Original subtitles

Critics Award, Dunkirk French Fries Festival

Best actor, Hong Kong Chop Chop Film Festival

Gold Medal for film least like "The Bear"

A TICKET TO OUTER SPACE

Somewhere in France in 2030

Patrick, shouldn't you fly higher?

I know you're a fine pilot,

but still... let's not hit a pylon.

Your mom and dad live here? Nice grazing land!

Captain, the press conference is at 11 AM.

500 reporters from all over the world!

We're live on CNN at 8.50PM,

Paris Match is here for you. They're printing 2 million copies.

Enjoy your interview!

- Hello. - Captain.

Please.

Can we start?

In 2 days, the whole world will watch you.

Your name will be in history books.

How did it all start?

Because of this.

What is it?

Heard of "A Ticket to Outer Space"?

No.

It was early in the century, in 2005.

The economy wasn't doing well.

The French people felt that the government

wasted money on space research.

The opposition party wanted to end

the whole French space program!

Then the government had an idea.

Hi, I'm Jean-Philippe, an astronaut.

Wanna go to outer space? Don't know how?

Now, thanks to "A Ticket to Outer Space",

your dream can come true!

Hi, I'm Michelle. He's right.

Tomorrow, in all retail outlets for 2 euros,

you can buy "A Ticket to Outer Space".

Scratch! If you find 3 shuttles... Great!

You may be one of the 2 winners to fly with a pro crew

to our orbital station!

Ready to board?

"A Ticket to Outer Space". Just scratch!

There, Prime Minister.

Tomorrow, it runs on all TV channels!

All France will flip for "A Ticket to Outer Space".

Werburger, think it'll work?

Prime Minister, we share the same aim:

To preserve our budget for space research.

We want French taxpayers to plan for the future!

Right!

The only solution is to involve them!

Hence this game. They'll love it!

Our main idea, Prime Minister,

is that grassroots France,

also has the right to be up there.

That's good, Werburger!

It's fine, but count me out!

I refuse to take civilians into space!

Why, Beaulieu?

It's vulgar marketing.

Beaulieu...

I'm sorry, sir.

To ants we're giants,

but in outer space, we're the ants.

Prime Minister! Gentlemen!

So much for "A Ticket to Outer Space"!

What do you mean?

Col. Beaulieu's our most famous astronaut.

His name made the mission popular.

You don't run a tight ship!

Sir, let the game go ahead as planned.

I know Col. Beaulieu well.

I know how to convince him.

"A Ticket to Outer Space" is a huge undertaking.

Tomorrow, 27 million tickets go on sale.

Who will be the 2 heroes?

Only on the departure day will we know

who the 2 lucky civilians are.

This game of chance has caused such a stir

that the French tenor Jean-Patrick Barbu

recorded a song for the future astronauts.

"They'll be blasted in a rocket through the clouds..."

Respect your orders.

All together now...

Rochette!

Professor!

Your experiments waste the Army's money!

Colonel, some day my sheep will be soldiers.

They're not just balls of wool.

Nor are they woolly balls.

Speaking of woolly balls, some men...

OK, Rochette.

Move!

Hi.

Welcome to Scolco Inc's 10th birthday

Cardoux, we're proud to have you.

You're a star of corporate shows.

My pleasure.

- What's Bill Gates like? - Who?

Your resumé says you did the Microsoft convention.

Oh, sure.

So how is he?

He's very...

Very good at math.

I thought so. But how does he?

So, brief me.

It's Scolco's 10th birthday.

We're tops in fire-extinguishers.

Our whole workforce is celebrating the company spirit.

You could start with a sketch on the outfit's history.

I've roughed out a text, then you improvise.

You embellish it.

Liven it up.

No problem! Birthday, extinguishers...

I get it. I'll dish up something tasty.

You'll never forget this 10th birthday!

I'm sorry.

What else can I say... I'm sorry.

I did that for Bic, the gas lighters.

The fire stayed in the trash can. I was a big hit.

Your extinguisher isn't very handy...

Get out of here!

Happy birthday, anyway.

Hi, I'm Stéphane Cardoux, sorry to bother you.

It's about your film "Charlemagne vs the Ninjas".

Did I get the part?

The part of the troubadour.

Really?

OK, too bad.

No, it's a shame.

Because I'd started to learn juggling.

Hi, this is Claude Lelouch.

What a shoot!

How did I wind up in a Greek movie! You OK?

I hope it plays in France, so you can see it. I have a great role.

I'm a shepherd.

He's weird, he has an intricate mind.

I'll ask for a cassette.

But if it's like the Polish movie I did...

You have a message.

Hi, this is Claude Lelouch.

It's a message for Stéphane Cardoux, the actor.

I'd like to meet you for my next film.

Call me soonest at 0164062225. Thanks.

See Isa, it just takes patience!

Stéphane...

The number Claude Lelouch left is ours.

He has the same number as us? I'll call the phone company.

Last time you pretended to be Luc Besson.

Listen, Isabelle.

No, I've had enough of your lies!

What lies?

You don't act in movies. You do corporate gigs.

What? I ate with Francis Huster 2 days ago.

You're a congenital liar!

When you sold the bike store to be an actor, I was for it.

Why don't you trust me now?

Why don't you tell me the truth! Shit!

Where's the Stéphane I knew?

He's still here, and he loves you.

I'm not sure I still love him.

I need to think. I'm leaving tomorrow with Hugo.

HQ of Tickets to Outer Space

"Guard" magazine

Hello?

I can't hear you, I'm coming.

We're closed, sir.

"Outer Space" gig's here?

They've gone home, sir.

I work for "Guard" magazine.

- I came to interview Rod Martin. - That's me!

- Really? - Yeah, don't leave.

The France-Germany soccer game made you become a guard?

The Kraut goalie slugged a Frenchie: That burned me up!

I quit pastry cooking, and became a guard.

Thanks Rod, it was real interesting.

Got a clean uniform?

- Sorry? - For the poster photo.

I'll change in the locker-room.

I'll take some photos of the offices.

But don't touch anything!

Connection to central computer.

Where is he?

No entry.

Entry granted

Find winning ticket.

Sports Café, Bordeaux

There...

You look cool.

Fine.

We'll go down to the lobby.

Hugo?

Hugo, you there?

Bultor to Zorgax!

Move it, Zorgax. Queen Moluxa wants you in her ship.

I know, you don't want go on this mission.

But I promised I'd visit your planet often.

Dad,

how will you get by all alone?

Here.

It was for your birthday. It's a bit early, but...

Thanks, Zorgax.

- Dad? - Yes.

Who's Claude Lelouch?

Don't worry, you'll be fine. Be nice to Mom.

I'll call you.

You'll change your mind!

Bye, fella!

I knew it!

FOR RENT

I want some "Space" tickets.

- How many? - All of them!

"Revenge is sweet"

1 shuttle...

2 shuttles...

Brittany Folk Club

Change partners!

Leaving?

Sorry. I'm due back at the Space Center.

Bye!

I remind you: Only on departure day, will we know

the 2 winners of "A Ticket to Outer Space"...

Beaulieu.

- Georges, Romain, or Christine? - Romain?

Pupil verification.

Digital verification.

Spittle verification.

Testicular verification.

Welcome, Col. Beaulieu.

Yes, hello.

Colonel!

Capt. Le Guilvinec, you look well.

Thanks.

Let me guess.

- You went on leave to Brittany? - You're psychic.

You haven't aged.

I was gone a week.

Your house coming along?

We're not done yet. Luckily, Tudek came to help me.

- Is he your fiancé? - No, my nephew.

He has time now: His trawler broke down.

So, we finished the roofing.

I'll do the floor next month, with Goulven.

He's your?

No, my brother-in-law.

We'd be done if Joel hadn't...

Joel's your boyfriend?

Yes... Actually, no.

We broke up.

Was the NASA seminar interesting?

Yes, we agreed with Russia, America and China

that walking on the sun is impossible.

All that money was spent,

all those men, women and animals died for nothing.

The little mice, little cats...

- Yes, Captain. - Little horses...

That's space research, it's joys and sorrows.

But it's not a silly game for thrill-starved civilians!

I have a code of honor. If I say I won't, I don't!

I'll never change my mind!

That's you, Colonel. True to your principles.

I respect you for it. But regret it.

Why?

I'm taking the civilians into space.

Werburger named me mission co-pilot.

Colonel,

I'm afraid I had to take a decision.

I replaced you.

By whom?

Col. Chaussard.

Who?

Col. Chaussard!

There's no Chaussard on the base.

He doesn't exist?

Maybe...

Let me think...

OK, you're in command.

Of the Noah mission. The 2 winners arrive tomorrow.

I have to cancel Chaussard.

No, he doesn't exist.

Hugo, my son, my battle.

I met your mom on a Wednesday.

Your premature birth was on a Wednesday.

On a Wednesday, I learned that MB meant Mountain Bike.

Thanks to you,

last Wednesday I won a slot on the space trip.

Could Wednesday be my lucky number?

That space trip is my big chance

to show your mom I'm not the lamebrain she thinks.

I love you, son.

And I remain, yours faithfully.

Signed: Dad.

PS: Don't tell your mom about the space trip.

Hello, Mr Yonis.

I'm Simon Werburger, head of the Space Center.

In the name of France, I welcome you.

Thanks... Hello, Colonel Beaulieu. Good to see you again.

- Have we met? - Everyone knows you.

- I saw you on TV last week. - Right.

Who's this charming soldier?

Capt. Soizic Le Guilvinec. The mission's co-pilot.

Hello.

Yes... Hi.

- And professor Chor... - Rochette.

Shit!

Bye-bye perfume samples. Gift from my sis!

Doesn't matter.

Hi, Mr Cardoux.

- In the name of France, welcome. - Likewise.

- You're the other winner? - Yes.

Stéphane Cardoux. I'm easy going. You play gin?

Mr Cardoux, meet Capt. Le Guilvinec.

Hi, Madame.

And Colonel Beaulieu.

- The shuttle's pilot. - Good.

How do I set my watch for up there?

Let's get this clear, Cardoux.

Before going "up there", you have to take some tests.

Start by passing them!

Let's go!

Yonis: 120/70.

Cardoux: 170/20.

Sorry, pal.

Name the planets of our solar system.

Well...

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn,

Uranus, Neptune, Pluto.

The Moon...

The Earth?

The Moon...

You afraid of a void?

What should I avoid?

- No, I said "of a void." - No, you told me to avoid...

I said: "You afraid of a void?"'

Sorry...

Don't worry, I'm not... voidophobic.

OK. All's fine so far. I'm holding out.

Raising my arm is tough, but you can speed it up.

The gravity machine hasn't started yet.

OK!

This is a pre-flight diagram.

The dark red line is the thrust,

which is 25% at takeoff.

The other line is the emergency path,

that I hope we won't need!

- Any questions? - What will we do up there?

If you pass, you'll be on Noah's

orbital station, with Prof. Rochette.

Who's he?

The finest French veterinary geneticist.

He takes animals into space to study them.

We'll be up there 15 days. There's lots to do!

I'm sure of that, Colonel.

Yes, sea-snails do it, too!

I knew it. See you later.

Later.

- But Colonel... - No, Cardoux.

- May I? - Yes.

Bravo for your course on meteorites.

I'm a beginner, and I got it all.

Thanks.

I was torn: Astronaut or Breton teacher?

I love teaching.

It shows. You lined up your asparagus.

How so?

- Heard of culino-psychology? - No.

People's plates are revealing.

Your hard-boiled egg is hidden under the corn.

- Means you love your parents. - Yes, I do.

Your broccoli is a mini Taj-Mahal.

Means you don't like harming kids.

No, I don't. That's true.

Your French fries point northwest.

To Brittany!

How could you be so right?

Please, Colonel.

You're psy-culino sensitive. You learn fast.

Please, give me another chance.

Cardoux, you're not up to it.

You're not made for space.

I can't risk taking you with us.

Yonis will be the only civilian along.

You're made for...

OK, don't bother.

I got it.

Computer synchronized

with navigation device.

Give me your 3 wishes: I'll try to grant them.

Change my dad back from a toad!

Show me the forest of diamonds!

Make me Princess Goldenhair!

Hold it!

You act like shit!

Like shit!

First your voice!

I told you to project your voice, dammit to hell!

Then, where's your emotion?

You don't believe what you're saying!

"My kingdom for a horse!" Is that so hard to say?

OK, some audiences won't get it.

So think of Stanislavski.

And do the scene like Vitez, go on!

Sir?

Who's Vitez?

Look, if you don't know that...

Hugo?

You said you'd be in outer space.

It's too hard. I can't pass the tests.

I flunked 1 rst grade once, 2nd grade twice, 3rd grade thrice...

When I tell you to study hard, trust me!

Hugo, we're off again!

Go on!

Last summer at the pool, I was afraid to dive.

You said: "Where there's a will, there's a way. Dive, idiot!"

And I did.

I can't understand a thing you say!

Now I'll put some gravel in your mouths!

Let's go!

FLUNKED!

2998...

2999...

3000...

- You, here? - Let's talk.

Can't: Flight practice.

- Take me along! - Go home!

No, into space! I have the winning ticket!

You have no right to dump me!

- Here I have every right! - Oh, yeah?

For instance...

To park your jet on a spot for the handicapped?

That's a dumb question!

Gotcha, Colonel. See, you don't have every right!

Listen...

If you dump me, I'll tell the press you treated me like shit.

You are shit!

Took me years to be an astronaut!

You want to be a hero overnight?

Not a hero.

Just a man.

To wow his son born prematurely on a Wednesday.

My honor says you're not coming, and you won't!

I won't change my mind!

I never saw anyone so motivated.

Sure, he's not very valiant.

But deep down,

I'm for giving a chance to those whose love

can move mountains,

and sprout wings.

We agree, Captain.

He's coming with us.

I think he should come with us.

I just said it.

But it's what I just said.

Men, as you know, today the whole world is watching us.

I expect the best from you.

It's not any old mission.

It's taking, for the first time,

French civilians to our orbital station,

but it's also the last mission I'll share with you.

I'm retiring at the end of the month.

My wife and I are opening a mini-pony riding center.

Please visit us, you'll get a special rate.

I'm very proud to have been your leader all these years.

Our team always coped with adversity.

Like the time the booster engine

of a Hercules 3 rocket broke off

and landed on a nudist colony.

But all that's past,

it's a great day for the French space program!

Live up to it! Have a good mission!

Mom, come look!

I'll say it again.

You'll activate the ignition after the countdown by pressing on?

The rocket.

No, the rocket's over there!

On the yellow button.

Know what a button is?

It's like my belly button!

There you go.

Verifying shuttle AOK.

Shuttle AOK.

Cross-verification shuttle AOK.

Shuttle AOK.

I copy you.

You civilians are on a TV hook-up.

Speak now, France is listening.

Go ahead, Cardoux.

I'm too moved for my own words.

So I'll quote those of the great Armstrong:

"To play well, you need good lungs,

"but having a good trumpet helps."

Yonis.

I'm proud to be along. But I want someone to know

he's not forgotten. He'll understand.

Thanks, gentlemen.

Everything fine? Shuttle AOK?

Shuttle AOK. Countdown started.

No, wait! There's an odd noise in the cabin.

Sounds like an orc.

A wounded orc. Listen.

An orc?

It's Willy! We must save Willy!

What's going on?

You'll have red eyes on that one.

Werburger, don't worry. It's just a human problem.

45... 44... 43...

Sorry.

Hi, this is Stéphane Cardoux, actor and astronaut,

I'll get back as soon as possible.

BK 9?

BK 9?

Yes. BK 9.

13... 12... 11...

Ignition!

Switch to autopilot.

Eject motor 1 and booster!

Cross confirmation.

Lift-off successful.

Shuttle AOK!

Rocket!

- Yep... - What?

Corsica's pretty big.

That's Africa.

In Africa, the mother antelope's task is...

OK, Rochette.

Shuttle here. Approaching the orbital station.

Switching to autopilot. Enrico's taking over.

Permission granted.

Go ahead, Lieutenant.

Hi, Enrico.

Hello Captain, hello Commander and the whole crew.

But it's...

Enrico, the crooner. He's our computer's voice.

He's a pal of our press officer.

Cute, no?

Shuttle AOK, commander.

Thanks, Enrico.

This way, men.

Lock unlocked.

100% oxygen.

Station AOK.

Door, Enrico!

Welcome to our orbital station.

You did a great job.

My heart was pounding!

Tell me...

You promise to save Willy.

Sure I will.

Sir, can I have a word with you?

Excuse me.

I can't find the shuttle's navigation software.

It's gone!

Poushy...

How long have you worked here?

3 years.

It's the total weight of all documents you lost in 3 years.

Do me a favor: For my last mission, that software...

you'd better find it!

It's really big!

Wait! 4 miles of corridors, 82 rooms and 5 levels.

Really?

Must cost a fortune to heat. Diesel, I hope?

You have a strange sneeze.

Just like someone I knew well.

Who was that?

My former partner. He was weird.

A weird partner?

Yes.

Enrico, door!

Wanted to be an astronaut. Life decided otherwise.

Watch the step.

For our first dinner, I made a surprise.

- Pancakes. - I made pancakes!

Thanks for the surprise. Can I help?

No, I'll help her peel the ham.

Because I'm really overworked.

Colonel, may I ask you...

About...

You know...

- Zero gravity. - Right, zero gravity.

- Why aren't we in zero gravity? - Yes, why?

You good at Physics?

Yeah, OK.

Zero gravity is loss of the Earth's pull, OK?

By changing and inverting the proportion

of inherent pull in V3 + V4,

we get the formula P-1 = V/5, agreed?

Our weight equals our free-fall acceleration

as in the formula V-4+S = VT-2,

so up here we weigh the same as on earth!

Total crap!

Real astronaut

My grandma's recipe, a Breton lady

who taught me her knowhow and love of good things.

She still around?

Yes. Jailed for hashish dealing.

- Anyway, Captain, they're... - The best pancakes I ate.

Same here.

Thanks.

Professor...

What will you test on these animals?

Like on the gobbler?

Teddy? On Earth, he can't fly.

In the space, I think he can.

What's the point?

The royal eagle is above all

a fine glider,

with its broad upward tilted wings

and long feathers spread at the tip

like fingers.

As an actor, what movies do you like?

Talkies in general.

What was your last movie?

"Lord Of The Rings".

I played an arms-dealer...

who dealt arms.

But the role was cut.

Pity. It was a tough shoot, in New Zealand...

Was New Zealand pretty?

Not bad. It's new.

Did you go to Old Zealand?

No, we had the wrong boots.

Yours is a fine job, Mr Cardoux.

I did some amateur acting in my youth.

- What are you up to? - Checking my voice mail.

We're in space. Put it away.

I've got a signal.

My brother-in-law doctored it. He's a tech school grad.

Communication to Earth activated.

Evening, everyone.

I'll read you the message

of congratulations from the French President.

"Bravo...

"It's dandy.

"Signed: The President of France."

Night! See you tomorrow.

Hi!

Am I intruding?

Not at all. But you scared me.

Sorry, I couldn't get to sleep.

Always, your first night in space.

- I wanted to ask you... - No, I wanted to ask you...

My sausage pancake was buried under the zucchini.

What does it mean?

Fully buried?

I think so.

- Means you're romantic. - Yes.

Too much so. A real pushover. Gets me in trouble.

Like how?

Men take advantage of me.

You?

When I was 16, I fell madly in love with a man.

Took him a month to tell me he was 92.

And our love was impossible.

I've suffered too much. You understand?

Don't worry.

There was some egg yolk in your glass of water.

Means you'll find true love.

Soizic, I have to... Captain...

Go for it, Beaulieu!

From here, I control the whole station.

Suppose there's a fire, and you can't reach this room.

All the rooms have USB slots.

You can control the station from any of them.

But you need the password.

And only Beaulieu has that.

No, I know it too.

I coined it.

Can't be easy to coin a password...

You just pick something simple.

Like what, in this case?

I can't tell you.

It's totally forbidden.

Captain... Soizic...

I was going to ask you after the trip, but I'm hasty.

What I wanted to ask...

Hi, Colonel.

What are you doing here?

What did you want to ask?

Just... Will you make more pancakes?

Sure I will.

Yonis, go back to your cabin. You don't belong here!

Evening, Soizic... Colonel.

Captain, verify all the parameters of AOK shuttle!

All of them?

All of them. That's an order!

Access Code

Sugar pancakes. Access denied

Jam pancakes. Access denied

Chocolate pancakes. Access denied

Toothpaste pancakes. Access denied

I can't tell you. It's totally forbidden.

Totally forbidden. Access granted

Changing orbital position.

Changing orbital position.

Race you to the shower!

Enrico, what's going on?

If I knew, I'd tell you, Colonel.

- Captain? - I can't switch to manual!

Enrico, switch off the automatic pilot!

Impossible. Shuttle control transferred to unknown station.

Captain, call the base!

Orbital station control unit!

Shuttle all fouled up!

Try the emergency frequency!

Help!

No answer.

I'm busy.

One second. I'm coming.

What is it?

There's a problem with the station.

Poushy!

You? You?

Dunno...

We can't make contact with them.

I get a message: "Station all fouled up"!

Me too!

My calculations say it's positioned over France.

What?

This isn't my doing!

Alexander has vanished.

Who?

Mr Yonis.

I offended him. He must be sulking.

For unexplained reasons, the orbital station has moved.

We've lost contact with the Earth. But I'm in control.

I doubt it, Colonel.

I control the station now.

Can he do that?

This is for the government and our crew.

Col. Beaulieu, my name isn't Alexander Yonis.

Guerin!

Fantomas!

My real name is Alexander Guerin.

I said we'd meet again.

Colonel, sir!

November 18, 1983

- Bless you. - Thanks.

- You flew fast today. - Thanks for the tape gizmo.

- The what? - The Walkman.

My chick got it in Japan. It's great!

You can walk around with music!

You have a white hair.

And I'm only 21, I don't get it.

In a week, we'll be the first 2 French astronauts.

You realize, my boyhood dream!

We just heard they arrested the serial killer

who terrorized the city of Rosny for 3 months.

His name is Bernard Guerin.

He's accused of killing over 543 people.

He followed his victims on the freeway, killed them,

then dressed them in the clothes of his previous victim.

That's why he was called the Freeway Interchange.

Sports now, with some surfing news...

- You can't do that! - I have every right!

Sit down!

Your brother's arrest is a problem, Alexander.

It may affect your psychological balance.

I deserve to be an astronaut. It's my lifelong dream!

Ask Beaulieu, he trained me.

Romain!

I don't know what to say.

Your brother's Public Enemy n:1.

Our 1 st astronaut can't be a madman's kin.

My brother isn't mad. He's different, he's edgy.

Who knows, some day, out of love for him,

you may divert a rocket, to free him?

Sir, if I may say so, you're too imaginative.

Alexander's a nice kid.

I'll decide that!

Guerin, you won't go to outer space.

But considering your service...

Record?

Record, thanks.

You can stay on as a clerk in the Veterans' Administration.

With your pay and meal vouchers.

No, Alexander.

I decide!

You destroyed my life.

You, Beaulieu, didn't back me up.

Now, I'm holding the cards.

Listen to me!

My brother's in a maximum security jail in Nevers.

Free him!

I want to speak to him, or this station will crash.

You have 1 hour to reach him!

Poushy. Call the President!

Colonel, it's just a test, right?

Find him, tell him he's not nice, that you're sorry.

We'll play gin, have lunch, and relax.

The station's huge, we won't find him in 1 hr.

I'm sure we can parley. He's a sensitive kid.

Shut up, you crazy dyke!

I'm sorry.

Enrico, download a map of the station.

Yes, Commander.

It's OK. They're going to free him.

They're going to free him, it's OK.

Wait, look!

Neutralizing the energy stations

in sections A, B and C,

lowers the sequential fields,

restoring control...

OK, Rochette.

Wait, look!

Neutralizing the energy stations

in sections A, B and C,

lowers the sequential fields, restoring control.

Well, Captain?

A very good idea, Colonel.

What, Rochette?

Think I'm a beginner, Beaulieu?

If you try anything,

I'll depressurate, I'll depressify...

I'll depressu... One second...

I'll depress the price of preserves...

If you try anything,

I'll depressurize the station.

For France and Charlemagne! Attack!

Long live Charlemagne!

Down with Ninjas!

OK, he's coming out.

Minister, Bernard Guerin is free.

He's stopped. He's thrown away his bag.

Yes, Minister, that's correct.

A fireball shot from a catapult.

- Cut! You can print it. - Cool.

Next we'll do the scene

between Charlemagne and the Head Ninja.

Mrs Cardoux? Come with us, please.

Still no news of the Noah mission crew,

with its 2 civilian members.

Colonel, can I talk to you?

Come in.

I packed my things. I left the shampoo, it's half full.

- When are you taking me home? - Sorry?

I'm bored with this! I want out!

Have a seat and calm down.

When they free Yonis's brother, you'll go home.

And if they don't?

You got a plan? I'm just a tourist here.

Right! You don't belong here!

You belong in a 2 star hotel in Tunisia

with archery contests and camel rides!

You know the Hotel Oasis?

You're a tiresome idiot!

I said space is no place for civilians.

I won a contest... Now I forgot my line...

Yes. Respect me, as I respect you!

Get me back to my planet!

I want to see my wife and son.

Space agency technicians are still trying to contact them.

"The situation isn't hopeless",

according to the Transportation Secretary.

"No, the situation isn't hopeless."

Excuse me.

Hi, Hugo.

- You OK? - Right.

Don't worry, we have a big problem,

we can't reach the Earth. But the people are nice,

What is it?

- He's behind me? - Cardoux...

Give me your phone.

Hugo, where are you? Put on Werburger.

A catapult, that's right.

Listen, Colonel,

you must find Guerin and neutralize him.

Seeing how grave things are, you may use procedure B 716.

B 716? No one has...

It's our only chance.

And if it fails?

- Then you know what to do. - No.

Yes, you do!

Beaulieu, you know!

No, I don't.

If it fails, you autodes...

If it fails, you autodes... Sorry.

Suzette is subject to...

Suzette is subject to seizures...

You autodestroy the station!

Got that, Colonel?

Poushy, Yonis will call...

Guerin will call in 15 minutes. Play for time.

Find a solution!

I feel sick, I'll fog up things. I'm going out.

Stay there!

Why me?

I don't like procedure B 716.

Use Rochette, he's been idle.

Calm down. You ate beside Yonis?

Slip this transmitter

into his right pocket.

There. The right pocket.

- I know where a pocket is. - Look.

- OK. - Look at the pocket.

- I know where it is. - Look!

- There. - Take it.

You know where he's hiding?

I don't know where, but I know when.

You'll only have 2 minutes to act.

Soizic, if we don't get back...

Hold it!

If we don't get back? I warn you,

if we don't get back, I'll sue you...

You'll be in serious...

...trifles.

My grandma's recipe. A Breton lady

who taught me her knowhow and love of good things.

She still around?

Yes. Jailed for hashish dealing.

- Bravo, Captain, they're really... - Really...

The best pancakes I ate.

Thanks, Colonel.

They have a minute left.

They won't make it.

What movies do you like?

Talkies in general.

What was your last movie?

"Lord of the...

No, I've never been in a movie.

I'm a corporate actor.

I perform in conventions.

Gotta make a living!

Don't be ashamed of it.

What are you doing?

The Peruvians, I hear, don't have a rocket!

Not a one.

Sir, I've got a signal.

Bravo, Beaulieu. Now they'll locate him.

- Where are we? - Don't move.

It's just a glitch. Won't last.

Bravo, Cardoux. Not too shaken?

No, fine. It was a cinch.

I tell you, I almost punched that Yonis in the nose.

But as we were in the past, I held back.

Sir!

We can trick Guerin into thinking his brother is still alive.

We have 2 minutes before he calls.

Interpol sent me this from Bernard Guerin's answerphone.

"The Freeway Interchange."

Listen...

Hi, this is Bernard Guerin. I'm not in.

I'm in Niort. Back on the 30th.

Leave a message, if you must, after the tone.

So what?

You're his brother calling. Ask me questions.

Who is this?

Ber... nard.

Any cops there?

I'm coming.

No need.

Poushy,

you're a genius!

In 90 feet, take a left.

He's in the West wing.

At the recuperation room, take the right hand corridor.

Colonel, you'd better tiptoe.

Only half a mile to go.

Now's the time.

No, don't leave. He can't see us.

Your last mission's tough?

I hope you obeyed. Is my brother free?

Connect me to him!

If there's any problem, we crash.

OK, you can speak to him.

Hello, Bernard?

How are you?

Fine.

I'm so glad to hear you.

Fine, fine.

You sound moved. Jail must be tough, huh?

Fine, fine.

I understand.

You can't speak. Someone's with you?

Ber... Ber.

You're with a Berber?

Who is it?

Dédé.

Who's Dédé?

Where are you?

Niort.

You're in Niort with Dédé the Berber?

I want to be sure it's you.

Here's a question only you can answer.

What color was the sweater of the neighbor's son

who you made drink gas?

Green.

Forgive me, for doubting it was you.

Werburger!

Alexander, we had a big problem.

Your brother...

is dead.

He was crushed by a catapult.

We couldn't save him. We must negotiate.

Over nothing, Werburger.

Nothing...

Now my brother's dead, I have nothing to lose.

I'll break your station, your little toy!

The blame is all yours, Mr Werburger!

Bernard!

Colonel, take a left.

Colonel, find him, or you'll all die!

Cardoux, all this is fine,

Beaulieu is alone and rattled.

So stop talking: It's my mike!

Colonel, you're close.

You're 3 pikes from him.

That's 9 feet, for you people.

He's in there.

Room service!

Leave the tray by the door.

He's headed north.

Attention.

Block 13 in depressurisa... in depersuasa...

One second...

Pierrette presses prunes prior to prodding Patrick.

OK. Careful, Block 13 is depressurizing.

Block 13 isolated in 2 minutes.

He's in Block 28.

Sorry about your brother.

I've waited so long for this!

Colonel?

I've lost contact.

Surrender now, and I'll testify for you.

Remember?

No face hits, no knots, only moisten once.

Let's change the rules.

It's no holds barred.

The first to die loses.

If I squeeze the trigger,

the bullet will tear out of the barrel,

and lodge in your brain, as you taste blood

and long for your mother's breast!

Thanks, Cardoux.

Get up!

Move!

Stop!

Soizic...

Lock him in his cabin.

I'll contact the base so we can leave.

For good old planet Earth!

You disappointed me.

- I'm sorry. - I was hot for your fat nose.

It's a pity, Soizic.

Life isn't fair.

In different circumstances,

- we could've... - What?

Journeyed a few miles together.

It's funny,

I see us both by the seaside.

The weather'd always be fine.

Well, not always.

Mornings, I'd drop you at the lighthouse,

then go fish for sea-urchins to feed us.

You'd climb to the top of the lighthouse

and guide the supertankers as they rounded the point.

We'd have four children:

Gwenaelle...

Merlin, Broceliande and Claude.

No, Erwann.

I see us madly in love.

And after 20 years together

we'd still dance the gavotte, naked,

and kiss with cider in our mouths...

Go on! Yes, that one!

This is your Captain, thanks for choosing our company.

The outside temperature is 32 degrees.

Our estimated arrival is 6.45 PM.

Announce a delay!

Where's Soizic? You killed her!

You ate her?

Of course not!

I'm sorry, Colonel.

I hadn't foreseen that...

Get up!

Cardoux! It's no use.

It's tempered titanium glass.

Like the Pope-Mobile.

You been in love with her long?

2 years.

Did you tell her?

You should've. It helps!

I was going to.

Let me see that...

Don't play with it, I'm not amused.

Keep away from children and poultry

What are they up to, dammit?

The station is heading to Earth!

They've failed.

I should have picked Colonel Chaussard.

Danger! Impact with Earth in 16 minutes.

New descent parameters recorded.

Is this your doing?

You promised to stop this madness!

Killing people isn't nice!

We were going to run off and spare them.

And live on love and Evian!

They killed my brother. They must pay.

Get in!

Get in!

Ejection of emergency capsule.

Calculate the descent angle, find out where... Fast!

What's going on? Let me by!

Let me by!

What's going on?

Mrs Cardoux, be brave.

I fear the worst.

What does it mean?

The station may crash.

If your husband dies, France will give him a State funeral,

and a stage of the Tour de France will be named for him.

Today it's the well-known Cardoux stage, 168 miles long.

As for you kid,

soon you'll have to shave.

Be brave!

That's no good... that's too high...

Not there... or there...

If I'm right, here's where we should...

I've got it! I know where the station will crash!

It'll crash on the town of Mouchette.

- In central France. - What big city is it near?

Near nothing. Mouchette's a dump.

Call City Hall, tell them to evacuate.

But don't panic them!

Just say an orbital station will crash on them.

Why did he pick that dump?

I'm a Mouchettian.

I was born there.

I know why he chose that village.

It's where my wife and I are retiring.

Loosen your reins.

Once more round...

Then we'll go clean Laurel's hooves.

Once round, at a trot.

Go on!

Danger! Re-entry in 6 minutes.

Colonel, what's going on?

I need my pills!

Try a stick of gum?

My pills!

Are you sick?

I'm afraid of flying.

In anything that flies.

I promise. I won't tell a soul.

I'll get you back to the cockpit. Be brave.

We're almost there.

- What's that? - Don't stop. No time.

It can't be...

It's Teddy, the gobbler!

Come with me. Door, Enrico!

Door, Enrico!

Danger! Re-entry in 4 minutes.

My stomach.

The pancakes. Remember, I dined twice.

- What did you tell him? - Dunno, what do we do?

We run for it.

It hurts!

Open up!

Enrico!

- Open the log book! - Open.

It's the end, I've lived and loved!

Lived to the hilt!

Now I have a bitter taste! Of gobbler!

If you find my body, cremate it,

scatter my ashes at high noon. Your turn.

To see Phnom-Penh again...

- You lived there? - No.

But I love saying Phnom-Penh.

Die, you lousy gobbler!

Re-entry in 3 minutes! Shuttle doomed!

Abandon ship!

I'm so ashamed, Colonel.

I know...

Yonis...

it was my fault.

I know...

Oh, shit.

You saved us, Soizic.

- I've waited years to tell you. - I know...

Colonel, if we survive this,

and you want to lie on me starko...

I'll go for it.

Come on.

We must stop the shuttle.

Re-entry in 1 minute 30.

What a downer, Sir.

Re-entry is imminent.

It's the end, Poushy. It's ghastly.

God be with them.

We're going to be squashed.

And I've never known love!

I can't do it.

It's too complex. He scrambled all the knobs.

Cardoux!

You're not shit. I'm proud I knew you.

Farewell!

Self-destruction. End of movie

No, Colonel! Give it a try, please!

My son taught me never to give up.

It's too late.

No, there's always a solution!

When you play "Spot the 7 differences",

one man has a pipe, the other doesn't.

One little girl has laces, the other doesn't.

You look and look for that last difference.

You say, I'll never find it!

Suddenly there it is, in front of you!

One guy has glasses.

But the other one doesn't!

Glasses! There's still a solution!

Wait, don't move!

3... 2...

1...

I'll never get over this.

Werburger, the shuttle is AOK again!

Please, I'd like to speak to my wife.

Isabelle?

While I flew among the stars,

I wrote this poem for you.

"I see Uranus, and think of us on a bus.

"I see Saturn, and it's for you I yearn."

Rhymes better than "burn".

"Now Pluto is in sight, I've missed you on this flight.

"Then I see the Milky Way, and hope you'll be back some day.

Or "back to stay", you choose.

There.

They're back. With a hero's welcome.

My dad gave me his ticket. And I kept it.

My whole life was built around it.

My father's adventure.

Now I take that ticket...

on all my missions.

It's my good luck charm.

Thanks, Captain.

Thank you.

Zorgax 1 to Base. Ready for takeoff...

OK, Colonel Cardoux. Takeoff in 1 minute.

Good luck, Zorgax 1.

Satellite connection activated.

You can start, Hugo.

Good evening.

I'm proud to be the first man to walk on the sun.

I dedicate this mission to my parents,

Stéphane and Isabelle Cardoux,

to Col. Beaulieu and Capt. Soizic Le Guilvinec.

I thank you.

He's left!

Where is he?

I've got him! 25 degrees to the right.

Yes, I see him.

It's my son. My battle!

She hasn't changed. Or aged.

Lend me your pushover, I'm chilly.

Sure, my love.

But she's a bit spacey.

Bruno!

Boil some water and open the oysters!

Look, he's gone, he's up there.

Hugo!

My little fella!

Little fella...

Have a nice trip!

OK, I'm not a woman, so I'm a man?

I'm a man. Am I famous?

I'm famous...

An athlete?

Not an athlete. Showbiz?

Showbiz. OK, am I a singer?

But you said showbiz!

An actor?

OK, an actor...

There you are.

Don't forget, in life what really matters,

is love and friendship among men and all peoples.

Subtitles - A. Whitelaw

Processed by Vdm Paris