Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

Are You going to Be My Girl by Jet

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome your host for tonight...

CHEERING

Shake It Out by Florence + The Machine

Yes, Apollo!

Let's hear ya!

Hammersmith, make some noise!

Yes, friends.

Yes. Thank you for being here tonight.

Are we good, Hammersmith?

CHEERING

Oh, baby, yeah.

Can I say that feels good?

I'm just going to get this out of the way -

I played a gig at the weekend

and it didn't go so well.

I played the Hair Awards.

LAUGHTER

Let me tell you, as a bald man,

that's a long four hours.

LAUGHTER

You know the worst thing of it?

At the end of the Hair Awards,

the guy organising it came over to me and he goes,

"Well done tonight, mate. Nice one. Here's a goodie bag."

LAUGHTER

What am I going to do with a goodie...?

There was volumizer in there!

I'm like, that's like giving a goldfish a parachute.

LAUGHTER

Can I make an admission? Are we friends? Can I tell you a secret?

SCATTERED CHEERS

I'm as high as a kite.

LAUGHTER

Absolutely off my swede,

and not in an old-school way, I've not been at the coke.

No, I'm on co-codamol.

LAUGHTER

The dad's drug.

Let me break it down - I was putting my daughter to bed this evening,

which, weirdly, is the time

I usually like a couple of lines of cocaine.

LAUGHTER

I find the Gruffalo's a better book when you're off your nut.

LAUGHTER

"The mouse took a stroll...

"..through the deep, dark wood."

"Don't cry, Dad."

"It's the Gruffalo, no-one understands him."

It's a weird thing. I put my daughter to bed...

I don't know if... How many parents have we got in the room?

Make some noise, parents.

CHEERING

It's a bizarre...

I'm still struggling with the whole sleep thing.

For example, when my daughter does go to sleep, when she is sleeping,

I'm in there every five minutes

just to make sure she's still breathing.

I don't know if you do this thing, running in, going...

LAUGHTER

"She's all right. She's fine. She's...

"Just check again. Just check again.

"She's fine. She's OK.

"Actually, just check one more time.

"Have to do the pulse thing."

I worry I'm still doing that when she's 21.

LAUGHTER

"Sorry, mate. Just..."

LAUGHTER

"Just checking she's..."

"Didn't know you were staying over."

LAUGHTER

"You were only dropping off a pizza."

LAUGHTER

We're going for a thing at the moment with her

where you put her to bed,

and you have to wait now for about seven hours

until she actually goes to sleep.

You have to sit in the room until she's into a deep, deep sleep.

And you sit in a corner.

She's like, "Just sit over there until I'm asleep,"

and you're like, "OK".

So you sit in the corner and then you've got to try,

you know, wait two, three hours before you can sneak out.

It's very hard to sneak when you're my size, you're 6' 7",

everything creaks when I stand.

I've got flatulence now, so it's like...

TOM BLOWS RASPBERRY AND MIMICS CREAKING

LAUGHTER

TOM BLOWS RASPBERRIES IN SYNC WITH STEPS

As I'm making my way out of the room,

her little head pops up like a sniper and goes,

"Where are you going, Dad?"

"I need you to wait until I'm probably asleep."

"It's PROPERLY, you idiot."

LAUGHTER

I was in there tonight and I know I've got to be here,

so I think, "I've got to get out, I've got to sneak out best I can."

So I start sneaking out.

And in my daughter's room, there's a chest of drawers.

I've always got on with his chest of drawers before,

never had a problem with it before, never once in my life.

As far as I know, me and the chest of drawers, we're on good terms.

I start coming out of the room

and I walk past the chest of drawers

and, as I walk past the chest of drawers,

I catch three of my toes. Smash!

The pain sears through my body

but I can't scream.

I can't make a sound

cos, if I make a sound, I'm going to wake her

and then I won't be able to be here.

So I do the most insane thing, Apollo -

I silently scream.

I go like this...

TOM VOCALISES TOE HITTING DRAWERS

SILENCE

LAUGHTER

Like that's a better thing for my daughter to wake up and see -

her dad in a room just looking at her, going...

LAUGHTER

And it just... It gets worse.

I start freaking out at the chest of drawers,

like it's a geezer who's knocked my pint over in a Wetherspoons.

I start going, "You prick, you snidey little prick.

"I'm a nice guy."

I start fantasising about what I'm going to do

to the chest of drawers tomorrow.

I'll wave my wife off to work, my daughter off to nursery,

then go upstairs into the bedroom and walk up and go,

"You still want to go now?

"You still want to make one with me in the cold light of day?"

Drag it down to the garage...

I'm not going to beat it up,

not in my daughter's bedroom, that would be psychopathic.

Take it to the garage,

light a cigarette, pour a whisky - like I'm in a Tarantino movie.

Start circling and going, "Come on, then, let's have you now."

Pick up a sledgehammer and just start smashing the granny out of it.

Turn it around and you go, "You tell all the rest of the stuff

"to not mess with me in the house.

"You tell that fridge door to close when I push it."

I think I'm carrying a lot of inner rage, that's what it is,

on the basis that my daughter doesn't respect me.

She's three and a half, she's got no respect for me at all. Nothing.

For example, she started school this week, right?

First day of school, she's at the bottom of the stairs,

she's trying to put her little shoes on,

she's got them on the wrong feet, she's struggling with the laces,

struggling to do up the Velcro. And I come over and go,

"I've got this. Come here, I'll do this for you."

Put the shoes on the right feet, do the laces, do the Velcro,

go, "There we go. Have a good day."

And she stands up and looks at me up and down she goes...

"Oh, wow, Dad.

"Amazing."

LAUGHTER

It was pretty amazing.

You've been there for 45 minutes

making an absolute idiot out of yourself.

We've been going through the Disney phase.

Parents in the room, you done the Disney phase?

AUDIENCE MURMURS

We've been going film by film.

We started off with Beauty And The Beast,

started watching Beauty And The Beast, ten, 15, 20 times a day,

we were watching Beauty And The Beast.

And at the end of the day, she'd turn around and go,

"Dad, Dad, can we play Beauty And The Beast?"

Obviously, that can only go one way.

Feels like the start of therapy in 30 years otherwise, doesn't it?

"Why have you got such a low opinion of yourself, Grace?"

"Well, I was like three, and me

"and me my dad would play Beauty And The Beast,

"and he'd put on a yellow dress and just prance around the room."

LAUGHTER

Obviously - obviously - she's Beauty and I'm The Beast.

And we'll be playing and she'll be going,

"Come here, Beast! Come here, disgusting Beast!"

LAUGHTER

"Come here, dirty Beast! Vile Beast!

"Come here, grubby, disgusting Beast!"

I'm like, "I don't actually remember Belle being such a prick

"in the movie, if I'm honest with you."

Before long, though, Beauty And The Beast becomes tiresome,

it becomes boring.

She starts watching, like, Frozen.

And she's like, "Daddy, daddy, can we play Frozen?"

I was like, of course we can.

She's like, "I'm going to be Elsa."

I'm like, "Good for you. Nice.

"Who am I? Olaf?

"Sven?"

And she looked at me cold in the eye and she went,

"No, Dad...

"..you're the Beast."

LAUGHTER

I said...

"..there's not a Beast in Frozen."

And she went, "you're always...

"..the Beast."

Subsequently, I've been the Beast in Toy Story,

I was the Beast in Moana.

I was the Beast in Up!

I've been typecast in my own house.

LAUGHTER

"Beast!"

Bizarrely, that was a moment in my life that I thought,

"You know what? I've got to lose a bit of weight."

I joined a gym. I always think,

if you want to find a dickhead, go to the gym.

Favourite bit of kit in the gym,

that I love more than anything in the world,

is the good girl, bad girl machine. Do you know that one?

This one, you sit here and go,

"Good girl, bad girl, good girl, bad girl, good girl..."

LAUGHTER

I like a bit of gym kit you sit at for ages,

tube of Pringles, couple of cans of Foster's.

"Good girl, bad girl, good girl, bad girl."

I'm in there the other day and this fellow bowls in.

He's in full tennis whites, dressed up...

By the way, has anyone ever been to Wimbledon? Just quickly. Anyone...?

CHEERING

Not the town. I mean, like, the tennis. You've been to Wimbledon?

Yes. You enjoy it?

- I loved it. - I enjoyed Wimbledon.

I've got to say, I've been some places,

I've never, ever, ever felt as out of place, anywhere in my life,

as Wimbledon.

I felt like an XL bully walking through Crufts.

LAUGHTER

Bizarre place. Anyhow...

I'm here, this guy bowls in, he's in full tennis whites, perma-tan,

and he walks up to this big mirror,

bowls up slow like,

looks himself up and down,

gives a little sniff and goes...

LAUGHTER

TOM MOUTHS

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER, TOM MOUTHS

I think to myself,

"This prick is playing shadow tennis..."

LAUGHTER

"..and he's losing!"

LAUGHTER

It's a funny thing. They say, to be healthy,

to keep yourself healthy, you need two things -

you need to work out, you need to stay fit -

which I've got on lock, as you can see -

and you need a good diet, you've got to be on top of the diet.

That is where I fall down, the diet.

I am a greedy piece of shit, by nature.

For example, first thing I'll do when I get home tonight won't be

go and see my gorgeous wife,

my Kathryn, my girl, my world,

make sure she's OK,

or check in on my daughter.

No, I go to my first love -

the fridge

Bowl into the kitchen, stick on a bit of Ed Sheeran...

..dim the lights...

..slowly walk up to her...

..pull her open...

..rest my chin on a shelf, look down and look up and go...

.."Now, who's coming to bed with me tonight?"

LAUGHTER

Have you ever seen ham wince?

LAUGHTER

Couple of Dairylea Dunkers just making a run for the door.

I'm disgusting when I get going.

For example, the other week,

I'm sitting there, I'm sitting watching Traitors.

Anyone here seen Traitors?

I'm on the sofa. Do you watch Traitors?

CHEERING

I like Traitors.

All I wish it had was Danny Dyer...

I wish Danny Dyer was in every programme. I love Danny.

I think, Danny... But, you know, like, the moment that...

Every morning, when they sit around together at breakfast

and they're all really worried about who's been murdered

and who's a Traitor... And they're all so polite,

they're going, "Who do you think did it?

"Who do you think's a Traitor?

"Who do you think's been murdered?

"Who do you think the Traitor is?

"Oh, I don't want to look at anyone. I'm so scared."

I want Danny to come in, seven Stellas deep.

Just come bowling in, going, "Oi, are you the Traitor?

"Are YOU the Traitor? Are YOU the Traitor? Are you...?

"I'm the Traitor!

"Right, completed it. "Stick me in Gladiators."

LAUGHTER

I'm sitting there watching Traitors, right?

I iron out a whole sleeve of Jaffa Cakes to myself.

Whole sleeve, just gone.

And it's disgusting. I'm just...

I get halfway through the sleeve of Jaffa Cakes, think,

"That's enough Jaffa Cakes,"

but I start just wedging them into my mouth, two by two,

just stuffing them in.

I kick the wrapper across the floor

like I'm in an MMA fight.

Go to my bedroom, pull off my T-shirt.

My gut falls over my Calvins.

I just stand there looking in a full-length mirror like,

"You're disgusting.

"That was a disgusting show of greed down there with those Jaffa Cakes.

"You just demolished a whole sleeve of Jaffa Cakes to yourself.

"Families of four,

"of an evening, will share a sleeve of Jaffa Cakes.

"You just ate them on your own.

"You've got to do better. You're a dad now, show some restraint."

Then I get into bed, I lay there for about two or three minutes

and think, "That was a two-pack of Jaffa Cakes."

LAUGHTER

"There's another sleeve downstairs."

LAUGHTER

My biggest showing of greed of late,

my biggest show of greed,

was last year. I took my wife out for Valentine's Day.

I'm like, "We're going out, babe. We're going to go somewhere lovely,

"have a right romantic one together."

I mean, I should have probably dressed it up a bit differently,

I took her to a burger joint in north London.

LAUGHTER

She got very dressed up - black dress, handbag, high heels -

I was like, "You're going to embarrass yourself in there.

"They give you a plastic bib to eat with."

LAUGHTER

On the front, outside the front of this place,

is a picture of what they say is London's biggest burger.

I turned to my wife, all sexy like,

and I'm like,

"I'm going to eat that tonight."

And she's like, "No, you're not."

And I'm like, "Why, don't you think I can?"

She went, "No, I know you can,

"but it's Valentine's Day

"and that would be disgusting."

I took that as a flirty challenge.

LAUGHTER

Bowled straight in the gaff, walked up to the waiter,

went, "Oi, John, get me one of the big burgers, pal.

"Give me a big burger."

Burger comes out and, let me tell you, Apollo, it was beautiful.

Brioche bun, four beef patties,

a little bit of bacon,

some iceberg lettuce, blue cheese.

There was a tomato in there, I kicked that mug straight out.

WHOOSHING SOUND, LAUGHTER

"Stay away from our burgers, you little prick."

"Stick to pasta sauces and salads."

That's as political as I get.

LAUGHTER

I picked this burger up.

I look at my wife, into her beautiful eyes,

and I give her a sexy wink.

I open my mouth as wide as I can,

I go...

And stuff the burger in.

And as I close my mouth down,

it just stops

and there's a stick running through the middle of the burger.

AUDIENCE GROANS

HE WAILS

MUFFLED GROANS

My wife, at first, is like,

"I told you not to. It was too big, I told..."

And I'm like...

MUFFLED GROANS

"A stick!"

Then she starts worrying. She's like,

"There's something wrong with my husband.

"There's something wrong with my husband,

"I think he's having a heart attack."

The whole rest of the restaurant is like...

TOM MAKES WHOOSHING SOUND

Comes running over going, "Is he OK? Is he all right?"

Everyone's panicking now. "Is he...? Are you OK?"

I'm like...

MUFFLED SPEECH AND GROANS

Pandemonium. Everyone's worried.

Everyone.

Finally, one guy steps forward.

Looks a bit like Bradley Cooper.

I say he looks like Bradley Cooper, he looks like Bradley Cooper if

you're driving really quickly down the road and you go,

"Did you see him? He look like Bradley Cooper."

You drive around the block, slow down,

you go, "No, he didn't. What a waste of both of our time."

LAUGHTER

He comes over and he leans forward, and he goes...

He's French, by the way.

"I've seen this before somewhere.

"He's gone too big on his first bite,

"and he has a stick

"caught in his mouth."

Worry and anxiety turns to ridicule and laughter.

Everyone just starts pissing themselves,

everyone's just laughing, my wife's laughing so much.

She's got her forehead buried into this guy's chest

and she's like...

HE INHALES

"Oh, is that Tom Ford?"

One guy finds it so funny, he runs to the door of the restaurant,

boots it open and goes, "You've got to see this!

"Some fat wanker's got himself harpooned on a burger stick."

LAUGHTER

People start coming in from out of the restaurant.

People are leaving other restaurants,

people are cancelling Ubers,

all just to get a look at me sat there, like that.

LAUGHTER

All the time, I'm just worried.

I'm worried this is me for the rest of my life now.

Gracey's wedding day, like that, coming down the aisle.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Finally, my wife and Bradley Cooper stop kissing.

LAUGHTER

And he leans forward and he says...

"I've seen this somewhere before."

"The only thing you can do is pull a burger from the stick

"and out of his mouth.

"Then we break the stick."

I would arguably say, Apollo,

THE most disgusting,

unromantic thing you're ever likely to see on Valentine's Day

is this wally pull a burger,

that's been in his mouth for about ten minutes, out of his mouth,

watch him break a stick,

and then watch him pick the said burger up

and go for a second bite.

LAUGHTER

I'd say that's a Valentine's low right there.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act?

CHEERING

So, go mad! Go crazy!

Make some noise for my guy,

Mr Kae Kurd!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Return Of The Mack by Mark Morrison

Hey!

Apollo, how are we doing? Are you well?

CHEERING

Lovely. It's nice seeing you guys, man.

Give me a cheer if you're over 30.

LOUD CHEERING

Love that. My people.

Back pain setting in already, love it.

Give me a cheer if you're in your 20s.

LOUDER CHEERING

I can't stand you guys. Ugh.

LAUGHTER

No, honestly, like, I've got to that age where I can't stand

anything about young people. I hate you lot.

I do. You know, when they're like...

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE, AFFECTED ACCENT: "Let's leave the world

"in a better place for future generations."

And you look at them.

LAUGHTER

You're just like, "Let the world burn, bruv."

Like, they're going to put it on TikTok anyway.

I can't stand you lot, with that look that you all have,

just that blank stare.

LAUGHTER

It's like, somewhere along the way,

you lot forgot that you have to communicate with your face.

You just ask them anything, and they're like...

I hate you lot, man. You speak too much.

You do. They talk too much.

They just go on TikTok and tell you about their illnesses

without anybody telling you why.

Like, they're just there.

Just, "Nyah, nyah." Always...

Always talking about their illnesses.

Like, I was on TikTok the other day, this girl was like...

"Follow me for a day in the life

"of somebody with IBS."

LAUGHTER

What is going on, guys? Like...

..when was it all right to start telling people

you're walking around with a leaky bumhole?

Right? Like...

LAUGHTER

When did we OK this, right?

When did we decide, as a society, this was OK, right?

Like, do you know what happened when you used to suffer from IBS?

You'd sit closest to the toilet and you'd shut up, right?

LAUGHTER

I wouldn't tell a single soul I had IBS.

Are you mad? I'd hold that shit in!

LAUGHTER

I wouldn't tell anybody I'm ill. Like, are you mad?

I would lie at every given opportunity.

"Why were you in a toilet?"

"Cocaine!"

LAUGHTER

Like, I would rather you thought I was a class-A drug addict

than somebody that could poo myself when I sneeze, right?

LAUGHTER

Everybody has to have a label these days, right?

You know, everyone's like,

"Oh, I've got anxiety, I've got ADHD. I'm...

"I'm neurodiverse."

"I'm this." Do you know what it is?

Somewhere along the line, someone made oppression look cool

and now everybody wants a piece of it, right?

And I blame X Factor.

Remember, back in the day, it used to have all those sob stories?

It did. But, you know, the sob stories at the beginning,

when it first started, it was like real sob stories, innit?

It was like a single mum had beat cancer three times

and she was like, "I want to sing Whitney Houston."

You were like, "Do whatever you like, bruv. Like, just..."

Nowadays, you watch a TV programme about cleaning,

it's a dad there going,

"Yeah, it's really hard to clean

"being a single dad, having a gluten intolerance." It's like...

LAUGHTER

Everyone has to have a label.

What happened to just being a bit weird?

LAUGHTER

Do you remember that one?

Like, "Why has he got his coat on indoors?"

"I don't know, he's a bit weird, innit?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That was...

It was lovely, right?

"Why is he, like, faxing pictures of his cock?"

"I don't know! He likes it!"

You made jokes about him, and, you know, he felt included.

Now, you just go. "How are the trains, Rick? And they're like...

"Oh, did you know Rick's on the spectrum

"and you're in a HR meeting?" It's like, "Argh."

LAUGHTER

It's a tough time, though.

It's a tough world to live in right now, man.

It's a tough world for young people to live in as well.

You've got...

You've got the rise of the far right, as they say,

there's flags going up everywhere.

Like, do you lot think the flags are racist?

MIXED REACTION

I don't know. Right?

Nah, I don't know, It's not putting up the flags that's racist,

it's what you do when you're putting up the flags that are racist.

Cos I associate the flag with Euro 96, innit?

Right? That's...

LAUGHTER

No, I do. Whenever I see the St George's flag,

I just hear "three lions on a shirt", right? That's...

That's what I hear, right? That's... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

No, it is, it is. Honestly.

It's not the flag that's the issue,

it's what you do when you're putting up the flag.

If you're shouting, "Get the hell home!"

Yeah, maybe it's the marketing...

LAUGHTER

..that's your problem, right?

If they started playing Wonderwall

and gave out sandwiches, we'd be like...

"Oh, what a lovely community event," right?

LAUGHTER

That's why everybody loves a Jamaican flag

cos, when you see a Jamaican flag,

there's always music playing in the background, right?

Just out of nowhere, there's, like, some jerk chicken.

They take you on a sensory experience.

Before you know it, you're watching the Olympics going...

"I want Jamaica to do well. Yeah."

LAUGHTER

St George's flag, though, it's a great one for a racist, though.

It's a great one. Easy. Two lines.

HE MAKES WHOOSHING SOUND

You could be stark drunk, right, and you could still draw that.

Imagine being a Welsh nationalist. Like...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Do you know what I mean?

CHEERING

How do you draw a dragon off by heart?

That is a four-man job, at least.

You need four people to carry the tins of paint,

you need an art degree.

And even if you do get the dragon up,

there's going to be people walking by going...

"Oh, my God, Chinese New Year."

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Do you know what, like, though?

That thing about the flag really makes me laugh, right?

Cos they put up the flag everywhere.

They put it up... I've been up and down the motorway recently, right?

I've been up and down the motorway, I've seen the flag everywhere,

and when you ask people these questions, the ones that put it up,

"They're like, oh, yeah, we're putting it up so immigrants know

"where they stand, right?"

Like they're trying to put immigrants off coming here

by putting the flag. But I don't know about you guys, right?

Listen, if I was risking my life to come over here on a boat,

to travel 21 miles on a dinghy,

if I saw the England flag,

I'd just be happy I made it.

LAUGHTER

Do you know what I mean?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'd be there like...

"Mahmoud, look, we made it!"

LAUGHTER

"It's England," right?

If you really want to stop the boats, there's a great plan, right?

If you really want to stop the boats,

just line Dover with French flags, right?

LAUGHTER

I'm being serious!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Line the whole place with French flags,

start giving out Eiffel Tower key rings, right?

LAUGHTER

They'd be like...

"Again?! What the hell?"

LAUGHTER

You'd confused the hell out of him.

It would stop the boats in a week, right?

LAUGHTER

It's a terrifying time, man. It's a terrifying time.

The whole world is in disarray.

You know, people moaning about Donald Trump.

Any Donald Trump fans in here?

SOLITARY CHEER

LAUGHTER

Two guys over there forgot they weren't on Facebook.

"Ah, yeah..."

"No, no, I think like the rest of these lot. Yeah, yeah."

I've not got a massive opinion on Donald Trump, right?

I just do find it funny when people go...

"I can't believe he said that."

I'm like, "I can."

"He's 78."

"Let's put a camera in front of your grandad,

"let's see how progressive he is," right?

LAUGHTER

I'm going to be a bigot.

LAUGHTER

I know I'm going to be a bigot.

I've already started planning it, right?

But I'm going to be a bigot to the machines, right?

Yeah, I know I'm going to be a bigot to, like, AI. I can't wait.

I'm already thinking of slurs to call them.

"Code monkeys."

"Rusties." Right?

Well, no, because, like, I hate the robots already, right?

That's why I don't have one of those smart speakers.

It's like bringing an enemy into your own home, right?

Those things record everything you say, bro.

Right? You think they don't?

One day, you're going to be singing along to your favourite rap song

and it's going to be, like,

record the part where you say the N word by accident

and it's like...

"Do you want me to post this?" "No! No, no, no."

LAUGHTER

I'm going to be a bigot to them, man.

I can imagine one day, in the future,

I'm going to be playing with my future kids.

Alexa's playing music in the background, right?

I'll be like, "Shut up, Alexa."

- My kids are going to be like... - "Daddy..."

Because I'm going to have middle-class children, right?

LAUGHTER

"Daddy, you mustn't say that."

I'm like, "Why not?"

"It's got feelings."

"No, it doesn't. It's a machine."

And then I'm there on TikTok doing an apology video.

LAUGHTER

"I apologise to the AI community.

"I wasn't aware of your struggle."

LAUGHTER

"I'll do better in future."

It is a tough one, man. It is a tough one with racism.

We had our own race riots last year as well, right?

Football season ended, you know, there was that month...

LAUGHTER

What are you going to do, innit?

LAUGHTER

It was terrifying, right?

Cos, for the first time in about 25 years,

I got racially abused, right?

And that's when I knew racism had gone too far, you know?

It's like, "It's affecting me now, stop it."

LAUGHTER

"If everybody could just shut up now. Right? OK?

"You had your fun, right?"

No, I did, I got racially abused in south London,

on Streatham High Road, I got racially abused -

and this is when I knew racism had got too far, right?

I got racially abused by an Irishman.

LAUGHTER

Do you know how bad racism has to get for the Irish to get involved?

It's like, "Bro, what happened?

"You lot used to be on the signs as well."

LAUGHTER

"We can't use bins in Canary Wharf cos of your lot."

LAUGHTER

No, like, I love the Irish, right?

APPLAUSE

I thought we were on the same team.

This guy was out shouting racist abuse

at every black and brown person that was going by.

He was, like, shouting the N word and the P word. He's like...

"Look at you, you... "Look at you, you..."

And then he saw me and he was like, "Look at you..."

LAUGHTER

"What the flip are you?"

LAUGHTER

"I could be anything you want me to be, sir, OK?"

LAUGHTER

I watched the racism turn into homophobia really quickly,

it was great.

I was watching those marches with a lot of interest.

I was watching them with a lot of interest, right?

Because you've got to do a bit of self-reflection sometimes.

I was like, "Why am I not racist," right?

LAUGHTER

No, you've got to ask that question sometimes, right?

And like, you know, obvious reasons, but...

I was like, "Why, why, why, why am I not marching with these guys?"

And I was looking at them, right, and all of them...

They're, like, shouting, "Oh, let's get our country back."

And I was like...

..get your hairline back first, innit?

LAUGHTER

No, honestly, like...

CHEERING

Cos that's when I realised why, like, I couldn't be...

Because they're way too ugly... LAUGHTER

..for me to believe them, innit?

If you want to tell me you're better than me,

you better be sexy, innit, right?

No, cos I don't believe a word ugly people say in general, right?

Like, as a rule, I don't believe ugly people, right?

Like, that's why I didn't believe in climate change for years, right?

LAUGHTER

I'm serious, right?

Like, they used to get these scientists on TV.

"Like, at the rate the world is heating up..."

Shut up, speccy!

LAUGHTER

Get back in the lab.

As soon as they got Angelina Jolie to speak about it, I was like,

"Clean out these yoghurt pots, this is important."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

All I'm saying is, right,

like they need someone sexy, right?

They need someone sexy to be racist and then I'll believe them.

Because if you want to say you're better than me,

you'd better be beautiful.

Oh, my God, you'd better be gorgeous, right?

If David Beckham came out tomorrow as racist,

I'm joining in, right?

LAUGHTER

Honestly, if he's there on Instagram one day, like...

"Well, me and Victoria have been thinking...

LAUGHTER

"..it's time to get our country back."

I'll be there like, "Mum, pack your bags, it's time to go. Let's go."

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, my name's Kae Kurd,

enjoy the rest of your night. Have a good one, see you later.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Kae Kurd!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to bring another act on.

Are you ready?

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together,

go wild, go crazy,

for the amazing

Ms Louise Young!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Set You Free by N-Trance

Hi!

Hello, everyone!

Hello.

Oh, my God, this is crazy.

Thank you so much for having us, this is amazing.

I've done a few gigs down south this week.

Whenever I'm down south, I do have this...

I have this awareness that I have to slow this accent down.

LAUGHTER

The Geordie accent,

it's peculiar on people's ear.

And I realised this

cos I met my friend's brother a while ago, right?

My friend's German and so is his brother.

They're quite weird like that, the Germans. Strange.

And when I met him, though, I thought...

Cos I'm quite, like, a friendly, open person.

So, I thought I was being, like, you know, nice and friendly and open

when I met him.

Then when I left the situation,

my friend's brother had said, behind me back,

"Your English friend,

"she's very nice,

"but why does she speak like a pirate?"

LAUGHTER

So I know I've got to slow it down.

And like, an accent like this kind of like

betrays a working-classness,

and I'm very aware of that.

I've always been kind of acutely aware of my working-classness,

from a young age, right?

And listen, this is a nice audience, I'll be vulnerable with yous.

I've always been very aware

of my working-classness...

LOUISE CLEARS THROAT

..because...

LOUISE SIGHS

..when I was 12...

LOUISE EXHALES

..I quit smoking.

LAUGHTER

But genuinely as well, like, for all the right reasons.

Like...

LOUISE EXHALES

..for the baby.

LAUGHTER

No.

Don't... Don't applaud it.

I shouldn't... I shouldn't perpetuate stereotypes like that.

I haven't got... I haven't got any kids, right?

And I remember...

Cos, seriously, this job has saved my life, right?

I used to be really, really off the rails.

Like, really, really off the rails up until...

..about a week ago.

LAUGHTER

No, but seriously, a few years ago, I was going crazy

and, like, a big turning point in my life, right?

One of my friends, she tried to stop us from going down a dark path

and she went, "Louise..."

It was quite brutal, this, but I know why she was doing it.

She went, "Louise, it's a good job you haven't had any kids,

"because if you did,

"they'd be taken off you."

LAUGHTER

And I was like, "I know, I'm so sorry.

"I'm going to sort my life out."

"I'm so, so, so sorry. I will turn this around.

"I will." That's what I said.

But I can remember, very vividly,

at that moment, in my head, thinking,

"Oh, my God, there's a good chance that's actually happened

"and I just can't remember."

LAUGHTER

It was an intense time,

but I've calmed myself down, like, quite a bit now.

I'm a lot calmer these days, right?

I live with my girlfriend, my fiancee, now.

CHEERING

Thank you very much. Yes. What a bunch of gaylords.

LAUGHTER

Thanks. But the thing is, like, it's...

It's mad being gay. It really is, right?

I performed at a lesbian festival recently, right?

And what a rowdy bunch we are.

Like, really uncouth.

Do you know what I mean? Like... But it was a good festival.

It was really good. It was a big success as well.

St John's Ambulance ran out of finger splints.

LAUGHTER

It was... It was wonderful.

What an experience.

No, I don't live in Newcastle any more,

and I went back to see my family this summer at a family barbecue,

and my auntie, my great auntie, came up to us -

and she meant nothing by this, she's absolutely lush -

but she came up to us and she went, "Oh, hello, pet.

"Are you back, are you?

"Oh, I've missed you.

"And I've been thinking about you loads at the minute

"with the women's football being on."

LAUGHTER

Thank you.

I have to have more confidence in myself sometimes.

Like, sometimes where it counts,

I don't have confidence, right?

And I realised this -

if I'm on a date and I get into a taxi with my girlfriend,

and if I get the slightest feeling the taxi driver

is a little bit homophobic, right?

And I shouldn't do this, but I do, I'll say it to my girlfriend,

"Listen, don't hold my hand.

"Don't put your arm around us.

"Don't be affectionate.

"Just don't."

Yes, I know how that's...

Like, I know how that sounds, I know it sounds quite harsh of me,

It sounds quite weird. It sounds...

It sounds pathetic, it sounds weak of me.

But, like, I need you to understand, like, from my perspective...

LOUISE SIGHS

I feel like I almost have to kind of, like, protect...

..my Uber rating.

LAUGHTER

It's just hard being gay sometimes.

I've... Listen, I've covered the kind of Geordie thing, right?

But I'm actually... I'm technically half Turkish, half Geordie, right?

That's a bit of a weird combination.

The thing is, though, I haven't been to Turkey loads in my life, right?

So I'm technically just, like, culturally very Geordie,

but I've got a couple of Turkish behaviours

that have like hung on in the DNA, right?

I love to haggle. I love to barter for a price,

like I'm in a bazaar at all times.

I love it, but I'm shit at it, right?

Cos I'm too British, I'm too polite.

I don't get stuck in the way you're supposed to get stuck in.

And I realised this, right, on holiday with my cousin.

I bought something from a stall

and I was so excited to show her what I'd bought,

and she was stood there - I'll never forget this -

she was like, shaking her head, like, really angry at me.

And she went, "You know what's happened there, don't you?"

And I was like, "What?"

These were her words.

She went, "Underneath, they've seen your English money

"and they've taken you for a ride."

LAUGHTER

I remember feeling so, I felt mortified.

I felt so culturally stupid, so foolish,

because we're in this little place called...

It's not Abu Dhabi, and I always go to call it "Abu Dhabi".

It's Abu...

Don't say I've forgotten the name, tonight of all nights.

Guys, I'm not kidding.

LAUGHTER

Oh, God. No, don't help us.

Sorry. LOUISE CLEARS THROAT

Aberdeen.

LAUGHTER

Got yous.

I bloody got yous.

You thought the Geordie had fucked up there, didn't you?

That was great.

LAUGHTER

Whatever you are in life, right,

you're going to have stereotypes thrown at you, aren't you?

And I've realised, right, and I don't care,

but the stereotype that I often get if I say I'm Turkish, right?

And I don't care, I don't care what people say, right?

But this is often what I've got to field.

So, I'll say I'm Turkish

and someone will go,

"Ah, you've got to watch Turkish men.

"Oh, you've got to watch Turkish men.

"My cousin, she went to Turkey.

"She's got blonde hair, blue eyes.

"They wouldn't leave her alone."

LAUGHTER

Right? And whatever, it doesn't usually bother us, right?

It doesn't, but it did upset us a few months ago cos it was like...

It was round, like, a dinner table,

and I felt very trapped.

And everyone was kind of laughing and it felt horrible.

And my girlfriend was sat next to us

and my girlfriend's got blonde hair, blue eyes,

and I was quite startled

and I had to say something and I was like, "Oh, my God.

"I'm just like the rest of them. This..."

LAUGHTER

This is terrible.

I do feel as though I'm trying to sort myself out and everything.

I'm getting to that age where a lot of people around us

are having kids and stuff like that.

You might know people like this, right?

My best friend's become a mother, and...

And I'm so proud of her, she's so good at it,

she's just taken to motherhood, like, so well,

and she was a worse party girl than me,

so I'm even more proud of her, right?

And she was saying, and not everyone's going to feel like this,

but she was like,

"Louise, there's no feeling like being a parent.

"This is amazing.

"Waking up and seeing my baby, I love it.

"It's better than any drink,

"any drug,

"any line,

"any pill."

And I thought, "Oh, my God."

Even if you don't agree with that,

just think about that on a chemical level.

If that's how amazing parenting

can just naturally feel to some people...

LOUISE EXHALES

..imagine how good parenting must feel on drugs.

LAUGHTER

So I'm looking forward to that.

It'll be great.

Give me a cheer if you've been to Newcastle upon Tyne before.

CHEERING

Most of you.

Give me a cheer if you've not been.

SIMILAR CHEERING

That was the same people cheering twice there

for something to do, wasn't it?

Cos I try and... I don't...

I think Newcastle is quite a risky place to live, right,

if you are susceptible to madness, cos it's such a party city, right?

And...

So there's a TV moment that happened in Newcastle upon Tyne,

where I'm from, and it sums up the place so beautifully.

So, just let me paint this picture for you,

because it's one of my favourite TV moments of all time, right?

And so the clip is on a documentary called Booze Britain.

LAUGHTER

You know where I'm going with this, you're not stupid.

So, it's obviously a documentary about how

people in the UK drink too much -

it was on about 15 years ago -

and they're going around Newcastle for one of the episodes, right?

And they get talking on the street...

It's like a fly-on-the-wall type thing,

and they get talking on the street to this woman called Debbie, OK?

And they're like, "Debbie," are you having a good night out?

As yous can imagine, Debbie,

"I'm having a fucking wicked night out. Thank you."

She's off her tits, bless her heart, right?

And so what they do on the documentary is

they make Debbie do a breathalyser, right?

I know, it was very unethical,

it was ten years ago, 15 years ago,

before anyone cared about anyone's feelings, right?

So they make Debbie do a breathalyser,

they take a reading

and then the show the camera, right?

And on the next scene of this documentary, you see Debbie,

oh, she's dancing around on the table,

she's trying to rip her top off, she's going insane.

She's having a genuinely wonderful night out,

she's letting go, right?

But at that precise moment,

the voiceover on the documentary just goes...

CLEARING THROAT

"Debbie may be feeling in the party spirit

"but, medically, she has enough alcohol in her bloodstream

"to be in a potentially fatal coma."

LAUGHTER

Welcome to my home.

Cos screw the coma, Debbie did the Macarena.

LAUGHTER

It was wonderful.

You know a lot of it... Right, I was thinking about this -

a lot of comedians will ham up how crazy they are,

like, for comedic effect.

I don't want yous to think that I would ever do that, right?

And I've got kind of proof of how insane I used to be, right?

So I was doing a comedy club in the North East,

and Gazza, Paul Gascoigne, was in the audience.

Do we all know who Gazza is?

CHEERING

If anyone doesn't know, very, very quickly,

right, he was a Geordie footballer in the '90s,

issues with drink and drugs, really mad life,

once tried to save an assassin with a fishing rod.

LAUGHTER

That is true, right?

So, he's in the audience, right?

And I was quite a new comedian, so I'm doing, like...

I was doing a lot of jokes about going off the rails

and how mental I was.

This is how I know my life must have been objectively ridiculous.

When I got offstage,

Gazza, Paul Gascoigne,

ran up to us - this is true -

he gave us a massive big hug and he went, "Oh, Louise,

"it's like we've had the same life."

LAUGHTER

That's when you know your life's been frigging shambolic.

When Gazza is relating to you on a seriously deep level.

"It's like we've had the same life, me and you."

But he's not wrong.

I'm not taking the piss, like I say, said, you know,

when I played for England.

LAUGHTER

That was great.

No, but when he became a Turkish lesbian, that was outrageous...

LAUGHTER

..when he did that, wasn't it?

I'm going to leave you with this, this last joke,

it's a philosophical joke,

it's more for you to kind of ponder

on the way home this evening, right?

Just let this marinate in your heads.

So, this blew my mind, this.

So, statistically,

some taxi drivers will be serial killers.

So have a lovely evening and...

LAUGHTER

Right, I've been Louise Young,

you've been wonderful. Thanks for having us. Goodnight. Cheers.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, yes, yes, Ladies and gentlemen.

Louise Young!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Apollo, thank you so, so much for coming out tonight.

It's been an incredible line-up.

Make some noise for Louise Young...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..for Kae Kurd...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and I've been your host, Tom Davis.

Apollo, out!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Monster Funk by Barrie Gledden & Scott Lefanu