Original subtitles

Previously on...

Hey, Alan, meet my mother, Robin.

Nice to meet you, Alan. Likewise.

(giggling)

I know what I want for Christmas.

Bridget? I can't sign the divorce papers.

I love you, and I want you back.

I want you so badly.

I... want you, too.

I don't think it's a good idea to sleep with you,

since I started seeing someone new, and I think she might be the real deal.

Not that you weren't the real deal; you're just

the ex-real deal, and she's the next real deal.

I can't believe you waited till I was half-naked in your bed

to tell me you were seeing someone else.

Kinda hard to bring up while you're taking off my pants.

Go to hell, you son of a bitch!

That didn't go as well as I'd hoped.

I wouldn't worry about it. She doesn't look like the type to carry a grudge.

* Men...

Oops.

What?

Nothing.

A social media company I invested in just went belly-up.

Oh, no. How much did you invest?

I don't know. About $80 million.

(choking): $80 million...?!

Eh, give or take. Mostly took.

And-And you consider losing that kind of money an "oops"?

Yeah.

No, no, no. "Oops" is when you clip your toenails

too close and they bleed.

"Oops" is when you mistake

toothpaste for lubricant.

"Oops" is when you thought a fart in the elevator

was going to be silent.

You've mistaken toothpaste for lubricant?

Just once.

Stung like hell, but my penis was minty fresh.

Wait, how do you know it was minty fresh?

Years of yoga and loneliness.

(phone rings)

Uh-oh. What?

Ex-wife.

Uh, see, that's the correct use of the "uh-oh."

Hello, Bridget.

Yeah, I just saw.

Yes, I know half the money is yours.

Was yours.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way,

but I'm still the president of the company

and I can invest the money any way I want.

What do you mean, "We'll see about that"?

Well, I can't do that, Bridget.

But apparently, Alan can.

H-Hello? Bridget...

"Uh-oh"?

"Oh, crap."

Oh... crap.

Yeah, that's better.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

you've got your board meeting, but I don't see the point.

The stock of the company is divided between the three of us,

and obviously my mother is going to vote with me.

Are you sure about that?

Of course I am. Right, Mom?

Well darling, you know I love you.

Oh, crap.

The fact is, you have been

burning through a lot of money recently.

It's my money to burn through!

I can't believe you turned my own mother against me.

We're just looking out for everyone's best interest.

Sweetie, no one is against you.

With all due respect, Robin, I'm against him.

Now, I'd like to propose that Walden Schmidt be removed

as president of Walden Loves Bridget Enterprises,

and going forward all financial decisions

will be made by a majority vote of the board.

You're kicking me out of my own company?!

You'll still have a vote on the board.

All in favor. Aye.

Aye. Naaaay!

Motion is passed.

Come on, Mom!

I'm sorry, sweetie, it's for your own good.

Next, I'd like to propose doubling the budget

of the Robin Schmidt Primate Research Center.

Why would we double the bud...? Aye.

Aye. Motion carried.

Oh...

I move that the meeting be adjourned.

Second it.

All in favor. Aye. Aye.

Meeting adjourned.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

This is... this is not over!

I'm gonna get an attorney, and I'm going to fight this!

I thought I was your attorney.

I'm sorry, Uncle Martin, you're out.

(groans)

* Men...

What do you think, Counselor? Can I fight 'em?

I have a few questions first. Shoot.

Walden Loves Bridget Enterprises?

What do you want from me?

I had a billion dollars and a constant erection.

Fortunately, all you lost in the divorce is the half a billion dollars.

Okay, the first thing I do when I get the company back is change the name.

Yeah, well, be that as it may, the fact remains that as long

as it's just the three of you on the board, they can outvote you.

Aw... But the good news is...

Yay. Let me finish.

According to these bylaws,

you as founder have the unilateral right

to name a fourth person to the board.

And in the case of a tie vote, you also have the right to break that tie.

So, if I put someone on the board and the vote's two-two, I win.

Right.

You are very smart.

(giggles) It's not just a hat rack.

Great. Hey, do you want to be on the board of my company?

I'll change the name to Walden Loves Zoey, Inc.

Thanks, but I don't think it's a good idea

to mix business and, you know, genitalia.

Okay. Well, will you at least be my lawyer?

Of course.

I'm already screwing you.

* Men.

So basically you have to find a fourth board member who you can totally control.

Like a puppet. A patsy.

A tool. And it would help

if they're not terribly bright when it comes to finance.

Where am I going to find somebody like that?

* You're the one that I want, you're the one that I want *

* Ooh, ooh, ooh

* The one that I want, you're the one that I want *

* Ooh, ooh, ooh...

So, I've narrowed my choices down to two.

* You better shape up Alan?

* 'Cause I need a man

* And my heart is set on you

* Better shape up

* You better understand that my heart...* Alan?

Alan? Oh, golly.

Whatcha doing?

Uh, well, there is a theory that uh... wind resistance

can be reduced by the removal of body hair.

What, are you running a marathon?

Yeah, why else would I be shaving my legs?

Because I like the way it feels? (chuckles) What's up?

How would you like to be on the board of my company?

Oh... Are you kidding? I would like nothing more

than to be on the board of your company.

Good.

Just one question. Yeah?

What exactly does it mean to be on the board of your company?

Basically, all you got to do is vote with me

so I can take back control from my ex-wife and my mother.

Oh, hey, anything I can do

to stick it to ex-wives and mothers, I'm there.

Thanks. Uh, uh... Just out of curiosity,

um, is there an honorarium or a stipend

for members of the board?

Nothing to speak of. Oh.

$50,000 a year.

(gasps) (loud bubbling)

Sorry.

I'm celebrating out of both ends of my body.

I shudder to think what would have happened

if I'd have said a hundred thousand.

We would've had to drain the tub.

Well, anyway, it's great to know you're on my team.

Oh, absolutely. You can count on me.

Got a lot of wind resistance down there?

Not anymore.

* Men.

* Men.

(sighs) What's the point of this, Walden?

You know we're just gonna outvote you again.

For your own good, sweetie.

Thanks, Mom. But before we get to voting,

I'd like to introduce you to Zoey Hyde-Tottingham-Pierce,

my new attorney and sex partner.

My card just says "attorney."

What's he doing here?

Wanna tell 'em, Alan?

Mmm. Hold on.

Lox.

Walden put me on the board.

You can't do that!

Oh, but I can.

Sock it to 'em, babe.

These are the corporate bylaws

of... Walden Loves Bridget Enterprises.

I told you I'm gonna change the name.

I call your attention to page five,

paragraph four, subparagraph B.

It states that Walden, as founder,

has the unrestricted right

to name one additional board member.

Really looking forward to working with you.

Aye.

Alan, wait till there's a vote.

Oh, okay. Um, you know, there's no way

we're gonna finish all this food.

We should really get some Ziploc baggies and take it home.

Not now, Alan.

Oh, let me just get it out of the sun.

Okay, I would like to move that I be reinstated as president.

All in favor? Aye.

Alan?

Now? Now.

Uh, aye.

Walden, why are you doing this?

Bridget and I are just going to vote no and then you're going to have a tie.

Au contraire, mon frère.

Counselor?

In the event of a tie vote, Walden Thoreau Schmidt,

as company founder, has the unlimited right to cast

an additional vote to break said tie.

Boo-yah!

Hold on. I am not voting until my lawyer looks at this.

Me neither.

Suit yourself.

This isn't over, Walden.

Love you, sweetie.

Love you too, Mom.

Hey, Walden, what's the company policy

on board members dating each other?

You want to date my ex-wife?

No, no, that would be weird.

My mother?

No, no.

Then what are you talking about?

I just wanna be clear on the policy.

Last thing we need is a sexual harassment lawsuit.

Am I right, sweet cheeks?

* Men.

Hi. Can I get you something?

Uh, yes, I am celebrating a new job.

What's your most expensive drink?

We have a Pierre Benoit cognac for a thousand dollars a shot.

Good to know. I'll have a light beer.

Hello, Alan.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Alan.

Oh, Bridget. Hi.

Isn't this a happy coincidence,

the three of us running into each other?

Listen, ladies, with all due respect,

I've been instructed not to discuss

any company business outside of the boardroom.

What makes you think we want to talk about business?

Aw, come on.

I may have been born yesterday,

but I was up late last night.

What does that even mean?

It means...

I don't know. I heard it in a movie.

May I help you ladies?

I'll have a Pierre Benoit cognac.

Oh, make that two.

Separate checks.

Alan, isn't there any way we can work

together on this board vote?

I'm sorry, but I'm loyal to your son.

Well, so am I.

I'm trying to protect him from himself.

And I would think an intelligent, successful,

good-looking man like you would see that.

Well, that's very flattering,

but I'm afraid you've overplayed your hand.

No one would call me successful.

Forget it, Robin.

I knew he wouldn't go for it.

I'll call you later.

Okay.

Eh, we had to try.

I understand-- there's a lot of money at stake.

Mmm! That's what I always imagined

Gisele Bundchen would taste like.

What do you say we forget about business

and just enjoy the evening?

Well, I'm all for enjoying the evening,

but your hand is on my business.

Would you like me to move it?

Yes.

Slowly and in a circular fashion.

* Men. *

Hey.

Hey. Where you been?

Just going out clothes shopping.

Can't be a corporate board member wearing khakis

and polo shirt I got at a swap meet

from some dead guy's wife, right?

Nice!

Is that Barney's?

Sears.

What are you doing?

I'm just looking over this mobile gaming startup

I want to invest in when I get my company back.

Right, right.

Oh, did you see the look on my mom's face

when I sprung you on her?

Actually, I wasn't looking at her face when I...

sprung.

And-And why do you even want to invest in more companies?

You've got more money than you're ever gonna use.

So?

So maybe it's time to move on.

You know, do something else.

Learn to dance.

Since when do you care about how I spend my money?

Well, technically, it's the company's money,

and now that I'm on the board,

I have a fiduciary duty to the stockholders.

Fiduciary duty.

You're adorable.

I'm serious-- you need to slow down

on the spending for your own good.

Wait a minute.

You haven't by chance been talking to my mother

and my ex-wife, have you?

What?! Me?!

Talk?! Them?!

What?!

Because if you're not gonna support me,

there are plenty of other people who would be happy

to take your place and your $50,000 stipend.

Now, hold on-- I think I bring

a unique skill set to the table.

Jake, do you want to be on the board of my company?!

JAKE: Hell, yeah!

Oh, come on. I'm smarter than him!

Listen, Alan, I put you on

the board of my company for a reason,

and I need to know you have my back.

Of course I have your back.

What could possibly make me even consider betraying you?

(gurgling): What...?

Great.

(snorts, scoffs)

(chuckling)

Certainly not some expensive cognac

and a happy ending in the men's room.

* Men. *

So, Alan, are we all set for tomorrow's board meeting?

Boy, I want to say yes...

What do you mean?

I thought we had an understanding.

Gee, I wish I could say we do...

Alan, sweetie, are you saying

that we can't count on you?

Gosh, I would love to say you can...

I knew it! Walden got to him.

Hang on, Bridget. He's a reasonable man.

Right, Alan?

That's not gonna work.

I masturbated three times before I got here.

All right, let's cut to the chase.

What would it take to make you change your mind?

Oh, really? You want to play that game?

Okay... (chuckles)

How about a brand-new red Porsche?

I just love being inside you.

Hi. (startled shout)

Hey, hi.

That's a nice car.

Oh, well, uh,

that's what you get when you save your nickels.

That's three million nickels, Alan.

It's a lease?

Is there something you want to tell me

about the board meeting tomorrow?

I'm weak.

(voice breaking): I'm so very weak.

It's okay.

That's why I chose you.

* Men. *

All right, there's a motion on the table.

Shall Walden Schmidt be restored to president

of Walden Loves Bridget Enterprises?

Right after the meeting, I'm changing the name.

Thank you.

I vote nay.

Nay.

Aye.

Aye.

What? Are you kidding me?!

Okay, okay, if it makes you feel any better,

you're not the first women I've disappointed.

Here, you can have the car back.

It's out of gas.

And unfortunately, Robin,

I can't return what you gave me, but I really enjoyed it.

I should have known you had a hand in this.

All right, I use my founder's vote to break the tie,

I am reinstated as president,

and as my first official act,

I would like to change the name of the company

to Walden Loves Alan Enterprises.

Oh!

This meeting's adjourned. Shall we?

With pleasure.

Oh, it was lovely to see you again.

Walden Loves Alan, really?

Hey, hey, hey!

* Men. *

You know, as long as we're in the business

of investing in high-tech ideas--

a while back, I invented a little chiropractic device

that allows people to adjust their own backs.

No kidding?

Yeah. I call it "Accu-Crack."

Catchy.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Only problem is there's a caulking gun,

a reggae band and a porn site with the same name.

Why don't you just change the name?

Mm-- I would,

but I already printed out 30,000 brochures.

Well, tell me about the product.

How does it work?

Oh, really, really simple.

It's two hard rubber balls attached to a stick

that you lay on and move up and down your spine.

How is that high-tech?

Uh... we'd sell it over the Internet?

Well, I'll certainly consider it.

Really?

Please don't push this, Alan.

Oh, oh!

As agreed upon.

Oh, oh, is this what I think it is?

Yeah, a deal's a deal.

I get your vote on the board of my company,

you get your name on the deed to the house.

Oh, my God.

Congratulations.

Does this mean I can borrow against it?

No. Sell it?

No. Have the big bedroom upstairs?

No.

Can I tell women it's my house?

Why would you stop now?

Life is good.

Ooh! Oops! (chuckles)

Uh-oh...

Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap!

Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap!

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