Original subtitles

* Men.

(rattling)

Oh, dear!

(gasps)

I'm sorry, did I wake you up?

What are you doing?

I was trying to find a nice way to wake you up.

Well, kudos, you found one.

Here. Merry day before Christmas.

I thought we agreed not to exchange presents.

Well, you gave me a pretty nice present last night.

Actually two.

You're terrible.

Open it.

Dare I say it? Key to your heart?

Better. It's a key to my house.

Walden, I can't accept a key to your house.

It's a bit premature.

Well, if anything in our relationship's going to be premature,

I prefer it to be the house key.

It's a very sweet gesture.

Mistletoe.

Oh, my!

I've got to pick up my daughter from her father's

and I've got to get to the airport to pick up my parents.

Are you sure I can't come with you?

Positive.

Why not? We get along great.

Your parents are in town, my mom's coming to visit.

It's Christmas.

What better time for everybody to get to know each other?

Walden, we're still getting to know each other.

I know you. Really?

What color are my eyes then?

Brown. the left one's got a little fleck of green in it.

Damn.

You say you're a size two, but you're actually a size four.

You run the water in the bathroom

to cover the sound of you peeing.

All right fine. Let me put it another way.

No families this year.

And I am a size two.

Merry Christmas.

She took the key.

Aw!

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

(Berta sighs)

When's your mom getting in?

Any time now.

She's on her way up from San Diego.

Oh, hey, is Jake's room ready?

I did what I could.

It still has kind of a teenage stink to it.

Maybe I should put her in Alan's room.

Oh, no, that smells like failure and foot powder.

Is that mistletoe?

Yes.

Well, bring it, Santa.

Oh, merry Christmas to me.

You know they make belt buckles with mistletoe on 'em?

You're kidding.

Check your stocking.

(chuckles)

So, listen, uh, I want to give you a nice Christmas bonus.

What do you think would make you happy?

Check your damn stocking and put on the buckle.

How about three weeks pay and another kiss on the cheek?

Do I get to pick the cheek?

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

(ringtone playing)

Hey, Mom, where are you?

Oh, okay, that's about ten miles away...

and it's rush hour, so figure... three hours.

Yeah, I can't wait to see you, too.

So I'm thinking that since

this is our first Christmas without Charlie,

we should spend it together.

Yes, Mom, I'd rather get laid, too...

but I think family is more important.

Hey, Mom.

Yeah, I'm just driving to Dad's.

In 500 feet, turn left.

Yes, I'm seeing someone.

No, you can't meet her.

Because it's too soon.

I don't know what it means.

It's just what she keeps telling me.

Uh, Mom, y-you're breaking up.

I-I'm sorry, what did you say?

Y-Y-You want a tuna sandwich?

Oh, oh, you're in a two-man sandwich.

Uh, well, I, I hope they're using condiments.

Uh, well, listen, I-I-I got to go, I got another call.

Dear Lord.

Hello.

Oh, Jake, merry Christmas.

Hey, Dad, I just wanted to call

and tell you merry Christmas and wish you happy holidays.

No, no, Mom and Herb are out to dinner.

I'm just chilling at the ski lodge.

Room service.

Oh, hang on.

I ordered a cheeseburger.

Got to go, Dad.

Yeah, I know the tip's included.

All right, bye.

All right, now you call your mom

and tell her you're with your dad.

Hey, Mom, I'm with your dad.

No, no.

* Men.

This is gonna be the best Christmas ever.

Yeah, swell.

I got a great new girlfriend.

My girlfriend's got a great new boyfriend.

My mom is coming.

So is mine.

Wherever she is.

Went to the Apple Store

and bought myself a bunch of cool presents.

I went to the grocery store and got myself an apple.

Sounds like somebody's got the holiday blues.

Oh, little bit.

My son's with his mother and her husband,

and this is my first Christmas without Charlie.

What would you two normally do?

Oh, we had kind of a holiday tradition.

Um, he would drink a gallon of eggnog

and then try to throw me out of the house at gunpoint.

Good times.

Well, you're not going to spend this year alone.

You're going to have Christmas with me and my mom.

Well, thank you, that's very nice of you.

You want to hear a funny idea?

You and my mom are about the same age.

If you guys started dating and got married,

you'd be my new daddy.

Wait, h-hold on, I-I'm your mom's age?

How old do you think I am?

I don't know, what, like 60?

I'm 44.

Oh, well, you look older.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, there she is.

That's it.

Tomorrow I start moisturizing.

Mom. Baby.

(sighs) Eyeball, eyeball.

Nose and mouth.

I love you north.

I love you south.

(both laugh)

(sighs)

Hey, Alan, meet my mother Robin.

Nice to meet you, Alan.

Likewise.

Mom, let me show you my place.

Check it out, I got my own ocean.

Well, it's not completely mine.

I have to share the other side with Japan.

It's very nice, dear.

WALDEN: Yeah, I'm rich.

Well... I know what I want for Christmas.

* Men.

So how long have you two been living together?

A couple of months.

I see.

I'm sorry, I-I have to ask.

Is this the woman you don't want me to meet?

What?

No.

No, Alan is just a friend.

Tell her.

Butch and Sundance, notBrokeback Mountain.

Okay, sorry.

I-I mean, you have to admit, it's a rather strange set-up--

a 33-year-old man living with a 60-year-old.

I'm 44.

Right, me, too.

Alan helped me through my break-up with Bridget,

and then he needed a place to stay,

so I asked him to stick around.

Oh, that is so like you.

(Walden and Robin chuckle)

When Walden was a little boy,

he used to bring home sick, helpless animals all the time.

God help me, I can't take that as an insult.

So, uh, what do you do, Robin?

I'm a primatologist.

I, I work mainly with gorillas.

Oh, oh, so I guess that makes you the gorilla my dreams.

(laughing)

It was hysterical when Bugs Bunny did it.

And thanks to the financial support

of my brilliant son, I have a private

gorilla sanctuary in Temecula.

Oh, no kidding?

Yeah, we take gorillas

who were born in captivity

and those who have lost their wild habitats

and provide them with a safe, stable,

loving family environment.

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

Does one have to be a gorilla to apply for admittance?

I'm afraid so.

Story of my life.

When I was little, I always wanted

to play with the gorillas.

I even made up my own imaginary gorilla friend.

Remember Magilla, Mom?

Hmm, yeah, but he wasn't imaginary.

What?

Walden, Magilla lived with us

for the first four years of your life.

He was real?

Yeah.

Do you want to see some pictures?

Wait, w-w-wait, Magilla was real?

Very much so.

Wait, you actually had a gorilla living with you?

Yep, I was doing experiments to see if gorillas could learn

as fast as human children, so

I raised Magilla and Walden together from birth.

Wow.

All we had was a schnauzer and an Argentinean tennis pro.

Uncle Javier.

The tennis pro, not the schnauzer.

Hold on a second, I was raised with a gorilla?

Oh, well, just until you started preschool.

Now, look, here's you and Magilla together in your crib.

And here's

the two of you at your first birthday.

Wait a minute,

is that how I learned sign language?

I'm sorry, I don't have any bananas.

Look, there's the two of you

on the playground.

Oh, your first Halloween.

You went as a gorilla,

and Magilla went as a ghost.

WALDEN: Whoa, whoa.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's starting to come back to me.

Like, riding tricycles together,

and running... running around the house.

Or playing hide in the closet.

Wait. Why were we always hiding in the closet?

Well, the Homeowners Association didn't allow cats or dogs.

What would they have said about a gorilla?

Yeah. I remember.

You told me he was my brother.

Well, in a sense, he was.

And then one day, he was gone.

Yeah.

You said he got sent back to the jungle.

Well, sweetheart, we didn't have any choice.

He was getting too big. He, uh...

He tried to kill a Jehovah's Witness.

Now, Now, to be fair, who among us hasn't...

Not now, Alan.

This is really starting to freak me out.

Well, sweetie, I-I don't understand

why you're making such a big deal out of this.

You're kidding, right?

I-I just discovered that my brother is a gorilla!

That's-That's kind of a big deal!

Hey, my brother was a pig, so, I mean...

I said, not now, Alan!

Walden, calm down.

You do realize that I spent my entire childhood

worrying that if I misbehaved,

I would get sent away to the jungle like Magilla!

One false move, Zimbabwe!

Well, sweetheart, I...

I never knew that you felt like that.

Of course you didn't.

You were so busy doing your experiment!

Walden!

(door closes)

Kids, huh?

So, you seeing anybody?

* Men.

* Men.

Walden, it's Mom. Where are you?

Please call me back so we can talk about this.

I had no idea he'd repressed all those childhood memories.

Well, apparently,

losing what he thought was his sibling was very traumatic.

I'm wondering if maybe I have to rethink his Christmas gift.

Why? What did you get him?

A bathrobe.

Yeah, not a good idea.

And I can't even return it.

It's slightly irregular.

You must think I'm a terrible mother.

Well, let's compare mothering techniques.

Um, did you tell him that Disneyland burned down

to avoid having to take him there

for his sixth, seventh and eighth birthdays?

No.

Did you tell him to walk it off

after his appendix burst?

No.

Did you tell me the only reason you got pregnant

was because you didn't want to smear your lipstick?

Of course not!

Then, far as I'm concerned,

you're Mother of the Freakin' Year. Hmm.

Mm. Although I did store Walden's embryo

in a cryogenic chamber until Magilla's mother got pregnant

so they could be born at the same time.

Okay, flag on the play.

You did what?

I needed my child and the gorilla

to be born at the same time for the experiment to be valid.

And your husband was okay with this?

It was for science.

And I may not have told him.

Okay, well, well, after all that time and energy,

what did you learn?

My son is smarter than a gorilla.

Mine's not.

* Men.

Oh, Walden, what are you doing here?

My brother is a gorilla, and she sent him away.

I'm sorry. Is that some sort of American Christmas Carol?

No. It's a succinct summation

of my seminal years with a simian sibling.

Are you drunk?

I ought to be. I've taken the necessary steps.

(whispering): Sweetie, this isn't a very good time.

You're telling me.

My mother is a mad scientist,

and I spent the first four years of my life

flinging poop with my brother... the gorilla.

Hello!

Mummy and Daddy,

this is the fellow I was telling you about.

How do you do?

Wing Commander Edward Hyde-Tottingham, R.A.F. retired.

This is my wife Sharon.

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

Let me ask you something, Shary.

Would you have raised your daughter

with a jungle beast in an effort

to satisfy your scientific curiosity?

Well... I really couldn't say.

I have cross-bred orchids.

Yes. They're lovely.

(chuckles)

As are you, my darling.

(stammering): Walden, I don't understand.

Did something happen with your mother?

Oh, yeah, something happened.

My entire life is a lie.

You know why I try so hard to please you sexually?

Because

I'm afraid if I don't give you multiple orgasms,

that you'll banish me to Central Africa.

What?! (clears throat)

The Commander and I have often traveled to Africa on safari.

Is that so?

Oh, yes.

Though I can't say I've ever had multiple orgasms.

Lucky if I get the one.

* Men.

Come on, Walden, call me back.

I'm worried sick.

He always disappears like this when he's upset.

As a child, he'd climb into a tree to sulk,

and when I'd try to get him down,

he'd beat his chest and bellow at me.

Remind you of anybody?

Yeah. His father.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Oh, uh, hi, Zoey.

Walden's not here.

Really?

Okay, well, well, thanks for letting me know.

What's going on?

Apparently, your son got drunk

and climbed up onto his girlfriend's roof.

He, what?

Still early. We could catch a movie.

Are you out of your mind? We have to go get him.

Oh, oh, absolutely, sure. I was just about to suggest that.

Are you on Facebook?

Maybe I could give you a poke sometime.

* Men.

(sighs)

Uh... Walden?

What are you doing here?

(grunting)

Well... to be perfectly honest,

I'm trying to impress your mother.

Why? She used me as a guinea pig.

Yeah, well, my mother once left me

at summer camp till Thanksgiving.

So?

So, we can't keep blaming our parents

for how our lives turned out.

Oh! Oh!

(debris clattering)

Be careful. If you fall, you'll die.

Thank you.

Did you forgive your mother?

No, never,

but I'm a small, petty man.

You, however, have accomplished great things

and have the capacity to accomplish even more.

What about Magilla?

I loved him, and she just sent him away.

Yeah. That's rough.

But I know what it's like to lose a brother.

Who, by the way, also tried to kill a Jehovah's Witness.

He was hung over,

and they just kept ringing that damn doorbell.

(helicopter whirring)

MAN (through P.A.): This is the LAPD.

Please get off of the roof!

Go away! Leave me alone!

Don't wave your arms at the aircraft.

That never ends well.

Get out of here!

It's all right!

It's just a mother issue!

Walden, you come down from there right now!

Oh, excuse me?

Are you Walden's mum?

Yes. Are-Are you Zoey?

I am. It's so nice to meet you.

Likewise. These are my parents.

Wing Commander Edward Hyde-Tottingham.

This is my wife Sharon.

Lovely to meet you.

(Walden bellowing)

Your son's a charming young man.

Yes, charming.

Thank you.

Thinks he's the brother of a monkey.

What's all that about?

(Walden bellowing)

I think that's my dad up there.

I think you're right.

Want to get some frozen yogurt?

Totally.

* Men.

* Men.

Walden, I hope you understand, honey,

I never meant to hurt you.

I know.

This is the best Christmas gift ever.

Oh, I'm so glad.

(sighs)

See you in a few.

You really are a terrific mom.

Oh, thanks.

And woman.

Give it a rest, Alan.

(snorting)

(chuffing)

Magilla?

(snorting)

(vocalizing)

(vocalizing)

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Yeah.

What's the Taser for?

That's a 400-pound gorilla.

This really could have gone either way.

Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

and TOYOTA.