All language subtitles for Kitty.Flanagan.Smashing.2020.1080p.HDTV.H264-CBFM_track3_[eng]

Oh, thank you so much.

Oh, big Saturday night.
Thank you so much.

Wonderful to be here.

Now, I have called the show Smashing
because it's the only verb you need.

I know. Isn't that good news?

Because, you know how usually you go,
"Oh, which verb should I use?"

Well, smash anything.

I've been listening to
the young people.

They are smashing it all.

This guy said to me the other day,
"Hey, do you want to smash a coffee?"

And I went, "Alright."

I'd usually just drink one,
but sure, let's smash one.

And then he said,
"Well, just give us a sec.

"I've got to smash these emails
out first."

I went, "Righto, mate."

Then we go to the cafe.

There's a guy next to us
who's that hungry,

do you know what he was doing?
"I'm fucking smashing this burger."

"I'm smashing it.

"Oh, man, I'm so hungry.
I'm smashing it."

Then there's some young women talking
about how they're going to go out
after work.

Do you know what they're going to do?

"Totally smash some cocktails."
(LAUGHTER)

"Totes going to smash
some cocktails."

Then I'm watching reality television
because I'm a bit lonely

and I don't even know what
they were doing.

If they were building or cooking,
whatever it was,

they were smashing it.

That's all they do, isn't it?

"Smash it out.
Just keep smashing it out, babes."

Yeah. If they do it really well,
they smash it out of the park. Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

And I thought, "I think I'll get
involved with this."

'Cause I realised it's going to make
me sound far more edgy and dangerous,
isn't it?

Like, usually, my life is quite
middle aged, boring and pedestrian.

Not anymore. I'm smashing shit.

(LAUGHTER)

Someone says to me,
what did you do yesterday?

I go, "Mate, got up,
smashed a shower."

(LAUGHTER)

Came downstairs, two at a time,
fucking smashed 'em.

Smashed a cup of tea, Earl Grey.

Smashed a piece of toast.

Got in my car. Smashed it.
That was unfortunate.

(LAUGHTER)

Then I went to the doctor and I
smashed a Pap smear out of the park.

(LAUGHTER)

Come on, there's an exception to
every rule, and that's the one, OK?

So don't be doing that.

Don't be going off to the doctor
and going, "Smash this."

That's not... That's fun for no one.

But tonight, I wanted the show
to be a journey.

I want it to be a journey
because I have been watching

reality television and I've realised
everyone's on a journey but me.

That's what they do on these reality
television shows now, isn't it?

They go on a journey.
That's what they say anyway.

Instead of saying,
"I'm on a shit TV show,"

they say, "I'm on a journey."

And they go on these journeys
to overcome their fears, apparently.

Not to get famous for no reason,
but to overcome their fears.

And like, if you go on The Bachelor,

obviously you try and overcome
your fear of looking like a whore

on national television.

(LAUGHTER)

And that is not slut shaming,
alright.

That is truth telling,
there's a difference.

If you go on Married At First Sight -

and the good news is
they're doing that show again.

I can't believe it. It's coming back.

It's unbel... They're going to make
that show again.

So if you want to overcome your fear
of marrying a fucking idiot,

get involved, sign up today.
(LAUGHTER)

You could be on MAFS.

Because that's what they call it now,
isn't it? MAFS. M-A-F-S.

It stands for
Marrying A Fucking Simpleton.

(LAUGHTER)

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

And MasterChef is coming back.

We all thought that was going
to disappear,

but no, they've promised us
they'll reinvent it and bring it back

and thank God,
because we need that show.

Otherwise where would people go
to overcome their fear

of going to TAFE.

How many more seasons of that show
do we have to watch

with contestants standing there
going,

"Oh, my God, this is my dream.

"I can't believe it,
I'm finally getting to cook.

"This is all I've ever wanted to do
with my life is cook.

"I just can't believe it.
It's my dream."

Well, why didn't you go to TAFE?

(LAUGHTER)

Like, no offense to anyone
who's been to TAFE,

'cause I think TAFE's great,
but it's not hard to get in.

(LAUGHTER)

You...

You don't even have to finish school
and you can just go there.

Seriously, you could be on MAFS
and still get into TAFE.

(LAUGHTER)
That's how easy it is.

I would have liked it if they brought
the show back,

but they brought it back
and really reinvented it.

If they made it around a profession

that was notoriously difficult
to get into.

Like, they should bring the show back
and call it Master Surgeon...

..because who wouldn't want a crack
at that?

Give me a scalpel.
I'll audition for that.

What is, what is wrong
with those contestants?

Why are they all so...

I...

I just feel like they don't seem
to understand how the show works.

Do you know what I mean? Like,
it's been on our screens for years

and they still don't understand
how it works.

You always get one or two of them
standing there,

crying their stupid, dumb eyes out.

You know, going, "Erm, yeah,
it's a bit hard because I...

..had to put the icing on the cake
when the cake was still warm and...

I don't know if the icing's going
to stay on that cake.

And if that icing comes off, then
that could be enough to send me home.

I'm just not ready to go home.

I'm just not ready
for the journey to end.

It's like, "Well, mate,
you've made a shit cake, get ready."

(LAUGHTER)

How do we all know that?

Pack your bags, son, you're out.

But look, the journey
I want to go on tonight...

..I would like to overcome my fear
of talking about sex.

So I hope some of you came
with your kids tonight.

It's about to get awkward.

it's not something
I'm comfortable doing.

I don't talk about sex
in my real life either.

I'm actually quite conservative -
my whole family is.

Like, even now, if I go over
to my parents' house

and we're watching television,
God help us if a sex scene comes on,

because here's how we handle it.

Like a bunch of grown-ups,
we all stop breathing...

..stare straight ahead,
make no eye contact whatsoever...

..and together we will it to be over.

If it's not over in about 30 seconds,

it's amazing how we all need to make
a cup of tea at the same time.

I also used to watch that show
Sex And The City,

and I enjoyed the show, but I didn't
relate to it like other women did.

Other women were always picking which
one they were of the four girls,
you know.

I didn't get those women at all.

They were always doing things like
going off to brunch

and having these really graphic
discussions

about the sex they were having.

Like, there was that blonde one,
Samantha,

and she'd always say things
like this.

(IMITATES SAMANTHA) Oh, my God,
he had such a fabulous dick.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, a couple of things.

OK, firstly, it's brunch, I'm eating.

Could you dial down the dick talk,
Samantha?

(LAUGHTER)

But secondly, and more importantly...

Hey, I haven't seen hundreds of
dicks,

but I would say I have seen enough
to know that my go-to adjective...

..would never be fabulous.

(LAUGHTER)

That's no offense, fellas.

I'm just saying that if I was ever
put on the spot

and I was forced to describe one,

I just think I would be more inclined
to use a word like...

..tubular.
(LAUGHTER)

You know, a more accurate descriptor.
I'm just saying, not fabulous. But...

I think the real reason that
I'm not good at talking about sex

is because I'm not good at sex.

And I know you're thinking, "Oh,
come on, Kitty, you don't know that."

But I do know that
because somebody told me.

(SHOCKED LAUGHTER)
Yeah.

And...

..I'm probably the only person
in the room, I would say, who's,

well, not the only person
who's bad at sex, right?

There'd be heaps of us.

I'm not looking at you in particular,
sir, I'm just saying,
there'd be heaps of us.

There'd be heaps of us
who are bad at it.

But I'm the only one who knows
I'm bad at it

because I'm the only one
who's had a review, right.

And one of my friends
tried to be really positive about it

and she said, "Oh it's quite good
though

"because now you know
what you're doing wrong,

"so you can get better."

I said, "Yeah, 'cause that's what
I want on my next review."

(LAUGHTER)

I'm going for -
Kitty Flanagan, most improved.

(LAUGHTER)

With a bit of luck, in a few years
I might be best on ground. Who knows?

And she has a point, right.
That is a good point.

I should have been able to take
that critique

and use it to my own advantage.

But the problem is what he said
to me,

while it was oddly specific, right...

..was...

..it was also strangely vague.

Yeah, OK, so...

..here's what he said.

And strap in,
this is where the journey starts.

That... Which is not what he said,
just to...in case...

(LAUGHTER)
I don't want you...

I wasn't being held down and
it wasn't anything weird.

OK.

He said...

.."You move too much."

Yeah.

Now it's gone quiet.

And I'm pretty sure I know why.

I think it's 'cause you're trying
to imagine it.

(LAUGHTER)

So if you could please stop
imagining,

because I swear to God
it's not what you're thinking.

I wasn't, you know, thrashing around.
I wasn't.

I don't want you imagining
some kind of, you know...

Like I'm an orca in a killing frenzy
with a baby seal.

It wasn't like that, you know,

and I wasn't bobbing and weaving
either,

making it difficult for him
every time he came at me.

Oh, no. No. No.

No, no. Oh, too slow, too slow.

You've got to be quick,
you've got to be quick.

Yeah, I'm not some sort of annoying
sex version of that game
whac-a-mole.

(LAUGHTER)

So I don't really know what
I was doing wrong.

And my friend said to me,
"Well, why didn't you ask him?"

I said, 'cause, do you know what?

When you're in the nude and you've
just finished what you thought was

a pretty good job, you know?

Look, I'm not saying it was
the best ever,

but I thought it was solid, you know?

And then someone turns around to you
and goes... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Do you know what
you don't feel like doing?

You don't go, "Oh, really? No good.
OK, Well, look, I tell you what,

why don't we get up?

I'll pop the kettle on.
We'll have a cup of tea.

I'll get a notepad out
and we can really drill down

on where I went wrong.

Do you know what you do if someone
tells you you move too much?

You're mortified and you go,

"Oh, my God, that's never going
to happen again."

And the next time...

(LAUGHTER)

So that's it.

If you're going to imagine anything,
let it be this.

'Cause that's all anyone's getting
from now on. And you know what?

I would rather you imagine that.
I would.

I certainly don't want, you know,

it's preferable to every time
you're driving down the highway

and you go past a car yard
and see one of these things.

(LAUGHTER)

You start thinking, "Oh, there's
Kitty Flanagan

"disappointing someone again."

And it's actually
quite useful information now

'cause I'm able to look back
on all my old relationships and go,

"OK, we probably broke up because of
that rather than my shit
personality."

You know, I just... Now I know.

Like, in the past, I thought...

I broke up with this one
particular guy.

I thought we broke up because
we disagreed about things,

like fundamental basic things.

Like, I thought I was funny.

He didn't.

I thought his kids were annoying.

He didn't.

I thought he liked me.

He didn't.

That's not exactly true.

He did like me,
he just didn't like me as much,

it turns out, as he liked the woman
from work.

Yeah. And I always had my suspicions
about her.

You know, they worked late a lot
and she called a lot.

But they were just work pals,
for sure.

Just suspicious,
a little bit suspicious.

And recently I had those suspicions
confirmed

when I saw their wedding photos.

Hey, but honestly,
this is such a happy story.

It really is, because I would rather
be sad and lonely...but right.

(LAUGHTER)

I fucking knew it.

You've gotta trust your instincts,
ladies.

But the thing is, I am happy for him.
You know, he's married now.

He likes being married. I know that
because this is his third go at it.

(LAUGHTER)
And...

Honestly, how many times are you
allowed to do it?

Don't you think there should be
a limit on how many times

you're allowed to stand up and do
all that, oh, till death do us part
business?

Like, I think by number three,

you shouldn't be allowed to do vows
anymore.

By number three, they're more
loose suggestions, aren't they?
(LAUGHTER)

I just happened to see these photos

because I was poking around somewhere
I shouldn't have been.

I know, I say poking.
You say stalking on Facebook.

It's the same thing.
We've all done it.

And sometimes you don't even know
how you end up there, do you?

You know you're just working
on your computer and you go,

"Oh, I've accidentally typed
his name in."

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, dear. Oh, well.

Well, I don't want to waste
the megabytes.

I may as well just...have a look.

And I couldn't see a lot

'cause he's changed most of
the privacy settings

since we were out.

But I could see his status

and I could see that it had changed
to married and I went, "Oh...hello."

That's got to be worth a bit of
a rummage, hasn't it?

Let's have a little bit of a peepsy
and see what we can see.

Could still see
who all his friends were.

So I figured, well...

..I bet the new wife's a friend.

Let's see if we can find her.

Scrolled through, didn't take long.
Up it came.

I see his surname, a woman's name
I don't recognise as a relative.

I think that's got to be her. Click.

(CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY)

OK. Not only is it the woman from
work - I fucking knew it - right...

(LAUGHTER)

But get this,
she has no privacy settings.

So there are all of
the wedding photos for me to enjoy,

all of them with the caption,
"Third time's a charm."

"Argh".

It didn't really say that.

Not till I put it there.
Now it says it.

(LAUGHTER)

And at first, I was so pleased
with myself, I was like,

"Oh, my God, look at me.
I'm like a detective.

"Yeah, just sleuthing stuff out."
And then...

Then I went, OK, two things,
first of all,

that is such a gross invasion of
somebody's privacy.

But second of all, what you need
to understand about me,

I am like a chimp on a computer.

I pretty much just bang away at it
with two fists.

That took me two clicks
to get into his business.

What I'm saying, people, is if I can
find out stuff about you

on the computer, we're fucked.

We need to be so much more careful
about the information

we're putting out there
and letting anybody take a look at.

And what about the information
you don't even realise

you're putting out there

that your computer is collecting
about you or your mobile phone?

Your mobile phone is always
listening to you.

I know I sound like a conspiracy nut,
but this is happening.

Algorithms collect your information

and it's been happening for ages
and no one seems to care.

Like, I thought it was all going
to kick off

when we had that Samsung
smart TV scandal.

Remember that?

They proved that those televisions
were listening in to people

in their living rooms.

Now, I never worried about that

because I don't have one of
those televisions.

I know for a fact my TV
can't hear me.

I know that

because the number of times I've told
Tracy Grimshaw to fuck off and yet...

(LAUGHTER)

There she is back again,
night after night after night.

Jesus Christ,
can't you hear me, Tracy?

Someone give me a Samsung.
She's not listening.

But the thing is,
algorithms collect your information.

Every time you go online
and search for something

it makes a little note of it,
collects data about you,

builds up a profile of you.

And they do it in order to target you
with advertising.

That's what it's all about.

And I don't need my computer knowing
how to make me buy more stuff.

Honestly, I buy enough shit online
already without any help.

OK, if you need proof, the last thing
I bought was some cream

that promised to besmoothen my skin.

Yeah, besmoothening cream.

Now, I will admit
it was 1:00 in the morning,

I'd had a few wines,

but I still knew
in the back of my mind

that besmoothening is not a word.

Didn't stop me from dragging
a couple of those into the basket.

And then when I saw it was PayPal
it was,

"Well, that's free.
Let's have a couple more."

I'm so susceptible to advertising
and suggestion.

Like, if I'm watching a TV show and
someone has a glass of wine on it,

I'm like this.

"Oh... Yeah.
I wouldn't mind a glass of wine.

"Oh, it's 10:00 in the morning,
I probably shouldn't.

"Oh, it doesn't matter. I live by
myself. Who's going to know, right?"

So I thought, what can I do?

I need to look into how you can get
around the algorithms.

Now, obviously, I've already said
I'm not tech savvy,

OK, so I had to look at a very
manual way that you could do it.

And the suggestion is you should
go online every day

and search for ten things
you're not actually interested in.

And the thinking is this will confuse
the algorithms.

You will appear so random
because you won't be able

to be fitted into any box
that it's got.

It's like this person's too random
and eventually...

(BOOM!)

..you'll blow its tiny
algorithm mind, right?

So I thought, well,
I'll give that a go.

It's actually quite hard

because if you're not interested
in something,

it doesn't tend to pop into
your head.

So it took me ages to think of things
that I wasn't interested in.

The first thing I came up with was
tinned tuna sandwiches.

I thought, that's not interesting,
type that in.

Then I just got really angry.

I got 117,000 results
for tinned tuna sandwich recipes.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, I don't even like
tinned tuna sandwiches,

but I could hazard a guess
at how you make one...

..without consulting the internet
for recipes.

Can you please tell me who is at home
in the kitchen

with the bread and the tuna going...

(LAUGHTER)

I don't know.
Do you reckon bread first?

I don't want to muck it up,
I'm going to Google it.

OK, that's not working,
that's just making me angry.

So, do you know what
I thought of next?

I went, "Oh, do you know what
I'm not interested in?

"Do you know what I could be less
interested in?

"Rugby league."

Now, I apologise if you're
a rugby league fan,

but I do not understand rugby league.

I don't understand how rugby league
players still exist.

How are they not extinct?

They've been devolving
in front of our very eyes...

..for a good ten to 15 years.

I can even pinpoint when the process
of devolution took a sharp dive

and just started plummeting back
to Neanderthal man.

It was at the point, do you remember
there was that player who was busted

for taking a crap
in a hotel corridor.

Now, I'll be honest with you,
I was prepared to forgive him.

I thought that could have been
an honest mistake.

(LAUGHTER)

Look, we know he's not
the sharpest tool in the shed.

I think what might have happened
is he's come downstairs,

he's gone up to the lass
behind the desk.

He said, "Excuse me, miss,
where's the toilet."

And she said, "Just go down
the hall."

And he went, "Right, OK."

(LAUGHTER)

Really?

Now, after him, quite shortly after,
we had a player...

..who was caught pissing...

..in his own mouth.

OK, we're going to break
that one down

because there's a lot to unpack here.

And the first thing you need
to understand about this incident

is that he was doing it of
his own volition.

OK, it wasn't like some sort of NRL
hazing prank,

where they held him down and said,

"Drink your own piss.
Drink your own..."

I'm sure they do that, too.

But in this case,

he was the one that said,
"Hey, guys...

"..do you know what'd be funny?

"If I pissed in me own mouth."

And everyone went,
"Mate, nothing would be funnier."

So, he was caught...

..because there was a photograph
taken of him.

And do you know who took
that photograph? He did.

(LAUGHTER)

I think we might have just solved
the mystery of who is googling,

"How do you make
a tinned tuna sandwich?

Now, since then, there have been
countless incidents, right?

We've even lost track, I reckon.

There's been, you know, the guy with
the dog pretending to do it.

There's been peanut butter on balls
and dogs.

There have been people in cupboards
watching other people having sex.

There've been countless DUIs.

There was one DUI where the guy was
so drunk he got busted

because he drove to
the police station and said,

"Oh, I'm driving pissed."

What I'm saying is, we're at
the stage now

where we're just making chimpanzees
in the zoo angry.

Honestly, if you go to Taronga Zoo,

you will just see an enclosure of
furious apes,

just tapping their foot like this,
going, "Are you serious?

"Sorry, they're out there.

"And we're in here.

"Open the fucking cage."
(LAUGHTER)

It's fair enough.

And look...
(APPLAUSE)

I don't want to blame women, right,

because women get the blame
for everything,

but I think women
should stop sleeping with them.

And I understand when it comes
to rugby league players,

it's not always the woman's choice.
But my point is this...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

My point is...

..if women stopped sleeping
with them,

then eventually they won't be able
to procreate.

They'll just die out.

And then I thought, no, that's mean.
Some people love the game.

Be positive, be proactive,
be a fixer.

I can fix it. I'm a fixer, right?

I'm going to fix rugby league.
Here's what we do.

We get all of the super smart women,
those really clever women,

and we get them all together
and we go,

"OK, ladies, sorry...

(LAUGHTER)

"..but you lot have to go out there

"and take one from the team,
for the team."

And do you know what that's called?

That's called
a selective breeding program.

And I know it will take a few years,

but eventually we will breed out
the fuck knuckle gene.

(LAUGHTER)
We can do it.

and I keep getting all these
reminders for games and merchandise

and all the latest news,
and it's driving me nuts.

I thought, OK,
this isn't working at all.

I've got to search for things
that aren't interesting.

I'm searching for things
I don't like,

whereas it should be something that's
just banal and boring and benign.

And I went, I've got it, I've got it.

The history of buttons.

Now, do you know what the problem
with that is?

Turns out it's fascinating.
(LAUGHTER)

So not only have I wasted an hour
reading about the history of buttons,

which I highly recommend.

I've also now tipped off my computer
that I'm interested

in the history of buttons.
It knows that about me.

It's like, "Oh, Goddammit,
this isn't working at all."

And I just had to stop and go relax.
It's OK.

The rise of the machines is not going
to happen. I know that.

I know that humans will always
be able to outthink algorithms.

And I know that because of something
that happened

to my mum quite recently.

Now, I need to give you a little bit
of family history here

so you understand how
the family works.

OK, so in my family, there's
my sister and I very close in age.

There's a big gap,
there's my brother.

Obviously there's my mum,
who I look a lot like.

Apparently we're spitting image,
people always say.

Sometimes people say this to us,
"Oh, my God, are you sisters?"

Yeah, that's a compliment
for one person.

(LAUGHTER)

Do you know what it does
for the other person?

It makes them go online and buy
besmoothening cream

at 1.00 in the morning.
(LAUGHTER)

So I look like a 76-year-old woman.

That's good news.

And then the news gets even better
because apparently my personality

is just like my dad's.

So I have the personality
of an 80-year-old grumpy man.

So... And it's true.

My dad and I do have the same trait.

We get really, really angry
about really stupid things

that don't matter.

But the difference is my dad
has a reason for it.

I was over there the other day.

Dad's watching a documentary
on World War Two.

Mum and I are in the kitchen

and all we can hear coming from
the living room is this monologue

as Dad fact checks and corrects
the entire program

from start to finish
as it goes along.

We're just listening to this...

"What? Why are they showing
the Russians using a Bren gun

"at that stage of the war?

"The Russians didn't use the Bren
gun, then. That's a British gun.

"It was adapted from a Czech gun.

"But the Russians certainly
weren't using it at that stage.

"That's ridiculous.
That's a schoolboy error.

"They should have had
a schoolboy fact check this show.

"I tell you what,
that's absolutely ridiculous.

"Is this a documentary?
Maybe it's not a documentary.

"Maybe it's an ill-researched
mini series

"'cause they shouldn't be allowed
to put that there. That's fake news.

"I tell you. That's what fake news is
right there,

"happening on the History Channel
right in front of my face.

"Oh, hang on, I think we're OK.
I think...(LAUGHS)

"I think we might be watching
a comedy

"because they've just said that's
a Lancaster bomber.

"That's not a Lancaster bomber,
that's a Halifax bomber

"They've both got four propellers

"and that's about where
the similarity ends.

"I can't believe
they wouldn't know that.

"Oh, yeah, definitely a comedy,
because here we go. Here we go.

"I've heard this,
heard this joke before.

"60 million dead,
apparently in World War two.

"60 million. It was 60,000,014.

"Do the numbers, check your stats.
It's not hard, right?"

My dad knows absolutely everything

except how to change
the fucking channel, apparently.

But...
(LAUGHTER)

But I can't fault him because
I'm a dumbed down version of him.

Right.

I caught myself watching
the Discovery Channel the other day,

watching a documentary about
harbour porpoises.

I know what you're thinking.

"Wow, aren't you a fun family,
always watching documentaries."

But do you know what it is?

I think it's 'cause we know
it's safe viewing.

Like, 'cause there won't be any
sex scenes in the documentaries,

so we just stick to those channels.

But I was getting really, really
angry watching this documentary.

This is what I had to listen to.

(IMITATES AMERICAN ACCENT)
"Harbour porpoise sex
has never been filmed before

"because it lasts for one second.

"The male charges at the female

"and tries to penetrate her
at full speed."

They're the rugby league players of
the sea, apparently.

(LAUGHTER)

"His aim must be true,
because he has but one second

"to manoeuvre his penis, which is
one third the length of his body.

That will be like...

That's tubular.
(LAUGHTER)

"To manoeuvre his penis
into the vaginal opening."

Now, let me tell you what was making
me angry.

I wasn't disputing the facts
being presented.

I wasn't even disputing the fact
that she said vaginal.

But the thing is, I have no idea
if those are...

Are they true statements or not?
Who knows?

So that wasn't what was upsetting me.

I mean, maybe harbour porpoises
have massive ones, maybe they don't.

I don't know. Maybe one
harbour porpoise has a big one.

And now all the rest of the harbour
porpoises are swimming around going,

"Oh, thank God they filmed Kevin
for the doco."

(LAUGHTER)

"Because now we've all got the rep'
of king cock of the sea. Woo!"

Who knows?

That's not why I was getting angry.

I was annoyed because they had
an American doing the voiceover.

And see, I can say the words
harbour porpoise.

So can you. Harbour porpoise.

For an Australian, the words
harbour porpoise

could not be simpler.

But for an American,
the words...

..(IMITATES AMERICAN ACCENT)
harbour porpoise...

..are quite difficult.

Because of the emphasis they put on
the R sound in their accent,

harbour porpoise
is quite a mouth mangler.

And I've got American friends
and I've asked them to have a go

to test it and they go...

(IMITATES AMERICAN ACCENT)
"Harbour porpoise.

"Yeah, you're right.
It's quite hard."

They all agree the only thing harder
would be if the harbour porpoise

was a Mormon.
(LAUGHTER)

OK, my mum discovered that somebody
had been using her computer

to look at porn.

Now, we don't know for sure
who it was.

We know who it wasn't.

OK, so we know it wasn't my mum.

It wasn't me.

It wasn't my sister,
and it wasn't my dad.

It, it... I'm telling you,
it definitely was not my dad.

My dad could not watch porn.

He would watch it like this.

"Oh, well, that's inaccurate."

(LAUGHTER)

"No one does that."

And he'd be quite right. But...

So we think...

We think it must have been
the cleaner.

And we think that because when my mum
asked my brother,

"Have you been using my computer
to look at porn?"

He said, "No, it must have been
the cleaner."

(LAUGHTER)

So we're going with that.

And I'll be honest with you,
does it really seem that weird

that a 45-year-old Korean woman
would be looking at porn

instead of doing the vacuuming?
(LAUGHTER)

OK, but what was odd,
I will grant you this.

What was odd was the website
she was looking at.

Which was a website called...

..Steaming Holes.

Steaming Holes.

Now, again,
let's not rush to judgement.

We don't know, maybe she was
researching a holiday to Rotorua,

a couple of wrong clicks,

suddenly she finds herself
at this obscene porn website.

Who knows? Benefit of the doubt.

The problem for me is I just didn't
know how to feel about the existence

of this website.

I didn't know whether to be angry
or sad or depressed.

And do you know what I settled on?
Exhausted.

The existence of this website
exhausts me.

I think we really need to draw a line

under the expectations
we put on women.

Enough is enough.

It's got to stop because it's just
been increasing

just bit by bit by bit.

And people think,
"Oh, they'll never notice.

"We'll just keep taking it up."

Like, if you think back, OK,
I reckon it all started,

maybe it was the '70s,

when somebody made the suggestion
that women

should just tidy themselves up a bit
down there.

Instead of walking around
looking like you've got a pair of
fur underpants on,

just do a bit of trimming,
neaten it up,

have a little triangle.

And we all went, you know what,
I don't mind a triangle.

That's a good shape, I'm in, right?

But then what happens is
that becomes the norm

and then they raise the bar.

Then it becomes, "Oh, triangles
are boring.

"God, you know what you need to do?
Do some shapes down there."

"What about a strip?
What about a heart?

"What about a star shape?
Just get creative with it.

"Do some topiary, get involved."

(LAUGHTER)

Now, the bar's here,
then they take it up again.

"Oh, what have you even got
that stuff down there for?

"Get rid of it. Wax it off.
Have a bald beaver.

"Let some air get round that thing.

"Go on, you don't need it.

"There's nothing weird about
walking around

"looking like an eight-year-old
child. Take it off."

(LAUGHTER)

Now we're here.
Then what happens next?

"Oh, God, that's a bit plain.

"You know what you need down there?
Some jewellery. Yeah."

"Oh, you want to vajazzle
that thing up."

Because that's what you want,
isn't it, ladies?

You want to drop your pants,
have some sparkle-arkle down there.

I know that's what I want
when I take my trousers off,

the Christmas fucking lights.

(LAUGHTER)

It's a health and safety issue.

I mean, if there's a blackout
tonight, just...follow me home.

I will lead you out.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Like an x-rated star of Bethlehem.
Look at me.

It just never ends.

They just keep raising that bar.

We're at the stage now where women
and I'm including young women here,

women are getting surgery
on their area.

That's what I call it.
That's my area.

But it's a serious thing,
they're getting cosmetic surgery.

And I will admit to you,

I have forgotten the name
of the surgery,

which is why I'm up here just...

..whacking away down..

I was about to call it a flap job,
and I know that's not right.

(LAUGHTER)

I know. I was going so well
and didn't I just fall off

my feminist high horse with a thud,
then!

What is the surgery I'm talking about
that they have? You know.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Labiaplasty.
Labiaplasty. Thank you.

And from a man. Thank you, sir.
God almighty.
(LAUGHTER)

You put me to shame. Thank you.

I beg your pardon.

Labiaplasty. God.

That'd get me kicked off
Master Surgeon in a hurry,
wouldn't it?

(LAUGHTER)

"What are you doing tonight, Kitty?"
"I thought I'd do a flap job. No?

"Oh, Goddammit!"
(LAUGHTER)

I wasn't ready for the journey
to end.

People would say,
"What happened to you?"

I'd go, "Oh, failed the mystery box
challenge."

But, no, this is...
(LAUGHTER)

Come on. This is a serious issue.

Let's get back on track,
back on the horse.

This is a real thing.

Women are getting this surgery
and the thing that's alarming

is they're getting it
for cosmetic reasons, right.

I... I met this young woman
and she was young and I said,

"Well, why on Earth
would you do that?"

And she just shrugged,
like it was nothing.

She went, "Pff,
'cause it doesn't look nice."

I said, "Oh, my God. If it doesn't
look nice, put some pants on."

(LAUGHTER)

Also, quick question,

who's down there
with their eyes open?

If anyone ever looked up at me
and said,

"Oh, you're not looking good
down here, Kit."

I'd say,
"Shut your eyes or fuck off."

(LAUGHTER)

But now, do you see what's happening?

All of that isn't enough either.

According to this website,
Steaming Holes,

now, ladies, apparently we're also
expected to produce

some kind of magical sauna effect
out of there.

I don't even know what that's for.

What are you supposed to do?
Look at your partner and go,

"Alright, first, I'm going to do you,

"but then I'm going to do
these carpets."

(LAUGHTER)

Ssst. Ssst. Ssst.

Actually, I might have a go at
the grout in the bathroom

while I've got this steam up.

Ssst. Ssst. Ssst. Ssst. Ssst. Ssst.

Oh, that's come up a treat.

(LAUGHTER)

What's that?
All stand on the driveway?

Yeah, why not. I've got a Karcher
in my pants, let's go for it.

Pssst.

Just..

Look, I promised... I will move on.

I will. I know, I can sense, I've
stayed way too long in the area,

but I just...

I just have one final question
and that is this,

has anybody here ever had
a steam burn?

Because, see, I have

and I'm here to tell you it is some
seriously painful shit.

So what I'm saying is,
if I was a man,

the last place I'd want to be waving
my wang

is in a steaming fucking hole!

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

I've gotta rehydrate,
I lost a lot of steam there.

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, the reason that
we discovered

that the cleaner... Hm.

..was looking at this website
is because algorithms are stupid.

They can't think like a human can.

OK, so if a human had been going
through my mum's search history,

a human would have spotted
Steaming Holes

as an anomaly like that,

because this is what my mum's
search history looks like.

Sale on at David Jones.

Opening times at Myer.

23cm non-stick frying pan?

Cashmere cardigans on sale anyway.

Best ever scone recipe.

How much water do you give
a maidenhair fern?

Where does Sandra Sully buy
her earrings?

Steaming Holes.

Found it.

One of these things
is not like the other.

An algorithm, however,
went through my mum's search history,

got to Steaming Holes and decided
to send my mum a message,

just a little box that popped up
on a screen that said,

"Are you horny?"

(LAUGHTER)

"Are you horny?"

Let me tell you something about
my mum.

She has never in her life
been horny.

OK.

I'm not kidding.

Not even back in the day
when she was young and hot to trot

and good to go, my mum would never
have been horny.

Do you know why?
Because my mum is a lady.

At best, my mum would have been
a tad urgent.

(LAUGHTER)

Because that's what a lady gets,
a tad urgent.

But that's the thing, isn't it,
horny?

That is a word that comes straight
from porn.

No one used to say that 20 years ago.

But now with porn, horny,
people are saying horny.

And look, I don't mind if you
watch porn, that's fine.

What I'm saying is I think
we could stop making porn today

and there would still be enough
for everyone forever.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm not kidding.

You could go home tonight
and start watching porn

till the day you die.

You will pull your cock off
before you run out of porn.

We don't need any more.

I think they could put a sign up
on the internet that says,

"Fuck off, we're full for porn."
I just...

And I always feel quite grateful
to be this age when it comes to porn,

because by the time, for me,
by the time porn became so ubiquitous

with the advent of the internet,
I feel really fortunate

that I was already old enough
to know the difference

between real sex and porn sex.

But I do worry about young people.

You know, like, I'm talking about
teenagers and preteens

because their first exposure to sex
now comes through the internet,

guaranteed. OK?

Even if you think your kids
aren't seeing it, guess what?

There's a little fucker at school
that's showing them.

(LAUGHTER)
OK.

And if there isn't a little fucker
showing your kid stuff,

your kid is that little fucker.
So just be aware of that.

(LAUGHTER)

So we need to talk to them about it,
and especially to the young girls.

We need to tell them that what
they're seeing on the screens

is not what real people do.
That is not real sex.

It's really important for
Gen-X women, I reckon,

to spread the message.

Like, I want to talk to
the young girls and say,

"Hey, hey, hey, listen to me.
You listen to Auntie Kit.

"What you're seeing on the screens,
that's not real.

Don't you believe that for a minute.

Listen, if you take one thing away
from what I tell you today,
let it be this -

You absolutely, categorically
do not have to take it up the ass.

That's right. I've said it.

It's not normal.
It's not standard practice.

And I guarantee everyone's
not doing it.

Now, relax, Parramatta, that's not
a moral judgement call, OK?

(LAUGHTER)

If that is what you like doing,
woo!

You can stick it in your ear
for all I care, right.

I do not mind what consenting adults
are doing

in the privacy of their own home.
I'm talking about young people.

Never had any kind of
sexual experience before.

Do you know where you don't start?
I'll tell you - up the bum.

Yeah, that right there,
not a starting area.

Now, do you see what's happened?

You've all got very tense.

(LAUGHTER)

In fact, I would go so far as to say
you have all grown an inch

as you've clinched
and risen up as one.

And this is proving my point.

You see, we need to talk about it
instead of just getting uncomfortable

and going, "Oh, just let them
work it out for themselves."

No, no, we've got to tell them.
And, men, don't get uncomfortable.

This isn't going to be,
I'm not going to do any man bashing.

I know it's hard for you now
since women started talking, but...

(LAUGHTER)

Let me do the opposite for you.

Let me, in fact, pay tribute to men
of my own generation, OK?

Because I think Gen X men
are always very respectful

about that particular practice.

The only thing you'll ever get
from a Gen X man

is a bit of what I call
'accidental bummery'.

(LAUGHTER)

OK.

There's a few people looking blank.
(LAUGHTER)

And here's the thing,
I think you probably do know

what I'm talking about.

You just didn't realise
there's a term for it now.

So I'm going to explain to you
what accidental bummery is

and then you'll go, "Oh, that, yes.
I know what that is."

OK, so, it's when you're
in the moment

with your gentleman caller,
shall we say.

You're both a tad urgent.
I'll tell you that much.

And you've been working towards
the critical moment, you know,

and it's all about to happen
and it's getting closer and closer.

And then, "Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh. Up,
up, up, up a bit, up a bit. Yeah."

(LAUGHTER)

No, no, no, no, no, that's not it.

Just a little higher, sir,
if you would.

Yeah, there's... OK, OK,
there's two there.

It's the one on the top.

(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, there we go and we're away.

And...

What I... What I love about
the Gen X men

is you'll never get a protest.

You just get a quick, "Oh, beg
your pardon and then they carry on,

like they've no idea how they'd ever
got down there.

What was that doing? Carry on.
Carry on, carry on.

So hats off to the Gen X men,
is what I'm saying.

And do you know what I want?

I just want young, young girls never
to be pressured by anything,

not to be pressured by what
they're seeing on the screens.

Not to be pressured by that thing of,
"Come on, everyone's doing it."

Because that's what they're
being told - everyone's doing it.

And if they're ever put in that
position and they're told,

"Come on, everyone's doing it."

They need to go, "Hey, hey, hey,
whoa, stop.

"Do you know what, I hear what
you're saying, everyone's doing it.

"But do you know what? I just really
want to talk to someone

"who's actually done it before.

"So I'll tell you what, mate,
why don't you bend over?

(LAUGHTER)

"I'm going to grab a cucumber.

"I'm going to shove it up your ass,

"and when you tell me how good
it feels,

"then we're having a crack at it."

(LAUGHTER)

That's equal opportunity.

That's everyone getting involved.

(APPLAUSE)

that get weird about sex.

Like, I do watch a lot of the
Discovery Channel and Animal Planet.

And I have never once been watching
a documentary about the lions

on the savanna, I've been watching
a couple of lions going at it.

Suddenly, the man lion stops
and goes,

"Oh, hang on a second,
I've had an idea."

(LAUGHTER)

"I'm going to break this branch off
the tree

"and how about I whip you
while I'm doing you.

"I'm going to whip you
while I'm doing you.

"Do you like it, lady lion?

"I'm whipping ya. I'm whipping ya.
I'm whipping ya.

"Call me Daddy. Roar!"
(LAUGHTER)

"Whipping, whipping, whipping."

That's...

That's not nature.

You've never seen a pair of hippos
rolling around in the mud,

suddenly one of them grabs
the other one's foot

and starts going argh...!

"Just let me do it, I'm in to feet.
I'm into feet."

It's not a thing, you know.

There's no giraffe out there
lashing another giraffe to a tree

and then popping a blindfold on it
and going,

"It's alright, if it gets too much
use your safe word.

"Use your safe word."

Giraffe spread eagled like this
going, "Microwave! Microwave!"

(LAUGHTER)

It's not a thing.

It's only humans.

And I can't tell you the words
that strike fear in my heart

more than any other
in a relationship

and tell me that relationship
is about to be over,

is when someone says to me,

"Hey, maybe it's time to spice
things up in the bedroom."

Oh, no, thank you.

(LAUGHTER)

No spice, just plain.

Maybe salt and vinegar
on your birthday, but just plain.

Spicing things up in the bedroom
always seems to involve

putting something on you, doesn't it?

You know, something you could
live without,

like, I don't know, rubber or leather
or food

or...the fucking neighbour. Just...

(LAUGHTER)

Stuff you don't need.

And I just don't understand it.

Like, I especially don't understand
people wanting to put food on you.

I could never get into that.

Like, I couldn't switch off
my own head.

The only thing I would be thinking
about if someone brought food
into the bedroom

is the clean up that's going to have
to happen afterwards.

You know, I'd be lying there trying
to get into it going,

"Oh, oh, that's gone on the sheets.

"That's going to soak through
the mattress

"There's going to be
a big greasy stain.

"Hey, do you know what? Why don't
we do it in the bathroom? Let's do it
in the bathroom.

"No, no, no. It's really good
on the tiles.

"Oh, yeah. I love a hard surface.
Yeah, that's turning me on.

"Let's do it on the tiles. Come on.
It's fine. It's clean.

"I steamed it this morning.
Let's go.

"Come on, let's get into it."
(LAUGHTER)

And I don't understand
the types of food

people want to put on you either.
It makes no sense.

People always want... It's always
the same stuff, like honey.

OK, if I make a crumpet
in the morning,

invariably I'll get just
a bit of honey on one of my fingers,

I swear to God that is sticky
till about midday.

I'm there going, "Oh...

"I'm still sticking to...

"Oh, I can't get that..."

And you want to put that shit
all over me.

I do not have the time.
I'm busy, right.

And as for cream,
why is it cream? Why?

I mean, I like cream,
but I like just a bit on the side

as an accompaniment
to something else, like cake, right.

But in the bedroom, it's always got
to be lashings of cream, hasn't it?

No one ever comes in and puts
a nice, neat MasterChef quenelle

on your bellybutton.
(LAUGHTER)

It's always lashings of cream,
and let me tell you,

that is going to get un-fun
so quickly.

Someone coming in with
a can of cream going,

"Oh, look out, here I come."

Bbbbbbsh!

Bbbsh! Bbbsh!

Bbbsh! Bbbsh! Bbbsh!

(LAUGHTER)

Get ready!

Arrh-arrh-arrh-arrh-arrh.

Arrh-arrh-arrh-arrh.

Arrh...

(LAUGHTER)

Ugh.

I'm just going to get...
I'm just going to get a drink.

Just don't get any on the sheets
because I'll be back in a minute.

And as for chocolate...

..am I the only person who can see
instantly

how un-sexy chocolate is
in the bedroom?

Here's the two words
you need to remember.

'Brown'.

And 'smeary'.

Nothing says sexy times
like brown and smeary.

I will confess to you that someone
has tried to bring chocolate

into the bedroom with me,
but they didn't get very far.

And mostly it was because the only
thing they had in their cupboard

was ice magic.
(LAUGHTER)

Yeah.

He's in the doorway like this
going, "Ohhh."

I just went, "Sorry, mate,
what's your plan?"

(LAUGHTER)

"What are you going to do with that?

"Are you going to put it on me,
wait for it to harden

"and grab two spoons and crack me
on the nips? I don't think so.

"Out."

I just think my main problem
with fantasy stuff is I can't...

I really can't switch off my own mind
and my thinking.

Like, even if I was to just do
dress ups, I couldn't do it.

You know, if I came in as
a sexy nurse, I'd be like,

"Oh, I don't quite understand why
the nurse is sexy."

You know, it's like, "Oh, yeah,
I'm a sexy nurse.

"And I've come to...take
the blood pressure in your penis."

(LAUGHTER)

I don't...

It's the same with the French maid.
You know, why is it...?

(IMITATES FRENCH ACCENT)
"Oh, I'm a French maid.

"And sexy 'cause erm...

"I'm going to...

"..dust your bumhole."
(LAUGHTER)

Do you know what I mean?
Like, I can't make the leap

from these professions to sexy.
I just...

I really hope there are some people
here tonight that do dress ups,

'cause I feel like I will really
have ruined it for you.

Do you know, the only fantasy thing
I like is the really simple one,

I like that
celebrity free pass thing.

That's a fun fantasy and it's
really easy. Anyone can do it.

You know, the celebrity free pass
thing where you,

you nominate a celebrity
that you fancy

and would like to have sex with.

And then in a magical world,
if you ever meet that celebrity

and then in an even more
fucking magical world,

if that celebrity happens
to turn to you and go,

"(GASPS) Well, well, well."

(LAUGHTER)

"Hello, plain, lumpy person."

(LAUGHTER)

"I don't suppose you fancy
having some sex

"with a hot celebrity like me?

And if you've nominated that person
as your celebrity free pass,

you're totally allowed to have sex
with them

and it doesn't count as cheating
on your partner.

Right?

Now, sure, it's never happened
in the history of ever,

but it could happen.

So please nominate before you leave
this building tonight.

Now, my celebrity free pass
is Matt Damon.

No, don't you judge me.

There's no romances in
celebrity free pass.

But I think you can see how much
more elaborate

my celebrity free pass fantasy is
than anyone else's,

because I don't need
a celebrity free pass

because I don't have a partner
that I would be cheating on.

So apparently in my fantasy,

I've also conjured up a husband
for myself.

I'm going to meet Matt Damon
at the party,

get my celebrity free pass,

run off and give it to
my imaginary husband

and then come back and have sex with
Matt Damon.

Now, I will tell you this, the sex
with Matt Damon goes really well.

I have thought it through
and it starts beautifully

because we're at dinner.
You know, we go to dinner first.

We're not animals.
And he's laughing at all my jokes.

He's even saying, "Oh, my God,
I can't believe that other guy

"you went out with
didn't find you funny."

Anyway, that doesn't matter.
You don't need to know that.

That's just for me.
That's not important. OK.

Let's cut to the sex bit,
that's the good bit.

Now, the sex goes really well
because

I take my clothes off
like I'm in a movie.

You know where you just undo
a couple of buttons

and then your clothes drop
to the floor,

they pool around your ankles,

and then you step out of
those clothes

like you're some kind of crazy,
naked, sexy pony.

(LAUGHTER)

That's how it's done in the movies.

Not like in real life, you know where
you stand there going,

"Oh, yeah, no, I'm coming,
just let me do the buttons.

"No, I am into it.
I just want to...

"Just please let me take it off.
If you rip it off...

"Yes, I know it's fun,

"but then I've got to sow them
back on in ten minutes,
so just let me...

"Less haste, more speed, you know.

"You take your pants off and by
the time you're finished,
I'll be over.

"Take your shoes off first,
otherwise you're going to be...

"Er, you're going to be ages. OK.

And look, do you know what?

If this had happened with Matt,
it wouldn't have mattered

'cause do you know what I would
have done?

I'd have regaled him with the history
of buttons

and then he would have just loved me
even more.

But I didn't need to 'cause I just
undid a couple,

they dropped to the floor...and
I stepped out.

And this is where there was just
the tiniest glitch in the fantasy.

Because you see I'm at that age now
where I look fine

in a firm exoskeleton of clothing.

But when I remove this firm
exoskeleton,

I'm a little bit like a cake that
hasn't been quite cooked properly.

(LAUGHTER)

You know when you take a cake
out of the oven and you turn it out,

you take the tin off and you go,
"Ohh!"

And then...flumph.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, that's me, little Miss Flumphy.

And there was just a flicker
of disappointment in Matt's eyes.

But, no, I swear to God
it was there for, I would say,

half of a split second

because he is that good of an actor
he covered like that.

He's amazing.
That's why I love him so much, right.

But I knew he'd seen because he asked
if we could turn the lights out

and I didn't even care.

You know, he's, he's Matt Damon
in the light or the dark,

it doesn't matter. And we did it
and it was just fantastic.

You know, at one point
he even lent down and he said,

"Oh, my God,
I love how much you're moving."

And I said, "Thanks, Matt!"
(LAUGHTER)

And at the end,
he was a real gentleman.

And he turned to me and he said,
"How was that for you?"

And I said,
"Oh, mate, you smashed it."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Out of the park.

with Matt Damon.
I'm not going to date anymore.

I can't date because no one meets
in real life anymore.

And I don't know how else...

Like, everyone just meets online now
or apps. And I don't agree with that.

I think online dating
is fundamentally flawed.

This idea that you go through
and tick boxes of things you like,

and then if someone else ticks
the same boxes as you,

snap, you're a match.

Really? Really?

Let's test that theory.
I like coffee, I like red wine.

I like movies.

Fuck me, who doesn't?

How exactly did we just
narrow the field

and find me my perfect match?

Do you know what? You may as well
walk out into a crowd,

chuck a rock, see who it hits.

That's as scientific
as internet dating gets.

And I wish they would admit it.

"Oh, we've got algorithms
and formulas."

No, you don't.
It's rock chucking, right.

If they want to make it work,
they should reverse it.

You should have to write down
all the things you don't like

because if you can find someone
who hates the same things as you,

you're on a much better
starting point.

And, more importantly, you're on
a much more interesting first date.

OK, here's the date
I don't want to be on.

Sitting there with someone going,

"Oh, gosh.

"Yeah, are you enjoying the wine?

"It's great that we both
like the same things, like wine.

"It's quite delicious, isn't it?
That's one of my favourites.

"That's a... That's a red, I think,
isn't it?"

(LAUGHTER)

Here's the date I want to be on.

Where I turn up and I say to the guy,