Original subtitles

(man) THESE ARE THE BACHELOR PARTY 10 COMMANDMENTS.

[man speaking]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

[man groaning]

[woman moaning]

[tires screeching]

(man) GOT IT?

*[Saturday Night by Ozomatli playing]

* DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY

* UH, IMAGINE

* WAKIN' UP, SOLIDARITY IS EVIDENT *

* HARMONY MOVES, TIME IS IRRELEVANT *

* PEOPLE, THE PLACES, THE MESSAGE BASIC *

* FROM RAISE FISTS TO SIT-INS, RESIST THE CHANGE *

* PEEP THE SCENARIO, TO THE FUTURE BRO *

* 2020 AND SOME NUMBER A YEAR AGO *

* PEOPLE ROSE UP, GOVERNMENTS FROZE UP *

* WORLDWIDE BLOCK PARTY, EVERYBODY SHOWS UP *

* UP ON ROOF TOPS, GHETTOS AND HOT SPOTS *

* PEOPLE CELEBRATIN' NO MORE SOULS ROT *

* NO MORE BLOODSHED OVER FALSE DEFICIT *

* EVEN HIP-HOP GETS A FUCKIN' FACE-LIFT *

* THE LATEST FASHION, STOCK MARKET'S CRASHIN' *

* IT'S SATURDAY, TIME TO GET THE PARTY CRACKIN' *

* AND IF THE TIME AND THE DAY IS RIGHT *

* THE REVOLUTION WILL BEGIN THIS SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY

* HEY, HEY, HEY

* WHEN IT DROP, STORES OUGHTA STOP ON ME *

* SHOP TILL YOU DROP, HOMEY THAT'S NOT ME *

* RUSH AN ATTACK FROM THE BACK ON 3 *

* STOP ON ME, SHOUT "WORLD PEACE!" *

* SLIDE FROM THE BLOCK, LOVE PEACE, OH PLEASE! *

* WE DON'T NEED BOUNCERS OR POLICE *

* IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT, IT'S NOTHIN' BETTER *

* SPREAD THE WORD THAT WE COMIN' TOGETHER *

* SO COME ON WITH ME NOW

* OH, AND YOU DON'T TRY

* GET READY FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE

* GET READY FOR THE SATURDAY NIGHT *

* DIP, DIVE, SOCIALIZE *

[seagulls cawing]

(woman on P.A. system) THE WHITE ZONE IS FOR IMMEDIATE LOADING

AND UNLOADING OF PASSENGERS ONLY.

[people chattering]

(man) YOU ARE EVERYTHING YOU CAN BE.

THANK YOU.

(Nathan) WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT, Z BOB.

IT IS NO BIG DEAL.

IT'S REALLY BAD LUCK. I PROMISE YOU, SOMETHING BAD'S GONNA HAPPEN.

[alarm buzzing]

UH, YOU'RE FINE, SON.

[alarm buzzing]

STEP BACK AND REMOVE ANY METAL OBJECTS FROM YOUR PERSON.

(Eli) OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE--THEY'RE BOARDING GROUP 2 ALREADY.

HE'S GONNA MISS IT. THAT'S IT, MAN.

HE'S GONNA MISS HIS OWN BACHELOR PARTY.

SHUT UP, MAN!

HE'S NOT GONNA MISS ANYTHING.

YOU'RE GONNA GET TO SEE YOUR PRECIOUS HUEY NEWTON GUY.

WAYNE. WAYNE NEWTON.

OK, HUEY NEWTON WAS A FOUNDING MEMBER OF THE BLACK PANTHERS.

HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THAT?

WHY SHOULD I?

WELL, YOU'RE, YOU KNOW...

BECAUSE, UM...

BECAUSE I'M WHAT?

YOU'RE A... I'M A?

YOU GOT A 1600 ON YOUR S.A.T.

AND YOU JUST GRADUATED NORTHWESTERN WITH A 4.0.

YOU OUGHT TO KNOW THINGS LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW I GOT A 1600

THE SAME WAY I GOT A 4.0. I CHEATED.

[alarm buzzing]

[beeping]

GOD, I... BOY, I TELL YOU, MAN, WHITE GIRLS, THEY...

IT JUST SEEMS LIKE THEIR BUTTS ARE GROWIN', MAN.

WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE HE'S NOT GONNA MISS IT?

BEFORE Y'ALL USED TO JUST HAVE TITTIES, AND THAT WAS IT.

WAIT. NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU GOT TITTIES AND ASS.

[alarm buzzing]

PLEASE COME WITH ME, SIR.

I TOLD YOU IT WAS BAD LUCK.

HURRY UP, WE'RE ALREADY LATE.

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE NATHAN LET Z BOB PLAN THIS WHOLE WEEKEND

AFTER EVERYTHING ELSE HE'S SCREWED UP.

WELL, HIS BROTHER HOOKED HIM UP WITH THIS BACHELOR-PARTY GURU.

SO NOT EVEN Z BOB CAN SCREW THIS UP.

(Z Bob) AS A COURTESY YOU COULD'VE AT LEAST--

[Z Bob groaning]

YOU OK?

DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS, ALL RIGHT?

ABOUT WHAT?

COME ON.

DOES THAT HAVE ANY BUSINESS NEWS IN IT?

YOU WANNA CHECK IT OUT? PLEASE.

OK.

GO AHEAD, MAN.

THIS HAS BUSINESS NEWS?

YEAH, SEE, THERE'S HER BUSINESS RIGHT THERE.

AND THERE'S SOME MORE OF HER BUSINESS RIGHT THERE.

FOR REAL, MAN, YOU GOTTA BE THE DUMBEST GRADUATE N.U. EVER PRODUCED.

THAT'S OK, BABY, I GET SICK BEFORE I FLY, TOO.

JUST TAKE A COUPLE OF ASPIRIN. YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO DEFLATE YOUR DOLL.

YEAH, IT WAS WORTH A SHOT, RIGHT?

GENTLEMEN, I HAVE 2 WORDS FOR YOU.

SHOW GIRLS.

FOR THE RECORD, SHOWGIRLS IS ONE WORD.

WHERE--

DOES HE HAVE TO COME?

[air hissing]

I CAN'T...

(Z Bob) I SEE YOU'VE DISCOVERED COMMANDMENT NUMBER 8.

YES, I HAVE.

"THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."

UH-HUH. "ALL FORMS OF ENTERTAINMENT MUST INCLUDE SEXUAL EXPLICITNESS

AND/OR ILLEGALITY." THAT'S NICE.

WELL, JAIME PRESSLY.

I'D BE HER BITCH ANY DAY.

ONE SECOND. WHAT'RE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

BACHELOR PARTY 10 COMMANDMENTS.

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

THIS HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN FROM BROTHER TO BROTHER IN MY FAMILY.

AND FROM UNCLE TO UNCLE BEFORE THAT. READY?

COMMANDMENT NUMBER ONE:

"EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS DURING THE BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND

CAN NEVER BE DISCUSSED WITH ANYONE ELSE FOR ANY REASON."

YEAH, DON'T WORRY. LISA ALREADY TOLD ME,

SHE DOESN'T WANNA KNOW A THING.

THAT GIRL IS SO COOL, SHE'S ALMOST A GUY.

YOU--YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS, RIGHT?

WHAT?

LISA GAVE YOU THE GREEN LIGHT.

WHAT GREEN LIGHT?

DUDE, DON'T GET ALL RILED UP, OK?

I MEAN, I ALREADY PROMISED HER I'M NOT GONNA GET ARRESTED, AND I'M NOT GONNA HAVE SEX.

ALL I HEARD WAS SHE DOESN'T KNOW A THING--

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, COMMANDMENT NUMBER 2:

"THE GOAL OF THE BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND

IS TO EXPERIENCE THE MOST UNFORGETTABLE 48 HOURS EVER IMAGINED."

COUNT ON IT. AND NUMBER 3:

"THE BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND MUST TAKE PLACE IN LAS VEGAS."

(woman on P.A. system) FINAL BOARDING CALL FOR FLIGHT 420 TO LAS VEGAS.

ALL TICKETED PASSENGERS SHOULD PROCEED TO THE GATE IMMEDIATELY.

SHIT. WHERE'S JOHNNY C?

IS THERE A REASON YOU'RE CARRYING HANDCUFFS?

I'M GOING TO MY FIRST BACHELOR PARTY.

[both chuckling]

NOT WITH THESE, YOU'RE NOT.

BUT THE... AND WHAT IS THIS?

OH, DUDE, BANANA-FLAVORED PENIS-SENSITIZING CREAM.

IT MAGNIFIES EVEN THE SLIGHTEST TOUCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

BEST PART THOUGH, EDIBLE.

NOT IN U.S. AIRSPACE IT'S NOT.

HOW DO I EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU?

THIS IS POTENTIALLY THE BIGGEST WEEKEND

[buzzing] MY FRIENDS AND I ARE EVER GONNA EXPERIENCE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?

THESE ARE POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS WEAPONS

WHICH YOU WILL NOT BE CARRYING ON ANY AIRCRAFT.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?

[baby crying]

MAN, FUCK OSAMA BIN LADEN. FUCK AL-QAEDA.

AND FUCK EVERY OTHER DOUCHE BAG WHO BROUGHT ABOUT

THIS HEIGHTENED SECURITY BULLSHIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU KNOW, I CAN UNDERSTAND THEM

TAKING THE HANDCUFFS, BUT THE DILDOS?

THEY EVEN TOOK THE GODDAMN PENIS CREAM.

EXCUSE ME, BUT WHO ARE WE BRINGING DILDOS FOR?

(Johnny C) ELI, CHAPTER 1, PAGE 1.

SHOWGIRLS LOVE DILDOS. TRUST ME.

THEY SEE GUYS WHO BROUGHT THEIR OWN, AND THE PARTY IS ON.

OH, DUDE, THEN AS SOON AS WE LAND, WE HAVE TO GET DILDOS.

RELAX, MAN. IN VEGAS THEY PRACTICALLY

SELL THEM ON EVERY STREET CORNER.

(Eli) HOW THE HELL WOULD YOU KNOW?

YOU'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN TO VEGAS.

WE'RE GOING TO THE DECADENCE CAPITAL OF THE WORLD HERE, BOYS.

GET READY TO PUSH THE BOUNDS OF DECENCY

AND STRETCH OUT OUR MORAL CODES

BECAUSE THIS IS GOING TO BE THE WILDEST,

CRAZIEST WEEKEND OF OUR LIVES.

GIFTS, FOR EVERYONE. OH, YEAH.

I SHOULD SAY TO OUR NEW...

THANKS, BROTHER.

GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

(Nathan) I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW HOW PSYCHED I AM

THAT MY 4 BEST FRIENDS ARE WITH ME. YOU KNOW?

EACH OF YOU GUYS MEAN THE WORLD TO ME.

(Ash) ALL RIGHT.

ENOUGH OF THIS SENSITIVE BULLSHIT.

BEFORE WE BREAK OUT INTO A CIRCLE JERK

WE ARE GOING TO GET SHIT-FACED.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SHITTY.

ALL RIGHT. I GOT A QUESTION TO ASK YOU.

DON'T GET ME WRONG, LISA'S PRACTICALLY PERFECT.

SHE'S GOT A GREAT BODY, SHE'S SEXY,

SHE'S SMART, SHE'S GOT A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.

ACCORDING TO YOU, SHE'S A BEAST IN THE SACK. RIGHT?

BUT?

WHY ARE YOU WILLING TO REDUCE AN ENTIRE DECADE OF MALE BONDING,

WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR 20's, TO ONE WEEKEND?

YOU MEAN, WHY AM I GETTING MARRIED?

YES! YES, YES! WHY?

WHY NOW? WHY CAN'T YOU WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE, LIKE

30 OR 35 OR 40?

WHAT'S THE RUSH?

I LOVE HER.

OK. AND?

WHAT ELSE IS THERE?

OH.

WELL, THAT'S... THAT'S BULLSHIT.

YOU DON'T... GREAT, YOU LOVE HER.

THAT'S FINE, THOUGH. YOU OWE US, THOUGH.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I OWE YOU?

LOOK, DUDE, DON'T GET US WRONG, OK?

WE'RE INCREDIBLY HAPPY FOR YOU.

IT'S JUST THAT WE'RE GETTING USED TO THE IDEA

THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE LISA'S FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

FOR ONE LAST WEEKEND, BITCH, YOU'RE OURS.

IT'S THE BACHELOR DILEMMA.

WHAT IS?

GOING INTO HIS FINAL WEEKEND AS A SINGLE MAN,

EVERY BACHELOR FEELS A TORN SENSE OF OBLIGATION.

SEE, HE WANTS TO STAY TRUE TO HIS BRIDE-TO-BE AND NOT LET HER DOWN.

WHILE, AT THE SAME TIME,

STAYING TRUE TO HIS FRIENDS AND NOT LETTING THEM DOWN.

WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT, PSYCH CLASS? HUSTLER.

OF COURSE.

ANOTHER ROUND, GENTLEMEN?

OH, THAT'S PERFECT. HERE, RIGHT--

YOU CAN JUST DROP IT RIGHT--

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

HERE'S $50, KEEP IT COMING.

CONSIDER IT DONE.

OK.

[snickering]

DRINK UP, BOYS.

SOBRIETY IS THE ENEMY.

HEY, DO YOU HAVE THAT D.V.D. PLAYER I GAVE YOU?

(Nathan) YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

THE IN-FLIGHT ENTERTAINMENT IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

WOULD YOU MIND SWITCHING SEATS?

YOUNG MAN, EVERY TIME I FLY TO LAS VEGAS, I SIT IN 27-C.

IT'S MY LUCKY SEAT.

I'M NOT GONNA GIVE THAT UP.

PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE?

THIS IS MY SEAT.

BUZZ OFF.

[Ash chortling]

ALL RIGHT. IF, UH, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'D LIKE.

(Z Bob) WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

I GAVE HIM THIS TO WATCH PORN.

(Nathan) THAT'S CHUCK LIDDELL.

THE ICEMAN IS THE U.F.C. LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD.

HE'S, LIKE, THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN ON THE PLANET.

OK, WELL, UNLESS WE SEE HIM GETTING A BLOW JOB FROM A RING GIRL,

I THINK THIS IS THE LAST TIME WE'RE GONNA SEE ICEMAN THIS WEEKEND.

(Johnny C) THERE YOU GO.

VERY NICE.

(Z Bob) GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT MISS CANDY JUGGS.

ALL RIGHT.

TURN IT ON. PLAY. POW.

(Z Bob) YEAH.

(woman) RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE.

OH, YEAH, DON'T STOP. (Z Bob) GOT YOU.

YOUR COCK IS SO BIG.

SORRY, MA'AM, I TRIED TO WARN YOU.

(woman) WOULD YOU MIND TURNING THAT OFF?

YOU KNOW, UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES, I ABSOLUTELY WOULD,

BUT, UH, BACHELOR PARTY COMMANDMENT NUMBER 8--

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY PUSSY?

EXCUSE ME?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY PUSSY?

GOD, NO!

I DON'T CARE TO SEE YOUR PORNOGRAPHY.

I LIKE MINE WITH A LITTLE STORY.

SO, IF I HAVE TO SEE YOURS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU MINE.

GIVE IT BACK. NO.

TRUST. TRUST. JUST NO.

OH, GOD, I NEED...

[beeping]

SO, UH, GUYS,

IN THE SPIRIT OF THIS WEEKEND

I'VE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER.

TAKE A LOOK AT THE NEWEST MEMBER OF THE MILE HIGH CLUB.

OH, ELI,

SPANKING DOESN'T COUNT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT DOESN'T COUNT?

SORRY, ELI, I'M AFRAID IT DOESN'T.

I WANNA GO HOME.

RIGHT NOW.

WHOEVER JUST MASTURBATED IN THE BATHROOM,

WOULD YOU MIND GOING BACK AND CLEANING YOUR MAN-SAUCE OFF THE MIRROR?

[people exclaiming]

DID HE JUST SAY "MAN-SAUCE"?

(woman #1) NASTY.

(woman #2) DISGUSTING.

(man) PLEASE.

(woman #3) WON'T BE GOING TO THE BATHROOM ANY TIME SOON.

THERE IT IS, GUYS.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CITY IN THE WORLD.

OH, MAN.

YOU KNOW, MOST WOMEN DREAM OF THEIR WEDDING DAY THEIR ENTIRE LIVES.

BUT THIS IS THE DAY WE DREAM OF.

IT'S EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN I THOUGHT.

WE'RE HERE.

WE'RE REALLY HERE.

*[Alive & Amplified by Mooney Suzuki playing]

* PLUG ME IN AND TURN ME ON *

* LISTEN HERE 'CAUSE HERE IT COMES *

* GOT HOT LICKS ON YOUR GUITAR STRINGS *

* RIFFS AND RHYTHMS AND GUITAR THANGS *

OH, MY GOD, THAT'S THE GIRL FROM POISON IVY 3, JAIME PRESSLY.

IT'S JAIME PRESSLY. JAIME.

JAIME. (Z Bob) MISS PRESSLY, EXCUSE ME.

HEY, UH, THIS IS-- THIS IS MY BUDDY

NATHAN'S LAST WEEKEND AS A SINGLE MAN

AND I WAS KIND OF WONDERING IF MAYBE

THERE WAS SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, THAT--

WE COULD DO TO HELP MAKE THIS A GREAT WEEKEND?

YES. RIGHT.

ANYTHING AT ALL. RIGHT. UM, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M SURE THERE'S SOMETHING WE COULD DO. YEAH, DEFINITELY.

ALL RIGHT?

YEAH. UH, WHY DON'T-- WHY DON'T I GET--

HI. HI.

WHY DON'T I GET YOUR NUMBER?

OR YOUR NUMBER.

OK? AND THEN WE'LL CALL YOU.

YEAH, I'LL GIVE YOU THE NUMBER.

847-555-6634. THAT'S 847--

OK, HOLD IT. OK, I GOT IT. I GOT IT THAT TIME. THANKS.

AND THE, UH, NAME?

UH, Z BOB. OR "Z" FOR SHORT.

WELL, I HOPE SO.

PERFECT. ALL RIGHT, WELL, WE GOT IT.

SO WE WILL GIVE YOU GUYS A CALL.

SO WE'LL-- MY NAME IS ASH,

BY THE WAY, JUST IN CASE, YOU KNOW. HI. HI, ASH.

WHERE YOU GUYS STAYIN'?

WE ARE STAYING AT-- GREEN VALLEY.

GREEN VALLEY RANCH. THAT'S AN AWESOME HOTEL.

YEAH. MAYBE CAESARS OR MAYBE...

WE'RE NOT-- WE'RE NOT SURE.

WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR FRIEND? HI.

HI. THAT'S JENNA.

YOU KNOW, HAVE A WONDERFUL TRIP. YEAH.

UM, CONGRATULATIONS. AND... THANK YOU.

...WE'LL CALL YOU. GOOD LUCK.

WE'LL SEE YOU AT CAESARS. WE'RE AT THE NUGGET. ALL RIGHT.

NICE TO MEET YOU, JAIME PRESSLY. I LOVE YOU.

(Johnny C) IT--IT--IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU

WOW! ...JAIME PRESSLY.

SHUT UP.

JAIME PRESSLY IS GONNA CALL US.

NO, SHE'S NOT.

NO, NO, SHE WILL. I KNOW SHE WILL. NO, NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.

YOU THINK SHE'S JUST LEADING US ON? YES.

AT LEAST SHE WAS NICE ABOUT IT, RIGHT?

(Johnny C) JAIME! PROBABLY A LESBIAN, ANYWAY.

GOD, I HOPE SO.

[all whooping]

OH, YEAH! YOU ARE THE MAN! SWEET!

(Z Bob) GUYS, LET'S GET READY TO ROCK 'N ROLL!

GUYS, THE FIRST LAP DANCE, IT'S ON ME.

GET READY BOYS. THE WEEKEND STARTS NOW.

(Eli) UH, MA'AM, EXCUSE ME.

UH, YOU WEREN'T ON THE WEB SITE.

OH, THAT'S 'CAUSE I JUST STARTED.

I AM CASSANDRA.

I ALSO TEACH PRESCHOOL.

NEVER, EVER TRUST THE PICTURES YOU SEE ON A WEB SITE.

HUMPITY-HUMPITY, HUMPITY-HUMPITY DUMP.

OK. WHOA, STOP.

PLEASE, REALLY STOP.

OK. DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL?

[exclaiming] OH, YEAH.

HELP ME. NO. NO.

HELP ME. HELP ME. OH, OH.

[exclaiming]

OH, GOD! OH, GOD!

OH, BABY. OH, YOU ARE SO HOT.

YEAH. OH, YOU ARE SO HOT.

BABY. WHAT A PENIS!

OH, YOU HAVE A GENIUS PENIS.

OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK! YOU KNOW WHAT? STOP IT. STOP IT.

JUST STOP. OK? JUST STOP RIGHT NOW.

JUST STOP. OK?

I WANTED-- I DIDN'T WANNA SAY ANYTHING BUT, UM,

I'M GAY.

YES, I'M GAY. I'M--I'M GAY. I'M GAY, GIRL.

CASSANDRA, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M NOT GONNA TEMPT YOU.

I'LL MOVE RIGHT ALONG. YEAH, YEAH.

HI. DO YOU WANNA DO THE HUMPITY-DUMP

THE WHIP OR THERE'S THE NOSE SUCK?

NO, I'LL JUST-- I'LL JUST TAKE THE HUMPITY--

[razzing]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

CASSANDRA, I'M ACTUALLY GAY, TOO.

REALLY GAY.

I THOUGHT FOR SURE HE WAS THE BOYFRIEND.

MMM-HMM. IT'S ME.

MOVING ON. I'M GONNA MOVE RIGHT ON. OKEY-DOKEY.

HI.

HEY. WHAT'S UP, HONEY?

SO, ME, HIS BOYFRIEND? NO.

ACTUALLY, I'M MORE MAN THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE.

OK, IF YOU SAY SO.

[zipper unzipping]

HI, LITTLE FELLA.

LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN STAND UP STRAIGHT FOR MAMA.

DON'T BE A BAD BOY.

[cooing] STOP. OUCH.

LISTEN, HONEY, I'M HIS BOYFRIEND.

YOU 2-TIMING LITTLE SLUT.

YOU'RE GAY, TOO?

POWER GAY.

GIRL, YOU ALL JUST RELAX.

(Cassandra) WELL,

I KNOW THERE'S ONE GUY ON THIS BUS WHO LIKES GIRLS.

[bell rings]

IT'S CASSANDRA.

YEAH.

AND I SAVED MY BEST FOR LAST.

IT'S MY MONKEY ROUTINE, AND YOU'RE THE BANANA.

[imitating monkey]

NO. OH, OH, GOD!

[groaning]

[screaming]

(Nathan) WHERE IS VEGAS?

(Eli) UH, NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING, BUT WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?

(Ash) EACH OF US IS IN CHARGE OF ONE PART OF THIS WEEKEND.

I'VE ARRANGED FOR A LITTLE OUTDOOR FUN.

ISN'T THIS GREAT?

[laughing]

WAIT.

YOU BROUGHT US ALL THE WAY OUT HERE TO PLAY PAINTBALL?

YEAH.

(man) ALL RIGHT, I HAVE TO GET YOUR RELEASE FORMS

BEFORE I CAN LET YOU OUT ON THE PLAYING FIELD.

YOU SURE YOU WANT THE SPECIAL?

HELL, YEAH.

WAIT. WHAT'S THE SPECIAL?

CHRISSY!

[dogs barking]

[dogs howling]

(Z Bob) WHOA.

BOYS, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET CHRISSY.

SHE IS THE SPECIAL.

ALL RIGHT NOW, CHRISSY HERE GETS A 2-MINUTE HEAD START

AND YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF HUNTING THIS FINE YOUNG FILLY.

EXCUSE ME. WE WHAT, SIR?

THE FIRST ONE OF YOU WHO CAN CLAIM A KILL SHOT

GETS ME ALONE FOR AN HOUR.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT TO ME,

WITH ME,

WOW. ...OR FOR ME.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

ONLY IF YOU GET A KILL SHOT. ON YOUR MARK.

GET SET.

DOWN, BABY, SHE'S MINE.

GO!

GOD DAMN.

IS IT JUST ME, OR DOES ANYBODY ELSE

THINK THIS IS A LITTLE STRANGE?

WELL, YOU COULD JUST STAY HERE WITH ME IF YOU'D PREFER.

*[My Little Birdie by The Nice Device playing]

* MY LITTLE BIRDIE DON'T SING TO ME NO MORE *

(Ash) I'M A BAD MOTHERFUCKER.

[screaming]

YEAH!

GET SOME! GET SOME!

GET SOME!

(Z Bob) YO! THIS IS JUST LIKE MY FAVORITE CANDY JUGGS VIDEO.

WHERE DO YOU THINK I GOT THE IDEA FROM? YOU HAVE THAT VIDEO, TOO?

NO, I STOLE IT FROM YOU. GET SOME!

(Johnny C) HEY. WE'RE NEVER GONNA FIND HER LIKE THIS.

LET'S SPREAD OUT OR SOMETHING.

ALL RIGHT, COOL. YOU GUYS GO THAT WAY, FOX FORMATION.

I'M HEADING THIS WAY. LET'S GO.

(Eli) GUYS. GUYS, WAIT...

YOU GUYS. GUYS.

DON'T SHOOT. YOU WIN.

DAMN STRAIGHT.

[screaming]

WHY-- WHY'D YOU DO THAT?

(Ash) HEY, NOW I GOT ONE QUESTION.

DO I HAVE TO SPLIT THE HOUR WITH THE BACHELOR

OR DO I GET TO HAVE YOU ALL TO MYSELF?

WHAT--

I LOVE DOING THAT.

[groaning]

YOU ARE ROUGH, LITTLE GIRL.

YOU'RE A LITTLE ROUGH, HUH?

YOU'RE A ROUGH ONE.

YOU SEE BOTH OF THEM? WHO'S THAT? WHO ARE YOU?

I'M CHRISSY'S TWIN, MISSY.

(Ash) OH, YEAH.

I ROCK. I ROCK.

I ROCK. I ROCK.

THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT. I ROCK.

CLOTHES OFF.

THEY BOTH HAVE GUNS NOW. WHAT?

YES, OK.

BOTH OF YOU.

THAT'S ALL YOU GOTTA SAY TO ME.

YOU NEED TO START TAKING YOUR-- I HAVE A VERY BAD--

NOW! SHE SHOT ME. SHE SHOT ME. IT HURT. IT HURT.

OK, THAT'S GREAT. START TAKING YOUR CLOTHES OFF.

I HAVE A VERY, VERY BAD-- LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME. ALL RIGHT?

WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT WITH 2 HOT CHICKS. ALL RIGHT?

AND WE ARE ABOUT TO GET NAKED.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

[both groaning]

WHAT THE HELL?

MY DICK! THE BITCH SHOT MY DICK!

TWINS. WHERE?

* MY LITTLE BIRDIE DON'T SING TO ME NO MORE *

TWINS WITH GUNS!

[all screaming]

* RIGHT OUT THE DOOR

* IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU

* SATISFACTION

* OH, OH

* MY LITTLE BIRDIE DON'T SING TO ME NO MORE *

* ALL YOUR LOVE GONE RIGHT OUT THE DOOR *

* OH, OH

* MY LITTLE BIRDIE DON'T SING TO ME NO MORE *

I AM NEVER FORGIVING YOU FOR THIS.

SHUT UP, YOU.

(Nathan) ASH, I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU.

THAT WAS AWESOME.

ARE YOU GUYS OK?

[panting]

DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE'RE OK?

I NEED WEED!

GUYS, COME ON, COME ON. COME ON.

I GOT EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED.

COME ON IN THE BUS. LET'S HURRY, HURRY.

CASSANDRA TO THE RESCUE.

CASSANDRA TO THE RESCUE. SORRY.

WHAT?

(Z Bob) OH, LUCKY US. OUR DRIVER IS WEARING A THONG.

ISN'T THAT THE SAME ONE CASSANDRA WAS WEARING?

(Nathan) OH, YEAH. WORK IT, TED. WORK IT.

YES, WORK IT, TED!

(Nathan) COME ON!

[whooping]

OH, OH, TED. OH, OH, GO, TED. GO.

OH, NO, NO, NO. NO.

OH, GOD! OH, GOD! PLEASE STOP.

PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU.

OH, GOD, I CAN FEEL YOUR BALLS ON MY KNEES.

HEY, COMMANDMENT NUMBER 9: "NO MATTER WHAT GOES WRONG

ALL PARTICIPANTS MUST PERSEVERE."

OH, OH.

BLOW, TED, BLOW.

I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK. YUP.

OH, NO, NO, NO YOU DON'T.

YOU WERE JUST SAYING HOW YOU WANTED TO,

YOU KNOW, PUSH THE BOUNDS OF DECENCY

AND STRETCH OUT OUR MORAL CODE. REMEMBER?

I NEVER SAID THAT.

I WOULD BE GLAD TO STRETCH YOU OUT, BIG BOY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M STRETCHED OUT ALL I WANNA BE, THANK YOU.

DIDN'T YOU SAY YOU WANTED TO EXPERIENCE THE WILDEST AND CRAZIEST

BACHELOR PARTY OF YOUR LIFE?

YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T THE KIND OF WILD AND CRAZY I MEANT.

PUSH IT BACK, PUSH IT BACK, WAY BACK.

I SEE WHERE YOU WANNA TAKE IT.

YOU WANNA TAKE THIS TO THE NEXT LEVEL, HUH, DON'T YOU?

NO! OH, GOD, NOT THE NEXT LEVEL!

OH, I AM GOING RIGHT OFF THE ROAD.

I NEED WEED! I NEED...

DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!

I NEED WEED! I NEED WEED!

ALL RIGHT, DUDE, CHILL OUT. I GET IT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO?

YOU GOT WEED?

BLOW. BLOW.

OH, YEAH. OK.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO MEANS NO. NO MEANS NO, THANK YOU.

SO WHEN'D YOU START SMOKING, PLAYER?

2 MINUTES AGO.

ALL RIGHT.

[cell phone ringing]

HELLO.

(girl) HI, MOMMY.

HI, SWEETIE.

ARE YOU BUSY?

YEAH, I'M AT WORK.

(Ted) YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.

THERE'S NO WEED LIKE GAY WEED.

WHO SAYS THAT?

THEY DO.

[both laughing]

STOP ACTING STUPID. DON'T FUCKING HIT ME AGAIN, ALL RIGHT?

(Ted) WAIT A SECOND.

YOU GUYS AREN'T GAY, ARE YOU?

YOU KNOW, I'M SURE IF WE WEREN'T, WE WOULD BE.

OK, I GOTTA GO. OK. LOVE YOU, TOO, SWEETIE.

I'LL BE BACK TO CHECK ON YOU. OK, BYE.

STRETCH IT OUT, STRETCH IT OUT, WAY OUT.

LOOK AT YOU.

LISTEN, GUYS. I TOTALLY GET WHAT'S GOING ON HERE. OK?

CASSIE WASN'T DOING IT FOR YOU GUYS.

IT HAPPENS SOMETIMES.

LET ME JUST TELL YOU, SHE'S LIKE A LITTLE SISTER TO ME.

AND IF SHE FOUND OUT, IT WOULD TOTALLY BREAK HER HEART.

SO SHE WON'T.

THANKS.

I GOT IT. CHECK THIS OUT.

WHAT'S UP, CAPTAIN CRUNCH?

I'LL HAVE A BOWL OF THAT.

(Ted) OH, YEAH, NICE.

YEAH. GIVE ME SOME OF THAT BIG GAY DICK.

(Ash) YO, TEDDY. TEDDY.

I WANNA BLOW YOU.

I WANNA-- I WANNA BLOW YOU.

OH, I AM GETTING SO HOT

THINKING OF ALL THOSE PENISES TOGETHER.

TED! BREAK OUT THE GERBILS!

BABY, BREAK OUT THE GERBILS!

GERBIL?

I WANNA FEEL HIS WHISKERS IN MY ASS.

YEAH, YEAH. I WANNA-- I WANNA FEEL HIM CRAWLING AROUND,

SCRATCHING AROUND, LITTLE CLAWS.

YEAH, LITTLE NOSES, I WANT THEM UP MY ASS.

OH, I WANT A WHOLE FUCKING RODENT FAMILY UP MY PROLAPSED ANUS, TED!

OH, GOD.

[screaming]

WHAT?

(Z Bob) ALL RIGHT, MY FRIENDS, THE PAST IS BUT PROLOGUE.

THE REAL BACHELOR PARTY IS NOW ABOUT TO BEGIN.

[Z Bob laughing]

(Z Bob) I'M GONNA WIN ABOUT $1 MILLION

OUT OF ALL OF THIS SHIT. ALL OF THIS SHIT.

(Ash) WE'RE REALLY HERE.

HEY, I AM GONNA WIN $25,000 ON THAT ONE AND...

OH, MY GOD.

PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT HALLUCINATING.

WHAT'S UP, Z... JESUS CHRIST.

WHERE DO WOMEN LIKE THAT COME FROM?

SO, WHICH ONE OF YOU HANDSOME STUDS HAPPENS TO BE Z BOB?

UH, THAT WOULD BE ME.

YOUR PARTY PLANNER ASKED ME TO ESCORT YOU UPSTAIRS.

WON'T YOU ALL, PLEASE, FOLLOW ME?

YOU REALLY THINK I'M HANDSOME, HUH?

LET'S DO THIS. CALM IT DOWN.

HEY, YOU GUYS, I THINK WE'RE GOING TO THE PENTHOUSE.

YEAH. NOTHING BUT THE BEST.

YOU BOYS HAVE HIRED THE BEST BACHELOR PARTY PLANNER IN LAS VEGAS.

POSSIBLY THE WORLD.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

[clearing throat] CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

ASK HER. ANYTHING YOU WANT.

IS "SHOWGIRLS" ONE WORD OR IS IT 2?

(Johnny C) OH, ELI.

ONE.

SEE? SEE? YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

[exclaiming]

CAN I ASK YOU BOYS SOMETHING?

ANYTHING.

(Z Bob) ANYTHING YOU WANT.

[elevator stopping]

DID ANY OF YOU HAPPEN TO BRING A DILDO WITH YOU?

[stammering] WAIT. WHAT?

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WHAT DID YOU SAY?

'CAUSE I JUST HAVE THIS CRAZY URGE TO DO A DILDO SHOW FOR YOU.

[all exclaiming] I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU.

CHAPTER 1, PAGE 1, RIGHT THERE.

I GUESS IT'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT.

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT.

MAN, FUCK OSAMA BIN LADEN.

(woman) HERE THEY COME.

HI.

COCKTAILS?

*[music playing on stereo]

THANK YOU.

HEY, YOU GUYS, I MAY HAVE SCREWED UP

A LOT OF THINGS IN THE LAST 4 YEARS,

BUT THIS WEEKEND WILL NOT BE ONE OF THEM.

THIS? THESE ARE ALL FOR US?

*[rap music playing]

(Ash) THIS IS NICE.

HEY, GUYS. ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

MY NAME IS CARMINE T. ANGELO.

AND I AM THE ULTIMATE BACHELOR PARTY PLANNER

AT YOUR SERVICE.

UH, WHAT HAPPENED TO MR. KIDD?

MR. KIDD? MR. KIDD WAS UNAVOIDABLY DETAINED

DUE TO A PRIOR ENGAGEMENT.

GOD DAMN.

[Ash clearing throat]

YOU THE BACHELOR?

HOW COULD YOU TELL?

BECAUSE YOU'RE A LITTLE NERVOUS.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M AN EXPERT.

SO, UH, WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT? HAVE YOUR PICK.

[stammering] HOW DO YOU MEAN?

HOW DO I MEAN?

I MEAN, YOU CAN PICK.

EENIE, MEENIE, MINEY, MOE.

ONE. JUST GET ONE AT A TIME.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL PICK FOR YOU.

*[rap music playing]

PENELOPE. MMM-HMM.

COME ON, I GOT A LITTLE WORK FOR YOU.

ISN'T SHE A DOLL?

HUH? WHICH ONE?

THIS GUY, RIGHT HERE.

HE'S CUTE. OH, DEAR GOD.

YOU AND I ARE GONNA HAVE SOME FUN TONIGHT.

HOLD THAT.

(Ash) MY MAN. DON'T--DON'T LET ME DOWN, MAN.

I THINK SOMEBODY NEEDS A NURSE. WHO NEEDS A NURSE?

(Johnny C) I'M--I'M FEELING KIND OF SICK.

[giggling]

LOOK, UM, YOU'RE REALLY BEAUTIFUL AND EVERYTHING BUT...

I WANT YOU.

OK, GUYS. THESE ARE THE RULES.

YOU CAN LOOK, BUT YOU CANNOT TOUCH.

ONLY THE BACHELOR GETS FULL SERVICE ON NIGHT ONE.

BUT DON'T WORRY, YOU GUYS WILL GET YOURS

WHEN YOUR FRIENDS ARRIVE TOMORROW NIGHT.

TONIGHT IS ALL ABOUT THE BACHELOR,

AND YOU GUYS GOING OUT ON THE TOWN.

I'VE GOT DINNER RESERVATIONS FOR YOU GUYS AT DRAI'S,

TICKETS TO THE BIG FIGHT,

AND A BACKSTAGE PASS TO MEET MY VERY DEAR, PERSONAL FRIEND,

MR. WAYNE NEWTON.

[woman laughing]

DID YOU JUST SAY WAYNE NEWTON?

NO, I SAID FIG NEWTON.

WE HAVE BACKSTAGE PASSES TO SEE WAYNE NEWTON? IN PERSON?

THAT'S WHAT I SAID. LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

YOU'RE A LITTLE DRUNK THERE. ARE YOU 21?

YOU GOTTA BE 21 TO GO-- YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT, I'M 21, SIR.

OK. GOOD FOR YOU. YOU ARE GODDAMN RIGHT.

I AM MEETING THAT MAN.

OH, OK, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. ALL RIGHT. NO.

OH, WELL, YOU DON'T WANNA DISAPPOINT YOUR FRIENDS.

DO YOU?

[moaning]

HOLY SHIT.

YOU DON'T REALLY THINK HE'S ACTUALLY

DOING ANYTHING WITH HER, DO YOU?

I SURE THE HELL HOPE SO.

YEAH?

[Nathan moaning]

THEN, DEPENDING WHAT YOU GUYS ARE IN THE MOOD FOR,

I'VE GOT YOU ON THE V.I.P. LIST AT LIGHT, WHISKEY BAR

AND THE EMPEROR'S CLUB AT THE CRAZY HORSE TOO

FOR A PRIVATE LAP DANCE.

LOOK. I--I CAN'T.

SURE YOU CAN.

NO, REALLY.

LOOK, I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE THE HOTTEST WOMAN THAT'S EVER WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME,

BUT I JUST CAN'T.

YOU REALLY LOVE YOUR FIANCEE THAT MUCH, HUH?

THAT MUCH AND THEN SOME.

WELL, MORE POWER TO YOU.

THEN WHAT ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS?

AND NOW, TO GET THE NIGHT STARTED OFF RIGHT,

HERE ARE SOME HOUSE CHIPS FOR YOU GUYS TO GAMBLE WITH.

WHAT ARE HOUSE CHIPS?

WELL, YOU PLAY THEM JUST LIKE REGULAR CHIPS

BUT YOU DON'T CASH THEM IN UNTIL YOU PLAY THEM AT LEAST ONCE.

GO TO TABLE 4, PIT 5.

JUST DON'T DRAW TOO MUCH ATTENTION.

(Penelope) MORE! NATHAN, GIVE ME MORE!

A LITTLE WORD OF ADVICE, BOYS.

ALWAYS LEAVE THEM BEGGING FOR MORE.

LET'S GO GAMBLE.

ALL RIGHT, NATHAN!

[all cheering]

(all) BACHELOR! BACHELOR!

BACHELOR! BACHELOR! BACHELOR!

MAN, RIGHT THERE, THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.

"DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT." OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

[all cheering]

HE'S BLOWING! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

EASY.

(Johnny C) NEXT, JOHN. NEXT, JOHN.

I'M GONNA PUT $2,000 ON A HARD 8.

ARE YOU WITH ME?

YEAH, BABY.

THIS ONE'S FROM JOHNNY C, FROM YOU TO ME.

THIS IS FOR YOU.

THANK YOU!

(all) ELI! ELI! ELI! ELI! ELI!

(Johnny C) THAT WORKS. THAT WORKS, BABY. THAT WORKS.

THROW THE DICE.

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

OH, HELLO, LOVE.

PASS IT DOWN. TAKE ONE DOWN.

PASS IT AROUND.

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE TAKING A TIME OUT.

(man) GENTLEMEN.

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU GUYS, FOR REAL.

(Johnny C) YEAH, BABY.

ALL RIGHT. LET ME GET THAT ON A--

GENTLEMEN. GATHER UP YOUR CHIPS AND COME WITH US, PLEASE.

I THINK WE'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT

HOW THE HIGH ROLLERS GET TREATED, BOYS. LET'S GO.

LADIES, HAVE FUN. TO THE HOUSE.

FUCK.

YOU KNOW-- TAKE IT EASY, GUYS.

HERE'S YOUR $50. YEAH.

LET'S GO.

HEY, SIR. SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

BUT, SIR, YOU TOLD ME THAT--

WHAT DID I JUST SAY? I OUGHT TO PUT THIS OUT IN YOUR FUCKING EAR.

WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

ANSWER ME OR, I SWEAR TO GOD,

I'LL RIP YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF

AND USE YOUR NECK FOR AN ASHTRAY.

BUT, SIR, FIRST YOU TELL ME TO SHUT MY MOUTH,

THEN YOU TELL ME TO ANSWER YOU.

IF I DO ONE, I CAN'T DO THE OTHER.

IT'S A QUANDARY. THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWER.

IT'S A TEST OF CHARACTER, AND YOU FAILED, YOU MORON.

OK, BOYS, NOW IT'S YOUR TURN.

OUR--OUR TURN FOR WHAT?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ONE CHANCE

TO COME CLEAN WITH ME, AND THEN WE'RE GOING OLD SCHOOL, OK?

WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

YOU KNOW, GOD DAMN IT! YOU HAVE THE FUCKING NERVE

TO COME INTO MY JOINT, RIP ME OFF,

AND THEN YOU COME INTO MY OFFICE

AND YOU LIE TO ME TO MY FACE?

SIR, WE--WE REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

WE'RE NOT LYING, AND WE DEFINITELY

WOULDN'T TRY AND STEAL FROM YOU.

OH, YEAH? YEAH? NO.

LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING, GUYS.

YOU SEE THIS? YOU SEE THESE? YEAH.

[buzzing] THESE ARE REAL CHIPS. YOU SEE THAT?

UH-HUH.

THESE ARE THE CHIPS THAT YOU STARTED WITH.

[beeping]

WE DIDN'T KNOW, OK? THEY WERE GIVEN TO US.

BY WHO? CARMINE T. ANGELO, THE BACHELOR PARTY PLANNER.

CARMINE T. ANGELO.

WHO? HE'S A FRIEND OF MR. KIDD. I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD OF HIM.

YEAH, I'VE HEARD OF HIM. HE'S A LEGEND IN THIS TOWN,

EXCEPT ONE LITTLE PROBLEM.

HE DIED 2 DAYS AGO.

YOU WANNA COME UP WITH ANOTHER STORY? WANNA TRY AGAIN?

HE'S DEAD?

GET OUT OF HERE.

IT'S NOT A STORY. SIR, WE...

CAN YOU CALL PENTHOUSE 17, PLEASE?

YEAH--YEAH, JUST TALK TO HIM.

WE'LL BE COOL. WE'LL BE COOL. WE'LL BE FINE.

THIS IS NOT OUR FAULT.

(Eli) LOOK, IT'S YOUR FAULT. SHUT UP.

ELI. ELI.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO CHILL.

ELI. ELI.

ELI, WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR 5 SECONDS?

(Eli) WE USED COUNTERFEIT CHIPS IN A CASINO IN LAS VEGAS.

THERE'S NOBODY IN PENTHOUSE 17.

[exclaiming]

AND THERE'S NO CARMINE T. ANGELO REGISTERED

ANYWHERE IN THE HOTEL.

(Ash) GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, MAN.

WHY IN THE HELL DID I PUT YOU IN CHARGE OF THIS WEEKEND?

NO, LISTEN TO ME, LISTEN TO ME. WHY?

PLEASE, PLEASE. I'M NOT LYING, OK. WE WERE THERE AN HOUR AGO.

WAIT. LOOK. THAT'S HIM! THAT'S HIM!

HEY, HEY. THAT'S HIM! RIGHT THERE! LOOK. THAT'S THE GUY.

THAT'S CARMINE.

THAT IS CARMINE T. ANGELO RIGHT THERE.

THAT GUY? (all) YEAH, YEAH.

THAT GUY? THAT'S THE GUY YOU MET? YEAH.

THAT GUY? HIS REAL NAME IS DOMINIC CALCUTTA.

HE'S ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST WANTED CASINO THIEVES.

WHAT? WHAT?

OH, WONDERFUL.

(casino owner) WE HAVE A CODE RED. CALCUTTA. CASINO THIEVES.

STAY CALM. STAY CALM.

PIT 5, TABLE 4. I'M ON MY WAY.

(Ash) WE GONNA--

LISTEN, THESE GUYS MIGHT BE WORKING WITH CALCUTTA.

NO.

IF THEY TRY TO LEAVE, I WANT YOU TO GUT THEM LIKE FUCKING PIGS

AND TAKE THESE COUNTERFEIT CHIPS

AND SHOVE THEM RIGHT UP THEIR LONG INTESTINES.

SIR, SIR, SIR. WE'RE NOT WORKING WITH CALCUTTA.

WE'RE NOT WORKING WITH ANYBODY.

[all chattering]

OK, I'M SORRY, BUT WE'RE GONNA GET OUT OF THIS.

HEY, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, HUH? HOW COULD YOU HAVE KNOWN THAT

YOU HIRED A NOTORIOUS CASINO ROBBER TO PLAN MY BACHELOR PARTY?

SHIT. THIS IS MY FAULT.

YEAH, IT IS. YOUR FAULT AGAIN.

AND THE REST OF US, WE'RE NOT GONNA FORGIVE YOU, BRO.

NEVER, NEVER AGAIN. LOOK, CHILL, OK?

NEVER AGAIN. ELI!

CALM DOWN, BRO.

HEY, DON'T FORGET COMMANDMENT NUMBER 7:

"NO MATTER WHAT GOES WRONG, ALL PARTICIPANTS MUST PERSEVERE."

NUMBER 9.

YEAH. AND DON'T FORGET IT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST WE DO, HUH?

WELL,

THERE'S--THERE'S 5 OF US, RIGHT?

AND THERE'S ONLY 2 OF THEM.

I SAY WE TAKE THEM.

GOOD PLAN. ANY OTHER IDEAS?

OH, GOD! OH, MY GOD! LOOK!

(man) WE BETTER GO CHECK THIS OUT.

WHAT IS THAT? (Z Bob) OH, MY GOD.

TELL ME WHAT THAT IS.

THIS IS NOT GOOD. YOU GUYS, THIS IS NOT GOOD.

[gun firing] OH, MY GOD.

ELI, ELI, ELI. DID YOU DO THAT? DID YOU DO THAT?

NO! ELI, CALM DOWN.

ELI, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

GUESS WHO GOT US INTO THIS, TOO.

THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

(Ash) HEY, GUYS.

GO, GO, GO, GO.

(Ash) COMING THROUGH.

[cutlery shattering]

(Ash) IT'S LOCKED.

(Eli) IT'S NOT AN EXIT.

HEY, WHAT'S THE HURRY? YOUR WIFE WANT YOU?

(Ash) SOMEBODY NEEDS TO CLEAN THIS SHIT UP.

NO, NO, NO! MY SOUFFLE!

[door opening]

(woman) WATCH OUT!

(man) SLOW DOWN!

MAN, HOW DO WE GET OUT OF HERE?

NO, NO. THAT WAY! THAT WAY! THAT WAY!

WE NEED TO FIND TRANSPORTATION.

NOW.

ANY OF YOU GUYS INTERESTED IN JOINING

OUR FRIEND'S LAST WEEKEND AS A BACHELORETTE?

IS THIS A GREAT TOWN OR WHAT? YES, YES, WE ARE.

GET IN.

*[music playing on car stereo]

SO YOU'RE, LIKE, GETTING MARRIED, TOO.

THAT IS JUST SO... YEAH.

DOES YOUR FIANCEE DO THINGS FOR YOU?

LIKE?

OH. YEAH. MMM-HMM. YEAH, SHE'S--SHE'S AMAZING.

BUT DOES SHE DO THE

NAUGHTY THINGS?

[women laughing]

WE REALLY APPRECIATE THE RIDE.

OH, YOU WILL. BELIEVE ME.

[women giggling] YEAH.

[exclaiming]

ANY OF YOU GUYS THIRSTY?

(Z Bob) FUCK, YEAH.

(Johnny C) THANKS.

THAT'S SPECIAL BEER.

WHAT'S SPECIAL BEER?

IT'S BEER MIXED WITH ECSTASY.

WE CALL IT ECSTASY BEER.

CLEVER NAME.

SO,

BEING THAT THIS IS OUR BEST FRIEND'S

LAST WEEKEND AS A SINGLE WOMAN AND ALL,

WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU'D,

YOU KNOW.

[laughing] YOU--YOU KNOW, WHAT?

SHOW US YOUR DICKS.

THAT'D BE NO. OH, COME ON. WHY NOT?

OH, BECAUSE--

BECAUSE WHY? YEAH, WHY?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHY?

WILL IT REALLY MAKE YOU HAPPY?

OH, YES.

NOW WILL YOU BE ABLE TO GO HOME,

GET MARRIED, LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER

NO, NO. ...WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT

COMPLETE AND TOTAL STRANGERS HAVE SHOWED YOU THEIR PENIS?

YES!

"TO VARYING DEGREES OF PUBLIC HUMILIATION

DURING THE BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND." NO WAY, I'M NOT DOING IT.

(Johnny C) YOU'RE DOING IT, MAN. NOBODY'S CHICKENING OUT.

COME ON, YOU DIRTY BITCH, LET'S DO THIS.

WE'RE GONNA DROP TROU ON 3, YOU GUYS, READY?

ALL RIGHT, COME ON, FUCK THIS. ON 3, BOYS.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

COME ON. COME ON, FUCKER! WE'RE SHOWING COCK.

YES!

WE'RE SHOWING COCK!

MY GOD, THIS IS SO WRONG. SO WRONG.

[women exclaiming] (Z Bob) 1.

THIS IS SO WRONG.

THIS IS SO WRONG.

2.

FORGIVE ME.

2 AND A HALF.

(women) OH!

3, 2, 1!

[exclaiming]

(Eli) WHAT'S SO FREAKING FUNNY?

WHAT?

WOW. AWESOME.

THANKS SO MUCH, YOU GUYS.

[tires screeching]

(woman #1) BYE, TINY.

[women laughing]

(woman #2) BYE.

DID YOU SEE THOSE LITTLE THINGS?

THOSE WERE THE SMALLEST WIENERS I'VE EVER SEEN.

CAN'T BELIEVE THEY WERE DISSING OUR JOHNSONS.

FAT GIRLS ARE DISSING OUR JOHNSONS.

FAT, WASTED GIRLS.

THAT'S IT.

WHAT'S IT?

THEY'RE WASTED.

THE--THE ALCOHOL AND THE ECSTASY, IT DISTORTS THEIR VISION.

UM, LOOK AT-- LOOK AT ME.

LOOK AT ME.

DON'T I LOOK SMALLER TO YOU?

DON'T I LOOK SMALLER THAN I DO IN REAL LIFE? I GUESS. WHOA.

WHOA.

DUDE, SERIOUSLY. I GUESS. I GUESS.

OK, THEN, THAT'S IT.

IT WASN'T US, IT WAS THEM.

IT WAS THEM.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS,

BUT I'M READY TO GO BACK TO CHICAGO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NATHAN. THE ONLY PLACE YOU'RE GOING IS WHERE WE TAKE YOU.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU GUYS MEAN WELL, OK? HEY.

SO WE'VE HAD A FEW SETBACKS.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PUT Z BOB IN CHARGE OF THE WEEKEND.

I'VE GOT OTHER RESPONSIBILITIES NOW, OK?

IT'S LIKE--

NOT YET YOU DON'T. YOU OWE US.

GUYS, SERIOUSLY.

LISTEN TO ME. TURN AROUND AND LOOK.

LOOK. WE'RE HERE.

AND WE'RE NOT LEAVING THIS NIGHT

OR THIS WEEKEND OR ANY OF THAT SHIT

UNTIL WE SAY WE ARE. ALL RIGHT? LET'S GO.

Z'S RIGHT. EXCUSE ME.

[whistles]

HEY. HEY!

HEY. I'M NOT TRYING TO GET WITH YOU,

I JUST LOVE YOU. ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ALL.

(Z Bob) HEY, WE ALL LOVE EACH OTHER. SHOTGUN.

NO SHOTGUN.

I WANNA MEET THAT GUY.

WHO LIKES THE CAR? GET IN THE CAR.

WAIT. DO IT SMOOTH. DO IT SMOOTH. GET HIM IN THE CAR.

SMOOTH. IF YOU PUSH ME IN SMOOTHLY

THAT'S BETTER. ...I'LL GET IN.

YOU'LL TAKE IT. I LOVE YOU.

[shushing] I LOVE YOU.

GET IN THE CAR! JESUS!

I LOVE YOU.

(Johnny C) LET'S ROLL.

NOW I BET YOU GUYS WERE WONDERIN'

WHAT MY CONTRIBUTION TO THIS WEEKEND WAS GONNA BE.

GENTLEMEN, WE ARE GOING TO VISIT A PORN SET.

OH, MY GOD, THIS IS THAT HARD ENTERTAINMENT?

THAT HARD ENTERTAINMENT.

I HAVE, LIKE, 50 OF THEIR VIDEOS.

50?

IS THAT A LITTLE OR A LOT?

[mumbling]

HEY, STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO JUST ANY PORN SET HERE.

WE ARE GONNA WATCH MISS CANDY JUGGS HERSELF.

OH, MY GOD, I LOVE CANDY JUGGS, DUDE!

I LOVE HER, TOO!

ASH, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, LET'S--LET'S DO THIS.

I'M COOL!

[doorbell buzzing] FUCKING HOT OUT THIS BITCH, THOUGH, ISN'T IT?

[women giggling]

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

I'M JOHNNY C.

I'M--I'M LOOKING FOR HARRY.

YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING RIGHT AT HIM.

YOU'RE HARRY HARD?

THE ONE AND ONLY.

COME ON, GET YOUR ASSES IN HERE BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND.

COME ON, YOU SWEET LITTLE BOYS, YOU.

COME ON.

(Candy) VENUS, YOU LITTLE SLUT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU STARTED WITHOUT ME.

I CAN GO HOME NOW.

CUT, CUT, CUT.

GET THE BOOM OUT. WHICH ONE DID YOU WANT?

DOESN'T MATTER. THE BIG--

GET... TAKE THE CAMERA, WILL YOU?

[stammering] WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT? IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME.

Z, BUDDY, YOU'RE SHAKING A LITTLE BIT.

(Candy) WHERE DID YOU GET THIS GUY? OVER THERE, SHE--

WELL, LET'S GO. I'M GONNA HAVE TO...

WHOA. I'M GONNA HAVE TO SEARCH YOU

BEFORE I LET YOU ANY CLOSER TO THE TALENT.

YEAH, SORRY ABOUT THAT. WE'VE HAD A FEW, UM, INCIDENCES RECENTLY

AND WE'VE HAD TO UP SECURITY.

NOTHING BIG.

YOU AND EVERYBODY ELSE.

ARMS AND LEGS TO THE SIDE.

WE'RE JUST GONNA PAT YOU DOWN. SPREAD 'EM.

WE'LL PAT THEM DOWN A LITTLE BIT.

PAT THEM DOWN. JUST A LITTLE--

EXCUSE ME, THOSE ARE MY BALLS, BRO.

[exclaiming] JUST DOING MY JOB.

THANK YOU.

NICE. HE STUCK HIS FINGER IN MY ASS.

HE COULD PUT HIS ENTIRE, UNOILED FIST UP MY ASS, FOR ALL I CARE.

AND YOU-- WEAPONS?

BIG FINISH, HERE.

OH, YOU LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU, HUH?

YOU SMELL DELICIOUS.

ALL RIGHT, LADIES, LADIES, LADIES, COME HERE.

I WANNA INTRODUCE YOU TO SOME OF YOUR BIGGEST FANS HERE.

I'M TRYING TO DIRECT A MOVIE HERE.

YOU CALL THAT DIRECTING? THIS IS SHIT, BUDDY.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE DOIN' A TERRIBLE GODDAMN JOB.

I COULD HAVE A CHIMP DO WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

FORGET IT. I QUIT.

YOU QUIT? GET OUT OF HERE. YOU'RE FIRED.

YOU CAN'T EVEN WORK WITH A DILDO.

GOD DAMN IT, I'LL USE YOU AS A FUCKING DILDO.

SORRY. ASSHOLE.

WHERE WERE WE?

HELLO, BOYS.

HOT.

YOU'RE HERE FOR A BACHELOR PARTY. HUH?

[stammering] HOW COULD YOU TELL

THAT WE'RE HERE FOR A BACHELOR PARTY?

I'M A VETERAN AT THIS.

(Harry) OH, LITTLE HARDER. LITTLE HARDER.

OH, WELL, THAT'S NEW. REALLY HARD.

[groaning]

NOT THAT HARD. AM I BLEEDING?

SO WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE

TO WATCH ME DO TO HER FIRST?

YEAH. OR ME. YOU KNOW, I'M AVAILABLE.

I MEAN, A LOT OF THE GUYS GET OFF ON THAT SORT OF STUFF.

[motorcycle engines revving] I USED TO DO A THING CALLED A 3-LEGGED--

OH, SHIT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "OH, SHIT"?

OH, SHIT. OH, SHIT.

(Iceman) I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, CANDY.

OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!

GO AWAY ICEMAN. CANDY AIN'T HERE.

I HAVEN'T SEEN HER ALL DAY.

(man) HEY, CHUCK, THAT'S BULLSHIT.

[Iceman grunting]

BY ICEMAN, HE DOESN'T MEAN,

LIKE, THE ICEMAN, CHUCK LIDDELL, DOES HE?

WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK HE MEANS?

[pounding on door]

YEAH, YOU KNOW, MAYBE--MAYBE YOU GUYS

SHOULD GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

YEAH, MY BOYFRIEND GETS A LITTLE JEALOUS IF ANYONE WATCHES.

YOUR BOYFRIEND IS CHUCK LIDDELL?

(Iceman) IF SHE'S GOT ANY VISITORS, I'M GONNA KILL THEM ALL.

IF SHE'S GOT ANY VISITORS--

YEAH, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO THAT WAY.

HEY, LOOK, I JUST REALLY WANTED TO TELL YOU

BEFORE WE GO THAT I REALLY ENJOY YOUR WORK

AND THAT I THINK YOU'RE VERY TALENTED.

AND I'VE JERKED OFF TO YOU LIKE 4,000 TIMES.

YOU COUNTED. YEAH.

HOW SWEET.

(Iceman) I WARNED YOU ABOUT THIS SHIT.

[exclaiming]

UM, LOOK, I JUST GOTTA CHECK SOMETHING REALLY QUICKLY.

(Iceman) I'M DONE PLAYING.

HOLY SHIT, YOU REALLY DO TASTE LIKE MY FAVORITE

BREAKFAST SANDWICH. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

(Ash) HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS.

IT'S THE BEAUTIFUL-EST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!

YOU GUYS CAN GO AND DO WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS YOU WANNA DO,

BUT I AM GOING ON THE NEXT PLANE BACK TO CHICAGO.

(Eli) I NEED WATER OR SOME TYPE OF LIQUID.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

SOME TYPE OF LIQUID OR SOMETHING.

WAIT.

(Nathan) OH, MY GOD.

OH, LOOK AT THE CLOWN.

I'M SORRY I HAVE TO DO THIS TO YOU. THE CLOWN.

I AM SORRY. WHAT? WHAT?

[groans]

YOU SOBER?

THAT WAS NOT COOL.

DO IT AGAIN.

[screams]

OK?

CALL ME A NAUGHTY WHORE.

I'M JOKING. (Iceman) THEY'RE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

I'M READY NOW. LET'S GO.

I'M READY.

WAIT, NO. HERE, I KNOW. STEP LIKE THIS. GO.

OH, GOD.

HERE.

THERE YOU GO. GO.

HURRY UP.

SORRY, BUDDY.

OH, MAN.

YEAH.

OH, GOD.

(Ash) COME ON! THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER!

OH, GOD, THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER.

OH! I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT.

OH, MAN, FUCK OSAMA BIN LADEN.

WE SHOULDN'T BE OUT IN THE OPEN LIKE THIS.

WE GOTTA CALL A CAB. NO RECEPTION.

OH, THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG WALK.

NO, NOT NECESSARILY. COME ON. COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

(Nathan) OH, WE'RE DEAD. WE'RE DEAD.

DON'T RUN.

EXCUSE ME. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD GIVE US A RIDE?

DAMN! BOYS, DON'T BE SNEAKING UP ON ELVIS LIKE THAT.

(Z Bob) YOU'RE ELVIS?

(Eli) EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, IS THAT SPAGHETTI?

OF COURSE IT IS. I'M THE WORLD FAMOUS

SPAGHETTI-WRESTLING SHE-ELVIS.

YOU MEAN YOU BOYS NEVER HEARD OF ME?

HEY, YOU BOYS HEAR A CASINO GOT ROBBED TONIGHT?

(Nathan) UH, CAN'T SAY WE HAVE. WHAT?

YEAH.

WHAT? WHICH ONE?

THE GOLDEN NUGGET. YOU KNOW, THE G-NUG.

BAD GUYS GOT $5 MILLION, RIGHT?

POLICE CAPTURED THEM, KILLED EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM.

$5 MILLION?

YEAH. HERE'S THE PISSER.

THEY DIDN'T RECOVER ONE RED CENT OF THAT CASH.

(Eli) THAT'S HIM. THAT'S HIM.

OH, SHIT.

(Johnny C) WE GOTTA HIDE. WE GOTTA HIDE.

YOU'RE CHUCK LIDDELL, THE ICEMAN.

SPAGHETTI. SPAGHETTI.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

[all yelling]

COVER ME.

(woman) COAST IS CLEAR.

YOU BOYS CAN COME UP FOR AIR NOW.

YOU KNOW, I SURE HATE TO DO THIS TO YOU BOYS

BUT I'M HAVING SOME REAL BAD MONEY PROBLEMS.

YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

[Eli yells]

I AM.

I'M GONNA GO AHEAD AND SAY SHE'S SERIOUS.

(Z Bob) WHAT'RE YOU DOING?

GET OUT OF THE TRUCK, EMPTY YOUR POCKETS.

FILL THIS BAG.

NOW!

(all) ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. OK. OK. OK. OK.

(Z Bob) OK, HERE, GRAB MY HAND.

COME ON, WHAT DO YOU GOT?

MONEY? CELL PHONES?

YOU WANT THE BEADS, TOO?

YOU WANT THE BEADS, TOO?

IN THE BAG. YOU DON'T NEED THE--

PUT THE BEADS IN THE BAG!

MY MAMA GAVE ME THESE BEADS.

I PUT ALL MY CHANGE AT THE VENDING MACHINE.

ALL OF IT! THERE YOU GO.

DO IT! (Eli) OK.

(Eli) SHE'S READY...

DON'T SHOOT ME.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

IS THIS TOWN GREAT OR WHAT?

(Nathan) THAT'S IT! ENOUGH! OK?

WHAT DID I DO, HUH?

WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO POSSIBLY WRONG?

WELL, YOU DID PUT Z BOB IN CHARGE.

OH, DUDE, COME ON, LIKE IT'S MY FAULT

WE'RE BEING CHASED AROUND BY SOME ULTIMATE FIGHTER GUY?

HOW COULD I HAVE POSSIBLY KNOWN

THAT CANDY JUGGS HAD A JEALOUS BOYFRIEND

WHO WAS GONNA COME AND TRY TO KILL US?

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW CARMINE T. ANGELO

WAS REALLY DOMINIC CALCUTTA, THE CASINO THIEF GUY?

WELL, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW

THAT THOSE 2 TWINS WAS GONNA JUMP OUT

AND SHOOT ME IN MY ASS?

NO OFFENSE, GUYS, BUT THIS IS THE WORST BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND EVER.

I GUESS I GOTTA GET USED TO THE FACT THAT

I'M NEVER GONNA BE AS COOL AS MY BROTHERS.

Z BOB, NEWS FLASH.

YOUR BROTHERS AREN'T THAT COOL.

WITH FRIENDS LIKE YOU, HEY, NO WONDER I'M GETTING MARRIED.

I GOT SPAGHETTI IN MY ASS.

RIGHT--RIGHT DOWN THE CRACK OF MY ASS.

(Z Bob) OH, DUDE.

(Nathan) GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

OH, FUCK. OK, GO.

THERE THEY ARE. LET'S GO HAVE SOME FUN.

(Nathan) THE DOOR IS LOCKED, COME ON.

(Ash) DUDE, COME ON.

(Z Bob) COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

ONE MORE.

(Ash) CLOSE THE DOOR.

(Iceman) CHECK EVERY ONE OF THESE DOORS.

THEY CAN RUN, BUT THEY CAN'T HIDE.

[motorcycle engines starting]

YEAH, THEY'RE GONE. SSH.

THEY'RE GONE, NATHAN.

(Nathan) YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

THEY COULD STILL BE OUT THERE.

*[music playing]

COME ON, DUDE.

SORRY.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? IF THEY WERE HERE, WE'D ALREADY BE DEAD.

(Nathan) OH, NOW WHAT?

IT'S, UH, IT'S LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE.

YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.

[exclaims]

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY FAN OUT, AND WE'LL JUST FIND THE LIGHT

SO WE CAN TELL WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON AROUND HERE.

OF COURSE.

[clattering]

NATHAN, NATHAN, HEY, HEY. YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS? I GOT THIS. I GOT THIS.

EXCUSE ME, LADIES.

[Johnny C yelling]

[Johnny C groaning] YEAH, YOU'VE GOT IT, ALL RIGHT.

(Nathan) YOU OK?

NEVER BETTER. THANKS.

GOOD. NOW, LOOK, THERE'S GOTTA BE ANOTHER WAY OUT.

(Eli) COME ON.

COME ON, OPEN.

OPEN, 'CAUSE I'M HERCULES, I'M STRONG.

OR NOT.

LOOK, IF YOU GUYS DON'T WANNA TALK TO ME

AFTER THIS WEEKEND, I UNDERSTAND.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN?

THIS WEEKEND AND EVERYTHING ELSE I SCREWED UP.

I MEAN, IF I WERE YOU, I WOULDN'T WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH ME, EITHER.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT US.

IF WE WOULD'VE STOPPED BEING FRIENDS

BECAUSE OF SOMETHING YOU SCREWED UP,

WE WOULD'VE DONE IT A LONG TIME AGO.

YEAH, BUT I'M A TOTAL LOSER.

WHAT AM I?

LOOK, NATHAN, I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED.

IF I WERE YOU, I'D DO IT, TOO.

MAYBE I'M SCARED I'D NEVER MEET MY LISA, OR MY HALF-AS-COOL-AS-LISA.

MAYBE I'M SCARED OF BEING ALONE.

WHO ISN'T, BRO, YOU KNOW?

TO TELL THE TRUTH, I'VE ALWAYS KIND OF EXPECTED TO END UP ALONE.

I MEAN, I'M NOT THE MOST STUDLY GUY IN THE UNIVERSE.

YOU'RE SMART THOUGH, MAN. WOMEN LIKE THAT.

HE'S NOT THAT SMART.

WELL, AT LEAST I DIDN'T CHEAT ON MY S.A.T.s.

NEITHER DID I.

WHY LIE?

SAME REASON YOU TRIED TO JOIN THE MILE HIGH CLUB.

WE ALL TRY TO BE SOMETHING WE'RE NOT.

THAT DID COUNT. NO.

YOU KNOW IT DID.

NO. IT DIDN'T?

YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

I DIDN'T HAVE SEX EARLIER TONIGHT.

I ONLY PRETENDED TO BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT YOU GUYS.

YOU MEAN TO TELL US THEN YOU DIDN'T EVEN

TAKE THE LITTLE 2 FINGERS DOWNSTAIRS

AND PLAY WITH THE LITTLE BATHING SUIT AREA?

WE KNEW THE WHOLE TIME.

WE DID?

YEAH, WE DID.

BUT WE APPRECIATED THE EFFORT,

SO WE WEREN'T GONNA SAY ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE THIS WASN'T

SUCH A BAD BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND AFTER ALL, HUH?

NO, LET'S BE HONEST. IT SUCKED.

OK.

MAN, I'M STARVING.

FIRST THING I'M GONNA EAT WHEN WE GET OUT OF HERE

IS PRIME RIB, MASHED POTATOES,

CANDIED YAMS, SMOTHERED WITH GRAVY. YES.

I'M GONNA TOP THAT. I'M GONNA HAVE MYSELF

A GALLON OF COOKIE-DOUGH ICE CREAM

WITH A NICE BIG CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE ON TOP.

OK.

I'M GONNA DIP IT IN THE COOKIE DOUGH-- IT'S MY TURN.

OH, MAN, YOU DON'T KNOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW.

$0.99 SHRIMP COCKTAIL, 6 TINY LITTLE SHRIMPS

THE LITTLE FACTORY-PROCESSED ONES?

(Johnny C) SHRIMP.

[snoring]

(Z Bob) I MAY HAVE SCREWED UP A LOT OF THINGS IN THE LAST 4 YEARS

[echoing] BUT THIS WEEKEND WILL NOT BE ONE OF THEM.

HEY, EXCUSE ME. THIS IS MY BUDDY NATHAN.

AND IT'S HIS LAST WEEKEND AS A SINGLE GUY.

SAY NO MORE.

(Nathan) YES! YES!

WELL, THANKS FOR THE GREAT BACHELOR PARTY.

I'M GOING HOME NOW.

YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

(Z Bob) YES.

OH, NO, NO, NO, HEY.

EXCUSE ME, WHY ARE WE SHIFTING TO HIM? THIS IS MY DREAM.

ALL RIGHT, THE PANTIES, BUT CAN WE SEE WHAT THEY CAME OFF OF?

(Nathan) WAKE UP.

NO, NO, DON'T WAKE ME UP.

NO. NO, I HAVEN'T GOT LAID YET.

YOU CAN'T WAKE-- DON'T WAKE-- DON'T WAKE ME UP.

WAKE UP. WAKE UP.

(Nathan) COME ON, WAKE UP.

GET YOUR ASS UP. COME ON.

GET YOUR... WAKE UP.

COME ON. WAKE UP. (Nathan) WAKE UP, COME ON.

WHOEVER IS PISSING ON ME IS A DEAD MAN.

GET UP.

WHERE'D YOU GET A MOP?

I FOUND A BUCKET OUTSIDE.

OUTSIDE?

(Nathan) ASH, WAKE UP.

ASH, WAKE UP.

I'M UP.

LOOK, I FOUND A BACK DOOR.

LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

HEY, ELI. I FOUND A WAY OUT.

YOU'RE CLEAN.

YEAH, THERE'S A MOP AND BUCKET OUT BACK.

[spluttering]

OH, GOD.

[moaning]

HEY, WHAT THE--

THERE WE GO. GET ME OFF. GET IT OFF.

OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.

HARDER, HARDER, HARDER, HARDER.

OH, MY GOD.

NO, NO, IT'S A MOP, DUDE. IT'S A MOP, MOP.

ALL RIGHT.

JESUS. FOR A SECOND, MAN, I THOUGHT...

I THOUGHT FOR A SECOND...

RIGHT HERE. YEAH, HERE WE GO, DUDE.

THERE WE GO.

OH, YEAH.

RELAX, E, THERE'S NO DOG.

THERE WE GO.

[growling]

SO, ELI, YOU FIGURED OUT HOW WE'RE GONNA GET OUT OF HERE?

WE'RE COMPLETELY FENCED IN, AND WE'RE SURROUNDED BY RAZOR WIRE.

YOU'RE NOT THINKIN' WE'RE ACTUALLY

GONNA CLIMB THAT FENCE, DO YOU?

NO.

JOHNNY?

(Z Bob) HEY, JOHNNY C, YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN?

JOHNNY, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

DUDE, ARE YOU OK?

[Johnny C screaming]

[all screaming]

[laughs]

YOU GUYS ARE PATHETIC.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

(Johnny C) COME ON.

(Eli) HEY, YOU GUYS, YOU DON'T THINK

THERE'S ANY RATS DOWN HERE, DO YOU?

(Ash) ELI, FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, COULD YOU JUST NOT BE A GIRL?

(Z Bob) WHAT THE FUCK IS...

PLEASE, DON'T TELL ME THERE'S ANY HEADS IN THERE, OK?

WELL?

YOU CAN RELAX, ELI. IT'S NOT SEVERED HEADS.

HOLY... SHIT!

OH, MY GOD!

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THIS IS, RIGHT?

THAT'S THE MONEY THAT WAS STOLEN FROM THE CASINO LAST NIGHT.

THAT'S $5 MILLION.

THE PEOPLE THAT STOLE THIS--

THEY'RE ALL DEAD!

WHICH MEANS WE'RE THE ONLY ONES WHO KNOW WHERE THIS IS.

YES! HOLY SHIT!

OH, MY GOD!

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MEANS? WE'RE RICH!

CALM DOWN. WE'RE RICH!

(Ash) WHOA!

(Eli) WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHAT?

HOLD UP.

JUST, LET'S THINK ABOUT THIS FOR A SECOND.

JUST CALM DOWN AND JUST TRY TO THINK ABOUT IT.

OK? OK. YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.

THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE

THAT WOULD KILL FOR THIS MUCH MONEY.

AM I RIGHT? I THINK HE'S RIGHT.

WHAT THE--

WHOEVER'S NOT COMFORTABLE TAKING THE MONEY

SHOULDN'T BE FORCED INTO TAKING IT.

I'M SURE THE REST OF US WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO SPLIT UP YOUR SHARE

OF $5 MILLION!

$5 MILLION! HOLY SHIT!

[screaming]

(Ash) THERE IS $1 MILLION HERE FOR EACH OF US.

LET'S KEEP MOVING.

1, 2, 3.

[groans]

(Johnny C) COMING UP.

COMING UP.

[grunting]

MAN. GOT HIM.

(Z Bob) YOU KNOW, IF SOMEBODY HAD ASKED ME YESTERDAY,

IF I'D GO THROUGH EVERYTHING

THAT WE WENT THROUGH FOR $1 MILLION, I'D SAY, HELL, YES.

AND THE THINGS THAT I'M GONNA DO WITH THIS MONEY.

2 WORDS FOR YOU FELLAS,

MUTUAL FUNDS.

(Johnny C) YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO WITH MY SHARE OF THE MONEY?

ON RUSH STREET I'M GONNA OPEN UP THE--THE JOHNNY C'S BRA SHOP.

BUT IN THE BACK, IT'LL BE LIKE A STRIP CLUB.

(Ash) WITH THIS MONEY I'M MOVING TO JAMAICA

AND BUY A BIG-ASS FIELD.

I AIN'T GONNA WASTE MY PLANTS.

FUCK IT, THE MALE PLANTS GET SMOKED, TOO.

(Nathan) I'M GONNA GIVE LISA THE BEST WEDDING EVER.

AND SCREW OUR HONEYMOON. I MEAN, HAWAII? SCREW THAT.

I'M GONNA-- I'M GONNA TAKE A WEEK OFF WORK,

AND WE'LL GO TO... NO, I'LL TAKE A YEAR OFF.

OH, SHIT.

YEAH, IT'S OFFICIAL. I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED.

OF COURSE YOU ARE.

NOT IF I'M IN PRISON.

HEY, FOR THE RECORD, MEN IN PRISON GET MARRIED EVERY DAY.

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE COMFORTING?

RELAX. RELAX GUYS. NOBODY'S GOING TO JAIL.

WELL, THAT'S ALL I'M DOING IS WALKING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? ALL I'M DOING IS WALKING RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I'M JUST WALKING.

JUST WALKING. WALKING.

[siren wailing]

WE'RE RUNNING.

ALL RIGHT, RUN! I LIED, RUN!

GUYS!

YOU CAN'T RUN FROM THE POLICE!

OH, MY GOD!

OK, GET DOWN.

DON'T MOVE!

STAY RIGHT THERE.

(officer #1) OK. OK. DON'T MOVE.

FACE-DOWN. (officer #2) STAY RIGHT THERE.

(Johnny C) MAN--

(boys) WE KNOW. FUCK OSAMA BIN LADEN.

YOU SAID YOUR IDENTIFICATION IS WHERE AGAIN?

LIKE I TOLD YOU, MY WALLET WAS STOLEN.

BY A FEMALE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR? YES.

SHE'S ALSO A SPAGHETTI WRESTLER.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID, A VERY FAMOUS ONE.

UH-HUH.

SHE'S SO FAMOUS, HOW COME I HAVEN'T HEARD OF HER?

WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THAT PART OF TOWN?

WE GOT LOST.

YOU DIDN'T STOP BY THE SET OF A PORNO MOVIE, DID YOU?

US? NO. JEEZ, I MEAN, I WISH.

[stammering] WHY DO YOU ASK?

BECAUSE THE PRODUCER, NAMED HARRY HARD

AND HIS SECURITY GUARD, WERE BEATEN TO DEATH BY A MANIAC.

ARE YOU HONESTLY GONNA TRY TO TELL ME THAT YOU GUYS ARE IN TOWN

FOR A BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND?

WHICH ONE OF YOU WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING MARRIED?

I AM. AT LEAST, I WAS.

WELL, TELL ME ABOUT HER, YOUR FIANCEE.

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, SHE'S--SHE'S SMART, SHE'S FUNNY.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH HER THE FIRST TIME I MET HER.

SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT GIRL.

SHE IS.

TRUTH IS, LISA DESERVES BETTER THAN ME.

WELL, I'VE NEVER MET HER, BUT I--I GOTTA SAY, I AGREE WITH YOU.

DO YOU MIND EXPLAINING TO ME HOW A SUPPOSED BACHELOR PARTY

TURNED INTO ONE OF THE BIGGEST ROBBERIES IN THE HISTORY OF LAS VEGAS?

WE FOUND THE MONEY.

WE HAD NOTHIN' TO DO WITH THE ROBBERY.

THAT'S NOT WHAT THE OWNERS OF THE GOLDEN NUGGET SAY.

WHAT?

HE SAID THE 5 OF YOU

INTENTIONALLY TRIED TO DISTRACT HIM AND HIS SECURITY STAFF.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS. THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

IS IT? 12 PEOPLE ID'D YOU AT THE SCENE.

12 PEOPLE MAKE A JURY.

YOU BETTER THINK ABOUT THAT.

HE SAID HIS NAME WAS CARMINE T. ANGELO.

AND YOU HAD NO IDEA THAT IT WAS DOMINIC CALCUTTA?

HE SAID HE WAS AN ASSOCIATE OF MR. KIDD.

MAY HE REST IN PEACE.

YOU KNEW HIM?

MR. KIDD THREW MY BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND.

THAT'S GREAT.

IT WAS ONE HELL OF A GREAT TIME.

I'M SURE IT WAS.

I GOTTA SAY THAT IT WAS PROBABLY THE GREATEST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE.

HE MADE ALL THE ARRANGEMENTS AND EVERYTHING.

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE BACKSTAGE PASSES TO SEE WAYNE NEWTON.

DID YOU GET TO SEE WAYNE'S SHOW?

NO.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

FOR MY MONEY, WAYNE PUTS ON THE BEST SHOW IN TOWN.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST SAY THAT I BELIEVE YOU FOR A SECOND.

NOW YOU TELL ME, WHY WOULD SOMEONE PLANNING TO ROB A CASINO

PRETEND TO BE A BACHELOR PARTY PLANNER?

TO SET US UP, I GUESS.

WELL, I GUESS IT WORKED, DIDN'T IT?

THAT'S IT, MAN. I'M DONE TALKING.

I'M NOT SAYING ANOTHER THING WITHOUT MY LAWYER.

ALL RIGHT, HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

BUT I'M SURE YOU'LL TALK TO THE FEDS.

LOOK, I SAID... WAIT.

WHY WOULD I BE TALKING TO THE FEDS?

I GUESS YOU DIDN'T HEAR.

F.B.I. AGENT WORKING UNDERCOVER INSIDE THE GOLDEN NUGGET

WAS KILLED LAST NIGHT IN THE ROBBERY.

YOU FELLAS ARE LOOKING AT A MINIMUM

OF CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT MURDER OF A FEDERAL OFFICER.

THAT'S MANDATORY TIME IN A FEDERAL PENITENTIARY.

THIS JUST CAN'T GET ANY WORSE.

OH, YEAH?

YOU EVER DONE ANY TIME?

[stammering] CAN'T SAY THAT I HAVE, NO.

YOU EVER BEEN FUCKED IN THE ASS?

EXCUSE ME?

I HAVE.

OH, YOU BLEED LIKE SHIT THE FIRST TIME.

BUT YOU GET USED TO IT.

YOU GET USED TO A LOT OF THINGS IN PRISON.

LIKE HEARING THE SCREAMS OF DEATH OF SOME POOR FOOL

ECHOING THROUGH THE COLD NIGHT AIR.

WHILE YOU TRYING TO JERK OFF

FOR THE 3RD TIME THAT DAY.

WONDER WHY EVERY NOW AND THEN

YOU FIND YOURSELF THINKING ABOUT YOUR SISTER.

YOU BOYS EVER DONE ANY TIME?

JUST SAY YES.

[phone ringing]

STONE. CHUCK LIDDELL, HOW ARE YOU?

LISTEN, THANKS FOR THOSE SEATS THE OTHER NIGHT AT THE FIGHT.

LOIS AND I HAD A GREAT TIME.

YOU SMELL GOOD.

YOU SO PRETTY.

BACHELOR PARTY T-SHIRTS, HUH?

OK. THANKS FOR THE INFORMATION, CHUCK.

WE'RE JUST ONE HAPPY FAMILY.

OK, BOYS, IT'S TIME TO GO.

TIME TO GO. NO.

SEE YOU.

LET HIM GO!

(Eli) NO!

YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE.

YOU COME ON BACK AND SEE GOLD TOOTH REAL SOON!

GOLD TOOTH GONNA FIND YOU!

NO, OFFICER STONE, I DON'T WANNA TALK TO YOU.

WHY WOULD I WANNA TALK TO YOU?

I WANNA TALK TO MY LAWYER.

WHAT YOU MEAN TO SAY IS YOU'RE GONNA TALK TO YOUR DADDY'S LAWYER.

WELL, HERE'S THE NEWS FOR YOUR DADDY'S LAWYER.

HE'S GONNA BE VERY EXPENSIVE WHEN HE HAS TO TALK TO THE F.B.I.

DADDY'S NOT GONNA LIKE THAT. SO GOOD LUCK.

NEXT CUSTOMER.

(Z Bob) HOW THE HELL DID THINGS GET THIS BAD?

(Johnny C) I'LL TELL YOU HOW.

IF I'D HAVE LET NATHAN GO TO THE AIRPORT WHEN HE WANTED TO,

WE WOULDN'T BE HERE.

(Nathan) DON'T EVEN GO THERE.

I GUILTED YOU INTO STAYING. YOU KNOW THAT.

(Ash) WE ALL DID.

(Nathan) HEY, IF THIS IS ANYBODY'S FAULT, IT'S MINE.

(Z Bob) HOW EXACTLY IS THIS YOUR FAULT?

BECAUSE, IF YOU WANNA KNOW THE TRUTH,

I DIDN'T WANT A WILD AND CRAZY BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND.

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?

SAME REASON YOU LIED ABOUT CHEATING ON YOUR S.A.T.s.

I WAS TRYING TO BE SOMETHING I'M NOT.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE.

OH, MY GOD.

PLEASE, DON'T TELL ME THAT'S WHO I THINK IT IS.

OK, I NEED WEED, NOW!

(guard) TRANSPORT 1-9, WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY SITUATION.

REPEAT, EMERGENCY.

TRAVELING WITH 5 SUSPECTS IN A CASINO ROBBERY EAST ON HIGHWAY--

[gun firing]

[tires screeching]

(Eli) IT'S A FUCKING SHOTGUN!

[gun firing continues]

WE'RE GONNA DIE. WE'RE GONNA DIE, GUYS.

WE'RE NOT GONNA DIE. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

HOW'S IT GOING BACK THERE, FELLAS?

GUESS YOU FIGURED OUT WHO REALLY KILLED HARRY. HAVEN'T YOU?

WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH US?

I GOTTA FRAME SOMEBODY.

RELAX.

THE ONLY THING EACH OF YOU HAS TO DECIDE

IS HOW YOU WANNA DIE.

WHAT?

UH, I'LL TAKE OVERDOSING ON VIAGRA

WITH TEENAGE NYMPHOS WHEN I'M 90, PLEASE.

NOT ONE OF YOUR OPTIONS.

OK, HOW ABOUT THIS? HOW ABOUT JUST A STRAIGHT-UP OVERDOSE?

NO.

OK, FINE. WHAT THE HELL ARE OUR CHOICES?

GETTING CHOPPED UP INTO BITTY PIECES,

BEING BURNED ALIVE,

BEING BURIED ALIVE, GETTING EATEN ALIVE

AND DROWNING.

YOU'RE GONNA EAT US?

NOT ME, YOU SICKO. MY DOGS ARE.

AND ONLY ONE OF YOU.

EACH OF YOU GETS TO DIE A DIFFERENT WAY.

YOU CHOOSE. OR I'LL DO IT FOR YOU.

OH, GOD.

WONDER WHAT KIND OF DOGS HE HAS.

*[rock music playing]

[tires screeching]

[all exclaiming]

JESUS.

IT'S ABOUT TIME.

I GUESS THIS IS IT.

WHERE DO YOU THINK WE ARE?

HELL WOULD BE A FAIR GUESS.

(man) WHEN I OPEN THIS DOOR, COME OUTSIDE.

GET OUT OF THERE.

(Z Bob) TAKE IT EASY, MAN.

(Ash) OK, I'M GETTING OUT.

TAKE THIS OFF.

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING US?

[groaning] SHUT YOUR HOLE.

(Eli) FOR THE RECORD, WE'VE ALREADY SEEN YOUR FACES

SO THE HOODS ARE KIND OF POINTLESS, RIGHT?

WE'RE NOT GONNA KILL YOU. WE'RE JUST GONNA WATCH.

(Z Bob) DUDE, YOU LIKE TO WATCH? I LOVE TO WATCH.

THAT MEANS WE TOTALLY HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.

THE MORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH,

THE LONGER I'LL MAKE YOU SUFFER.

(Eli) ARE WE IN AN ELEVATOR?

(Z Bob) WE'RE GOING UP.

I DECIDED TO SEE IF ONE OF YOU COULD FLY.

(Nathan) THAT WASN'T ONE OF THE CHOICES.

CHANGED MY MIND.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

UNCUFF ME AND FIND OUT.

IS THAT SO, BACHELOR BOY?

YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

(Eli) OH, SHIT.

(Nathan) COME ON, TAKE THIS FUCKING HOOD OFF.

[boys yelling]

IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE.

COME ON, ASSHOLES!

[screaming]

[screaming]

[all cheering]

*[pop music playing]

ABSOLUTE FUCKING GENIUS!

I KNEW IT. I DID. NO, THIS IS AWESOME.

THAT'S INSANE. JAIME PRESSLY'S HERE.

GENTLEMEN.

MY REAL NAME IS MR. KIDD.

WELCOME TO NATHAN'S BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND.

YOU ARE NOW PART

OF ONE OF THE LONGEST-RUNNING SECRETS IN THE HISTORY OF LAS VEGAS.

THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD KNOW IS THAT

NONE OF YOU WERE EVER IN ANY REAL DANGER.

NO ONE ACTUALLY DIED.

NO ONE WAS EVER EVEN HURT.

ME OR SOMEONE FROM OUR STAFF WAS

IN CONSTANT COMMUNICATION WITH EVERYONE

YOU ENCOUNTERED ALONG THE WAY.

THE 2ND IS A MESSAGE FROM Z BOB'S BROTHER.

AND IT READS...

HOW WAS WAYNE NEWTON, BY THE WAY?

"WE CAN ONLY HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOURSELVES AS MUCH AS WE DID

"WHEN WE WERE IN YOUR SHOES.

"EACH OF YOU IS NOW ONE OF US.

"FOR THE SAKE OF THOSE WHO WILL FOLLOW, PLEASE NEVER FORGET

COMMANDMENT NUMBER ONE."

THANK YOU.

I KNOW. (Ash) Z?

(Z Bob) YEAH? YO.

YOUR BROTHERS ARE COOL. I TAKE IT BACK. THEY'RE COOL.

EVERY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I ORCHESTRATE IS DIFFERENT.

BUT WE COULD NOT DO IT WITHOUT THE FULL COOPERATION

OF THE GOOD PEOPLE OF LAS VEGAS

AND MY VERY DEAR FRIEND, THE MAYOR.

WHILE EVERY ADVENTURE IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER, THE POINT IS ALWAYS THE SAME.

YOUNG MEN COME HERE, THINKING THAT A BACHELOR PARTY WEEKEND

IS ALL ABOUT PUSHING THE BOUNDS OF DECENCY

AND STRETCHING THEIR MORAL CODES.

AND WHILE IT IS,

WHAT IT REALLY IS ABOUT, IS FRIENDSHIP.

THE FRIENDSHIP AMONG THE 5 OF YOU,

THE BONDS THAT YOU HAVE FORGED,

THAT YOU ARE SO WORRIED THAT WILL CHANGE

NOW THAT ONE OF YOU IS GETTING MARRIED.

AND THE REALITY IS, THE BONDS WILL CHANGE.

THAT'S LIFE.

A WEDDING IS WHEN A FATHER GIVES AWAY HIS DAUGHTER.

BUT A BACHELOR PARTY

IS WHEN A GROUP OF GUYS GIVE AWAY THEIR BEST FRIEND.

WELL, NOW YOU CAN, BECAUSE YOU HAVE SHARED ONE FINAL ADVENTURE.

YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO WORRY WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN

BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALREADY SHARED THE GREATEST THING THERE IS.

FRIENDSHIP.

LET ME REMIND YOU THAT, OFFICIALLY,

THE MAIN EVENT HAS NOT EVEN STARTED YET.

YOU STILL HAVE A PARTY TO ATTEND, WHICH WILL BEGIN SHORTLY

AS SOON AS YOUR FRIENDS ARRIVE. ALL RIGHT.

FOR NOW, I SUGGEST YOU GUYS GO TAKE A SHOWER.

TRUST ME, YOU NEED IT.

WHEN YOU RETURN, JOHNNY C... HUH?

...PRIME RIB, MASHED POTATOES, GRAVY. OH.

EVERYTHING YOU WANT.

ASH, A GALLON OF COOKIE-DOUGH ICE CREAM.

ELI, SHRIMP COCKTAIL. ALL YOU DESIRE.

AND Z BOB, GUESS WHAT I GOT FOR YOU.

WHAT?

[people yelling]

*[rap music playing]

HAS THIS BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME?

WHAT?

THIS CAMERA.

WHAT CAMERA?

I'M GONNA PASS OUT.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE

[laughing] TO WATCH ME DO TO HER FIRST?

VERY GRACEFUL. THOSE DANCE LESSONS ARE REALLY PAYING OFF.

I JUST, UM...

[grunting]

*[The Catwalk by The Frank Popp Ensemble playing]

* TIRED OF WAITING, I HAVE TO PREPARE *

* TO GET MY ASS INTO THE RAGS I WEAR *

* A WELL ATTENDED FASHION SHOW *

* I SEE MY BABY SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW *

* CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, FLASH, FLASH, FLASH *

* I'M GETTING DAZZLED WHILE THEY STARE AT MY FLESH *

* CAN'T SEE NO EDGES, OH, WHAT CAN I DO? *

* GOT NO IDEA SO I'M LOOKING AT YOU *

* I'M STRUTTING FURTHER, STRUTTING FURTHER *

* STRUTTING FURTHER

OH!

ASSHOLE!

* STRUTTING ON THE CATWALK

* I THINK I GOT IT ALL DOWN

* BUT IF I FALL DOWN

* I KNOW MY BABY IS GONE

WE COULD OFFER A HIGHLIGHTER I-INSTEAD OF THE DILDO. SAME FUNCTION.

TOO SMALL?

YOU SURE HAVEN'T SEEN THESE HIGHLIGHTERS, MY LADY.

DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT PICKLE?

I ATE IT THIS MORNING.

* BACKSTAGE AGAIN I PUT ANOTHER DRESS ON *

* SOMEBODY CALLS ME, YOUR MOM'S ON THE PHONE *

* I'M SORRY, HONEY, YOUR RABBIT IS DEAD *

* DADDY WAS HUNGRY, THE TASTE WAS NOT BAD *

I SAID MY LAST LINE, YOU CAN GO NOW!

* I HAVE TO KEEP ON WITH THE FASHION GAME *

* I'M SO CONFUSED, I'M BLINDED AGAIN *

* I HAVE TO WALK STRAIGHT AND LOOK FOR MY MAN *

* I'M STRUTTING FURTHER, STRUTTING FURTHER *

* STRUTTING FURTHER

HEY!

HEY!

KEEP THE SHIT COMING!

* BUT IF I FALL DOWN

* I KNOW MY BABY IS GONE

* IT'S ON THE CATWALK

* WHERE I'VE BEEN LOSING MY SIGHT *

* IF I DON'T TURN BACK

* I'LL BE SINGLE TONIGHT

NEVER.

NONE OF US ARE GONNA FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS.

NEVER. NEVER AGAIN. NEVER.

STOP. WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?

* STRUTTING FURTHER

* STRUTTING FURTHER

I'M STARVING.

[mumbling]

SORRY.

PRIME--

[people laughing]

STOP IT, STOP IT. "GOOSEFABA, GOOSEFABA, GOOSEFABA, GOOSEFABA."

(director) READY AND ACTION.

I TRIED. I REALLY TRIED.

* IF I DON'T TURN BACK

* I'LL BE SINGLE TONIGHT

* NO, NO, NO, IT'S ON THE CATWALK *

* I THINK I GOT IT ALL DOWN

* BUT IF I FALL DOWN

* I KNOW MY BABY IS GONE

* TILL NOW, DID I MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF *

* IT'S ON THE CATWALK

* WHERE I'VE BEEN LOSING MY SIGHT *

* IF I DON'T TURN BACK

* I'LL BE SINGLE TONIGHT

* I DON'T WANT TO BE SINGLE, NO, NO *

OOH, CAN I ASK YOU BOYS SOMETHING?

(Ash) ANYTHING.

DID ANY OF YOU HAPPEN TO BRING A DILDO WITH YOU?

(Z Bob) WAIT? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WHAT DID YOU SAY?

YES.

'CAUSE I'M GONNA DO A DILDO SHOW FOR YOU.

(man) BRING IN THE DILDO.