Original subtitles

[Simon] Sorry, I'm late.

[Brian] I'm assuming you're a Wonder Man and not a Barnaby?

Correct.

I don't have a Doorman waiver on file for you,

so I'm gonna need you to sign this...

Assuming, of course, you don't have superpowers.

[Linda] The showrunner just called.

He's cutting your character from the show.

[Eric] What happened on American Horror Story, Simon?

[Simon] I got fired, okay?

-[Martha] Oh, no, Simon. Really? -[Simon] No, Mummi, it wasn't my fault.

[Eric] Of course, nothing is ever your fault.

[Martha] Don't upset him.

[Simon] You know I'd never work again if anyone found out.

[Trevor] What are you talking about?

Because of DeMarr "Doorman" Davis.

Sorry. Who's DeMarr "Doorman" Davis?

[♪ enchanting music playing]

[women laughing]

[laughter]

Oh, damn. Sorry. I can't let y'all in.

What? Why not?

You see, right there, it says you're from Texas.

And I heard they dance weird out there.

Yeah. We don't do none of this in LA.

♪ Woohoo ♪

♪ Do-si-do, tell your mama You're too slow ♪

-Oh, my God. -[laughing]

I think we'll be okay.

-All right. Get your ass in there, girl. -[laughing]

Don't injure yourself now, you hear? Yeehaw.

Oh, yeah. Look who's in the house.

-[DeMarr Davis] Oh, What? -There he is.

Stand back. What's up? Mr. Gad, how you doing, sir?

Mr. Gad? Come on, man.

Call me Josh or J-Gad, I'm trying to make that a thing.

-Anyways, so what's cooking tonight? -Oh, y'all gonna have fun tonight.

We got the guy from Imagine Dragons deejaying.

Radioactive most important song of the last three years, easy.

-[bodyguard] Oh, yeah. -Yep.

Listen, if things slow down out here,

why don't you come in and have a drink with me? Yeah?

-Oh, that's very nice of you. -Come here.

Mmm. That's it.

Okay. You're just gonna wear the shades in?

I don't know.

Are you really with him? 'Cause...

Next!

Seems like it was live in here. The line outside was slammed.

People went apeshit when Olaf started crowd surfing.

I bet.

Do you realize the first time I tipped you out was over three years ago?

You kidding? I've been here that long?

-Do you like working here, DeMarr? -Of course. Why you say that?

We don't normally have employees last with us this long.

It's Hollywood. Everyone's an actor or a model and, you know...

Working here is just a stepping stone.

That ain't me. I like this gig.

It's fun.

The tips are good.

I get to talk to people and be myself.

That's all I really need.

You don't meet a lot of people in this town who are happy

with where they're at.

Hold on to that.

Why wouldn't I?

Probably because you're gonna be hauling

a stinky bag of garbage in about two seconds.

-[laughs] -[grunts]

Heart-to-heart's over.

Sorry. Thank you very much.

Fun while it lasted. [groans]

Shit.

[sighs]

[closes lid]

What the hell?

[exhales]

[portals warbling]

No, no.

No!

[screams]

No!

[portal warbles]

[gasps]

[gasping]

[barks]

Chance.

-What's up, Chance? -[portal warbles]

Chance?

[distant barking]

Chance.

[barking continues]

Chance, I'm coming.

Hello?

[barking]

Hello?

Chance, come here. Come. Come here, girl.

[screams] What the hell are you doing? Get out of my apartment!

Ma'am, uh, this is a misunderstanding.

I put my hand in some goo, and all of a sudden,

my dog fell through the floor.

-Get out! -I promise I'm not breaking in.

-[yells] -[portal warbles]

-[gasps] -[glass shattering]

Whoa, I'm leaving.

Oh, no.

No.

Nah.

DeMarr, uh, you okay?

Yeah, yeah.

It's just kinda been a weird day. That's all. Sorry.

No, no, it's fine. Listen, we are totally packed tonight.

Pushing it on the fire code, so just, you know, don't let anyone else in,

-until it clears out a bit. -I got you.

-[♪ upbeat electronic music playing] -♪ Bees'll buzz ♪

♪ Kids'll blow dandelion fuzz ♪

♪ And I'll be doing whatever snow does In summer ♪

♪ A drink in my hand ♪

♪ My snow up against the burning sand ♪

♪ Prob'ly getting gorgeously tanned In summer ♪

We're melting! Melting, bitches!

♪ Summer, summer, summer ♪

♪ In summer ♪

-[crashing] -[alarms blaring]

[Bridget] What the hell was that?

[people screaming]

-[DeMarr] It's stuck! -[both grunting]

-[DeMarr] I can't get it open. -[Bridget] Keep trying.

I'm gonna call the fire department. Get that door open.

Okay. [grunting] Hold on!

[all clamoring]

[grunting]

[exhales]

[exhales slowly]

-[yells] -[people exclaim]

-[DeMarr grunts] -[woman gasps]

The door was jammed. Quick, go through me.

-What do you mean? -Go through me.

-[woman] I don't-- -What is he saying?

I think he said he wants us inside him.

Pass.

He's saying, he wants us to go through him.

Mmm-hmm...

How does-- How do I do this? Do I just enter you?

I really don't know. Really.

Uh, hold on. Just give me a second, let me...

[portal warbles]

-Now, now. -Okay.

-Ugh! -[people exclaim]

-All right. [groans] -[portal warbling]

Shit! Why am I doing this? Oh, God. Oh!

Oh, look! Look at that. There's the other side.

Oh, shit.

It works!

Everyone follow me. Exit through DeMarr.

[portal warbles]

-[groaning] -[portal warbles]

-[grunting] -[portal warbles]

Hurry! This shit ain't easy. [grunts]

[portal warbling]

[coughs]

-Hey. -Jesus!

Sorry, man. I didn't mean to scare you.

I just wanted to come out here and say thank you.

Don't sweat it. I'm sure anybody would have done that.

Are you being serious right now?

You just saved everybody's life in that building.

You just saved my life.

I gotta pay you back.

I don't need anything. I'm good.

-How about a new job? -What?

DeMarr, after what you did tonight, there's no way...

no offense, that you can go be a doorman anymore.

Come work for me. I'll put you on the payroll.

Look, Mr. J-Gad, I appreciate it, but I'm fine here.

-Got a good boss-- -Starting salary is 200K plus benefits.

-Yeah, that'll work. -Yeah.

Josh Gad is in the news again.

The Frozen star is catching fire and turning heads,

with his new superpowered personal valet.

The man in question appears to be DeMarr Davis,

former Wilcox employee,

who's affectionately been dubbed "Doorman."

He's been spotted all over town with Josh

and seemingly has the power to move himself and his boss through solid walls.

Davis recently saved a crowd

from a fire at a popular nightclub.

Now it seems he's exclusively using his talents in service of Gad.

Meanwhile, this Mormon has just Booked a new project,

an action comedy called Cash Grab.

You might say this former LeFou... is Gast-on a roll.

[♪ upbeat music plays]

Dying for some sugar.

They got some stale snickerdoodle cookies over there.

-Mmm. -But it's better to have no cookie

than to have a disappointing cookie.

-Know what I'm saying? -Huh.

Frank Preminger, Hanover Agency.

Oh, I heard of that.

-DeMarr, right? -Yeah.

-The Doorman? -Live and direct.

-Ding dong. -[laughs]

You're a funny guy.

-Thank you. -Yeah. Do you ever think about acting?

Nah. Not my thing, Frank.

Besides, who will get J-Gad his snack plate?

True. Keep it. You never know.

It's just, you know the heist is feeling flat.

Mmm-hmm, I agree. I think we need something more original.

Well, we could go back to flooding the vault.

I always liked that version.

Snatched you some crab rangoons before they got housed.

[Josh sighs]

[Chris] Or we could use liquid nitrogen to freeze the locks and shatter them.

[Leigh] The vault needs to be impenetrable.

The whole point is that this crew are the only ones on the planet

that can get in or out.

Um...

I may have something.

Look, man, I wanna help out.

But I can't act.

Who cares? I can't act.

It's never stopped me from being an actor.

We'll make sure it's only a couple of lines.

This will be easy, I'm telling you.

You know what's easy? If you bring somebody else in.

Keep the idea, a brilliant idea.

Bring in a real actor. Then you can fake it with CGI.

Yeah, but what makes it cool is that it's you.

People know who you are, and they would go crazy.

I don't know. I'm more comfortable behind the scenes.

DeMarr, there is a reason that you are making headlines.

You have something that other people just don't.

It's a... a charisma, a charm.

On top of all of that, you can become a door.

It is not every day that an opportunity like this just falls into your lap.

You do realize that, right?

-All right. -Yeah.

All right.

It's gonna be great.

[clangs]

Vamos a la playa, amigos.

We've been training ten years for this.

And now we've only got 30 seconds to grab some cash.

[man yells] Oh, shit. No! We're trapped.

[both grunting]

I knew you'd trip the silent alarm.

What difference does it make? We're all gonna die.

Hey, keep it together, you two.

Why, Jake? It's time to panic.

I wouldn't be so sure about that.

[portal warbles]

Ding-dong, motherfu--

-[all cheering] -[man] Doorman!

[all chanting] Doorman, Doorman, Doorman!

What did I tell you, huh?

They love you.

[narrator] And things get a little crazy on this week's Murphy Family.

When special guest DeMarr "Doorman" Davis comes a-knockin'.

-[doorbell dings] -[portal warbles]

There's the door... man.

[live audience laughs]

Where is that thing?

I'm so embarrassed. Oh, hold on. I got this.

[portal warbles]

[audience cheering]

Ding-dong, babies! Ding to the dong!

[narrator] The people are real, the rulings are real.

And this week's guest judge isn't afraid to tell it like it is.

Ding-dong. I said ding-dong! You ding-dongs!

-I am a big fan. -You want a pic?

Okay.

[laughs]

I remember this place.

Dang, girl, you done got fine. What's up?

Yo! Mind if I come in for a drink?

Oh, of course, Mr. Doorman. Please, head right in.

[DeMarr] Yeah.

Oh, if things quiet down, why don't you come and have a drink with us?

Oh, I'd love that. Thank you.

[clicks tongue] Ding-dong.

[chuckles] Ding-dong.

♪ Dance, dance, dance, dance ♪

♪ You'll be dancing like a star In Hollywood ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ You'll be dancing like a star In Hollywood ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ Holly-Hollywood, Holly-Hollywood ♪

[whoops]

[all cheering]

Yeah!

Is there a celebrity in here that used to be my employee?

Oh, Bridget, what's up, girl?

Bridget! Yo, what's goin' on?

Wow.

-Y'all, this is Bridget Bailey. -Yeah.

-The number-one club owner in LA... -[Bridget] Hey.

-And an amazing boss. -Hey. I like that.

Wow. Look at you.

-You look great. -Thank you.

-I heard you got a movie out. -Ding-dong.

I'm sorry, I haven't seen it yet.

-Oh, don't worry about it. -[Bridget] Yet.

-How are you doing? -[Bridget] Me?

-Yeah. -You know, same old, same old.

So, uh...

You happy?

Damn straight.

I just got off the phone with my agent, and he told me he landed me a huge,

-huge commercial contract. -Wow.

Life's about to change.

What the hell?

"Wouldn't 'knock-knock' make more sense as a catchphrase?"

That's a good one, Samuel.

Hmm. Mark that one.

"Please tell me when his fifteen minutes are up."

"Getting real tired of this Ding Dong business."

"Some fools are hating, but Doorman still makes me smile."

Thank you.

[knock on door]

I'll come grab you in a bit for rehearsal. Let me know if you need anything else.

Will do.

Oh, maybe some ice for the water.

Or, I can go to town with this brown.

Doorman. Yo, this is crazy. I'm such a huge fan, bro.

-Good to meet you, bro. I appreciate that. -Yeah.

So, hey, look I was looking over the pages--

Yo, man, we wrote that at three o' clock in the morning, man.

-Go easy on me. -No, no, it ain't that. It's just...

I'm-- I'm a little nervous about the bit.

Don't sweat it. People love when you can poke a little fun

at yourself, man. Trust me.

-Okay, cool. -Okay.

-I gotta get back out to rehearsal. -All right.

-See you out there? -For sure.

[people cheering, applauding]

Hey! [laughing]

Hey, what's up, y'all? It's me.

D-list actor and literal door, DeMarr Davis aka "Doorman!"

And welcome to Ding-Dong Tonight.

-[laughing] -[audience cheer]

[coughs, groaning]

I'm a little thirsty. A little thirsty.

See what I can--

[grunting]

Oh!

[audience laughs]

Tastes like door. A-ding-dong!

[laughter]

What else I got up in here?

Oh! Whoa!

My mixtape. That's my mixtape. I've been looking for this.

[laughs] Ding-Dong!

Oh!

I call this, the go-long-ding-dong.

[laughter, applause]

[female singers] ♪ Ding ding dong ♪

♪ Ding ding ding ding ding dong ♪

Oh, snap. Oh, look at this.

♪ Ding ding ding ding ding dong ♪

Oh. What's up, DeMarr?

Man, what are you doing here?

I thought you was hiding out from the IRS.

[laughter]

Earl, come on, you gotta cool it with those rumors...

and that impression.

"Ding-dong." I mean, who is that? That's not me, is it?

I mean, I'm much more than just a catchphrase.

You know, Earl, a lot of people don't realize

that I've been taking acting classes at the Stella Adler Academy.

-Really? -Yeah.

Well, let's see some of that training.

[audience cheer]

[portal warbles]

"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite..."

ding-dongs.

[all laughing, cheering]

With my diet, sometimes I have trouble getting things to move through me.

Try Expellax. It'll have your insides as insubstantial as mine.

[woman] Doorman, boundaries.

Ding-dong.

Expellax, in new black cherry flavor.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Sure you don't wanna slow down there, pal?

You're an hour late.

Well, I'm here now.

-What do you want to talk about? -Expellax.

They said the campaign would be smart and elevated,

like Seinfeld and American Express. But these...

Yeah, about that.

Ogilvy's cutting the contract short.

They just feel the joke's a little...

stale.

Exactly. That's why we need to come up with some new ideas.

-Let me pitch you-- -It's too late, DeMarr.

They already signed Michael Strahan. So...

-Strahan? -Yeah.

That don't even make sense. He's just a normal guy.

He is charming AF, and apparently suffers from chronic constipation.

Damn. [sighs]

Can we fight this? I mean, we got a contract, right?

I don't think we wanna take on a huge advertising agency.

Things are getting pretty tight.

Behind on car payments and a few other things.

Oh, come on, DeMarr, you gotta be more careful with your money.

You know how this business works.

You can't count on the next paycheck until it's in your hands.

You've never said that.

I'm saying it now.

You don't have any other superpowers you didn't tell me about, right?

Just the door thing.

Cool.

Okay, well, look, this is a dip.

This is a tiny little dip, and we're gonna get back on top.

We're gonna get you something better. Something... smart and elevated.

Trust me.

That's right. This? You don't even need this no more.

This is a drum. 'Cause with the Potato Bag,

your potatoes will come fluffy on the inside and chewy on the outside.

Why juggle a tough schedule when you can just use the Potato Bag?

Just drop it and plop it in the microwave.

-You hear that sound? -[oven beeping]

I think the potatoes just said "ding-dong."

Ooh!

Well, looks like Doorman is back in the news.

Only this time, the overnight success finds himself in a bit of hot water.

Steam might be more accurate.

DeMarr Davis has been hit with several lawsuits

over his involvement in the Potato Bag product,

which has been found to cause severe steam burns.

Ouch.

Hey, Doorknobs. I just wanted to get on today

just to let you know that I'm sorry to the hundreds of you

who experienced steam burns from using the Potato Bag.

I want you to know that I'm in full support

of the class action lawsuit

and that I, too, was misled

by Food America Product Incorporated.

I think, at this moment, I need to take some time to step away

and really reflect on where all this is going for me and for you.

So stay supportive, and I will stay supporting you. Keep knocking.

Shit.

[phone vibrating]

-Oh, shit. -[Josh] There's my best friend.

-I miss you, man. -[Josh] I miss you more.

Guess what, though? Studio wants Cash Grab Two.

-Really? -[Josh] Hell yeah.

You bullshitting.

[Josh] No, man. We're getting the band back together. You in?

Of course. I'm in.

[Josh] Ah, beautiful, man.

-Let's do it. -[Josh] Yeah?

-Hell yeah. -[Josh] Amazing.

-[Josh] All right, I'll be in touch, bud. -All right.

[call ends]

[sighs]

Thank you. Thank you.

Don't mess this up. Don't mess this up.

[♪ tense music playing]

[people whispering]

[voice] Ding-dong.

[yelling]

[woman] They're inviting you to set, again.

I'm coming.

[woman] DeMarr?

Go ahead.

[groans]

Oh, shit.

...Cash Grab Two apart is upping our game on the stunts.

Hey, you're that Incredible Hulk, huh? You ain't that tall.

DeMarr, you're all right with that, right? The stunts?

Of course. Me and Tom Cruise, we do our own stunts, baby.

-[imitates fighting] -DeMarr-- DeMarr, you good, bud?

-Yeah. I'm good to go. -Okay.

G-T-G.

-[man] A mark. -[woman] B mark.

[director] And action!

We only get one shot at this, Gustavo. You ready?

Always, Jake.

[chuckles softly]

[woman] We're in position.

-They're in place. -Okay. Yeah.

Here we go.

[portal warbles]

-[grunts] -[stomach gurgling]

[panting]

-[grunting, blows raspberry] -[portal warbles]

[stomach gurgling]

[panting]

[blows raspberry]

[Josh] I'm going through.

All right.

[groaning]

[man] Where is he?

[woman] He didn't come out.

[gasping]

J-Gad!

[sound stage bell rings]

J...

[gasps]

[gasps]

[Mario Lopez] Where is Josh Gad?

The world wants to know.

It's been months since he disappeared inside DeMarr Davis,

and the Department of Damage Control is still searching for answers.

We want to assure the American public

that the Department takes this horrific incident seriously.

DeMarr Davis will be continually monitored for the rest of his life.

We will do everything in our power

to ensure a tragedy of this magnitude never happens again.

[Mario Lopez] While the DODC continues to probe, experiment, and investigate

every inch of DeMarr Davis, Hollywood is now waiting.

Every major studio in Hollywood is doing their part

to avoid another possible tragedy.

They're calling it "The Doorman Clause."

Going forward, it will be nearly impossible

for superpowered individuals to perform in major motion picture or TV roles.

The insurance required now, astronomical.

[woman] Everything okay?

Hmm?

Is it bad news?

Oh. No, it's... it's good.

It's all good.

[sighs]

[♪ upbeat country song playing, Dolly Parton "The Johnny Carson Show"]

♪ I have come a long way From the hills of Tennessee ♪

♪ And I've worked hard to make The folks back home real proud of me ♪

♪ Now everybody knows my name No matter where I go ♪

♪ But I never really made it till The Johnny Carson Show ♪

[audience cheer]

♪ Now I have dreamed of stardom Since I was just a kid ♪

♪ And me 'n' Dollar dreamed beneath This thirteen dollar wig ♪

♪ In my bell-bottom jumpsuits With my rhinestones all aglow ♪

♪ I became an overnight success From The Johnny Carson Show ♪

♪ From polyester paradise To silk and satin frills ♪

♪ From a forty-eight foot mobile home To a mansion on the hill ♪

♪ From moonshine to rare wine From a Packard to a Rolls ♪

♪ But I'd never really made it till The Johnny Carson Show ♪

♪ Now there's only one small problem Sometimes I get disturbed ♪

♪ Folks sometimes get me confused With Monti Rock the third ♪

♪ But still I think it's worth it And I just thought you should know ♪

♪ That I'll always owe a special thanks To The Johnny Carson Show ♪

♪ I went from pop beads to diamonds From car coats to fur ♪

♪ From K-Mart to Guccis From here no tellin' where ♪

♪ From Hillbilly Heaven To a penthouse on the coast ♪

♪ But I never really made it till The Johnny Carson Show ♪

[audience cheering, applauding]

[♪ upbeat electronic music playing]

[Josh] ♪ Sometimes, I like to close my eyes ♪

♪ And imagine what it'd be like When summer does come, ah ♪

♪ Bees'll buzz Kids'll blow dandelion fuzz ♪

♪ And I'll be doing whatever snow does In summer ♪

♪ A drink in my hand My snow up against the burning sand ♪

♪ Prob'ly getting gorgeously tanned In summer ♪

♪ I'll finally see a summer breeze, Blow away a winter storm ♪

♪ And find out what happens To solid water when it gets warm ♪

♪ And I can't wait to see What my buddies all think of me ♪

♪ Just imagine how much cooler I'll be in summer ♪

♪ Summer, summer, summer Summer summer, summer ♪

♪ In summer ♪

♪ In summer ♪

♪ Bad-dah, da-doo, Uh-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-boo ♪

♪ The hot and the cold are both so intense Put 'em together, it just makes sense ♪

♪ Rrrat, dah-dah, dah-dah Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-doo ♪

♪ Winter's a good time to stay in And cuddle ♪

♪ But put me in summer and I'll be a... ♪

♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy Happy, happy, snowman ♪

♪ Happy, happy, snowman ♪

♪ Happy snowman ♪

[distorted] ♪ Happy snowman ♪

[in normal voice] ♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy snowman ♪

[distorted] ♪ Happy snowman ♪

[in normal voice] ♪ Happy, happy... ♪

[distorted] ♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy snowman ♪

[in normal voice] ♪ Snowman, snowman ♪

♪ Winter's a good time to stay in And cuddle ♪

[distorted] ♪ Winter's a good time to Stay in and cuddle ♪

[in normal voice] ♪ Winter's a good time... ♪

♪ Winter's a good time to Cuddle, cuddle, cuddle ♪

-♪ In summer ♪ -♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy ♪

♪ Snowman ♪

♪ In summer ♪

[music stops]