Original subtitles

Well, once upon a time in the West, there was a dude, the dude, by the name

Jeff Lebowski.

If ever there was a man to come out of Hollywood that was a product of his

generation, his landscape, loose women, and his enormous bowling balls,

then it was Jeff Lebowski.

At least, that's what his parents called him.

But he just went by the name, the dude.

Sure. Down in my neck of the ranch, the dude could pass as the name of a gay

dance club in downtown Amarillo.

But in this case, the farthest case from the case, it's not.

The dude was a man, a man who seemed to have everything that he needed, or at

least he tolerated everything that he lazily came across.

In this way, the dude abides.

But then again, if you had a gift like the dude had, you would have probably

abided too.

You see, the dude was a laid -back fella, mainly because of his large size

his... How do I say this, Dr. Gerson? You see, the dude had an extremely large

Johnson, and despite there being other folks by the name of Lebowski out there,

some handsomer, some more bearded, some fatter, and some more crippled, the dude

was actually the biggest Lebowski you'd ever seen.

Los Angeles.

The city that the last action hero protects.

The city that was all smoke and mirrors, but sent the smoke a -riding off to Las

Vegas for the 9 -20 David Copperfield show, and kept the mirrors so that it

admire itself naked a little before its Gamora -esque end.

Well, maybe the good folks that live in the smog will keep it from turning into

a pillar of salt.

But then again, I've never traveled around the world in 80 days.

In fact, it dates 16 ,425.

I've only left Texas twice.

Well, maybe all that I've ever had to witness was the dude, his extremely

genitalia, and a parody of the funniest movie ever made about the dude.

And it all took place in Los Angeles in the early 90s, when M .C. Hammer was

just running out of sparkly parachute pants, and TGIF meant something more

a place that served tater skins.

Bunny said you got the money. Where is it, Lebowski?

Where's the dough, Lebowski?

Come on, Bunny said you're good for it, Lebowski.

We got our knife, Peabrain. Where's the dough?

This toilet -grounding aggression will not stand, man.

What?

I don't care how big you are. There ain't nobody bigger than Jackie

And your wife owes him big money.

Which means you owe him big money.

You just messed with the wrong fuckers Lebowski.

Oh man, come on.

the tape out from under your ass.

Adult cinema, man.

Couldn't you just come on the rug instead?

Do you like that show, Lebowski?

You see what happens when you fuck with Jackie Treehorn?

We fuck with you.

Actually, it looks like you fuck with her, but I guess when it comes to coming

on my tapes, it's all semantics.

And why do you keep calling me Lebowski? I'm not Lebowski.

I'm the dude.

Whatever, Lebowski. Take it up with the big guy your wife owes money to.

My wife?

My fucking wife?

Do I look married to you?

The scene is up.

Your friend just splooshed all over my porno library, which I keep out in the

open. See?

Cockfighting slut from Barstow, number 64.

Fuck me before my pussy falls off, number 43.

Look who's cocking.

Bullying whore 17.

Law jamming.

Guess how it goes, Sel.

Clearly it's the cock warmer for you and two of your tiny friends.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Hey, Betty.

What? You sure this is the guy Bunny said was supposed to be loaded?

Oh, shit.

Crap.

What do you think?

I think he's a fucking unemployed hippie.

Disgraceful.

A big unemployed hippie. Hey, man. You come into my fucking house and soil my

dirty movies like a marmot in heat, and I'm a fucking disgrace?

Bum.

Thanks for wasting our time, you big dick.

Knocking down those pins tonight like they were cocks.

Mark it, dude.

Those are your tapes.

Yeah, they really tied my porn collection together, man.

Those were your tapes, dude.

What'd they really do, dude?

Donnie, what the fuck?

What the fuck what? Donnie, what the fuck were you doing when the dude was

telling the story?

I was knocking down pins like they were cocks.

Yeah, but you used that analogy already.

Walter. What? Walter. What?

What are you getting at, Walter? What I'm talking about is those hardcore VHS

tapes that really tied your collection together. And these motherfucking, these

motherfucking... Your porn collection, dude? My tapes.

Donnie, you are out of your element.

Dude, they came on your goddamn pornos.

What am I supposed to do, Walter?

And Orient will splooge all my tapes.

How do I track them down for a bill? Call the Orient until they pick up the

phone?

Fucking A, Walter.

Fucking A, dude. And this aggression and, you know, splooge is still a bit

taboo. You might want to use a more preferred term like spook, gook, goop,

In and out.

Shut the fuck up, Donnie. This isn't Amsterdam. There are rules in court.

We're not talking about an editorial for Kinsey Cordley magazine.

This is a white stain on my new hardcore tape.

A white stain, dude? Donnie, you are out of your element.

And the splooge is the element.

And it's not who made it, but it was who the Oriental cock in question was aimed

at. It was aimed at the girl on the tape, right, dude?

Shut the fuck up, Donnie.

But who was it aimed at? The other Jeffrey Lebowski. The rich one.

You can find him, no problem. And he's as rich as everybody says he is. He's

one that Johnson was aimed at.

Johnson? Johnson?

And his wife owes the money. Not you.

Not me.

Yep.

That's right, dude.

You find this guy and your splooge stain problem will be removed.

So we find this rich Lebowski, cocks are flying tonight, and get him to clean or

replace my movie collection.

Plus any splashback that landed on my rug.

Splooge on your fucking pornos, dude.

As well as Mr.

Lebowski's many crowning achievements.

Ah, yes, and this is the key to the city of Chatsworth.

Given to Mr. Lebowski just two years ago in recognition of his 12 ,000th beta

video porno purchase.

Beta? Really?

Yes, beta, really. Mr. Lebowski believes that beta will be making a comeback as

well as soon as his ability opens. Is this him with Urkel?

Yes, it is him with Urkel, sir.

And that's Mr. Lebowski on the right.

Yes, that is correct. That is Mr.

Lebowski to the right, and this black, dorky -looking gentleman is Mr. Urkel.

Oh, he's a cripple, huh?

Mr. Urkel, no. Mr. Lebowski, however, and we prefer the term erectly

dysfunctional. This photo was taken during a live taping of TGIF.

Mr. Lebowski was fortunate enough to meet Belki, but unfortunately for Mr.

Lebowski, Belki only allows this photo to be taken with his question there.

Urkel's pretty good.

Yes, Urkel's question is amazing.

Amazing TV star. I'm sure future TV viewing will be very flattering for him.

the fuck are they? They are Mr.

Lebowski's achievers.

I bet they achieve all right.

No, I don't think you understand. I bet they help him achieve an orgasm.

They're not floozies that Mr.

Lebowski canoodles with. These girls are underprivileged college schoolgirls.

Uh -huh.

I don't think you understand.

He sent these girls to college to pay their tuition and pee.

Yeah, but they're still sexy little schoolgirls, aren't they?

No, I'm sure he's never.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I forgot that whole erection.

Erectile dysfunctional, yes.

Yeah, well, you know what? If they need help in that department, you tell them

to call me and I'll educate them on sucking and fucking the dude who's big

Sir, I'm sure that... Why don't you just take some bullying?

Oh, my.

You know, a bullying scholarship in this day and age would...

Professional bullying being what it is.

Hmm.

So.

You have a VHS porn collection.

And it got inseminated on by some Orientals.

Lots of porn is inseminated on in that part of the world.

Typically, it's pixelated.

I'm not going to waste my time today, sir, teaching you about Japanese

So those poro tapes included a brand new VHS copy of

Fuck Me Before My Pussy Falls Out, number 64.

And the rest was prized jerk -off material.

VHS tapes do not impress me, sir.

Yeah, and there may have been some jism splashback on my rug.

Yes, yes.

You got some ejaculate on your VHS tapes.

So what?

Everybody knows beta's the wave of the future.

But they came on my tapes. Did I ejaculate on your tapes? No, clearly you

because you have that erectly defuncted thing going on.

So, how does one jump from an oriental couple leaves sex stains on your VHS

tapes to the man with the money owes you something for free? I'm not trying to

get something for free.

And it was just one oriental. Are you employed, Mr. Lebowski?

Does watching porn and bowling count?

Wait, let's get something straight. I'm not Mr.

Lebowski. You're Mr.

Lebowski. I'm the dude.

So that's what you call me.

That or Mr.

Porno Collection, the VHS dude, Dirty Duder, El Senior

Pornographica?

You don't go around looking for a job dressed like that, do you, sir? Looking

like you follow fish on tour in the middle of the day?

Is it lunchtime already?

What are you guys having?

Sandwiches?

I have an incredible beta collection out back that needs alphabetizing, so if

you don't mind... No, do definitely mind.

This VHS aggression will not stand, man.

I mean, your wife clearly owes money to someone who likes to fuck up people's

personal VHS porn movies.

My wife, sir, you will not mention in my presence. I do hope that's abundantly

clear. Yes, she has some problems. Between you and I, she borrows just a

too much money. But that's not my problem and certainly not your problem,

hope that is clear to you. We don't pass blame around like some hippie circle

jerk lube. Oh, no, we certainly do not. I do not blame those Orientals in

Vietnam for splooching all over me.

and causing me my erectile dysfunction.

No, sir. And you, sir, must take blame for your own splooge stains.

Dear God.

Forget about it.

That's right. Head on home to more of your unemployed rituals.

Like jacking off to more parody porn, perhaps?

Or smoking a bomb so you can forget about all your responsibilities?

Yeah, nothing but a bomb.

Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski.

Condolences from Beta Tapes.

VHS lost.

How did the meeting go?

Great. The old man told me to take any porno in the house.

And none of that Beta shit.

VHS only.

Thank you for coming by, dude.

Yeah, I'll stop by next time I'm in the neighborhood.

Or if I ever need a giant house.

Are you a

towman? I saw your pile of moving.

Do you have a copy of Fletcher starring Bustam Hoffman?

Oh, yeah.

I guess I'm into feet.

Or anything else attached to an attractive young lady.

About bad debt being in the band?

Never mind.

Are you going to blow my cup? I drank with them.

Our guest doesn't have time for any blowing, Mrs. Lebowski.

Mrs. Lebowski? Oh, you meant to be Bunny.

For $1 ,000, I'll blow you like a French horn.

You mean oral corded?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Funny and a fabulous joke.

It'll be a hundred extra rounds.

One thousand one hundred

dollars.

I'm all about it.

Yes, we're getting there.

Wow, you are really big.

It's bigger.

Thank you.

Okay.

Hi.

Those tips are not a problem.

Just please call me back and I will send the limo for you.

So, continue the story, dude.

So there's this cripple Lebowski's wife, Bonnie, and she's been kidnapped.

Yep. And they want you to make a ransom payment of a million dollars because

they think it's the same guys who ejaculated on your tapes?

Fuckin' A.

Who do you think I can identify them?

Are you gonna get some dough for this deed?

Yeah.

I don't even have to give back the porn tapes.

As you shouldn't.

And the guy's gonna give me 20 grand, man.

Wow, he said that?

Yeah.

He even gave the dirty dooder this pager so they can page him when it's time to

hand out the bread to the kidnappers.

Well, what if it's on Shomer Shabbos?

Hey, what's, uh, Shomer Shabbos?

Kidnapping plots. Do not start and stop at your convenience, you miserable

Johnson.

Dude, what's a Johnson?

Anyway, she probably kidnapped herself.

Huh?

What the fuck's he talking about, Walter?

Young hot wife plus rich cripple guy equals trophy wife.

Am I wrong?

Fucking A, dude.

Fucking A.

Those motherfuckers. There were girls like this all over the Mekong Delta, and

they would go out, find guys with money, and leech on until they were bled dry.

You were prostitutes, Walter.

You took some Vietnam hooker during the war, and now you're trying to compare it

to the kidnapping.

Dude, you know, hooker is not the preferred nomenclature.

Fucking Jesus Quintana.

Motherfucking good fucking roller, man.

Yeah, but he's a sodomizer, dude.

Huh? Really.

Certified sodomizer.

Bowling League and Chino threw him out because he was having anal sex with the

league commissioner's wife in his very own trophy room.

You want to fuck with the Jesus?

yeah who is walter the uh battle about the or the guy that watched the dude get

a bj shut the fuck up donnie

All right.

oh oh oh

Oh, Jesus.

Are you ready to be fucked up the ass, man?

I hear you rolled your ways into the finals.

Me and Liam are gonna rape your asses all over the alley.

Yeah?

Well, that's just, you know, like your opinion, man.

And let me tell you something, Gordo.

You try to whip your dick out with me on one of our games?

I take that shit from you and I fuck you in your own ass with it until it goes

pop.

Jesus.

Jesus? That's right, man.

Nobody fucks with the Jesus unless they want it in a culo.

Come on, Leon.

Fucking sodomizer, dude.

Who will stop me? You and what army?

George loves Bush.

My big gun's gonna do it.

Well, I've seen the power of your Norman Schwarzkopf, and I'm prepared to fight

you in any battle you challenge me in.

Well, I challenge you to a gulp war.

Ugh, a gulp war?

What is this you speak of? The rules are simple.

We're gonna stick our missiles down this girl's throat.

Until she goes gold. And then, we have a fuck -off to see who wins.

I accept your challenge, George Lovesbush.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

yeah. Yeah.

Oh. Oh.

Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Oh, fuck.

oh oh

oh

Please talk to my rival now.

What can I say?

Better than all my help.

This slide is for Iraq.

Well, the dude was out like a light.

He was about to enjoy a dream that I bet you would enjoy if you'd dreamt it.

In fact, I kind of think I'm going to go home and enjoy this dream now.

Hope it doesn't have any cursing in it.

Oh, and by the way, before you start getting all your panties in a bunch,

the girls and dudes dream get the panties off, like a nihilist missing a

turning as she attempts to walk straight, sometimes stories that you

unexpected turns.

So for now, forget about botched handoffs, henchmen hiring pornographers,

the Eagles. And just abide, dudes.

Abide.

Oh yeah.

Let me just use your feet.

Aw, you dirty girl. You dirty girl.

Oh my God.

Try to whip your dick out with me on one of our games? I take that shit from you

and I fuck you in your own ass with it until it goes pop. Until it goes pop.

Fuck tapes.

Oh, my fucking fuck tapes.

Is that my robe?

Hello, Mr. Lebowski.

My name is Ma Lebowski, and I'm the one who took your coitus tape.

Coitus? I'm sorry for that knock on the jaw, but I had to make sure you were not

going to stop me from taking back my tape.

Your tape?

Yes.

They were a gift from my mother.

And they were not my father's to give.

Hold on, let me explain something about those tapes.

Those tapes are... Would you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?

You mean the physical act of love?

Yes, I would like some too. But first, I have something very important to show

you.

I know that my father hired you to deliver the ransom for my stepmother,

Oh yeah?

Yes. She is a nymphomaniac.

Whereas we would like to have sex, she would like to have sex all the time.

Oh yeah?

Yes.

Bunny Lebowski is what we call in the art world a harlot, a slut, a cock

-craving leg -spritter.

Oh no.

Oh yes.

She is a whore.

You mean a cock... Craving legs better?

Let me show you what I mean.

Hi. Hello.

My name is Petra. Is there something wrong with my cover?

Yeah, come on in.

I'm not really sure exactly what's really wrong with the cable.

That's why they sent me.

I'm an expert.

TV's in here.

Ah.

Where's my tools?

That's my friend Sherry. She just came over to use the shower.

My name is Carl.

I'm an expert.

Oh, you must be here to fix the table.

It's really hard for me to work in the clothes.

It's really hard to watch you work in those clothes.

I think I should take mine off, too.

I don't want to wear any clothes. I'm so hot.

You know what?

To fix the cable, I have to hardwire you two first.

Lay down the key.

Oh, hell no!

That guy's a really good cable repairman.

Jeffrey, Bunny was definitely not kidnapped.

She's a cheap floozy and not an expensive ransom.

Wait a minute. I thought your father was loaded.

My father took that money from the Lebowski Achievers Foundation.

Oh, no.

Not the hot college schoolgirls.

Yes. The Lebowski Achievers Foundation.

Which I am the other trustee. He took that money in order to free her, but it

not his money to take.

Why didn't he just take the money from his own account, man?

Because he does not have the money in his account.

Jeffrey, I want to make your jaw feel better.

I have a method that is good and thorough.

You know, I appreciate it, but it's cool.

My method is good and thorough.

I'm good.

Good and thorough.

Fine. What is it?

Love me.

Oh.

Thank you.

Don't be presumptuous.

This condition is strongly vaginal.

Good.

Yes! More!

You have some pain for me?

I mean,

fuck me, Jeffrey.

Fuck me, Jeffrey.

Put it back in. Don't take it out. No.

Don't take your cock out of me.

Oh,

Jeffrey.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Excuse me, Jeffrey.

Excuse me.

Oh, yeah.

That was pretty fucking good and thorough, Maude.

Like a great credence tape.

Why, thank you, Jeffrey.

Dude. Dude.

So you were saying earlier, before... Your big Lebowski entered my vagina?

Yeah. But you said your father had no money.

Right.

I give him a monthly allowance, but as you've seen, his lavish lifestyle

it up quite thoroughly.

What? So your father... Oh, shit. I get it now.

What do you get, Jeffrey?

Dude.

Dude!

She never was kidnapped.

Where's the money Lebowski?

Poor bloody little college chick. You are some piece of work.

You never intended to give us a briefcase full of money because you kept

money and filled the ransom case full of your dirty fucking underwear. Isn't

that right, Lebowski?

Maybe, but maybe not.

You'll never know. You know why?

Because you're a bum.

I'm a bum? He's a bum? Shut the fuck up, Lebowski.

You're broke, man.

Broke enough to fake a ransom payment, keep the money and try to set me up, and

I'm the bum?

You're really fucking lucky we didn't cover that part of the original movie,

people would really see what a jerk you are.

Why don't you get out of my house? You know, if this guy's pretending to be a

millionaire, I bet you this guy's pretending to have erectile dysfunction.

I've seen plenty of guys have their balls shot off in Vietnam, and this guy

not look like one of them.

This guy can get a boner, I'm 100 % certain.

That's it, grind him.

Grind him?

Okay. Now bounce up and down a little lap, put his hands on your tits.

Like that.

All right. You know, a few more sexes and this is going to be harder than

oriental arithmetic.

Walter!

Now bend over, show him the moneymaker.

Walter, the guy's a fucking cripple.

Like that, just like that.

That's it.

All right.

Now, up, baby, show me!

Soft Johnson.

Dude, listen, we're really sorry.

Yeah, yeah, you're sorry.

What? Jeff, you're nihilist. You don't care about nobody or nothing. Just go.

Go! Yeah, I really thought he was faking it.

Sorry, man.

Dude,

I really thought he was faking it.

Okay, let's go bowling.

You again. Get the fuck away from me.

Two brews, Gary.

You got it, dude.

Howdy.

Congratulations on making the semifinals there, dude.

Hey, thanks, man.

Thanks.

Good seeing you again, stranger.

Good seeing you again, too, dude.

Good luck out there.

Yeah, well, you know, the dude abide.

My life is two dames and games, I guess.

There's comfort to be found in the dude's words.

And I rather enjoyed that.

Especially the part with the sexual situations.

Now, I don't care much for cursing.

But I do enjoy seeing a hot little girl pounded by a huge rod.

And I felted it.

Help make up for parts we didn't show you, like the Creedence music or the

with Walter in the restaurant hooping and hollering. But if not, well, I guess

that's why God made sequels.

Shucks. Look at me spouting.

Best stop talking before Malfa gets too tired to enjoy this delicious

jasperilla.

Here's to seeing you achievers.