Original subtitles

Oh, thank you so much.

Oh, big Saturday night. Thank you so much.

Wonderful to be here.

Now, I have called the show Smashing because it's the only verb you need.

I know. Isn't that good news?

Because, you know how usually you go, "Oh, which verb should I use?"

Well, smash anything.

I've been listening to the young people.

They are smashing it all.

This guy said to me the other day, "Hey, do you want to smash a coffee?"

And I went, "Alright."

I'd usually just drink one, but sure, let's smash one.

And then he said, "Well, just give us a sec.

"I've got to smash these emails out first."

I went, "Righto, mate."

Then we go to the cafe.

There's a guy next to us who's that hungry,

do you know what he was doing? "I'm fucking smashing this burger."

"I'm smashing it.

"Oh, man, I'm so hungry. I'm smashing it."

Then there's some young women talking about how they're going to go out after work.

Do you know what they're going to do?

"Totally smash some cocktails." (LAUGHTER)

"Totes going to smash some cocktails."

Then I'm watching reality television because I'm a bit lonely

and I don't even know what they were doing.

If they were building or cooking, whatever it was,

they were smashing it.

That's all they do, isn't it?

"Smash it out. Just keep smashing it out, babes."

Yeah. If they do it really well, they smash it out of the park. Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

And I thought, "I think I'll get involved with this."

'Cause I realised it's going to make me sound far more edgy and dangerous, isn't it?

Like, usually, my life is quite middle aged, boring and pedestrian.

Not anymore. I'm smashing shit.

(LAUGHTER)

Someone says to me, what did you do yesterday?

I go, "Mate, got up, smashed a shower."

(LAUGHTER)

Came downstairs, two at a time, fucking smashed 'em.

Smashed a cup of tea, Earl Grey.

Smashed a piece of toast.

Got in my car. Smashed it. That was unfortunate.

(LAUGHTER)

Then I went to the doctor and I smashed a Pap smear out of the park.

(LAUGHTER)

Come on, there's an exception to every rule, and that's the one, OK?

So don't be doing that.

Don't be going off to the doctor and going, "Smash this."

That's not... That's fun for no one.

But tonight, I wanted the show to be a journey.

I want it to be a journey because I have been watching

reality television and I've realised everyone's on a journey but me.

That's what they do on these reality television shows now, isn't it?

They go on a journey. That's what they say anyway.

Instead of saying, "I'm on a shit TV show,"

they say, "I'm on a journey."

And they go on these journeys to overcome their fears, apparently.

Not to get famous for no reason, but to overcome their fears.

And like, if you go on The Bachelor,

obviously you try and overcome your fear of looking like a whore

on national television.

(LAUGHTER)

And that is not slut shaming, alright.

That is truth telling, there's a difference.

If you go on Married At First Sight -

and the good news is they're doing that show again.

I can't believe it. It's coming back.

It's unbel... They're going to make that show again.

So if you want to overcome your fear of marrying a fucking idiot,

get involved, sign up today. (LAUGHTER)

You could be on MAFS.

Because that's what they call it now, isn't it? MAFS. M-A-F-S.

It stands for Marrying A Fucking Simpleton.

(LAUGHTER)

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

And MasterChef is coming back.

We all thought that was going to disappear,

but no, they've promised us they'll reinvent it and bring it back

and thank God, because we need that show.

Otherwise where would people go to overcome their fear

of going to TAFE.

How many more seasons of that show do we have to watch

with contestants standing there going,

"Oh, my God, this is my dream.

"I can't believe it, I'm finally getting to cook.

"This is all I've ever wanted to do with my life is cook.

"I just can't believe it. It's my dream."

Well, why didn't you go to TAFE?

(LAUGHTER)

Like, no offense to anyone who's been to TAFE,

'cause I think TAFE's great, but it's not hard to get in.

(LAUGHTER)

You...

You don't even have to finish school and you can just go there.

Seriously, you could be on MAFS and still get into TAFE.

(LAUGHTER) That's how easy it is.

I would have liked it if they brought the show back,

but they brought it back and really reinvented it.

If they made it around a profession

that was notoriously difficult to get into.

Like, they should bring the show back and call it Master Surgeon...

..because who wouldn't want a crack at that?

Give me a scalpel. I'll audition for that.

What is, what is wrong with those contestants?

Why are they all so...

I...

I just feel like they don't seem to understand how the show works.

Do you know what I mean? Like, it's been on our screens for years

and they still don't understand how it works.

You always get one or two of them standing there,

crying their stupid, dumb eyes out.

You know, going, "Erm, yeah, it's a bit hard because I...

..had to put the icing on the cake when the cake was still warm and...

I don't know if the icing's going to stay on that cake.

And if that icing comes off, then that could be enough to send me home.

I'm just not ready to go home.

I'm just not ready for the journey to end.

It's like, "Well, mate, you've made a shit cake, get ready."

(LAUGHTER)

How do we all know that?

Pack your bags, son, you're out.

But look, the journey I want to go on tonight...

..I would like to overcome my fear of talking about sex.

So I hope some of you came with your kids tonight.

It's about to get awkward.

it's not something I'm comfortable doing.

I don't talk about sex in my real life either.

I'm actually quite conservative - my whole family is.

Like, even now, if I go over to my parents' house

and we're watching television, God help us if a sex scene comes on,

because here's how we handle it.

Like a bunch of grown-ups, we all stop breathing...

..stare straight ahead, make no eye contact whatsoever...

..and together we will it to be over.

If it's not over in about 30 seconds,

it's amazing how we all need to make a cup of tea at the same time.

I also used to watch that show Sex And The City,

and I enjoyed the show, but I didn't relate to it like other women did.

Other women were always picking which one they were of the four girls, you know.

I didn't get those women at all.

They were always doing things like going off to brunch

and having these really graphic discussions

about the sex they were having.

Like, there was that blonde one, Samantha,

and she'd always say things like this.

(IMITATES SAMANTHA) Oh, my God, he had such a fabulous dick.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, a couple of things.

OK, firstly, it's brunch, I'm eating.

Could you dial down the dick talk, Samantha?

(LAUGHTER)

But secondly, and more importantly...

Hey, I haven't seen hundreds of dicks,

but I would say I have seen enough to know that my go-to adjective...

..would never be fabulous.

(LAUGHTER)

That's no offense, fellas.

I'm just saying that if I was ever put on the spot

and I was forced to describe one,

I just think I would be more inclined to use a word like...

..tubular. (LAUGHTER)

You know, a more accurate descriptor. I'm just saying, not fabulous. But...

I think the real reason that I'm not good at talking about sex

is because I'm not good at sex.

And I know you're thinking, "Oh, come on, Kitty, you don't know that."

But I do know that because somebody told me.

(SHOCKED LAUGHTER) Yeah.

And...

..I'm probably the only person in the room, I would say, who's,

well, not the only person who's bad at sex, right?

There'd be heaps of us.

I'm not looking at you in particular, sir, I'm just saying, there'd be heaps of us.

There'd be heaps of us who are bad at it.

But I'm the only one who knows I'm bad at it

because I'm the only one who's had a review, right.

And one of my friends tried to be really positive about it

and she said, "Oh it's quite good though

"because now you know what you're doing wrong,

"so you can get better."

I said, "Yeah, 'cause that's what I want on my next review."

(LAUGHTER)

I'm going for - Kitty Flanagan, most improved.

(LAUGHTER)

With a bit of luck, in a few years I might be best on ground. Who knows?

And she has a point, right. That is a good point.

I should have been able to take that critique

and use it to my own advantage.

But the problem is what he said to me,

while it was oddly specific, right...

..was...

..it was also strangely vague.

Yeah, OK, so...

..here's what he said.

And strap in, this is where the journey starts.

That... Which is not what he said, just to...in case...

(LAUGHTER) I don't want you...

I wasn't being held down and it wasn't anything weird.

OK.

He said...

.."You move too much."

Yeah.

Now it's gone quiet.

And I'm pretty sure I know why.

I think it's 'cause you're trying to imagine it.

(LAUGHTER)

So if you could please stop imagining,

because I swear to God it's not what you're thinking.

I wasn't, you know, thrashing around. I wasn't.

I don't want you imagining some kind of, you know...

Like I'm an orca in a killing frenzy with a baby seal.

It wasn't like that, you know,

and I wasn't bobbing and weaving either,

making it difficult for him every time he came at me.

Oh, no. No. No.

No, no. Oh, too slow, too slow.

You've got to be quick, you've got to be quick.

Yeah, I'm not some sort of annoying sex version of that game whac-a-mole.

(LAUGHTER)

So I don't really know what I was doing wrong.

And my friend said to me, "Well, why didn't you ask him?"

I said, 'cause, do you know what?

When you're in the nude and you've just finished what you thought was

a pretty good job, you know?

Look, I'm not saying it was the best ever,

but I thought it was solid, you know?

And then someone turns around to you and goes... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Do you know what you don't feel like doing?

You don't go, "Oh, really? No good. OK, Well, look, I tell you what,

why don't we get up?

I'll pop the kettle on. We'll have a cup of tea.

I'll get a notepad out and we can really drill down

on where I went wrong.

Do you know what you do if someone tells you you move too much?

You're mortified and you go,

"Oh, my God, that's never going to happen again."

And the next time...

(LAUGHTER)

So that's it.

If you're going to imagine anything, let it be this.

'Cause that's all anyone's getting from now on. And you know what?

I would rather you imagine that. I would.

I certainly don't want, you know,

it's preferable to every time you're driving down the highway

and you go past a car yard and see one of these things.

(LAUGHTER)

You start thinking, "Oh, there's Kitty Flanagan

"disappointing someone again."

And it's actually quite useful information now

'cause I'm able to look back on all my old relationships and go,

"OK, we probably broke up because of that rather than my shit personality."

You know, I just... Now I know.

Like, in the past, I thought...

I broke up with this one particular guy.

I thought we broke up because we disagreed about things,

like fundamental basic things.

Like, I thought I was funny.

He didn't.

I thought his kids were annoying.

He didn't.

I thought he liked me.

He didn't.

That's not exactly true.

He did like me, he just didn't like me as much,

it turns out, as he liked the woman from work.

Yeah. And I always had my suspicions about her.

You know, they worked late a lot and she called a lot.

But they were just work pals, for sure.

Just suspicious, a little bit suspicious.

And recently I had those suspicions confirmed

when I saw their wedding photos.

Hey, but honestly, this is such a happy story.

It really is, because I would rather be sad and lonely...but right.

(LAUGHTER)

I fucking knew it.

You've gotta trust your instincts, ladies.

But the thing is, I am happy for him. You know, he's married now.

He likes being married. I know that because this is his third go at it.

(LAUGHTER) And...

Honestly, how many times are you allowed to do it?

Don't you think there should be a limit on how many times

you're allowed to stand up and do all that, oh, till death do us part business?

Like, I think by number three,

you shouldn't be allowed to do vows anymore.

By number three, they're more loose suggestions, aren't they? (LAUGHTER)

I just happened to see these photos

because I was poking around somewhere I shouldn't have been.

I know, I say poking. You say stalking on Facebook.

It's the same thing. We've all done it.

And sometimes you don't even know how you end up there, do you?

You know you're just working on your computer and you go,

"Oh, I've accidentally typed his name in."

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, dear. Oh, well.

Well, I don't want to waste the megabytes.

I may as well just...have a look.

And I couldn't see a lot

'cause he's changed most of the privacy settings

since we were out.

But I could see his status

and I could see that it had changed to married and I went, "Oh...hello."

That's got to be worth a bit of a rummage, hasn't it?

Let's have a little bit of a peepsy and see what we can see.

Could still see who all his friends were.

So I figured, well...

..I bet the new wife's a friend.

Let's see if we can find her.

Scrolled through, didn't take long. Up it came.

I see his surname, a woman's name I don't recognise as a relative.

I think that's got to be her. Click.

(CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY)

OK. Not only is it the woman from work - I fucking knew it - right...

(LAUGHTER)

But get this, she has no privacy settings.

So there are all of the wedding photos for me to enjoy,

all of them with the caption, "Third time's a charm."

"Argh".

It didn't really say that.

Not till I put it there. Now it says it.

(LAUGHTER)

And at first, I was so pleased with myself, I was like,

"Oh, my God, look at me. I'm like a detective.

"Yeah, just sleuthing stuff out." And then...

Then I went, OK, two things, first of all,

that is such a gross invasion of somebody's privacy.

But second of all, what you need to understand about me,

I am like a chimp on a computer.

I pretty much just bang away at it with two fists.

That took me two clicks to get into his business.

What I'm saying, people, is if I can find out stuff about you

on the computer, we're fucked.

We need to be so much more careful about the information

we're putting out there and letting anybody take a look at.

And what about the information you don't even realise

you're putting out there

that your computer is collecting about you or your mobile phone?

Your mobile phone is always listening to you.

I know I sound like a conspiracy nut, but this is happening.

Algorithms collect your information

and it's been happening for ages and no one seems to care.

Like, I thought it was all going to kick off

when we had that Samsung smart TV scandal.

Remember that?

They proved that those televisions were listening in to people

in their living rooms.

Now, I never worried about that

because I don't have one of those televisions.

I know for a fact my TV can't hear me.

I know that

because the number of times I've told Tracy Grimshaw to fuck off and yet...

(LAUGHTER)

There she is back again, night after night after night.

Jesus Christ, can't you hear me, Tracy?

Someone give me a Samsung. She's not listening.

But the thing is, algorithms collect your information.

Every time you go online and search for something

it makes a little note of it, collects data about you,

builds up a profile of you.

And they do it in order to target you with advertising.

That's what it's all about.

And I don't need my computer knowing how to make me buy more stuff.

Honestly, I buy enough shit online already without any help.

OK, if you need proof, the last thing I bought was some cream

that promised to besmoothen my skin.

Yeah, besmoothening cream.

Now, I will admit it was 1:00 in the morning,

I'd had a few wines,

but I still knew in the back of my mind

that besmoothening is not a word.

Didn't stop me from dragging a couple of those into the basket.

And then when I saw it was PayPal it was,

"Well, that's free. Let's have a couple more."

I'm so susceptible to advertising and suggestion.

Like, if I'm watching a TV show and someone has a glass of wine on it,

I'm like this.

"Oh... Yeah. I wouldn't mind a glass of wine.

"Oh, it's 10:00 in the morning, I probably shouldn't.

"Oh, it doesn't matter. I live by myself. Who's going to know, right?"

So I thought, what can I do?

I need to look into how you can get around the algorithms.

Now, obviously, I've already said I'm not tech savvy,

OK, so I had to look at a very manual way that you could do it.

And the suggestion is you should go online every day

and search for ten things you're not actually interested in.

And the thinking is this will confuse the algorithms.

You will appear so random because you won't be able

to be fitted into any box that it's got.

It's like this person's too random and eventually...

(BOOM!)

..you'll blow its tiny algorithm mind, right?

So I thought, well, I'll give that a go.

It's actually quite hard

because if you're not interested in something,

it doesn't tend to pop into your head.

So it took me ages to think of things that I wasn't interested in.

The first thing I came up with was tinned tuna sandwiches.

I thought, that's not interesting, type that in.

Then I just got really angry.

I got 117,000 results for tinned tuna sandwich recipes.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, I don't even like tinned tuna sandwiches,

but I could hazard a guess at how you make one...

..without consulting the internet for recipes.

Can you please tell me who is at home in the kitchen

with the bread and the tuna going...

(LAUGHTER)

I don't know. Do you reckon bread first?

I don't want to muck it up, I'm going to Google it.

OK, that's not working, that's just making me angry.

So, do you know what I thought of next?

I went, "Oh, do you know what I'm not interested in?

"Do you know what I could be less interested in?

"Rugby league."

Now, I apologise if you're a rugby league fan,

but I do not understand rugby league.

I don't understand how rugby league players still exist.

How are they not extinct?

They've been devolving in front of our very eyes...

..for a good ten to 15 years.

I can even pinpoint when the process of devolution took a sharp dive

and just started plummeting back to Neanderthal man.

It was at the point, do you remember there was that player who was busted

for taking a crap in a hotel corridor.

Now, I'll be honest with you, I was prepared to forgive him.

I thought that could have been an honest mistake.

(LAUGHTER)

Look, we know he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

I think what might have happened is he's come downstairs,

he's gone up to the lass behind the desk.

He said, "Excuse me, miss, where's the toilet."

And she said, "Just go down the hall."

And he went, "Right, OK."

(LAUGHTER)

Really?

Now, after him, quite shortly after, we had a player...

..who was caught pissing...

..in his own mouth.

OK, we're going to break that one down

because there's a lot to unpack here.

And the first thing you need to understand about this incident

is that he was doing it of his own volition.

OK, it wasn't like some sort of NRL hazing prank,

where they held him down and said,

"Drink your own piss. Drink your own..."

I'm sure they do that, too.

But in this case,

he was the one that said, "Hey, guys...

"..do you know what'd be funny?

"If I pissed in me own mouth."

And everyone went, "Mate, nothing would be funnier."

So, he was caught...

..because there was a photograph taken of him.

And do you know who took that photograph? He did.

(LAUGHTER)

I think we might have just solved the mystery of who is googling,

"How do you make a tinned tuna sandwich?

Now, since then, there have been countless incidents, right?

We've even lost track, I reckon.

There's been, you know, the guy with the dog pretending to do it.

There's been peanut butter on balls and dogs.

There have been people in cupboards watching other people having sex.

There've been countless DUIs.

There was one DUI where the guy was so drunk he got busted

because he drove to the police station and said,

"Oh, I'm driving pissed."

What I'm saying is, we're at the stage now

where we're just making chimpanzees in the zoo angry.

Honestly, if you go to Taronga Zoo,

you will just see an enclosure of furious apes,

just tapping their foot like this, going, "Are you serious?

"Sorry, they're out there.

"And we're in here.

"Open the fucking cage." (LAUGHTER)

It's fair enough.

And look... (APPLAUSE)

I don't want to blame women, right,

because women get the blame for everything,

but I think women should stop sleeping with them.

And I understand when it comes to rugby league players,

it's not always the woman's choice. But my point is this...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

My point is...

..if women stopped sleeping with them,

then eventually they won't be able to procreate.

They'll just die out.

And then I thought, no, that's mean. Some people love the game.

Be positive, be proactive, be a fixer.

I can fix it. I'm a fixer, right?

I'm going to fix rugby league. Here's what we do.

We get all of the super smart women, those really clever women,

and we get them all together and we go,

"OK, ladies, sorry...

(LAUGHTER)

"..but you lot have to go out there

"and take one from the team, for the team."

And do you know what that's called?

That's called a selective breeding program.

And I know it will take a few years,

but eventually we will breed out the fuck knuckle gene.

(LAUGHTER) We can do it.

and I keep getting all these reminders for games and merchandise

and all the latest news, and it's driving me nuts.

I thought, OK, this isn't working at all.

I've got to search for things that aren't interesting.

I'm searching for things I don't like,

whereas it should be something that's just banal and boring and benign.

And I went, I've got it, I've got it.

The history of buttons.

Now, do you know what the problem with that is?

Turns out it's fascinating. (LAUGHTER)

So not only have I wasted an hour reading about the history of buttons,

which I highly recommend.

I've also now tipped off my computer that I'm interested

in the history of buttons. It knows that about me.

It's like, "Oh, Goddammit, this isn't working at all."

And I just had to stop and go relax. It's OK.

The rise of the machines is not going to happen. I know that.

I know that humans will always be able to outthink algorithms.

And I know that because of something that happened

to my mum quite recently.

Now, I need to give you a little bit of family history here

so you understand how the family works.

OK, so in my family, there's my sister and I very close in age.

There's a big gap, there's my brother.

Obviously there's my mum, who I look a lot like.

Apparently we're spitting image, people always say.

Sometimes people say this to us, "Oh, my God, are you sisters?"

Yeah, that's a compliment for one person.

(LAUGHTER)

Do you know what it does for the other person?

It makes them go online and buy besmoothening cream

at 1.00 in the morning. (LAUGHTER)

So I look like a 76-year-old woman.

That's good news.

And then the news gets even better because apparently my personality

is just like my dad's.

So I have the personality of an 80-year-old grumpy man.

So... And it's true.

My dad and I do have the same trait.

We get really, really angry about really stupid things

that don't matter.

But the difference is my dad has a reason for it.

I was over there the other day.

Dad's watching a documentary on World War Two.

Mum and I are in the kitchen

and all we can hear coming from the living room is this monologue

as Dad fact checks and corrects the entire program

from start to finish as it goes along.

We're just listening to this...

"What? Why are they showing the Russians using a Bren gun

"at that stage of the war?

"The Russians didn't use the Bren gun, then. That's a British gun.

"It was adapted from a Czech gun.

"But the Russians certainly weren't using it at that stage.

"That's ridiculous. That's a schoolboy error.

"They should have had a schoolboy fact check this show.

"I tell you what, that's absolutely ridiculous.

"Is this a documentary? Maybe it's not a documentary.

"Maybe it's an ill-researched mini series

"'cause they shouldn't be allowed to put that there. That's fake news.

"I tell you. That's what fake news is right there,

"happening on the History Channel right in front of my face.

"Oh, hang on, I think we're OK. I think...(LAUGHS)

"I think we might be watching a comedy

"because they've just said that's a Lancaster bomber.

"That's not a Lancaster bomber, that's a Halifax bomber

"They've both got four propellers

"and that's about where the similarity ends.

"I can't believe they wouldn't know that.

"Oh, yeah, definitely a comedy, because here we go. Here we go.

"I've heard this, heard this joke before.

"60 million dead, apparently in World War two.

"60 million. It was 60,000,014.

"Do the numbers, check your stats. It's not hard, right?"

My dad knows absolutely everything

except how to change the fucking channel, apparently.

But... (LAUGHTER)

But I can't fault him because I'm a dumbed down version of him.

Right.

I caught myself watching the Discovery Channel the other day,

watching a documentary about harbour porpoises.

I know what you're thinking.

"Wow, aren't you a fun family, always watching documentaries."

But do you know what it is?

I think it's 'cause we know it's safe viewing.

Like, 'cause there won't be any sex scenes in the documentaries,

so we just stick to those channels.

But I was getting really, really angry watching this documentary.

This is what I had to listen to.

(IMITATES AMERICAN ACCENT) "Harbour porpoise sex has never been filmed before

"because it lasts for one second.

"The male charges at the female

"and tries to penetrate her at full speed."

They're the rugby league players of the sea, apparently.

(LAUGHTER)

"His aim must be true, because he has but one second

"to manoeuvre his penis, which is one third the length of his body.

That will be like...

That's tubular. (LAUGHTER)

"To manoeuvre his penis into the vaginal opening."

Now, let me tell you what was making me angry.

I wasn't disputing the facts being presented.

I wasn't even disputing the fact that she said vaginal.

But the thing is, I have no idea if those are...

Are they true statements or not? Who knows?

So that wasn't what was upsetting me.

I mean, maybe harbour porpoises have massive ones, maybe they don't.

I don't know. Maybe one harbour porpoise has a big one.

And now all the rest of the harbour porpoises are swimming around going,

"Oh, thank God they filmed Kevin for the doco."

(LAUGHTER)

"Because now we've all got the rep' of king cock of the sea. Woo!"

Who knows?

That's not why I was getting angry.

I was annoyed because they had an American doing the voiceover.

And see, I can say the words harbour porpoise.

So can you. Harbour porpoise.

For an Australian, the words harbour porpoise

could not be simpler.

But for an American, the words...

..(IMITATES AMERICAN ACCENT) harbour porpoise...

..are quite difficult.

Because of the emphasis they put on the R sound in their accent,

harbour porpoise is quite a mouth mangler.

And I've got American friends and I've asked them to have a go

to test it and they go...

(IMITATES AMERICAN ACCENT) "Harbour porpoise.

"Yeah, you're right. It's quite hard."

They all agree the only thing harder would be if the harbour porpoise

was a Mormon. (LAUGHTER)

OK, my mum discovered that somebody had been using her computer

to look at porn.

Now, we don't know for sure who it was.

We know who it wasn't.

OK, so we know it wasn't my mum.

It wasn't me.

It wasn't my sister, and it wasn't my dad.

It, it... I'm telling you, it definitely was not my dad.

My dad could not watch porn.

He would watch it like this.

"Oh, well, that's inaccurate."

(LAUGHTER)

"No one does that."

And he'd be quite right. But...

So we think...

We think it must have been the cleaner.

And we think that because when my mum asked my brother,

"Have you been using my computer to look at porn?"

He said, "No, it must have been the cleaner."

(LAUGHTER)

So we're going with that.

And I'll be honest with you, does it really seem that weird

that a 45-year-old Korean woman would be looking at porn

instead of doing the vacuuming? (LAUGHTER)

OK, but what was odd, I will grant you this.

What was odd was the website she was looking at.

Which was a website called...

..Steaming Holes.

Steaming Holes.

Now, again, let's not rush to judgement.

We don't know, maybe she was researching a holiday to Rotorua,

a couple of wrong clicks,

suddenly she finds herself at this obscene porn website.

Who knows? Benefit of the doubt.

The problem for me is I just didn't know how to feel about the existence

of this website.

I didn't know whether to be angry or sad or depressed.

And do you know what I settled on? Exhausted.

The existence of this website exhausts me.

I think we really need to draw a line

under the expectations we put on women.

Enough is enough.

It's got to stop because it's just been increasing

just bit by bit by bit.

And people think, "Oh, they'll never notice.

"We'll just keep taking it up."

Like, if you think back, OK, I reckon it all started,

maybe it was the '70s,

when somebody made the suggestion that women

should just tidy themselves up a bit down there.

Instead of walking around looking like you've got a pair of fur underpants on,

just do a bit of trimming, neaten it up,

have a little triangle.

And we all went, you know what, I don't mind a triangle.

That's a good shape, I'm in, right?

But then what happens is that becomes the norm

and then they raise the bar.

Then it becomes, "Oh, triangles are boring.

"God, you know what you need to do? Do some shapes down there."

"What about a strip? What about a heart?

"What about a star shape? Just get creative with it.

"Do some topiary, get involved."

(LAUGHTER)

Now, the bar's here, then they take it up again.

"Oh, what have you even got that stuff down there for?

"Get rid of it. Wax it off. Have a bald beaver.

"Let some air get round that thing.

"Go on, you don't need it.

"There's nothing weird about walking around

"looking like an eight-year-old child. Take it off."

(LAUGHTER)

Now we're here. Then what happens next?

"Oh, God, that's a bit plain.

"You know what you need down there? Some jewellery. Yeah."

"Oh, you want to vajazzle that thing up."

Because that's what you want, isn't it, ladies?

You want to drop your pants, have some sparkle-arkle down there.

I know that's what I want when I take my trousers off,

the Christmas fucking lights.

(LAUGHTER)

It's a health and safety issue.

I mean, if there's a blackout tonight, just...follow me home.

I will lead you out.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Like an x-rated star of Bethlehem. Look at me.

It just never ends.

They just keep raising that bar.

We're at the stage now where women and I'm including young women here,

women are getting surgery on their area.

That's what I call it. That's my area.

But it's a serious thing, they're getting cosmetic surgery.

And I will admit to you,

I have forgotten the name of the surgery,

which is why I'm up here just...

..whacking away down..

I was about to call it a flap job, and I know that's not right.

(LAUGHTER)

I know. I was going so well and didn't I just fall off

my feminist high horse with a thud, then!

What is the surgery I'm talking about that they have? You know.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Labiaplasty. Labiaplasty. Thank you.

And from a man. Thank you, sir. God almighty. (LAUGHTER)

You put me to shame. Thank you.

I beg your pardon.

Labiaplasty. God.

That'd get me kicked off Master Surgeon in a hurry, wouldn't it?

(LAUGHTER)

"What are you doing tonight, Kitty?" "I thought I'd do a flap job. No?

"Oh, Goddammit!" (LAUGHTER)

I wasn't ready for the journey to end.

People would say, "What happened to you?"

I'd go, "Oh, failed the mystery box challenge."

But, no, this is... (LAUGHTER)

Come on. This is a serious issue.

Let's get back on track, back on the horse.

This is a real thing.

Women are getting this surgery and the thing that's alarming

is they're getting it for cosmetic reasons, right.

I... I met this young woman and she was young and I said,

"Well, why on Earth would you do that?"

And she just shrugged, like it was nothing.

She went, "Pff, 'cause it doesn't look nice."

I said, "Oh, my God. If it doesn't look nice, put some pants on."

(LAUGHTER)

Also, quick question,

who's down there with their eyes open?

If anyone ever looked up at me and said,

"Oh, you're not looking good down here, Kit."

I'd say, "Shut your eyes or fuck off."

(LAUGHTER)

But now, do you see what's happening?

All of that isn't enough either.

According to this website, Steaming Holes,

now, ladies, apparently we're also expected to produce

some kind of magical sauna effect out of there.

I don't even know what that's for.

What are you supposed to do? Look at your partner and go,

"Alright, first, I'm going to do you,

"but then I'm going to do these carpets."

(LAUGHTER)

Ssst. Ssst. Ssst.

Actually, I might have a go at the grout in the bathroom

while I've got this steam up.

Ssst. Ssst. Ssst. Ssst. Ssst. Ssst.

Oh, that's come up a treat.

(LAUGHTER)

What's that? All stand on the driveway?

Yeah, why not. I've got a Karcher in my pants, let's go for it.

Pssst.

Just..

Look, I promised... I will move on.

I will. I know, I can sense, I've stayed way too long in the area,

but I just...

I just have one final question and that is this,

has anybody here ever had a steam burn?

Because, see, I have

and I'm here to tell you it is some seriously painful shit.

So what I'm saying is, if I was a man,

the last place I'd want to be waving my wang

is in a steaming fucking hole!

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

I've gotta rehydrate, I lost a lot of steam there.

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, the reason that we discovered

that the cleaner... Hm.

..was looking at this website is because algorithms are stupid.

They can't think like a human can.

OK, so if a human had been going through my mum's search history,

a human would have spotted Steaming Holes

as an anomaly like that,

because this is what my mum's search history looks like.

Sale on at David Jones.

Opening times at Myer.

23cm non-stick frying pan?

Cashmere cardigans on sale anyway.

Best ever scone recipe.

How much water do you give a maidenhair fern?

Where does Sandra Sully buy her earrings?

Steaming Holes.

Found it.

One of these things is not like the other.

An algorithm, however, went through my mum's search history,

got to Steaming Holes and decided to send my mum a message,

just a little box that popped up on a screen that said,

"Are you horny?"

(LAUGHTER)

"Are you horny?"

Let me tell you something about my mum.

She has never in her life been horny.

OK.

I'm not kidding.

Not even back in the day when she was young and hot to trot

and good to go, my mum would never have been horny.

Do you know why? Because my mum is a lady.

At best, my mum would have been a tad urgent.

(LAUGHTER)

Because that's what a lady gets, a tad urgent.

But that's the thing, isn't it, horny?

That is a word that comes straight from porn.

No one used to say that 20 years ago.

But now with porn, horny, people are saying horny.

And look, I don't mind if you watch porn, that's fine.

What I'm saying is I think we could stop making porn today

and there would still be enough for everyone forever.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm not kidding.

You could go home tonight and start watching porn

till the day you die.

You will pull your cock off before you run out of porn.

We don't need any more.

I think they could put a sign up on the internet that says,

"Fuck off, we're full for porn." I just...

And I always feel quite grateful to be this age when it comes to porn,

because by the time, for me, by the time porn became so ubiquitous

with the advent of the internet, I feel really fortunate

that I was already old enough to know the difference

between real sex and porn sex.

But I do worry about young people.

You know, like, I'm talking about teenagers and preteens

because their first exposure to sex now comes through the internet,

guaranteed. OK?

Even if you think your kids aren't seeing it, guess what?

There's a little fucker at school that's showing them.

(LAUGHTER) OK.

And if there isn't a little fucker showing your kid stuff,

your kid is that little fucker. So just be aware of that.

(LAUGHTER)

So we need to talk to them about it, and especially to the young girls.

We need to tell them that what they're seeing on the screens

is not what real people do. That is not real sex.

It's really important for Gen-X women, I reckon,

to spread the message.

Like, I want to talk to the young girls and say,

"Hey, hey, hey, listen to me. You listen to Auntie Kit.

"What you're seeing on the screens, that's not real.

Don't you believe that for a minute.

Listen, if you take one thing away from what I tell you today, let it be this -

You absolutely, categorically do not have to take it up the ass.

That's right. I've said it.

It's not normal. It's not standard practice.

And I guarantee everyone's not doing it.

Now, relax, Parramatta, that's not a moral judgement call, OK?

(LAUGHTER)

If that is what you like doing, woo!

You can stick it in your ear for all I care, right.

I do not mind what consenting adults are doing

in the privacy of their own home. I'm talking about young people.

Never had any kind of sexual experience before.

Do you know where you don't start? I'll tell you - up the bum.

Yeah, that right there, not a starting area.

Now, do you see what's happened?

You've all got very tense.

(LAUGHTER)

In fact, I would go so far as to say you have all grown an inch

as you've clinched and risen up as one.

And this is proving my point.

You see, we need to talk about it instead of just getting uncomfortable

and going, "Oh, just let them work it out for themselves."

No, no, we've got to tell them. And, men, don't get uncomfortable.

This isn't going to be, I'm not going to do any man bashing.

I know it's hard for you now since women started talking, but...

(LAUGHTER)

Let me do the opposite for you.

Let me, in fact, pay tribute to men of my own generation, OK?

Because I think Gen X men are always very respectful

about that particular practice.

The only thing you'll ever get from a Gen X man

is a bit of what I call 'accidental bummery'.

(LAUGHTER)

OK.

There's a few people looking blank. (LAUGHTER)

And here's the thing, I think you probably do know

what I'm talking about.

You just didn't realise there's a term for it now.

So I'm going to explain to you what accidental bummery is

and then you'll go, "Oh, that, yes. I know what that is."

OK, so, it's when you're in the moment

with your gentleman caller, shall we say.

You're both a tad urgent. I'll tell you that much.

And you've been working towards the critical moment, you know,

and it's all about to happen and it's getting closer and closer.

And then, "Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh. Up, up, up, up a bit, up a bit. Yeah."

(LAUGHTER)

No, no, no, no, no, that's not it.

Just a little higher, sir, if you would.

Yeah, there's... OK, OK, there's two there.

It's the one on the top.

(LAUGHTER) Yeah, there we go and we're away.

And...

What I... What I love about the Gen X men

is you'll never get a protest.

You just get a quick, "Oh, beg your pardon and then they carry on,

like they've no idea how they'd ever got down there.

What was that doing? Carry on. Carry on, carry on.

So hats off to the Gen X men, is what I'm saying.

And do you know what I want?

I just want young, young girls never to be pressured by anything,

not to be pressured by what they're seeing on the screens.

Not to be pressured by that thing of, "Come on, everyone's doing it."

Because that's what they're being told - everyone's doing it.

And if they're ever put in that position and they're told,

"Come on, everyone's doing it."

They need to go, "Hey, hey, hey, whoa, stop.

"Do you know what, I hear what you're saying, everyone's doing it.

"But do you know what? I just really want to talk to someone

"who's actually done it before.

"So I'll tell you what, mate, why don't you bend over?

(LAUGHTER)

"I'm going to grab a cucumber.

"I'm going to shove it up your ass,

"and when you tell me how good it feels,

"then we're having a crack at it."

(LAUGHTER)

That's equal opportunity.

That's everyone getting involved.

(APPLAUSE)

that get weird about sex.

Like, I do watch a lot of the Discovery Channel and Animal Planet.

And I have never once been watching a documentary about the lions

on the savanna, I've been watching a couple of lions going at it.

Suddenly, the man lion stops and goes,

"Oh, hang on a second, I've had an idea."

(LAUGHTER)

"I'm going to break this branch off the tree

"and how about I whip you while I'm doing you.

"I'm going to whip you while I'm doing you.

"Do you like it, lady lion?

"I'm whipping ya. I'm whipping ya. I'm whipping ya.

"Call me Daddy. Roar!" (LAUGHTER)

"Whipping, whipping, whipping."

That's...

That's not nature.

You've never seen a pair of hippos rolling around in the mud,

suddenly one of them grabs the other one's foot

and starts going argh...!

"Just let me do it, I'm in to feet. I'm into feet."

It's not a thing, you know.

There's no giraffe out there lashing another giraffe to a tree

and then popping a blindfold on it and going,

"It's alright, if it gets too much use your safe word.

"Use your safe word."

Giraffe spread eagled like this going, "Microwave! Microwave!"

(LAUGHTER)

It's not a thing.

It's only humans.

And I can't tell you the words that strike fear in my heart

more than any other in a relationship

and tell me that relationship is about to be over,

is when someone says to me,

"Hey, maybe it's time to spice things up in the bedroom."

Oh, no, thank you.

(LAUGHTER)

No spice, just plain.

Maybe salt and vinegar on your birthday, but just plain.

Spicing things up in the bedroom always seems to involve

putting something on you, doesn't it?

You know, something you could live without,

like, I don't know, rubber or leather or food

or...the fucking neighbour. Just...

(LAUGHTER)

Stuff you don't need.

And I just don't understand it.

Like, I especially don't understand people wanting to put food on you.

I could never get into that.

Like, I couldn't switch off my own head.

The only thing I would be thinking about if someone brought food into the bedroom

is the clean up that's going to have to happen afterwards.

You know, I'd be lying there trying to get into it going,

"Oh, oh, that's gone on the sheets.

"That's going to soak through the mattress

"There's going to be a big greasy stain.

"Hey, do you know what? Why don't we do it in the bathroom? Let's do it in the bathroom.

"No, no, no. It's really good on the tiles.

"Oh, yeah. I love a hard surface. Yeah, that's turning me on.

"Let's do it on the tiles. Come on. It's fine. It's clean.

"I steamed it this morning. Let's go.

"Come on, let's get into it." (LAUGHTER)

And I don't understand the types of food

people want to put on you either. It makes no sense.

People always want... It's always the same stuff, like honey.

OK, if I make a crumpet in the morning,

invariably I'll get just a bit of honey on one of my fingers,

I swear to God that is sticky till about midday.

I'm there going, "Oh...

"I'm still sticking to...

"Oh, I can't get that..."

And you want to put that shit all over me.

I do not have the time. I'm busy, right.

And as for cream, why is it cream? Why?

I mean, I like cream, but I like just a bit on the side

as an accompaniment to something else, like cake, right.

But in the bedroom, it's always got to be lashings of cream, hasn't it?

No one ever comes in and puts a nice, neat MasterChef quenelle

on your bellybutton. (LAUGHTER)

It's always lashings of cream, and let me tell you,

that is going to get un-fun so quickly.

Someone coming in with a can of cream going,

"Oh, look out, here I come."

Bbbbbbsh!

Bbbsh! Bbbsh!

Bbbsh! Bbbsh! Bbbsh!

(LAUGHTER)

Get ready!

Arrh-arrh-arrh-arrh-arrh.

Arrh-arrh-arrh-arrh.

Arrh...

(LAUGHTER)

Ugh.

I'm just going to get... I'm just going to get a drink.

Just don't get any on the sheets because I'll be back in a minute.

And as for chocolate...

..am I the only person who can see instantly

how un-sexy chocolate is in the bedroom?

Here's the two words you need to remember.

'Brown'.

And 'smeary'.

Nothing says sexy times like brown and smeary.

I will confess to you that someone has tried to bring chocolate

into the bedroom with me, but they didn't get very far.

And mostly it was because the only thing they had in their cupboard

was ice magic. (LAUGHTER)

Yeah.

He's in the doorway like this going, "Ohhh."

I just went, "Sorry, mate, what's your plan?"

(LAUGHTER)

"What are you going to do with that?

"Are you going to put it on me, wait for it to harden

"and grab two spoons and crack me on the nips? I don't think so.

"Out."

I just think my main problem with fantasy stuff is I can't...

I really can't switch off my own mind and my thinking.

Like, even if I was to just do dress ups, I couldn't do it.

You know, if I came in as a sexy nurse, I'd be like,

"Oh, I don't quite understand why the nurse is sexy."

You know, it's like, "Oh, yeah, I'm a sexy nurse.

"And I've come to...take the blood pressure in your penis."

(LAUGHTER)

I don't...

It's the same with the French maid. You know, why is it...?

(IMITATES FRENCH ACCENT) "Oh, I'm a French maid.

"And sexy 'cause erm...

"I'm going to...

"..dust your bumhole." (LAUGHTER)

Do you know what I mean? Like, I can't make the leap

from these professions to sexy. I just...

I really hope there are some people here tonight that do dress ups,

'cause I feel like I will really have ruined it for you.

Do you know, the only fantasy thing I like is the really simple one,

I like that celebrity free pass thing.

That's a fun fantasy and it's really easy. Anyone can do it.

You know, the celebrity free pass thing where you,

you nominate a celebrity that you fancy

and would like to have sex with.

And then in a magical world, if you ever meet that celebrity

and then in an even more fucking magical world,

if that celebrity happens to turn to you and go,

"(GASPS) Well, well, well."

(LAUGHTER)

"Hello, plain, lumpy person."

(LAUGHTER)

"I don't suppose you fancy having some sex

"with a hot celebrity like me?

And if you've nominated that person as your celebrity free pass,

you're totally allowed to have sex with them

and it doesn't count as cheating on your partner.

Right?

Now, sure, it's never happened in the history of ever,

but it could happen.

So please nominate before you leave this building tonight.

Now, my celebrity free pass is Matt Damon.

No, don't you judge me.

There's no romances in celebrity free pass.

But I think you can see how much more elaborate

my celebrity free pass fantasy is than anyone else's,

because I don't need a celebrity free pass

because I don't have a partner that I would be cheating on.

So apparently in my fantasy,

I've also conjured up a husband for myself.

I'm going to meet Matt Damon at the party,

get my celebrity free pass,

run off and give it to my imaginary husband

and then come back and have sex with Matt Damon.

Now, I will tell you this, the sex with Matt Damon goes really well.

I have thought it through and it starts beautifully

because we're at dinner. You know, we go to dinner first.

We're not animals. And he's laughing at all my jokes.

He's even saying, "Oh, my God, I can't believe that other guy

"you went out with didn't find you funny."

Anyway, that doesn't matter. You don't need to know that.

That's just for me. That's not important. OK.

Let's cut to the sex bit, that's the good bit.

Now, the sex goes really well because

I take my clothes off like I'm in a movie.

You know where you just undo a couple of buttons

and then your clothes drop to the floor,

they pool around your ankles,

and then you step out of those clothes

like you're some kind of crazy, naked, sexy pony.

(LAUGHTER)

That's how it's done in the movies.

Not like in real life, you know where you stand there going,

"Oh, yeah, no, I'm coming, just let me do the buttons.

"No, I am into it. I just want to...

"Just please let me take it off. If you rip it off...

"Yes, I know it's fun,

"but then I've got to sow them back on in ten minutes, so just let me...

"Less haste, more speed, you know.

"You take your pants off and by the time you're finished, I'll be over.

"Take your shoes off first, otherwise you're going to be...

"Er, you're going to be ages. OK.

And look, do you know what?

If this had happened with Matt, it wouldn't have mattered

'cause do you know what I would have done?

I'd have regaled him with the history of buttons

and then he would have just loved me even more.

But I didn't need to 'cause I just undid a couple,

they dropped to the floor...and I stepped out.

And this is where there was just the tiniest glitch in the fantasy.

Because you see I'm at that age now where I look fine

in a firm exoskeleton of clothing.

But when I remove this firm exoskeleton,

I'm a little bit like a cake that hasn't been quite cooked properly.

(LAUGHTER)

You know when you take a cake out of the oven and you turn it out,

you take the tin off and you go, "Ohh!"

And then...flumph.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, that's me, little Miss Flumphy.

And there was just a flicker of disappointment in Matt's eyes.

But, no, I swear to God it was there for, I would say,

half of a split second

because he is that good of an actor he covered like that.

He's amazing. That's why I love him so much, right.

But I knew he'd seen because he asked if we could turn the lights out

and I didn't even care.

You know, he's, he's Matt Damon in the light or the dark,

it doesn't matter. And we did it and it was just fantastic.

You know, at one point he even lent down and he said,

"Oh, my God, I love how much you're moving."

And I said, "Thanks, Matt!" (LAUGHTER)

And at the end, he was a real gentleman.

And he turned to me and he said, "How was that for you?"

And I said, "Oh, mate, you smashed it."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Out of the park.

with Matt Damon. I'm not going to date anymore.

I can't date because no one meets in real life anymore.

And I don't know how else...

Like, everyone just meets online now or apps. And I don't agree with that.

I think online dating is fundamentally flawed.

This idea that you go through and tick boxes of things you like,

and then if someone else ticks the same boxes as you,

snap, you're a match.

Really? Really?

Let's test that theory. I like coffee, I like red wine.

I like movies.

Fuck me, who doesn't?

How exactly did we just narrow the field

and find me my perfect match?

Do you know what? You may as well walk out into a crowd,

chuck a rock, see who it hits.

That's as scientific as internet dating gets.

And I wish they would admit it.

"Oh, we've got algorithms and formulas."

No, you don't. It's rock chucking, right.

If they want to make it work, they should reverse it.

You should have to write down all the things you don't like

because if you can find someone who hates the same things as you,

you're on a much better starting point.

And, more importantly, you're on a much more interesting first date.

OK, here's the date I don't want to be on.

Sitting there with someone going,

"Oh, gosh.

"Yeah, are you enjoying the wine?

"It's great that we both like the same things, like wine.

"It's quite delicious, isn't it? That's one of my favourites.

"That's a... That's a red, I think, isn't it?"

(LAUGHTER)

Here's the date I want to be on.

Where I turn up and I say to the guy,

"Oh, do you know what happened to me today?

"I was on a flight, short flight, Melbourne to Sydney,

"hour, hour and a half.

"The person sitting in front of me put their seat back...

"..on a short flight.

"The person in front of me reclined."

Do you know what you do on a short flight?

You sit the fuck up. (LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

Nobody needs to recline on a short flight.

If you need to sleep on a short flight,

do it like the rest of us, sitting up like this.

(LAUGHTER)

And instead of that guy doing what he would usually do on a date

with me, going, "Wow, you're a bit scary, I have to go."

I want that guy to go, "Yeah, that is annoying.

"Do you know what else is annoying on a plane?"

I'd go, "Mate, you tell me 'cause I'm here to listen." Right.

He'll say, "What about when the person has a kid

"and they don't put headphones on but they let it play on the iPad."

And so you have to listen to this.

De, de, de-de-de-de.

De, de, de-de-de-de.

De, de, de-de-de-de.

De, de, de-de-de-de.

De, de, wop-poo-wop.

De, de, de-de-de-de.

De, de, de-de-de-de.

"De, de..."

So you lean forward and you go, "Excuse me,

"I was wondering if you could put some headphones on your kid

'cause actually everyone can hear the de, de, de-de-de-de.

De, de, de-de-de-de. And it's getting a little bit...

They go, "Oh, look, we would you know, but he's quite young,

"so his ears are still developing.

"So we don't want to put anything on there

"'cause it might damage his ears."

"You're damaging my fucking ears. Put some headphones on."

(LAUGHTER)

This guy and I are getting on like a house on fire.

And then the day gets even better when across this side of the cafe,

someone over here drags their chair across the floor

and we both turn around at the same time and go,

"Lift your fucking chair."

(LAUGHTER) It's not that hard.

So that's what I'm going to do,

I'm going to invent reverse internet dating, right?

I don't know what I'm going to call it, but you're all welcome to join.

Maybe I could call it Hater Daters or something,

but it's going to be great.

You have to answer questions like this...

What are your trigger words?

That's what you have to list, your trigger words.

Everyone's got a word that sets their teeth on edge

or in my case, 42 words.

But everyone's got some word that will just trigger them and go

"Oh, God, I can't hear that word."

So it's best to eliminate anyone that uses that word.

Don't waste time with them, right?

For example, I can't go out with anyone who uses the word feed

as a noun.

I don't want to go out with anyone who says,

"Hey, do you want to go for a feed?"

(LAUGHTER)

No. No, I don't.

Not now, not ever.

The word feed should never have 'a' in front of it.

Now, a friend of mine can't stand the word moist.

Yeah, she hates that word.

So she needs to eliminate anyone that uses it right up front.

Otherwise, she could waste five or six dates with a guy.

She's going, "Oh, my God, this guy's amazing.

"I think he's the one. I really love him, you know?"

And then they go out for coffee and cake and he goes,

"Oh, this cake's moist."

And she goes bleugh! (LAUGHTER)

Well, I'm not anymore, so see you later, alright?

(LAUGHTER)

Now, the other thing I'm going to put on my reverse internet dating website...

..trigger places, OK?

I want you to tell me where you don't want to go.

Don't tell me where you do want to go.

That tells me nothing about you.

All those people that write things like,

"Oh, I enjoy good restaurants and fine dining."

"Oh, do you? 'Cause most of us eat slop from a bucket."

Fucking who doesn't like nice food? What does that tell us?

"Oh, wow, you fancy."

Tell me what you don't like. That reveals more about you, right.

So my number one trigger place,

the place I don't want to go and I'll explain it for you.

I don't want to go to Cirque du Soleil.

OK, now it's nothing to do with the performers.

I think the performers are amazing.

They're next level, topnotch.

You'll never see skills like that anywhere else.

What I don't like about Cirque du Soleil

is the philosophy behind it.

Because I think circus should be a fun day out for the whole family.

It's colour and movement.

Maybe there's a monkey on a tricycle.

# Re, de, de-de-de, de, re, la-la Re, de, de-de-de, de, re, la-la

But basically you just kick back

and let the whole scene wash over you, right.

What I'm saying is

you shouldn't need a university degree

to understand what the fuck is going on at a circus.

(LAUGHTER)

And yet here is how every Cirque du Soleil show

I've ever seen starts.

Smoke fills the tent and Innocent appears.

It's a child with a kite, such joy.

But wait, danger reproaches

in the form of a man in a pointy hat.

He walks with stiff legs and he steals the child's kite.

Or does he just steal our expectations.

Ha-ha.

For lo, the kite has become a butterfly.

The child is happy once more, for he knows not

that the magical creature will be dead in seven days.

Magic, death, pointy hats.

Welcome to Cirque du Soleil.

(APPLAUSE)

Five minutes into the circus and you're feeling like a fuckwit.

That's not a good feeling.

You're feeling dumber than a MAFS contestant at this stage.

And you think maybe it'll get easier when the acts start,

but it doesn't because they have these complicated narratives

that they have to layer over everything.

Like there was one act that I would usually really like.

You know the chair stacking guy?

You know, not the...

not the guy who comes to put the chairs away at the end of the night.

(LAUGHTER)

I loved him. He couldn't come out soon enough.

No, but, you know this guy, he's an acrobat

and he builds this amazing tower of chairs,

just this precarious tower that he climbs up

and he just keeps building it like that.

You think, well, I can understand that.

No, not at Cirque du Soleil, 'cause you know what's going on behind him?

There's a 30-piece live band.

And out the front of that band is a woman in flowing robes.

And she doesn't sing words.

She sings inspirational sounds.

So he starts stacking his chairs, one on top of the other

and she starts giving it.

# Oh

# He-bol-nah

# Wangle-who

# Fang-tang-nargh. #

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

You're watching.

Sitting there next to your friend going,

"what's a flang-tang? (LAUGHTER)

I don't know. Should we ask someone? Is it important? Do we need to know?

Meanwhile, he just keeps stacking those flang-tangs.

Four, five...

She's still giving it.

# Oh, scarey-bo

# Ski-blee-dee

# Jangly-whoo. #

Now you're thinking, is she drunk?

Does she not know the words?

Maybe she shouldn't even be out there.

Has she just wandered on from the audience? I don't know.

Perhaps we should tell an usher. This is getting weird.

He just keeps stacking eight chairs, nine chairs.

She's still going.

# Oh

# Oh-no-noo

# Rum-ba-gee. #

Now there's 11 chairs.

He does a handstand on top of them.

Woo!

And you're amazed but you're confused.

You're also sweating, you don't know what's going on.

It's taken 20 minutes and then you realise,

"Jesus Christ, it's not over."

(LAUGHTER)

"We've got to bring that fucker down."

And this is Cirque du Soleil,

so there's not going to be a comedy ending.

No one's going to run out there and go,

# Re, de, de-de-de, de, re, la-la Re, de, de-de-de, de, re, la-la. #

And kick the chairs out from under him.

That's not going to happen.

We're going to bring him down the same way we took him up

with the Wailing Wall giving it...

# Ohh

# Weeble-diss

# Wangle-oo

# Scibble-gee

# Scooby

# Doo... #

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Much too much.

It's more exhausting to watch Cirque du Soleil

than perform in Cirque du Soleil.

Because every single act has that level of intensity.

And the other thing is there are no nets.

So you constantly worry that someone could die or get injured.

Why can't they just have a net?

No one ever walks into the circus, sees a net and goes,

"Ohh! Take the nets down you fucking scams."

Who does that?

Let them have a net.

Everybody has a bad day at work.

If you have a bad day at Cirque, I want to see you bounce.

That's what I want to see.

It's just too much, right.

It's too much to take one act after the other like that

with that sort of intensity.

And Cirque du Soleil know that.

So what they do to try and give you a break

in between all those acts,

between that tension, they send out the clowns.

In between every single act, out come the clowns,

just to lighten the mood a bit, right.

And I don't want to be one of those cliched people that goes,

"Oh, fuck, I hate clowns." But, fuck, I hate clowns, right.

(LAUGHTER)

And there was one beautiful moment at Cirque du Soleil,

and it was the fourth time the clowns came out

because that was the moment when 2,000 people all realised

at the same time that the clowns were going to come out

after every single act.

And at that precise moment, 2,000 people in a tent went...

(SIGHS DESPONDENTLY)

And that is a tiny noise when I do it.

But when 2,000 people do that, it's magical.

And I want to just let you see what,

what this many people would sound like.

Just give me a small one.

Ohhh.

It warms my heart,

because that was the moment when I realised I wasn't alone.

I just went, "Oh, my God, nobody likes the clowns."

Nobody. The person next to me went like this.

"Oh, not these cunts again."

(LAUGHTER)

And he was seven, so...

(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER) ..that's how I know.

(APPLAUSE)

and I'm doing it so that you hear it from me.

I don't want to be outed as a hypocrite,

which is what can happen.

We are on a journey and so I want to take you with me.

I said earlier, I know,

I said, "Oh, boo porn, we should stop making it.

"Yeah, pull your cock off and you won't run out," or something.

I do a wonderful impression of myself.

And I want to admit to you now

before you find out through some other source

that I have actually made a porno.

I have. I've made a porn. Yes.

Now, please don't panic. I wasn't in it.

Don't go looking for some film called Flumph.

(LAUGHTER) It's not out there.

But I came up with the idea and I directed it

and my thinking was, I want there to be porn that women can watch

without feeling threatened, without it being aggressive towards them.

So here's what happened. (AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS)

Yes, thank you.

I, I met this man and he had a sizeable area.

I mean, look, he was no harbour porpoise,

but, you know, there was plenty there.

(LAUGHTER)

But that wasn't, that wasn't what was amazing about him.

What was incredible was that he could do this trick, OK?

And I saw him do it and I went, "Oh, my God, could I film that?"

And 'cause he's a man, he went, "Yeah."

(LAUGHTER)

So we were up in my bedroom, I'd done all the washing that day,

I'd taken the sheets off, I'd washed them,

but I hadn't put them back on the bed yet.

He walked over to my bed.

He picked up the doona, and then he picked up the doona cover

and he held the two things.

He had these really long arms

and he had the two things out together like this. And he went...

And I swear to God that doona went into the cover

like a harbour porpoise into a vaginal opening!

(LAUGHTER)

I'm not kidding. It took about one second.

And I don't mind telling you, I pretty much came in my pants.

(LAUGHTER)

Because you do not know how many hours of my life I've lost

trying to get the doona back into the frickin doona cover.

I've been on all fours inside the doona cover.

I think it'll just be quicker to just walk each corner...

..up into the corner.

Only to get there and go...

..I think it's 90 degrees the wrong way round.

I've got to rotate it. I've got to rotate it.

Now it's bunching.

This guy, he could do it in a second.

Not only that, the minute he was finished, good to go again.

Didn't need any recovery or down time.

Just walks into my spare room.

Boom. Does that one as well.

And I went, "Oh, my God.

"THAT is what women want to watch when they Google porn.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

That will get you hotter than anything you've ever seen, ladies.

Thank you so much for coming on the journey with me.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I'll be honest with you...

Thank you.

I feel strangely cleansed.

I feel like I've gone on a journey, I've overcome my fear

and I've left all of you feeling a little grubbier.

(LAUGHTER)

And I do apologise for that 'cause I feel great.

You're a little soiled now with all that dirty sex talk.

So what I want to do to finish up tonight,

I want to, I want to raise the tone

and I want to stop talking about sex

and what I would like to do for all you beautiful people

who came tonight, I would like to sing you a love song.

And to do that, I need to introduce my band to the stage.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome

Mr Joel Salom on percussion.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

And put your hands together for my very talented musical sister,

Miss Penny Flanagan.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Oh, thank you so much for coming on the journey.

And now, for all of you people here tonight, a love song.

# I remember that night, everything felt so right

# I thought you would be my beau

# As we lay as one I got my sexy on

# And I whispered, how was that for you?

# He said, you move too much

(LAUGHTER)

# Oh, you move too much

# Oh, you move too much

# When you're in my bed

# Move too much

# Oh, you move too much

# Oh, you move too much

# It's messing with my head

# Learned my lesson and when we went again

# I lay as still as a statue

(LAUGHTER)

# As we lay in bed I didn't move my head when I

# Whispered how was that for you?

# He said, could you move some more?

# Why don't you move at all?

# You need to move some more

# When you're in my bed

# Move some more

# Why don't you move at all?

# You need to move some more

# I thought you were dead

(LAUGHTER)

Dance break.

(LAUGHTER)

# Let me tell you something else

# You weren't that great yourself

# It wasn't that much fun

# With you banging round down there

# Acting like you weren't aware

# That the back hole is my bum

# I move too much

# Oh, I move too much

# Oh, I move too much

# But I don't care

# I move too much

I'm like a monkey on crack!

# I move too much

# Oh, I move too much

# Legs in the air

# I move too much

# Oh, I move too much

# Oh, I move too much

# Check the pubic hair

# Wave it in the wind like it's the '70s

(LAUGHTER)

# Oh, I move too much

# I thrash around too much

# But I don't care. #

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my band -

Joel Salom and Penny Flanagan.

I call them The Triggers.

Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you so much for having me here this evening.

It's been an absolute pleasure. I really appreciate you coming out.

It's been such good fun. Thank you. Goodnight!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Captions by Red Bee Media