Original subtitles

I can't believe it's Tabitha's first birthday.

Seems like she was just born yesterday.

Our birthday girl is one?

Pretty sure she's going to be going off to college and getting married.

Now, dear, we don't have to worry about that for a really long time.

I suppose you're right.

Now, Aunt Clara will be here in a few minutes to babysit while I go to the

store.

I don't feel real comfortable about leaving a little Tabitha alone with Aunt

Clara. Now, Dean, what in the world could happen?

I know Aunt Clara can be a little forgetful at times, but it's only

Nothing's going to happen. Besides, I'll only be gone for a few hours getting

party supplies.

I guess you're right.

Tabitha will be just fine with Aunt Clara.

Oh, that reminds me. The bakery said her cake won't be ready until this evening.

Could you be a dear and pick it up on the way home? I just hope Larry doesn't

keep me late with this new ad campaign.

Good heavens, sweetheart.

Just tell him it's Tabitha's birthday party.

I'll do my best, honey.

Thanks for popping in, Aunt Clara.

We do have a doorbell.

How are you, Dragwood? I mean, Darren.

Tabitha will be so happy to see you.

How's my little angel?

She's in the playpen.

Now you take good care of Tabitha.

And no magic, okay?

Of course.

I wouldn't even think about it.

Have a nice day at the office and hurry home.

Goodbye, ladies.

Goodbye.

Oh, Tabitha, that's a good girl.

Now, Aunt Clara, are you sure you're going to be okay while I go shopping?

Of course, dear. Don't be silly.

You know, Samantha, Tabitha is so... much prettier than the baby food model.

She could be a model.

No way.

You know how Darren feels about his daughter being in show business.

Maybe when she's 18, but knowing Darren not a single minute before.

Yes.

Now, I'll be back in a couple hours, and then we'll set up everything for the

birthday party.

Really, Sam?

How much longer are you going to live like a mortal?

Now, Mother...

We could have this place decorated in two seconds.

No witchcraft, Mother. You know how Darren feels about witchcraft in the

Why must you mention Durwood's name?

Spoil my day.

You know perfectly well his name is Darren, Mother.

You will be at Tabitha's party tonight, right? I wouldn't miss it for the world.

But I have lunch with Henri at the Eiffel Tower.

Mustn't be late.

Ta -ta.

Bye, Mother. Thanks for stopping by.

Now I'll be back in a couple hours. Make sure everything's okay.

Okay.

Now,

Darren, this campaign is very important for the company.

I need you to turn in your best work and really impress the clients, even if you

have to work late.

Yes, Larry, but tonight is a very special night for Sam and I. You see,

Tabitha's having her... Very first birthday, and we're having a little

party. Oh, a party. You know I love parties.

But there'll be plenty of birthdays for you to celebrate before she turns 18.

Darren, I need your attention here at work so we can land the campaign. Do you

understand?

Yes, I understand, Larry. Very good.

Darren,

come with me. Come with me.

Did you see the new model we just hired?

Gorgeous.

and I heard she's a little frisky, too.

Are you out of your mind, Larry?

She's the cat meow.

Oh, God, look at that beautiful brunette hair.

God, I wish Louise looked that good.

And she's getting a little frisky with a male model.

I got it.

Why don't we invite him to come out tonight with us with the clients for

cocktails, and that way we'll seal the deal for sure.

I don't know.

Great!

I'll come over to the house tonight for Tabitha's little birthday party, and

then we'll go out and paint the town.

You're such a cute baby.

You're going to be a beautiful star, just like Annette

Bonichetto. I wonder what you're going to look like when you turn 18.

Take good care of Tabitha, and no magic.

Of course.

What your father doesn't know can't possibly hurt him.

Let's have a little fun and see.

Ick a hub, ick a hive.

Lizard's skin, leopard's hide.

One to watch, one to jive.

Let's see Tabitha with an 18 -year -old vibe.

Oh, dear.

What have I done?

when you turn 18.

You mean I'm 18?

Awesome! Yeah.

Awesome.

Where's Mommy and Daddy?

Your Mommy and Daddy are going to kill me.

I've got to reverse this spell.

I've got to.

No, no, don't reverse it. I love being 18.

Did you hear that big noise, Abner? I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

Very nice, Gladys. You did good.

Abner, are you listening to a single word I'm saying?

Of course, honey. And I suppose little green men are parking their spaceship

over in the driveway.

Infant vibe.

Did it work?

Okay, okay.

I think... Okay, let's try it again. Let's try it again.

Let's take Tabitha back to her sweet old vibe.

Nothing.

Great.

Groovy. Dear God.

What is groovy? You know.

I can drive a car.

I can go on dates and go to parties. I can have sex!

Have sex? That's a dumb... I have to say this.

Okay, um, your mother's going to be home any minute. You have to hide. Well,

I'll figure out what I'm going to say. You have to.

What do you mean you can't remember the spell?

I tried.

I just can't remember.

you not use any witchcraft.

Where's Tabitha?

Tabitha, um, hi.

Tabitha, sweetheart, come here.

Mommy wants to see you.

Mommy! Oh my gosh.

Oh my goodness.

You're all grown up.

Listen, I'll pick up the cake on the way home from work, but I wanted to let you

know Larry is coming for the birthday party.

Larry's coming to the party tonight?

Is something wrong?

Something wrong?

No, no.

No, nothing's wrong.

Well, there is one tiny thing.

Sam, what is it?

You're scaring me.

When I went to the store,

not making any sense.

Well, she wanted to see what he would look like as an 18 -year -old.

Sam, you had better tap the turn back into our beautiful little

baby daughter before Larry and I get home.

I can't undo the spell.

It has to come from Aunt Clara, and she can't remember the words.

Aunt Clara can't remember the spell.

How are we going to receive an 18 -year -old daughter?

There I was.

On the part of the Eiffel Tower with a breathtaking view of Paris. And now

Boy, is Derwin going to be mad.

Honey, I've got to go. Mother just popped in. I'll call you right back.

I don't want an 18 -year -old daughter. Sam!

Sam! Sam!

I'm right here, darling.

you do that.

Don't worry. Everything will be back to normal by tonight.

Please make sure I am not quite ready for an 18 -year -old daughter.

She'll be celebrating her first birthday by the time you get home.

Hurry, Sam.

Larry's coming.

Darren.

Something wrong, my boy?

Everything's fine.

Except I do have to go home a little bit early today and just take care of some

business. Oh, that's fine, that's fine. Come here, Darren. I want you to see

this. You'll never believe what that cute little model's doing.

Now that's what I call entertainment.

Hi.

Why don't you two come on in here to Mr.

Stevens' office?

You can relax in here.

Thanks. It's a lot nicer in here.

Great, great, great. Why don't you practice your client presentation?

Mr. Stevens and I are going to go get some lunch, so we'll leave you alone,

okay? We'd love to practice.

Good. Come on, Darren.

Let's leave these kids alone.

Let them get to work.

Nice.

Nobody's going to bother you.

You'll be all alone.

Fucking God, make it all right.

Make it all right. Oh, fuck, baby.

Oh, it's bad.

Oh. Oh, shit.

Oh,

fuck. Don't fucking take this.

I'm gonna fucking be teased. I'm gonna be fucked.

I want you to zap her back right this minute.

I wish I could.

Dumbo, that might not be possible.

Aunt Clara has already tried, and as you can see, she's failed miserably. The

problem is that once Tabitha turned 18, the spell might be irreversible.

Irreversible?

Dear God, are little girls irreversible? No.

Larry is coming to the party tonight.

How are we going to explain that we have an 18 -year -old daughter now?

Hello.

It's your neighbor.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

But Asher and I wanted to give little Kravitz a birthday gift.

Thank you, Mrs. Kravitz, but she's not here.

Not here? Where would a one -year -old go?

She went to the store.

stay awake a minute more. She's leaving.

Hi.

What's your name, little girl?

Tabitha. Tabitha? Two Tabithas? What are the odds of that?

It's only one Tabitha, and I think something's burning on your stove.

My stove? I'm not cooking anything.

Mother, don't you dare.

Mrs. Kravitz, thanks so much for dropping by the gift for Tabitha.

Could you? I should change that nosy woman into an elephant.

Abner, there's trouble at the Stevens' house again.

Of course there is, honey.

And I suppose this time you saw flying horses or was it dancing monkeys?

Little Tabitha, she's a full -grown woman.

Yeah, and I'm Clark Gable.

I should call the police.

You do that.

Gladys, you do that.

I don't understand this whole mess.

How does Tabitha speak so well, huh?

I've seen this before.

When Aunt Clara cast the spell turning Tabitha into an 18 -year -old, she

what she would have become had she aged normally over the full 18 years.

So you're saying she knows everything that a normal 18 -year -old would.

A normal young witch, you mean.

Please, I...

that he'll be taking a crash course in sex and will want to engage in it as

often as possible.

I would appreciate it if you did not get a F -E -X with a little G -I -R -L.

Daddy, I can spell perfectly well.

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.

Daddy's a little confused.

Can I go upstairs and lay down now? I'm really tired.

Of course, honey. You can use one of the spare bedrooms if you don't fit in your

crib anymore.

Please stand.

Oh, really? Thank you.

I'm learning such new things

mm -hmm

Feeling so new to me, oh my gosh.

Thank you.

Exactly what I wanted.

Something to play with.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

It's Larry.

Just a minute, Larry.

He's expecting a birthday party.

I'll fix that party.

That's a topic for game again, Clara.

He's expecting a birthday party.

Wow. This is great.

So where's the little birthday girl?

She's upstairs sleeping.

That's what I love about you people.

The little tapas is up there sleeping and you're still down here partying.

Larry, you remember my mother -in -law, Andora, and our clerk.

Oh, yes. Nice to see you again.

Well, Andora.

You always have the most imaginative...

me again, and I'll turn you into a dog. A dog.

Oh, you shouldn't call me a dog.

I warned you.

Mother! I gave him plenty of warning.

Larry, let me... Larry, I'm really, really, really sorry about this. Dory,

do something about this. I can't remember the spell.

I can't...

Thank you so much.

That's Larry, honey.

This is Larry?

I love you, Larry.

No, Tabitha Angel, darling. That's your daddy's boss, Larry.

I changed him into that. Oh, my God.

Sorry,

honey. It's a good little doggy. It's a good little... Mother, how could you?

Oh, Sam, where's your sense of humor?

Living with a mortal has taken all the zest out of you.

I object.

We have plenty of zest.

How am I going to explain a dog for a boss?

Very well.

Darren.

Darren. Take your hand off my ass now.

God, I need a drink.

Wow! Where did you come from?

I need to talk to you about something. Come on with me just for a few minutes.

I've got to tell you something.

Dr.

Bombay, so good of you to stop by.

Well, I can't stay very long. I'm in the middle of a friend -finder conference

in the Sahara Desert.

And these are my new friends.

Nice to meet you.

A pleasure.

Hold on a second. What in the name of Warlocks is going on here? What does he

mean about your Tabitha?

He turned Tabitha into an 18 -year -old, and now she can't remember the spell.

Well, look at the bright side. You don't have to worry about doing your

homework.

We can't leave her this way. We've got to turn her back into our little girl.

Well, maybe I can help out, because I have some friends in the scientific and

medical community.

Perhaps I can get Dr. Einstein, Louis Pasteur, Edward Jenner, Dr. Frost, Dr.

Sabin, to come up with a cure for the spell.

An antidote.

Really? That would be great.

Would you like some birthday cake?

No, no, no. I'm watching my figure.

Why are you watching your figure?

Because nobody else will watch it for me.

You're funny. I like you. You mustn't listen to him, darling. The man is

with testosterone.

Thank you, Endora, and so are you.

Why don't we sing happy birthday to Tabitha?

Strange people singing happy birthday to little Tabitha.

What's so strange about that?

First, Tabitha is not one, she's 18.

A fat guy named Dr.

Bombay just popped out of thin air.

And he had a whole harem of beautiful girls with him, and they didn't use the

door. And Samantha waved her arms, whoosh!

And party decorations just appeared.

Honey, either lay off... the sauce or I think you need a visit to Dr. Bombay's

office.

Tabitha, you are gorgeous.

Look at this physique.

Wow,

you're beautiful. You should come play with us.

We can make turns doing each other.

Doing each other?

Doing what to each other?

Well,

why don't you step right over here again.

Girls, control yourselves for God's sake.

It's been a pleasure. And happy 18th birthday. Or first birthday.

Whatever the heck it may be. We have to get back to the Sahara because we have

some new friends calling.

So it's nice to meet you, I think. Okay.

And goodbye. Let me go with you.

I think not, honey. You're staying right here on Morning Glory Circle.

Your mother's right. I'll see you soon.

Goodbye.

That man is a total fluff.

You.

Where did Allie, Babby, and the girls go?

Where'd Tabitha go?

I don't know.

She was a care man ago.

You've got to stop doing that. I caught her trying to sneak a peek.

Oh, goody. My granddaughter's horny.

Well, it's been a splash of life again, and I'm going to get going, so...

So,

uh, goodbye.

Where's my drink? What?

Darren, what in the holy hell is going on here?

Get you another drink, Larry, okay?

All right. I need another drink. A double.

A triple.

Maybe the whole box.

No, I didn't miss anything, did I?

That.

has a big surprise for you when you get to the office.

Oh, I hope Larry doesn't remember too much about last night.

What time is it?

6 .30.

I'll make breakfast.

For once, I am so glad Larry was drunk.

You know, honey, I'm really proud of how Tabitha turned out.

Now, Sam, do not get used to her being 18 years old. We have to send her back

soon as possible.

You're right.

I kind of miss having a little one around the house.

Well, it's too early.

Maybe we can practice making another one.

Darren, let's have a big step.

That's my little girl.

Take care.

to take care of this morning.

That was some party you threw last night.

God, my head's still killing me.

I'm glad you had a nice time.

Oh, God, I'm really hungover, dear.

I don't know how you did it. I don't know how you did it, but boy, oh boy,

you do it.

What'd I do?

You did it, boy. You did it.

You landed the Mitchell account.

The clients saw how important your daughter's birthday was, and they said

we're the type of advertising agency that they want to be with.

Congratulations. We landed the account.

That's my boy.

Thanks, Larry.

I tell you, I've got to stop drinking now.

Boy, did I have the... worst nightmare last night.

Get this. I dreamt that it was your daughter's 18th birthday.

And a genie popped out of a scotch bottle with these beautiful girls and

mother -in -law turned me into a dog.

You know, you have such a wild imagination, Larry.

Sweetheart, I don't think you need that high chair right now.

Mommy, I like it. I'm so used to it.

I don't think you should be using it today.

Today, you're a big girl.

Now, sweetheart, don't get too used to being 18.

It's only temporary.

of witches and warlocks has advised against it. There could be some serious

repercussions. And besides, Angel, your grandma doesn't want to miss watching

you grow up.

Hello? Tabitha?

It's for you.

Hello? Okay,

that's...

yesterday on a walk.

You went for a walk?

We told you you weren't to leave the house.

I know, but it was just so nice outside yesterday, I just had to. Pumpkin, you

mustn't interact with people. It's very dangerous.

It was a close call with Darwin's boss yesterday.

So be a good little girl and listen to your mummy.

Okay, well I'll go...

I bought to listen to. Okay, groovy.

And I have breakfast with Henri in Spain.

I wonder if you have a big penis though.

I

wonder

what you would look like if you were big.

Don't tell mom or dad and they'll make you big.

I've been trying to get with you ever since you turned 18.

Give me some of that white girl pussy. Oh, my God.

Abner, there's trouble at the Stevens house again.

There's a Negro chasing Tabitha around the house.

A Negro?

There are no Negroes in this neighborhood.

Go ahead and call the police, Gladys. But first, make me a pastrami sandwich,

all right?

Hello, police?

I want to report a Negro.

Thank heavens you're here. Come on, officer.

I think he was about to kill her.

Is the colored man her boyfriend?

Officer, girls in this neighborhood don't date colored.

I got a report from the neighbors that a Tabitha is being assaulted by a colored

man. What color might that be?

Tabitha, darling, can you come here, please?

Yes, Grandmama.

Is this the colored man in question?

But I saw her. I saw the Negro chasing her. Oh, my God.

All righty, lady. Sorry to bother you. Oh, where are you going?

All this talk has gotten me hot.

Excuse me, I'm on official business.

This type of thing could get me fired.

I was just trying to polish your billy club.

All right, well, I see the colored man is no longer a threat. I'm going to get

me going.

Have a nice evening.

Ta -ta.

Darling, you must never allow yourself to be alone with a colored man unless

you're ready to have sex.

They are love machines 24 -7.

Really? I just wanted to see how big his penis was.

You must never let him hear the words to your spell again.

If he does, he'll come back to life and he'll want to have sex with the first

person he sees.

Ever been with a Negro grandmama?

Let's go for a walk.

A very long...

A dream come true.

Oh, ah, forgive me. It must be a dream, right?

Oh, yeah, there you go. That's a dirty girl.

Ugh.

Oh, look at that technical.

Yeah.

Oh

yeah.

Wow. I don't think I'm ready for an interracial relationship.

How about you?

Let's go someplace more romantic.

Well,

what do you want to do?

I know what I want to do.

This is so much better.

I'm so horny.

Me so horny.

You can talk, but can you fuck?

This is fun.

Hurry, my mom and dad might come.

At least I can't tease you anymore.

Just give me a minute. I'll put you in here.

Isn't that handsome?

Is it?

There we go.

That's so high before.

Please!

Thank you.

go to college.

I caught Tabitha being frisky with a doll.

Oh, Dr. Bob.

I think I have your problem solved.

You do? That's wonderful.

Yeah. What'd you get?

Louis Pasteur?

Albert Einstein?

Neither. I got you a medical student.

A medical student? Yes.

Come here, Dr. Dane.

He's barely older than Tabitha. Okay, so he might be a pizza delivery boy at

night, but he is a medical student, and he's about to graduate. And I assure

you, here's the answers to all your problems.

He just has one very itty -bitty little itty -bitty question.

Money?

$50? No, no, no, no, it's not money. Dr.

Dane is a virgin, and all he wants to do is play hide -the -bacon and shoot the

sherbet before he graduates.

I'll deal him.

Somebody's got to have sex with him. No, no, no, no. I got us into this mess.

I'll clean it up.

Oh, this is getting good.

No, no, no, no, no. This is totally out of the question.

Honey,

what choice do we have?

All I need is some privacy, and we will get Tabitha back where she belongs.

Well, then, let's all just go out and get some ice cream and let Dan and Clara

get busy.

Can I watch?

Certainly not. You're coming with us.

Okay.

Get down on your knees.

Mm -hmm.

Mm

-hmm.

Fine.

I'll show you how to do that.

I just fed Tabitha and look at her, sleeping like a baby. An angel.

Life as it should be.

And let this be a lesson to each and every one of us. No witchcraft

in this house.

Oh, stop with the boring speeches, Derwood.

You know, I kind of miss 18 -year -old Tabitha.

Don't worry, Sam.

She'll be 18 before we even know it. I'm desperate you can lose her virginity

one more time.

I adore her.

I'm starving.

Whatever happened to the pizza delivery boy, huh?

You didn't forget to order the pizza, did you?

Well... Ah, that's him now.

I'll get it.

I can't. eat pizza. I have a date.

Who do you have a date with there, Clara?

And who is she has a date with?

My new boyfriend, Dr.

Danes.