Original subtitles

Don't you fucking move, pig!

We know why you're here.

We have you surrounded.

So, don't try to play the high and mighty cop.

Drop your fucking gun!

Get on the ground, kid.

Now.

Don't get me wrong, before I ended up in some kind of heist movie,

life was pretty dope.

There you go, bro.

Skal.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, what was that?

Skull?

No, skal. With an A.

It means like, cheers in Danish.

Coolio.

Get a load of this guy.

To be honest, I don't even remember his fucking name.

Let's go with Steve.

Skal? Skal!

Right!

Steve's a fan.

But Steve's not just any fan. No, no, no.

Steve's here tonight as an Arthurian fellow.

And you see, taking care of fans, I mean, that's a huge deal

in the life of someone like me.

One last, come on.

Ah.

I'm Arthur.

I'm an online creator, slash comedy artist,

but I'm sure most of you know that already.

And look, I'm not trying to brag, it's not really my style,

but I just hit 3 million subs on my channel!

Wait, actually

3,259,872

three, to be precise.

But I mean, who's counting, right?

Me! I'm fucking counting.

Hey, buddy, do you mind holding this for a sec?

Hey, everyone! Hey!

Gather round for a gang selfie. Come on.

3 million on three.

One, two, three! 3 million!

Having fun?

Hey, guys.

Dude, don't blame me.

What, did you expect that the pre-roll ads pay for this

fancy ass apartment?

It's the product placement that does.

Ah.

Skal.

One sip and I'm flying.

Hey, you.

Oh, hey, there's our world famous star.

Don't do that to me, please.

So, are you at least having a good time?

Yeah. Yeah. Slowly but surely, I guess

That's 'cause you're not drunk enough.

Oh.

This is Emma, one of my roommates and childhood friend.

But there's more to it than that.

Hey, don't judge me. I like to keep photos.

Look, I've probably confessed my love to her 1,000 times,

and been stuck in the friend zone ever since

we've known each other.

Arthur!

Hey, yo, Arthur!

Come here, buddy, I need to meet someone.

Sorry.

Duty calls.

I'll be back.

So, the pretty boy over here, that's my other roommate,

Darren, slash manager, slash agent, slash,

well, he's pretty much just my best friend.

Well, there he is, the big star!

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, let me introduce you to Patricia.

She just loves you, man.

She's got a stand-up gig for you next week.

You dig?

Only problem is Darren doesn't have a fucking clue.

If it's not some stupid standup gig, then it's for a shitty web series.

And notice the girl he's talking to, she's always hot.

It's like he's using my name to get his dick wet.

Anyways, I'm used to it.

Once you go above 100,000 subscribers,

the leeches start crawling out of the woodwork.

Awesome. Cool, yeah, I love it.

Cool.

Where were we?

So, if I introduced you to Emma and Darren,

it's because they're really important to me, right?

They're like family.

But more to the point;

I caught them banging like bunnies behind my back.

Yeah, I know, I should have photobombed it

and shared it with all you, right?

I'm not that big of an asshole though.

Hey, Arthur!

Hey! Woo!

There he is.

No worries, everybody just found him!

Look at you.

Hey, you filming?

Hey, look, hey, hey, look, I love this guy.

Hey, come on, get me in there, come on.

This guy's great. A genius.

This brain, this brain, I'm going to kiss it.

Okay, can we stop that? Okay, okay, okay,

you don't like kissing. I got you. I got you.

Did you want something or?

No, no, no, I was going to check if you want something.

I'm going to the convenience store.

I'm buying. You want something?

Actually, yeah, I wouldn't say no to a chocolate bar.

Anything with nougat.

Mission accepted. All right. You stay safe.

No, diggity.

So, where were we?

Oh, wait, I know.

You're still not having fun.

Oh, and you are?

Come on, Arthur, I know you can't stand people.

Yeah, but I can enjoy a party.

Yeah, well, 3 million subs is a lot of people to pretend not to hate.

Oh, 3 million, hmm?

How about 3,259,914?

Wow.

Whoa, Emma, your nose.

Oh. Sorry.

Typical.

My perfect timing.

What the fuck. There's no water?

Yeah, there should be.

Must be some kind of construction, I guess.

Fuck.

Oh, shit, I'm a mess.

Here, can you give me your jacket?

♪ You are me ♪

♪ I am you ♪

♪ You're just so controlling ♪

♪ Can't take it no more ♪

♪ Still have a life of my own ♪

So, stoked that the producers cast a hot chick

to be my childhood friend.

And now she's asking me for my clothes when she could like,

totally just go down the hall and get her own clothes.

Whoever's writing this, I love you.

Arthur. Your jacket, please.

Oh. Yeah.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Everyone chill. It's just a power outage.

I'm sure it'll all be over soon, all right?

Shit, guys, what do we do?

There's also zero service.

All right, just keep people from moving and

I'll bring the music back.

Got it.

Hey, man, can you hold this for me for a sec?

For sure.

Yo! Everyone!

Hey, listen up. Gather around.

Please, come on.

Freddy, put your fucking pants back on.

Guys, hey, listen.

Where are you going to go?

There's really no point in leaving right now.

I mean, look out the window, this power outage is widespread,

so where are you going to go that's better than this, am I right?

Damn right, dude! Yeah!

Okay.

So I say, fuck the power outage.

Fuck the power! I say, let's fucking party.

Let's fucking party like there's no fucking tomorrow!

So, here's to us.

And here's to my 3 million fucking subscribers!

Yeah, yeah, frustrating, right?

But aren't you bored with these expected montages

with people having fun and drinking and taking drugs,

and the in-the-mood song playing in the background?

Anyways, look, as a matter of fact, our show doesn't have

the money to make it super fancy.

Plus, I'm a very bad dancer.

Day one of the apocalypse.

A whole lot of cleaning.

Power's still out, so that's fun.

Oh, and still no service either.

And I am feeling the need to check my newsfeed.

You want to hear my favorite part?

Still no fucking water.

Apparently there's not a single goddam thing to drink

in this whole apartment.

I even have the perfect title for it:

the Hangover: Part Four.

Worst fucking hangover ever.

Ever!

Oh, and also, I'm on my way to the grocery store to grab a drink,

so stay tuned.

Don't you fucking move, pig!

We know why you're here.

We have you surrounded, so don't try and play

the high and mighty cop.

Drop your fucking gun!

Get on the ground, kid.

Now.

Like I was saying, worst hangover ever.

Ever.

Well, let me be honest with you, guys.

Our show doesn't really have the budget

for a fancy ass gunfight with special effects.

So, the director asked if I could narrate the rest of my adventures.

Hope you guys are cool with that.

Thank you.

Well, this is awkward.

Interior: grocery store; day.

Arthur, that's me, throws himself on the ground.

Gunshots resume.

He crawls for cover, terrified,

curls up with his hands on his ears, eyes closed.

Yep, we've done that.

Bullets are flying everywhere. Extreme slow mo.

Too expensive.

Arthur finally takes a chance.

He crawls to the back of the store and he narrowly escapes

by hiding in the fridge?

Seriously?

Why would I hide in a fridge?

Fuck. I hope the ending's better than this.

Are you kidding me?

The end fucking sucks!

Fuck, I knew I should have read this before signing.

Hey, let's get this shit back to the writers.

Get on the ground, kid.

Now.

Wait, I didn't piss myself in the old version of the script.

Fuck!

Come on!

Down, down!

Fuck! Ah!

Help me up, kid.

Hurry, there's more coming.

Let's go. Where?

Out to the van.

You're driving.

Is this guy for real?

I never got a stupid driver's licence.

Now he expects me to drive some big ass van-

Hey!

Who the fuck are you talking to?

I need you to hide in that van, now.

Come on.

Hey, listen.

Shouldn't we get you to a hospital or something?

You're bleeding like a pig.

No pun intended.

No.

We need to hide that van, now.

Hey, listen, I just want to get back to my apartment.

It's right there.

Does it have a parking garage?

Yeah.

Good. Good, we'll hide it there.

Did I just invite this psycho back to my apartment?

Hurry, fuck!

All right! All right!

Fuck.

Put it in park.

Kid, put it in park.

Give me the keys.

What's your name?

I'm-I'm Arthur.

Mine's Frank.

Now,

I need you to go find some help.

Doctor, nurse, anyone, but you got to hurry.

Wait!

Keep it quiet, okay?

Yeah.

Promise me.

♪ Baby, I'm lonely and I'm sorry ♪

♪ To have push you so far away ♪

♪ And baby, believe me ♪

♪ You complete me ♪

♪ And what else can I say? ♪

Steve?

Steve, is that you?

Arthur? Arthur! Arthur!

I'm in here, I'm in the elevator.

You got to find a way to get me out of here!

The doors won't open. There's no service.

The buzzer doesn't work.

Well, there was one guy who went to go get help,

but the piece of shit of never came back.

Wait, have you been in here since last night?

And are you kidding me?

I'm so thirsty?

Okay.

Look, I have to do something really urgent real quick,

but then I'll be right back to get you out of here.

I promise, dude, okay?

Okay, okay, okay.

Oh, and Arthur, man, I got you to your bar.

I got it here with me in the elevator.

Right. Yeah.

Thanks, man.

You can just eat that though, for real.

I know you're hungry.

Arthur, are you listening to me? I would never eat your bar, dude!

You're my hero.

Thanks, Steve.

Oh, oh, oh, and I forgot to tell you my name's not Steve.

It's Marlon!

Yeah, I'm going to stick with Steve.

Hey, dude, dude, where were you?

Malika!

Malika, come on, I know you're in there.

Please, answer, Malika!

Come on, I need you, Malika, please!

Hey, what the fuck, man?

Seriously, where the hell were you?

Seriously?

Look at these two.

Acting like they haven't totally fucked each other

10 fucking times while I was out there almost dying.

God.

I wish I had the balls to murder them like

Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot style.

Can you please tell us what the fuck is going on?

Look, I was at the grocery store and

there was this cop, and people were dying all around me,

and, and.

And what?

Guys, meet Frank.

What the fuck? Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Guys, I'm only a paramedic, we need to go to the hospital.

We can't.

Why's that?

Look, Frank, you're going to have to tell us what's really going on.

Well, can't do this like this. I need you lying down.

Frank, look, I saved your ass, didn't I?

Tell me, what did those robbers mean when they said

they knew what you were doing in the store?

Doing what?

Check the bedroom.

Kid.

Kid.

Careful.

Water.

You're risking your life for bottles of water?

These ain't just water bottles.

Water bottles are all we got left to drink

in this fucking city.

Darren.

You really think this is the right time to video?

Why don't you help me? - The world's really ending?

You bet I'm going to film every minute of it.

Talk to me, please.

What's going on?

I'm out of here, Emma.

You heard that cop, we got to leave the city while we still can.

You're just going to ditch us?

I'm going to take that truck

and I'm going to keep that water for myself,

for me and my family, all right?

Your family? Yeah.

That's bullshit.

You know there's no way out of the city in this chaos.

You just want to hoard that shit for yourself.

And what about us, huh?

We have to share what's left.

You're being so selfish right now.

Guys, can you stop arguing for one minute?

Either way, we got to go back to Frank and Malika.

Hello, please.

We need water to fill up our son's baby bottle.

Can you please spare a water bottle?

Oh, we might...

Oh, come on, I heard you talking.

All the stores are closing up.

Shame on you, I hope you die of thirst.

It's us or them, all right?

Holy balls! That's some unrealistic movie shit.

Stop filming.

Somebody!

Anybody.

There's a guy trapped in the elevator?

Yeah.

He was at our party.

Look, you guys, go ahead, I'll catch up with you.

Okay?

I want to die in this shithole.

Please!

Do something, you bitches!

Hey, buddy.

How's it going in there?

Arthur!

Buddy!

What the fuck is going on out there, seriously?

You got to find a way to get me out of here!

Arthur.

Arthur, you still there?

Arthur, you come back.

Arthur, come back here, you bitch ass motherfucker!

Still here. Oh!

Yeah.

I was just messing with you, buddy.

I've just been in here so long.

I actually don't remember my life before this elevator.

I'm going to get you help. I'll come back for you, dude.

Just stay put. Okay.

Just tell us what's really happening.

For the last time, I don't know.

That's bullshit, and you know it!

Calm down, Darren.

Guys, we have to help this dude in the elevator.

He sounds like he's going to die.

Take only two every four hours.

Got it?

Thank you, Malika.

Seriously, guys, can we go help him, please?

Guys, seriously, we have to help him!

Get in and close the damn door!

Someone will see us!

Yeah, so what if someone sees us?

If you've got an order for all this water here,

why are you hiding out here?

He makes a pretty good point, Frank.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, Frank! What are you doing?

Everyone out of the van now.

Go, go, get.

Jesus.

See?

Whatever this guy's hiding, it's worth killing for.

You know what?

Maybe he wants to keep all the water for himself, huh?

Hey, hey, Frank! Stop!

Frank, even if that's true, you still have to share

some of it with us because our neighbors,

there's elderly people and families,

and they have kids and they need that water too.

What?

I was getting thirsty.

Did you know that you need at least two liters of water a day?

Three to four when hung over?

Hey, Frank, you want to die, that's on you.

But you got to give us the keys so we can get the fuck out of here!

What are you talking about? We have to help people.

What, you want to walk towards the gunshots?

Are you fucking stupid?

Get down!

Can't you call backup?

Oh, God.

No.

We have to help them.

Wake the fuck up, blondie.

This is the dark ages all over again.

Hey, Jesus, Frank, you don't need to talk to her like that.

Emma, are you okay?

Okay, listen up, I know what you're thinking,

but if we open this door, it's game over.

We're all dead.

These guys, they're not your neighbors.

They are not your friends.

They are hardened criminals, heavily armed.

They're the ones who attack the grocery store.

You can trust me on this:

if these murderers get through that door,

they won't stop with the van.

They'll use violence.

They will plunder your home.

They are here to take everything,

everything away from you.

That water stock

is the only thing keeping us alive.

It's our only way out.

So I got one question for you all.

What's that, Frank?

Are you with me?

Yeah.

Yeah.

U.S.A..

U.S.A..

Yeah, U.S.A.!

U.S.A.!

U.S.A.!

♪ Can you see ♪

♪ By the dawn's early light ♪

♪ What so proudly we hail ♪

U-S-A! U-S-A!

Nah.

It didn't really happen like that.

We were all scared shitless.

Let's just get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, now we're talking.

For once the script writer of the show had a goodidea.

And yeah, as crazy as it seems, people freak out within

12 hours without water.

Way more than if the wifi was gone for good.

Anyways, we forced our way out from those thugs.

And it was pretty badass.

And now, well, I guess we're going to drive somewhere safe

out of the city, I hope.

Oh, shit!

I totally forgot about that Steve guy!

I hope someone helps him.

Frank?

You okay?

I love you.

Frank.

You okay?

Hey, hey, hey, no, no, no!

Look, I know you're in a lot of pain, okay?

There's no use of taking that many.

What are you trying to do? Kill yourself?

Take the next right.

Right? No, if we want to leave the city the fastest way-

We're not leaving the city.

Oh, fuck!

Okay, that's enough.

You need to tell me everything you fucking know.

What the fuck?

Say something next time you're going to do that shit!

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Drive.

I'm not going until you tell me what's going on.

Are you fucking insane?

If we stay here, we're dead.

Drive.

Malika, answer me!

Frank doesn't want to leave the fucking city

and I'm not going anywhere until he tells us why.

Alright, let's go. Help me. Come on, come on!

What the fuck! Drive!

Frank, do something!

You're going to get us all killed, Malika.

Malika!

Will you all shut up!

I'm not going until he tells us the truth.

We need the truth.

All right.

So, you going to spit it out, Frank?

Frustrating, right?

But aren't you bored with these middling plot moments

where some big, lame secret is divulged

in order to reignite the story?

You know what?

I say screw you, you lazy ass writers.

First, you made me piss myself, and now this.

Picture this:

a group of nerdy morons, barely graduated,

in charge of writing a show.

Let's call it "Skal".

Right now, they're working on the fourth episode,

and no one really has a clue what the fuck to write next.

And let's be honest, they're not getting paid enough

to give a shit anyways.

Oh.

Oh, oh.

Guys.

Guys, I've got this. No.

No. For the last time, we should have written a Bible

and an outline.

That's how it's supposed to be done.

Ben, can we get on that now?

Just listen- But no, Casey.

Because if this keeps going on, I'm going to get my credit

replaced with Alan Smithy.

Mark, all the real directors get to use that credit.

Also, we did pretty amazing with the first three episodes.

So, just listen.

Okay, what if Frank says something about the water shortage?

You know, like that it isn't just happening in their city.

Oh, that he actually robbed the grocery store himself.

Okay.

Alright.

How can you explain that though?

Also, we need to find an idea as to why the water disappeared.

Just saying.

Um, okay, well,

because the government will do anything to help anyone.

Well, Frank knows this.

So, he's just scared.

If he tells the group, they might just kick him out of the truck.

But he could actually kill everyone.

Ben, what do you think?

Ben?

Please, stop that, okay.

Join us this one time.

Yeah, yeah, that works for me.

I want that episode, the first draft of it, at least,

ready for 10:00 AM tomorrow morning.

And Mark.

Sweet little Marky, Mark.

If you speak to me like that again, I'll fire you.

All right? We clear?

Later, douchers.

Okay, Mark.

You got this?

Tomorrow. 10:00 AM.

And that's how you make an episode longer.

And in the cheapest way possible.

You going to spit it out, Frank?

Frank.

The water problems,

they don't only concern the city.

It's the entire country.

What?

The entire country? How?

Is this some kind of terrorist attack?

Is it aliens?

Is it the Russians?

They haven't figured it out yet.

My orders were clear.

Requisition all the water stocks left.

Large suppliers, grocery stores,

even the freaking corner mom and pop shops if necessary.

All of it.

The government?

What about us?

They don't have a plan.

It didn't take long to figure that out.

And I'm,

I'm just,

I need to take care of my own family.

So, that's what I'm doing.

Shit.

I knew it!

I knew it from the start.

This guy's just gone rogue.

He wanted to keep all the water for himself,

that's his big secret.

Sound familiar, Darren?

Wow, and to think, I saved your life.

I even did a stupid fist bump with you.

Just how much of a fucking scumbag are you, frank?

And then what?

What was the plan once you reached your family?

Fuck.

I think we went over something.

We can't stay here. Well, there's a flat tire.

There.

Go over there.

Oh, fuck!

What happened?

We need to change these tires.

Guess I'm changing tires.

Arthur, blondie, come here.

Hey, what about me?

Darren, you're with me.

Stop playing around.

Arthur lowers the camera while Frank hands his handgun to him.

Ever fired a gun before?

No.

I mean, yeah.

Frank's side. Emma appears confident.

She takes the gun from Arthur's hands and cocks it.

Emma gives the weapon back to Arthur.

Arthur is speechless.

Frank gives Emma a gun.

Now, listen to me, you only shoot if I tell you to.

Got it?

Arthur and Emma nod.

Frank runs to Malika and Darren.

They are working on the tires.

Malika, almost done?

This bolt's a bitch! Why?

Frank sees thugs armed to the teeth heading straight for the truck.

Frank fires at them.

Cut to black.

Role credits.

So, Frank is a gangster now?

Ben, any comments?

See?

That wasn't so bad, right?

But you know what?

We could have added more sex.

Yeah.

Make sure you add more sex in the next episode.

Okay.

We could have Frank and Malika stress fuck.

Oh, yeah, sure.

An injured cop and a paramedic.

We could also have Arthur and Darren doing it.

Yeah, we haven't had any gay stuff in a long time.

I bet the LGBTQ community would be very happy.

That's not how you reach people, and you know that, Mark.

Guys, this is brilliant.

Arthur, Darren together.

D on D action.

We're going viral!

You don't understand, this is amazing!

Okay, you know what?

I should have thought of this earlier.

You guys write this.

I'm going to go pitch this to the producers.

We are going viral, kids!

Oh!

Let's do this!

Peace.

Yeah, I got it.

Tomorrow. 10:00 AM.

Well, here we are.

One step closer to the final episode of "Skal".

And sooner or later one of us is going to die.

That's what we call the Game of Thrones effect.

Yeah, that's a thing.

So, who will the writers decide to kill?

Could it be Frank?

The lying cop, willing to do anything for his family?

Or maybe Darren, my so-called best friend.

That, I wouldn't mind.

Or it could be Malika.

Or maybe Emma.

My Emma, the love of my life

who doesn't love me back.

Oh, goddammit, aren't you supposed to be naked in a morgue?

Isn't that a rule or something?

Now, that being said,

the writers could totally decide to kill me off as well.

Me, the hero.

The charismatic man upon whose shoulders the popularity

of this entire show depends.

You hear that, writers?

Anyways.

You'll find out in the fifth episode of "Skal".

"Live and Let Die".

Oh wait.

I think that's like a Bond film or something.

You ever fire a gun before?

Yeah. Video games?

Yeah.

All you have to do is aim and shoot.

Now, listen to me.

You two don't fire unless I tell you to.

You got it?

How's it coming with that tire?

This crank sucks.

Darren, Darren!

Get down!

Hurry up with those tyres!

Darren.

Darren!

Frank!

Frank!

What are you doing?

I'm peace and health dude, fuck, Frank!

And fuck his van!

Blondie, you got to use that shotgun!

Frank, come on. Put pressure.

Hey, they need our help!

Get the hell away from me!

Arthur!

Are you fucking kidding me?

I've been dead what, 20 fucking seconds,

and they're already going at it like fucking rabbits?

No!

We need some rewrites in this bitch.

Stat!

Frank!

Get the hell away from me!

Arthur!

No. Hey, hey, hey.

Oh my God, Emma! Emma, oh my god, oh my god.

Hey, hey, hey, look at me, look at me, look at me.

Malika, Malika, Malika!

Hey, Malika, no! Run! Run!

Hey, Malika!

Come back!

Emma!

Emma, Emma, look at me, look at me, look at me.

Oh, shit!

You're the guy from the videos.

Arthur, right?

Bro, look!

It's Arthur from the videos.

Sorry for your loss, man.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

So, where were we?

Oh, wait, I know you're still not having fun.

Oh, and you are?

Come on, Arthur, I know you can't stand people.

Yeah, but I can enjoy a party.

Yeah, well, 3 million subs is a lot of people to pretend not to hate.

I know.

At this very moment, Emma got the nosebleed and well,

everything went to shit.

But that's not the point.

No, the point is

I should have had the balls to say something

about her banging Darren.

But, you know,

replaying this in my mind,

knowing now what I know about the water vanishing,

the robberies, the power outages, everything.

I still wouldn't have confronted her.

No.

I would've done something else entirely.

Yeah, well 3 million subs is a lot of people to pretend not to hate.

Oh, 3 million, hmm?

You're right.

I don't care about my subscribers.

Hell, I don't care about anyone in this room.

But, there is one person I truly care for.

My first subscriber.

Yes.

The one who first believed in me.

The one I always loved.

You.

Arthur, don't.

What are you doing? Stand up!

Emma,

I'm willing to put our friendship on the line tonight

so you can finally understand.

Emma Tyler,

will you marry me?

This is a joke, right?

This is for one of your videos?

I swear this isn't for one of my videos.

This is real. You're serious? You're not joking?

Yes. Yes?

I'll marry you, yes.

I've been waiting for this moment for so long!

I'm going to get you to the hospital.

Fuck, where are the keys?

Listen, man.

Fucking listen.

All right, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, man.

I know, I fucked up.

I'm a fucking coward, okay?

I was scared, dammit!

I'm still your best friend, okay?

My best friend?

My best fucking friend?

I saw you fucking her behind my back!

You piece of shit!

You took her from me once, and now you took her from me forever!

It should have been you.

You should have been the one to die! Not her!

Yeah, fine.

I'm a selfish piece of shit.

Yeah, you fucking think?

And yeah, I wanted to run.

But you can't put all this on me.

I tried walking away and you came after me,

she ran after you, she chose to come after you.

Arthur!

You're alive because of her.

Get out.

Listen, do you- Out!

Now!

If I ever see you again,

I'll kill you!

I know what you're thinking.

I should ask for a rewrite.

To find a way to save Emma.

But the truth is,

from the very beginning,

I've just been sharing my fantasies with you.

And that's it.

This,

right now,

this is real life.

And there's no rewriting that.

But you know what?

Maybe it's for the best.

Now we can

we can all get a break from the bullshit.

Here, can you give me your jacket?

Get on the ground, kid.

Fuck, there's no water?

Get the hell away from me!

Sorry for your loss, man.

You're alive because of her.

If I ever see you again.

You should have been the one to die, not her!

Arthur! I'll kill you.

Hey.

Arthur. That's me, and.

Arthur, that's me.

And.

Fuck.

Arthur.

That's me.

Well, to be honest, I'm having the worst fucking hangover

of my entire life.

You know, it's funny, right?

Every time you scroll through your newsfeed,

you read about these terrible events,

these disasters, wars, deaths.

Thousands of deaths.

Yet, in the end,

you don't give a fuck.

Not a single fuck.

And I mean, after all, it's to be expected.

I mean, why should you care about someone you've never met?

Someone that lives thousands and thousands of miles away

from your little teeny, tiny fucking first world problems?

And fuck, you already don't give a about your neighbours.

However,

when reality catches up,

and some serious shit goes down in your life,

it's a whole different ball game.

Fuck it.

Fuck this. Fuck this!

The truth is, the only person I ever wanted to make

a video for in the first place is.

Fuck this. Fuck this.

Arthur!

Malika!

Malika, no! Malika!

Run! Run!

Malika! Come back!

Okay, down, down.

Here, let's take this off.

Well,

it's about time.

I need you to light up the wound, okay?

This is going to hurt.

You ready?

I'm sorry.

How many kids do you have?

Two.

A boy and a girl.

How old?

Mike's eight.

And Olivia's turning 10.

My niece turned 13 last month.

You have a rude awakening on your hands.

Yeah.

I know.

Girls are the worst.

Hey.

What? My gun.

Take it.

That thing on the back.

Yeah, right there.

Yeah, that one.

This? Yeah.

Go ahead and pull it.

Good.

Now, hold it firmly and aim.

It's okay.

Malika. Yeah?

Careful.

The trigger's very light.

Okay.

Don't shoot.

Okay?

I know you have a gun.

Who are you?

My name is Nasir.

I took shelter here.

What about you?

We took cover from the storm.

Okay.

Listen, I mean you no harm.

I'm by myself and I have no weapon.

No weapon?

Right.

I'm supposed to just take your word for it?

Okay. Okay.

I understand.

So, shine your light on me.

I will walk forward with both hands visible.

Malika.

Malika, look at me.

Look at me.

Drop the gun.

Hey, pretty boy.

You're with me.

Okay, sweetie, you just extend your arms.

That's it, okay, okay, you're doing good.

Want you to just pull this back.

Pull it back.

Nicely done.

Okay, aim right between the eyes.

Take a deep breath and just squeeze, squeeze the trigger.

Squeeze it.

Good job, sweetie!

Good job! Amazing! You're really good at this.

Like a natural born killer.

That's right.

Bring in the next one.

Oh, man.

Do you have anything to disinfect the wounds?

To sew, bandages, anything?

All that's left.

And sorry, but it's all I could find.

That's okay. That'll work.

I'm Malika.

This is Frank.

I'm Nasir.

It sounds like he wants to say something, sweetie.

You want to hear what he has to say?

No! Go, no!

Don't kill me, please! Don't!

I know where there's water, okay!

I know where there's water and I can show you

where to find it.

Just please don't kill me, okay?

Please.

Is he going to get better?

With antibiotics and some rest.

He's tough.

I'm sorry.

Please, don't apologize.

I completely understand.

Where are we?

The basement of a community center.

Now, it's too dangerous.

I'm afraid we might have to leave the city soon.

But with all these new people.

You need more supplies.

More water.

And if you just don't kill me, please,

I'll tell you.

Water, guys.

I love you.

You want some bread?

What?

Do you want some bread?

Hey, do you want some bread?

I also have water.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Don't be scared.

Have a seat.

Is it for me?

Thank you so much.

The steak is awesome.

So, you know that I'm not making this shit up then, right?

You found the van?

Yeah.

Yeah, we found the van.

Man.

I thought you weren't going to believe me.

It was like out of a crazy movie or something.

I mean, if only you knew the whole story behind that water.

Yeah, about the water.

I'd like to hear the whole story from you.

'Cause when we got to the van,

all we found there

is now on your plate.

Fuck!

Skal.

♪ Light a fire ♪

♪ And wait here alone ♪

Arthur?

Excuse me.

Is it really you?

The Arthur?

I saw you from afar, and I knew it was you.

I shouldn't have.

Well, I'll just stop bothering you.

Bye.

No.

Stay.

Stay.

Please.

And you?

What's your name?

Julia.

Julia.

Can I ask you something?

Go for it.

In your video, "20 Weird and Nasty Things About Me";

is it true?

I mean, really true that you used to bite your toenails?

No, that's just something I threw in the video

just to make it funny, get views.

Why?

Did you used to do that?

No.

I mean, sort of.

Of course not.

It's nasty, right?

You totally do.

Well, I mean, if we're being honest,

yeah, I'm just playing with you.

I used to do it too.

But I quit when I was in middle school.

Can I ask you something else?

Yeah.

The girl in the truck,

was she a good friend of yours?

She was my best friend.

Well,

here we are.

Day two of the apocalypse.

And I got nothing left.

No apartment,

no subscribers,

no friends.

But I'm alive.

I'm with a group of people just like me.

Fuck.

When I say that, it almost sounds like I ended up

in some kind of TV show or something.

Anyways, now that we have enough water,

this Nasir guy is going to try and lead us out of the city.

That's all for now, I guess.

I hope that my family's safe.

My folks,

my sister,

my little bro.

So, stay tuned for the next episode of

"Arthur Versus the Apocalypse".

It's a working title.

Houston, this is Alpha. You read me?

This is Commander Johnson. Do you read me?

Is anybody there?

What's going on?

It's as if the Earth's water.