Original subtitles

In other news, Glasgow supermarkets

have been hit by a surprising new dating fad,

with single shoppers using pineapples to find love.

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Gem, have I shown you his profile?

SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, definitely has potential.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll send you my location now.

OK, bye.

So, you're an anaesthetist? And you're a teacher.

That's very wholesome for these times.

I'm not sure I'm very wholesome.

Look, Mabel, I think you're lovely.

Hey, erm...

THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

The thing that I should say is, erm...

I'm in a long-term relationship.

And what we're actually looking for is...

ECHOING AND DISTANT: ..is someone to join us...

..casually.

And we both liked your profile.

And now that I've met you, I think this could be really great.

So, what do you think?

Would you be open to something like that?

We only live around the corner.

Ooh!

Egg and cress. Excellent choice.

Tap when you're ready.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh.

PHONE BEEPS

WIND WHISTLES

WIND INTENSIFIES

So...

..do you think you want kids, then?

I don't know yet.

Right.

Erm, full disclosure,

I've got one, but I...

..barely see him.

TANNOY JINGLE PLAYS

Can we remind shoppers

that pineapple dating is strictly prohibited?

Any shoppers with an upside-down pineapple will be removed.

# I want you to stay

# Till I'm in the grave

# Till I rot away, dead and buried

# Till I'm in the casket you carry

# If you go, I'm goin' too. #

The usual place.

We'll see. Oh! Staying out?

Ha! No. I have every intention of going home tonight, Gem.

SHE GIGGLES

Aren't these your favourites, Nancy?

Now, don't say I'm no good to you.

Colin, what have I told you

about flirting with other customers, eh?

Come on, let's get you something.

GEMMA: Hello?

I'm sorry, Gem. Er, yeah.

So, he is SO hot.

THEY LAUGH

No.

So I was literally flailing around in the water.

That's so funny.

I think I'm the first person they've ever asked to stop scuba diving.

No.

I'm having a really nice time. Yeah. Me too.

Can I kiss you?

Would that be all right?

ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

KISSING SOUNDS

MUSIC DISTORTS

HE PANTS

Oh, my God! Are you OK?

Erm... I...

Sorry, I...

I split up with my ex of, like, four years

a few months ago, and...

We've had to sell the flat. It's...

HE SOBS

Good that you got on that property ladder, though.

HE SOBS

BLOWS NOSE NOISILY

DIALLING TONE

Leave a message.

We only live around the corner.

Barely see him.

We've had to sell the flat! It's...

CHUCKLING: What are you like?

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC FADES

Are you doing that pineapple dating thing?

SHE SCOFFS

No!

No. It's OK, I was just... You know.

What does a dating app know that a pineapple doesn't?

Like, compatible geography.

Huh?

What are you even talking about?

Sorry.

What's wrong with you?

SHE GROANS

CHECKOUT BEEPS

Why are you everywhere? You got ID?

They make us ask anyone obviously under 25.

BEEPING

Erm...Mabel. Yes, Rory? Yeah.

Did I do it wrong, or are you just not interested?

I...

Er...

Just...

Yep. Er...

Erm...

Don't worry about it.

I know I'm late, but where would you head after?

Like, are you heading for the long-lasting dried goods

or the short-expiry reduced aisle?

Erm, I would probably go to the cereal section

and take it from there.

Er, are you free tomorrow? Er...

Rory, clean up at the milk. TANNOY BUZZES

Er...

How about now?

Like, right now?

Huh?

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