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1
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That's what I was like as a kid,
if I got any sort of freedom,
2
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:04,680
I just went cra... haywire.
3
00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:06,360
Especially when it came to drinks.
4
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,640
When my parents started letting me
make myself a glass of squash,
5
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,280
all bets were off, it was awful.
6
00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:16,760
I can't really remember the exact age.
7
00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:19,480
My mum made me squashes for a long time.
8
00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:23,120
She was like in charge
of making the squash.
9
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,680
And then eventually I got...
I don't know what the age...
10
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,840
What's the normal age to start
making your own squash?
11
00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:31,120
What's the...?
12
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:32,200
Seven?
13
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,520
I'm saying seven.
14
00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:37,960
Someone said ten there,
and that was tragic.
15
00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:43,000
Two reasons it was tragic.
16
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:46,320
One, as the rest of you
quite rightfully read,
17
00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:47,880
hypothetical question.
18
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,040
Wasn't looking for a response
from any of you.
19
00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:59,200
Volunteers here anyway.
Can't figure out how the show works.
20
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:03,120
Secondly, ten...
21
00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,000
is way too old.
22
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:09,400
To still have your mum making you
a squash when you're ten...
23
00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,800
Assume, when you shouted that out,
24
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:17,240
you had to briefly pop
a nipple out of your mouth.
25
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:22,560
Ten, I think.
26
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:23,600
Thank you, Mother.
27
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,480
Tragic.
28
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,200
I'm saying seven, mate.
29
00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:35,640
I think seven is fine.
30
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:37,920
If I saw a six-year-old
making their own squash,
31
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,440
I'd be like,
"Who's this man about town?"
32
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:42,960
"What?"
33
00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,040
"He's grown up fast, this one,
making himself a squash."
34
00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:52,720
If I saw an eight-year-old having
their mum make them a squash...
35
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:55,840
I'm gonna bully that kid.
36
00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,080
I'm gonna bully that kid
the first chance I get.
37
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,280
I'm gonna walk over
as she's handing him the cup.
38
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:04,960
You both need to grow up,
this is pathetic.
39
00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:09,080
I'm gonna say about seven.
40
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,680
My mum was making me squash
for years, and look, she ain't here,
41
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,000
we can slag her off.
42
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:16,920
That squash was shit.
43
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:19,560
I'm not exaggerating.
44
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:21,640
I'm pulling no punches on this.
45
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,240
Weak. It was weak.
46
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:25,840
It was weak.
47
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:27,360
And look, let's face it.
48
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,280
It's hardly a complicated recipe, Mum.
49
00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:34,000
When you're making a squash,
it has two components.
50
00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,680
Just get the ratios right,
that's all you gotta do.
51
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:38,240
The weakest squash.
52
00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:39,760
She'd turn round from the tap.
53
00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:42,800
I'd be watching her like an eagle
from across the kitchen.
54
00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:44,920
"Please be a good one this time."
55
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:48,800
"Please be the kind
I've always imagined my whole life."
56
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,880
She turns round...
I've got to squint at the glass.
57
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,800
That's got a vague
orange tint to it, I suppose.
58
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,920
When I drink it, I'll try and imagine
what that colour tastes like as a flavour.
59
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:03,680
At least I'm using my imagination.
60
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,640
Always on the walk back
from the sink to where I was sitting,
61
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,960
my mum would always just like
have a swig for herself.
62
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,240
That's my squash.
63
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:15,440
Walking back, she'd have a swig.
64
00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:17,600
I'm sitting there, "Whoa, whoa, Mum,
it's already diluted enough
65
00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,040
without you backwashing into it."
66
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:23,000
"I wouldn't accept this from a waiter,
I'm not accepting it from you, Diane."
67
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,240
Then I'd go round some other kid's house.
68
00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:31,400
His parents were a bit more laissez-faire.
69
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,600
Let me tell ya,
that squash knocked my socks off.
70
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,080
I wasn't prepared for it.
71
00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,480
I had spirals in my eyes
like a cartoon character.
72
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:42,760
Whoa! Turning to my friend,
73
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:44,760
"Do you access this squash on the daily?"
74
00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:48,080
"Yeah, but my parents
don't talk to me much."
75
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:49,600
"I wish they paid me more attention."
76
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,920
"I would trade it all in a heartbeat."
77
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:55,120
"I would break free from
my mother's loving arms for good
78
00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:56,720
for one sip of this squash."
79
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,360
"Tell your dad
I'm his friend now, not yours."
80
00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:02,400
When my mum made me squash,
81
00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:05,120
it was 99 parts water to one part cordial.
82
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:06,680
I'm being generous there, I think.
83
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,480
And when she handed over
the keys to me, my oh, my...
84
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:13,800
if those ratios didn't flip round
pretty damn sharpish.
85
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,920
So much cordial in there,
I was free-pouring it in.
86
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,480
Just a solid matte finish to the glass.
No light was...
87
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:24,760
It was a solid purple, even if it was
orange squash, it were purple.
88
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,600
It tasted disgusting,
but it's the price of freedom sometimes.
89
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:32,000
You... get your independence,
you're gonna make a few mistakes.
90
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:39,120
I had to make squash again recently
for the first time in a long time.
91
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,440
I haven't made squash
since I lived with my parents.
92
00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:42,760
Cos I'm an adult.
93
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,440
I don't live with my mum and dad anymore
and I don't have kids,
94
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:47,080
so I don't have squash in the house.
95
00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:49,800
Update for some of you.
96
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,120
That's normal, by the way.
97
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,080
And I know...
98
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:56,760
I know my audience.
99
00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,600
I know a lot of you
just had your feelings hurt.
100
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,800
A parade of absolute dorks
coming in here tonight.
101
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:09,680
The way some of you are sitting there.
102
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,160
"Oh, I'm an adult,
and I have squash in the house."
103
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:17,040
Yeah, and you also got heads
in the freezer and bodies in the walls.
104
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:22,000
I don't trust a single one of ya
not coming round your house
105
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,800
for a glass of summer fruits,
you can forget about it.
106
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:28,600
You should be ashamed of yourself.
107
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:29,680
A grown-up!
108
00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:33,800
Getting back from like a job,
like a grown-up job.
109
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,880
Still got your tie on, some of you,
making a squash in your kitchen.
110
00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:42,720
There's no way you don't hum
while you do it, either.
111
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,000
That hum, as well,
the most basic hum of them all.
112
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:52,240
Not an original thought
in your stupid head.
113
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,520
Then you got to run the tap.
114
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,440
You gotta run it for a little bit cos
you don't want warm squash, do ya?
115
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:04,320
Really, really letting go your dignity
and testing the stream with your hand.
116
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,520
Testing the temperature of it. "Oh...
117
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,160
is this hot enough yet?"
118
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:09,720
"I want it cold for my squash."
119
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:10,880
Soaking wet hand.
120
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,880
I hope this squash
is delicious and worth it.
121
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:16,160
I would sooner get home,
turn the tap on,
122
00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:19,320
shove my hand underneath it
and just drip the drops off of that.
123
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,480
I'd feel better about myself
than if I was to make a squash
124
00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:24,960
as an adult with no kids running round.
125
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,400
I had to make it recently for my nephew.
126
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:35,240
And I was out of practice.
I was still as bad as I've ever been.
127
00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,080
Cos what you should do
if you're making a squash, really,
128
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,560
is look at the glass side on
so you get an idea
129
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,760
of how much cordial
you're putting in there.
130
00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:44,520
Cos it's a good viewpoint,
good bit of perspective.
131
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:48,600
I still just walk all the way up
to the table, so it's like here.
132
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,520
I look straight down
to the flat circle of a glass.
133
00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:54,520
Do a bit of guesswork.
Brought it up to the tap.
134
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,200
I damn near gave that kid Type II.
135
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,040
It was a fruity treacle
I was handing over to him.
136
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,080
Bouncing off the walls.
137
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:06,200
Mainly, cos also, I didn't know this,
it was double-strength squash,
138
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:07,160
which I didn't know.
139
00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:09,440
I'd been out of the game for too long,
I didn't know this existed.
140
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,920
I didn't know that you dorks
were asking for that.
141
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:15,080
Queuing up. "Excuse me."
142
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,760
"I'd like to halve the amount of time
it takes me to do this, please."
143
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,600
"So you'd better invent
double strength squash,
144
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:22,440
or half-strength water, ASAP."
145
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:31,520
Make a new tomorrow
146
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,680
Make a new tomorrow
147
00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:35,640
We only need to share
148
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,120
True love and understanding
149
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,360
1999 was the best year of my life, though.
150
00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,200
Pretty easily
was the best year of my life.
151
00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:43,560
A lot of good stuff happened.
152
00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:47,080
Out of any year in my life, this is
when I felt most connected to people.
153
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:50,200
I want to talk about connections tonight,
not all division and stuff like that.
154
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,960
When I saw that eclipse,
I remember we were all in a field.
155
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:57,360
So hundreds of people, just strangers,
all sitting on the grass,
156
00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,400
just looking up at this eclipse...
157
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:03,520
I don't think I've ever felt so connected
to as many strangers in my life.
158
00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:04,680
Just amazing.
159
00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:06,480
It was still and quiet...
160
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:09,200
It's hard to describe it to people
who weren't there
161
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,840
without using words like "twas"
and stuff like that
162
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,880
with Shakespearean character
out of nowhere, but...
163
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,400
It was emotional, you know?
164
00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:21,080
Like proper... like my mum cried.
165
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:23,960
We made fun of her.
166
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:25,200
Because she cries.
167
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:28,760
Made fun of her immediately.
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