Original subtitles

'Ladies and gentlemen...'

'Welcome to this total shithole in the heart of East London,

'an even bigger shithole.

'Now please welcome to the stage

'the ultimate street fighter, Mr Paul Chowdhry.'

Assalamu alaikum, my brothers and sisters.

Welcome to the conversion.

That's a lot of smoke coming out, innit?

When this much smoke follows an Asian guy with this beard,

white people start shitting themselves.

"Fucking hell, Dave."

I can't even see anyone.

The thing about this beard, people think I've been radicalised.

By the homosexuals.

Everyone's got a beard in this front row, innit?

Where's all the white beards?

Dave in the second row with his beard.

How long did that beard take you to grow, man?

Two years?

This is like five o'clock shadow where we come from.

We're Indians, we're hairy bastards.

Have a look at her.

This hairy fucking fella.

Sorry, him, whatever it is.

You know I'm now the most famous unfamous person in England?

You know I sold out Wembley on this tour?

- Ooh! - Yeah, Wembley.

Not the market where you work, bruv.

Two apples for a pound!

Proper arena. I got a new house recently.

My neighbour didn't know what I do for a living.

"What do you do for a living?"

- "I'm a comedian." - "Yeah? Go on, then."

"Go on then what?"

"Go on, do a joke." "I've got to get on the stage."

"Trace, come over here, love.

"We got a new Paki next door thinks he's funny.

"I think he's an Uber driver. Bring the kids an' all."

That's quite a racist joke, that.

A lot of Asian people laughing at that. I don't mind.

But I saw some white people laughing at that joke.

That's called a tester joke.

If I see white people laughing,

they're gonna get fucked up for two hours.

When my Indian fans find out I'm a comedian,

they don't care about jokes.

"You're a comedian? Go on, then."

"Go on then what?" "How much money you make?"

"What car you drive? How much your mortgage?"

I'm trying to work out why there's, like, 15 Bengalis here

and one white guy sat right in the middle.

What the fuck?

"I dunno, mate. I dunno either."

It's like you've been kidnapped.

It's like you're a news reporter gone to Syria

and you've been kidnapped by this lot.

It's like a beheading waiting to happen.

No one gives me trouble with this beard. I don't get into fights anymore.

With this look, this straight-out-of-Syria look.

I got that one-way-ticket look, innit.

I remember the good old days when I used to get on the Tube,

I couldn't even get a seat.

With this I get the whole carriage.

I remember one time I was on the Tube, right?

I had my iPhone in my pocket. The cable was flapping about.

So I thought I'd clip the cable to my shirt and my jacket.

So the cable's flapping about and shit

so what I did was I clipped the cable to the earphones

to my shirt and my T-shirt, so it's kind of clipped to me like this.

My iPhone's in this pocket. Then I took off my earphones

and I put them in this pocket.

All you saw was a cable coming out of both pockets.

Looked a bit like this.

I had props all over the floor. That didn't help.

I was prop shopping that day, innit?

Does this look suspect to you, Dave?

Every fucker's looking at me.

I mean, what kind of terrorist listens to Wham on loop?

Wake me up before you blow, blow. You know?

I mean, when have you seen a gay terrorist before?

I'm not gay, but when have you seen a gay...?

Did you see how it went really quiet then?

When I say I'm not... "But, bruv, you best... Fucking hell, bruv."

"Are you gay, bruv?

"I didn't pay £20 to watch a fucking gay guy on the stage.

"Qasmay, I didn't fucking wanna see a gay guy on the stage."

"It's East London, bruv, innit?"

"What about the terrorist part?" "We're all fucking terrorists.

"Don't worry about that bit, innit?"

But statistically there's gotta be gay terrorists out there.

Think about it: loads of dudes hanging about with each other

in caves and shit.

There's never any women hanging around 'em.

Fucking all dudes.

One of them's bound to be thinking about it, innit?

There's gotta be LGBT terrorists out there, innit?

LGBTQRSTUV terrorists out there, innit?

They don't discriminate when it comes to the victims

so they shouldn't discriminate when it comes to the recruitment policy.

One of them's bound to be thinking about going to one of the other terrorists

and just...

...smacking it in there, innit?

Statistically, though, innit?

One of them's bound to be thinking about going to another terrorist and...

you know, just...

...lifting up that kurta pajama.

Do you know what kurta pajama is, Dave?

You know? That's what they wear. A long pajama.

A kurta on top of the pajama.

Just lifting up that kurta pajama.

See, the white people don't even know what I said when I said that.

But you know what I mean when I say...

That's my opening joke I've just written for Saudi Arabia.

The Sultan of Brunei is gonna love that bit.

Just before they stone the gays, I come out...

It's proper homophobic. You guys would be fucked in Saudi.

You guys can't use Grindr out there.

You can but it's different.

Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.

Kuffar. Stone him. Dead.

Look at this... Get a shot of this wanker.

He's got his iPhone out.

"Yeah."

We've got a £1 million crew here

and this fucking Bengali's got his iPhone out.

Where the fuck you gonna sell your DVD to?

- I'll send you the invoice. - Send me the invoice?

Yeah, send me the invoice. I'll turn up at your house,

lift up your kurta pajama.

Fucking prick.

Send me the invoice.

This Bengali's gonna be selling that down Brick Lane, innit?

Qasmay, I got the Paul Chowdhry DVD, innit?

"It's not even out yet." "I recorded it, bruv.

"On my iPhone 2."

Get a haircut as well when you come back to my show.

Your head looks like a phudi.

Leave that fucker in the edit.

You're a dead man when this is released.

You're gonna have to delete your life when this is released, man.

I remember when Westminster Bridge happened in London.

And the atrocities were awful.

The guy responsible, I wanna name him correctly

because I'm not a racist, yeah?

His name was...

...Khalid.

Not Khalid as you white people pronounce it.

Khalid.

Try it, Trace...

Dave's like, "Don't fucking do it, love.

"It's a trap. You're gonna get us killed, you slag.

"Laugh at the jokes and we'll fuck off in a minute.

"Fucking shitting meself, love."

Khalid...

...Masood.

You know what his real name was?

Adrian Russell.

He was a Muslim convert.

He wasn't even a real Muslim. No wonder he changed his name.

You can't turn up at an ISIS meeting with that. Adrian.

"What's your name?" "Adrian Russell."

"You're not on the guest list."

"Front of the queue for you."

My name's Chowdhry.

Everyone thinks I'm Bengali. You know that?

We got any Chowdhrys in tonight?

Hey!

Just on his own. "Hey!"

What's your name, man?

Chowdhry.

Didn't even have to think about that, innit?

"It's Chowdhry, innit?"

What's your first name, man?

- I don't wanna say it. - You don't have one?

Mr Chowdhry Chowdhry?

What's your first name, man?

- Eh? - Jamil.

- Eh? - It's Jamil.

Jamil. Jamil.

How the fuck you got so many first names?

"Jamil Jamil Jamil Jamil

"Jamil Jamil Jamil Jamil Jamil."

Are you in a cave or something with an echo?

This terrorist has turned up with his own cave tonight.

My full name's actually

Taj Paul Asingha Chowdhry.

What are you laughing at, man?

"Does that come with rice?" "No, it's a dhal."

You racist bastard.

"I had that with poppadoms yesterday, son."

My name don't help, man.

People used to say, "You been on TV, have you, Paul?"

"I've been on a couple of things." "What, Crimewatch?"

Now, that used to be funny, right?

Until I ended up on Crimewatch.

Some of you might know about this.

I was in hiding for a long time.

I ended up in all the newspapers up and down the country. True story.

I wanna read out the article that made all the headlines.

"Crimewatch viewers think RAF Marham kidnap suspect mugshot

"looks like comedian Paul Chowdhry

"and he's not happy."

Then they put an advert under it for the film Jungle Book.

Just to add to the racism.

As you can see, there's a picture of a monkey next to the J.

Or is that Jamil?

Same initial, innit?

I was really pissed off about this.

I said to all my mates, "This is bad for my career, man."

My mates went, "Don't worry about it. All publicity is good publicity."

No, it's not.

There are two things you don't wanna look like in this world.

One's a terrorist and the other one's a paedophile.

What would you rather look like, Dave?

Let me help you out, mate.

You don't look like a terrorist.

Stand up for a second.

Stand up.

Stand up, kuffar.

He looks like he should be on a register.

The head of a grooming gang.

Let me read out what these bastards said under this.

"An exasperated comedian has taken to Twitter..."

in their words "...after being bombarded..."

That's proper racist, innit?

"...bombarded by people who think he looks like a Crimewatch mugshot.

"The comedian posted:

"'Can you bloody bastards... stop messaging me about Crimewatch?

"'The bastard looks nothing like me.'"

Now, that was my official statement to the media.

You gotta be professional, innit?

Then I went to the next page of this Daily Mirror article.

What the Daily Mirror then posted is this picture...

...of the terrorist next to a picture of my fat face.

The problem is, the terrorist looks exactly like me.

Couldn't even go out that week. I couldn't go to Sainsbury's.

I had to go to Lidl.

With the rest of the suspects.

I've been doing comedy 20 years. Two DVDs. I've sold out Wembley.

If you google Paul and Chowdhry,

that's the first thing that comes up.

People, all the fans got involved.

The fans were tweeting and everything.

"His followers on Twitter were predictably unsympathetic.

"Chandan Matharu quipped,

"'Nothing like you, Paul. You don't have a timer on your head.'"

What a wanker.

"The suspects, both described as Middle Eastern..."

What do you mean "both" described?

That means two people, both.

There's only one human being in this picture.

The other picture's a fucking cartoon.

"...remain at large and their vehicle has not been located."

Last line of the article:

"Paul Chowdhry's DVD is on Amazon."

Who the fuck's gonna buy my DVD after this shit comes out?

Now I'm gonna have to go back to performing to grooming gangs.

I get asked my opinion all the time on current affairs, you know.

I remember my agent called me up, "Hi, Paul. Really excited.

"Newsnight have called up from the BBC

"and they wanna talk to you about what it's like being a Muslim."

"Yeah, I can talk about what it's like being a Muslim.

"But I'm not Muslim."

"But they want to talk about what it's like growing up being a Muslim."

"But then I didn't grow up being a Muslim, innit?"

"But they wanna talk about being Muslim and running round Muslim

"in the Muslim Muslim."

"Why not find a real Muslim?"

"No, they wanna talk to you about being Muslim in the Muslim Muslim."

"What are you asking me for, you racist bastards?"

"Don't worry. They'll find someone else. It's only £1,000."

"What?"

I said, "You know what, mate?

"Assalamu alaikum, my brothers and sisters."

"Inshallah."

I'm Muslim for the money, mate.

I'm all about the profit.

For those who don't know about this,

it's dangerous doing these kinds of jokes.

I get death threats on a daily basis.

From Zayn Malik's family.

Do you all know the back story here?

All right, Zayn Malik was in a group called One Direction, right?

And I made some videos about him on my YouTube account.

And people were like, "What are you cussing Zayn for?

"What are you doing that for?"

There's always a reason behind my jokes.

Right? And the reason being, I met Zayn Malik once

at an awards ceremony in London

and I thought, "You know what? I'm gonna get a selfie with him."

Because that's what this job's all about now,

about likes online.

Not about real people sat in a theatre watching real comedy.

It's about bullshit likes that give people mental health issues.

That's what it's about, innit?

Liking things on Instagram. I hate Instagram.

I look at Instagram, right,

and then I close Instagram.

A minute later I open up Instagram,

forgetting I just looked at Instagram.

It's like a fridge.

Anyway, so I met Zayn Malik.

I thought I'd get a picture with him, like a selfie. And I saw him.

He was walking past me. I said, "Hey, Zayn.

"I'm a big fan of your work, man." I wasn't a big fan.

I just thought I'd say that shit.

I put my hand out to shake his hand, right?

As soon as I did that, he completely blanked me.

And he ran off and two of his security guards came up.

"Don't touch him, man. Do not touch him."

And they pinned me up against the wall and he ran away

like a little pussy cat.

I remember when he ran away, I thought to myself,

"You're fucking dead, man."

"You just fucked yourself up, bruv."

I went home. I logged on to my YouTube account.

I ripped him, his mum, his dad.

I wiped out his whole family.

He was better off dealing with ISIS than dealing with me.

I even spoke about his girlfriend, the supermodel Gigi.

Gigi.

Is that how you pronounce it? Gigi?

Geegee?

Geegee?

Or Giggy?

Apparently it's Jayjay.

But spelt Gigi.

Is that a name these days?

Gigi?

Or Geegee.

When I were growing up, geegee was something you contracted.

"Get some cream and rub it on my geegee."

Gigi.

And Gigi, turns out her surname is Hadid.

Hadid is actually a Muslim surname.

And then I did some Google image searches into this girl Gigi Hadid.

I want all the Muslim people in here to cover their ears.

Because what I saw next was very, very offensive.

In these pictures I could see her arms...

I could see her legs.

I even saw this kuffar's neck.

Something had to be done to protect my Muslim peoples.

I stepped up to the plate.

Some of it was in Punjabi, right?

I'm like...

In English that means, "Is her dad called Mohamed?"

And people wanted to kill me on the streets because of that line.

People were coming up to me, "There's that fucking comedian, innit?

"Let's go jack him, bruv.

"Bruv, hey, come here, man.

"Why the fuck, yeah,

"did you use the word Mohamed in your fucking wideos?"

"What?"

"Why the fuck, yeah, did you use the word Mohamed

"in your fucking wideos?"

"Sorry, in my... in my what?"

"Your fucking wideos, you pussyhole!

"Are you gay, bruv?"

"Sorry, what?

"What does gay have to do with anything?"

"Let's go to Shisha Land and chat about this, man.

"You're definitely gay, innit?"

"Gay? You think I'm gay,

"but you want me to go to a Shisha Land with you and the boys

"while we all sit around a table sucking off the same pipe?

"And I'm the gay one?"

He goes, "Don't use the word Mohamed in your fucking wideos."

Let me clear this up for you, Hackney.

The reason I used the word Mohamed in those videos

is because that was her dad's name!

"Nah, man, you only cussing Muslim peoples, innit?"

I love Muslim peoples. They come to my shows.

Not tonight, but generally a lot of...

All the Muslims...

"He hasn't cussed me. Let's go home."

I love Musalman peoples.

Where's all the Musalmans tonight?

You know what a Musalman is, don't you, Dave?

"I ain't got a fucking clue, mate."

That's what we call Muslim people, "Musalman."

Not someone that's got out the gym.

That's a muscleman.

These are Musalmans.

He goes, "Nah, man, you only cussing Muslim peoples, innit?

"You don't cuss, like, Hindu people, innit?"

Did you see the amount of jokes I used to do about Gujarati people?

Back in the day, I did loads of jokes about Guju people and Hindus.

Have we got any Gujarati people in tonight?

- There's loads of them, look.

There's Gaipesh, Tamlesh, Mintesh, Rintesh...

Chitesh, Tantesh, Mantesh, Fattesh...

Mantesh, Shantesh, Rantesh, Shitesh...

Potesh, Tattesh...

Mikesh, Stagesh, Lightesh.

Standesh, Screenesh.

Bagesh, Fuckesh, Seatesh,

Trouseresh, Shirtesh.

And that's my sister Priya.

He goes, "Nah, man. All right, you make fun of Hindu people.

"But you never make fun of your own people, innit?"

"That's the thing about you, man.

"You don't make fun of, like, Sikh peoples, innit?"

Have we got any Sikh people in tonight?

- Yeah? There we go.

Now, they're all bastards too.

I'm an equal opportunities offender.

I hate all people equally.

Look, there's Balinder, Satinder, Malinder.

Davinder, Makinder, Chitinder.

And that's my sister Kiran.

What's your name, guys?

No, the Sikh guy behind you, pehnchoda.

"Who, me? Who, me?"

The one with the pug on and no dari.

You got a turban but no beard. Is that a fashion statement?

Where's your beard, man? Did you take it off this afternoon?

It's grey?

You're old? Fuck that, man. You should have a long, grey dari.

You kuffar.

- What's your name, man?

Iqbal?

Iqbal?

Iq-bal.

Do you know what that means in English, Dave?

One bollock.

"I've only got one ball."

"Why have you got no beard?" "Look, one ball."

Iqbal.

Iq-bal.

I've done jokes about loads of my Sikh friends.

One of my Sikh friends, his name is Satnav.

I said, "If you ever get lost, call up my mate Satnav.

"He'll call Uncle TomTom and give you directions."

And then I got messages from Sikh people: "Why the fuck, yeah,

"did you use the word Satnav in your fucking wideos?"

"You never cuss white people. You cuss your own people.

"You don't cuss white... You are scared of white people."

What are you chatting about? My first DVD in 2012 was called

"What's Happening White People?"

One person saw that.

"Anybody else see it? No, just me."

White people would give me shit about that all the time

when I used to say that.

People used to come up: "It's bollocks.

"How come you can call a show 'What's Happening White People'

"and I can't call a show 'What's Happening Black Bastards?'"

Not exactly the same, Dave.

"You're racist, you are, mate!" "How?"

"How come it's all right for you to go up on stage, right,

"and do my accent and I'm not allowed to do your accent?"

"You are allowed to do my accent."

"No, how come it's all right for you to go up on stage, right,

"and do my accent, and it's racist

"if I go up on stage and do a bad-bad ding-ding accent."

"A what?

"Say that again, mate."

"Do a bad-bad ding-ding poppadom butter-chicken accent."

I ain't got a bad-bad...

ding-ding

poppadom butter-chicken accent.

I'm from Edgware.

Hang on, let's rewind that for a second.

Bad-bad ding-ding.

What you laughing at, Dave?

Where did this shit come from?

"That weren't me, that was me dad."

Bad-bad ding-ding.

Apparently it came from the buses.

A lot of Indian people and Muslim people came to this country in the '60s and '70s

and they used to work on London Transport, right.

And my dad was a bus conductor. I used to sit on the buses with him.

Never once did he say, "Bad-bad ding-ding."

I've never in my life...

I've been around a lot of Indian people, Bengalis, Musalmans,

Sikhs, transgender Bengalis, everything.

Correct me if I'm wrong

but I have never seen one Indian person walk up to another Indian person

in my life

saying...

"Bad-bad...

"...ding-ding.

"Fucking hell, bad-bad."

"Pehnchoda, ding-ding."

"Bad-bad ding-ding."

My family came to this country in 1910.

Great Auntie Ding-Ding, Uncle Bad-Bad.

They never said this shit.

I used to get all different types of groups

who deal with these kind of issues when I was growing up.

I grew up around a lot of Chinese people, right?

Because I used to play Street Fighter II a lot.

Me and my friends used to hear "ching-chong".

That's proper racist, innit?

I've never once in my life seen one Chinese person

walk up to another Chinese person,

in my life...

I ain't gonna do it.

Because it's racist.

And Chinese people don't like lacism.

They'll come up to me after the show. "Hm, your jokes? Not funny."

"We don't do that."

"Sagat's Tiger Uppercut."

"Hadoken."

"You lose. Perfect."

"It's bollocks, man. Talk about something else.

"You've only got one joke, mate."

All right. I love women. Where's all the women tonight?

- That's more like it.

But I'll get shit for that afterwards.

"That was really sexist when you said you love all women.

"What you did there is you put all women into one category

"and there are different types of people.

"There are straight women, gay women, non-binary women, transgender women,

"there are transgender Bengalis, and what you've done...

"What you did was really, really sexist."

How can I be a sexist when I'm a feminist?

So I said, "Look, bitch, these are jokes."

That's the problem with me.

I focus on all the negative feedback I get.

I should concentrate on all the love I get from you fans.

I get so much love from you fans on social media.

In fact, I want to read out

some of the social-media feedback I get from you guys

on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram.

"I've been waiting a long time for this.

"@paulchowdhry is going back on tour.

"He is my..."

What kind of bastard can't spell "favourite" right?

Oh, it's that bastard.

Here's another one I got under one of my YouTube videos.

You know, I post YouTube videos and I get comments underneath them.

I can't name her for legal reasons

so let's just call her Tracey.

Tracey sends me a comment that says, "Mohamhad..."

Mohamhad?

You do not put ham in the middle of that name.

"Mohamhad, go eff your children, your four wives.

"Kill your sisters. Muslims are not funny.

"Period."

Period? That explains quite a lot.

Should have said that at the beginning of the sentence.

I wouldn't have read any further, innit?

"Oh, send me to the back of your temple of mosque."

What's a temple of mosque?

That's two separate establishments.

What's that, the new Indiana Jones film?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Mosque?

An imam runs out of a mosque with a big rock chasing him.

I'm not gonna read out the rest. That's the problem with the Internet.

People can be racist, sexist, homophobic, Islamophobic,

transgenderphobic.

I don't take that shit.

I rip 'em a new arsehole, innit?

Here's another one under one of my YouTube videos.

"Fucking, filthy, disgusting, vile,

"dirty, embarrassing, wannabe white man.

"You coconut,

"dark from the outside...

"...dark from the outside, wannabe white from the inside."

He had to explain what a coconut was.

"The white man will never accept you.

"You look Indian and fucked up too."

Not only do I look Indian, I'm fucked up

on top of looking Indian.

"Indian and fucked up too."

Here's another one I got from one of my fans.

"I used to have a problem getting girls,

"but thanks to you, I grew my beard and moustache

"and copied your jokes.

"Now I'm a registered sex offender...

"...on the terrorist watch list."

People say, "Paul, why don't you read out the positive messages?

"You only concentrate on the negativity."

And I don't find it as funny but when I perform to a live audience,

it gives me that opportunity to thank you all for messages like this.

When I get "@paulchowdhry Keep up the good work",

it gives me a chance to thank each and every one of you

for all the good feedback you give me.

So, thanks, guys, for all these types of messages.

Why have you stopped clapping? I wanna thank all of you

for funding our organisation.

Jamil, give out the badges, man.

Start phoning on your iPhone now.

A message from my brother underneath, Osama Bin Dead Laden.

People say, "Paul, you should be careful, man."

"Why you making fun of people online? They could have mental health issues."

And I say, "You know what? I don't give a shit."

Mental health is massive at the moment, innit?

Do you remember when people were sad?

No one's sad anymore. You gotta be happy or depressed.

"I'm really, really depressed."

"You might be sad." "No, no, fucking depressed."

Have we got any doctors in tonight?

- Yes. - Yeah? Whereabouts? You?

You're a doctor.

What fucking kind of doctor are you?

"I got a headache, doctor." "OK, take down your kuchi."

If I walked in and I saw you sat there with your lun out...

It's all right, mate. Fuck it.

- What's your name, man? - Mohamed.

Dr Mohamed?

How many white patients have you got?

One.

Just this guy? He looks like he's been sedated.

He's not even here of his own will.

- What kind of doctor are you? - Cardiologist.

Cardiologist? What the fuck does that mean?

Hearts.

Cocks?

You're a lun doctor?

I didn't know cardiologist was cocks.

- "What kind of doctor?" - "Cocks."

- "I got a headache." - "Let me just check it for you."

"Better? Better? Better?"

"Aa-aah!" "Better."

Depression isn't a thing amongst the Asian community.

Depression is like a white thing, innit?

Only white people suffer from it.

If someone's got depression within the Indian community,

we just get rid of them.

"That one's broken. Fuck off.

"Depression? Just fucking lazy. Fuck off!"

Because we should talk more about mental health issues.

You know six times as many men kill themselves compared to women?

And let's not be sexist about this.

It's not because a woman can't tie a noose.

It's not because you can't wire a plug.

It's because women are much better about talking about issues.

Men keep it pent up. They won't speak to anyone.

Women will. You know? She's got depression,

she'll be on the phone to her friends for hours and hours and hours

and hours and hours and hours,

weeks, months, years and hours and hours...

He's killed himself.

...and hours and hours

and hours... They find his body four weeks later.

...and hours and hours. The police turn up. "What happened?"

"I'm on the fucking phone.

"You've always gotta ruin it, ain't ya?"

It's very important to talk about mental health, you know.

We're all in this together.

I remember when Prince William and Harry spoke about the loss of their mum.

They suffer from depression. Arguably that's their bereavement.

Now, I lost my mum when I was four years old, right?

And if I can say that openly in a room

and help anyone that's been through similar situations,

we can make the world a better place, innit?

I commended the princes for saying that openly,

and they taught me that if I ever drive around Paris with a Muslim,

get fully comprehensive car insurance.

I was watching the Madeleine McCann documentary.

Don't tell us the end. Don't tell us where they find her.

No spoilers tonight.

Are we still looking for Madeleine McCann?

We shouldn't be moaning. This is costing us taxpayers money.

Every room we go into, we should be,

"Is there a Madeleine McCann in tonight?"

I do it when I go shopping.

"Is there a Madeleine McCann in here?

"No?"

I've been banned from Sainsbury's.

Madeleine McCann was abducted about 15 years ago in Portugal, right?

And it must be bad for her parents, innit?

It must be bad. I know that feeling.

I lost my iPhone once.

You know that sinking feeling you get in your stomach?

"Where the fuck is my phone, man?

"Where's my phone? Have you...?

"Phone my phone, man."

"Fucking phone my... I've lost my phone.

"If they find that phone, I'm fucked.

"Phone it up."

The phone starts ringing. "Hello? Who's that?"

"Madeleine McCann."

"Who fucking gave you my phone? We've been looking for you."

You know, we should be able to back up kids onto the cloud.

The amount of kids that go missing,

you should be able to back up kids onto the cloud, innit?

Obviously you can't back a kid up onto the cloud

because then Michael will start playing with them.

I didn't even say Jackson in that sentence

and everyone knew what I meant

when I said Michael.

Any Michael Jackson fans here tonight?

Yes!

I was a huge Michael Jackson fan

and then I saw that documentary, and I was pretty disturbed.

Michael Jackson. People go,

"You don't get it, Paul. Michael got beaten up by his dad."

So did a lot of other people.

Anyone else in this room get beaten up by their dad?

- Yes! - Yeah?

Everyone looks at the Indian people.

Dave and Trace are like,

"Nah, mate. Fucking hell. I'd have knocked him out, the slag."

"If my dad put his fingers up, I would have smacked the cunt."

We can't knock our dads out, Dave.

Michael got the good beatings as well, innit?

The beating so bad he turned white. The real beatings.

Michael had a certain type of kid he was hanging out with as well, innit?

Like, little white boys.

Little cute little...

Never Muslim boys or Indian boys.

Always little white boys, innit?

Doing the dancing and...

Now, this is gonna sound racist, right?

But white people need to hang on to their kids for a little bit longer.

You give away your kids way too quickly.

Michael was like, "I love your kid.

"I love your kid.

"Really cute, your kid.

"Can I play with your kid?"

"Can I?"

White people are like, "Fucking have him, mate.

"Fucking have him, you slag.

"When do you want him?" "Keep him, you wanker!"

"Give him back whenever you've finished with him."

You never saw him hanging around with any little Indian boys, innit?

We would never have been allowed to hang out with Michael.

No Asian family would have given away their kid

to Michael Jackson for a couple of years, unattended.

"Dad, I wanna go Michael Jackson house."

"What did you say?"

"I wanna go Michael Jackson house."

"Who house?"

"Michael Jackson house."

"You're never going Neverland, pehnchoda.

"It's called Neverland because you're never fucking going."

"Straight back home, pehnchoda."

- "He's got a funfair." - "We got a garden."

"I buy new swing, pehnchoda.

"Fucking Michael Jackson."

"That's really out of order, Paul. Michael's not here to defend himself.

"He's not here, is he?

"You're making fun of him and he's not here."

What was he gonna say if he was here to defend himself?

"I didn't do it."

"I never touched those kids."

"That's out of order, Paul. That is really out of order.

"That's way below the belt, innit?

"Michael, he was like a boy trapped inside a man's body."

I think you've got that the wrong way round, man.

"Michael didn't have a bad bone in his body."

He had a bad bone in the kid's body, that's what he had.

That voice as well.

"I love kids."

No one in this room could ever sleep in a bed

with a kid that ain't related to him.

He goes, "What's wrong with sharing your bed

"with a kid?"

What's with that voice? He was a 50-year-old man.

"Love kids."

That's how he got away with it, pretending he was like a child.

"Love kids."

No one else could have got away with that.

If I walk out of this show tonight, right, and some guy comes up to me,

"I love sleeping in the bed

"with the kid",

I'd say, "Get the fuck out of here, you nonce.

"Hey, let's kick his head in."

He'd never have got away with it with my voice.

Fucking love kids, mate.

Fucking love children.

Look, I love Michael Jackson music but I had to stop listening to it.

If I have to, I listen to The Jackson 5 era.

You know, the days when I could have touched him.

It's not paedophilia if you're abusing a paedophile.

That's the rules, innit, Dave?

You know who I feel sorry for? The Michael Jackson impersonators.

What are they gonna do now?

They can't do children's parties anymore, innit?

♪ You're not alone

"That's cos you're in bed with me.

"Get the fuck out the bed. I'm a four-year-old boy."

That all sounds very different now, innit?

Guess who wrote that song? R. Kelly.

That's like getting Jimmy Savile and Rolf Harris to record a track together.

♪ Now, then, now, then

♪ Now, then, now, then Now, then, now, then

♪ Now, then, now, then... The remix.

♪ Now, then, now, then

It's like the paedo playlist, innit?

I ain't got any kids, though.

I'm not even married. Do you know that?

I'm 44 years old and I'm not married.

And I'm Indian.

That's probably the most controversial thing I've said all night.

The looks on the Indians' faces. "Fucking disgusting."

"Not married? Fucking hell."

It's like a qualification in this community, innit?

You know when you're not married? You're dead to the community.

In fact, I've got cousins that have come out of prison.

"Don't worry, come home. He's not married. Fuck off!

"Like shit on my shoe, pehnchoda."

I went out with white women when I was growing up

and it was very controversial.

Nowadays no one cares about mixed relationships anymore.

But in the olden days it was tougher.

My sister ended up with a white guy in the 1980s.

That was when it was really controversial.

We don't talk to her anymore. That's not the point.

I don't even know what she looks like, but that's not the point.

Because what happened is, a lot of Indian people

and Muslim and Asian people,

when they can't find someone in this country

they get taken back home to find someone.

Not Birmingham or Leicester.

Proper back home.

True story. My brother got taken to India to get married. I remember this.

My dad took my brother to India on a Monday.

He met this girl on a Tuesday.

He took her for a drink on Wednesday.

Then he got married on a Thursday, Friday, Saturday,

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday,

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. That's a long wedding, innit?

You know most Indian weddings last longer than English marriages?

A lot of Indian people and a lot of Muslim and Asian people,

we have to marry within the same religious groups as each other.

And that saves a lot of the Asian guys.

If you look at some of these Indian women here tonight,

some beautiful women...

Whey-hey!

...with deep voices.

You look at the Indian women, there's some beautiful Indian women.

Apart from that fucked-up animal.

Some beautiful Indian women,

and they have to marry within the same religious groups.

And then you look at the bloke with them:

fucked up!

Some gorilla turns up from Planet of the Apes.

He's in tonight.

The thing is, Indian people don't have that birds and the bees chat.

Our parents never sat us down.

Indian people, Muslims,

did your parents ever sit you down and have the birds and the bees chat?

This guy actually examines dicks

and he's never had the birds...

He had to learn it at university.

Your dad never sat you down, innit? Our dads never sat us down.

"Son, when you get older, let me show you what you have to do."

We never had that birds and the bees chat.

White people sit their kids down

and talk to them about these kinds of things in life.

"Son, when you get older, fucking get in there, you little slag.

"When I met your mum, fucking all day long I was."

"I'm only six, Dad."

"When I were six, I was a granddad, you little slag.

"Hurry up, you wanker."

I feel sorry for people, especially the women out there

that have got to endure this kind of behaviour from men.

This is how people meet these days.

Someone's face comes up on your phone

and you swipe their faces.

You know, like Musimatch and...

...Halal.com, whatever.

This is romance in 2019.

Someone's face comes up on your phone.

You don't know anything about this person as a human being.

You swipe.

How have we got to this in human civilisation?

When someone's face comes up and you find them repulsive,

"Get the fuck out of my phone!"

That's why it don't work. Women think about who they're gonna date.

Men don't give a shit.

Women are like, "Er, no, no, no, no, no.

"Hm? No."

Yous are like, "Yes, yes, yes, yes.

"That's all of them, innit?"

"That's not even got a picture." "Fucking yes, bruv."

"That's a monkey banging a gorilla." "Fucking yes, bruv."

"That's R. Kelly and Michael Jackson."

"Fucking yes, bruv, innit?"

I've had a couple of dates off these sites.

A lot of people have got filters on their faces.

You don't know what people look like in real life.

You turn up and... "Who the fuck are you?"

- "I'm here for the date."

"Nah, mate. That's...

"Where's your dog filter?"

"Where's the tongue and the dog ears and shit?"

I've been catfished.

By a dogfish.

They lie. People lie online.

Sometimes they're in a picture with their friend,

and you're like, "Which one am I trying to chat to right here?"

I went on a date once and the wrong one turned up.

The busted one.

I'm like, "Who's that?" "Oh, that's my best friend."

"Well, you better phone that bastard.

"You better pay for this Uber."

I feel sorry for the women out there, you know?

Because men these days, they're pretty, like...

When a man asks a woman to send him a picture online,

don't send it.

"Send me a picture, innit?"

"Of what?"

"You fucking know what I'm chatting about."

"No."

"Send me a picture of your tit hanging out."

Then she's actually gotta go, "All right."

You know, it's a thing at the moment where people send lun pictures.

Do you know what you look like when you take that? Look at yourself.

Unsolicited. That should be illegal.

If you send a picture like that to a woman without her asking,

you should be put in prison. No one can do that in real life.

"What do you do?" "I'm in banking. I'm an accountant, innit?"

"What are you doing?" "Nothing. I just got it out."

Almost hit my own lun there.

That's a bit embarrassing, innit?

Smacked my own lun with a fake lun.

Two dicks touching. You guys know what I'm chatting about.

People send these pictures in real life, man. I feel sorry...

Has any woman ever got one of those pictures and thought,

"That's the one for me,"

"I've found the one"?

White people can get away with that.

Indians and Muslims, they even receive a dick pic, they'll get killed.

Some of these Indian women, if they receive one,

Musalman women...

White people would be like, "Mum, I got a dick pic."

"Let's have a look, love.

"It's lovely, innit?

"Show Dad. Dad, have a look at that.

"She's got a date tomorrow."

If she even received... Your dad would have killed you.

"Who fuck...? Dick pic, pehnchoda?

"Who fucking sent you this dick pic?

"We'll find the bastard, kunjar soor!"

"Who fucking sent this dick pic bastard?

"Not even halal!"

My point is, it doesn't matter.

I get a lot of complaints from certain critics in this industry.

I don't know if you know about this,

but the biggest newspaper in England turned up to my last tour

and they called me a xenophobe.

You've seen my show. I don't even play an instrument.

It doesn't matter what race, sexuality, gender,

transgender Bengalis, don't matter,

we should laugh at each other's differences

and share each other's experiences because we're all one family.

We live in 2019 now where racism has come back hardcore.

Any airport you land at in the world, you got immigrants working at airports.

That's the No.1 job for immigration.

You land at London Heathrow airport, you got Indians working there.

Indians popping down from India think they haven't even left yet.

"We just flied 360 degrees.

"We are still here, pehnchoda."

This is gonna sound racist, right?

But when I travel, I only travel with white people.

You know? If I travel,

I'm only travelling with Bungle, George and Geoffrey over here.

Rod, Jane and Freddy.

I ain't travelling with you lot.

We ain't getting in anywhere.

I remember last time I tried to get into America.

With this look, it ain't gonna work.

I went with my mate and I said, "How are we gonna get in?"

And he said, "Don't worry about it, Paul. Copy me. We'll both get in."

- "How's that?" - "Just say what I say. Just copy me."

When we get to the immigration desk, they say,

"So, what do you do for a living?"

Dave goes, "I work in recruitment."

"Go right through."

"I can't say I work in recruitment, you dumb bastard.

"Who am I recruiting?"

He gets in. I get to, "What's your name?"

"Paul Chowdhry." "What do you do?"

"I'm a comedian." "Oh. We'd better google you."

"Don't google me, man."

"Don't google me, man. Don't google me."

And then this shit came up.

I was on the next flight back to Syria.

That's my time. You've been a great crowd.

Thanks for coming out tonight. Thanks a lot, guys.