if it's cool enough...

We'll show it right here on iCarly.

Okay, our last freakishly talented kid's name

is Taryn James, and she's about to play us out.

With her trumpet. But with a little extra twist.

Hit the button. Get out here, Taryn!

♪ Will you look at that!

It seems impossible. That is so cool!

I wish I could do that! Come on, let's go!

Yeah! Well, thanks for watching!

Yeah! Tune in next time!

Oh, my gosh! This is so much fun!

And we're clear! Yes! We did it!

Oh, here it is! How many?

37,000!

Why are we happy?

'Cause our very first web show rocked!

And was watched by over 37,000 people!

Get out!

My baby sister's a web star!

Hey, we should have a party, you know, to celebrate.

Yeah, that'd be so cool. That'd be so tight!

Yes. Yes, we should.

But it shouldn't be a normal, regular party.

Oh no.

It needs to be something different,

something... wonderfully random.

Crazy hat party?

♪

Hey, cupcake.

There you are! Nice hat. Back at ya.

Hi. Um, can we get your autographs?

We love iCarly. Your web show.

Um, sure. No prob.

There you go.

Thanks. Sure.

I love you, Carly!

Wow. I just signed an autograph.

Get used to it. ICarly's a great show.

You might get famous.

Yeah, I don't know if I'm gonna like that.

Hey.

Saw your web show. Pretty hot.

Um, thanks. Yeah, thanks a lot.

So, you guys wanna dance? Yes.

Cool, let's do it.

I'm gonna like it.

Hey! Hey, stop that!

Put her down! She's not for you!

Get off! How pitiful! Who invited you?!

♪

Woo!

♪

Mmm.