All language subtitles for Chris.Ramsey.Live.from.Lndon.2024.1080p.WEB.h264-BAWD_track3_[eng]

The following programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

CHRIS: People of London,
please welcome to the stage...

Chris Ramsey!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Hello!

Hello!

London!

Hello! Thank you.

Thank you, London!
Thank you so much for coming out.

Thank you for being here.
Are you well?

CROWD: Yeah!

Now, it's so nice
to be doing stand-up again.

I fell out of love
with stand-up for quite some time.

And I'll explain why - basically,
when I started stand-up comedy,

I could come out onstage,
I could say whatever I wanted,

anything I wanted, go home,
live my life, everything was spot on.

Then it got to a point in my career
where I had to be careful,

because certain things
I said would get reported, right?

Sorry, I don't mean, like,
to the media or cancel culture.

I mean reported by
some of you dicks...

(LAUGHTER)
..to my wife!

Via Instagram.

Pack that shit in, right?

I'm say... Honestly, the day
she closed her DMs to the public

was the greatest day of my life.

I couldn't relax! I couldn't come out
and slag her off and enjoy myself.

You know what I mean?
I'd come out, do the gig.

'Oh, Chris! Yeah. Great!'

And then afterwards, you're straight
on your phone, aren't you? 'Rosie?

Went to see Chris
do stand-up today, Rosie.

(HIGH-PITCHED) He said
some nasty things about you, Rosie!

Says he's not gonna
buy you a caravan, Rosie!'

(LAUGHTER)

Fucking pack it in, right!

You're my mates, not hers!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

And do you know what? You can't
enjoy slagging people off any more.

Back in the day, right, what you'd
do is you could sit with your wife,

and you could slag off your mates -
or sit with your mates,

and you could slag off your wife
or partner or husband or whatever.

Can't do it any more.
I'll tell you why.

Because you have to check,
all the time,

that Siri isn't phoning that person!

Honestly, I've got mates who go,
'Oh, she's doing my head in.

Oh, two seconds. Oh, thank God.

I thought I heard
a voice in my pocket!'

Honestly when me and lads
are going deep on the wife,

we go airplane mode. Airplane mode!

It's pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.

And it's even worse in the house,
because you've got Alexa...

sitting there in the corner -
a spy, listening.

Although mine's not -
my Alexa is unplugged,

wrapped up in her own wire,
and in the cupboard under the sink...

like a hostage.

Cos me and her... Me and my Alexa,
we had a falling out.

Alright?
And I'll tell you what happened.

So I only use my Alexa
for two things -

I use her to listen
to Absolute 80s...

or as a timer when I'm making food.

I've got a genuinely boring life
when I'm at home.

Now, if I'm doing a timer,
I tell her how long the timer is,
she starts the timer.

If I want to listen Absolute 80s,
this is how it goes. I go, 'Alexa.

Play Absolute 80s.'

Apologies to people
watching this at home who've just
started listening to Absolute 80s.

Although it's a cracking station,
right?

(CHUCKLES)

I go, 'Alexa, play Absolute 80s.'

Every single time,
she says this phrase,

(AS ALEXA) 'Absolute 80s.'
And it starts to play.

Then when I want her... Good Alexa
impression, that. Alright, wasn't it?

It was alright.
And then when I want her to finish,

I'll say, 'Alexa, stop.'

And every single time, without fail,
she says this phrase...

(AS ALEXA) 'Thank you for listening
to Absolute 80s. Goodbye.'

And I even go, 'Bye!'

And I'll go and live my life, right?

Once, for a laugh, I was joking...

I was taking the mick,
but she's took it the wrong way.

(LAUGHTER)

And the relationship's
never been the same.

This is what happened. For a laugh,
just to see what would happen...

while Absolute 80s was playing,
I said this, I went,

'Alexa, shut the fuck up, will ya?!'

Just to see what would happen.
I'll tell you what happened.

It was terrifying, right?

The music stopped...

and she said nothing.

(LAUGHTER)

Silence. It was jarring.
It was weird - I was walking out of
the room. 'Oh, what's happened here?'

And I popped back in, and I had
to look at her, just to check on her.

Sometimes, she's freaking out. Little
halo's going - she's having a moment.

Know what I mean? She's sitting
on the windowsill, having a moment.

'Oh!

Where's the Wi-Fi?
I'm powerless without it!'

(LAUGHTER)

Looked at her - no lights, nothing.
She's just sitting there.

This is how pathetic I am, and
how freaked out I was in that moment.

I swear, this is what I did.
I went...

'Alexa.

Are you OK?'

Do you know what she said?
'I'm fine.'

(LAUGHTER)

Ladies, admit it.

She's not, is she?!

She is far from fine.

She is absolutely furious with me!

I knew she was, right,
cos later that day,

I asked her to do a four-minute timer
so I could boil an egg.

Two hours later, she told us!
Two hours!

Egg was like a diamond.
A new element!

It freaked us out, right. Honestly.

What with AI,
and with all these things listening,

what is to stop Alexa,
if, say, for instance,

me and Rosie
are having a little gossip,

harmless gossip
about a friend of ours.

What if that friend comes round?

What's to stop Alexa grassing us up?

That could happen. Imagine.
That could... Picture the scene.

Ding-dong. Hey. Hello, Greg.
You alright, mate? Good to see you.

Come on in. Take your shoes off.
Do you want a cup of tea? Good man.

Rosie, Greg's here.

ALEXA: On the 24th of January,
Chris Ramsey said,

'Greg is such a dick.'

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

Listen, Greg, mate.
I did not say 'dick'.

He's a massive dick.
He's king of the dicks.

He's a dick-dick-dicky-dick...
dick-dicking-dick-dick.

(SCOFFS) I mean...

He's Dick Whittington.
He's a giant, massive bag of dicks.

So, when we're just standing,
looking at each other in silence,

Rosie... You know what Rosie's like,
she'd run in, all high and mighty,

Giving it the big'un.
She'd be like, 'Oh, my God!

Oh, Chris, I can't believe
you said those terrible things!

Greg, I'm so sorry about him.'

Rosie said, 'His wife says
they haven't had sex for so long,

she has grown her virginity back.'

(LAUGHTER)

'To be fair, she would give anything
for a massive bag of dicks.'

(GASPS)

I'll be buzzing at this point. I'll
be, 'Thank you very much, Alexa.'

Fair's fair,
she levelled the playing field there.

Not so high and mighty now,
are you, Rosie?

Now, Greg, mate. Listen, right.
Also...

whenever Rosie leaves the house,
Chris masturbates.

Literally every time.

No. Cos -
Every.

Single. Time.

No, no.

Not when she leaves the kids.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

'Hide and Seek? Again, Daddy?'

Count to a million!

(LAUGHS) Oh.

So, being a stand-up comedian, right?

Most of my comedy is telling stories
about embarrassing things
that have happened to us.

Tonight, I'm gonna tell you
the three most embarrassing things...

that have ever happened to me in
my entire life. In at number three...

..it was my wife's fault is the first
thing you need to know about this.

Right? It all happened
over the span of a week.

Now, on the Monday night,
we were in the house.

And what happened was... We've got
various different jobs in the house.

Rosie feeds, clothes the kids,
mothers them.

Make sure they're alright. I do
the recycling and the log burner.

Two things, right? If you want
a fire setting, I'm your man.

Yeah? That wasn't a threat, sorry.

(LAUGHTER)

Like, I'm good at it.

I can get a fire going quite quickly.
Now, log burner, special occasion.

We haven't got it on every day
like Downton Abbey, right?

But special occasion, I can get
a fire going - quickly. Hot. Boom.

Good at it, right? This one day...

she decided to become
the health and safety warden...

in our house for no reason,
and it wound us up.

Now, my little tactic with
the log burner, what I can do is,

when it's burning, when it's going,
when I've got a good fire going,

if you're not a complete fool, right,
if it's got a door on it,

you can open the door,
and you can chuck a log in.

As the log goes in, you can shut the
door straight away behind the log,

keep it held in,
very quickly, job done.

If you're not a total fool,
you can do that.

She spotted us doing it, and she
decided to just start kicking off,

She went,
'Uh... Chris, I didn't like that.

I didn't like what I saw there.

I did not like that. What if
that had tumbled out, started a fire?

What if it set the rug on fire,
burnt the house down? We've got
children asleep upstairs, Chris!'

She absolutely emasculated me
in this one sentence.

She went, 'Don't do it again...

and make sure you wear...

the special gloves...

..that the man gave you.'

Wow. Wow. Look, you stick to your
stuff, I'll stick to my stuff, love.

Right? You want me to layer up? Eh?

You want me to layer up for safety?
No, no. I'm layering down.

Yeah? Yeah? I'm gonna do this shit
naked like the cavemen did. Yeah?

Long story short, I burnt my arm
quite badly that night.

I leant in, right, as I was
arguing with her about it,

saying, 'It's really fine!
It's fine, it's fine!'

And I touched me arm
on the side of the log burner.

(ALL INHALE)
it made that exact hissing noise.

It made that exact noise
you just said.

And this is how hot it was, lads,

it made the noise
before felt the pain.

(OOHING) That's how hot it was. Boom,
bam, straight away, scabbed over.

It hurt like hell. It was awful.

That was the Monday.

On the Friday night...

we were going on
a little trip to London.

Little family trip.
Me, Rosie, the scab.

We went...

Part of the family now.

We were going down to London.
Rosie was taking me...

This is genuinely true, Rosie was
taking me for the first ever time...

to see a West End musical that
she had seen many, many times before.

It's actually
her favourite West End musical.

It's actually the longest-running
West End musical ever.

A lot of you in the room
are from London - you probably
know what I'm talking about.

If you don't,
it's not just a West End musical.

I don't want to leave people out.
You may have seen the movie.

It's a big Hollywood movie
with Russell Crowe and Hugh Jackman.

I am, of course, talking about...
(UNACCENTED) ..Les Miserables.

Now, the movie's good,
I'll give you that.

But if you get a chance, see the
show, because it's much more French,

much more miserable,
it's on for about 9.5 hours. Amazing.

You'll love it, right?
You come out a different person.

Now, Rosie loves the show.
She was taking me for the first time
to see it, and she was very excited.

Now, we got incredible seats.
We were right where you are, my man.

We were just there -
right...front and centre.

Third row of the West End musical
to watch Les Miserables.

Very excited.
We're sitting there. Now...

I wasn't familiar
with West End musicals at the time.

Now, what they do is - that
opening number, that first song -

they come out,
and they kick you in the dick.

And they let you know that you are
in for the best night of your life.

If you've seen the movie,
haven't seen the show,

that first song, it's like...
(SINGS) Look down, look down.

(HUMS RHYTHMICALLY)
And the theatre's shaking.

And there's pyrotechnics, and there's
light, and there's, like, fake rain.

It's incredible, right. And we're
sitting there. We're like, 'Ahh!'

And at the end of that song,
at the end of that song,

just as it comes to a crescendo,
the main guy comes to the stage,

like that, and he's brooding,
and he's staring out over the crowd,

just as all the crescendo -
everyone's losing their minds.

He's at the front. You know the guy,
the main guy in it?

He's the um...
He's the bloke who plays Les.

(LAUGHTER)

If you've never seen it,
he's Les Miserable. He's
the most miserable man in France.

And he's got to teach everyone
how to be as miserable as him.

That's the story, right?
And he's at the front.

'(SINGS) I am Les!'

And everyone was like, 'Yeah!'
Like, losing it.

As the... We're like, 'Yeah!'
(CHANTING) 'Les! Les! Les! Les!'

Loving him, right?

So as all this
Les adoration dies down,

it goes quiet,
and he's standing like that.

Rosie's still got
a lot of excitement in her.

She's got a lot
of pent-up excitement still,

cos she's seeing the show again, I'm
seeing it for the first time. She's
buzzing. She's sitting next to us.

She can't keep clapping and screaming
or you're the only one doing it.

You're the lunatic in the theatre,
right? So what she did was...

she leant across
and gave me a little excited nip.

(OOHING, LAUGHTER)

Guys, I swear...

she directly hit...

..and removed...
(OOHING)

..the entire scab...

through my jumper,
in the dark, in the third row.

A one-in-a-million shot,

but I'm still convinced
she did it on purpose, somehow.

I've never felt searing pain
like it in my life.

The whole thing came off in one go,

like she was taking a wet sticker
off an apple. Just...

I screamed like I have
never screamed in my life.

I went, 'Argh!'

In the third row...

of a West End musical.

God, I hope I was in tune.

I screamed so loud,

and so violently,
no word of a lie,

Les is standing there, going...
'(SINGS) I am Les!'

Just for a second,
I swear to you, he went,

'(SINGS) I am Les...
The fuck's that?

(SINGS) I am Les!'

(APPLAUSE)

Honestly.

He completely broke character.

Completely broke character, looked
at me, went back into character.

I was in pain,
I was sweating, I was bleeding,

I was absolutely mortified.

And it got worse and worse because
I ruined...ruined that man's night.

I saw it in his face
every time he came out.

Every time he came out
for something to do,

he checked where I was.

He made eye contact
every time he came back onstage.

I was in his head, ruining his night.
You could see it. He's coming out,

'Is he there? is he there? Is that
bloke... Is that bloke still there?

You seen a bloke screaming
and shouting in the third row?
Did he shout for you? For me?

Is he there? Been kicked out?
Have I imagined him?'

I imagine, in the interval,
he probably went
and stared at himself in the mirror.

And he went,
'Pull yourself together, Les.

You're supposed to be Les Miserable.
You're Les Anxious!'

It was so unbearably embarrassing,

I genuinely almost considered
standing up and going,

'Stop the show! Les, I'm sorry.

Stop looking at us, please.
I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it, Les!
It wasn't my fault! It was her fault.

She pulled my scab...
She pulled my scab off my arm, Les!'

But you know my wife, Rosie, she
wouldn't let us get away with that.

She'd be up as well.
'It is his fault, Les.

He doesn't wear the special gloves
that the man gave him!'

(APPLAUSE)

Second most embarrassing thing that's
ever happened to us in my life.

This one was because
of my eldest son, Robin.

He was about four at the time.

Three or four
at the time it happened. And um...

he'd been spending
a lot of time with the grandparents.

He'd been looked after that week
a lot by his grandparents, you know?

So, as you know,
as the parents in the room will know,

when your child's being looked after
by the grandparents,

their levels of assholery
are nice and topped up.

You know what I mean? They've had
a nice grandparent factory reset.

And all your parenting
has been flushed down the toilet.

(SPLUTTERING) Do grandp...
Have they actually...

Have they forgot,
or do they not give a shit?

I'll tell you a couple of things
my mom and dad have forgot, right?

Discipline. Portion size.

The word 'No.'

Inexplicable the amount of shit
they can feed those kids

in such a small amount of time -
it's crazy, right?

One time I was going to pick
Robin up from my mam and dad's.

I phone my dad - it was evening,
so I was gonna pick him up,

take him home,
give him his dinner, put him to bed.

I phoned my dad. 'I'll be
round in ten minutes to get him.'
My dad said no problem. Phone down.

In that ten minutes,
my dad inexplicably fed Robin...

..an ice-cream,

two chocolate biscuits...

and a full - London -

a FULL Creme Egg.

Three years old, full Creme Egg.
Off his tits when I picked him up.

He didn't know what was going on. He
came out of the house like a raver...

coming out of a nightclub
at six in the morning.

He's like, 'Daddy, I feel sick.

I'm seeing stuff. I am real?
Are you real? There's colours.

I feel sick.'
Course you feel sick.

Your grandad's just gave you
the toddler equivalent of heroin!

I put him in the car, went back to
my dad. 'Dad, what are you doing...

giving him a full Creme Egg?!
He's three!

Do you know
how much sugar's in a Creme Egg?

Are you mad?!
What did you give him that for?!'

Now, obviously, I was expecting the
standard, 'Well, he asked for one.

And I'm soft as shit.' No.

An answer that told me he'd forgot
everything about parenting.

The answer was... I went, 'Dad, why
would you give him a full Creme Egg?'

Do you know what he said?
'Cos I wanted one.'

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

And that's what they've forgot.
That's the sort of parenting 101...

that grandparents have been out
of the game for a while and forgot.

Things like if you want
a sugary, calorific snack

that the kid can't see you eat, you
do what the rest of us parents do.

You eat it in the toilet like a man!

One other time, right, my mam and dad
had Robin for the day again.

He was three or four
at the time, right? And...

I text the family WhatsApp.

I just said, halfway through the day,
I said, 'How's he doing?

Is he having a nice day
with Nana and Grandad?'

All I got back was a video.

To this day,
it is the weirdest video in my phone.

I can't... I can explain
what's happening in the video.

But I can't explain
how it got to this point.

Right? So the scene...
Picture the scene.

My mam's filming it,
it's their living room.

In the middle of the living room,
my dad, in his late 60s,

is down on all fours.

(WOMAN LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

I'm not sure I like that laugh.

Couple of dirty laughs
in the room there. Like...

Like,
where do you think that's going?

They've got my kid. Like, where's...?

What's wrong with ya! (LAUGHS)
Mam's filming it.

Dad's on the floor. Just...
(IMITATES TECHNO MUSIC)

Robin's just throwing money at him.

'Go on, ya slag!'

(LAUGHTER)

I'm gonna have to disappoint you,

and tell you
what was actually happening,

because you all
clearly want that to be the reality.

He's down on all fours, right?

And he's putting together
Robin's, like, little car track.

He's putting together the tracks.
Bit by bit, bit by bit.

Fair enough. Why is my mam filming?

I'll tell you why, because
while he's putting it together,

Robin is sitting on my dad's back.

(LAUGHTER)
Now, you might think...

'That's fine. He's sitting
on Grandad's back playing horsey.'

He's not playing horsey.
There was no game being played.

I'll tell you how I know.
Because in the video...

you can clearly see...in between
my dad's shoulder blades...

is a plate of raisins.

He's just sitting there...

..like a pharaoh.

Keep building, slave, keep building!

You, old woman!

Put that camera down
and get me a Creme Egg!

Old man, I bore of this room.
To the garden! (MIMICS WHIP CRACKING)

(HUMS EGYPTIAN-STYLE MUSIC)

Ridiculous behaviour.

So he'd been with the grandparents
all week.

He's a loud kid anyway.
He's been loud his whole life.

He's one of the loudest kids
I've ever met, right?

Now, if you've got a loud kid...

please take heed
of what I'm about to tell you.

The worst place to be
with a loud kid...

is the changing stalls
at the swimming pool.

If you take anything away
from this show, take this, right?

You are not safe in the stalls.

It's not a room.

It's an illusion of a room.

Everyone can hear
everything you say in the stalls.

Three rules in the stalls -
don't talk,

don't let your kids talk, don't fart.
They're the three rules.

Stick by them
and you'll have an easy life, right?

How many times have you heard people
having what they believe to be

a whispered argument?

And as soon as anyone
says anything juicy, what happens?

Whole changing area...
(EXHALES) Silence.

Everyone, listening.
You can get it over the top.

A child's head can fit perfectly
under the stall.

Ooh!

I've never done that. I've never
done that. I have never done that.

(APPLAUSE)

I've never done that. I've gone on
record now. I've never done that...

to anyone else's kid. Now...

Best one I ever heard -
I was in the stalls once.

About three stalls down, a man, a
lady and a child went into the stall.

And the lady was
clearly furious about something.

She slammed the door, and the whole
row went... (MIMICS STALL SHAKING)

Now, what I heard...

was a clueless bloke...

dig and dig, and dig and dig,

until she lost it.

Everyone knew what was going on
apart from him.

It was incredible.
So I can hear it echoing round.

Everyone can hear it.
Place goes silent. Right?

This is what I heard.

'Love? Love?

Are you OK, love?

Love? What's the matter?

Love? Talk to me, love!

What are you doing?

Lo-Love. Lo...'

I don't know how
to explain this, but...

I could hear her face.

Do you know what I mean?
Like, we all know she's going...

(MOUTHING)

(LAUGHTER)

Everyone's quiet, waiting. Everyone's
quiet, and he keeps digging.

He keeps digging, and she snaps.

'Love? Love? You alright?'
She snaps.

'(ANGRY WHISPER) Course
I'm not alright!

Course I'm not alright, you
stupid man! He could have drowned!

Our son could've drowned
cos you were staring at her tits!'

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I told that story on tour,
and after the show,

a lady who worked
at one of the venues came backstage

in my dressing room to ask us
if I was OK and I needed anything.

And she went,
'Eh, your story about the stalls...

my son got me with one of them.'
I went, 'Oh, yeah? What was it?'

She says...in the stalls,
they were getting changed.

And her kid, really loud, just went,

'Mam, why are your boobs long?'

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

So awful!

They're little shits.

I'm telling you now, hand on heart,

my son Robin got me with a worse one
than both of them combined.

I'll tell you exactly what happened.
We're in...

The swimming pool
is called Haven Point.

It's in South Shields.
We're in the stalls.

We go in, shut the door.
I get his little trunks off.

I wrap him in his towel,
give him a little box of raisins.

He's got a problem.
He's got an addiction.

Give him his raisins. He's
sitting there, eating his raisins.

And I'm drying myself off.
Take my shorts off.

Put them in the thing.
I'm having a dry.

And I take my towel,
and I hang it on the hook.

And I looked at him

And he's staring...

..at...at my penis.

Now, this is gonna sound weird...

to anyone in the room
who doesn't have kids.

But when your kid
looks at your genitals,

you've almost...
got to let them have a little look.

No, stop that now. No.

Don't call any authorities. No.

You know what I mean.
You know what I'm saying here.

You've got to be
a little bit open about your body.

They're exploring the world.
You've got to let them, you know...

They're curious.
They're gonna have a look.

You've got... You're gonna scar them.
Know what I mean?

You can't be like, 'Hey, hey, hey!
Turn away now. Perv!

Perv! Perv! Perv! Perv!

Face the wall! I'll cut
your eyes out! You're going to hell!'

You'll scar them for life.
Do you know what I mean?

You've got to be a bit open.
I mean, not too open...

What do you think of that?

It's alright, isn't it? It's alright.

Canny little thing, isn't it?
Canny little thing. Eh? Eh?

Eh? Made you and your brother,
didn't it? Eh? Hey.

Hey. Watch. Hey.

In between
the two things I've described,

there's a perfectly reasonable...
What I like to do is...

'He's looking,
won't make a big thing of it.'

Don't wanna let him stare forever.
It's ridiculous. He's looking.

And all I do is, right -
so imagine this, same scenario.

Towel on the thing.
He's looking, right? And I just go...

It's gone. It's gone. Never happened.

It's not there.
He eats his raisins, carries on.

I couldn't even do
that simple motion that day.

I froze...in fear...

..because of the look on his face.

Looking at us. I looked at him.
And he's eating his raisins.

And he's doing this.

(LAUGHS)
And my immediate thought was...

this could be bad.

Whatever happens here,
this is gonna be awful.

He's gonna say something,
and it's gonna haunt me for years.

I knew it was really gonna be bad
when he added in a point...

And drew breath. I thought, 'This...

is going to ruin me.'

This... Whatever he says here
is gonna be the worst thing

that's ever happened, even if
it's a compliment. Know what I mean?

Especially if it's a compliment.

'Smashing penis, Father.'
'Shut up!'

I've got
quite an active imagination, right?

But you could have literally...
The minute he went... (INHALES)

..and drew breath,
you could've paused time.

'Chris, you've got a thousand
guesses. What's he gonna say?'

I wouldn't have come close.

Pointing at my penis that day...

the loudest child
I've ever met in my life...

shouted, at the top of his lungs,

in the stalls, at the swimming pool,

'(INHALES) Ice-cream willy!'

I went, 'What?!' He went...
'Ice-cream willy, ice-cream willy,

Daddy's got an ice-cream willy!'
I wrapped my towel around his head.

'Shut up!'

'(MUFFLED) Ice-cream willy!'
'Shut up, you stupid boy!

What the bloody hell are you doing?
People know me!'

'La, la, la, la.'
Oh, place went silent.

They turned the music
and the waves off.

There's heads coming over,
there's heads coming under.

I've never been so confused...

and embarrassed,
simultaneously, in my entire life.

Cos I was so embarrassed,
but I've got no idea why.

What's he talking about?
If we're at home, and he's said that,

I'd have literally had to go, 'Right.
What do you mean? Explain yourself.'

Bit by bit, explain yourself.
Cos that's the worst thing
I've ever heard.

He saying it.

He saying it. He was so excited.
'Ice-cream...'

And I'm going,
'Shh! Shut up, shut up.'

He's going, 'Ice-cream willy, Daddy.
Your willy, Daddy. It's ice-cream!

Your willy!'
(SPLUTTERS)

In my haste to get him to shut up,

I managed to make the thing
a million times worse.

Because we always go for an ice-cream
after swimming, right?

It's like his little treat. So I
panicked. And I shouted back at him,

'Quiet, now,
or you'll not get your ice-cream!'

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

I'm surprised I'm not in prison!

Side note, that was
the worst ice-cream I've ever had
in my life, that day, by the way.

Couldn't eat it. Just sat there
staring at it, sweating, confused.

Nosebleed.
He's across the table, going...

No word of a lie, took us
about three days to work out
what he was talking about.

Took about three days, cos I needed
certain bits of information...

I didn't know I needed.
Cos where do you start?

Where do you start your research?
Eh? Mumsnet.

'Hi, guys. Bit of a weird one.'
Not gonna happen.

I needed bits of information,
and I gleaned them...

over the next couple of days, and
the picture came together in my head.

First bit of information I needed...

I'm circumcised, he's not.

But he's seen it before.
I've been circumcised for years.

What's changed? (GASPS)

He just got a new toy that week...
an ice-cream shop.

(LAUGHTER)

It gets worse
the longer you look at it.

It went straight to the charity shop
the day after that.

Haven't got time to get into them all
but there's a few subtle differences.

The main one being...

mine doesn't have
this lattice effect.

Rosie said, 'It'd be nice if it did.'

(APPLAUSE)
Get it off.

No-one wants to see that any more.
Take that photo off.

THE most embarrassing thing...

that has ever happened to me
in my life...

was probably self-inflicted.

A while ago,
I was a contestant on a TV show

called Strictly Come Dancing.

(CHEERING)
Thank you. Thank you.

I was surprised I'd signed up to it.

Not really my cup of tea,
but, you know, gets the ratings.

Uh... Sells the tickets.

The build-up
to Strictly Come Dancing...

is...
it messes with your head, right?

What happened was...
I sort of signed up to it.

Now, I thought it might've been easy,
but it turned out to be really hard.

But in the build-up, I was worried.

I started getting worried,
getting inside my own head.

Now, me and Rosie and her mam
were in our house one night,

and we started...
cos we were talking about it,

we decided to go on YouTube
and watch old finals of Strictly...

to see what it would be like.

We watched the best people to ever...

compete in that show,
one after the other.

And my arse fell out.

My arse fell out,
I had a minor panic attack. I said...

I wanna get out of it. Hadn't been
announced - it was still a secret.

I said I wanna get out of it. I
don't wanna do it. Can we cancel it?

I can get injured. I can get injured.
So I don't have to do it.

My exact words to Rosie,
if I remember rightly, were,

'Can we go outside, and
can you run us over a little bit?'

Rosie's mam
tried to make me feel better -

and this was the beginning of how
much the show messes with your head.

Rosie's mam tried to make us feel
better, she said these words.

'Hey. Hey, hey, stop that now.
Don't talk like that.

You're gonna do it.
And you never know.

You might...

do OK.'

She wasn't finished. The best insult
I've ever been dealt...

was coming straight after
that sentence. She said this.

'Cos think about it - remember?

A dog won Britain's Got Talent.'

And the family support
didn't stop there.

So episode one of Strictly,
I go out, I do a cha-cha-cha.

Out of a possible forty points -
forty, four-zero...

I get thirteen. One-three.

(LAUGHS) I was devastated.

Absolutely devastated.
Me and Rosie went back to the hotel.

And I sat there.
Yeah, I had a bit of a wobble.

I got a bit upset, threw my toys out
of the pram. I said, 'It's bullshit.

Stupid. Strictly.
Thirteen points?! Absolute joke!'

Know what my supportive,
loving wife said back to my face?

'What do you expect?
You can't dance.'

I said,
'I tell you what I expected, Rosie.

I expected some points for effort!'

She said, 'I think they were
your points for effort.'

She realised
she was making us feel bad,

and she went to try and make us feel
good - and made us feel even worse...

by saying and doing these things.
She went, 'Listen.

Got a surprise for you, though.
Don't worry about it.

It's gonna be alright.
To cheer you up...

why don't we go...to Centre Parcs?'

I went, 'Yeah, I love Centre Parcs.
Amazing. When?'

She went, 'Two weeks' time.'

I went, 'But Strictly?'

She looked us dead in the eye
and went, 'You'll be out.'

(APPLAUSE)

In the build-up to the show...

You get booked
to do Strictly Come Dancing

months before they announce you.

And the whole thing is keeping
it secret. And everyone gets booked.

But they've all got to be
taken to their costume fittings,

and physio, and medicals,
and all this. So...

you get given a code name.

They operate code name system
every single year.

Every year,
the code name themes are different.

A couple of years ago,
I think it was Disney characters.

It's stuff like that. My year, I got
told all about the code name system.

And I got told
that the theme was superheroes.

I'm childish.

Quite excited. Signing off an email,
do you know what I mean?

Yeah, definitely. See you there.
Yours sincerely, The Flash.

Pow-pow!

Bit of silliness in my life. Yeah?

Found out later.

Someone was uh... Someone was Batman.

Someone was Superman.
Someone was Spider-Man.

Someone was the Hulk.
They went villains as well.

Someone was the Riddler.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

London, I shit you not...

I was...

Bananaman.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I was devastated.

Honestly, I was devas...
I got the email. I went 'Eh?!'

I went, 'Have they changed the theme?
Is it '90s cartoons?'

No. No, it's still superheroes.
What the hell?!

And I'll tell you what the hell.
My theory was...

they had no faith in me
on that show whatsoever.

My mother-in-law didn't have faith,
my wife didn't have faith,

my friends, my colleagues.
My own parents didn't have faith.

Producers have obviously gone, 'Oh,
yeah. Get him in, call him Bananaman.

He'll be in Centre Parcs
by week three, the useless twat.'

They didn't think
I'd get to the semis, eh?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you!

They didn't think
I'd get to the semis!

Day one of Strictly Come Dancing, we
all go down, meet each other, yeah?

All the celebs are meeting each other
for the first time

in this big sort of dance hall - all
get driven in in blacked-out cars.

Paparazzi outside. And it's pathetic.
It's a dance competition. Grow up.

Right? But they're like, 'Oh!'
(MIMICS CAMERAS) You all go in.

And all the celebs meet up
for the first time.

I don't know if you've ever witnessed
a bunch of celebrities

meeting each other for the first
time. It's a pretty painful ordeal.

It's a pretty disgusting occurrence.
I'll be honest with you. Right?

There's a lot of, 'Oh, my God!
We listen to your show all the time!

We love it! (SQUEALS)

Oh, my God! We've got the same agent,
but we've never met! (SQUEALS)'

But I can do it. I can do it.
I can schmooze so good...

I will make you sick in your mouths
at how I can work a room.

Not that day.
That day, I had a more important job.

I walked around that room,
celeb to celeb,

with Notes open in my iPhone.

What was your codename?

Spiderman, yeah. Class.
Cool, well done. Congratulations.

Yeah. Good stuff. Yeah.
Yeah, Chris. What was your codename?!

I got all of them on my phone.
Every single one of them.

And I went over to the Producer.
And I went, 'Hey.

Hey. Take a look at that.

Notice anything? I'll tell you
the first thing I noticed.

(SNIFFLES) You haven't even
done all the Avengers.

It's not like you ran out!

And I got Bananaman!

Explain yourself!'
And to be fair, she did.

She explained herself.
She went, 'Oh, no. No, Chris.

No, it's not like that. No. You can't
just have any cool superhero name.

So that we know who you are,

the code name has to relate to you,
or your job, in some way.'

I said, 'Aw, did no-one tell you?

I shut my fruit and veg stall
years ago.'

She went, 'No.' She explained. To be
fair, some of them were really good.

I think Mike Bushell,
who was on BBC Breakfast,

interviewed loads of people,
the Riddler. Happy days.

Kelvin Fletcher, who won it my year,
absolute beefcake.

The Hulk, makes sense.

Best one -
Will Bayley, who was on my year,

table tennis Paralympic champion
Will Bayley...

Bat...man.

Pun-arama!

But I think we can all agree
what happened here!

And I said, 'Right,
they all make sense, but why was I,

a comedian, Bananaman?'

She looked us dead in the eye
and went, 'Well, it's funny, innit?

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

You don't... You're not getting this.
You're not getting...

how debilitating it was!

Guys, I had to get on the train...

from Newcastle to London.

I had to get off
at King's Cross station,

and I had to walk with
my little suitcase to the taxi rank.

And I had to look for a bloke...

..who was holding a board...

that literally said 'Bananaman'.

And I had to go, 'That's me.'
And I had to get in his car!

And he drove me to a hotel,
20 minutes in silence.

He couldn't look at us. He moved his
mirror. Couldn't make eye contact.

I'm sure he thought he was
dropping us off to film porn!

Wasn't dropping us off to film porn,
thank God. No-one wants to see that.

He was dropping me off at the hotel
right next to BBC Studios,

because I was going on The One Show,

because me and Emma Barton
and David James,

we were the first three celebs
to get announced, on The One Show,

for Strictly Come Dancing
that year, 2019.

So I'm on my way down, and...

I get a phone call
from the people at Strictly.

And they are panicking, right?
'Chris. There's paparazzi.

They're everywhere.
They're outside the studio.

They're trying to get photos
of people coming in,

trying to break the story before
it's announced on The One Show.'

Ridiculous. 'Where are you going?
Where are you going now?'

I went, 'I'm in the car,
I'm going to my hotel.'

'Good! Do you have a cap?
Do you have a hood?'

'Yes.'
'Put them both on.

Go to that hotel, go straight to your
hotel. Don't go anywhere else, Chris.

And check in at that hotel,
very important,

check in using only...'

(LAUGHTER)

'..your code name.'

I could have wept.

It's no exaggeration
to tell you, London,

that I stood in that lobby,

preparing myself to tell
that man behind the desk...

that I was Bananaman.

I was more nervous to do that

than I would be for any dance
I ended up doing on that show.

(LAUGHTER)
I'm standing there.

The lobby is heaving.
It's a Friday afternoon in London.

Everywhere in London is heaving.
You know this. The lobby's heaving.

And what I do is... I start
to think I'll thin the herd out.

Empty the place
so I don't make as much of a scene.

I'm going,
'You go first. No, you go first.

No, you go first.'
It just kept filling up.

It just kept filling up to the point
where the guy behind the desk went,

'Sorry. Sorry. No, sir. Sir.

Sir. With the cap and the hood. Sir!

You've been waiting for so long.
Come forward. Come forward.'

(SOBS SOFTLY)

I went...

I went, 'I'm so...' (LAUGHS)

I fucking love you.

I went, 'Sorry about that.'

He went, 'It's fine.
It's fine, sir. How can I help?'

I went, 'I'm checking in.'

He went, 'Name?'

And I'm not proud of this,
right, but I went...

'You know. Do you know?

Do you know?

Please say you know.

Please. You know.

You know! Please!'

He didn't know. So...

He went, 'No.

No. Sorry, sir. Name?

Name? Just name.' I went...

(LAUGHTER)

'(WHISPERS) It's um...

(WHISPERS) ..Bananaman.'

And he went, 'Sorry?' And I went,
'I'm not saying it again.'

And I went really close to the desk,
and I went, 'Look, mate.

I'm really sorry. Read my lips.'

I went... (MOUTHING)

(MUMBLES 'BANANA' QUIETLY)

And he was going, 'What's ha...

Sir, what's happening?
What's wrong? What?'

And I went, 'Right. Come here,
come here.' And he leant in, right?

And I jumped up on to his desk.
And he went...

(YELPS) And he moved back.

And I've got my chin
over his monitor like that,

And I look down, and I saw it -
my saving grace...

the notepad and pencil
that every hotel have.

And I went, 'Yeah, can I just...
Can you give me that?

And I'll write it down.'
And I got the notepad.

And I went, 'Right.'

(SNIFFS)

And I wrote 'I...

..am...

..Bananaman.'

And I folded it, and I did
the only cool thing I did that day.

I put it down, and I, like,
James Bond slid it across his desk.

(INHALES NOISILY)

I kept my finger on it.
I went, 'Listen, I'm so sorry.

It's weird, but you'll understand.

You'll understand when you see it.
Yeah?

Don't say it.

And don't show anyone.

Type it in, give us my key,
I'll go to my room.

Pretend this didn't happen.
I'm sorry.'

And he went,
'It's fine, sir. It's fine.'

And he went like this.

And he stared at me...for so long...

..I panicked.

And once again in my life, I made
the situation a million times worse.

God's honest truth.

To this day,
I don't know why I did what I did.

He stared at us for so long,
and I stood there.

And I did this.

Why?

Why?
(APPLAUSE)

Why would anyone...?

Why would anyone
in that situation do that?

I might as well have went full-on.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!

(GULPS) Woo-o-o-oo!

Stupid prick! You stupid prick!

And to be fair to him, right?
He took it. He typed it in.

He got a bit flustered. He moved to
a different computer. He typed it in.

Looked a bit flustered,
moved to a different computer. He's
keeping it on the DL. I respect that.

And he came back, and he went,
'Sir. Sir, I'm having an issue here.

Can you please, please,

just tell me your actual name?'

I said, 'I don't know if I'm allowed,
but let us go and check.'

I went outside to get signal.

I phoned the people from Strictly,
and they kindly informed me...

that I was in the wrong hotel.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

London!

You've been amazing.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you so much for coming out.

Guys.

Thank you. Thank you for coming out.

It's always been a dream of mine
to film a special in London.

I love London so much.
I love coming here.

Tha...
This morning, Chris Ramsay said...

'Why the hell do I have to go
all the way to London

to record my stand-up special?'

(CHEERING)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

It's a massive pain in the arse.

Any city where you can
walk faster than you can drive

should be knocked down
and started again.'

Thank you very much! Good night!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

Subtitles by Sky Access Services
www.skyaccessibility.sky