Original subtitles

Sasquatch!

He's going after rabbits.

Them rabbits are cute.

Science!

A lot of people have made the Sasquatch into a joke.

It's not a joke.

It's a living, breathing humanoid.

Of course, there are hundreds of theories as to

who or what the Sasquatch is.

Some say he's a...

some say it is an inter-dimensional being or

alien, thus explaining why no Sasquatch body has been found.

Others like Jeffrey Meldrum believe it to be a

missing link between humans and other primates,

which works, but then again, why has no body

ever been found anywhere in nature, dead or alive?

But because no definitive, 100-percent conclusive

proof of its existence has ever been produced,

it hasn't been afforded the same respect as other

scientific disciplines.

But that's going to change today.

The Damien Hogel Prize is like an Academy Award

times a Nobel Prize plus blowing up the Death Star,

all rolled into one.

That's what made Damien Hogel a household name.

Now, the Hogel foundation says they're going to

discontinue it next year...

Nigel!

Oh.

Apparently the family thinks they have a better

use for the money, so this expedition...

is pretty much our last shot.

Yes!

Checkpoint.

My brother Oscar is an indispensable

part of the project.

Now, he may not be academically inclined, but

he's got street smarts.

I guess you could say Nigel's kind of a hero to me.

He's like Lance Armstrong, the first man on the moon.

Everyone said he was crazy and that he couldn't go to

the moon.

And then he did it anyways.

You mean Neil Armstrong.

Yeah, and I'm like his Buzz Lightyear.

Buzz Aldrin.

Who?

Buzz Aldrin.

Buzz Lightyear was a doll in Toy Story.

I like dolls.

Says here Sasquatch is number one predator of the

Draconians. What's a Draconian?

That's, um, lizard people.

Let me see.

Every good expedition begins with research.

Hey Nigel.

Hey Ted.

What are you guys doing?

We're just doing some research.

We're going on an expedition to find

Sasquatch, no big deal.

Cool, cool.

Hey look, my manager is...

hasn't quite gotten past the whole

Oscar diaper scenario.

Sorry.

We tried getting funding for this trip for a long

time, but we kept getting denied until I realized

grant applications aren't so much about ideas as

they are about wording.

Try "Alabama Mountain Gorilla."

And penmanship.

That's two Ls.

And presto!

Ten thousand dollars.

Once we got the money, our a camper.

Is it on?

No.

Alright, say "whiskey."

Whiskey!

Alright, do whatever you want. Freestyle.

We've gathered a bunch of...

We've gathered a bunch of specialty camping gear for

our trip.

Compass.

Multi-channel walkie-talkies.

Beep-beep!

This is an altimeter with laser pointer.

Clif Bar.

Krazy Glue.

And emergency glow sticks, just in case.

You just break 'em right in the middle.

Well, it's not an emergency, so...

We're ready to go.

This came off again.

Ow!

Hey, close the back, I gotta get all this stuff.

Do you have the keys?

That's...

that's what I've been saying.

Most of the work that's been done so far has been

office based, so, I mean...

it's just pretty exciting to get out into the field,

kind of get out of the ivory tower, if you will.

I mean, I know it's going to be hard.

I'm not under any illusions about that, but

you don't have to have been to the woods in order

to understand the woods.

Can we find a bathroom?

I really have to go.

Yeah, I... yeah, next stop.

Does 'Squatch get a book deal?

Of course!

If Sasquatch were to fight a bobcat with rabies...

Tear it apart.

He'd tear it apart.

He's five times the size of a bobcat.

Sasquatch versus the Abominable Snowman?

There's no prize in here.

Maybe you ate it?

Oscar and I make a pretty good team.

We bring to the table different kinds of knowledge.

Ha ha ha ha!

Looks like the radiator's leaking.

Are you sure?

- Mm. - What about this hose?

Is that performing its function?

Does it go there?

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Ow, God!

Ow, God!

I don't think that's an issue at all.

I think it's a question of "will he win" if he runs

- for president. - That's a good point too.

Oscar, let's just think...

let's think things through before we say sentences.

- Mhmm. - 'Cause he doesn't have a phone.

- You know that. - You're saying that!

You're saying he doesn't have a phone.

He's in a forest!

You're saying just because he's in a forest he

doesn't know martial arts?

Nigel, I think long term.

Y-You look short term.

Okay?

We're gonna find the 'Squatch,

- I'm just saying, y'know... - Oscar, Oscar...

In two to four years, where do you see yourself?

Oscar, honestly, if I actually find a Sasquatch,

I don't have to do anything for the rest of

my life if I don't want to.

And here it is, that's Dogwood.

It's a small town in geographic terms, but

nowhere has had so many Sasquatch sightings in all

the Appalachians.

This is where we start the expedition.

Your turn's coming up.

You missed it.

I missed it.

Let's uh, turn around up here.

Shoot.

Chess!

The game of kings and sages. Heh...

Uh, are you Chuck?

No.

A-are you Chuck?

Nope.

Uh, we're here to meet Chuck.

Uh, one of his guides is going to take us...

Why'd you park over there?

Um, it's...

just for shade.

Yeah, okay.

Um, do you know where we could find Chuck?

Hey, look who's here.

Jamie!

Uh, Jamie's my buddy Todd's sister.

Um, and, me and Todd go way back, 'til, like we

were little kids, we've been friends.

- Fireball! - You missed!

- I hit you! - No you didn't, it missed!

I just hit you with that fireball.

No, you always say that! Ugh.

Um, sadly Todd died last year in a jousting accident.

For Waveland!

Anyway, um...

Uh, Jamie's Todd's sister and we have this kind of

running joke where we pretend not to like one another.

It's pretty funny.

I say that because I don't like them.

What are you doing here?

Hi J-Jamie.

I'm working for dad this summer.

I thought you were going to Paris.

Mom couldn't afford it, dad's being dad, said

America's got everything I need, so I'm spending my

summer in Deliverance.

Hey, we saw that movie.

- Mhmm. - It was good.

Gonna make you squeal like a piggy, boy.

Squeal piggy! Squeal!

Who you found there, Jamie?

Dad, these were Todd's friends Nigel...

and his brother Something.

Nigel.

You were supposed to be here two hours ago.

- We missed the turnoff. - Twice.

There was a lot of traffic.

Well, I let the guy go with another group, I

thought y'all weren't coming.

Can we use one of your other guys?

I don't work here.

I don't work here either.

Is there anyone else available?

Well, y'all come on the long weekend.

Every guide in town's already booked.

Not Samson.

No, not Samson.

Hello there.

You must be Samson.

Nope.

Uh, we're looking for a guide to take us up the valley.

You huntin' the Sasquatch?

Yes.

I met the 'Squatch once.

That's good.

Um, so...

you know your way around the forest?

I know a thing or two.

That'll have been your car.

No problem.

You're gonna need a fourth to carry your gear.

What about those guys at the trailer?

They seem nice.

Feh!

Those two ain't right in the head.

What's your problem?

What's up with fatty?

I was really happy to find Samson.

He knows the area well obviously, and he's

ex-military, which is just an added bonus.

He left when he was "Section 8," which I

believe is a pretty high level.

They have a, uh, ceramic elephant with boxing gloves.

- Did you get it? - Do you want to go halves?

He says we need a fourth.

Sorry son, bum leg.

Bad back.

No.

No, n-

Everything's falling into place.

Uh, Samson agreed to guide us, and Jamie is probably

going to come along and help out with gear.

She's just working out the details with her dad right now.

You can't do this with me!

You said I didn't have to do any guiding.

Well just think of it as a camping trip with your friends.

My friends?

Well, your brother's friends then.

He'd love for you to spend more time with them.

Todd was an idiot.

I hate camping.

I would rather watch Kristen Stewart movies on

repeat, and there's nothing you can do to

change that!

Well maybe you'd like to pay your own tuition next year.

Did you pack the coconut Luna bars?

And the peanut butter.

Dah!

So, after a few wrong turns, we've made it to

the trail head.

We're going to be here for a few days, so we kind of

packed a lot.

Is this yours?

Yeah, do you want me to carry it?

Samson brought some extra gear too to help with the

cooking...

and stuff.

You've got to be kidding me.

Hello Oscar.

Nigel.

Hello Claus.

So it's going to be like that?

Claus used to be Nigel's best friend and mentor...

'til he stole his migration data.

Of course I'm talking about the Tallahassee

Skunk Ape, which is one of the first times that I was

able to see a Sasquatch.

This is the, uh, reimagining of the picture that

I took. It was a pretty amazing time.

This is with myself. This is my painting.

It's unbelievable, the animal...

That's my migration data, Claus!

You're ripping me off!

Get him outta here!

This is such a stupid garbage class!

That's pretty much the worst thing to happen to

anybody ever.

Now they're mortal enemies, like Samuel

"Screech" Powers and Zach Morris.

Argh.

Claus!

Who are the goons?

You don't know the meaning of the word "goons."

Oh, I know goons, and I know those are a couple of goons.

Those "goons" are my assistants.

- Laura... - Lana.

- And Mark. - Chris.

Do not shake hands with them.

Nice to meet you.

Hi, I'm Jamie.

- Hey! - I'm single.

Why aren't you guys wearing your outfitted

uniform tops?

Claus, do we really have to wear the stupid matching...

Yeah.

Change.

Change in front of me.

Slower.

See, they take orders just like two good goons.

- I mean assistants. - Claus!

You're only here because of my data.

Maybe you should take your crew and go somewhere else.

I'm sorry, Nigel?

Is this your forest?

No.

It's the government's!

I can't believe this.

Things were going so well until Claus showed up.

There's not a forest in the world big enough for

the both of us.

That's a tad dramatic.

I can't believe I used to call him my mentor.

There is no one in the world more different from me.

So, only one of you guys is supposed to find Chewbacca?

You know it's not Chewbacca.

And why are you talking to him?

This is your last chance, Nigel.

We're both after the same thing.

I'm willing to team up with you if you are.

That's a good idea.

Absolutely out of the question.

Alright, suit yourself.

See you later, losers.

Now what do we do?

We find the Sasquatch first.

...a couple years ago.

I just kind of fell into collecting 'em.

Something that I didn't really plan or anything.

Do you collect?

Your idea of a stuffed animal is a little

different than mine.

Yeah, I put mine in the back of my car, I

sometimes I'll sleep with a couple of them, but I, I

get a little...

Nigel, come on.

It's really steep.

I got it, just go ahead.

It is a lot farther than I thought it was going to be.

But we've been doing some training

It was really more strength than endurance.

You eating those berries?

Don't.

Ho!

Hm.

Nothing.

Here, smell that.

Keep smelling it.

Is that a baby?

No. It's a rock.

It's a little frustrating how slowly we're going.

I'd been hoping to get there in one day, but

what can you do?

I mean, you have the people you have.

I think I'm going to vomit.

We can stop here for the night.

Here, let me help you.

What are you doing?

By moving the tent closer to the tree, you can make

use of its branches as shelter from the elements.

There's roots there.

If I move my tent there I'll have to sleep on roots.

Mhmm, mhmm.

Mild discomfort in exchange for shelter from

the rain.

My fly sheet will shelter me from the rain.

Yes.

I'm not certain where Nigel learned to camp.

Fleischmann's Field Guide To Backwoodsmanry, Second Edition.

Everything you need to know about the art of

woodland survival.

Who the is Dick Fleissman?

Well, we finished day one and we're all still in one piece.

The hiking was harder than expected.

It's made us rethink some logistical issues.

For example, how are we going to get a 300-pound

animal through ten miles of forest?

That's going to be a challenge, you know, but

it's not insurmountable.

We could use a Sasquatch cannon.

Or maybe we could summon an imaginary pegasus to

help haul it over the rainbow.

That is if we catch it and it grants us wishes.

Just don't stare right at it, okay?

Okay.

The food Samson makes is real hearty.

Like something you'd find in a Marlboro commercial.

What is this?

Soup.

Is there meat in it?

Yep.

What kind of meat?

- Possum. - Wow.

Samson, I told you I was a vegetarian.

Tell you what.

Why don't you pick the pieces out.

When we get back, bring them to a vet,

see what they can do.

Ugh!

Grandma's secret recipe.

I know a secret recipe for Rice Krispie bars.

Do tell.

What I'm saying is if you don't want to share a tent

with him, that's okay.

You could sleep in that tent with Oscar and I'll

stick with Samson.

I'm good.

When I was six and Oscar was eight, we saw the

Sasquatch.

It was Saturday morning, about a week before

Halloween, I was awoken by a noise outside.

First, I thought it was a bear, but then I saw that

it was walking on two legs and using its forelimbs to

gather food.

I suddenly realized what we were looking at.

It was the most magical experience of my life.

Nobody believed us, of course, but I swore that

day I would get proof.

And here we are.

Okay guys, time to roll out.

You get that pack on, then I'll get up.

Okay.

It's perfect.

Alright, we'll set up camp here.

So, this is the Dogwood region.

There have been sightings here every year for the

past 80 years.

- It's upside down. - I've plotted...

I've plotted the most plausible sightings here

on this map.

As you can see, there appears to be no real

pattern or distribution to them at all.

They're all over the place, and that has been

the assumption of Sasquatch researchers for

decades.

That Sasquatch forage randomly.

But, look what happens when you code the

sightings by season.

A pattern emerges.

Eastern Highlands in the Summer, Western Lowlands

in the Winter.

Every Spring, topography dictates that they pass

through this point on their way from one feeding

ground to the other.

That's where we are right now.

I don't see it.

What about the ones that are east in the Winter and

west in the Summer.

Those are what we call "statistical outliers."

Every study has them.

But they just need to be eliminated in order for

the truth to reveal itself, there.

Science.

There was a confirmed track find about 100

kilometers west of here two weeks ago.

That should put a Sasquatch through this

area in the next couple of days.

But we're not just going to get a photo.

Nuh-uh.

We're going to capture one live, and we're going to

use the oldest trick bait.

What's in it?

What's in what?

The bait. What's in it?

That's not important right now.

It's cat food and blueberries.

It's a lot more complex.

You said it was cat food and blueberries.

But there's also some salt.

Science.

Yeah.

The bait is attached to a line that leads up to a

release mechanism up there.

When the target tugs on the can, the line rings a

bell, okay?

At that point, the mechanism releases a net,

and boom goes the dynamite.

Woo!

Kablammo.

Let's try one out.

Oscar, you ready?

In this simulation, Oscar will play the role of

Sasquatch.

We'll watch from the observation station we set

up here.

And this will screen us from our quarry.

It doesn't look like camouflage.

Well, it only has to fool the casual observer.

Did your mom make it?

Yeah, she's the only one who knows how to sew.

Why's there a deer on it?

Okay, let's save questions for later.

Let's just get into position guys.

And start simulation.

Less sneaky, Oscar.

How do I go then?

Just walk.

No, Oscar.

The Sasquatch doesn't have pockets.

Well I really don't know what to

do with my hands right now.

Brother, just walk like a Sasquatch, okay?

No, just...

Actually that's pretty good.

Mmm, tasty!

Ew.

Is he eating it?

Mmm, real good.

And pull on the line!

Ahh, ahh!

And voila, Sasqwatch is immobilized.

Okay, thanks Oscar.

- That's good. - Am I done?

You're done.

He doesn't look immobilized.

Well spotted.

That is where this comes in.

You're gonna shoot Bigfoot?

We're going to tranquilize Sasquatch.

You can hit it from that distance?

- No... - I'm good!

But I'm willing to bet Samson can.

Samson, how's your aim?

I could hit a cat's poop hole on the moon.

You hear that?

He could hit a cat's poop hole on the moon.

Agh!

See that, moon cats?

You're next.

That was pretty good actually.

Yup.

Oscar, come in.

He might be down a while.

L-let me get this straight.

So, I just hiked for an hour and a half, and then

drove fifty minutes round trip to get this, and now

you don't want it.

I'm saying I want what I asked for.

This is what you asked for.

I asked for a newspaper.

That's the West L.A. Times.

Kind of splitting hairs.

Do I need to remind you how much money I'm paying you?

Mm, nope, you don't have to do it.

Alright, unbelieveable.

Oh, and can you get some mara-chino cherries.

Maraschinos. Maraschinos.

Leading an expedition is really about knowing how

to manage people.

Which is why I think Nigel's cause is a lost one.

Nigel Norman's Wild Adventures, brought

to you by The Damien Hogel Foundation.

Sure you don't want any face camo?

You're going to stick out like a sore thumb.

I'm good.

Oscar!

What is it?

Nothing. Just...

How's it going.

Good. Good.

How are you?

Dad made it pretty clear that if I quit the

expedition, he wouldn't pay for my school, so...

Ten a.m., breakfast complete.

Trees one through eight remain stationary?

Suspected donkey appears to be a log.

Observation continues.

That's good work.

Nigel, this is pointless!

There's nothing to observe.

Writing in a book doesn't help anybody.

This is a scientific exercise!

We need to make observations.

Oh, wait, I just thought of one.

I thought that was pretty clear.

Jamie's admittedly taken a little while to get into

it, but with a little guidance, she's going to

be as enthusiastic as the rest of us.

"You are a penis."

- That's an observation. - Let me see.

It's not even on the right day.

So, I'm not saying this is the worst experience of my

life, but it's pretty shitty.

No, this is probably the worst experience of my

life.

Shoot.

Jaaaa-mie.

Hello Oscar.

What's up, what you doing?

Just meditating.

What are you meditating about?

Nothing, I'm just trying to clear my mind of bad thoughts.

Come on, you must be thinking of something.

No, I'm not.

Just trying to be zen.

Oh, you're zen baby.

Yeah.

You're freaking zen.

Yeah.

A woman like Jamie?

Slow...

To warm up.

But there are ways to grab her attention.

One of those ways?

Is banter.

...colder on top of a mountain, you know, when

it's closer to the sun?

That's because the sun is made of hydrogen and

- helium and... - Go away O...

It's just a matter of time.

And make sure you log in that plastic bag we saw.

That's right, thanks.

We're just packing up the station now.

Then it's back to camp for dinner and tales around

the camp fire.

Nigel!

Say "shrimp toast."

Shrimp toast?

You must have a tale or two about your time in the marines.

Not really.

I ate a man once.

You ate a man?

Part of him.

I don't exactly regret the choice, but I'm not proud of it.

Where do you start if you're gonna eat a man?

A dead man's on a plate in front of you.

Where do you start?

Start with the face?

That has emotions.

What if those emotions go into you?

There's a chest.

That's his digestive system.

Do you want to digest all the horror he swallowed in

his life?

You start with his feet, do you go where he went?

Probably not.

So I ate three toes.

Were you marooned?

No.

I wasn't marooned, I was in a military hospital.

Some guy in the morgue dared me to eat a dead guy.

What was I supposed to do?

Made me five bucks.

Look at it that way.

Dollar sixty-seven per toe.

Arithmetic.

Thank you for your service, sir.

Yep.

Have you seen anything?

Uh, I had this one little squirrel chasing another

squirrel, but I think he got him earlier, which was pretty...

Have you seen like an eight-foot Sasquatch?

Not today.

Well look harder!

- Yes sir. - You got it.

Well, to suggest that I'm not disappointed with our

results to date would be a misrepresentation of the facts.

I'm actually very disappointed.

But I'm confident in my leadership.

With my team, we will triumph.

Oh yeah, we will triumph.

Can I borrow that?

Uh, sure.

Aw, the bait can is empty.

Sure looks like it.

Man, that squirrel has bested us again.

He's a real so-and-so.

I'll go refill it.

Nigel, how much longer are we going to do this?

It's been three days.

Just have to be patient, Jamie.

He's playing with us.

Nigel, he's not playing with us.

He's not coming.

Samson, will you back me up here?

She's right.

You're not going to catch the 'Squatch.

Thank you.

He's too smart.

He's too smart?

I heard something going through my garbage one night.

I assumed it was a bear.

Grabbed a tire iron, scare him off.

I come 'round the corner say "get out of my garbage."

It wasn't no bear.

It was a Sasquatch.

He raised a big paw, doosh, right in the jaw.

Knocked me out cold.

So, you want to stuff and mount Sasquatch because he

punched you in the face?

I want to stuff and mount the Sasquatch...

because he pantsed me.

The, the Sasquatch pantsed you?

When I woke up, my jaw was swollen and my pants and

my drawers were down around my ankles.

I'd been laying there in the all-together, unable

to hide my shame.

No, that was no misunderstanding.

But, that story is not yet fully told.

See that?

That's the tale of Samson and the Sasquatch.

Only the last few frames are missing.

That part of the story has yet to be told,

but it will be.

It will be.

Samson's revenge.

I will have my moment!

Do you want to trade tents?

Nope.

Claus!

- Lana, Chris. - Welcome.

What a surprise, Nigel!

I didn't know you were here.

Bull crap you didn't know.

What are you doing here Claus?

Well the area downstream proved to be not to my

liking, so I decided to move our observation point here.

Mhmm, where my projections put the migration route.

Really?

Well, you know what, it's a free forest Nigel If you

don't like it, why don't you move?

Why don't you move to the garbage dump, because you

know what?

You're a piece of junk.

Or better yet, take your dumb spaceship tent and

move to outer space.

Don't you dare insult my spaceship tent.

Nigel!

Whoa, that's awesome!

I found tracks.

Hey Claus.

Mark!

That's Chris.

Whatever!

Follow them!

Alright.

Must've slipped past us during the night.

Samson, how old do you think it is?

About twelve hours.

Damn.

We have to hatch a new plan.

Maybe we should team up with Claus.

I'd rather kiss Cthulhu.

He's a bad guy.

Nigel, this is crazy.

We're running low on food, we're out of toilet paper,

we haven't had showers in three days.

We should be heading home, not going further into the woods.

Jamie, I came here to do one thing, and it wasn't

"not capture a Sasquatch."

This is our last chance to win the Damien Hogel, okay?

I'm not going to be stopped by...

"not enough toilet paper."

Samson, are you seriously going along with this?

Yep, I got paid up front.

He can do whatever he wants, far as I'm concerned.

And what about the rest of us?

Hm.

Allow me to draw you a diagram.

This...

is a flea's butt hole.

And this is how much I care if you die.

You think a lot about butts.

So they say.

Has anyone seen my camera?

It was right here with my bag.

Yeah, maybe Chewbacca took it when he ate the cat food.

I think one of those weirdos across the creek took it.

Dear Nigel, since you refused to play

nice with us, I'm obliged to return the favor.

See you B-holes later.

Claus.

Nigel, what happened?

Pack up, there's been a development.

Nigel.

Nigel.

Nigel!

Where's our food?

Well it was with the camera.

Nigel, our food was in that bag!

We have nothing to eat, and it's like a day and a

half to walk back to civilization.

Well we can't afford to stop now, Jamie.

Yeah, and if we get into trouble, we can, you know,

call for help.

Call for help?

Call for help?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Maybe I'll call right now!

Hello, nobody?

Yeah, hey. Um,

We're in the middle of nowhere.

Can you send help?

Nobody's on it. Nobody's...

Hey, hold on a second nobody, I'm getting

another call.

Hello? Nobody? Hey.

Who is it?

It's "get a freakin' clue!"

He wants to talk to you.

Yeah.

Hello?

You just need to relax.

Okay?

This is all part of the adventure.

The adventure?

"Game of Thrones" on Sunday is an adventure, okay.

"Nancy Drew" is an adventure.

Coachella on ecstasy is an adventure.

This is hell.

If we were to die and go to hell, we would have no

idea 'cause it would look exactly the same as this place!

Give her a break, boys.

It's shark week.

Maybe she just needs something to eat.

I don't need to eat. I need to go home!

I need a, f... Gah!

Ow.

If Samson and I head east, we can still catch Claus.

Now, there's a ranger station right there.

A minor detour will put us on the doorstep, okay?

We'll give him your coordinates and they'll

send someone to extract you.

Jamie's not going to like this.

She'll be fine.

Watching Nigel plan is like watching a master

strategist plan a battle.

He's like Colonel Sanders.

Undefeatable.

What are our coordinates?

I don't know.

So, this is everything.

Should hold you guys over until help arrives.

What are you going to eat?

That's Samson's job.

That's terrifying.

He once kept eight men alive on dead cats and milk.

He said he resorted to cannibalism.

With only a 30 percent loss.

30 percent of eight is two and a half!

You're good.

We were only part way through the corporal when

they found us.

Turns out the cannibalism was premature.

How many people have you eaten?

My share, plus more than my share.

Enough.

Six.

And a half.

Sorry corporal.

We'll be fine.

I guess I was a little worried at first about

being left all alone.

But then I started thinking about that guy in

that movie "Grizzly Man."

He survived for months on just berries and honey and

petting bears.

Did you see the end of that movie?

Nope.

Doc Martens.

Swiss made.

How old?

12 hours.

Exactly?

12 hours eight minutes.

Can you really...

No.

But they're a few hours ahead of us, and they're

wearing shoes.

Samson's a real man's man.

You know, he's one of those meaty men who live

for for drinking and fighting and installing joists.

He's kind of like that part of me that comes out

when I'm in the backwoods.

When I cast off my academic accoutrements and

expose raw, naked, forest Nigel.

I feel like there's.... ow.

I-I'll put it with the rest of the wood.

There's just a real mutual respect, I feel.

If it came to it, I'd eat him.

Know what's weird about being in a forest like this?

Nothing?

There's no phone.

No TV, no fax.

Someone could've shot the vice president and we'd

have no idea.

You think they drop leaflets from space if

that happened?

Yes.

I'm sure Perez Hilton updates the national

forests on all the happenings.

"Dear bears, president's been shot."

What if everyone on earth was dead?

Know what would happen?

Our species would go extinct?

I'd have to sacrifice one for the team and

- drop my pants... - Nope, nope, nope.

Well what about the human race?

Nope, nope, nope. Nope we wouldn't.

I'm going to go build a raft.

Good idea.

I'm not saying it might be faster without you.

I'm saying there's no question it'd be faster

without you.

You're garbage.

Samson, I was a little slow off the mark...

You're garbage.

You're a sack of assholes.

Well, what's the point of us splitting up?

You stay here, I go to the ranger station, they find

the other two, then we keep going on your

migration route.

Well, no, I'm not waiting here if I'm not

doing anything.

I can still contribute.

W...

There must be something I can do.

Find us some dinner.

Rivers.

They are the natural highways of the forest.

What we need for those highways is a car.

That's what I'm making.

It's kind of a backup plan.

Where does this creek go?

I don't know.

Don't care.

Here we go!

This is Sparta!

Hyah!

It works!

I'll go pack my things.

What, we'll ditch the others!

Just you and me!

M'lady?

M'lady!

M'la-

Fleischmann's diagrams a sort of improvised, uh,

weapon, where you just load up a bunch of rocks

into your shoe, take a simple piece of cord...

and just like that you've got a pretty effective

makeshift weapon, okay?

Samson'll be ready to just clean it, gut it, and...

I don't think I've had chipmunk before, but it

can't be any worse than what we had last night.

And now we wait.

Just, you gotta have a lot of patience and see what

comes your way.

You know, I'm just gonna do a practice run.

Oh, shoot.

So, I think, miracle of miracles, I've finally

gotten through to Oscar.

I figure with my crutch...

Oscar, what are you doing?

I've gotta get a better view of the landscape, try

and spot the best route.

W-We already know the best route!

Oscar, damn it!

Oscar, this is ridiculous.

Tree's getting a little skinny up here but I got it.

You're just wasting time.

Gym Kata!

I'm okay.

This does not look right.

So, after a little bit of confusion, I think I've

gotten myself oriented and with any luck, I'll catch

up with Samson by dusk.

But just in case, if I don't, I do have this.

It's a Sasquatch mating call.

And with any luck, Samson hears it and comes back

for me.

There we go.

What was that?

Ah.

Oscar, Oscar?

Oscar, where are you going?

Wait!

Shh.

Agh!

Oh...

Three, two, one.

Agh.

Sorry man.

Nigel, you have no food, no guide, one shoe.

You get disoriented by trees.

I'm not going.

No way.

I worked too hard to get here.

I'm not leaving until I've done what I came to do.

You're never going to find Sasquatch because...

he doesn't exist!

You're the only person on the planet that doesn't know...

I've seen him with my own eyes, Jamie.

We both did.

I was eight years old.

I almost touched him.

Oscar, tell her.

Oscar.

It was dad.

It was dad in a suit.

He bought it for a furry party.

He thought it'd be funny if he ran around the

neighborhood in it.

- No. - Dad...

No.

I was going to tell you, but you were so excited.

I didn't want to take that away from you.

You're my brother, I love you so much.

- No, no. - I wasn't going to take that...

That's not true.

You're...

I mean, you're joking right?

I'm sorry.

Nigel...

There is no Sasquatch.

Nigel!

Gotta be freaking kidding me.

Nigel!

Nigel!

Nigel?

Nigel!

Well, well, well.

Claus.

Hi Nigel.

Where's your friends?

Did they die of mediocrity?

We got separated.

Separated, oh, that's too bad.

What are you doing here, Claus.

I thought you were a day ahead of us.

Well, we were on our way back.

This has proven to be a wild goose chase.

There are no Sasquatch in this area.

There's no Sasquatch anywhere.

Hm.

Nigel, why don't you come in and have a seat.

I'd like to proposition you.

No actually, you should walk the other way.

It's a shorter trip.

And also there's two zippers,

you have to pull one...

I'll explain when you get around to the back.

I want to be honest with you Nigel.

I've been out here for a little more than a week

and the brutal reality of camp life is beginning to

wear me down.

I would love to leave here, but I don't want to

leave defeated.

What are you getting at, Claus?

A proposal.

A deal.

You scratch my back, I scratch your back.

You know?

Listen, I have the wherewithal to produce a

Sasquatch encounter.

- Very convincing. - You want to cheat.

No.

I want to win.

And what do you want me to do about it?

I want you to vouch for me.

You see, in the Sasquatch community, I'm sort of

known as...

well, let's just say that any submission I put in

front of the committee will be critical, they'll

be very critical of it.

But if it has your name attached, they have to

consider it very seriously.

I don't think so Claus.

I think so Nigel.

We could win the Damien Hogel prize.

$500,000?

Just imagine what kind of toys you could buy with that.

Make a decision right now, Nigel.

Swear to me on your mother's grave that...

My mother's still alive.

Okay, Sorry. Um....

Swear on your grandmother's grave...

My grandmother's alive too.

Jeez, you have a really healthy family.

Listen, swear on this.

That's the Fleischmann's Field Guide to

Backwoodsmanry, second edition.

First edition.

Come on, you've got nothing to lose.

Swear on it.

No.

You are making a huge mistake.

Huge!

- Huge mistake! - No.

You're the one making a mistake.

I don't make any mistakes.

Name one thing that I've done wrong.

One, putting up this bubble tent in the summer.

It's like a greenhouse in here.

Yeah, it is pretty hot.

Yeah, it's really hot.

Two, stealing my migration data.

- Okay, that's two things. - Yeah.

There's plenty of other ones I could list

off if I wanted to.

I'm waiting.

Those two goons you hired.

They don't know what they're doing and they

don't respect you.

How about that?

I hear them making fun of you behind your back

all the time.

About what?

Wearing riding pants and boots.

- It's silly. - What's wrong with this?

If you had it to do all over again, would you wear

these riding pants?

No, probably not.

That's a mistake then, isn't it?

Okay, okay, I got it.

The mistakes are piling up, aren't they.

Get out of here!

- I was going to. - Good!

Goodbye.

Fine!

Which zipper is it?

It's the top one.

You pull it down...

n-not across, down.

Why are there so many zippers?

That's the, it's the future of housing!

Mark, Laura!

- What? - Go after him!

Seriously?

Go after him.

Hey, where's your jackets?

Over there.

Put 'em on.

It's really weird you want us to match all the time.

I worked really hard on those jackets.

Put 'em on.

Put 'em on right now.

Hate him.

Nigel!

Oscar!

You've gotta be freakin' kidding me.

Nigel?

Nigel!

Okay, alright.

Okay, let's just, let's just, let's just take a break.

I, uh...

I'm not real big in the whole, jog, uh...

I'm done.

I just feel like a burger,

- like a burger... - No, a beer.

And blend it together.

Ooh, a blended burger and beer.

That's disgusting, let's just.

That's awesome.

Now who's the smart one?

Batter up.

I can't find Nigel anywhere.

Follow me, Oscar.

Move over.

I got dibs on next game.

He's good.

He looks smart, are you smart?

Hey wait, do you guys know where the manager's office is?

Don't bother them, 'cause they're on a family picnic.

Can you pass the iced tea?

Yeah.

Pfft, disgusting you...

That's unsweetened!

How can they make unsweetened tea up here?

They're rude, I know.

So this is our ranger's station.

We'll have a search started within the hour

but it's not looking good in finding him out there.

Nigel!

Nigel, are you okay?

- Hey, are you alright? - Nigel!

The camera, where'd you find it?

I didn't.

Nigel, what happened to you.

I dunno, I ran into Claus and then his goons tried to

kill me, and then I fell.

They tried to kill you?

Well, they yelled at me.

How did you get here?

Nigel, are you still mad at me?

Nigel?

Nigel, I'm sorry.

Nigel, I'm sorry!

So, the ranger said it's about ten minutes from

where we left the car.

He said he'll give us a ride, but Nigel won't get

in the truck.

Because God hates me.

Nigel.

What do you want?

You know, just because it was dad in a wookiee suit

doesn't mean the Sasquatch doesn't exist.

Oscar, don't you understand?

That was the only evidence I had.

I mean, what else is there.

A few footprints and some hair?

That could be from anything.

What about your research?

My research is meaningless!

Damien Hogel is meaningless.

And do you want to know what the worst part is?

It's that you were the one who knew.

All these years, all these skeptics, all the people

who made fun of me, none of it mattered

because I knew there was one person who believed in me.

But it turns out my brother knew I was an iditot.

Nigel...

Just go.

Just tell Jamie your pathetic brother will walk home.

Do you remember when I made that Mr. T out of

macaroni and the bullies from AV Club smashed it?

Yeah, I remember.

Do you know what that project was about?

I don't know, Oscar.

You did so many macaroni projects.

It was about the person I admired most.

I guess it was supposed to be an essay, but I loved

working in macaroni.

It was a good Mr. T.

I only said it was Mr. T because everyone was

laughing at it.

I was too embarrassed to tell them it was supposed to be you.

You made me out of macaroni?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Nigel, you may be my younger brother, but I

really look up to you.

It doesn't matter to me if Sasquatch exists.

I just want to hang out with you.

You're my macaroni hero, Nigel.

You always have been.

Thanks buddy.

Well.

I guess we should get going.

Okay.

What about Samson?

Samson will be fine.

He's Samson.

At least we got some good photos.

Yeah.

Hey Nigel, look at this.

Holy Damien Hogel!

Oh, hey, you guys ready to go?

Jamie, you've gotta see this.

How do I look?

Lookin' sharp, buddy.

You've got a throat lozenge in your hair.

I'll save it for later.

You're money.

I don't know.

Do I think I believe in it? I...

I'm willing to entertain the possibility at this point.

I guess it was a learning experience in the way that

"Lord of the Flies" was a learning experience.

But at least those kids got to kill Piggy in the end.

Mr. Norman, you said you have irrefutable proof of

the Sasquatch's existence.

This is irrefutable.

What is that?

Is that a toothbrush?

It's Nigel's.

My toothbrush is orange.

That's yours.

Well, not that we really care to know, but can

you perhaps tell us where that toothbrush was?

I'll tell you right now.

Don't.

- No, I will. - No.

Go ahead.

Even though it isn't germane to this

investigation, you know darn well that that

toothbrush went up the Sasquatch's butt.

Gentlemen, unless you have something more substantial

than this to show us, we're going to have to

call this meeting to a close, I think.

This whole thing is a joke.

Good day.

We didn't take them.

The Sasquatch did.

You big...

dummy.

Do I see this as a defeat?

No, no.

Far from it.

Yes, I was unable to turn Nigel.

Yes, my assistants have abandoned me.

They think that leaving me alone here in the woods to

my own devices is some form of punishment.

What they don't understand is that with a few

rudimentary supplies, I could stay out here forever.

There are few places that I feel more at ease than

in the forest by myself.

What the was that?

I need to get some new insoles.

Remind me.

I guess some people will be skeptics no matter what

you show them.

It doesn't really matter what a bunch of judges think.

We know what we saw out there was real.

We've proven to ourself that the Sasquatch exists.

That's all that counts.

I don't feel the need to go back to the forest.

I think that we got what we went there to get.

The most important thing we took away from this

whole experience is personal growth.

We changed as people.

We learned.

Maybe that's what Damien Hogel wanted all along.

Nice job, buddy.

Thank you.

Maybe try one with the lens cap off.

Science.

Son of a...

I'd love to tell you about the diaper incident, but

it's classified.

What did he say?

Uh, Oscar wore diapers well into his teens.

He didn't need to, and he didn't use them the way

diapers are used.

He just liked the feel of it.

So...

He was potty trained at a reasonably typical age,

but he chose, maybe partly just for fashion, um, to stick

with that diaper look.

And he got plenty of razzing, you know, but,

no one's gonna, no one's gonna change Oscar.

And that's the great thing about Oscar.

He's a fat liar!

Yeah, well Nigel doesn't have a good memory.

He has a great memory.

And I was 12.