Original subtitles

Thank you.

Hey Kendra, what's up? Barbie, I've been trying to get a hold of you all

morning. Where were you?

At the store.

The place was a full on crazy house. They were out of like... Everything.

Sanitizer, disinfectant wipes, bleach.

Not a good time to be a germaphobe. Damn straight.

Girl, this chick straight up tried to karate chop me for the last pack of

paper. I was like, if you need it that bad, take it, hooker.

Uh, Barbie, you need to turn on the news.

News? Ew.

Symptoms of the coronavirus include sore throat, headaches, fever, dry cough,

shortness of breath, and fatigue.

Coronavirus?

Is it a holiday?

Holiday?

Yeah. Why is everybody drinking beer? The coronavirus, or COVID -19, is an

unprecedented and deadly strain originating in Wuhan, China. Wuhan?

But I love that it wrapped group.

Citizens are asked to immediately quarantine themselves and have as little

physical contact with one another as possible. Complete isolation is the key

stopping the spread of this virus.

So like a typical Saturday night, then? We repeat, signs that you may be

infected are a sudden fever, chill, sore throat, aching joints, lack of energy,

and in some cases, moderate to severe death. Death? Ladies and gentlemen, we

have some disturbing breaking news. That sounds bad.

We are receiving confirmed reports that the infected are somehow transforming

into violent and ravenous flesh eaters.

For lack of a better word, Corona zombies.

Corona zombies?

Yeah, Corona zombies.

Why couldn't they be like Heineken zombies?

That stuff is skunky.

Or like Chardonnay zombies.

I'll call you back.

Okay, be safe.

Breaking news.

We have just received shocking video of what is believed to be ground zero of

the virus.

This was taken moments ago at the Wuhan China Scrambles Soup Factory, where they

were testing their newest flavor, bat soup.

Warning, this footage is disturbing.

Hurry! Shut down the goddamn soup pots now!

Yes, Doc, down it here. Clam chowder. Something's wrong, Chief. Look, the

kettles from Sector 9 are over -pressurized.

Keep pushing. No use, sir. The seals in the bathtub kettles have already burst.

Is it soup yet? We've got to cool off the kettles or they're going to blow.

The cream of mushroom is scalding.

The minestrone is reaching meltdown.

Attention all emergency personnel.

Shift on, if you can. Meet me up on sector nine. We've got to turn the heat

manually. And don't forget your gas mask.

So, yeah, I'll see you there.

Look at this place.

I haven't seen this much smoke since this noob dog got here.

Give it a rest, Derek.

Everyone, look for the manual shut -off valve.

It's metal.

It's got like a little... What's it called? The dial with the numbers.

There it is.

The only way to end this madness is to turn the... What the... My God.

It's Jerry the Prep Cook's apron.

But where is he?

and the cherry I know. What have you become?

Well, I hate to say I told you so, but I never thought that soup was a good

idea.

I'd better cancel that two o 'clock potato soup meeting.

People have been transformed into flesh -eating zombies.

They're all dead, but...

Alive.

No!

Emergency! Emergency!

Accident on modular turret!

Emergency! Attention all Scrambles employees.

Chef Donahue speaking.

Just a few quick announcements. First of all, the company picnic on Saturday has

been cancelled. Bowling night will be rescheduled until further notice. And oh

yeah, one more thing.

Run free alive. Splash heating coronas on these have been unleashed. And are

currently taking over the world.

You're healthy.

you will probably go through a process and you'll be fine.

Oh, my God.

You never should have given that woman the last roll of toilet paper.

That was like rolled gold.

Hey!

have any toilet paper. People are literally killing each other for a role

I think my garden hose might reach my bathroom window.

Ew, you have paper towels.

Yeah, but then I would have to use Vaseline.

That stuff is rough.

And I have sensitive skin.

Damn.

Wait.

of Corona zombies continues to multiply by the hour.

Oh my god, are you seeing this?

What's happening now?

All the nail collars must be shut down. Everyone's in need of a serious mani.

Yuck! The president has declared a nationwide lockdown and a special task

the Corona Squad, has been assembled to help protect America from the increasing

amount of hoarders and pirates, all of whom are trying to capitalize on this

catastrophe.

Authorities warn that if you're one of the idiotic people who are still

gathering in large crowds, immediately take a long, hot, soapy shower and stop

touching your face.

as we are receiving word that the immediate toilet paper shortage was in

caused by a hijacked cargo ship. We take you now live to the scene as the Corona

Squad have cornered the hijacker and are preparing to move in. Not now!

First of all, I want to make one thing very clear.

The President wants us to take this guy alive.

Capisce? Which means he and I... Catch him as we go get a massage?

Let me try this again, Argento. The thug's the only one who knows where the

stash is.

Though we locate the road, got him like a fish. Just get him alive.

If we capture him, we'll be heroes.

I can finally get laid.

You got that right.

Every night.

I'd love to bang a Chinese midget.

You listen to me, you bastard.

Either my demands are met, or you can keep wiping your butt goodbye for a very

long time.

Do you hear me? If I don't get five million zillion dollars, a Russian

and a gift certificate of P .F. Chang, it's over. You have ten minutes or my

hostage is dying.

Who is?

The Corona Squad, man.

The identity of the toilet paper hijacker has been uncovered.

He's Claude Francois, a failed French -Canadian gymnast who turned to a life

crime after not winning a Matt Dillon look -alike contest.

Yes? Good.

We've just received word that satellite photography has revealed that Francois'

mother's home may be the location where the shipping containers of TP are

hidden. The Corona Squad are taking their positions and hopefully bringing

harrowing moment in history to an end.

I'll return to Real Housewives of Quebec.

Get in the corner!

Remember, whatever you do, take them alive.

Shoot the son of a bitch.

Roll die.

They are storming the building. Get down, Mr. Southfire.

Quick, out the window.

We are on the 21st floor.

To Corona Squad, you will all meet your maker.

Watch your step.

He's running a smoke machine.

That's our grenade smoke, you asshat.

Hey, you fruity French freak!

Oops. We shot some of the hostages.

Where did you stash the toilet paper, Francois?

You'll never find it. But you won't be needing toilet paper. You're headed.

You

know,

he really does look like Matt Dillon.

We interrupt this broadcast for more breaking news as the number of Corona

zombies continue to spiral out of control.

Just moments ago, hordes of Corona zombies converged at the Tits and Eagles

strip club in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, just as headliner Miss Anne Howe and her

48s took the stage.

Dozens of patrons were injured and or eaten as the undead flooded into the

business. Authorities say the death toll would have been significantly lower had

many of the customers not insisted on staying to try and catch part of Miss

Howe's bodacious act.

One victim was quoted as saying, yes, there were Corona zombies everywhere,

did you get a load of that ass?

Please let this footage be a reminder to everyone watching.

Social distancing, washing your hands, and most certainly steering very clear

bad soup is the new norm in our world.

I get Corona.

At the end of the day, I'm not going to let it stop me from partying. I think

they're blowing it way out of proportion.

I think it's doing way too much. So we're just hanging out with them and

to get drunk before everything closes.

According to our satellite, dozens of semi -trucks have been making drop -offs

to a house not far from here. I predict we find that GP stash before nightfall.

Let's hope so. But Francis was right.

We'd better move fast before we're outnumbered by Corona zombies.

Corona Squad to headquarters.

We're moving in.

10 -4, Corona Squad. Good luck out there.

The world is counting on you. At your service, Commander.

Buckle up. Let's do this.

Let's make it quick. I'm starting to get a bad feeling about this.

Let's roll.

Hold on.

Sorry. I'm not used to a thick ship.

Careful, he's picky at it again.

Dammit, I told you we should have enrolled him in private school.

There's too much biting in the public school system.

I can't believe you insisted you come to work with me.

Bring your kid to work today, my ass.

Excuse me, driver. Is this going to be long?

You just sit up back there.

You want full service? You should have called an Uber.

Supplemented income, my ass.

I should have listened to my mother and never married a wannabe rock star. John

Broad, I'm telling you, White Thunder, it's about to break. Why can't you just

support my goals and dreams for once in your pathetic goddamn life?

Oh no, it would be too much to have to have you encouraging and cheering me on.

Doesn't matter that I've supported you all these years.

I want a goddamn divorce.

Driver, let's get moving, please.

Oh, sure, lady. Pile on.

Naturally, the famous Barbara Jensen, lady reporter, has no sympathy for a

struggling musician.

Oh, you two may be living in your own bubble of fame with your investigative

reporting and sucking up to politicians.

That's it. I'm calling Uber.

Do yourself a favor and dump him.

Smile, Barbara. Say cheese.

We have to call a car.

Just a little pre -roll before you help find a cure for the Corona zombie.

Now smile for me, baby.

I need a moment to myself.

Yes, of course you do. Go ahead. Give me my thumb all the time.

I'll be right back sweet babies.

Excuse me, are you okay?

Father?

Father?

Mom?

Hi, sexy ace reporter.

Tell us how you're going to try and help end all this corona madness.

If anybody can do it, you can.

Are you kidding on me in the workplace?

Yeah, I suppose I am.

You're not going to get all Me Too on me now, are you?

Zach, I love your band.

The Corona zombies have already

spread to the countryside.

My God, they're hideous.

Listen to them.

They kill like monsters.

Are you sure they're Corona? They look like they're drugged out of their mind.

Maybe Charlie Sheen has a summer home around here.

I don't know.

I couldn't say.

Francois' mother's house is right over those mountains.

We'll take that road up there.

Let's do that.

What if the old broad is armed? What do we do?

We'll take her out just like we did her son.

Now let's hit the road.

Stop grinding those gears.

Dad, Dad.

What are we going to do?

Don't make any sudden moves. We have to be very careful about this.

You're right.

Right down the middle.

This isn't her house.

Must be further down the road.

Let's check those empty buildings for any clues.

Let me know if you find any old panties.

Start the car.

Start the car.

Isn't that Barbara Jensen from the news? Hey, what's wrong?

The Corona zombies have migrated north.

They're just around the corner. They were coming right for us.

Argento, Shemp, go check it out.

Yes, Commander.

Follow my lead, Shemp. And whatever you do, do not cough near me.

What's wrong, man? Spit it out!

The kid.

He's...

This guy also drives for Grubham.

Come on, kid.

You're due for a serious timeout.

Corona Squad, freeze!

Get down on your knees, now!

No, hold it. We've got to test them first.

Test three positive!

That'll teach you to not wash your hands.

Back off!

Haven't you heard of social distancing?

Six feet, kid!

Six feet!

He's a zombie!

How dare you defy me by dancing!

These mothers have more lives than I do.

I'll never lick another doorknob as long as I live.

next time.

These have been eating pancakes.

Let's put a cherry on top.

Miss?

Miss?

Miss?

Your turn.

You sure the quarantine is over by the end of April?

Madam? I've got to get some hydrogen peroxide on that.

I think we should have some meth on.

Or some hand gel, at the very least.

All right, squad, here's the plan.

We go to Francois' mother's house to see if that's where the toilet paper is

stashed. I've got to get to the native village.

The shaman there might hold the key to curing this.

Then we'll stop by on the way.

Hey, my brother, do you need your windshield washed?

Who knew there was one remaining native village right smack in the middle of

Baltimore?

It's a tribe, not unlike the Amish.

They're holding on to their ancient customs.

And this reporter, do you think they might hold the key?

We're certainly going to find out. We've got to stop this coronatastrophe one

way or the other. Just think, soon this will all be over, and we'll be back to

body shaving.

And working out naked in front of a mirror. Where the hell did they come

I'm not sure, but something tells me they haven't sprayed that boat with

all in a very long time.

All right, I say we break up into two groups and escort her in.

Let's do this. No time to waste.

We've got to make a plan.

Those drumbeats sound hostile. One wrong move and they could capture us, or

worse. God, what if they time me and beat me?

Come on, how dangerous can they possibly be?

If they decided you were their enemy, they could easily take all of you out.

These indigenous people are very advanced despite their culture.

There's good reason they've survived the wilds of Baltimore for all these years.

You seem quite infatuated, lady.

I don't like your tone, Mr. Stupid Blue Hat.

What the hell are you projecting?

You tell me.

Enough now.

How should we get you in there?

I'm going in alone.

I know what they'll respond to.

I really know how to start a conversation.

Drive slowly.

Try to blend in to the scenery.

Our modern vehicles and cultured mannerisms may startle them.

Unlike the Amish, these natives are cannibals. And face it, she's good

Whoa, this broad really knows how to commit to a cause.

Nothing like a tight ass and a face full of clown makeup to help try and solve a

worldwide pandemic.

She just might find a cure.

Didn't I see these guys perform at Knott's Berry Farm?

Are you sure this is a good idea?

We're sending a naked woman to the jungles of Baltimore.

What could possibly go wrong?

I hope she's wearing sunblock. I'm going to meet them. Come back in an hour. And

no peeking.

Hey, what up, girl?

I wish I had a swing like that on my front porch.

Hey, baby.

Baby, where'd you get all that?

You better work, honey.

Why are you waving crops, white girl?

Breaking news as the murder and mayhem unfolds at the Tits and Yiggles Strip

Club in Sherry Hill, New Jersey, as hordes of Corona zombies continue to

the horny bastards that continue to ignore the quarantine order.

This footage should be reason enough for you to please stay at home and help

flatten the curve, no matter how desperate you are to see a naked woman.

About the virus that's transforming humans at such an astonishing rate.

More importantly, how should you react should you find yourself in the present?

Hello? Is anybody there?

I don't have anything you want.

Nothing of value, anyway.

No money.

No jewelry.

Yeah.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

We return now

to our live remote cameras as the Corona Squad has launched a search for our

star reporter, Barbara Jensen.

Where the hell is she?

She should have been back by now.

She's gotta be... getting cold.

Maybe she's on her way back.

It's either that or dead.

You ever spend time alone in the bushes?

I don't go that route.

Let's go back.

Maybe she's waiting for us at the convoy.

Hey, uh, do you, uh, smell prosciutto?

Mother of God, look at that!

Gil, suppose this belongs to her. She did have manhand.

Who's that?

Hey, buddy, come down from there or I'll shoot.

He's dead, you moron.

Is that one of the Corona zombies?

We're not staying around to find out. Let's haul out.

Let's roll.

This place is crawling with those things.

They're throwing bodies into the trees.

My God.

You led them right for us.

Either that or we're about to experience a gospel brunch.

This is the perfect opportunity to get that B -roll I was hoping for. Get in

car! Hey, unhand me, you brute!

This is my shot at the big time.

It's worth losing the limit, too.

Yanni!

Yanni! Come back!

Yanni!

Yanni!

Come back!

No promotion is worth this!

What? the camera. Make your lips daddy.

Make love to the lens like your stepdaughter's mom just passed away.

That's it, boys.

Start the car.

We're not leaving here.

I said start the car, Shemp.

Yanni, this is suicide.

Now let's lose those shirts, fellas. Work it.

No!

All right, buddy, the fashion shoot is over. Get your ass back to the van.

Damn, forgot to load it.

Hurry, they're charging.

Shoot it in the money maker.

Go for the ears. It's the head, damn it.

It's the head.

I got it. Then do it, now. I got it, I got it.

Bust their cap in the ankle.

If you're not mad enough.

Then I am.

Stay right here and learn from my hand of the match.

How's that sound?

Stop!

Haven't you seen any, George Romero? It's the head!

You gotta shoot him! It's the head!

Oh my God, he's a total idiot.

That's a wrap on the photo shoot.

Now!

Bring it on. I bet your mama's real proud of you. Speaking of your mama,

so ugly, she tried to join an ugly contest once, and they said, sorry, no

professionals.

Your mama is so fat, her belly button gets home 15 minutes before she does.

Enough stick, Argento. Wrap it up. Get over here.

Come at me, bro.

Come at me.

Enjoy living while you can.

You heard the president. You'll only be around for another three weeks. Go

ahead, try and eat me. Just try.

What are you waiting for?

Let's go.

Let's roll, Argento.

Come on. Hey, you, move.

Look at me.

No mask, no gloves.

Ah, I get it. You want a little bite out of me, huh? It's cracking up. We have

to bail.

Do I look delicious to you? I bet I do.

Dinner is served.

Not before you have your first course!

Did you get any information from the shaman? He told me this pandemic is the

only way of telling us to be kinder to him. Got that right.

Corona zombies were just seen walking north into the wooded area outside the

city. All citizens are advised to arm themselves.

All right. The mother's house is just a few miles ahead. Start loading the

weapon. We'll hide the vehicles and sneak up on the old broad.

Be alert.

I need total professionalism from you guys.

Baby ready to fall down and go boom?

Whee!

Damn it! I wanted to go down myself!

Ah,

slow adult.

Anybody else starting to get hungry?

All right, let's go check out the house.

Looks like the house from Golden Girls.

Right here. I don't even know how to shoot this thing.

All clear.

Everyone keep your eyes peeled for anything out of the ordinary.

Be ready for danger where you least expect it.

Shemp, go take a look out there. Yeah, okay.

Let's split up and look for signs of that toilet paper. Check outside for

shipping containers.

I'll go up there.

Randy, Argento, look for the old broad.

Look, she wears lederhosen. Maybe she's a hot German cougar.

Knock knock singing telegram

I put cross -dressers.

No heels?

I'm from Publishers Clearinghouse. I'm here to tell you, you're a winner!

Watch where you're going, fruitcake.

Wake up. Someone sent you a stripper gram. Let's get naked

Let's see those goat titties

Not

getting information out of you

this place is a dump

Terrorist or not, this woman lives like a lazy, filthy lady pig. Smells like a

smoky bedspread in here.

I wonder if she has any Nutella.

Stay here.

out of brain.

My God, lady, you look like Barbara Bush on meth.

Sorry, lady, I'm into Puerto Ricans.

Where is the toilet paper?

are ready for their close -up.

Abort mission. Get in the car.

Fucker. He's all cracked up.

Come on.

Just do it. I can't take any more cable news anyway.

Kill me.

Just kidding.

See you, meatloaf.

In hell.

He's a loose cannon. East Corona squad back on.

On second thought, maybe you're right.

Randy, pull him inside.

Just believe it. This is for Joe Exotic.

No way. This is my Christmas morning.

That's it.

Holds perfectly still.

My work is done. Let's blow this pot to the stand. We don't have to wear a body

condom on Christmas morning.

Anybody down to go grab breakfast?

sugar in our gas tank! As if crapping on Good Friday wasn't enough!

Help me!

Please stop the call! Keep them out! Back off of me, Barbara!

They're all corrupt everywhere!

Blast the radio!

Count the horn!

Anything! I'm gonna spot my ass! You can't even get the car stopped!

news as the mayor has called off all attempts to save the horny bastards that

continue to show up at the tits and eagles strip club in cherry hill new

as one by one both strippers and customers are transformed into ravenous

zombies city officials are designating martial law as the government continues

to try and contain the virus at the same time trying to resolve our terrifying

toilet paper footage

I would love to have the country opened up and just raring to go by Easter.

I mean, I think so.

I'm not in the belly of a Corona zombie, so I guess.

This lockdown sucks.

It's been like two hours and I'm already bored.

I know, right?

And it's Taco Tuesday too.

How long do you think this is going to last?

You're saying we might be stuck here for months.

This is serious.

Who's stupid idea was this anyway?

This is so not fun.

Global warming?

Biological warfare?

Oh, wait, the contestants from The Bachelor.

Wait, that was President Herbie's outbreak.

I don't know.

Wait a second.

Jim Bob.

What about that moron? I can't believe you dated that loser.

Uh, he was hot the night I met him.

You were way drunk, and he was, like, never hot.

Okay, anyway, he was a survivalist. He left a ton of supplies here.

Where? In the garage. I have earthquake, and get your hands off my shit, you

smelly Democrat supplies out there.

And? And, there's toilet paper!

news is the Corona Squad have aborted their mission to locate the missing

paper and are heading for the location of the initial Coronas on the outbreak,

the Scrabble Soup Company.

Officials hope the Squad can find clues there that may help bring this all to an

end.

Great.

Do we have time for a romantic stroll on the beach?

Looks like those Corona bastards beat us to it.

Watch that road.

Yeah, I figure.

Just another day in the life of the Corona Squad.

Now what in the hell do we do?

We could ditch the car and go by boat.

Either that or disguise ourselves as Corona zombies.

Where'd you say that boat was?

In the back of the van.

Hopefully, we have room for everyone.

If we don't, that photographer's dead meat.

We better get moving.

It'll be dark soon.

Let's roll.

Everyone stay together. If Corona show up, start drooling and act like a

It works on the walking dead.

You sure don't make inflatable boats like they used to, huh?

Says the guy who wouldn't help blow it up.

All right, let's work together and push.

That's it. We got it.

I gotta hold on.

Push!

Dang. I forgot the ice check with the fam.

Okay, let me get the oar.

I've done this before.

Okay, okay, wait, wait. Wrong way. Wrong way.

Corona coming!

Quick,

everyone lay down. Act like a stiff.

My God, they're waving goodbye.

These things are gaining intelligence at an astonishing rate.

Bon voyage!

Here. There it is.

It's beautiful.

The plan is to get to the ninth floor and take samples of the soup that caused

all of this mess.

Be aware of your surroundings.

There still may be a Corona zombie or two still in the building.

All right, follow my lead.

Together we can put an end to this.

Come on, Barbara, pull your weight!

To think such a terrible pandemic started in a building covered in water

That suit was created to bring people joy, not to force them to wash their

and gel up after intercourse.

Keep your eyes peeled.

These Corona have keen wit and lightning -fast moves.

Hey, Chad.

How do we get to the 9th floor?

I don't know.

But first, I really need to take a leak.

Up there.

When this hell ends, this would be a great location to shoot a music video.

You're right. It's very steampunk. Come on.

Come on, Rude Cake. What could possibly go wrong? The building's totally empty.

I want to go to the scene of the meltdown.

Elevator. Go call the other one.

soups and gravies, it's this way.

Stay close.

Corner squad!

What is it? I heard something in the cream corn room.

Stay near the elevator.

Back up!

They're so spiteful.

Out of respect, we should be filming him.

Randy, run down to the boat and get his camera.

The horror!

My Corona Scalp!

I can't paint it!

This is for the victims!

This is for closing...

And this is for getting Burning Man cancelled!

Thanks to you, I can't even hook up on Tinder anymore!

Plenty of fish, Grindr, all of it! I'll never bang a random ever again!

Wait!

Stay back!

I take it all back!

I'm just a little tired! I have low blood sugar!

What a world!

What a world!

I'm starting to think that this was a bad idea.

Now the tomato soup is overheating! That's not tomato soup.

It's what's left of Argento!

I'm getting a leg cramp.

Oh, God.

Abort mission!

My God, just look at them.

They're dead. They're all...

So things are all going to miss out on the stimulus package benefits.

Barbara, I know this probably isn't the best time for this. I haven't been with

a woman for a very long time.

So, since this is probably it, I get one last look at those tremendous knockers

of yours.

One last sacrifice for what's left of the Corona Squad.

I'll be dead, but let me die a hero who just saw a terrific set of boobies.

I guess this is it.

I'll never find the cure.

I just think I'll never go to brunch.

Ever again.

Jack?

Argento, what have you done to your hair?

Commander Chad, it's not too late. Fight it, man.

Argento, no. We're friends.

I'll set you up with my cousin.

moment in history.

We should try to be kinder, gentler, a better person than we were yesterday.

After all, all we are is dust in the wind.

The takeaway?

Wash your hands.

And get your shit together.

Come on, toilet paper.

I know you're in here.

Are you sure it was just hallucination?